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Unread 07-26-2013, 11:26 PM   #51
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Thanks for sharing your thoughts, R. Lee. I did just that. She did not respond but at least I got to acknowledge her and let her know I do love her. Thank you again.
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Unread 07-27-2013, 10:04 PM   #52
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OHIL, You did the right thing.
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Unread 07-30-2013, 07:39 PM   #53
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Thank you R.Lee for sharing your thoughts. I have not heard anything else from her so far. Thanks again for being willing to share. It's so hard to know what to do sometimes and it helps tremendously to bounce things off those who have experience.
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Unread 08-04-2013, 09:05 AM   #54
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The ups and downs are hard to navigate. Had a quiet conversation with my daughter on the day after she was to be out of her apt. She told me her health was better and that shed gained some weight back. I told her I'd noticed a meeting for SmartRecovery was available in her area if she was interested. She said she was and that she could get there pretty easily. What she didn't mention was that she took the big things from the apt and just walked away from everything else - leaving it in the apt. She also didn't clean anything in the last 6-12 months so it was filthy. The landlord called after I spoke with her to let me know. I just spent the last two days emptying and cleaning the place. I was able to save some keepsakes for my grandson so he has some mementos from his childhood.
I admit I'm angry with her for being so irresponsible. I know it's the disease but I'm human, too. I am exhausted and sore. I was missing her and wanting to talk to her but I really don't want to hear from her for a while now. I'm also done asking or allowing my other daughter and grandchildren to spend their time cleaning up her messes. I love her but I'm spent.
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Unread 08-04-2013, 08:54 PM   #55
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OHIL, It is a shame she left the apartment a mess & only took the big thing & you had to clean the place.

She still puts her lifestyle 1st instead of thinking of you. She has a long way to go.
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Unread 08-07-2013, 07:54 PM   #56
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Thanks, R. Lee. I'm trying to decide what kind of relationship with her will work for me since it appears she could stay in the same shape and state of being for a long time. I've learned I can't get pulled into the black hole that is her disease by being close. It sucks the life out of me and destroys my sanity, health, work, and other relationships. Yet, I love my daughter so turning my back on her isn't the answer either, is it? How do I keep her at arms length but still reinforce that I love her. She says she knows I love her, but will she continue to hold onto that if I don't answer her calls or return her texts? Thoughts are welcome from all...thanks!
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Unread 08-08-2013, 08:22 PM   #57
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Ok another failure on my part....I sent my daughter a text this morning that just said "I love you" and the floodgates opened! She has texted me multiple times, called me at work several times (I didn't answer) and now has called my cell twice in an hour leaving long voice messages. She is unhappy in her living arrangements, complaining about being taken advantage of and mistreated, frustrated at being left with someone's kids to watch who are driving her crazy and she has no idea when the parent will be home or how to contact him. She says she's 58 days sober but having seizures occasionally. I don't believe her about being sober - others have spoken to her and knew she was drunk. She had seizures when going through withdrawal but would they continue if she actually was sober??

I don't want this kind of drama! I guess I really do have to cut ties with her for the foreseeable future? My heart is heavy...again.
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Unread 08-09-2013, 08:42 AM   #58
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Hi OHIL!

As long as you continue to allow it, she will continue to sweep you up into her drama. Even if it is just from one "I love you" text. She is incapable of setting any boundaries, and only has the ability to think of herself right now. That is clearly not a sign of sobriety or being in recovery. You are the only person that can make the decision. I know it is a tough line between the love you have and the part of wanting your "real" daughter back, but the reality is that she is far into the disease. Please take care of yourself! Jenm
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Unread 08-09-2013, 05:13 PM   #59
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Hi, addiction is a selfish disease and practically everything the addict/alcoholic does or says has motive behind it. Cutting ties is one of the hardest tasks when it comes to our child, no matter how old they are. For your sake and sanity, and I think I have mentioned this before, you must let go, completely. If u remember a while back we talked about hitting bottoms, and she has not. And not you or anyone else can "assume" she has hit her bottom, only SHE will know when that is.

You are a marvelous, wonderful person who deserves peace in her life. You have done what you can, now you must take care of self. As long as you continue to have contact with her, your life will never be your own. Who knows, maybe you completely cutting her out of your life will be the "bottom" she needs to turn it around. Desperation does wonders. God bless and I really am so sorry u are going through this. My parents had to let go and let God when I was in active addiction. I have been clean 13 years, I am closer and happier with my family and vice versa than ever. My mom and I are like best friends. Julie
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Unread 08-09-2013, 10:51 PM   #60
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Julie47, Jenm,

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and experiences. And thank you for the kind words... It's really confusing sometimes to know what to do...I don't want to abandon her but you're both right - she is still deep in it even if shes not bingeing or drunk daily. Her thinking is so addled. She may already have suffered brain damage from the many detoxes she's done. I have been involved with 7 since Oct of 2012 and there have been at least 2 or 3 others. I do mourn for the daughter used to have and I fear I'll never have her back in any capacity. Your stories are so inspiring...its truly phenomenal that you came back from the darkness and not only how hard you worked but that you are willing to help people through their darkness too. How did you reconnect with your families? I feel certain that she knows I love her so I have decided that I will have to cease contacting her "until"... I hope and pray she makes it back as you have. I'll update you all along the way.
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Unread 08-10-2013, 11:38 AM   #61
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Hello Ohil- I have been reading your thread and my heart really goes out too you! My brother has been in the middle of active addiction for more than 2 years. My family and I have been up and down the roller coaster of loving someone who suffers with this... it is for most of us the hardest thing we have ever had to do.

I wanted to say, in regards to your comment " another failure on my part"... in my experience in trying to "detach" from my brothers issues, I have learned that it is a process for everyone. We can't just turn off everything we have known our relationship to be. It is a process and we learn along the way what "detaching" or "cutting off" means for us, and how to do it. I feel that your recent interactions with your daughter, however painful is a step so to speak. You learned what does not work, and experienced possibly a new level of emotion that comes with the territory of having an addict in your life. I pray we/I can learn from these kind of situations that happen in our family. I need to have grace for my brother... but also grace for myself and our family as we all try to figure out how to detach, how to respond to each situation... certainly not a perfect science. There are many of us right here with you, feeling and doing similar things. ~ rix
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Unread 08-10-2013, 01:21 PM   #62
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OHIL, She has to hit her bottom. She has to want to get sober for herself. You send her a text & the floodgates open. Let her text you saying she loves you otherwise she is going to draw you deeper into her alcoholism.
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Unread 08-10-2013, 09:46 PM   #63
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Remember dear, Let go and Let God....although I am in recovery for a long time, I still pray my daughters, twins 23 and another 25 all do the right thing. I am blessed as they are all wonderful, but if they were to God forbid end up in a mess with addiction, I would be like you, do all I can do until I could not do anymore. Then it would be time to let go and that would be the hardest thing ever, but it would have to be......a must.

I have to occasionally use tough love on my one twin, as she is a drama queen! Ugh! She gets a hospital bill for 800.00 from the emergency room, (she is no longer on our insurance) and is freaking out, screaming she needs 800.00 now as she shouldn't have to pay it! OMG! I have the money, but I am not giving it to her. Why? Because I must teach her responsibility, something she is just learning about since she moved out on her own. Everything and I do mean everything was paid for her. The other reason I won't give it to her, she must learn to make calls, make payment arrangements or just pay it! And this is one who just took there friggin' vacations in the last year! She just got back from Cancun three weeks ago. My point is, one way or another we tend to enable our kids. I know I did by paying for everything in the world for these girls'. I love them and I didn't mind, but now it is time to get responsible. When she sees mom won't just "give in", she takes charge.

This is what your daughter must learn. It is hard for me to say no to my girls' and usually I don't, unless it is to THER benefit. You cutting ties is to your daughter's benefit. God bless and stay strong. Julie
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Unread 08-11-2013, 12:53 PM   #64
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Rix, thank you for sharing a sibling's point of view and for reminding me I am not alone! My prayers for your brother and your family that he makes the turn to sobriety and that their Higher Power gives them strength to see this through! Thank you, again.
R. Lee, I trust your words because you have been there - thank you. I pray for your continued triumph over the struggle that is alcoholism. You are an inspiration to many - thanks for your work to help others.
Julie47, I wish my daughter could find people like you, R.Lee, and so many others who have made it to sobriety and returned to productive lives, sharing, and helping others. I know it is within her grasp but...you know the rest. Your words as a mother resonate with me. You are right - it's very hard to let go. As a parent I believed it my responsibility to teach my children to be responsible, productive citizens who had integrity and compassion. Like you, I rewarded them well and shared the fruits of my labor freely. I was able to make decisions to hold them accountable when it seemed necessary, now here comes the big "but", there was never any possibility of their deaths through my tough love. I struggle with letting go of my daughter because left to her own devices, she will likely die. If its not the alcohol in the moment, it'll be the situations she puts herself in, or the toll alcohol is taking on her health. I understand I must do it but it feels like torture. I pray for strength and the help of those who have made it through, both family members and the addicted souls who fought back through the darkness. Bless you all!
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Unread 08-11-2013, 01:52 PM   #65
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Hi again: I just want to say I was so bad on cocaine in my addiction, I should have literally died multiple times. It is only through His grace and mercy I am still here. I have been told I have nine lives, I think maybe more. Addiction is addiction, drugs, or alcohol, it destroys...Sweets, listen carefully, as this is not easy to hear, but you will not be able to control nor stop your daughter's demise in her addiction (if God forbid that happens), no matter what you do or say, if she is not ready and willing to stop, her fate is already destined, as our fate as addicts is death, jails or institutions.

But now the good news! There is always hope, and hope is a mainstay, without, we are truly in the darkness. And YOU do not belong in the darkness. No one, and I mean no one ever in a million years thought I would ever be free of my addiction, I had already met all three fates of addiction, jails and institutions. And even death. Yes, I met death when I flat lined from an accident in 1998. I had no heartbeat, no pulse. I was on life support 11 days. If I was to write out my entire history of addiction, you probably would think it was fiction. But it is very, very real.

You have to do what you feel is the right thing my friend, but remember, sometimes when it feels so wrong (such as letting go), it is actually the right thing. We can't tell you what to do, only advise. If you feel the need to speak to your daughter, then you must find the strength when she starts with her insanity, to gently hang up, or not respond to her texts. She knows you love her....trust me, she knows.

I am thinking of you, and have been checking for your posts. Please stay strong and go do something that makes you happy. Make today all about YOU! Peace. Julie
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Unread 08-11-2013, 01:57 PM   #66
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Hi OHIL!

It is hard to realize that it is all on God's timetable, not ours. There was a time not too long ago that I would try to control everything and everyone around me, and I didn't even realize that I was doing it. I had to let go.

My sons are young, but I pray that by being honest with them about the alcoholism that runs rampant in my family and through my own struggles, they will make good decisions. However, I do realize that I may have to be in your position someday. I agree with Julie47, I would do everything I could to help my sons, but there would probably be a point when I would have to let go. Way easier said than done, right?

My boys are not just my children, they are God's children, and He ultimately decides. I thank God for them everyday, even during the trying times, and I realize that He is in control, not me. I am praying for you. I also agree with R Lee, she is going to have to hit the bottom that only she realizes, you cannot get her there any quicker. Please take care and continue to check in! Take care! Jenm
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Unread 08-11-2013, 08:49 PM   #67
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OHIL, Thank you. I have to give back what was so freely given to me.
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Unread 08-20-2013, 12:58 PM   #68
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Hi Ohil: Wanted to check in on you. How are you doing? Please let us know, we all care and are all here for you!!! We miss you! Julie
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Unread 08-20-2013, 10:12 PM   #69
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Julie47,

I'm still here...my daughter left a voice mail for me at work late last week. She said she was checking in with me and gave me an update on everything but progress for herself. She said she was still having seizures and had taken herself to an ER but they only wanted to give her a "banana bag" so she left. I guess she was looking for Ativan or Librium. She said a few other things but nothing of importance to me. I tried to send a text this morning just to acknowledge her but it was returned by her cell provider. I don't know if that means her phone is shut off or what. I admit I didn't try to call her after that. Every time I have a few minutes of quiet, I find myself wondering how she is and thinking about what the future will bring. Will she make it or not? Will it get worse before it gets better? I keep reminding myself of all the things you all have shared with me to ward off the mental torture that comes with my thoughts and try to let it go. I keep busy but those dark thoughts invade and flood my mind at every turn. I put a smile on my face and for a bit forget that my flesh and blood is suffering such a horrible fate and I can do nothing to help her. I pray all the time for strength to do what God wants me to do. It still feels pretty lonely in my head most of the time despite being surrounded by family and friends. I so much appreciate their love and the help of the people who offer support on this board. I will put one foot in front of the other and press on though...for God, for my family, for her, and for me. Thanks again for checking on me - that's really nice. :-)
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Unread 08-21-2013, 07:49 AM   #70
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OHIL, You are doing the right thing by your daughter.
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Unread 08-21-2013, 12:29 PM   #71
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HI OHIL: You are doing all you can, and have been. Like I had posted a while back, only YOU know what feels right, but sometimes what feels "right" is really not doing your daughter any good. There is nothing wrong with checking in on her, as long as you don't allow her insanity to make you go to that dark place. I am praying for your peace and for your daughter's recovery from her dark place. Blessings. Julie
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Unread 08-24-2013, 09:09 AM   #72
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Hello OHIL: I really sympathize with you and your family on this... I can't imagine having the addict in my life be my child and I pray for all of you who have this as your daily reality!

Maybe something useful for you as you continue to process all that has happened, and is happening: I have employed many tactics over the past couple years in trying to deal with the addict in my life... the normal evolution from scrambling to "help" and "save" them weekly... to just trying to become a safe place/person in the event that they seek help... but along the way my focus had not deviated from the addict, it was always a different tactic that seemed like I was detaching but really the focus was always on them, my emotional, and often physical energy was in some way spent on them.

Time went by with me in the same cycle of unending focus on the addict. As I listened to this forum, and learned from my own alcohol struggle I began to put energy into my spiritual and emotional health. It has never been perfect or easy, but I have been in the early stages of taking a very long hard look at this situation in my life. I gain new perspectives by listening to others and I'm realizing that I have to be very intentional about how I view and respond to my addicted loved one each week. What I mean is... with as much pure logic, and healthy perspective as I can muster I actively choose to not engage (which I sometimes question and feel bad about as you can see from my recent posts in my thread)... but I do choose to not engage in the madness. Not to be a jerk, but as part of the intentional plan on my part to be ok, no matter what. I don't know if I fully "believe" that it is helpful to him, although I know he has to choose life apart from me, just as I do apart from him, but it does not matter really- I just know if I continue as I have, I will loose my own wife, job, life... It took me facing the possibility that my brother may die because of his choices... not because of me or my family... because of his choices. Once I was able to come to grips with that possibility (which has been very hard), I was able to start making steps to intentionally let myself live. I have been mourning the loss of the relationship that I just expected we would have, the family I envisioned and letting go of the expectation that my bro will respond, react and behave how I say he should... once I started letting go of even a little bit of that control... I started to feel more free.

So I don't know if any of this makes sense, or if its helpful. But it has been how this has evolved for me... and I feel that in the recent months I am far more healthy, happy and able to live than ever in the past... and to be honest, I feel more alive and healthy now than before I knew my bro was an alcoholic because of this process! I continue to hold on to hope that he will choose recovery, I pray for him often, but I know even if he never chooses recovery, I will be ok.

Thanks for your honest and I know painful reports OHIL... we are hear for each other, I hope you keep on posting.

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Unread 08-29-2013, 09:39 PM   #73
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I heard from my daughter this week. She called from a number I didn't recognize. She sounded fairly clear headed and was checking in to let me know she was alive. She said she'd been beaten up by a brain injured Iraqi war vet she was staying with and had spent a couple of days in the hospital. She says he gave her a concussion by smashing her head into the wall, damaged her eye by trying to gouge it out with his thumb, and damaged her esophagus when he choked her. She said she called an old family friend of her ex who picked her up from the hospital and offered her a place to stay for a while. I'd met him years ago - he's older than her and stable. Don't know how long this will last. She spoke of needing some time to make/accumulate enough money to try to find an apartment and keep looking for work. She said the brain injury guy had put her phone on his plan but turned it off after she called 911 on him. She hasnt spoken to her son in 10 days or so but said when she last did, he sounded good. She knew he started school last week. I listened to her for 45 minutes. I was surprised I didn't feel anxiety overwhelm me during the phone call. I felt calm - almost too calm. I know I shouldn't but I asked her if she was attending any AA meetings - she said no, she hadn't since she moved back to the city. She offered she would look into it when she got settled. I said it sounded like an excuse but since she had all the information she needed to get help, I accepted her decision. She said she was reading the Big Book but agreed she was making excuses not to go. I recalled after we spoke that we found all the other AA books in her old apartment but not a Big Book...maybe she was telling the truth, who knows? I thanked her for letting me know how and where she was and told her I loved her. She gave me a phone number where i could reach her. We said goodbye without any anger and with love. I feel sort of empty and hollow right now...
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Unread 08-29-2013, 09:53 PM   #74
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Rix, forgive me for not responding to your heartfelt post sooner. Thank you for sharing - it was helpful and I think contributed to my being able to talk with my daughter. I have come to realize she is surviving without my help and perhaps she really might find her way back one day. And if she doesn't, I will know it wasn't because I didn't try to help her as I could but rather it was her choice to stay in the insanity of her disease.
How courageous you are to overcome your own struggles with alcohol and still find strength to try to help your brother! I learned from your post that its ok to focus on me and allow myself to enjoy my life. In re-reading my previous post, I still focus on her, don't I? I believe in my AlAnon group I'm better at focusing on my life instead of hers. It's nt there yet, but I can see the balance shifting. I'll get there as my own recovery progresses.
Thanks for taking the time to share so much - you, R.Lee, JenM, Julie47, and all the others have helped me get to the place I am now and I will be forever grateful. I hope to be able to help someone else as I have been so richly and selflessly rewarded here.

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Unread 08-30-2013, 10:23 PM   #75
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RIX, Thank for the great advice you gave OHIL.

OHIL, You are doing the right thing. Stay strong for yourself.
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Unread 08-31-2013, 06:27 PM   #76
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Thanks, R. Lee.
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Unread 09-01-2013, 10:33 PM   #77
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Hello OHIL- Thank you for your kind words... we give what we have been given. I relate to your story in many ways even though the alcoholic in my life is not my child.

This may not be the same for everyone but- I think one of the more difficult things about loving an addict and trying to "let go" for me has been realizing that it is selfish of me to try to hold on to him, to try to fix and save him. In the deepest parts of my heart I try to hold on, help, and scratch and claw my way into his life to bring a positive, loving example, but why? I do want him to get better... but in a lot of ways I just want him to knock it off... behave for goodness sake, your disrupting everyone's life here, including mine. I don't like that.

I have not been willing to simply let go until recently and for me that has meant I don't interact with him, like almost never. I don't initiate contact ever. If he contacts me I basically screen the communications, gather my thoughts, emotions and respond without basing my response on " will this help him?"... I just respond as I would to any other person in my life... with love and respect, but not special treatment.

One other thought that has helped me, in the same way that I can't take credit for his success' I can't take credit for his failures, pain, and choices to stay stuck... I have been doing that for a couple years... only recently have I been able to choose not to do that. He has told "us" his family so many times to leave him alone, quit pressuring him... I have finally decided to simply respect his wishes.

I pray you find peace and serenity in your life OHIL... I pray for the alcoholics in our lives that continue to stay in this lifestyle. Stay in touch... we really do want to know how you are doing.

Best Regards,

rix
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Unread 09-01-2013, 11:26 PM   #78
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RIX, You are doing the right think. Don't let the alcoholic bring you down. Your right you can't fix him. Sometimes we can just pray for them.
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Unread 09-02-2013, 02:20 PM   #79
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Rix, thank you. I am finally getting to the place where I can let go. I love her so dearly but the fact that I cannot help her is now sinking into my soul. I see now how much anxiety and trauma I had and brought to my family by trying to control her and them. All my efforts did nothing to change what she did except extend the drama by making things easier for her. I did it all because I loved her and wanted to protect her - I can honestly say I could have done nothing more within my power. My ex, her father, has his own active alcoholism to deal with but the fact that he was unable/unwilling to help made me feel all the more responsible to fix her. I still love her but I cannot allow her to take me down with her so...I have made sure she knows I love her and I have stepped back. I won't cut her off completely as long as she isn't attacking me but, like you, I now let her contact me instead of trying to connect with her. I understand completely how you feel and your new consideration on interacting with your brother. It seems much healthier than always questioning yourself or trying to stick to the "if I say this, then you'll do that" script that doesn't work. Your idea to simply treat him with respect and love sounds like the best approach.
I, too, pray for you to find and keep your serenity and that the alcoholics in our lives find their way to recovery. Your thoughts have helped me sort through mine and realize what I need, what my daughter needs, and what my family needs. It's not an overnight change; I'll have to learn new behaviors. But today, it seems to be the best way forward. I'll keep you all posted - R.Lee, JenM, Julie47 and you Rix are my virtual family now. I so appreciate ALL the people who have taken time to read and share with me.
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Unread 09-02-2013, 08:24 PM   #80
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OHIL~ I love your first 4 or 5 sentences... that rings so true with me as well. Facing the fact that we can't fix is so humbling, and even offensive in a way. I would literally feel offended and angry at the suggestion that I can't help, that I can't fix it. These realizations have helped me face myself, my insecurity and my desire to control things in and around my life, and even face my own pain and wounds that have accumulated throughout this process. Perhaps the same for many of us with addicted loved ones... we get to learn that we must acknowledge our own wounds and pain that has been inflicted by the addicts decisions. We must respond and adjust how we interact to a constantly changing assault. I am seeing that just when I think I have a plan or process that is working, they change the rules, and change the tactics. It is important to be rooted and grounded in what we believe and the boundaries we have set. That's what I feel like I'm learning in the last week or 2.

You're doing a great job OHIL... and you are helping myself and others learn and understand this whole sorted event called loving an addict. Thank you again for your honesty and transparency, you may not see how much it helps others, but it does.

We are here with you and continuing to pray for those who still suffer in all of this.

Blessings ~ rix
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Unread 09-03-2013, 09:06 PM   #81
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Hi OHIL!

I'm really proud of you and your strength and clarity. You are handling this with grace and dignity. What more can we do? I have been the alcoholic who runs through people's lives and I have also been the sober family member who watches the alcoholic be enabled. It is absolutely insane.

We can only do the very best that we can do, just for today. Some of my moments look way better than others! However, I just try to be a good mom to my boys, a good worker, a good Christian, and trust that God has a plan for everyone's lives - mine included. Take care and it is good to hear from you! Jenm
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Unread 09-03-2013, 10:00 PM   #82
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OHIL, The 2 post above me said it all. Stay strong. It took me 42 years od hard drinking to find out on my own that it was time to quit.
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Unread 09-09-2013, 09:32 PM   #83
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I've spoken to my daughter twice in the past few days...she seemed clear headed and was pleasant both times. She talked about many things: how she's messed so much up, how she feels motivated to get her life in order after talking with her son, how she came to realize how bad things were after getting beaten up pretty badly...I listened and told her it all sounded good but I'm not sure I'm buying it. I listened to some voice mails from last week and she still sounded impaired. The question popped into my mind, how will I know if she's really on the road to recovery? How do I negotiate a relationship with her from where she is now through recovery, if and when she does it? She said she didn't know how to characterize our relationship; I said it felt like we were covering uncharted ground. Just when I think I've figured out how to manage myself, the scenario changes and I'm left floundering again. More reading, more research, more self evaluation.
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Unread 09-10-2013, 02:01 PM   #84
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Ohil,

From my perspective the answer is clear. She broke the trust you had in her, she lost it. It is up to her to regain that trust. That is accomplished through actions, not words, and it takes time. It is on her, not you.

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Unread 09-10-2013, 05:13 PM   #85
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Hello OHIL~

I'm glad your recent interactions with your daughter were positive! I can't speak for anyone but me... but when I was ready for and engaging in "recovery"... I became fully responsible for sobriety. I was determined to get free, and I sought out help... not from my family or friends, but I went directly to the sources of addiction help ( AA, counseling, church... etc..). I think if I had pursued my family to "help" me, it would have just been another form and attempt at manipulation on my part.

I think we begin, over time, to believe that our addicted loved one's are kind of incapable, that they don't know how or what to do, that they don't know where to get help... to that I say bull. We are talking about people who have figured out a way to get their hands on alcohol in the most amazing of situations... people who are master manipulators and masters at hiding the fact that they are drinking right under our noses. They are quite smart, capable and aware of what and where real help is in my opinion.

So I say all of that to say: I knew when I was ready for recovery when I stopped pouring out sob stories to those close to me, stopped the pitty parties and I actively, and with complete determination sought help. I stopped hiding from people, from my past and from life. I did not want to hurt my family, I did not want to involve them or blame them... I just wanted to be free! And by God's grace I started to become just that.

As for your question about how to navigate the relationship: My opinion and my plan with my brothers situation is ~ If they break boundaries, start using manipulation, blaming, pointing the finger and generally living in an unhealthy way that hurts us/family, then cut off communication and interaction. You deserve to be you OHIL... you are a great mom, you should not have to "manage yourself"... because who you are is good. If interacting with her as purely yourself is not working... that is not because of something you are doing wrong... I hope that makes sense.

Stay in touch OHIL... rix
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Unread 09-10-2013, 09:07 PM   #86
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Saint, thanks for your reply. We agree--her recovery is on her. I just am wondering how to conduct myself. Engage with her, talk to her frequently like we used to? Keep my distance both physically and emotionally? I'm not sure what to do...
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Unread 09-10-2013, 09:47 PM   #87
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OHIL, You daughter gave away your trust in her. You are OK!! It is up to her to prove herself by getting help & staying sober. It will take time to gain that trust. It does not come back in the short time she climes she has not drank.

If you are willing to take her calls & she is pleasant & clear headed then treat her in a respectful & encouraging way. Lets hope she is on the road to recovery. If she is pulling the wool over your eyes let her go.

You are entitled to a peaceful life. Accept what she is.
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Unread 09-10-2013, 10:05 PM   #88
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Rix,

Your post was enlightening -- it gave me insight into the path she may take. I am fearful that too much engagement because she will rely on me just like her call 10 minutes ago to ask me to speak to her ex on her behalf to let her talk to her son. I have no business in that discussion and told her so. She was not happy. She texted that no one would answer her call - I didn't respond. Its that kind of manipulation attempt that tells me she is not really in it yet. She has not attained that level of independence you found crucial to moving forward. Your words ring so true about considering her incapable...I have spent nights without sleep wondering if she's suffered brain damage from all the detoxing and drinking cycles. I wonder if she will ever be able to function normally emotionally. But your words remind me she IS capable...she's nearly completed a PhD in behavioral neuroscience, she DID manage to hide her drinking for a very long time, she DID manipulate many people besides me, and she is STILL surviving despite all the terrible things she put herself through. She will either make it through or not, but it will be under her own power.

So, back to what do I do with me? When I said manage me, I was talking about stopping myself from enabling her by doing stuff for her without even thinking about it. I know will slide back into that pattern if I don't keep my guard up. I want so much for her to be normal that I don't trust myself. I'm not sure if acknowledging that makes me self aware or displays my lack of confidence but regardless, thanks for lifting me up with your comments about being a good mom!

Your thoughts are good ones - no crossed boundaries or manipulation. Judging by her second request tonight for me to get involved and fix something for her, I need to draw back again and be less available.

I am so very grateful for my virtual support group! You never fail to answer a call or provide insight. I can never thank you enough...you all give me hope. Something I didn't have before finding this place and Al Anon.
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Unread 09-12-2013, 04:40 PM   #89
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Hey OHIL~

Keep on posting, venting and sharing... I will be praying for you and for her!

Regards,
rix
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Unread 09-12-2013, 09:44 PM   #90
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R. Lee, thank you for the encouragement. I will keep your advice in mind and take one day at a time.
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Unread 09-12-2013, 10:12 PM   #91
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OHIL, She is still up to her old tricks & you are becoming aware of it. pray for your acceptance of her disease so you don't have to lay awake at night thinking of her.
Stay strong you are getting better. Use Al Anon.
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Unread 09-18-2013, 06:37 AM   #92
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Hello OHIL ~

How have things been going for you?
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Unread 09-18-2013, 10:52 PM   #93
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Hi Rix, I'm ok. Thanks for asking. I'm just coping from day to day. Hope things are going well for you. R. Lee was so right - she's still in the same mind frame she was in.
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Unread 09-19-2013, 01:33 AM   #94
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Hey OHIL~

It is so heartbreaking, disappointing and just sad when they continue on their broken paths. So very infuriating to see a glimmer of hope only to find that they have simply tweaked their tactics. Coping from day to day is a good description of how it feels. I continue to pray that you find peace and grace to not just cope but to thrive and grow despite her decisions. It feels like a death of our own self, our identity at times... for me I had to confront that. I had to come to believe, truly believe that I am ok, moving forward despite how I think they are doing or the decisions they are making.

How have things been going in the al anon group? Are you still able to make there occasionally? Are you finding support there?

Things are well with me ~ thanks for asking!

regards,

rix
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Unread 09-20-2013, 08:02 PM   #95
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I do go to Al Anon every week and that helps tremendously. I had a long reply typed out about what happened this week but it dumped on me twice just before sending it so I took that as a sign I should just let it go!
Just when I think I've got a handle on dealing with this, I realize all I talk about is her! I can see I'm getting better overall because I was able to take her calls the last two times and not get spun up when she got angry with me. I was honest but not angry. I treated her with respect but didn't allow her to draw me in. I can see she's struggling, and my heart goes out to her. I was thinking of inviting her to lunch since we last saw each other in June but I know now that would be the wrong thing to do for now. She has much further to go before we can do that.
I'm so glad to hear you're doing well! Keep looking and moving forward.
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Unread 09-20-2013, 10:00 PM   #96
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OHIL, There is a time limit & then it will not post. I don't know how much time we get.

The important things we were able to read.
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Unread 09-22-2013, 06:48 AM   #97
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Hi OHIL, R. Lee is correct, there's a time limitation. What I do when I know a post is not going to be quick (especially if looking up different links for people), I either type it in Microsoft Word and then copy and paste into the reply box or if I'm typing in the reply box, I select and "copy" - that way if it does time out, I haven't lost everything. It has saved much aggravation.

Just remember, sometimes just writing out the things that are bothering us can be such a catharsis - especially here because it's anonymous and non-judgemental.

That's great - the big strides you're making with your responses to her. I just hope that she wants and gets help very soon.

Nancy
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Unread 09-22-2013, 02:26 PM   #98
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OHIL, I can relate to everything you are going thru...as a mother,our hearts break and it makes your heart flutter even when the phone rings,thinking 'is it her,is she hurt'. Here I have found a place to talk with others that have been actually thru both sides,and the insight of both.Before I found Addiction Survivors,I would type out something on my computer,then delete,just to get it out,so stumbling upon here was God leading me to these wonderful people,who all share their love and hope and knowledge.
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Unread 09-23-2013, 10:09 PM   #99
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Cricket5,
I follow your posts and have felt heartsick for you as I read each one. Yes, this forum and my Al Anon group have literally saved me. Stay strong. Detachment will help you maintain your stability while still being able to love your daughter. I have recently realized I must remain physically and emotionally distant from my daughter in order to hold on to my peace of mind. I talk to her just enough to know she's safe and get a sense of where her head is. She seems to be sober for the last couple of weeks but her thinking is still SO distorted and she's still manipulative. Instead of setting a plan in motion to start rebuilding her life she thinks it's all supposed to happen magically because she's "doing the right thing". She's not going to any meetings or seeing any counselors. She's focused on using whatever dirt she can dig up on her ex to force him to let her talk to and see her son who lives in another state.
Despite her situation, Al Anon and the incredible people on this forum give me the gift of HOPE. Hang in there but keep your resolve.
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Unread 09-26-2013, 04:58 PM   #100
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It's been an exciting couple of days, I had an emergency appendectomy yesterday! I am home from hospital today. The family didn't want to tell my alcoholic daughter for fear she would show up at the hospital and cause drama. There was a missed call and voicemail from her on my phone last night. I spoke with her this morning to let her know that I was not only ok but would be going home before noon. Her voicemail to me said she just wanted to ask what has been going on in the family because she feels left out. I'm not sure if I will talk to her again or not. One part of me feels she needs to miss us to realize what she's lost. Another part thinks she should be allowed to know that life goes on if she makes poor choices, that she's not the center of attention anymore. I told her I would probably be sleeping for most of the day because the pain pills knock me out. She said she understood but asked if I would call when I was up to it. We left it at that. She sounded sober and clear but her thinking was a bit off.
Now what to do?
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