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Unread 03-19-2015, 06:44 PM   #1
mentalmess
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Hello all,

Iím sure youíve heard the same stories time and time again, but Iím taking a big leap today, and I hope youíll bear with me.

As I sit here writing, Iím drinking. I spent the previous two days sober and thinking that *this* will be the time. Iím going to quit. Not because I want to, but because I have to. The truth is that I love drinking. Sure, sometimes I have too much, and I end up with a hangover. I surely donít sleep well, and Iíve gained plenty of weight. Oh, and have I mentioned the health issues? Yeah, in other words, I know I have to stop. However, I absolutely love drinking. Itís an ongoing personal battle.

When I drink, I feel wonderful. Iím calm, creative, and productive. Oh, and it gets better. Only one other person on this planet has any clue that I have a problem. That person? A condescending, judgmental doctor whom I saw a few months ago due to medical issues I believed were directly connected to my drinking. There wasnít much of a conversation; when I told him I drank quite a bit on a regular basis, his expression changed to one of complete accusation and simply said, ďNo wonder youíre having problems. You're busy drinking too much.Ē Oh, the tone was just awful. It was as if he was calling me an idiot. It figured that the one time I open my mouth in the last 5+ years, I receive that as feedback. However, thatís NOT why I keep this to myself. I know the doctor was an inconsiderate being, and that not everyone would react in that degrading manner. He just happens to be the one person who knows I have a problem. At least he did; Iím sure he doesnít remember me anymore. I only saw him once. Talk about being uncomfortable.

Anyway, the point is that no one knows. I have been with my wonderful boyfriend for four years, and he has no idea I drink. Iíve been living with him for two of the four, and Iíve still been able to hide it. Needless to say, Iím a pretty functional alcoholic. There have been a few nights when he has come home wondering what was going on, but with his familyís history of alcoholism, I know he has done his best to push the possibility out of his mind even though he has mentioned that I seem drunk a number of times. Why donít I tell him I have a problem? Heíd leave. Hands down. He grew up with a number of alcoholics (his father and stepfather still are to this day), and he canít take anymore of it. Heíd make the right decision for himself and walk out. I wouldn't blame him.

However, if I were to tell anyone (in theory, based on how close I am to others), it would be him. In other words, I canít tell a soul. Iím not close with my family, and I have no close friends (by choice ó donít feel badly!) So this is my big announcement. I finally decided I canít do it entirely alone. If nothing else, I just need to let it out. I realize there are plenty of support groups out there, but I absolutely will not participate in AA (for a number of personal reasons), and I honestly donít want to risk being out in public or lying (more than usual) to my boyfriend.

I know I have to stop. Iíve made lists to keep with me so I can always refer back to why Iím trying to stop if I feel like Iím slipping, but it just doesn't last. My longest reprieve was 3.5 months. I started again just for the hell of it. Even after having medical issues that were absolutely instigated by alcohol, I continued to drink. Iím not even entirely sure why I do it. Iím an anxious person overall, but I think thereís more to it than that. I spend a lot of time alone, which provides the opportunity. Sometimes I think I do it out of boredom. Other times I think itís because when Iím buzzed/drunk, I feel inspired. I work on amazing art projects and write incredible essays. I absolutely LOVE that feeling, and I donít want to let it go. So among all of the hustle and bustle, I suppose Iím trying to learn how to quit because I have to and not because I necessarily want to. I WANT to want to. The internal battle is endless; I stay up nights thinking about it. Here I am, contentedly buzzed, writing away, and I feel free.

Thank you to all of you for hanging in there with me. I appreciate, if nothing more, the welcoming outlet.
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Unread 03-19-2015, 07:14 PM   #2
gmasusie
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Mentalmess, welcome!

I understand about AA. There are other support groups out there that are NOT 12-step. Some are local: call around to family clinics. One is Lifering. See if they have a group near you. They are really cool and non-judgmental.

If there are really NO resources near you (or even if there are), you are welcome here. I used AA to stop, but I also had issues with their approach. The group of people who post here are non-judgmental and really supportive. If you have had enough to drink and don't want to lose your boyfriend and hour health, take advantage of this forum to try again. Old timers here will tell you, "Just don't pick up that first drink."

I'll leave it to them to express their individual mantras. Just keep writing, keep listening, and keep repeating what they say until you are ready to reset the hard wiring in your brain. It works.

YOU help keep us sober. I hope we can do the same for you.

Susie
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Unread 03-19-2015, 07:29 PM   #3
R. Lee
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metalmess, Welcome to the site. We alcoholics sometime think we are unique. Like loving to drink. Like you I loved to drink right up until the day I stopped.

Like you I filled out a questioner for a protologist. (spell). How many drink do you have a day? I put 10-15 every day sometimes more. He looked at that & said A day? I said yes. He said you drink too much. I blew it off knowing I drank too much. A few years later I saw him while I was visiting someone in the hospital. I told him about our conversation in his office. I complemented him that all of my 42 years of drinking I always answered the truth about my drinking & he was the only doctor that ever told me I drank too much. I told him that at that time I had been sober for 2 years & him telling me I drank too much stuck in my mind.

It is hard to believe that your boyfriend does not know that you are drinking when you have been living with him for 2 years. Others probably know too. We think we are fooling people when in fact we just might be fooling ourselves.

I could not quit on my own. I tried it. I quit 3 time twice for 7 months once for 4 months. The 1st 7 months was when I was fire in 1982 for an off duty drinking episode. Got my job back & started drinking again. 2nd 7 months was in 84 when I wanted to get my 1st wife back. I got her to move from CA to MI only to start drinking when she had made the sacrifice to move all the way back where I lived. The four months was in 2004 when I had to have a double by pass. After I healed up I was off to the races again for 7 more weeks. I then took my last drink & have not drank again.

I could not stop myself. I thought that I could never drink again & I could not imagine that I could do that so I gave up.

I found a group of recovering alcoholics where I go to meetings several days a week & I have been coming in here for several years.

My program is very simple. I stay in today. I only worry about staying sober today. I think through that 1st urge to drink. (remember my last drink was when I loved to drink).

Good luck. We have some great people here who are just like you. Several are new to sobriety. Join in & let us know how you are doing. Support all of us. It gets us out of ourselves & we just might need to hear something from you that might help us to get through that next urge.

Last edited by R. Lee; 03-19-2015 at 07:52 PM..
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Unread 03-20-2015, 05:35 AM   #4
Tryntryagain
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Good morning Mentalmess. Bright blessings to you.

Welcome, welcome to this forum/family. Thank you so much for sharing some of your journey with us, and what you feel the issues to be.

I can very much relate to your journey especially the "hiding of it". I spent years public speaking.....about alcoholism....half drunk all the time!! It was truly awful. I lived 1 great big lie.

Like you i loved drinking....or at least i thought i did. Again like you i felt that alcohol unlocked my soul and spirit if you like. I thought i was a "better" person whilst i was drinking. To cut along story short, really rather quite alot of it was in my head. Whne i look back at my drinking days i can remember things couldnt have been so bad. All i have to do is ask my children and they will tell me that my memory of my alcoholism was somewhat skewed, and alcoholo eventually came to get me, and nearly killed me. I think it is fair to say that i nealry "loved drinking to death".

I want to run something by you. Loving that feeling, writing incredible essays, being amazingly creative with your projects......i think you are doing youself a disservice. You are giving alcohol far to much credit. It is YOU who were born creative. Your words come from your heart. I can understand you feeling alcohol "unlocks" your heart, but in time it will turn on you and without recognising it your words will become dark words. 1 example that showed me i wasn't quite thinking straight was late 1 night. I play the piano etc, and i have a fancy pants piano that can record what i play.

1 night i came home, drunk. Oh i fekt so sensitive and creative. I drunkenly sat at my piano, pushed record, and started to play. Well, my, my Mentalmess, i played my little heart out and moreor less collapsed onto my bed. The next morning i came round and remembered that last night i had recorded probably one of my best pieces of music. Excitedly i went my piano, pushed playback and listened.

I had never heard so much shit in all my life! The same thing happened with my speeches. The more i drank the better i thought my speeches were. Oh dear just looking back on it, how humilating it all became. I was the first person to think others didnt know i had been drinking and the last to know that they did.

I so understand your love of alcohol. I so understand how difficult it is to let go. I so understand that "giving it up" feels like giving away a part of yourself. You are going to be amazed at what you are going to gain.

The best bit of advice that i have learnt here, well 2 bits actually, think through the first drink a day at a time.

There is a great deal of strength within you and a wonderful holistic pathways you have shared.

You can do this. Sure you can.

Bepeaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to you Mentalmess
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Unread 03-20-2015, 08:46 AM   #5
jenm
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Welcome, Mentalmess!

You came here for a reason. We are not going to judge you if you drink or if you do not drink. While reading your entire post, I kept thinking "yep, I thought that/think that" and "yep, sounds just like me". I also get that AA doesn't work for everyone. I was a part of a great group for a number of years. I also know many people who have gotten and remain sober without AA.

No matter what, just keep writing to us. The people here are some of the most amazing I have (never) met. The support is phenomenal. To say the least.

I am glad you are here. I was also what one would call a "functional" alcoholic - it seemed I kept myself even more busy and thought I did so much better at things with drinking. Take care, and continue to write. Jenm
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Unread 03-20-2015, 01:11 PM   #6
lostdog
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Welcome and hope you are having a nice peaceful day. You said you need to quit but not necessarily want to quit. In my opinion, you have to really want to quit to quit drinking for good. You can go day to day like R. Lee said and that's what I do also. I think your Dr. was doing you a favor of tough love medicine, per se. That's what got you thinking, but in the end if you still write and think you feel great with a buzz, you haven't reached rock bottom to really quit. I cannot glorify anything to do with alcohol, it has hurt me so bad, my dad has hurt our family so much that I can say it is not for me. Keep posting and I am not trying to sound too tough on my stance, it is just that I do care about what happens to you.
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Unread 03-20-2015, 03:34 PM   #7
R. Lee
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mentalmess, How about coming back & sharing what is going on even if you are drinking.
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Unread 03-20-2015, 03:49 PM   #8
Tryntryagain
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Good evening Mentalmess. Bright blessings to you.

(Just as an aside, i do not think you are a mental mess at all)

I just want to 2nd R Lees post in that i have struggled on and off with alcohol here with my postings over the years. It really does not matter in the big scheme of things, it is about what you want, and what you wish to share to help you along your way.

It took me a year to lose my concept of "their way or no way". I recognised i was being encouraged and motivated to do it my way, by those that had been where i had been.

This family is not about sobriety, it is about wanting it, finding it, and sustaining it. I do, wit support and love here, and i am sure many of my brothers and sisters here went through so many trys at getting what we wanted, freedom from alcohol.

Wise old Tryn?.....Tryn is but weeks sober.

1 day at a time.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to you, soon not to be a mental mess.
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Unread 03-22-2015, 06:02 PM   #9
jenm
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Hey MM - Seriously. Just let us know what is going on. Good or bad. Or indifferent.

For some reason, you sought us ought. If you think that your drinking helps your life, keep doing it. If you think you need to stop doing it and need some help, get some. Or talk to us. That is what we are here for. No judgment. None.

Please talk to us. Jenm
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Unread 03-23-2015, 10:41 AM   #10
lostdog
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I think I was in a lecture mood when I wrote that last post and did not at all intend to say anything condescending. Please post and let us know how you are doing. No judgement on my part at all. I hope you are doing well.
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Unread 03-23-2015, 10:45 AM   #11
Tryntryagain
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Good afternoon Mentalmess. Bright blessings to you.

How are things getting along for you? Are things working out your way or are things a tad challenging?

Whatever the state of play, don't forget we are all here for you to help and support you on your way.

Be peaceful, get in touch whatever, be strong. Loveness to you Mentalmess
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Unread 03-23-2015, 05:04 PM   #12
Millie
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Hi mentalmess. Just a hello. I too had a lot in common with what you wrote. The secrecy is toxic. Coming here has been such a relief for that.

Please do feel free to let us know how you're doing.
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Unread 03-24-2015, 09:01 AM   #13
DianeC
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Hello, mentalmess, and welcome. You have made a wise decision to come to this site, for here you will find nonjudgmental support. I hope you will look into the resources available to you, such as AA, and allow this step to be the beginning to a healthier life. If I may be candid, I think your boyfriend knows you drink deep inside himself, but it may be too painful for him to acknowledge this even to himself. If, as you say, he would leave you if he admitted this, he may feel as long as he can submerge this knowledge he can keep you in his life. I may be wrong, but this is something I think can happen when people think that the person who is closest to them doesn't know. I think that medical providers can tell us how to live a healthier lifestyle, but ultimately we must make the decision ourselves. There may be reasons we drink, but there are many more and better reasons to stop. Please know you are welcome here and that this circle of support is a wonderful resource to assist us. I have found great comfort in the communication and care I've found here. Please take everything one day at a time. That's the only way any of us can abstain from alcohol. If we think of it as stopping forever, that's too hard (many will feel), but we can do it today... and then in the morning we can do it again... for today...
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Unread 03-24-2015, 06:17 PM   #14
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Well said, D.
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