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Unread 01-19-2010, 12:36 AM   #1
chai
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Default Help me Understand

I am a 36 year old Dad of two girls (6 and 8). My wife has been a drinker her whole life but it began to be a real problem about a year ago. Then around labor Day 2009 she told me she wanted a divorce. She said she didn't love me and that we were through.

A couple days later she confessed that she had cheated on me while she was drunk. She then said she needed help, which I was very glad to hear. Waking up just about every night and finding her passed out in the bathroom, the living room, on the patio, or in the kitchen was not fun. Neither was getting her into bed and dealing with her hangovers the next morning. Neither was watching her throw-up blood or hearing her sound like she was drowning in her sleep.

Anyway, she went into Detox and it turns out she was addicted to Benzos and alcohol. She went through a 7 day detox and then was supposed to do outpatient rehab.

Well, her care plan was to attend AA meetings and to go to a counselor every Friday. She missed work for 2 months while she tried to "recover". But after a week or two she stopped going to AA meetings and failed to make it to her counselor about 50% of the time.

Part of that wasn't her fault because they found a tumor (turned out to be benign) on her chest wall and she had to have that surgically removed. So, that took 2 weeks out of her recovery. Still, after she was healed from the operation she didn't commit to her recovery.

Every few weeks my wife would tell me that she wanted me out of the house. She'd say means things like, "You make her skin crawl sometimes." She would also tell me she drank because of me and the marriage.

So, I would go to bed thinking it was over and then she would wake me up in the middle of the night and tell me she was sorry and that she didn't mean any of it.

Well, I settled into a mode of doing everything for her and my girls. Cook dinner every night, do everything for the girls, clean the house, deliver dinner to my wife where she sat with a blanket over her, clean the house, laundry, etc.

When my wife would work a full week she would be pretty good. We'd get along great and she would be more motivated. Our relationship was healthy too.

Anyway, long story a little shorter: My wife has gotten a little better but she just recently missed work for 11 straight days (she's a per diem nurse). So, I had just about had enough. She was basically ignoring me except when she needed something. So, we got into an argument. I told her she wasn't committed to her recovery and I was sick of her not caring about anything. I also told her I was tired of doing everything. She then told me to get out and go to my parents. So, I took the girls and went for the weekend.

I came back tonight and my wife has contacted an attorney and wants a legal separation. She says I make her miserable and she's done. She also says I'm the reason why she had a drinking problem. (Wonder why she was in rehab as a teen when she didn't even know me?) She wants me out ASAP. So, I am done fighting. I am. So, I will go along with the separation as much as it hurts. I hate what my girls will go through too.

I brought-up to my wife that could this be about the alcoholism and benzo addiction and her struggle to recover? She said I was in denial and that it has nothing to do with her recovery.

I think she might be the one in denial. Not that it matters much. But I do worry about her. And I do wonder how much I should fight her about the separation... if at all.

Or am I the one in denial?

Sorry this is so long, but I can't sleep and I am very upset and confused.
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Unread 01-19-2010, 09:05 AM   #2
Magda
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Welcome, I am so sorry about your marriage falling apart. Please know that your wife's misery began long before you walked into her life. She has a disease that is slowly killing her and has affected her mental state for the worse. Do not blame yourself, you and your children are the victims in this situation. I do not doubt that your wife loved you when you got married, but I will bet that she was also hoping that somehow the marriage would save her from her addiction. When she realized that was not the case, she got angry and resentful.
When people are under the influence, or even when they are in the middle of a dry drunk (suffering from the disease, yet not consuming alcohol), they say some pretty cruel things.As hard as it is to not take them personal- you must not do so! With every evil word she spews, her addiction to alcohol has taken over long ago.
The divorce could be her way of having the freedom to do as she pleases, save your children and yourself and move on with your life.YOU cannot save your wife.Until she is ready to do whatever it takes to recover, she will continue to drag down everyone around her, and she does not seem to want recovery right now.Your girls have been through enough, give them the chance to heal.All of you need to go to al-anon,al-ateen or counseling to get through this appropriately.
Please continue to share your feelings here.We have all experienced pain as a result of someone's drinking, know you are not alone.
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Unread 01-20-2010, 02:58 PM   #3
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Chai,
Welcome. I echo Magda's response. It is a sad state of affairs, sorry to hear. I also ask, do you have someone to talk with, a counselor or therapist? By your post it is clear your wife is available to work things out. You cannot depend on her. As you continue to work on behalf of your family you need to take care of yourself with particular focus and attention. Keep us posted.
All the best,
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Unread 01-20-2010, 08:52 PM   #4
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Chai

So sorry to hear of all that you're going through. I hope you found comfort here knowing you aren't alone.

As the others have said, this is your wife's demon to fight...you just get the fallout. Take care of your children and yourself and the rest will be what it will be.

Welcome to the site.

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Unread 01-20-2010, 10:15 PM   #5
chai
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Thank you for your responses. I am beginning to see I am going to lose this fight. And I guess it was never really my fight to begin with.

Last night my wife woke me up at 1 am to tell me she couldn't stand me and that I was so pathetic for wanting to stay in the same house as a woman who doesn't love me. I already told her she could leave but she doesn't want to. I also told her I would leave if she'd give-up the kids until she commits to recovery and is sober for a while. She won't go for that either.

So what choice do I have? I called a lawyer and he said I can take her to family court for custody but that I might lose since she isn't drinking heavily right now. But he said I have a good case. A good case isn't good enough. I can't risk losing my girls for even one night. As it is, she ignores them most of the time and when I get home from work they are always being punished in their rooms. They tell me Mom makes them get their own snacks (they are 6 and 8), won't let them watch TV, and won't play a game with them. Gee, I wonder why they start acting up after a long day of school?

Anyway, I don't know what to do. I will call another lawyer tomorrow. The first lawyer said to start "pushing her buttons" and push her over the edge. But that seems immoral and I do still love my wife.

One questions I do have is this: If she's only drank once (and I'm almost positive about this) then why has she changed so much so fast? And is it really her addiction. Or am I in denial as she claims. Is it just that she hates me and really wants me to leave? Does it have nothing to do with her past addictions?

But this morning she was nice to me. She even admitted that I shouldn't let her have the kids because there's a chance she will end up neglecting them and that they might find her passed out somewhere one morning. Then when I started to leave for work she asked me where I was going and sounded like she wanted me to stay.

But when I got home from work, she was back to being the monster.

I have a great family but they aren't experts and have little experience with addiction. I should talk to a counselor.

But I look forward to any other responses I get on here. I feel so alone and so broken. But I must be strong for my poor little girls.

Please God help me...

And btw - she never made it to that attorney today. She said the weather was too bad. It was barely snowing...

Last edited by chai; 01-20-2010 at 10:18 PM.. Reason: typos and add btw
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Unread 01-20-2010, 11:50 PM   #6
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Sorry for your pain.
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Unread 01-20-2010, 11:54 PM   #7
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Chai-

You have a serious situation on your hands.The instability and alcoholism-your first obligation is to the safety of your children.Contact your local police station and tell them that your wife is an alcoholic and is suffering from psychological issues, that you need to protect your daughters and ask what you can do if you wish to remove them from the home.Your wife does not automatically get to keep them in the case of a divorce,they are old enough to tell officials who they want to live with.Ask the police what rights you have in regards to your children, under the circumstances.You need to be very clear of the facts.There is no way for you to be 100% sure that your wife is not drinking.In fact, it sounds to me like there may be a greater demon in the mix.Have you ever considered that she is dependent on prescription drugs? She is a nurse, and it is not uncommon in the field-especially when there is already an addiction issue.You stated that as long as she is at work, she is fine and when she is not at work-she is a tyrant. That tells a story you may have never thought of want to believe- but trust me you need to consider it a possibility.
Quote:
One questions I do have is this: If she's only drank once (and I'm almost positive about this) then why has she changed so much so fast? And is it really her addiction. Or am I in denial as she claims. Is it just that she hates me and really wants me to leave? Does it have nothing to do with her past addictions?
How are you almost positive about the drinking? When someone has drank for as long as your wife, it becomes a game of cover up- and many alcoholics are very good at deception.Why can she change so quickly? It is the disease, and in most cases a psychological disorder existed before the addiction or was awakened by the addiction.Either way-her mental state is steadily deteriorating and you must trust me when I tell you that the evil words she spews out at you are fueled by more than wanting to end the marriage.Her Jeckyl and Hyde persona is not normal, and you would know this better than anyone.Living in denial is normal in your situation.If you sat and really thought about the issues over the course of your marriage, could you really trust that the problems only began a year ago?
You really need to be working with a therapist who specializes in addiction issues.Also, start documenting in a notebook all the times your wife acts out towards you.Document what she says to you, and when the mood changes occur.It will be helpful if/when you go to court.I would definitely add the comment about her neglecting the children.She pretty much admitted she is not fit to have custody, so do not give it to her. You are in for the fight of your life, you will need your strength now more than ever, you need to be clear headed and logical-for your girls. I know that there may be a part of you that is holding on to a shred of hope that things can be repaired, but again-nothing will be repaired until your wife comes clean,stays clean and shows that she will stay with recovery for the rest of her life.There is no short cuts or cures.This will be a part of her til the end, until she accepts this and her treatment-you are not going to get passed your current state.

http://http://www.alcoholanswers.org/alcohol-education/emotional-effects.cfm

http://www.ehow.com/about_5122671_al...od-swings.html
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Important disclaimer: Any information in this post is not and does not constitute medical advice under any circumstances. Addiction Survivors, Inc. does not warranty or guarantee the accurateness, completeness, adequacy or currency of the information contained in or linked to the Site. Your use of information on the Site or materials linked to the Site is entirely at your own risk. NEVER take any online advice over that of a qualified healthcare provider. Any information contained on AddictionSurvivors.org should only serve to inspire further investigation with credible, verifiable references sources such as your physician or therapist.
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Unread 01-21-2010, 12:13 AM   #8
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Chai,

It would appear there is more going on than you are aware or would like to believe regarding your wife's erratic behavior. It is not normal in my opinion. Regardless, the environment is toxic for your children. You must be their advocate and do what is best for them and yourself.

You could also contact the child service's organization for the state you live in. Search under state.gov.

Good luck and stay Strong. Remember you are not alone.

Regards
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Unread 01-21-2010, 12:57 PM   #9
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Chai-

Welcome to the forum and I hope you find some comfort here knowing that there are so many of us suffering due to a loved one's addiction. Magda and Saint gave some great advice. It sounds to me like your wife may have more issues involved here than alcoholism. She may be bipolar, IMO. Contacting the local authorities about this will not only help you know your options, but will be something documented that could be possibly used in Court on a later date. Document EVERYTHING including what the kids tell you and what you observe. If she is neglecting them, write it down. Keep a log. You mentioned that she only went to her counselor half the time -that counselor may be your advocate to help you keep the kids, should it come to that.

I am so sorry that you are going through this. I know it is easier said than done, but try to focus on the kids and yourself. Don't try to fix her, b/c she truly needs professional help. Keep posting and I will keep you in my prayers.

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Unread 01-21-2010, 01:05 PM   #10
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"""One questions I do have is this: If she's only drank once (and I'm almost positive about this) then why has she changed so much so fast? And is it really her addiction. Or am I in denial as she claims. Is it just that she hates me and really wants me to leave? Does it have nothing to do with her
past addictions?"""
Orig post by Chai ......
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Chai, you have received great feedback, please keep reading, posting, learning about this disease. I agree that Your children's safety and well being is top priority .

In response to your question above ... why does she change so quickly ? IMO- She probably does not know how she truly feels, substances numb and alter our emotions, skew our thought processes. I know it is must be incredibly frustrating for you and the family.
She sounds like she has a long history with substances/alcohol even if she stays chemical free for 1 week or a month, imo- it takes much more than abstinence because of the very nature of the damage that long term addiction can do ... everything from coping with life- to relationships with you, and the children.

Addiction is defined as ...
"The uncontrollable, compulsive behavior despite negative consequences."
It is a disease that can be treated and put into remission through the utilization of different tools including medication; professional therapy (oftentimes CBT) to help return the altered pathways in the limbic system back to their non-compulsive, normal stop/go state from the addiction-changed 'go go go' state., peer support, and if applicable, spiritual support.

It is a journey, but if she could commit to it and really work on herself, there is hope. it can take a long a time and work for the true person to emerge. I am not saying it is your duty to ensure she does this. She needs to want it more than anything.
I personally share a similar history like your wife's. When I got help, I did not know what I felt from minute to minute., had no idea who I really was. I stayed in a long term program for over a year. Even now, years later - I have to take the steps necessary to not fall back into old behaviors, negative coping mechanisms.

Just my opinion, Even if it is too late for the marriage, she will always be their mother, ideally, she needs to get help, for herself, and hopefully one day she could be part of their lives. If she is not willing, that is the choice she makes and she will face the consequences. You do what you need you to do for yourself and the kids.

Thank you for sharing so openly, take care, keep us posted, Carly

Links for family ....

http://www.alcoholanswers.org/friends-family/

FAQs : alcoholism
http://www.alcoholanswers.org/alcoho...uestions.cfm#1
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Important disclaimer: Any information in this post is not and does not constitute medical advice under any circumstances. Addiction Survivors, Inc. does not warranty or guarantee the accurateness, completeness, adequacy or currency of the information contained in or linked to the Site. Your use of information on the Site or materials linked to the Site is entirely at your own risk. NEVER take any online advice over that of a qualified healthcare provider. Any information contained on AddictionSurvivors.org should only serve to inspire further investigation with credible, verifiable references sources such as your physician or therapist.

Last edited by CarlyO; 01-21-2010 at 01:08 PM.. Reason: spelling
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Unread 01-24-2010, 12:23 PM   #11
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Hello Chai,

I am so sorry for what you and your girls are going through. Although my ex wouldn't go to an Alcochol and Other Drug Abuse counselor, I went. Although at the time I didn't realize what I needed - I was basically going in to find out what my "obligations" were to my ex AND to find out if there was anything I could do to help him. It was a HUGE relief. The counselor told me to stop looking for his alcohol, start documenting things, and get a lawyer. The counselor told me that there wasn't anything I could do with the EXCEPTION of letting him fall on his face and stop covering up for him.

I strongly encourage you to keep a log of her behavior and find a way to keep a copy or the actual log at work or someplace where she can't get to it.

It seems that she will show/demonstrate small glimpses of the person you fell in love with, but from what you have written those glimpses are now the exception and her "regular" behavior is the monster. If you can keep that in mind and focus soley on YOU and your girls, I really think that will help keep you sane in this crazy situation.

According to my ex, if I only would have had sex with him more often, then he wouldn't drink. I mention this becuase hopefully you can see how crazy that "logic" is, because it also applies to you and your situation. There isn't a darn thing you can do to keep your wife from consuming drugs, alcohol, or anything else for that matter. You are NOT responsible for her behavior. She is. You are, however - in my opinion, in being responsible and doing everything you possibly can for your kids.

Please keep posting. This site and the people on the site were able to get me through many dark times. Hang in there!!
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Unread 01-25-2010, 01:18 AM   #12
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Chai, Welcome to the site. It is a wonderful way to vent. Some great advice has been given to you by the others.

Most important is to take care of your girls & yourself.
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Unread 01-29-2010, 05:35 PM   #13
chai
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Thank you everyone! You really help me a lot.

About a week ago my wife started being nicer to me and we agreed to be a "team" and to just let her focus on herself and getting out of her depression. She admitted she did drink the other night but I don't think she's drank since.

We had a couple really good days. Monday night she came home from work and said she was happy to see me still awake. Then she asked if I could take the next day off to be with her while the girls were in school. I couldn't just take work off so it didn't happen.

That night she didn't go into work and she took the rest of the week off too. And she grew cold toward me.

Last night I went grocery shopping with my 8 year old and she had been at a cafe with my wife that morning (I was happy my wife actually did something with her). But while they were there I tried calling them on the cell because we suddenly got a snow storm and I was concerned. My wife didn't answer and my 8 year old told me she said, "What the hell does he want? Just ignore him."

Well, I was ready to speak to my wife about not being that way in front of the girls. But when I got home she was back to being nice to me again. She said she needed me. Then she wanted to cuddle last night in bed.

Now, a couple hours ago she told me she wants me out again. I tried to talk to her and tell her she's depressed and is having a hard time with the recovery. There are other things our life too - lack of money, a recent car accident she was in, a tumor removed from her chest wall, etc. But she said she doesn't love me. When I brought up last night and a few other nights when she started kissing me in bed and when she says she's sorry about when she says she wants me to leave.... but she says she's just faking it and she never likes having me around.

I don't know what to do. I told her I would leave if she'd give me the girls but she wants the girls. Though she did agree to let me have the girls if she can have the house.

But I wonder if this is all due to her depression. And should I desert her? And... most importantly... I'm worried I'll leave with the girls and then she'll take me to court and get the girls from me.

So what should I do? Her counselor just got back from a 3 week cruise and she's not scheduled to see her for another 3 weeks (which will make 6 weeks in all) because the counselor is supposedly backed up from her cruise.

My wife sleeps most of the time and is sleeping right now - before she works 6-11. She asked me to wake her up -she relies on me for everything.

I know there are no easy answers here but can anyone tell me if this is part of the recovery process... her being hot and cold? And should I just stay and force her to take the initiative or should I take my girls and leave and hope she doesn't go after them and get them?

Hopefully someone can shine some light on this for me. And hopefully I'll be strong enough to do the right thing... for the kids and for her... and for me.
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Unread 01-29-2010, 07:30 PM   #14
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Chai, Depression is a devistating disease. My wife is 62 years old & was diagnosed with bi polar just 2 years ago. She had suffered from depression all her life. The doctors just could not get the medications right until they found out she was bi polar She left me so many times leaving MI to CA I can't count. Now granted I was an active alcoholic up until a few years ago. I was also a as$ hole due to my alcoholic thinking. She was also a alcoholic but she has been in recovery since the 70s. We have been married twice & divorced from each other twice with other marriages in between. Now we have made a commitnent to each other & have been living with each other for over 10 years. Things have been great the last 2 years after her being diagnosed. She is a totaly different person.

Now the question is your wife's behavior due to her alcoholic thinking or depression or a combination of both. I know the hell you are going through. Sometimes we have to make tough choices to protect our children & our sanity. Good luck friend
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Unread 01-29-2010, 07:43 PM   #15
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Chai,

Some thoughts I had based on what you mentioned:

Healthy people do not sleep all the time

Healthy people do not let minor children 6 & 8 years of age fend for themselves

Healthy people do not offer to trade their offspring for a house

Healthy people do not exibit the Jeckyll & Hyde persona you are witnessing.

These are just my personal opinions. I suggest you talk to her counselor and describe the behaviors you have observed. Is it possible your wife would allow you to attend a counseling session together to discuss her behaviors? Is there a chance you could convince your wife to make an appointment for her counselor sooner?

I wish you the best for all concerned.


Regards
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Unread 02-01-2010, 05:49 PM   #16
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Chai,
I have been following your story. And it is sad to hear, and it must be very confusing. It is clear that she is unreliable and manipulative. Ask yourself this, can you realistically change her? In the short term I would assume the answer is a no. Can you change how you deal with her? Yes. But that involves some very painful choices. I am not talking about leaving with the children. I could not suggest that, because I don't know the complete story. Still I can see you may be falling into the trap of insane logic that she wields to keep everyone around her off balance. The question is how can you minimize the the effect of the chaos on your family.

In the addictive relationship unfortunately your loving efforts, empathy and forgiveness are being used against you. Do you often feel guilty when you try to set firm limits with her, or when she cuddles with you sounding contrite? Do you sometimes find yourself inexplicably feeling like you are the "bad guy", when you know you are not? When you set a valid limit, a clear no, do you find you are always defending yourself and in the process losing focus and backing down or diluting your limit?

I raise these questions because you need to begin to see where you are caught up in a relationship that makes no sense and is confusing. Think, can one make good choices in a confused state? No. It is wise to let the confused state bring on inspiration as it resolves. So how can you begin to address your wife's behavior rationally, when there is nothing but confusion? You must begin to step outside the chaos and see things in a different light. Sadly your loving feelings are suspect, not because you love her any less but you are made to feel you are cruel when you are trying to help. You are unable to trust your own loving feelings. And your wife is making it difficult to love her.

This is where you need to go into some sort of counseling for yourself and consider Al Anon meetings. Those close to the addicted person actually take on, adopt the characteristics and logic of the addicted person without realizing it. To help her you must begin to understand what it means to distance yourself. Not materially but emotionally. Detachment.

Take her at face value, and if you don't trust her at face value then you must learn to respond to her accordingly. Not trying to "fix" her, or appease her for that matter. Are you afraid of making her angry? Well that is how she wants things. Not snapping at the bait of manipulative affection, guilt and defensive responses! And keep in mind as you start to blunt her manipulations she will up the ante, it will not be pleasant. But in the long run you will be better off. There is no easy way out of situations like this, but there is a way to cope without creating more chaos and damage. And the skill comes in doing this not ruled by your own anger and rage. You will not be "nice" as you learn to deal with her in a more effective way but you will always seek to be kind! But with detachment. Always be kind! But you don't have to be nice! That seems like a tall order doesn't it? But that is what we all face.
Go to a meeting, educate yourself, and though it will be a painful education at times, it will serve you well in the long run and save you a lot of energy. And you will help your children so much. Mother possibly scares and confuses them, I am sure you are noticing changes in their behavior. They need a stable clearheaded consistent parent they can trust. When you fall into your wife's manipulations, they see it, and you may be seen as just as "crazy" as she appears. Yeah, crazy by compliance and association. They know and they also learn from it.
You must work on yourself and your issues, you must become aware of the issues that allow you to be readily manipulated.

Look into Al Anon if you have not as yet done so. It can only help.

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/

http://www.ola-is.org/

I realize that is a lot of info, hope it helps.
All the best,
Jerry
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Unread 02-01-2010, 11:02 PM   #17
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Thank you Jerry. Great post!
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Unread 02-02-2010, 12:51 AM   #18
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Chai, This is for Feb.2 in the book called Daily Reflections.

Characteristic of the so called typical alcoholic is a narcissistic egocentric core, dominated by feelings of omnipotence, intent on maintaining at all cost its inner integrity... Inwardly the alcoholic brooks no control from man or God. The alcoholic is & must be the master of their destiny. They will fight to the end to prove that position.
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Unread 02-02-2010, 11:09 PM   #19
chai
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Thank you everyone for the awesome advice. Lots of food for thought.

It means a lot to me that all of you take the time to write and try to help me.

My wife is back to being the monster since I found out she's back in contact with the "man" she cheated on me with. She said I was overreacting and now she's demanding I leave again.

She told me her parents are willing to put their money behind her and that she'll go see an attorney tomorrow unless I agree to leave in the next couple of days. Well, I called her dad tonight and we both discovered my wife has been telling many lies. The telling sentence her dad said to me was this: "My wife and I decided a long time ago that we couldn't fix what was broken inside of C.

So, that was a real eye opener for me. Kinda wish he had told me that before I married her.

But I can't help but feel pity for her and a want to help her. But I need to get to the point where I realize I can't help her. And maybe it's best if I just take the girls and leave.

She has no money to fight me. Her parents aren't willing to help her financially either. So, I feel better knowing that. But I still can't help but feel I can help her. Crazy huh?

Well, somethings gotta give some time soon. As always, I just worry about my girls. And I'm starting to get a little concerned with the uncontrollable shaking that overtook me last night and when I woke-up this morning.
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Unread 02-03-2010, 12:05 AM   #20
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It's 11 PM and the wife just left to go get some beer. I tried to stop her but not that hard. I suggested we just go to bed and tomorrow will be a new day but she had to go. In the end, I guess she has to want to stop drinking and she doesn't. She said she needs the alcohol so she can talk to me. I told her she's been talking to me all night without it.

She's back... update tomorrow.
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Unread 02-03-2010, 09:56 AM   #21
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Chai-

So sorry to hear she is throwing all of this hatred again. It is her addiction that is controlling her and as you said, you have to think about yourself and your girls NOT try to help her. She has to want to help herself. As far as your shaking, it may be a result of all of the tremendous stress you are under. If you are concerned that it is more than that, please don't hesitate to talk to your doctor. I will keep you and the girls in my prayers.

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Unread 02-03-2010, 01:40 PM   #22
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Chai,

I am NOT a medical professional. I want you to know that upfront - but I feel very strongly you need to see a doctor. I know that when I was going through my time of craziness with my ex, I had absolutely no idea how much stress I was under. I knew I wasn't right, but looking back I had NO idea how much stress I was under.

Please please please go see a doctor, for not only your physican conditions, but I am really hoping your physician can also make a recommendation for a mental health professional for you as well. If this is taking such a huge toll on you, it must be impacting your girls as well.

PLEASE -make the call to your physician today. Do not wait. I am concerned for you and your girls.
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Unread 02-04-2010, 04:08 PM   #23
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Chai-

There are 2 sides of what I want to say to you.One side comes from the woman who had endured over a decade of emotional, physical, and even sexual abuse from a man who never deemed me worth marrying.This side of me wants to say to you: Are you insane? Do you realize how co-dependent you are right now? She is destroying you and you are too caught up in her disease to realize it, you are causing your children more harm than good by staying, she is playing you for a fool, RUN, take those girls and RUN, I am sure her parents understand and would back you with having custody of your kids.
Then there is the part of me that says, I understand how you feel, I too thought I could help the person get better. You know what happened? I woke up one day and decided enough of this! I let this monster destroy my self esteem, my compassion, my happiness, my ambition to succeed in my career. I let this monster sit in my home, use me sexually, sleep with others, take off for months at a time only to come back and suck the life out of me,I let him get involved in the raising of my daughter when he had no business being involved. I let him put drugs into my body then call me a junky. The list goes on and on- the result always the same= A Complete Waste of over TEN Years of my life. You can tack on the years spent since, spent in therapy, addiction recovery, re-building my self esteem. All because I thought I could help him, I thought that one day he would see how much I loved him and we would build a life together.
Please, I beg you- get out while you still have some hope. You will NEVER fix your wife. You must realize you fell in love blind, and give yourself a chance to rebuild a better life for you and your girls.
Today, I am married to a wonderful guy that loves me, has never once called me a name, has never once raised his voice to me, has always treated me with the utmost respect, and I could not have asked for a better life partner. It was not until I realized I deserved better that my life started to fall into place.I had to get rid of all the negativity this man instilled in my memory, and it was hard- but worth the struggle.
You deserve to be happy and so do your children.Don't waste another day. Don't waste another day of your girl's lives- RUN, Just RUN AWAY.
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Unread 02-04-2010, 09:30 PM   #24
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So the wife drank 2 nights ago and she begged me to go out and get her more. She tried everything to manipulate me. But I didn't give in.

Yesterday she didn't even remember she was on the schedule to work. She also didn't think her work cared if she showed up or not. I got her to call and they said she no-called/no-showed the day before. I guess it wasn't the first time. And they said she's on her last chance. She misses one more shift and she will be fired.

She is so out of it that she can't even remember when she's supposed to work and she doesn't understand that it even matters is she shows up or not.

She did go to group yesterday. And she did finally speak in group. She said they all sided with me and that they told her she was selfish and self absorbed. But they also told her that she needs to jump back into life and that she's struggling through recovery just like a lot of them did. They also said I was the best thing in her life. And she admitted that I was too.

Can this all be part of what's called Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome (PAWS)? Does anyone know? Or am I just kidding myself.

I know I might be a fool but I just think it's not yet time to take the kids and run. We've been married for almost 10 years and we had a good marriage for the first 8 years or so. She got into drinking heavily and now all hell has broken lose. Who's to say she isn't just going through a bad stint of recovery and that she won't get past it soon?

Sorry if I'm being foolish and stupid. I know I'm at the end of my rope but I'm just not ready to give up on her yet. And I'm almost certain that if I do then she'll be dead in a year. She doesn't even know when she's supposed to work.... How can I believe she will make it without me?
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Unread 02-05-2010, 09:42 AM   #25
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Chai,

If you aren't ready to leave yet, you aren't ready to leave. HOWEVER - if you think about staying longer, I strongly beleive you need to get professional counseling for both you AND your girls.

I think if you are honest with yourself, you will admit that this is a crazy time and you are doubting your own judgment. If you are doubting yourself, I can only imagine how confused an anxious your girls must feel.

It took me 3+ years to leave. I stayed because I wanted to be able to look my son in the eye and tell him I did everything I could to make things work. THIS INCLUDED PROFESSIONAL COUNSELING!!!

Please, for the sake of your kids, get outside professional help. Your kids need somebody they can count on. You sound full of self doubt (which by the way I can completely empathize and understand), but again - your children need somebody steady that they can count on - and that means a confident parent.
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Unread 02-07-2010, 05:04 PM   #26
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chai,
I have to echo 1418's advice. Seek some professional help, it's called for, given what you share.
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Unread 02-07-2010, 11:47 PM   #27
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You make a very important plea, 1418. I cannot help but feel mixed emotions because I have been on the receiving end of a loved one's disease, and it is so confusing and painful.
I gotta give it to you Chai, you are a good husband and father. I am sorry your family is in pain right now and hope you reach out for professional help.
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Unread 02-09-2010, 07:39 PM   #28
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Well, thank you for the advice - as always. I did call to set-up a counseling meeting early next week and I also went to Alanon last Friday night. Unfortunately, my wife hit a new low while I was at my parents over the weekend with my girls.

She drank a bottle of wine, drove drunk to the store to get beer, and then drank a 6 pack. She was so drunk she thought her friend M still lived across the street (M split with her husband a few months ago). She went over to there and wound up sleeping with the husband. I kid you not. I'm not sure why I feel so ashamed... but I do.

I can't believe he would sleep with her knowing he knows everything about her addiction and he's supposedly my friend. Unbelievable. She told me she passed out in the middle of it... But I do place much of the blame on her.

Over the weekend she said she hit bottom and that she was going to get help again. We talked about 30 day rehab. But now she's back to being the roller coaster woman.

I feel ashamed writing this. I am so weak. But I did call an attorney to find out what I have to do to leave and get custody of my kids. I'm also ashamed to admit I'm not 100% ready to be done with her. Sorry. Again, I am just weak.

But I just needed to vent a little. I still have hope that maybe she will commit to recovering and maybe I'll be able to move past all of this someday.

I'm trying to just focus on getting myself better and taking care of the kids. I'm also looking into doing what's best for my kids. The attorney I spoke to said I can't just leave and take the kids because she could claim I was a child molester and the courts would give custody right to her while they investigated.

Most of the time my wife tells me just to take the kids. But I can't leave the possibility open that she could get the kids from me... even for a few nights.

I'm also really sad for her. Somewhere in there is the woman I was happily married to for about 8 years. The last year and half or so has been filled with drinking and a lot of pain but before that things were good.

Anyway, thank you everyone. Your comments and support mean a lot to me. It's comforting. And I am looking into getting professional help.
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Unread 02-10-2010, 12:08 AM   #29
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Anyone out there? Wife came back from her brothers and is angry that I talked to him last night. She said to stop talking to her family. I said they have a right to know. She's saying shes going to an attorney next week and filing for separation. She's willing to give me custody of the girls but she wants them on her weekends off. I told her no overnights until she's well. She called me names and said, "fine we'll do this the hard way. I'll file for divorce."

Then she asked, "Do you know something I don't know? Do you know I won't be able to get overnights with them?"

I told her I found out my information for free and she can too.

Then she called me a nasty name and went off to bed.

I told her I loved her and wanted her to get well and that should be her focus. I told her my focus is the kids and then getting myself feeling better.

Is this the right thing to say? I'm so afraid she will get the girls. I am sick to my stomach right now.

Can anyone help me with how I should deal with her? What I should say? Anyone out there tonight?
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Unread 02-10-2010, 09:39 AM   #30
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Chai,

My heart goes out to you and your children, and yes even your wife.

You are doing the right things for all concerned. You've made an appointment with a counselor, you've been to an Al Anon meeting - those are all constructive steps in my opinion. I understand your frustration at not being able to get feedback when you need it most. Perhaps you can contact someone you met at the Al Anon meeting? You need to take care of yourself first before you can help anyone else.

Please don't feel ashamed or weak because of your wife's behavior. You are taking the right steps for you and your family. You are caught up in the insidiousness of your wife's disease. As hard as it may seem you need to think objectively about what's going on and think it through, not react immediately to the emotions and behaviors. You need to stand outside the melee and decide how best to proceed. A difficult thing to do at best.

My thoughts are with you.
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Unread 02-10-2010, 10:45 AM   #31
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Chai, I was a heavy drinker for 42 years & an alcoholic for the last 22. I have learned in recovery that my drinking was just a symptom of my problem. My real problem was a thinking problem. I always put myself 1st. In doing this I was a alcoholic, cheat, lier, & thief. I was able to rationalize anything I did.

You are not a doormat to be walked on. You have been the responsible one in this relationship. You have nothing to bee ashamed of. The best thing right now would be if she filed for divorce & let you have custody.

If that does not happen you must take the bull by the horns and protect you children & youself from her behavior.



That so called friend is no longer a friend as far as I'm concerned unless she made up the story.

No one here can tell you what to do. They can only make suggestions.

Keep using a support group. Get numbers so you can call someone right away when you are presented with her behavior.

Last edited by R. Lee; 02-10-2010 at 10:50 AM..
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Unread 02-10-2010, 04:04 PM   #32
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Chai-

First of all, you are NOT weak. This situation is awful and no matter how much we put up with, we still don't want to give up on the people we love. Your wife is doing everything she can to push your buttons. Try to show no emotion when she acts this way. When she calls you nasty names, tell her you won't allow her to talk to you this way. Try to be on the offensive, instead of the defensive, as hard as that may be. She is not ready to get better and it is not your job to make her get better. I hope that makes sense. I know it is easier said than done, but try to put yourself first and maybe leaving after taking care of the legal red tape is the only answer. Take care and keep posting.

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Unread 02-10-2010, 08:22 PM   #33
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Dear Chai,
You have rec'd lots of great feedback, glad counseling has been set up, it will help you explore your options and feelings. I imagine her words and actions are so very hurtful, threats of divorce are probably due to the chaos that comes with this disease. I am sure she loves the kids but you have every right to demand no overnights. At this point, you unfortunately are the only parent capable of making rational decisions and are responsible for your children's SAFETY.
You can always have hope but be realistic, until she seeks help in earnest, do what you need to do to protect your children and yourself.

Hang in there and find as much support as you can. Take care Chai, Carly
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Unread 02-11-2010, 11:20 PM   #34
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So sorry for your troubles!
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Unread 02-11-2010, 11:21 PM   #35
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chai-

Things just keep slipping further downward, yet you still hang on to a shred of hope- I know you have repeatedly said that for 8 years things were good, but honestly could you sit and close your eyes and think long and hard over that time and recall moments of doubt? Moments when you feel you may have overlooked signs that things seemed questionable? I believe what you say because even in my situation, while still in it- I felt as you do now. I had convinced myself that things were good for certain time frames when in fact, I look back now and there were signs that I should have picked up on but refused to see.Your behavior is quite the codependent, and don't take that the wrong way- we tend to become sick with our loved ones. Maybe you could pick up the book, Codependent No More, by Melody Beattie. There is a new one out too, but this book taught me a great deal about myself and how I reacted to my loved one, and even other aspects in life.It was a huge eye opener.
It seems like she is pulling out every ace she can, and you still have hope. I wish you could see that NOTHING you say to her will make a bit of difference, she will not hear you- she only hears what she wants to hear. Get out, protect yourself by reporting her first if that is what you must do. Call child services and tell them that she has a psychological disorder and refuses treatment, she is an alcoholic and you need to leave with your children because you are getting a divorce and fear for your children's safety. YOU HAVE TO TAKE STEPS TO ENSURE YOU GET THOSE KIDS... Stop worrying about what if's and hoping things will get better on their own- you are prolonging the misery and feeding her disease by staying.You cannot save her from herself. I know it hurts and that you are afraid of what will happen to her, but she has to face her bottom on her own.Please, please take care of YOU.
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Unread 02-13-2010, 02:43 PM   #36
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Thank you again... everyone. Magda: What you wrote particularly struck a chord with me.

I am now at my parents with my 2 girls. They have the week off from school so this is where I'll be for at least a week. My wife and I agree that we both need time away from each other to try and get our heads straight. I said I'm thinking of it as a "break" for a week but she said that it's a separation. She said it might take a week, two weeks, however long.

I will not take longer than a week to make my decision. She actually withdrew her pay check a couple days ago and put it into an account with just her name. But she told me she would be willing to combine our money again and that we should talk about it on Monday or Tuesday.

She texted me first thing this morning to see what I was thinking and if my family gave me any advice about what we should do. I told her my parents thought she needed to go to in patient rehab and that we should sell the house (since our finances are a mess thanks to her not working) and then start building from there. But my parents don't know the whole story about what happened last Friday night.

I still feel horribly for my AW and I suspect I always will. But perhaps it is time for me to cut the ties and begin to build a life with just myself and my 2 girls.

I am tempted to get her at least a card tomorrow for Valentine's Day. I also wonder what I should do about this upcoming week. She wants the car (we only have 1 and I have it) so she can go to AA meetings on Monday and Tuesday. She also wants the car for next Wednesday and Friday as she can go to group therapy and go to see her counselor. Our house is only about 10 minutes from my work so I can have her drop me off at work. I can also hang around after work and let her have the car for AA. But part of me thinks I should tell her "no" because she took her check out and she's calling this a separation. Still, another part thinks she needs to go to get better so I should help her.

Any thoughts?

As always, thank you everyone for being there for me. These are dark days... worse than I ever thought I'd see. But I'm starting to see that there's only one way to bring the light back in.

Last edited by chai; 02-13-2010 at 02:54 PM..
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Unread 02-13-2010, 10:20 PM   #37
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It sounds to me like she is testing you. She wants to see if you are going to follow through with what you say.Why did she feel it necessary to put your household money into a private account only to MAYBE put it back later? That makes no sense.Then she texts you? What is that? I do not understand how anyone can "text" their spouse when discussing their marriage. This is not the first I have heard of this, it is simply a way to avoid confrontation. She asked what your family thought, she wants to know what is being said about her instead of working on changing her "sick" behavior. I know you did not tell your parents about Friday night because of what they would think, I don't know if it is worth telling them- they will only worry about you more, then again maybe hearing their thoughts will help convince you of what is best for you. It's good you have your parents on your side, you need the support right now.
There is nothing wrong with feeling bad for your wife, you should not become less thougtful because of her actions. Many people let these type of situations bitter them so deeply, they lose out in the future. However, feeling bad for her and taking care of yourself are two different things and you should not forget the latter. Taking care of yourself and your girls is priority one. Let your wife work on herself. Honestly, even if she does end up taking care of herself, moving on may be the best thing for you. Sometimes once so much damage is done, it is difficult to not let that affect a marriage. We are human, we are allowed to move on, we are allowed to let go. It can have miraculous results.
As far as the car goes, has she gone to her meetings and appointments when you were there with her? Why all of a sudden will she start going? These are things you need to ask her and ask yourself. Most of the answers will come to you and you should not second guess yourself, do what you feel is right, not what she feels is right.
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Unread 02-15-2010, 11:02 PM   #38
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Chai,

You are NOT weak. You are taking positive steps with the counseling and Al-Anon. These are difficult steps to take, but you have the courage to take them, for yourself AND for your precious girls.

I felt your angst when you were posting and asking if anybody was out there. I am so sorry, because that was me about one year ago. Desperate for somebody to respond. I mention this only becuaes I can tell you that a short 12 months later, I am HAPPY. It wasn't easy, and there were dark times, but please know that it is possible to get through this and to actually be happy. I have a feeling being happy isn't on your list and right now you are just focused on getting through this... but YOU WILL!

When times are tough and your heart is heavy, please picture your girls, keep breathing and put one step in front of the other. Even if they are small steps, just keep going... I PROMISE you, it is worth it!!! ... for both you AND your girls.

Take care,
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Unread 02-17-2010, 05:39 PM   #39
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Hoping to hear from you soon, hope you are hanging in there.
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Unread 02-19-2010, 10:22 PM   #40
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Lots has happened since the last time I wrote. Turns out the AW didn't do so well without me around. Valentine's Day was one of the worst days of my life. I spent much of the day running down into my parents' basement and crying so nobody would see me.

That night AW texted me and wanted to talk. I asked about what and she said the kids. I told her it was too late and I needed to get some sleep. The next day she texted me at work and asked me to stop by. I did. She didn't have too much to say so I left. Later that night she called me and was slurring her speech. She asked me to come over to be with her. Though I knew I probably shouldn't, I went. I got there about 945 and she was very drunk. She had drank a 375ml bottle of jack. I finally got her in bed about 130 am and left at about 2. Went back to my parents(she begged me to stay and sleep in the bed with her) but I told her the girls needed me. The drive to my folks is about 40 minutes.

Next morning at about 530 she called me on my cell and begged me to go and get her a six pack. I refused. An hour later she called me and said she took a cab to get a six pack of pints. I took the day off from work and went over to my AW at about 10. Long story a little shorter, her plan was to just keep drinking. After talking she decided to go to rehab again. I made sure it was her decision not mine.

That was Tuesday.

Today she's called me 3 times from detox. She will be going to 30 day rehab on Monday. However, she called me while I was driving to an Alanon meeting tonight and begged me to come pick her up. She said there was weird things going on. She said she'd tell me all about it when I picked her up. I told her I couldn't do that.

I know this is the right thing. But I feel horrible about her wanting to leave. I don't want her to leave rehab. I want her to WANT to get well. Eventhough I know I can't control her, I still can't help but want to make her stay and get well. And I can't help but to have some hope.

Anyway, that's where things are. My 6 year old is missing AW badly but my 8 year old hasn't even asked about her. These next 30 days are going to be really tough. I only hope they are worth it.
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Unread 02-19-2010, 11:16 PM   #41
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Chai-

Good for you for staying strong and not giving in to her pleas to come and get her. She is going to fight as hard as she can to get out - her body is screaming for the stuff right now. Believe it or not, you did what was best. I read recently that the worst thing we, as codependents, can do is enable our Alcohlic loved one. Enabling and giving in to them can actually hinder their recovery, so again, GOOD JOB!! Keep posting and God Bless.

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Unread 02-19-2010, 11:30 PM   #42
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Chai, Good for you. You did not get her the alcohol she wanted uou to get. You did not stay with her when she was drunk. You stood strong when she wanted out of rehab. These are things you have to do to keep from enabling her.
She has to want to get sober. Lets hope she is willing to work at it. All of you are in my thoughts & prayers.
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Unread 02-19-2010, 11:31 PM   #43
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That is good news. Trust your gut, do not pick her up! She is going to try her hardest to get out of there because as with most everything, she is like Jekyll and Hyde because of the disease. One minute she wants to be there and the next she is cured- don't buy into that rubbish.The only concern your wife needs to have right now is remaining sober so that she may begin the process of healing. I hope this is a step in the right direction for you and your family.
I will keep you in my thoughts, please stay strong!
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Unread 02-20-2010, 03:02 PM   #44
chai
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Yup, she called me again early this afternoon and said I can come get her and then bring her to rehab on Monday (they are different places in different cities). At first I said I would because she mentioned she wanted to say goodbye to the kids. Then I asked to speak with a counselor there. The counselor said her best chance at getting well was to go from bed to bed.

So I refused to get her after that. She said she would find a ride herself and not go to rehab at all if I didn't get her. So, I told her if she did that then I would leave her and take the house too. I told her this would be more proof I could use that she isn't recovered.

I held my ground but I feel horrible. Uggggggggggg. Why can't she just stay there and try to get well? I know the answer to that but I still can't help but keep asking myself the question.
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Unread 02-20-2010, 03:16 PM   #45
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I hope you and your girls are holding up well, as well as can be expected.

I have been on both sides of addiction, and I do not disagree with anyone as far as not falling for the "get me out of here, I am ok" stuff. However, I spent time in a VERY questionable rehab, when I went we knew nothing of rehabs, addiction, treatments, etc. Had we any thought before to research and at least understand the treatments offered and the approaches and reputations of the different places, well alot of things would have gone differently. I would never have spent time past detox at that hell hole and I certainly would have gotten appropriate medical/psychological treatment for ME.

Addiction treatment truly needs to be individualized for the patient. One size fits all does not work in the long run..it can cause bigger problems then even imaginable.

I just would like to offer the advice to check into the rehab and detox, to give yourself the piece of mind, so when she does say there is strange stuff going on, you have no doubts. Where I was, just one issue was a person with weapons, threatening to harm others, and that was just a minute issue in comparison to some others.

Unfortunately the stigma perpetuated at many of those places encourage the idea that no person with an addiction can tell the truth, and that they are seeking ways to leave, etc, and true as it is in some cases, there are things that should not go on that are ignored.

I was addicted to opiates for less then a year and have been free of my addiction for 4+ yrs now, and honestly it has taken me a lot of the past 4 yrs to recover from the 28 days of one size fits all rehab. Counseling, medication, the forums here and reading have been the tools that have helped me continue to succeed.

I wish you the very best.
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Unread 02-22-2010, 08:18 AM   #46
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chai-
The disease is speaking for her- do not let it win! You know her well enough to realize that if she were in her right mind, she would not want to leave.This is a test for you as well, you have to be willing to do whatever it takes to let her get well, no matter how much it pains you.This too shall pass!
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Unread 02-25-2010, 10:31 PM   #47
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Chai,
I have been following this- you have received great feedback.
I know it is tough on the kids and you, but honestly when she was around before while drinking, she was not really there - the alcohol was.

Detox/rehab can be rough, but hold tight. 30 days is not that long compared to what will happen if she leaves. More misery, more chaos, .... Talk with her counselors, like someone mentioned, check out the facility for your peace of mind and then try to let it go and let them do their jobs.
Where I was, we could not communicate via phone the first 10 days, and then only once/week, 10 minutes.
I am glad for that now because I had to focus on my issues and it worked.

Stay strong, as long she is in a good, safe facility, with professionals who know what they doing, then imo - she can do this ! Lean on your supports.

Sending good thoughts and prayers your way, take care, Carly
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Unread 02-28-2010, 07:02 PM   #48
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chai-

I hope you are doing well, hope that you are staying strong, regardless please let us know how you are- I hope things are well.
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Unread 03-10-2010, 10:50 PM   #49
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chai-

Please let us know how you are, I am thinking of you!
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Unread 03-11-2010, 08:46 PM   #50
chai
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Hi everyone, sorry it's been awhile. My wife is in 28 day rehab and things are really busy for me with work and taking care of my girls.

My wife is about 3 hours away and my 6 year old really misses her. But we are planning on taking a trip to see my wife this Saturday. My 9 year old just had a birthday yesterday. It went well but I was sad knowing it had to have hurt her not to have her mommy home for it.

So, maybe things are looking up since she's in rehab but I am really struggling. I am trying to detach but I'm still really hurting. I miss my wife. I struggle to keep the house clean and provide for my girls. I am just plain struggling. And I wish my wife would contact me more. But maybe this is just me being selfish.

A couple days ago my wife said that her counselor asked her to consider going to extended rehab (60 days) after the 28 days. I want her to get well but I don't know how I would do it. My family is very supportive and is helping me out but they live about 45 minutes away. And our finances would not be able to withstand her being out of work for another 3 months or so. The finances are already a mess.

Anyway, I am really venting. But my biggest worry is my wife not returning my texts. I sent her one this morning and another this evening just to say hello and I haven't heard back from her. She called my daughter yesterday and spoke to me for a while and then said she'd call me back later that night. She didn't. I wonder if she doesn't want to talk to me because I told her last night that I want to sell the house ASAP because I can't stand living across the street from you know who. She said that is nothing and I shouldn't let it bother me but I can't help it.

So, should I be all rainbows and butterflies when I talk to my wife? Should I cover-up my stress and all the problems? I'm not all doom and gloom now but I do tell her how I feel. However, I always tell her my main concern is her and her getting well. I tell her everything else is secondary and will take care of itself.

Anyway, any insight into rehab and what people go through would be appreciated. And any advice for how to act and what to say to her would be golden for me too. And any advice for how to detach and stop worrying so much about her would be great as well. (I can't help but wonder if she's met someone at rehab that she's spending time with and that's why she's not contacting me very much. But maybe that's just paranoia.)

Anyway, it's a bit of lonely night. The girls are with my parents and I'm here trying to clean the house and get caught up on some of my writing work.

I will let you know how Saturday goes....

Chai
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