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Unread 11-19-2007, 06:37 AM   #1
ami29
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Default I need help.

I am new to the group and hope I have come to the right place.

I am so unsure of myself and my situation that I don't even know where to begin. If this entry seems chaotic and unorganized, please don't hold it against me!

This is my situation: My husband of 7 years LOVES his beer. So much so that I truly think he would rather sleep next to that at night than he would me. He drinks pretty much daily, usually Thurs thru Monday. He takes Tues and Wed "off" cuz he is out of beer by that time and he feels that by not drinking those two days he is not an alcoholic. (Maybe he isn't). Tonight he is passed out on the couch for the 4th night in a row, beer can in hand. He can be verbally mean and at rare times physically intimidating when he is drinking. He will drink and drive without thinking twice. He cracks open a beer the moment he walks into the house and drinks until he goes to bed or passes out, whichever comes first. He doesn't go to bars often. He claims he is stressed out because of some financial situations of ours, but this has been going on for over 3 years. (Financial issues have only been going on for about 6 mos). On his days off from drinking he is so crabby and irritable that you can't stand to be around him. BUT...when he is drinking, he is impossible to deal with also. It has gotten to the point that if I even hear a can of beer open I cringe. I have started counseling and have begged him to go, but he refuses. I have laid ultimatums, threatened, begged, pleaded and cried that he slow down.

I do not know what to do. Is he an alcoholic? Am I a naggy wife? I am so scared and so lonely and feel like such a failure. We have 6 year old twin girls and he has not shown much interest in them lately either. In fact, I am often scared to leave him alone with them because I don't trust him not to drink. I am so afraid that someday he is going to drive with them and end up getting in an accident. These people are my life, my heart. And everyday he drinks, I feel like I am dying a little more. In August I was ready to leave, and felt comfortable with that decision. When I told my sister about it, she told me that if I do leave him she will not support me at all. My father basically said the same thing. My sister also told me that if I were to leave him that he would kill himself, either by drinking or his own hand. My brother in law told me that if I leave him, I will be on my own because my husband will run and never pay a dime to help me support our children. And when I try to talk to my husband, he says he doesn't have a problem and that I need to quit "bit--ing".

I don't want to give up on him. I love him so much and I want to stand by him. But I do not want my girls to grow up thinking it's ok for adults to act like he does either.

Maybe he's not an alcoholic and I am overreacting. Can anyone please give me advice?

Thank you so much for taking the time to read this very long and rambling post.
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Unread 11-19-2007, 02:44 PM   #2
SLynn
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Ami29

Not only am I sad for your situation with your husband, but the fact that your family won't support you is a double blow! Do they not see or understand what you are dealing with? You can't be an emotional hostage to eveyone elses beliefs and desires when it's makig you unhappy. And unsafe. It's not like you are running away to join the circus on a whim, you are trying to remove yourself and your children from an unhealthy situation. I'm just amazed at this.

Ami, you can only do what is right in your heart. You know it's your main job to protect those children at all costs. You shoud also look into some groups to talk with (Al-Anon or AA) or therapy of some sort. For you and the children. No matter how much you shelter them, they will be aware that something isn't right.

He will blame you for his misery if you are there or have left. That's how they work...place blame on others to justify their own behavior. When was the last time you would call your marriage healthy?

SLynn


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Unread 11-19-2007, 10:50 PM   #3
ami29
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Oh, you have no idea what a relief it is to hear someone identify with my situation...Phew! I seriously thought I was going a little nutty here.

Honestly, I would have to say that the last time I called my marriage "healthy" was in 2001, the years the twins were born. He was so great and so supportive during the whole pregnancy, their early arrival and the subsequent hospital stay. But, once they were doing well, things started going downhill. I don't know if I put too much time and energy into keeping them healthy or if I neglected him in some way, but something changed. Somehow, I feel as though I am the the failure here and I have caused this. And my nature is to want to "fix things". But no matter how hard I try, it isn't helping.

I confronted him today and told him that last night was his 4th night passing out in a row. He said he was just very tired and fell asleep. Ummm...how many people (sober) fall asleep with their coat and boots on and are holding a beer can in their hand?

Again, I am so scared and feel so incredibly alone. And guilty. Very, very guilty, because somehow I have driven my husband to drink and am not providing a happy, cozy family for my girls.

Thank you so much for responding. I will gladly take any and all advice I can get!

Amy
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Unread 11-20-2007, 01:03 AM   #4
CASEY
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ami29,

Hi ,

I was so saddened reading your story. YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR SOMEONE ELSE'S ABUSE OF ANY SUSTANCE!! Please keep repeating that to yourself.
It is bad enough that your husband is holding you hostage(that is what I call it I don't call it enabling). You become his victim and he blame's you for everything, well if you were not there he would find someone or something to blame.
They alway's have to blame someone else, because it scare's the H#$ll out of them to look in the mirror and see exactly what they have become.
Your second and to me personally is your family's reaction. How would they feel if he hurt you or your children , Would that be your fault too??
Believe me I know every Family has their problem's , but how your husband treat's you is exactly how you family does,has it alway's been that way??
You have to remember to take care of YOU & YOUR DAUGHTER'S!!!
The one thing that really piss's me off is when a man say's he is drinking because his wife is a B%$#th or a Nag, those word's really get under my skin and make me mad.
You have to save yourself and your children, and you in NO WAY have driven your husband to drink.
Please take care, and alway's come here. We are all stranger's so we don't judge,we just give you are view and you can do with it what you want.
I am sorry if I sound a bit harsh about your family, but I wonder have they alway's treated you like this?? Think about it, and if they won't help you find someone who will, there are so many place's for you to go to for help,and your brother-in-law saying he will leave you and you will have no help with money sound's like a bully to me, I have one in the family who sound's exactly like that and my sister only mouth's off whatever she know's he will approve of.
Best of Luck!
Casey
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Unread 11-20-2007, 03:04 AM   #5
ami29
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You know, it's a relief to see that it's not my fault in writing. I know that in my head, but my heart...oh, that's a whole different story.

As for my family, I will give you a brief background. My mom and I were extremely close...she was my best friend. She passed away from breast cancer 4 years ago. My dad shut me out, said I remind him too much of her. He has since moved on and is engaged, but still doesn't have a lot to do with me unless he wants to see the twins or wants to tell me how disappointed he is in me about some new crime I have committed. I have honestly tried to block him out of my life...the only contact I really have with him anymore is to arrange visiting times for him and the twins. As for my sis, she is my only sibling. Believe it or not, we are very close and do a lot together. That's part of the problem with this whole situation. Her husband and mine are cousins. All our family vacations are taken together, we celebrate the holidays together, etc... I think some of her "disapproval" is stemming from her fear of me wrecking our little group. But, she has always been controlling of me....if she doesn't like what I am doing or a decision I make, she certainly lets me know. I love her to pieces and would do ANYTHING for her...it breaks my heart that she wouldn't do the same for me. She is basically the only family I have left and kind of a "surrogate" mom to my girls. She does my daycare and helps me out with them when I am working. They adore her and it would BREAK THEIR HEARTS if she were to disown us because of this.

So many factors, so many emotions. I do know that if children weren't involved, I would be long gone. I would have left him years ago. I worry that someday he is going to kill himself driving drunk, or finally act on his threats he makes against me. You know, when he is sober, he is so great. But his sober days are fewer and farer between. In fact, like I mentioned earlier, even on his sober days he is intolerable due to what I think are withdrawals.

I don't really know what to do anymore. I guess I really tend to ramble! Sorry!!
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Unread 11-20-2007, 02:23 PM   #6
ami29
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Hi.

On the advice of my counselor, I gave my husband an ultimatum last night. I told him that he has until January 31st to "get it together"...to get help for his drinking. I told him if he doesn't, the twins and I will have to leave. Now, I was expecting him to get mad, or sarcastic...but I truly did not expect the reaction I got. He LAUGHED at me...

So, I'm thinking he's not taking me seriously. My counselor said that I have to follow through if he doesn't do anything. I chose the end of January so that we make it through the holidays as a "family."

I know I have said this before, but I am sooooo SCARED. If I leave him, I am completely on my own and I don't know if I am a strong enough person to raise these beautiful girls on my own. My sister has asked if I have someone "on the side", which is absolutely crazy. I can't handle the man I have now, why would I want TWO?

So...any thoughts on his reaction? Any advice or guidance?

Thanks so much!
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Unread 11-20-2007, 02:52 PM   #7
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Hi Ami!
I am really new to all of this but I can't help but to feel overwhelmed by your situation. It almost seems that we are married to the same man. Our only differences are that I have been with my husband for 13 years, we have four children and he does not take a day off from drinking. Your story really has impacted me to write. I wish I could give you some helpful advice, but I believe I only feed my husbands addictions. I will pray for you and your family. This is truly is the hardest road I have ever been down. I have never turned to anyone or really talked to anyone about this. Up until now I have just dealt with this or atleast that is what I call it. The scariest thing for me to accept is that If I don't try and change things one of our children if not all will have the same problem. I am truly sorry for your sadness, and I am sorry to ramble on but my emotions are in an uproar, our stories sound so similar.
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Unread 11-20-2007, 03:55 PM   #8
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Amy

Wow! So you gave him the ultimatum...and he laughed...OUCH! You know that is probably typical, though. He wants you to think that you don't phase him or that he doesn't care or you won't follow through. I guess it's been my experience that the inital reaction isn't the one to go by as much as the one that comes in the days after. He'll have time to think about it, digest the impact it will have and then the games begin. I'm sure his mindset is to teach YOU a lesson because he doesn't have a problem, right? He'll show you.

I have a couple questions, though, that you may have to dig deep to find the answers to.

*Is he helping you with the children enough that he will be missed from the house?

*Is he really your partner or are you already 'going it alone'?

Sometimes I find that people hold on to a household that doesn't exist already. Know what I mean?

Amy, you are a stong woman with two beautiful girls to care for. That is priority one. Do what you have to do and we will all be here to support you no matter the outcome. You have shown your guns now you need to stick to them, your therapist is right. Use this site to vent your emotions. I think that will be helpful to you.

SLynn
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Unread 11-20-2007, 03:59 PM   #9
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Chris30

Welcome to the site. I'm glad you've found us and hope that talking with people in the same situation will be beneficial. I'm sorry to hear you have been suffering. Stick around and maybe we can help?

SLynn
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Unread 11-20-2007, 06:18 PM   #10
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Ami,

The very first thing you need to know is that none of this is your fault. No matter what your families say, no matter how your husband acts this is all on him.

Now that you have given him an ultimatum you have to be ready to follow through with it. He probably laughed because he doesn't think you are serious. Do whatever it takes to get your girls away from that kind of alcoholism. It isn't healthy for them to grow up watching that and knowing that daddy loves his beer more than he loves me. By sticking with your ultimatum and leaving him your girls will be able to look back and see that you were strong and looking after their best interest.

It also sounds like you need to sit down and have a heart-to-heart with your sister and brother-in-law. You need to explain to them that the situation is not acceptable anymore and that you are going to leave him with or without their help. Once they see that you are serious and that you won't back down then they may come around and help you. Your sister's support is important, but your brother-in-law's is probably more important in your husband's eyes. When you talk to them don't leave anything out. Include all of his threats, the verbal abuse, how much he is drinking every night and your fear of him drinking and driving with the girls. Your brother-in-law is hearing one story from your husband and a different one from his wife. You need to make sure that they both hear your side all the way through. If they don't come around after that then you need to make sure you have yourself and your girls protected legally. Find a local legal aid to give you advice on how to leave your husband without being at risk of him keeping the girls.

That may never happen, but if his family is siding with him then you need to have someone side with you.

Keep us updated!

VL
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Unread 11-21-2007, 02:13 AM   #11
ami29
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Thank you all for your responses...you have no idea how much your kind words mean to me.

As of tonight, things are the same. I honestly am feeling really hopeless tonight. I feel as if I will never be enough and always be second best to his "lover"--the almighty beer. This morning when I looked in the mirror I realized that I am as angry with myself as I am him...maybe even more. 10 years ago I was a very bubbly, happy and self confident young lady. Today I am 29 years old and can hardly look at myself in the mirror. I am at loss for how else to describe this, but I can say one thing for sure: I HATE ALCOHOL!!!!

Thanks again for the support.
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Unread 11-21-2007, 02:21 AM   #12
SLynn
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Ami

I'm sorry you are having a bad night. Hurt and anger are almost one in the same and you have plenty to be both about. Do you feel like your therapist is helpful?

Tomorrow is another day and I have hopes it will be better for you. Keep talking with us, Ok?

SLynn

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Unread 11-21-2007, 03:16 AM   #13
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Hello...Just an idea...what if you went away for a weekend, or maybe not a whole weekend, maybe just "get away" for an hour and did something nice for yourself...I like to get manicures or peddicures because i find them relaxing...Sometimes i go running, or do yoga or take a bath or i sit in the shower and let the water run down my back. But what's nice about these times for me is that i don't think about all of the bad things going on and i can just focus on relaxing and getting out anxiety and worry. While, no one should escape from problems, i don't think that constantly dwelling on it is all that healthy either and finding activities like that may not solve someone else's drinking problem, but can help you to at least feel a little bit better about your self. just a thought. I hope tomorrow is a better day for you.
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Unread 11-21-2007, 04:13 AM   #14
ami29
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Hello.

First, I have to say this site is amazing...you guys are amazing.

Stacy, in answer to your question, yes I do feel my counselor is helpful. I ended up going to her because I woke up one day in October and just could not handle it all by myself anymore. I truly think that by me continuing to see her I will eventually be strong enough emotionally to move on. I really like her and open up to her. On my first visit I saw a box of tissues sitting on the table and I told her "I won't need those". Ummm....I was on my 5th tissue 10 minutes into the session. However, I do get a lot of "guff" from my sister and husband for going to the sessions. They both ask me everytime what I talk about. I give them vague answers, but eventually I think they will get more persistant.

Sarah- Great ideas. I have been trying to get away for a few hours every month by myself. I need a new winter coat since I don't have one ( due to my poor laundry skills) and have been shopping for one. You're right, the time alone is great and does help. But I find that when that time is ending, I get this sense of dread. I only take my alone time when the girls are in school because I really do not trust him alone with the twins.

I did try to tell him that I want to go away for a weekend and he has said if I do, the twins stay here. He seems to think if I go for 2 days, I am going to be gone forever. He knows I love those girls more than anything in this world and I think he will use that as a way to keep me here taking care of him.

You know, I feel so guilty for talking about him like this. He really is a wonderful man...WHEN he's sober.

Thanks all for the advice and encouragement.
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Unread 11-21-2007, 11:53 AM   #15
VirginiaL
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Ami,

When I was in college I dated a guy who was an alcoholic. We lived together and it didn't take me long to reach the end of my rope. I kept thinking, but he is such a wonderful guy. He's funny and sensitive and smart and creative and he makes me feel like a goddess. I knew in my heart that one day the stories he wrote were going to make him famous. He is going to be an award winning author. But then one morning I woke up and realized that I didn't want to be Hemingway's wife. Can you imagine all of the years she put up with his drunken behavior because she knew what a wonderful man he was and how much she loved him? So I ended the relationship. I still think about him and wonder if he still writes those amazing stories and if he is loving another woman. But more than anything I hope he has gotten sober. I know that my leaving him made him an even better man if he learned anything from it and if it helped him to eventually get sober.

That is what I keep telling myself about my sister. I have to stay strong and stick to my conviction because in the end I know it will make her better. And if it doesn't I know that I have tried absolutely everything I could to help her.

It's amazing that you have been so strong for this long. I think that you have more strength inside yourself than you give credit for. You will make it through this! You are not alone.

Virginia
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Unread 11-21-2007, 02:18 PM   #16
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Oh my, Ami, you are so young and a world of opportunities at your fingertips. Everyone has given you wonderful advice, and the one thing that I would add, since you have given the ultimatum (which you MUST follow through with)you need to make arrangements to help with the transition. I have thought about this a lot and well, probably one of the reasons why I have never gone through with it is because things seem to get better for a while and then it all falls apart in one night...all the hard work ruined by one night of drinking. Anyway, I feel for your situation and feel like you need to reach out to everyone and I mean EVERYONE. Do you have any friends aside from family that could help you with lodging for a week or a couple of days? Start lining things up girl, cause' trust me it will NOT get better in just a couple of weeks. You are strong and will do the right thing for you and the children, I know you will. Please don't forget to trust your insticts (your inner voice) and know that you will succeed.

Good luck and keep us posted.
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Unread 11-22-2007, 02:24 AM   #17
ami29
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Hello everyone.

Well, I wish I could say that things are 100% better, but I can't. I was kind of looking forward to the holiday,thinking it would be an alcohol free day, but he just left for the liquor store to buy some to "get through" turkey day. He actually asked me if I would mind (a first), and when I said YES, I MIND, he sulked and pouted, and then finally said "I'm going to get beer" and left. So, hopefully tomorrow will go ok and he won't get too beligerant, because I know that he will start around 11 and go until he passes out.

Hope you all have a great Thanksgiving. One thing I am thankful for is this group. Thank you all for the encouragement. I just hope that I can grow strong.

Amy
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Unread 11-22-2007, 02:42 AM   #18
CASEY
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Hi Ami,

I am so glad to hear you told him he had until January, the reason he laughed is usually a nervous reaction,or if you have said it before , he doesn't believe you, well he will be in for a big surprise.
You have to realize you are only 29yrs.old, you have your whole life ahead of you.
Not to go on about my family , but I am not close to either of my older sibling's for many different reason's, but I learned from my Therapist that they are "TOXIC" to me and I alway's leave either mad or hurt so as hard as it was I decided to take care of me , they know were I live and they own a phone, but I just won't put my family through there TOXIC behavior anymore , It was hard at first but now it is great because I don't have to dread going to my parent's . I just find out when they are coming and I either go before they get there or arrive when I know they are leaving. I am healthier and happier and that is what matter's.
That is why I ask about your sister, why doesn't she say how can I help you not "DO YOU HAVE SOMEONE ON THE SIDE" I cannot even comprehend even answering that without asking her , were is her loyalty to you or your addictive husband who treat's you and your children horribly!
I am sorry to hear about your mom, I am a survivor of Cancer . But I can't imagine my Dad cutting me out of his life, I am so close to both my parent's.That in the long run is your father's loss, start believing YOU MATTER!!!
I wish you the best!
Casey
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Unread 11-22-2007, 04:38 AM   #19
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Dear Ami, I've been following your story and all the great responses from everyone.

I'm very sorry for all your trouble. I would just like to say that you are not being a "nagging wife", you are a loving mother who is worried about her children growing up in a home with a dad that drinks too much and sets a bad example for his daughters and you sound like you still love this man that is killing himself and your marriage at the same time. I urge you to stay strong and have some faith in yourself, to do what you need to do and to believe in the decisions that you make. Don't second guess yourself - I believe that when you act out of love you aren't wrong - you are on the right track here. And, I'll bet that soon - the next time you see your 29 year old face in the mirror you'll see a strong and beautiful woman. Keep coming here - you'll find friends and support and it sounds like you need both. (Shame on your sister for not being these things to you!) So,I just wanted to say hello and to let you know that we all care about you and what you are going through. Dixie
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Unread 11-22-2007, 11:45 PM   #20
ami29
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Happy Thanksgiving everyone!!

Today we didn't do much...we went to my sister's house and played a few board games and ate some appetizers. I honestly thought I would feel like an outsider, but FINALLY my sister and brother-in-law saw some of my husbands true colors. We were all planning on taking our kids to a holiday parade on Saturday. It's a GREAT parade and the kids will love it. It's one of those things that they will remember when they are grown and have children of their own. However, my husband informed all of us today that he isn't going. He refuses to go, says it's too long of a drive, but my sister said "You just don't want to miss out on your beer" and he said "SO??". They are both upset with him, but I can honestly say that it didn't surprise me. This is happening more and more frequently. Today I kept thinking that this could very well be the last Thanksgiving we spend together and I feel horrible about that. I tried so hard to be extra sweet and extra forgiving, but he just continues to blow me off. Right now he is saying that I am "addicted" to the computer. No matter what he does, it always falls back on something I do or have done to cause it.

I know I say this a lot, but I am so thankful for each of you. It helps so much to come here and vent and to hear the encouraging and kind words from you all. I truly think you are all angels and I am so glad I found you.

Hope you all had a great day.
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Unread 11-23-2007, 12:24 AM   #21
Leenie
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Hi Ami,

I know exactly how you feel. My husband is exactly the same way. I did not take my chance to leave because of the children, I have 3. Now I am stuck in a situation of my own making.

I did however, wake up one morning and thought "I need a Break". So I packed up some of my things wrote him a note saying I needed to decompress, that I was not going to work and did not know when I would return. For the next week I did go to work but did not call him. He left a message on my cell phone which I did not return.

I did however call my kids and told them what I did but would not tell them where I was but that I was okay. The one I expected to support me was my daughter, but she freaked out. She did not think I would do anything for myself and thought that her dad hurt me. I assured her I was doing fine. She was better after she saw me and knew he did not touch me.

2 years ago he got so drunk he actually started to hallucinate. He thought she was attacking him and had his hands around her throat and when I got between them he hit me. The cops realized that the booze mixed with all the medications he is on caused this outburst. No they did not take him to jail but got him the kind of help he needed. He is on new medication which is actually helping. He has been drinking ocassionally and the home life is somewhat better.

My advice is to get out as soon as you can because those girls are your 1st PRIORITY. Get out while they are still young enough to enjoy being a kid.

Sorry for getting on my soapbox. I too am very glad for this site.

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Unread 11-23-2007, 12:51 AM   #22
ami29
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Leenie....don't apologize!! Your story helps me feel more normal. For the longest time I told myself that my husband isn't an alcoholic, that he's had a hard life and I should be more understanding, that he works hard and deserves a "break". But you know what? My life isn't 100% peachy, I work hard too and I am NOT an alcoholic. Sooo...this is my theory of the day: his addiction is NOT normal and there is NOT an excuse for it. (Check with me tomorrow, I will probably be feeling guilty again ) I really want out, I have come to that conclusion. Even if he is to get treatment, well...I don't know if that will be enough. So much has happened, so many horrible words, so many disappointments. Am I a horrible person for wanting out even IF he gets help? (a big IF at this point.) I am so scared that I will hurt him and I truly do not want to hurt him. I don't want to see him in pain or my girls in pain. But, as was mentioned earlier in this forum, I AM only 29...I am still young enough to start a new life. And my girls are young enough to recover,although it will be hard. I started looking for places to rent yesterday. VERY SCARY!!!

Leenie--I have thought about leaving for a week by myself also, but truth is, I DO NOT TRUST HIM with the twins. So right now, I am trying to figure out a weekend or week that I can take the twins and go away for awhile, just us. If nothing else, this will MAYBE open his eyes to what he stands to lose. The twins will also see that Mommy and them can be just fine without Daddy around.

OK, feeling pretty mean now. Better quit while I am ahead.
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Unread 11-23-2007, 02:32 AM   #23
supershonna
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I have been reading through the posts and can truly understand what everbody is writing.

Ami - You really need to make a decision and stick with it. My husband was a drinker (he's been sober for almost 2 years). I felt it was my fault, then I blamed his ex-wife, etc. This is ME blaming other people. He'd do it as well but I thought if everybody would leave him alone and give him space, then he would stop drinking. That was such a far fetched solution but the mind plays games when you get as low as I was. I gave my husband an ultimatum. I didn't give him a date of when I was leaving - I'm not sure why - but I didn't. I think he sensed the end was near as one night, he asked to go to detox. He had blacked out that night and didn't like that that was happening more frequently. He also started telling stories that were also far fetched but they made me sick to my stomach as they could be true. They weren't, thank God. It was a struggle even after his outpatient rehab and now his 3-4 nights of AA meetings but I wouldn't trade it for anything. I had figured out a plan - he has two kids and I was going to drop them off at his ex's and I would find an apt. You really need to make those plans so your kids have a stable place to go. Remember, you are #1 and you can't help anybody else if you don't take care of yourself. You can be strong - remember yourself when you had your girls a few years ago. Be that person and know that you DESERVE to have a better life.
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Unread 11-23-2007, 02:38 AM   #24
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I'm not sure why I gave a date with my ultimatum. My counselor gave me the idea and suggested I put a date on it. I think she figured if I did it this way, I won't back out. And I DO know that I can NOT back out of this one. If he refuses help or to even TRY changing, I have to leave. My girls are my HEART and they are my #1 priority.

I am really struggling with my conflicting emotions though...I feel relief at being resolute in my decision, I feel anger at myself and him, I feel very, very SCARED (#1 emotion right now), I feel sad at the situation, I feel guilty for failing...is this normal?? Or am I going off the deep-end?

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Unread 11-23-2007, 02:41 AM   #25
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By the way...everytime I hear him open a beer can I cringe!! I don't think I will ever be able to hear an aluminum can open again!! (Ok, now I REALLY sound crazy)
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Unread 11-23-2007, 02:48 AM   #26
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You are not crazy. I would instantly get mad when I would see a drink in his hand or a can of beer. I was even more mad when I had to pick all the cans up after he was done!

The date you gave was probably a better option. I think they can sense no matter what but this way, he knows when d-day is so he knows he needs to act.

Being scared is normal. Giving the ultimatum is easy - following thru is tough. He will survive if you leave. I know your sister said that he would kill himself. If that would happen, it's not your fault. The disease takes over their mind and body and makes them make very bad decisions. If he continues to drink, his abuse will just get worse and he will get to the point where he won't have control of what he is doing. My husband got too close to me one time and one time only. I left in the middle of the night afterwards and that really got him thinking. He always said he wouldn't hurt me but I knew that it could happen because the alcohol takes over them.

You are doing the right thing for yourself and your kids. You really don't DESERVE to live like this for the rest of his life. If your kids are angry, they will get over it. You have to look at the big picture as they will understand later. Right now, your job as a parent is to keep them safe. Everything else can wait.
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Unread 11-23-2007, 03:03 AM   #27
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TEARS!!!! You hit it on the nose, supershonna. I just hope that if/when the time comes I am strong enough.
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Unread 11-23-2007, 03:06 AM   #28
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You will be strong. God will help you through - you just have to believe. I didn't think I would be strong either but once you get to that point, that strength will just come out of nowhere. None of this is your fault, you are only trying to figure out a solution for yourself and kids. You will be a survivor!
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Unread 11-23-2007, 04:30 AM   #29
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My husbands sister just called to wish us a Happy Thanksgiving. She sat on the phone with me for over an hour giving me a lecture on how unhappy my husband is and he is drinking excessively because of ME. Feeling pretty horrible now. Kind of sucks, I was feeling better for a while today. Back to square one.
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Unread 11-23-2007, 04:34 AM   #30
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One more thing...She said that she and my husband "discussed it" and think I am lonely because the twins are in school now. "They" think I should have another baby and will be all better. Ummmm....1st-why the heck are THEY deciding I should have a baby?? 2nd-Does he REALLY think a baby will help? I will NOT bring another child into this. 3rd-When did everyone decide that they can make my decisions for me?

This is all just so completely ridiculous. Sometimes the fight is not worth the effort. Sheesh.
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Unread 11-23-2007, 04:47 AM   #31
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Hi Ami,

I'm pretty new to this site...But something that i'm struggling with myself is trying to accept that i'm completely out of control in my own situation...Well i mean that all i can control is myself, not him...But as far as your husband's sister goes that's got to be even more frustrating because you must feel like you're being ganged up on. It must make you really upset. I think that sometimes people think in a weird way, or in a way that makes things easier for them to accept. Its possible that your husband's sister finds it easier to accept his drinking and unhappiness due to trouble in his marriage than to accept the fact that he's an alcoholic and needs real help. Hang in there...And if you're able to figure out a way to accept letting things go that you can't control let me know, because i'm not doing a very good job of that this week!
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Unread 11-23-2007, 05:05 AM   #32
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If I figure it out, I promise to let you know!! =) My husband is very drunk now and texting people. He is so drunk he can't read them so he keeps bringing me his cell for me to read them to him. And he thinks we should have another baby........sigh.
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Unread 11-23-2007, 09:52 AM   #33
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Ami,

Stick to your guns. You know what you need to do for you and the girls.

Does his sister also drink or is she just nuts? A baby will only make it worse. Just because the girls are in school does not mean there is nothing to do. Between house work and school activities the day never seems to end. She is in denial or she must beleive her brothers every word.

This is your life not theirs and you must take control now. We are here to help is no one else will. Keep going to your counslor and get the real you back. Most of us probably do not realize how much we change ourselves. I know that I did not like myself when he had the power. It is great to be back in control of my own life.

Please do not stay in the hope that he will change. If he really wants to keep his family he will get help voluntary and work to stay sober forever.

My Prayers are with you..
Leenie
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Unread 11-23-2007, 01:21 PM   #34
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His sister is just plain crazy. She has always been like this..If I wear green, I should have wore blue, when I had twin girls, I should have had at least 1 boy cuz my husband really wanted a boy. That's how she is, and honestly I try not to let her get to me. But right now it feels like everyone is siding with him and I feel so alone. I feel like I am in the wrong for the way I feel, that it is really my husband who is the victim here. Maybe he is, maybe I don't have the love for him I should. Maybe, maybe, maybe.... You know, it's funny. The few times that my husband has been physically agressive, I have told my family about it. My sister said "Oh well, he was drunk. Forget about it."..His sister said "What'd you do first??". His mom and sister have always thought he was God and can do no wrong. If they only knew....

Hope you all have a great day.
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Unread 11-23-2007, 01:42 PM   #35
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Ami29 and others,

Try to remember that your feelings are YOUR TRUTH. Your truth is not to be questioned or supressed by anyone...especially someone who claims to love you. Any partner who is not willing to give space and respect for your feelings is not worth calling a partner.

It is my sense that people who are using substances are usually trying to numb out from or soothe some inner pain because there is something in their emotional world that is too hard to handle. Only when the substance user is willing to slow down, sober up and examine some of that emotional material with a clear mind will they find relief and reclaim the broader spectrum of emotionality that is a part of being fully human. It is my belief that behavior like using substances is a substitute for coping with powerful emotions and often those powerful emotions get played out by those who surround the "numb" person.

As a partner of a substance user, one can often feel the opposite of numb when the substance enters into the partnership. In some ways Ami29, you may be feeling not only your own confusion, anger, guilt, etc but also you may be the vehicle for the overwhelming feelings your partner is trying to numb himself from as well. I wonder, does your partner have any traumatic experience in his past? Any significant losses for your partner in his life? Any illnesses or big scares that he survived as a younger person? Anything like that that you know of or suspect??

As a male, I am often discouraged when I look throughout this forum and realize how many males out there are unavailable to their own emotions and the emotions of their loved ones. I realize that addiction is a powerful thing and a substitute as I said for dealing with emotional reality. Just wanted to say that not all males are emotionally unintelligent and cruel to themselves and/or the females that they love.

Best of luck in your situation Ami29. I will be sending positive vibes your way as you make and honor your commitments and your truth.

Chris

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Unread 11-23-2007, 03:46 PM   #36
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Ami29,

That sister-in-law of yours sounds like a piece of work. I don't know what their parents did to them, but it sounds like the logic in that family only makes sense to them. Please be strong - for yourself and for your girls. Your husband sounds manipulative, and so does his sister. I don't know what you use for birth control, but I would be careful. I hope you can get out of there. I think if you were out for even one week, and surrounded by people that use logic that the majority of people on this earth understand, that you would begin to feel much better and more certain of your decisions. Hang in there, and don't let those loonies get to you!!
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Unread 11-23-2007, 04:45 PM   #37
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Hi Ami,

I think you said that your sister started to see your husband's true colors earlier in the week...Do you think that now she can be more supportive for you now in this situation? What if you and your daughters stayed with her for a few days to try and at least take a break from what's going on in your home...or maybe just to see what its like being away so you can get an idea of what it would be like? Just an idea.
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Unread 11-23-2007, 11:13 PM   #38
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Hi Ami,

I agree with going to your sisters for a little while. You will become more clearheaded for doing it. I am glad your sister is starting to see this side of him. She will not doubt be there when you need her.

Maybe just maybe he will get a feel for what his life will be without you.

Stick to your guns
Leenie
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Unread 11-23-2007, 11:36 PM   #39
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Hi Ami - Not only may your husband have a traumatic experience, he may also have some depression or anxiety problems. After my husband got sober and the alcohol finally left his body (took awhile), he began to have high anxiety issues and severe depression. It runs in his family pretty deep. He tried to medicate himself instead of trying to figure out what the problem was.

I am with you-I don't think a baby is the answer. It's not fair to the child and it's not fair to you as you will become even more stressed out.

If you do leave, he will beg and call for you to come back home. He will be angry and then beg. I'm sure he will promise that things will change but my opinion is that you should give him the time/space to figure himself out and to get help.

I'm really sorry about the sister - that is really hard. They are all trying to tell you what is right/wrong. Parents normally are the ones to do that even when you are an adult but nobody should have the right to say anything.
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Unread 11-24-2007, 03:41 AM   #40
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Hi everyone. Thanks for all the responses and great advice. Chris-thanks for letting me know that not EVERY guy is like this. =) It's good to know!

Well, today was an ok day. He worked all day and we then went to my sisters for dinner and "game night". He was GREAT. He was fun to play games with, he only had TWO (yup, 2) beers in 3 hours. He was offered more by my brother in law, but he passed them up. I was so impressed! And I got my hopes up, maybe this is it, maybe he realizes that I am serious, maybe he DOES love me....then we got home.

His whole demeanor changed. He stopped at the end of the driveway and told me to take the girls in the house, he was going to get beer. I told him it was late, the liquor store was closing in 5 minutes. He said "Well, get your ass out then so I can get going." He has already had 1 full beer in 30 minutes and is half way through his second one. My sister just called and said how impressed she was with how he acted, that he must have just been crabby last night. I mentioned that he was already drinking and she told me that I need to "loosen up" and give him a break. He was good for a few hours, therefore he can now play "catch up" I guess. As for the parade tomorrow, he said IF he goes, he will not be happy. But if he DOESN'T go,then somehow it will be my fault with my sis and her husband. So you know, I am kinda screwed either way. If the twins weren't so excited to go, I would say forget it and stay home with them. Let my sis, her husband and my husband go and have a terrific time.

As for my husband having a traumatic experience, depression or anxiety, I believe he has had all 3. His father was abusive and an alcoholic. I know he is depressed as he will go a full week or more without talking to anyone. I have tried talking him into seeing a doctor, but he refuses. I think he is drowning it with his alcohol now.

I know tomorrow is another day. And I know things could look up. But right now, it feels horrible and I sometimes wish he would just leave me. Would make everything so much easier.

Have a good night.
Amy
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Unread 11-24-2007, 03:59 AM   #41
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amy

I was alittle surprised that I could have written alot of your story myself. You helped give me hope that maybe I could get to the point of an ultimatum. Your stronger than you realize. I also wonder if everyone tells you to support him so they won't have too? Thats the only time my husbands family talks to me about his drinking. Just to tell me he didn't mean whatever he did and that I'm the best thing that ever happened to him. I just need to have more patience. Like you - my feelings really bounce from being angry, guilty, hopeless and hopeful. I hope you have a better couple of days. Your amazing and someday he'll realize that. Right now you just need to remember that his drinking has nothing to do with you. But, I know first hand that - that statement is easier said than believed.
good luck and hang in there.
your helping others as you seek help - thank you
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Unread 11-24-2007, 11:04 AM   #42
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Ami,

He is just trying to impress your sister and make you look bad. Eventually everything will catch up with him. Just remember this is a game to him and he will try to win by any means necessary.

I know this is very hard to deal with but you must keep moving forward. None of us know what life will through at us. All we can do is surround ourselves with frends, family and get help to survive.

None of this is your fault. You do not make him drink and you are not the cause of his drinking NO MATTER what he says. Al-Anon says "You did not cause it, you can not control it, and you can not cure it".
Go to a meeting if you can they really do help.

Stay strong.

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Unread 11-24-2007, 04:45 PM   #43
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Hi I have read thru this post, and I feel sadness in my heart that this is such a common thing that most people want to pretend is not there.

My husband of 11 years, stopped drinking in May of this year cold turkey. He swore that it was poison to him... It has been a hard and wonderful adjustment at the same time. I have not drank anything socially, to be supportive of him. I have tried to deal with my emotions of worry, fear, anger at past events related to drinking ect.. and hope that he will stick with his commitment this time.

Recently, we had an arguement about him going hunting- I expressed my concern that he would lapse and drink with his buddy. He became angry and said I was controlling and "who would it hurt anyways?" if he drank in the woods. I was surprised, even though I guess I should not have been. Being defensive about alcohol has been a common theme in our relationship.
He went hunting and when he got home I gave him a big kiss on the lips, I missed him. It was strange, but I felt him withdraw quickly and give me a peck instead. Last week, he did the same thing after work. No, I do not feel that he is having an affair, but in my heart, I feel he is worried I will smell beer on his breath.
I was also balancing the check books(we have a business) and going thru receipts and saw that he had purchased alcohol twice since the hunting trip.
So here is my dilemma, we have 5 children aging from 12 to 15 months, a loving marriage(great sex life) and I am a Christian 31 year old woman. He is a good father too and a hard worker who provides so well that I was able to quit teaching to be a stay at home mom.
Do I confront him? What advice do you have?
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Unread 11-24-2007, 05:35 PM   #44
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Fishrunner,

You have every reason to be concerned about his hunting trips. It sounds like his buddy does not support him about his decision to quit drinking. Knowing men he probably encouraged him to drink.

The children are your 1st priority. Growing up with an alcoholic is detrimental to them. I wish I did not stay with my husband for their sake. Keep reading the posts to see what children actually observe. It is a scary thing to read about. Go to counseling,talk with family and friends and let them help you. Include your older children in counseling because they to are suffering.


If you do not confront him now, he will think he got away with the drinking and will continue to do so. Trust me, the sex may be great now, but later on as he continues to drink you will not even want him to touch you. The smell alone is enough to turn you off. He will use any means he can to keep the status quo.

You can read all of our posts and see how each of us handles our situatuions, but you need to make the decision. Counseling and support groups are great. You have taken your first step by finding this site a made a post asking for help.

This is a very rocky road we all are on. Our stories are very similar to each others and the root of all our misery is ALCOHOL. Alcoholics are not the only victims in its wake. We suffer a great deal more because we are the ones that are mentally, verbally and even physically abused. We are made to feel guilty. Even our children are used as weapons to keep us in our place, because they know that we will do anything for our kids.

You have a tough decision and an even tougher road ahead. Keep coming back to post. All of us are here to give hope, encouragement and a sense of self.

I'll keep you in my prayers.
Leenie
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Unread 11-24-2007, 07:11 PM   #45
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Hi Fishrunner

Only you can decide what is right in your marriage. We can only give outsiders advice and suggestions/opinions.

I feel like you should tell him that you are aware that he is buying alcohol and try to do it in a non-confrontational way, if possible. "I just wanted to let you know that I'm aware that you are buying alcohol and I want to talk with you about it without fighting"...or something along those lines. He will be defensive and but at least you will have addressed the 'secret'. Than take it from there. Only you can apply it to your life. Let me know what happens.

SLynn
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Unread 11-24-2007, 07:20 PM   #46
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Amy

So what happened today? Parade or no parade?

Your husbands behavior is so typical...he is angry at you and passing the blame. Expect that but know deep down it has nothing to do with you.

SLynn

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Unread 11-25-2007, 12:06 AM   #47
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Hey guys.

Well, no parade. This morning dawned and he was so horribly crabby and mean...he drank too much on an empty stomach last night. He was up throwing up last night, I guess. Anyway, I got the twins up and asked him to get up so we could get going. He started off being a prick (sorry for the language, but no other word for it) to me right away. SO...I had to call my oh-so-understanding sister and tell her he wasn't going. The first words out of her mouth: "Were you crabby to him?"

Sigh...a never-ending battle, I guess. So after an hour of guilt trips from my sister and snide comments from my husband, I finally decided that I was going Christmas shopping. I got the girls their breakfast and was getting them in their coats and stuff when he came out of the bedroom. (This was 10 am) He asked what I was doing and I told him. He then got pissed and said the twins could stay with him. I said NO, they can come with me. The poor girls...they looked torn. 1 twin wanted to come with me, 1 wanted to stay with Daddy. I didn't have the heart to make her leave him to come with me, so I made him promise NO DRINKING while I was gone. Lord, I am a stupid, stupid girl. I called him at 3 and he had 4 beers down. By the time I got home home (5 pm) he had 9 down. He is currently starting a new 12 pack.

I am SO angry...my daughter was fine, thank God, but I put a LOT of faith and trust in him to leaver her here. And I told him that. But once again, alcohol was way more important to him than family. I am frustrated, angry, sad, hurt.......every emotion in the book. The only good part is that he is in a GREAT mood now...and calling me "honey" and "sweetie" every other minute. I would like to tell him to shove his "sweetie" and "honey" up is you-know-what. Grrrrrrrr....
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Unread 11-25-2007, 12:10 AM   #48
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This might be out of line. But I saw someone else suggest it. Videotape him when he's drunk. If not to show it him later but to show to your sister. Maybe that will make her get it.

Do not trust your children with him any more. When drunk we will say anything to get what we want. Sad but true. I know because I cannot count the lies I told.

Take care of you and the children.
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Unread 11-25-2007, 12:17 AM   #49
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Not out of line at all, I had actually considered myself. I don't have a camcorder, but will check with my cousin and see if I can borrow it for a few days.

He will NOT be left with the twins alone again. He proved himself tonight. I am sick of the lies, sick of the booze and sick of being made to feel 2nd best to a frickin' beer bottle.
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Unread 11-25-2007, 02:23 AM   #50
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Hi Ami,
That was a lot of reading! Am glad to see how strong you have gotten. I don't remember reading if you have a job or not. If you do, do you have friends that you could stay with when the deadline comes? If you don't have work friends, check all your other sources - church, PTA etc. You need some friends on your side - with a family like yours, you need all the help you can get.
As much as you would like to think it is going to get better, more than likely it won't so you MUST be prepared to act when the date comes. Someone else mentioned legal advice - good idea. Also get your finances under control. If he sees that you are really going to leave, he can cut your off financially at the bank, credit cards, etc. so make sure you have funds available to take care of yourself and the girls. When the day comes for you to separate, your heart will break, but it won't be too long before you begin to realize how much nicer life is without the drinking and fighting. Good Luck Ami!
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