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Unread 02-07-2008, 08:26 PM   #1
mandijoy07
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Default please help

anyone who can help me please give any advice i may have

i am an 18 year old daughter of an alcoholic, who is currently at rehab trying to be a new man, a person that can be there for his family. Even after all that he has done to me and my two siblings i still love him with all my heart and really want him to get better so we can become a family , something i have never truely had and i guess i never will. i say this because my mother is currently giving up on my dad and their marriage. I just dont understand why now? why when is is finally becoming a person that is able to live his life with out alcohol ? she stayed with him when she shouldnt have and is now leaving him when he needs his family the most. i now she has the right to move on, which she has she has a new boyfriend a dj at both of our place of employment, its hard cause i disagree so much with the fact that she is still married to my father and living in the same house. But she doesnt care what anyone has to say she just wants to be with him and doesnt care if she looses us in the process.

i know what he has done to us all the pain and suffering is horrible but i know the reason he did the things he did was due to his diesease. i know that when he comes home that he needs his family by his side the most and its not going to happen. he called me earlier today very upset because he recieved a letter in the mail from my moms attorney with divorce papers. i know that even how much i want it to happen i cant make them stay happily married. but i do know i need to help my father through the toughest part of his life, i just dont kow how.

If anyone has any advice that can help me with my parents divorce and helping my dad when he comes home!
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Unread 02-08-2008, 05:47 PM   #2
mandijoy07
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well i guess no one has any advice as to how i can help my father when he comes home i just wish someone did, it would make it alot easier for me as to what i should be doing now to prepare for him coming home and when he does come home what do i do?
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Unread 02-08-2008, 05:47 PM   #3
mandijoy07
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well i guess no one has any advice as to how i can help my father when he comes home i just wish someone did, it would make it alot easier for me as to what i should be doing now to prepare for him coming home and when he does come home what do i do?
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Unread 02-09-2008, 01:48 AM   #4
Nadia
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mandijoy07, you are a wonderful daughter to realize that your father has a disease and has taken steps to put it into remission. The best thing you can do, in my opinion, is to let him know that you are there for him. You will help him with what he needs to keep his alcohol dependence in remission. Bringing him to AA meetings, getting together a list of therapists for him to see. See if he has been any knowledge of the medications there are now for alcohol dependence.
http://www.alcoholanswers.org/treatm...-treatment.cfm

As for your mother, she has decided to take a different path. There is nothing really that you can do about that.

I would also suggest that you take good care of you. Don't expend all of your energies on trying to fix anything. Perhaps there's a therapist you can go to for you, or even Alanon or Alateen for peer support and maybe even some help from others who have been through this.

Prayers.
Nadia
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Unread 02-09-2008, 02:31 PM   #5
mandijoy07
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i had one of the worst dreams last night !
it was the night he came home i took my sister and brother and father all out to dinner then we went and did something fun i cant recall my dreams are jumbled up
but i do recall the morning after i woke up to him falling down drunk not even a full day out of rehab, i think in my dream he and my mom talked to him the night he came home i dont know what they said wasnt very clear
i just burst into crying , partly because he was crying saying my mom had a boyfriend , which she does ! i want him to know so he can prepare himself for when he comes home and has to face "the real world"


i just hope my dream ( more like night mares ) dont become reality when he finally is ready to come home !
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Unread 02-09-2008, 04:04 PM   #6
SLynn
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Mandi

Since he is curently in rehab, is there a therapist or counselor you can talk to there to let them know what's happening? I would think it's important to face this while having the tools at hand to help deal with it. Your fears are understood.

I also think it would be a good idea for you to talk with someone yourself. These are huge life events and they seem to be taking their toll already.

I'm sorry for all you are going through.

SLynn
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Unread 02-09-2008, 11:12 PM   #7
mandijoy07
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ill tell him tomo we as a family are going in for counciling at the rehab, its just going to be so hard to say it cause it will hurt him so much!
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Unread 02-10-2008, 01:10 AM   #8
kmocnik
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Why is it your responsiblilty to tell him? Just wondering. It seems as if you have a lot to hold on to. I think it is great you are so supportive of your father but you can't be responsible for any relapse. I would hate for you to feel that. This sounds so much like my childhood only my father never got help. He still goes to the bar three days a week and gets sloshed. That is what he does in his retirement and lives with his parents.

I hope things go well for you at rehab. I just wish you did not feel so responsible for things. I know how difficult that is. My only advice to you when he comes home is just be there for him as best as you can. You need to also be there for you. You can't help your dad if you don't see things clearly. Does this make any sense. You just need to know that this is not your monkey. The alcoholism is his disease to fight and unfortunately with this diseas comes a lot of family hardship and everyone is hurt. You, your mom and your dad. Just remember that you have a life and you need to live for you. You can only be in charge of you. Maybe you don't want to hear this but I wish I could offer more advice for you.

I will say some prayers for you.
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Unread 02-15-2008, 07:58 PM   #9
mandijoy07
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she brought flowers home from her new boyfriend yesterday and my father will be homoe the begginning of the week what if anything can i or should i do?
he still doesnt know that she in fact does have a boyfriend?
im trying to prepare my self for the worst but i think i am under estimating what is actually going to happen when he comes home !
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Unread 02-16-2008, 12:49 AM   #10
rkjmtc
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I am so sorry you are stressing. I wish I could fix this. (as I am sure you are feeling) I think I would have a talk with your mom. Tell her the position you are in. Tell her that she need to talk to your father she needs to tell him the truth she does not need to be cruel.

You should not have to bear this burden. If you need to talk I am here.

Kim
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Unread 02-16-2008, 01:10 AM   #11
momoftwo
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I am so sorry that you have to go through this. I don't know if I have any words of wisdom for you, I just want you to feel supported. It is very important that you understand that you are not to blame for any of the things that are going on around you. Please do everything you can to get support for yourself to help you understand his disease. This is such a weight for a young girl to carry. Keep reaching out. God bless...
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Unread 02-19-2008, 02:07 AM   #12
mandijoy07
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thank you every one for your advice and support!!
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Unread 02-19-2008, 02:51 AM   #13
Sarah24
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Hey there...

I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through...You sound like such a lovely person who is trying her best to do what you can. I know this may sound like a selfish thing to do, but a lot of this situation is out of your control and it is ok to focus on yourself right now too. The one thing you can control is yourself and your thoughts. And of course help when you can. when your dad comes home it will probably be a strange transition. In preparation of his return have you talked to your mother about what is going on and how it is effecting you? Know that you can not control your dad or what your mom does, but you can still love them both very much, as I'm sure they love you. Are your parents seperated, or did this boyfriend just appear when your dad went into rehab? Have you met him? Has your mother explained this boyfriend to you at all? Have you told her how much his involvement in your mom's life is effecting you? Again i'm so sorry to hear about what you are going through...This is the last thing you should have to worry about right now. Try and keep open lines of communication with your mom too...You are worried, and rightly so, about things that others are doing in your life and that can be very difficult and frustrating. Hang in there...I'll be thinking of you.
-Sarah-
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Unread 02-20-2008, 02:13 PM   #14
rkjmtc
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How is everything??? Are you ok? I am worried about you.

Kim
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Unread 02-22-2008, 12:28 AM   #15
mandijoy07
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im okay we finally got a definate date as to when he is coming home... sunday! im filled with lots of mixed emotions . but you could pretty much say i am doing ok.
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Unread 02-22-2008, 02:04 AM   #16
rkjmtc
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ok. I just wanted to check on you. You are a very strong person and I want you to take care of you! because of your input i better understand what my kids are going thru. Thankyou for being here! I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers!

Kim
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Unread 02-24-2008, 05:53 AM   #17
Susan M. Schmitt
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Oh honey I know you're hurting with this. You have to understand that your father has put your mother thru alot of mental anguish and she feels that she has reached the end of her tether now even tho your father is getting help for his problem she has expended so much energy into him over the years that she has none left to give him. She will always love him he is the father of her children You will get thru this as we all will with our troubles we have to. Hang in there.
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Unread 02-26-2008, 08:32 PM   #18
mandijoy07
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what do i do he came home from rehab on late sunday night, he was happy and everything all through monday. then late monday night i got a text message from my younger brother who was home at the time saying he was drinking a beer. i didnt believe him so i called my aunt and she informed me that he had to of been lieing there was no lights on in the house or anything then i got a picture message of the actual beer bottle. my two aunts and grandma went over there and about an hour after the text message came i got a phone call from my father he in fact did have a beer.
he says he is really sorry but i dont think i can believe him, i had put so much trust into all this ordeal to find out he drank again. he said it was only one beer but he only went one day out of an inpatient rehab facility! what do i do? can i trust him again??
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Unread 02-26-2008, 08:51 PM   #19
letgoletgod
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Hi Mandijoy07

I just read through this thread and I am sorry for the pain alcoholism is bringing into your life. I can tell you love your family and have compassion for your father. Just like his brain deceives him into believing he can control his drinking, your brain is deceving you into thinking you can stop him as well and make everyone "happy". When he hurts, he drinks. When you hurt, you want to fix them. This is the disease of alcoholism and it is very destructive for everyone involved.

Right now, for today all you can do is tell your father that you love him and will support him in recovery whether it be counseling, AA or an intensive outpatient program associated with the rehab he just left. Most programs offer that to their clients after they leave inpatient. If not,there is AA everywhere. You cannot support him in destroying his life. I know that it is easier said than done, but it is the greatest gift of love you can give him right now.

As for you, you need to take care of yourself by finding either an Alateen or Al Anon program to visit, coming here for support and maybe even doing some reading about alcoholism and addiction. You might also consider phoning the counselor at his treatment facility that met with the family for support. You cannot keep him from drinking but you can keep him from dragging you down with him. You owe that to yourself. You are a very wise 18 year old or you would not have found this site and shared your story. Dont' try to "do" too much right now. Your father had to have heard something while in rehab. Sometimes it takes a lot of falling down for them to really get back up. He has to suffer his own consequences.

I know what I'm saying is not easy to hear, but you must take care of the affects of alcoholism in your life so you can be healthy too.

Please keep coming back.
susan
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Unread 03-03-2008, 02:26 PM   #20
mandijoy07
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i think he is back to his days of drinking, he has gotten really shaddy and back to his frequent trips out to his truck where he used t o keep his alcohol. i dot know what to do..i am just trying to stay out of the house and live my life but i want him to be healthy and dont feel that running from my problems is going to help anything!
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Unread 03-03-2008, 02:57 PM   #21
joshuasmom
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You poor thing. I just read you story and it really touched my heart. You are so young and strong and have your entire life ahead of you. I'm so sorry that you've had to live your life this way and feel all this pain. I know it hurts, but you can love and support your father without letting him bring you down and revolving your life around his illness. I'm no professional (by any means), but you sound like someone who could really benefit from Alanon. I would check out a meeting in your area soon! It helps, trust me... I wish you the best of luck. Stay strong! Don't let this break you...you can't control him, but you can take control of your life...
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Unread 03-04-2008, 01:24 AM   #22
sassygirl
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you did the right thing.You can also get the help and support that you will need in Alanon.It will help you .Pray for your mom and love her where she's at .don't be to quick to judge .Don't take sides as the realationship that failed is your mom's and dad's.It had nothing to to with you.Detach yourself from thier problems and love the both of them where thier at.
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Unread 03-09-2008, 06:38 AM   #23
swthoneybr
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Quote:
quote:Originally posted by mandijoy07

anyone who can help me please give any advice i may have

i am an 18 year old daughter of an alcoholic, who is currently at rehab trying to be a new man, a person that can be there for his family. Even after all that he has done to me and my two siblings i still love him with all my heart and really want him to get better so we can become a family , something i have never truely had and i guess i never will. i say this because my mother is currently giving up on my dad and their marriage. I just dont understand why now? why when is is finally becoming a person that is able to live his life with out alcohol ? she stayed with him when she shouldnt have and is now leaving him when he needs his family the most. i now she has the right to move on, which she has she has a new boyfriend a dj at both of our place of employment, its hard cause i disagree so much with the fact that she is still married to my father and living in the same house. But she doesnt care what anyone has to say she just wants to be with him and doesnt care if she looses us in the process.

i know what he has done to us all the pain and suffering is horrible but i know the reason he did the things he did was due to his diesease. i know that when he comes home that he needs his family by his side the most and its not going to happen. he called me earlier today very upset because he recieved a letter in the mail from my moms attorney with divorce papers. i know that even how much i want it to happen i cant make them stay happily married. but i do know i need to help my father through the toughest part of his life, i just dont kow how.

If anyone has any advice that can help me with my parents divorce and helping my dad when he comes home!
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Unread 03-09-2008, 06:40 AM   #24
swthoneybr
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Quote:
quote:Originally posted by mandijoy07

anyone who can help me please give any advice i may have

i am an 18 year old daughter of an alcoholic, who is currently at rehab trying to be a new man, a person that can be there for his family. Even after all that he has done to me and my two siblings i still love him with all my heart and really want him to get better so we can become a family , something i have never truely had and i guess i never will. i say this because my mother is currently giving up on my dad and their marriage. I just dont understand why now? why when is is finally becoming a person that is able to live his life with out alcohol ? she stayed with him when she shouldnt have and is now leaving him when he needs his family the most. i now she has the right to move on, which she has she has a new boyfriend a dj at both of our place of employment, its hard cause i disagree so much with the fact that she is still married to my father and living in the same house. But she doesnt care what anyone has to say she just wants to be with him and doesnt care if she looses us in the process.

i know what he has done to us all the pain and suffering is horrible but i know the reason he did the things he did was due to his diesease. i know that when he comes home that he needs his family by his side the most and its not going to happen. he called me earlier today very upset because he recieved a letter in the mail from my moms attorney with divorce papers. i know that even how much i want it to happen i cant make them stay happily married. but i do know i need to help my father through the toughest part of his life, i just dont kow how.

If anyone has any advice that can help me with my parents divorce and helping my dad when he comes home!
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Unread 03-09-2008, 07:32 AM   #25
swthoneybr
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Mandijoy, Please excuse my 2 previous attempts at responding to your post,I am new to this I have read many of the other posts and could not agree more with what everyone said about you getting counseling. The things my 18 yr old daughter has seen will haunt me forever. I took her to counseling a few yrs ago and hope with all my heart that at least some of it helped her realize that what was going on with her family was not normal and perhaps how to deal with it. I was especially touched with the post that praised you for seeking out help here and for the suppor/love that you so dearly want to give your Father. The one thing that really prompted me to write was how painful your Mother's decision to leave your Father, especially when he is obviously trying to change his life. Why? you asked, did she decide to leave now when he has finaly sought help and needs her and there is a chance that you can all be a family? Please try to understand that perhaps your Mother has obviously had enough. Each of us has our own level of tolerance and once that line is crossed, sometimes there is just no turning back. Marriage to an alcoholic is, among other things, draining,painful and lonely. In the midst of all that, not only did she find the courage to leave, but she was blessed to have found love again. Hopefully, your Mom knows that what is important now is that she continue to love and support her children, regardless of whether they support their Dad or not. Help her to help you. Talk with her often, letting her know how you feel about what is going on around you. Hopefully, she respects the love that you have for your Father and will help you through all the confusion. Together, you, your Mom and siblings will grow stronger b/c of the problems that you all have faced together.
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Unread 03-19-2008, 01:28 PM   #26
Shannon
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i do not know if this will help but here goes. I am right where u are but i am the mom in this one and the daughter of an alcoholic. My fist thought on reading your plea for help was how much pain you are in. Next was the immediate response from you not to want anything for yourself but you desire for knowlege to help someone else first. You do what we all do which is care so much it hurts. My suggestion to you is to start to take conscious care of yourself. Damage is hard to repair like what your mom is dealing with. Your dad will be dealing with himself and his conscience alot in the next years. these 2 adults have to make their own way. You are not responsible for them and run the risk of becoming dependant on fixing them and your family. This could lead to you never being able to focus on what you want for your life. I know, for me at 41, i look back and at your age i too was the one in the middle telling mom if she could not live without him then bring him home. I gave up my right to safety and peace in my life so the the alcoholic could come back in. Unless a person can hold onto their hopes and dreams of life u get depressed and dependant. I find myself more sick, physically and mentally because of that dependance and depression. Talk to a real person if u can face to face. Group helps if u take the time to do the work and heal you, you can help your siblings cause you all share this common experience. Try to consciously shift your mind to thought of school self care and yes even fun. Most kids like you and me when i was your age grow up way too fast and miss the being taken care of instead of taking care of others.
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Unread 03-21-2008, 12:10 PM   #27
lauri
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Mandi , I am a mother of two sons 18 and 19 . their father was a drinker , not always drunk , but seemed to always drink . sometimes there was alcohol before food , and terrible fights that my kids seen over the years . we stayed together 19 years , and much like your mother , I got tired and found someone new , but that isnt always the answer , The new person in my life also turned out to be an alcoholic , much worse at drinkling than my first husband . I understand how your mom feels , and I understand how you feel . You have to focus on you . Its ok . You dont have to take sides and you dont have to be in the middle . My situation is much like yours , from the moms point of veiw. she got tired of hoping it would be ok , and not willing to take the chance of being let down and hurt again . Im sure she hurts for you too as i do my sons , but sometimes we just dont feel like we can sit back and watch anymore . Now im just watching someone else do the same thing that i have watched for most of my life .I hope you are ok . dont let this thing control you . I know you feel hopeless , but when I feel hopeless , I block everything out and sit and read my bible . I find peace there , no matter how many times he interupts me or what comments he may have about how i deal with this . He has gone 2 days and no alcohol , but I know it is only a matter of time before he drinks again . probably tonite , its friday . I dont get my hopes up , it seems to cause me to crash with disappointment . I wish I knew the right words to help you .Just know that we are all here for you . Dont blame your mom in all this either . She has suffered long and hard with this disease ,It is very painful raising children with an alcoholic . We as moms try to protect our kids from all that is painful, let them both know that you love them , but take a long hard look and love yourself as well , please take care of yourself . we all worry about you here.
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