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Unread 06-08-2016, 07:13 PM   #1
tferg
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Posts: 3
Default Husbands Family is Enabling Him

I am new to the site and need some advice. My husband is an alcoholic and prescription drug addict. We have been married for 8 years and seperated for 1 year.
How can I get his family to stop Enabling him so he can hit bottom and hopefully get help? He continues to drink and drive even after 3 DUI's Everytime he wrecks or messes up his car his Mom fixes it. How can I keep him from drinking and driving, what are my rights over his family.. eventually he is going to hurt or kill himself or God forbid someone else and I don't know if I could forgive myself for not trying to stop it.
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Unread 06-08-2016, 08:51 PM   #2
Sam Bailey
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Hello Tferg,

I'm sorry that you're having to deal with this alcoholic situation. Mostly I'm sorry that your life is suffering such a miserable and heartbreaking experience.

Alcoholism and drug addiction, as you may already know, is one of the most mysterious conditions that exists. Nothing makes sense. Yet the addict/alcoholic continues to make the same choices that are making h/her life a total and complete mess.

You ask what you can do to change his behavior, as well as the behaviors of his family?

Nothing.

Sorry, friend, but until an addict/alcoholic wants to change his own life, there is virtually nothing his loved one can do,

However, I recommend that you, ASAP!!, starting attending AL ANON. This is a 12 Step Support Group that helps the families and other loved ones of the alcoholic.

Whether or not you know it, you MAY be enabling your husband too. AL ALON will help you recognize whether or not you are. You will be surrounded by people who know what you're going through. These are people who have BEEN where you now are....and people who are currently in your same situation. Together you support each other.

An alcoholic will not change until the consequences of his behavior make staying IN that behavior worse that getting out of it.

You MAY have to remove yourself from that family dynamic. Fact is, you don't deserve this kind of insane life, do you? If you answer no you don't, you may need to go.

One thing, you will find some modicum of quiet and two, maybe your husband will finally start to feel some of the consequences of his bad behavior.

Stick around here, friend. Continue to share, please.

sam
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Unread 06-08-2016, 09:54 PM   #3
tferg
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Thank you Sam, I will definitely keep sharing, it helps to be able to talk about it. One thing I try my best not to do is enable my Husband, although I am sure there are ways to enable I am not even aware of. The reason we are not together is because I call it like it is and an addict does not like hearing the truth. He has stolen from me, put me in the hospital twice and can't hold a job.
I have on many occasions asked his family to please not enable him because he needs to suffer the consequences of his actions to ever hit bottom. My main issue at this point is the drinking and driving, this really worries me.. and I don't know what my rights are as far as keeping his mother from fixing it so he is on the road with a loaded weapon..
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Unread 06-09-2016, 06:43 PM   #4
Sam Bailey
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Hey Tferg,

You say,
Quote:
"I don't know what my rights are as far as keeping his mother from fixing it so he is on the road with a loaded weapon..
Friend, there is no fixing it. No fixing him, nor fixing his dumbass enabling mother. Reason, good sense, the law! none of those little ditties seem to matter to either of them.

Not only that, but you also say that he has "put you in the hospital twice." Forgive me, but this is an urgent matter.....and you, dear, are in a dangerous situation...as are an unknown number of other people, old folks to kids, Mom, Dads, to every innocent person on the road!

Put you in the damn hospital, he did---you say that? Good God, Tferg, get away from that man...now!

Look, he may be a wonderful human being when he's sober, but he ain't sober---ergo he's NOT a good person. He's a dangerous person.

As far as him carrying a loaded weapon in the car, you CAN do something about that. CALL THE POLICE! Ah, come on, snitching is bad, I don;'t wanna be a snitch...

Bullshyte! You also don't want to own part of a family's broken heart when your husband goes nuts and kills somebody. You can put a gd stop to this now. Right damn now!

Do it. Please.

Some, no, MANY changes need to be made in your life.

I hope that you think very hard about making them. Today!

best,

sam
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Unread 06-12-2016, 02:09 AM   #5
tferg
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Sam,
I have moved so he no longer knows where I live. This relationship is over.. Life is to short to be unhappy and scared. He was a good man, but he is no longer that man.. Even if he went into treatment and sobered up, to much damage has been done to repair this relationship. .
Thank you so much..
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Unread 06-13-2016, 09:38 AM   #6
R. Lee
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tferg, Welcome to the site.

Family & friends of the alcoholic do have choices on how they want to live. You made a good one.

As you probably know no one can get him sober. He has to want to get sober for himself.
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Unread 06-23-2016, 06:12 PM   #7
1418
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I am so glad you are getting away from him. I divorced my ex in 2009. He just incurred his third DUI in May of this year.

If there was a magic formula where the ones that love an addict enough could fix him/her, this site wouldn't exist. Unfortunately, all the love in the world can't fix an addict or the people they hurt. All we can do is look to each other for strength, learn something about ourselves and push forward.

I've learned I have an amazing capacity for forgiveness. There was a time I wanted to cause harm to my ex. I really hated him that much.

Who knows what wonderful things you are going to learn about yourself? You never know!!!
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