Addiction Survivors

Notices

Reply
Unread 11-02-2014, 06:50 AM   #1
g-man7777
Junior Member
 
Posts: 7
Default Help with definition...

Hello,

I recently became involved with a woman and against my better judgement I have moved in with her. I am over 50, divorced over 10 years and I have never lived with anyone outside of marriage. I was married to an alcoholic who died some years after I divorce her. I am a light to medium drinker with no medication intake whatsoever. I take good care of myself and I enjoy remarkably good health. I am educated and I thought not dumb but .....

Here is what I know to be a fact:

Metoprolol Succinate
Zolpidem
Lorazepam

...every night.

Since I have moved in and she has gotten comfortable the wine consumption has escalated. I don't drink it so she is either drinking it or watering the flowers with it.

The wine consumption looks to average 20oz to 34oz per day.

I am under the impression that alcohol and her meds should not mix.

She is very bright, attractive and highly educated.

I have never experienced this med/alcohol thing before and I feel a need to get perspective.

This is not some Jerry Springer melodrama. I've be alone for a very long time and I have grown tired of being alone. When I met this woman 6 months ago I thought I had found the love of my life.

My gut tells me this is hopeless but I want to get some perspective, facts and make the tough choices if necessary.

Please no lecturing or war stories. On a scale of 1 to 10 how bad is it and it there any hope?

We have discussed and argued over the wine. She is in denial and defends it as any alcoholic worth their salt would.

Thanks
g-man7777 is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 11-02-2014, 10:58 AM   #2
R. Lee
Senior Member
 
Posts: 4,984
Default

g-man777, Welcome to this site. I am a recovering alcoholic. We I drank life was all about me. My wants came 1st.

This is not your first rodeo. I suggest you listen to your gut feelings.
R. Lee is offline   Reply With Quote
3 Users Say Thank You to R. Lee For This Useful Post:
Thank You (11-02-2014), Thank You (11-04-2014), Thank You (11-03-2014)
Unread 11-02-2014, 12:06 PM   #3
maxxx
Member
 
Posts: 97
Default Arguing over 750 ML per day...Yikes!

i like what R Lee has said. its really very simple, learn to live with it and all that comes with it, or listen to what your but is saying.
Hope?, sure, if she is made to see how this is effecting You. If she cares to change . .
Im in the same boat, though i found recovery, my x has not..
just my 2 cents...
maxxx is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 11-02-2014, 06:58 PM   #4
lostdog
Senior Member
 
Posts: 2,942
Default

medication and meds never mix, follow your instincts and stay sober yourself.
lostdog is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 11-23-2014, 12:39 AM   #5
RichNL
Member
 
Posts: 3
Default

shes drinking too much. women should not have more than 7 alcoholic drinks per week. a standard glass of wine is 5 oz. from what you're saying she is having 4 - 7 drinks per day. I think she needs help.
RichNL is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 12-17-2014, 03:10 PM   #6
g-man7777
Junior Member
 
Posts: 7
Default

Epilogue:

Perhaps a lesson in there somewhere.

Well as I have learned from past experiences with alcoholics (one recovered and the other married, divorced and dead), is that there is a deep seated mix of destructive forces that are stronger than love, caring, support or anything else.

On the day we ordered a ring and I proposed to her she was texting an old lover for a rendezvous. As things unfolded I monitored the situation and two days after I was suppose to give her the ring she schedule a steamy afternoon with Mr. Stud who is a recovering addict.

I know this sounds low rent but on the outside it looks quite different. She is part time licensed physician with very fine credentials. She had improved quite a bit since we met but she objected to me questioning her drug and alcohol intake. I am relieved to have found out what a hell I almost threw myself into.

Interestingly, as the plot was revealed I got the most adolescent excuses imaginable. After I abruptly ended the relationship I got the predictable set of emails 1. lame excuse 2. lashing out 3. plea for a second chance. This all indicative of a emotionally stunted individual.

I was under a good deal of pressure since I did to want to be the grinch for the holidays. It took a good deal stress and determination for me to get this done. The reality of the ruined Christmas and the thoughts of what she is going to say to family and friends must be setting in. I'm getting texts with veiled attempts to re-open the dialogue even after the rendezvous has taken place.

This type of behavior is just purely monstrous. I was going to get trotted out for the holidays as if i was a prop and if the 3rd party was agreeable I was headed for a pink slip sometime after New Years with money spent a ring and gifts.

My past experiences gave me the wisdom and tools to stay vigilant and not fall for the remarkable manipulation.

When asked for a second chance my response was "...call me from rehab".

I've gone to the trouble to explain all this in the hopes of helping someone avoid heartache. When involved with someone like this the less seasoned may have difficulty accepting the depth of the manipulation and shameless selfishness.

I wish all well who find themselves exposed to this kind of sadness.

I am relieved and happy to be alive and I shall pray for her.

Last edited by g-man7777; 12-17-2014 at 03:14 PM..
g-man7777 is offline   Reply With Quote
2 Users Say Thank You to g-man7777 For This Useful Post:
Thank You (12-17-2014), Thank You (12-18-2014)
Unread 12-17-2014, 07:24 PM   #7
R. Lee
Senior Member
 
Posts: 4,984
Default

G-man, Typical alcoholic behavior. Don't be sucked in!!
R. Lee is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 12-18-2014, 01:48 PM   #8
jenm
Senior Member
 
Posts: 976
Default

Hi G-man-

I am so thankful that you were able to avoid a disaster. I used to be exactly the woman you were describing, and I thank the Lord that I do not have to live like that anymore. I am also highly educated and was respected in my work, by colleagues, all that. However, I was as alone as could be and would fight like crazy if my disease was threatened. Oh how grateful I am to be sober!

It is very sad that the alcoholic does not see the very apparent need for help. I deal with this with my brother. Despite losing two professional jobs as a direct result of drinking, a liver transplant that saved his life (because of alcohol induced cirrhosis), destroyed personal relationships and destruction of our family, he STILL drinks and continues to be an active alcoholic. If you ask him, he will reply, "everything is fine." REALLY?

As hard as it is sometimes, I pray for him. And for anyone who still has to live in this denial and sickness. There is another way. I am so thankful that I have my life back. Take care! Jenm
jenm is offline   Reply With Quote
2 Users Say Thank You to jenm For This Useful Post:
Thank You (12-25-2014), Thank You (12-18-2014)
Unread 12-18-2014, 03:30 PM   #9
R. Lee
Senior Member
 
Posts: 4,984
Default

Thank you for being so honest jenm. It is the only way we can get better.
R. Lee is offline   Reply With Quote
2 Users Say Thank You to R. Lee For This Useful Post:
Thank You (12-25-2014), Thank You (12-19-2014)
Unread 12-21-2014, 02:27 PM   #10
lostdog
Senior Member
 
Posts: 2,942
Default

glad you didn't go for her, way to go. Jenm I guess your brother needs to hit rock bottom sometime? Sorry you have to deal with that.
lostdog is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 12-21-2014, 03:21 PM   #11
jenm
Senior Member
 
Posts: 976
Default

Yes Lostdog- I would think that he 'has' hit bottom, but I really don't know what a bottom will look like for him. I hope and pray that death does not come first.

It is so hard to see someone who is such a good, smart, funny person totally destroy his life both physically and emotionally. What I can do today is pray for him. That could just as easily be me, but by the grace of God it is not. Jenm
jenm is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 12-25-2014, 02:00 PM   #12
g-man7777
Junior Member
 
Posts: 7
Default Sad but much to be thankful for

I wish to thank everyone for the thoughtful responses and support especially JENM.

My hope is that my friend will see the light before it'stoo late. I've been firm but sensitive to her since. We have exchanged a number o texts and emails. At one point we had a "coincidental" encounter. She began the conversation by inquiring about rehab choices. Predictably the conversation quickly moved to adolescent excuses and denials.

I did receive messages thanking me for being a "guiding light", "courageous friend" and characterizing my emails as "haunting".

She is still in denial and heavy into the manipulation mode. A few days after her "rendezvous" she was shamelessly attempting to salvage the coming embarrassment due to my absence over the holidays.

I have asked her not to communicate any further and perhaps the sadness and loneliness of the holidays will be the catalyst needed to force her to face herself.

I don't want to seem superior nor pompous. The initial realization that we were headed for this sad ending was very painful. My past experiences and the wise words of a recovering alcoholic (sober since 86) gf years ago guided me.

I hold hope that maybe some day I'll visit her in rehab and know that she is on the right path.

P.S. I wrestle with why I find myself mixed up the same type. I'm smart, educated, civilized, compassionate and kind. I'm a born "fixer" and "giver" and my only path seems to be is not got involved with anyone. I had taken a 4 1/2 year break and I thought that being alone and reflecting on my life was going to produce positive results. I guess it's back to the drawing board!!
g-man7777 is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 12-27-2014, 10:56 AM   #13
jenm
Senior Member
 
Posts: 976
Default

Hey gman -

I've always wrestled with why I (used to) try to involve myself with someone I could "fix". I stopped doing that. It never worked. I don't think it would work if I tried it again, so I'm not going to.

I'm not a fast learner. Bookwise, yes. In life, no. I've always had to fall flat on my face and then I learn. I don't like doing that either, so I've also stopped doing that. I can only control me. Sometimes I try to control my sons but I cannot do that either. I've been at the drawing board for years and I am SO not an artist! I shall keep trying though. Take care, you made the right decision! Jenm
jenm is offline   Reply With Quote
One User Says Thank You to jenm For This Useful Post:
Thank You (12-27-2014)
Unread 12-27-2014, 12:31 PM   #14
g-man7777
Junior Member
 
Posts: 7
Default Appreciation

JennM:

You are very strong and sensitive. I appreciate you taking the time to comment.

My sadness and disappointment will pass leaving me stronger and more resigned to be more careful. My isolation and my vision of what wonders a mature and constructive relationship can bring get the best of me sometimes.

I have my health and my sanity. I'm grateful.
g-man7777 is offline   Reply With Quote
One User Says Thank You to g-man7777 For This Useful Post:
Thank You (12-27-2014)
Unread 12-27-2014, 10:23 PM   #15
g-man7777
Junior Member
 
Posts: 7
Default How far will they go...

I have shut down communication with my "friend" a few times in an effort to try to force her to face the truth about her behavior. There were moments when I thought she was coming to that point.

I don't want to sound as if I am toying with her because I am not. I sincerely hoped to see her in a program.

The break-up occurred when a plot was exposed for her to visit her old lover at his apartment. As it unfolded that she had to admit she was going but then she claimed she was visiting him to tell him about us and to bid a final farewell even she hadn't seen him for weeks(supposedly) before we met. No matter how much discussion regarding it being unnecessary for her to actually go to his place she insisted. I left the day before this "innocent" rendezvous was to take place and ten days before Christmas.

I have held firm that I am done and that the behavior was inappropriate. Please note that as I departed certain steamy texts were exposed. I held out a thin hope that she would go into a program and face her demons and become the woman she once was. I was thinking long term and I was willing to invest in the relationship if a miracle could happen. I did not express this but it was implied.

Now to my point: A last ditch effort to avoid the truth I have been informed that as an MD which she is she had to go there to discuss sensitive health issues with him before he left the country. HIPAA had prevented her from mentioning his status as a patient sooner!

When dealing with these people I have found that I have to hold firmly on to my reality regardless of the one they try to force on me. They think they can hook your heart and then you will believe any thing they tell you.

I shared this in order to illustrate the lengths they will go to in order to avoid coming to grips with their addiction and their monstrous behavior.

In response to this preposterous lie I have asked her not to contact me further with no direct reference to it. I am now get pelted with a wide range of accusations.

Last edited by g-man7777; 12-27-2014 at 10:29 PM..
g-man7777 is offline   Reply With Quote
One User Says Thank You to g-man7777 For This Useful Post:
Thank You (12-28-2014)
Unread 12-28-2014, 08:57 AM   #16
g-man7777
Junior Member
 
Posts: 7
Default Venting is therapeutic...

I say "thank you for listening!".

As I have been confronted with this sad and disturbing behavior, I find it very stressful and disheartening.

When I finished last night, I felt a sense of empowerment and a return to sane equilibrium.

New Year's is coming and it will be opportunity for me to resolve to make more of an effort to avoid these types of relationships. I plan to regroup and rebuild in January and beyond. I was in a very good place when this relationship started and I feel I have suffered a setback.

The "setback" is the price I paid.
g-man7777 is offline   Reply With Quote
One User Says Thank You to g-man7777 For This Useful Post:
Thank You (12-29-2014)
Unread 12-28-2014, 10:37 AM   #17
R. Lee
Senior Member
 
Posts: 4,984
Default

g-man777, That sounds like a plan. So many are trapped in terrible relationships & they can't get away from. Consider yourself lucky that you reached out for help & came to the conclusion that I don't have to live like this. I have choices.
R. Lee is offline   Reply With Quote
3 Users Say Thank You to R. Lee For This Useful Post:
Thank You (12-28-2014), Thank You (12-29-2014), Thank You (12-28-2014)
Unread 07-01-2015, 08:05 AM   #18
g-man7777
Junior Member
 
Posts: 7
Default

FOLLOW-UP

Well I gave it one last try. After leaving in December I was barraged with texts and emails. I allowed her to plant a seed of doubt and I returned on New Year's Eve.

It wasn't long before began to feel I had made a mistake. On top of the drinking and drugs she persisted in secretly maintaining a relationship (cyber) with a former lover. In December I snooped around and found out they were planning a secret rendezvous. I left and she spent time with him and then stalked me. I am reliable and a "fixer" of sorts. I returned under the condition that old BF would be history. I knew that as sure as the sun would shine she would cool it for a while and link up again.

Interestingly, this pattern of selfish and sneaky behavior was the trademark of my first wife. I could not take my eye off of her for a second. I left her in the late 70's after nine years of hell. My point is that this irresponsible behavior seems to go with alcoholics. I don't know exactly why but lying is second nature.

I watched "Flight" about three times and found it very interesting. There is a scene where Denzel is leaving an AA meeting and one of the other participants is saying (in the background) "...I've been lying all of my life". Whoever wrote that movie has been there!

Cutting to the chase, I lived for over five months snooping and finally in mid-June I found a string of texts (under another name-typical lame sneaky trick). The conversations were sexual when she wasn't complaining about me. The irony is that she is PhD level and she is fooling with semi-lowlife who is "engaged" to an innocent woman thirty years younger. She is supposed to arrive in the U.S. in about two months. I knew he would need servicing in the meantime so this was predictable.

Why am I bothering to mention this? To illustrate the way this type of person will use someone. She has serious financial problems and we were planning to rent a place together this Fall as one way to stabilize her finances. As the day drew near, I had long talks with myself. I felt a sense of commitment and obligation since I had promised. I felt trapped by a person who could drop me in a flash.

After reading the texts, I did the only thing I could do. I had to wait a week for her to be planning a day out of the house. As soon as she left I packed everything up and left a note. I will not read her texts or emails. Furthermore, I threatened her with a restraining order after the last unread email and communication has stopped.

I am detoxifying now and I know I have things inside of me that propelled me toward this destruction relationship. I am moving forward with an eye toward rebuilding.

One last thing that I am sure will strike a note with many. She worked sporadically and there were more excuses that just wore me down. With the amount of wine consumption I could not imagine how anyone could work every day. She kept two 1.5 Liter bottles on the floor next to the bed and did not think it was odd.

I hope this helps someone who may be involved with someone and is having doubts. have no doubt that if I had stayed my life would have been shortened significantly.

Peace
g-man7777 is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off




All times are GMT -4. The time now is 04:58 AM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2019, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
© 2014 Addiction Survivors