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Unread 04-10-2015, 07:44 PM   #1
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Default Husband drinking after almost 30 yrs sober

My husband and I have been married for almost 27 yrs. He had been sober for 5 before we met and did not have a lick of alcohol until October 2013, when out of the blue he decided life was just too complicated, there was too much going on and well, forget God and the fact he's born again, apparently his faith ain't deep enough so the obvious course of action was to drink again, behind my back, for months and months at a time until one day I smelled something funny when he kissed me and did not know how to approach the subject because I just knew that the last thing he would EVER do would be to drink again. I finally confronted him after that one afternoon, but not about alcohol. He had changed a lot, making strange night time outings and acting peculiarly different around me, not to mention he was basically not sleeping with me, so I figured he was having an affair. When I confronted him I asked him if he was and he seemed hesitant to answer me then said, no, I am not but there is something you should know, I have been drinking. Needless to say I was shocked. Had he simply said yes, I am having an affair, I would have believed him more. But coming from him, a person who had not had a single drop of alcohol in more than 28 years! is definitely something I still can not understand. He has blamed it on me (that I question his fidelity) he has blamed it on our daughters (that they are now grown and gone and there's nothing he can do about that) he has blamed it on our business (that he's just too busy and can't take it anymore) you name it and he'll blame it on that. I don't know the man he has become. He is definitely not the same person I once knew. Hiding alcohol in the car, in the bathroom, chugging beer while driving home!! Drinking at night just before taking his meds! I mean, he absolutely does not care at all about what he is doing.The level of defiance that he is displaying is absolutely outside of the character of the person I married! And he doesn't seem to care??!! Because, of course, he is in control. He doesn't get drunk or act stupid, nor does he lose his temper like some other people that drink do. He just is not the same. I have no desire to be around the person he is when he has had a couple of beers. No, I don't understand alcoholics. I don't understand or accept the term alcoholism. I don't see it as a disease but as a choice. Sorry if anyone here is offended by my train of thinking but, I am not one and I can't understand how somebody can just give in so easily to an addiction. When it is so obvious is a matter of choice. You either choose to drink or you don't.

Thanks for reading. Please. Enlighten me
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Unread 04-10-2015, 09:15 PM   #2
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Hi uthnkuknosom1, welcome. No one can can really explain why your husband decided to start drinking again after keeping his addiction in remission for so long - except for him. And he is the only one who can make the decision to get better again.

While I understand that you don't think alcohol dependence is a disease, that is what the AMA designated it as in the 1950s. If you would like to learn more, there's an education section here at Alcohol Answers:
First link in the FAQ explains the disease designation quite well.

There's also a section for loved ones that might be helpful:

I see both DianeC and gmasusie in the other forum recommended Alanon. The link for that is here:
It might be helpful for you to get some support and feedback from others who are going through or have gone through the same thing.

Have you thought about writing him a letter explaining how you feel? You can leave it with him so he can read when he's alone and have time to think about what you're saying. For some that works better than talking because you can write how his drinking is effecting not only him but you and your family. You could talk about offering to support him and help him find help, or you could make boundaries for him to agree upon and have consequences. Do you think couples counseling would help?

Most important, is you need to take care of yourself because the decision to get help is ultimately up to him.

Important disclaimer: Any information in this post is not and does not constitute medical advice under any circumstances. Addiction Survivors, Inc. does not warranty or guarantee the accurateness, completeness, adequacy or currency of the information contained in or linked to the Site. Your use of information on the Site or materials linked to the Site is entirely at your own risk. NEVER take any online advice over that of a qualified healthcare provider. Any information contained on should only serve to inspire further investigation with credible, verifiable references sources such as your physician or therapist.
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Unread 04-10-2015, 10:42 PM   #3
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Thanks Nancy. Actually, I have both spoken to him and written. I sent him an email today which he already read and had not much to say. He tends to turn everything into a joke (even when he wasn't drinking, is just how he is) or he will try to turn the tables on me. I guess is just easier for him that way. He just doesn't seem to care. He doesn't think he is doing anything wrong. I have tried setting boundaries and he has no desire to compromise. He just wants to do what he wants to do regardless. Like I said. It is a HUGE and unexpected change. The only thing he says is he doesn't want to lose me so divorce is not an option. I think all he wants is my approval. To be able to come home, have a couple of beers and go to bed. Problem is that a couple of beers turned into a bottle of moonshine he purchased and was hiding in the bathroom! of all places! I had NO CLUE! Anyway. I just have to suck it up I guess.
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Unread 04-11-2015, 10:54 AM   #4
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No you Don't have to suck it up. You don't have to live like this. That is your choice. If you set boundaries and your husband disregards them you need to back them up.

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Unread 04-11-2015, 01:39 PM   #5
Sam Bailey
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Hello Uthnkunosom1,

Saint is 100% right! You DO have choices!

Moreover, you say that your husband "doesn't want to lose me." Truth is, he is already losing you. It may not be that obvious...yet. But it will be. Probably sooner than later.

See, the more your resentment builds towards him & his alcoholic behavior, the more distant you will become from him---and the larger the gulf will be in your marriage. Yep, it is damn heartbreaking!

You are right, of course. How to understand why he drank again after all these years? Oh, there is a reason, probably many of them. Unresolved anger, fear, his own laundry list of resentments. Could be any of those, could be something else. Mostly though, your husband is an alcoholic, untreated and not in recovery. (IMO)

And it totally sucks, for you and for him.

What to do? Tough question. It is a fact that he will not stop drinking, or regain his balance-in-life until HE wants it. For your sake, and his, I hope that's soon. Otherwise the time will come, as, in the end, it comes for every alcoholic, that his life will fall to pieces. Are there exceptions? Yeah, sure. Not many though.

But YOU, friend--YOU have options. First, DO go to some Al-Anon Meetings. Those Meetings are for the family members (loved ones) of the alcoholic/addict. In those Meetings, you will be surrounded by people just like you, by folks who know exactly what you're going through---many of whom going through it now, same as you.

You do have options. Please take them. Reach out to those Support Groups and people will support you.

Also, please continue posting here. At the least, being able to unload one's anger, frustration, discontent, et al in a SAFE place is a good, proactive thing.


sam b
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Unread 04-11-2015, 05:45 PM   #6
R. Lee
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Welcome to the site. I am a recovering alcoholic who when drinking did many of the things you husband does. We are manipulate everyone to get our own way so his behavior does not surprise me.

There are support groups for families of alcoholics like Al Anon. You do not have to do this alone.

As others have said you do not have to accept this behavior. You do have options.

Keep posting & stay strong. You are not the problem. His behavior will continue until he wants to stop for himself.
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Unread 05-20-2015, 08:08 PM   #7
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You must be so disappointed. I am so sorry he has let you down. Of course he is blaming you. That is what drunks do. They blame you, your daughters, the weather, the stress of life, the lack of vacations, not enough money, too much money, house isn't clean enough, you didn't give him enough attention, you gave him too much attention, blah blah blah blah blah. It's all bunch of garbage. Oh he will make it seem very real and very credible during a "discussion"... but he is no longer sober. He is now a manipulative drunk. So he will find a thread of truth to whatever he is saying and try to make you believe it.

TRUST YOURSELF.. Please please please. TRUST yourself. You know he is different. You know he is letting you down. You know you have choices. And you will know what is right for you. Just please trust yourself.

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Unread 07-03-2015, 12:47 AM   #8
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Why don't you encourage your husband to join in an addiction treatment center for a better recovery? He can get better treatment and help with advanced tools and resources according to your concern and nature of addiction. Try to convince him and join in a rehab center ASAP. All the best.
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