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Unread 07-15-2010, 01:20 AM   #1
Salgoud
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Default AA/NA Works

I've been doing a meeting a day since 6/24. In 10 days, I get my 30 day chip.

I go to AA, because NA scares me. I really don't like hearing about dope fiend war stories, all it does to me is get me craving. I am an alcoholic also, I used alcohol to help with the kick from opiates. Then after I kicked, after a week of drinking heavy, I had the shakes and had to get some benzo's to keep me alive.

I haven't felt any Stigma at AA yet, because Suboxone is a medication to me, not a drug of abuse, so it's my business not there business. I'm trying to get clean and struggling like everyone. I'm also trying to share in every meeting, and yesterday actually cried some in front of 20+ people. Felt very strange, I haven't cried since my mom died in 2/2005 and my little brother blew his brains out in 9/2005.

It takes effort to get to these meetings, because I don't have a car, so I ride my bike. Today I must have rode 15 miles. First rode to the laundry mat, did a load - then rode to a friends house to help him clean cause housing coming in a week. Then I rode all the way home. My sister-in-law came by and said she'd take me to a meeting. I said: "I think I'll skip it tonight, but thanks." She said: "Well, if you change your mind call me up." I can't depend on her, she has her own life. So I got on my bike and went to the 7:30 Spirituality meeting. I met some new people, I'm glad I went.

I was invited to the nooner meeting at the same place tomorrow, by a guy I never met. Hell, I'm not worried about a "sponsor" or "working the steps" right now, I'm just there to learn right now.

I must say, you have to have patience when some people speak. But meetings are like the WORLD, you have pretenders, hard core AA people, idiots, some good looking women (that's a no-no, but I am a man), and it is just something positive to do. I don't have a wife, kids, or relatives here, so I get bored real easy and that's when the dope fiend behavior slips in the essence of my being.

I'm sure I would be stigmatized if I told them I was on Suboxone, but why ruin a good thing.

Good Karma
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Unread 07-15-2010, 01:38 AM   #2
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That's great Salgoud! You are lucky you found a good group, I wasn't as fortunate, but that's all in the past. I'm glad to hear you have an understanding group and if you slowly educate them about suboxone you (or someone else) could be open about using medication assisted treatment without the fear of being stigmatized or considered "dirty". Meeting new people who aren't in active addiction is a great way to get used to socializing without the need for drugs, all of that change helps rewire your brain which makes staying addiction free easier. Good for you!
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Unread 07-15-2010, 02:53 AM   #3
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Thanks, the guy who came up to me was clean off Alcohol for 14 years, then relasped on pain killers for his back. He went to treatment for 3 months at a place I know very much about. They would have given him Suboxone. Tomorrow, when I see him, I will ask him about it in private.

I see you have good Karma
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Unread 07-15-2010, 09:19 AM   #4
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That's a good story....and congratulations on your upcoming milestone! I had similar impressions of NA....ongoing tales of getting high aren't helpful and the leader should have put a stop to them. I don't knock the group (much) because I know it has helped many, but it was never been my thing. In AA I found much more discussion of recovery with far less emphasis on the horror stories. Witnessing is part of the game, but can also be the sure route to newbie discomfort. In my local meetings, we always ask if there are any newcomers and, if so, ask their first name, then proceed to discuss early recovery.
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Unread 07-15-2010, 07:06 PM   #5
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Hello,
All though I am very new to Suboxane. I am very familiar with NA and AA. I have 15+ years sober and clean from Meth. My replace was do to the pills I was talking for pain and being I have addictive personality quickly took over.
My family is all members of AA and they told me along time ago to take the good and what I needed and leave the rest at the meetings. That is what I do.
Bottom line is to listen and learn from the messages of peace. To give back what was so freely given to use.
I use to get sooo irritated when the one person would speak and go on and on and my Aunt would say. Michelle that is there story and there recovery let them share it. That is what they need to do. When I listen to them and others that go on and one. I remember those words of my Aunt. May she rest in Peace. She passed away on 10/10/95 on he 13th year sober day ! Much Love Michelleeeeeeeeeeeee
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Unread 07-15-2010, 08:03 PM   #6
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Chellie.

I'm so sorry for your loss. My mom died after 9 years with a stroke that damaged her brain to where should couldn't even carry on a conversation. She died in Feb 2005. My little brother was so heartbroken (because he was momma's boy) and drank and took benzo's until he finally blew his brains out in front of his wife in Sept 5, 2005.

I've been trying to deal with it for the past five years, but I still have a lot of trouble. Suboxone has allowed me to concentrate on my life, instead of just veg out all day. I finally have a life.

Good Karma
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Unread 07-16-2010, 07:02 AM   #7
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I am very proud of you and the way you are looking at your recovery. I can read in your posts, that you have your whole heart into it. You speak with wisdom about not sharing, and I would just be careful to not let too much out to that guy who youi think may be on Sub in case he is not.

Listen I haven't been to meetings etc, but I do know people and how they can have an opinion that may surprise you.

Hey the bike riding is good for you...keep it up....why not try marathoning it, as a goal....I think we all need little/big things to work on now that we are in our right minds, to bring us back into society.

Have a great day.

Deb
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Unread 07-16-2010, 06:47 PM   #8
Salgoud
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Default Nonner meeting, what a drag

First of all I would like to thank everybody for there responses. I can relate to everyone of you.

Today, Friday, I helped a friend clean his apartment, because the Housing Authority is coming on July 29 and he's freaked out. He's on methadone now, but two years ago he got on Suboxone a month after me. He want's to get on it again, because in the long run it would be cheaper ($100 vs. $330 for methadone). Also last time his Medicaid covered the Sub, he paid only $1 for 60 8mg tabs. However he's at 85mgs of methadone right now. They pay $11/day.

So after helping him, with me doing most the work, I left at 11:45AM and was a couple of minutes late for the nooner meeting. Rode my bike like a bat of of hell.

It was a good crowd, maybe 40 people. So everyone indroduced themselves as an Alcoholic, Alcoholic/Addict, or just Addict. When the chairwomen said only the alcoholics could share, I really got pissed off, but kept it inside. One old alcohlic shared for about 1/2 hour. I was waiting for them to say something, like alright, alright let some other people share. He just went on and on about Kennedy getting assasinated, in the 70's people started to hug at meetings; I didn't sleep well last night so I was falling asleep as he talked. Then there was an arrogant female (not that I have anything against the opposite sex, I love you all), running the group, one of those unhumble no-it alls.

Then I talked to the guy who went to the Cirlcle program in Pueblo (three months). I asked him if it was free, and he said yes. I asked him: "Did they give you Suboxone for the withdrawal, and he said no. He said they were given METHADONE to other opiate addicts who were detoxing. I really don't think he knew what they were giving the other addicts, because I was told they give Suboxone for at least a few days to a week. I wouldn't dare tell anybody I am on Suboxone. The meeting sucked. So now I know to keep going to intimate groups (20 or less)

They have a Native American group, which is pretty cool. They chant and drum for awhile, then do the steps and traditions, and at the end burn SAGE and pass it around. Also when you share, they give you an Eagle Feather to hold while you share. Very different.

Anyway, another day of being clean is always a good day.

Good Karma to all
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Unread 07-17-2010, 11:26 AM   #9
Want2BFree
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Hi Salgoud and anyone else who happens to read...

In the past I experienced a few meeting like that...that really turned me off..they made me depressed....I didn't want to hear other people go on and on about the past....but I wanted to hear positive things on moving forward.....I'm sure a guy at 70 has told his story over and over again..and that is fine I guess, but i would thinkit would keep someone a prisoner to their past.....I need personally, this is how I took this disease by the throat, and threw it off me, and I now lead a joyful, successful life...It really does depress me listening to that...and if I were you I would stay away.....Find the place where you feel you are getting healed...not opening wounds up again and again...

The native american group sounds great.....native americans seem to have such a calm gentle spirit, and I know the few activities I have joined in ....the sweat lodge "though it almost killed me, I stayed in way too long" but I did feel a degree of healing and the most awesome hting happened when I was there in the woods.....a hawk came out of nowhere andf circled us and flew off inot the woods...

I think with this disease, it breaks our spirits, we do things, feel things, that just tear the inner man apart. This is just me, but I think we need to find a few things, a group, a church, a temple, a mentor, a book, whatever, but that these things build us back up...to who we were before and better. Myself I am a follower of Jesus...I don't attend church much, because I do find lots of churches shoot their wounded...they don't know how to act or what to say...but some do great work...it's a matter of finding one, that will give you hope for a bright future....I heard Joyce Meyer say once that it's not how we start out in life that matters, its how we end....and I'm hanging onto the belief I will end well...I have a 2 year old grandson, and a new grandaughter on the way...I want to be a positive influence on their lives, I want to meet my new grandaughter being me, and not having morphine flowing through my mind.

I contacted a group that was mentioned to me by Nancy...a Celebrate Recovery Group....it was started by Rick Warren, from Saddleback church. It's too far for me to go now as my car is a wreck, and i don't like driving hte hwys at night anymore....but I have an older friend who offered me a room in his house if mine doesn't sell. He coulduse some company, and someone to cook and tidy...his wife died and he is lost...if I stayed there i could go to this meeting, and go to this church...

they sound like a great group...well the guy who e.mailed me back...He did it right away so I know he must care....He was mentioning Rapid Detox..that a local hospital was doing it....he said they remove all the opiates and fill the "divets " with something...that is all he said.

Sorry don't mean to get into so much of my stuff...I can't remember how long have you beenon the Sub...it's been 5 weeks for me off a 6 year habit.

Anyway I can hear the sincerity in your words that you want to be free...I think riding your bike like a bat out of hell is good...get your own brain working....start feeling a natual high...remember those...I was hooked on high impact aerobics for years at one time...for that high...

Have a great day and I say everything good is going to happen for you today....

Deb
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Unread 07-17-2010, 11:37 AM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Salgoud View Post
I've been doing a meeting a day since 6/24. In 10 days, I get my 30 day chip.

I go to AA, because NA scares me. I really don't like hearing about dope fiend war stories, all it does to me is get me craving. I am an alcoholic also, I used alcohol to help with the kick from opiates. Then after I kicked, after a week of drinking heavy, I had the shakes and had to get some benzo's to keep me alive.

I haven't felt any Stigma at AA yet, because Suboxone is a medication to me, not a drug of abuse, so it's my business not there business. I'm trying to get clean and struggling like everyone. I'm also trying to share in every meeting, and yesterday actually cried some in front of 20+ people. Felt very strange, I haven't cried since my mom died in 2/2005 and my little brother blew his brains out in 9/2005.

It takes effort to get to these meetings, because I don't have a car, so I ride my bike. Today I must have rode 15 miles. First rode to the laundry mat, did a load - then rode to a friends house to help him clean cause housing coming in a week. Then I rode all the way home. My sister-in-law came by and said she'd take me to a meeting. I said: "I think I'll skip it tonight, but thanks." She said: "Well, if you change your mind call me up." I can't depend on her, she has her own life. So I got on my bike and went to the 7:30 Spirituality meeting. I met some new people, I'm glad I went.

I was invited to the nooner meeting at the same place tomorrow, by a guy I never met. Hell, I'm not worried about a "sponsor" or "working the steps" right now, I'm just there to learn right now.

I must say, you have to have patience when some people speak. But meetings are like the WORLD, you have pretenders, hard core AA people, idiots, some good looking women (that's a no-no, but I am a man), and it is just something positive to do. I don't have a wife, kids, or relatives here, so I get bored real easy and that's when the dope fiend behavior slips in the essence of my being.

I'm sure I would be stigmatized if I told them I was on Suboxone, but why ruin a good thing.

Good Karma
I have been attending AA for years as I am a recovery coke head! I don't like NA either. I do not discuss my suboxone at meetings and I don't believe it is any of thier business. I am not there to be judged, just learn and stay in recovery....And I agree you do need a lot of patience at times listening to the speakers! I about rip my hair out at times, but we can always take something that is said with us. And remember NO 13th stepping~!! If you don't know what that is, ask!! LOL!! good luck and great post!! JNJ
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Unread 07-17-2010, 01:06 PM   #11
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I think NA is anti-drug instead of anti-addiction. They'd rather see you suffering through life without medication than living a fulfilled happy life on medication. AA is more quality of life focused- IMO.
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Unread 07-17-2010, 01:58 PM   #12
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Julnjer,

Yea, I know what 13 stepping is, but a lot of people seem to do it. I have female friends, but they are all dope fiends - It refreshing to meet some women with their heads screwed on right, healthy, brighteyed, full of joy and hope.

I went to another group last night the same day I went to the nooners group. There was about 9 of us, and everybody is so intimate and glad I'm there with them. I feel like I belong. I think I might make it my home group, haven't decided yet.

I have said I was on Suboxone for about 18 months, close to two years BEFORE, from 2006-2008. I just used the Sub to stay well, didn't go to meetings, ran circles around my Counselor because I'm so treatment wise, would quit Sub for 3 days so I could shoot some dope (I have to muscle it). I also would drink on the Suboxone. So obviously, when my doctor moved to Durango - I relapsed. Was living script to script, waking up sick everyday (gagging, I did take a handful of Immodium, gooseflesh, and restless. I needed a drink by 8AM (that's what time the earliest liquor store open), then I'd be dope sick and buzzin' on the alcohol. Then we would cop, and split a bag. Then my so called friend would get his methadone, then I would get my 180 Norco's. What a screwed up life. I had no motivation to do anything but sit and watch TV. Then a doctor on the Patient - Doctor matching system called after I e-mailed him back. He wanted $500 for induction and $100/mo. My insurance will cover it in 3 month intervals.
I negotiated with him, and got him to $300. That covered my first visit, the next day induction at his office and the follow-up visit a week later.

Anyway, things changed immediately. I got my energy back, I haven't watched TV since 6/24 and I feel some damn grateful. But this is going to take awhile, and I know it. Years. My brain is so screwed up from all the opiates, if I don't do Suboxone I will just slip back into darkness. This time I'm doing the work. I've kick all my dope buddies to the curb, except one who's on methadone that is serious about getting clean too. He's from Southern California. He screwed up by getting on methadone again, but he had to do something quick or he was gonna get evicted and lose his housing. It's lonely, but I like that. I will find some good friends, because I am a loyal friend to have. I will help you in anyway I can as long as it doesn't jeapordize my sobriety.

My point is, I am a different person this time around and it is my last chance. I am very serious about this. I've been offered methadone tabs, Oxycontins, Norco's, heroin and turned them all down on their offer, and told them I'm on Suboxone and going to AA. Seems like that's all you have to say, and they don't call again.

I'm gonna take a bike ride to the "Garden of the Gods", it's about 10 miles away from my house. It'll be good exercise and it's always a spiritual experience.

I tried the Christian route for a long time. For some reason, I just can't feel the power of Christ, like everyone else. So I have resorted to Hinduism. I am studying the religion, and I like what I read and experience. I'm sure some of you have seen the movie "Gandhi". He was a Hindu. It is a very ancient and mysterious religion. Anyway, I am happy and I need to meditate and get into some yoga.

Good Karma to all
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Unread 07-17-2010, 02:23 PM   #13
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Gandhi's teachings and life's lessons IMO are things which nearly everyone can benefit from. What a incredible individual.

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Unread 07-18-2010, 01:34 PM   #14
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Smile Salgoud

I hear such motivation in your words, and I think you are doing all the right things. I think we all have to believe we can get well, completely well, and salvage the years ahead....make them count for something...even by helping other people with our stories of how we beat it....that is what is so good about coming here, reading how some people who had long long habits, did the suboxone route, but also retrained their brains to positive thinking...it's great if you can find that by using Ghandi as a mentor.....

It's just my observation that a lot of people who get addicted to opiates are very sensitive people, very intelligent people, who see and feel pain deeply...so opiates give us the relief...... What has really caught my attention here, is the emphasis on retraining the brain....get rid of all the old thoughs, and replace them with good ones....I don't know if that is how they view it, I haven't gotten that far in my searching, but it is definelty something Iknow I have to do.

I want to congradulate you Salgoud...ride your way to health....maybe you could prepare for a marathon or something like that...I haven't ridden a bike is so long, but when I see people do it I am envious...so you have that...

I dont' know the steps in AA as I haven't really been to enough meetings. I think there is a place on this site to work through them...the thought terrifies me a bit...I have so much work to do...You sound so grounded in knowing what meetings are going to work for you....it's great the small group where you are feeling intimacy with people.....I get the feeling step 13 is not dating people from the meeting? I can see not doing that in early recovery, but if two people met who were well on their way, why not? You said and I believe you that you have your bounderies in place...you won't let someone cross who has the potential to affect your sobriety....loneliness can be a trigger because humans aren't meant to be alone.....I live in a very rural area in NS and my family "my daughters" are in Ontario...so I live with lonliness....while on the morphine I could dull the pain of missing them, and being alone.....being on the suboxone I'm feeling more, and it hurts seeing how much I have isolated myself...I don't have a clue how to get back out htere....I have made contact with a Celebrate Recovery group...they are pretty far away, but the guy has been e.mailing me, encouraging me, and that is great....I will take all the help, and ears I can get at this point...

Stay strong and on your path....Jesus is my higher power though at times I don't feel teh same as others.....but it's not always our feeligns that are telling the truth...I know the morphine put a barrier between me and my true spirit....so maybe now I will start to have the real experience that is promised....I have to believe that...I have faith you are going to make it...

I hope I didn't get too personal and offend in any way....it's just my nature to say what I feel....I mean well...
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Unread 07-18-2010, 05:32 PM   #15
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You offended in no way whatsoever.

Thank you so much for your wisdom.

You're gonna make it too, just get involved in some type of support group

I was a Senior Member on this site at one time (2007). I just used Suboxone to stay clean, but I have a completely different attitude this time around, if it doesn't work this time, I will die.

Good Karma
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Unread 07-18-2010, 07:22 PM   #16
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Salgoud

Then you have to make it work....don't let this illness have the last word in your life...fight back....piece by piece you will build up your life....I think we can only win the war if we know the enemy....stay one step ahead...

Sometimes I feel the same way....I too was on Sub before, 2 years ago...but only for a few months...I was doing great, and planned that that was it...but I went to Ont to help my daughter. I looked after my newborn grandson while she did her teaching degree...I thought she needs this being a single mom....I checked it out ahead of time that I would have a doctor, but when I got there for the Sub. It ended up being a grimy clinic...a methadone clinic with a few sub patients...they wnated me in everyday, and pay for it everyday dispensing fees....I couldnt go there everyday with a new born, winter, car seats, stroller, I didn't want him there, and the cost was too high...my daughters doctor put me back on the morphine just because it was logistically easier....I remember the feeling I had when it kicked in, I felt so so sick because I knew, just knew it was going to be a while before I could do it again...when I ret'd to NS last spring I tried to go back on the Sub but after 4 days sick I went scurrying back to my doctor. It took a lot of mental preparation, and determination to do it again.....I'm so tired of it, feeling so scared being addicted...I have 6 weeks now on the suboxone and I'm feeling fine...I'm still at 12mg/day, but lately I've been feeling like I can drop down to 10.

So friend, you know this is serious business...another thing I have thought about is people who are diagnosed with a terminal illness...they have no choice, and they are so sick...I bet they would go through anything to get well....we have a choice....

Well signing off for hte night...

only good things are going to happen for you.
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Unread 07-21-2010, 09:25 AM   #17
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I too like a few have you have mentioned was on Suboxone a few years ago for a year. Life was going very well & my Doctor was at his limit of 100 patients therefore since my year was coming up in a couple of months he encouraged me to start tapering. Although I was apprehensive I agreed because he was the Doctor and he knew what was best. Once I was off I relapsed pretty quickly. I realize now all the things I did wrong. 1. It was entirely too early for me to go off of Suboxone. 2. I should have told my Doctor I relapsed. 3. I should have realized that the Suboxone was not the miracle drug I thought it was since it seemed to be taking care of everything rather than seeing it for what it really was...a TOOL. I am now back on Suboxone and now realize the things that need to be different this time around in my life. I now know that I may need to be on it for years to help repair the damage I have done to my brain. But that is fine by me because I know with Suboxone I will have the chance to live a long happy healthy life and to be there for my family. My Dad didn't get the opportunity like I did. He eventually died from the complications of a drug overdose and if Suboxone would have been available to him he would have had the opportunity to get rid of the demons that seemed to possess him that I could never understand before I was an addict myself. I have tried living life without the use of Suboxone and would relapse every time. I see it as myself being a diabetic and trying to control my diabetes by my diet but was the kind of person that needed the insulin to control it and stay alive. Years ago I had to go on anti depressents for a time & I had to fight the stigma of how people seen those but they saved my life and I was able to go off of them later in life with a renewed strength mentally. And I don't hesitate to tell people to use them when needed because they can save your life. I see Suboxone as the same way. A couple of things that stick in my mind from rehab & NA are If you keep doing what you've always done, you'll keep getting what you've always got! and Drugs can only lead to 3 things. Jail, Instituions or DEATH. I have lived long enough now through drug addiction to know that those are true statements but enough to want me to fight to keep myself ALIVE & healthy! I thank the good lord every day for those who were able to create the medication Suboxone!
Have a beautiful day
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Unread 07-21-2010, 09:28 AM   #18
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I hate it when I mispell a word....I type & spell for a living...I just get in a hurry! Let me try spelling it....Institutions! : )
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Unread 07-21-2010, 10:42 AM   #19
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Default Glad you are back in recovery....

Hi Getting There,

Don't worry about typo's...I make them all the time...it's not that I can't spell, my brain and fingers don't quite work in sync...lol

You sound like you know exactly what you have to do...and I agree addiction is a disease, and like any disease you have to stick to the treatment until you know it is completely gone....and if like a diabetic on meds for life then so be it....Life with sub can be good, and make sense and be productive, and we all know what the other life leads too...what you said jail, institutions or more likely death...and what about all the other people we leave with the mess we created by our illness....

I"m on my 7th week now of Sub and physically, mentally I am doing well...emotionally I have some issues...I know I need other tools in my life...I'm living in a very rural area, and I spend way too much time home alone....that is not good, no where to go, but I have lots of projects on the go around here....I have gardens, and a big house I renovated...but I'm trying so hard to sell in a dead market and that leads to a big depression I don't know how I'm goign to deal with. Anyway way enough of me....

I'm so glad you are here, and back on the road to recovery.

W2BF
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Unread 07-24-2010, 07:14 PM   #20
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Default 30 days Clean today

Well today I've been clean for 30 days. It feels good, but I know I have so much more work to do that it can be overwhelming. So, I'm just going to think about today, the heck with the future.

Want2BFree,

I was reading up on Nova Scotia (New Scotland) and see what you mean about NS being sparse in population. With only 940,000 people, you're right, it is very rural. That equates to 1 person per 48 square miles. It was interesting to note that nowhere in Nova Scotia is more than 42 miles from the ocean. Is it sparsely vegetated, or are there forests? I know from living in Newfoundland, that there were huge cliffs by the ocean, is it the same? I was surprised that Summer is from April to October, but was alarmed that the average temperature in the Summer was from 58 to 77 degrees F. Global warming is here. Keep trying to reach out to people. Those Scots and Gaelics love their Whiskey, so there must be some AA meetings around. I feel you are very serious about this, and so I'm I. My Dad is very sick, and I'm very worried about him. He's 85, still drives, shops, went to Gemany to meet with his enemy in WWII (the Luftwaffe), so he's very active. He either has Pneumonia or an infection of the Bronchial Structure. So say a prayer for my Dad and me, I'm not ready to let him go, I love him so much.

Getting There,

When you said if your father just knew about Suboxone, he would still be alive reminded me of my brother.

My brother had it all, two free and clear houses, a good job at ING, a caring and thoughtful wife. When I saw him at the methadone clinic one day, I knew he was in trouble. He didn't know what he was getting into. The combination of Alcohol, Valium and kicking methadone and all the mental pain he was in, allowed him to put a gun to his head in front of his wife and blow his brains out. If he would only of knew about Suboxone in 2005 (and it was being prescribed then) would have, IMO, saved his life. He was a certified gun collector and had about 300 in his gun room. I knew something bad was going to happen.
I can't talk about it much, or I will get so sad. He was 6 years my younger and he had a bright future ahead of him. My mom passed away 6 months before he took his life.

I think we all can make it, Suboxone is a tool to get our lives back to normal, but AA, NA, counseling, group therapy and a host of other support is out there for us to help deal with Death, loneliness, impulsive behavior, etc. Lets all take advantage of that, instead of die.

Good Karma to both of you
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Unread 07-24-2010, 08:39 PM   #21
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Well today I've been clean for 30 days. It feels good, but I know I have so much more work to do that it can be overwhelming. So, I'm just going to think about today, the heck with the future.
woo hoo ......... Congratulations!!!!
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Unread 07-25-2010, 02:58 AM   #22
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Salgoud.. I'm also new to suboxen, and i just started to go to meetings. Which wasn't the best experience for me at first (But i'm going to start trying to go to aa) My bestfriend since... since grade school, passed away 4-9-10 right next to where we grew up raceing. I've already been using for the past couple years, but man it hit me hard and i started doing whatever i could to get passed the pain

Man after lossing a brother and a mother, and you're working so hard to get clean, you have all the respect i can give you. Good for you man, keep at it, there's going to be hard times... But they will pass, even if we don't think it will. God be with you my friend
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Unread 07-25-2010, 03:42 AM   #23
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Thanks Mike and Rufus for your applause and concern.

Mike, you know how hard that first 30 or I should say 90 days are. Especially with my Dad sick. I want him to be proud of me before he passes away.

And Rufus, seems like death is all around me, mainly because I use to hang out with a bunch of junkies.

My Mom's death was a blessing. She suffered for 9 years, with my Dad changing her diapers and when she could ring the bell, then he could get to her in time to put her on the toilet. But the worse thing of all was when she would cry. It was a scary type of cry, then watching my Dad comfort her (they were married for 60 years). In WWII, my Dads P51D had Josephine on the side. She was such a good mother, always made sure we dressed good, bathed, brushed our teeth, and always had something good cooking in the stove. And now my Dad. I hope he doesn't suffer like my Mom, I couldn't take it again. My little brother was the baby of the family out of four boys and was very close to my mother.
That is one of his reasons for killing himself. The first day in Hospice she passed and Rick (my little bro) was there. He would tell me, "Doug, the look on her face, I've never seen such horror in my life.) It haunted him till he died. You see, it wasn't my Mom's time to die and she was so vane, for people to see her that way made her so angry. So she sat in front of the TV for 9 years, couldn't walk, couldn't carry on a conversation, but she always could say: "I Love You, Doug". And I would say: "I Love You too Mom. You look pretty today". Then she would just look confused and I would give her a kiss on her cheek and a big hug, and go out back and cry.

Then there was Bryan, Pat, Daniel, Little Dave, Levi and many other friends, some who had family, some who had nobody. I don't even want to think what they do to an unclaimed body, and I DON'T WANT TO KNOW. I has to be heartwrenching.

For five years, I shut myself off to the world because of the depression I felt behind the deaths of my beautiful mother and my brother who idolized me. Why, I don't know (he says I taught him how to fight and take care of himself in this sometimes monsterous world.

So now I'm clean and everybody I love is gone or going. Then I'll really know what loneliness feels like.

Guys I got to go, my feelings just well up and I can't contol them.

My you all have Good Karma, especially my father in this hard time for him. Dad I love you so much, hold on for me please, hold on.

That's why AA is important, it teaches us how to get through times like this SOBER and CLEAN.
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Unread 07-25-2010, 01:16 PM   #24
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Hi and thanks Doug for sharing...

I know talking about all the pain can land us right square back there...I know I was posting some stuff about my own journey into hell and back, and I felt sick afterwards, and I couldn't even come here for a day or so..sometimes when I read others stories too, my heart just aches...and so I know I need to turn my attention to the good things I still have in life, and the areas where I'm missing good things, start to take action to change that...like close friends. I shut so many people out...my whole family except my daughters...if it wasn't for them I don't know if I could have pulled out, but at my worst I thought NO NO NO I can't leave that legacy to them...NO I'm going to survive this, and show them no matter how hard life gets, there is a way out...and my way out has been God...and I did resonate somewhat with what you said about Jesus working for some but not you...I felt that for a long time, until I just really tried to understand the person He was on this earth, how He treated people, the down and out, the sick, the poor, he loved them all, never said no to anyone, how he stood for justice, and wasn't afraid to call a spade a spade, stand up to the "self righteous pharisee's of the day", and gave himself as a sacrifice...that was hard to get my head around, because he could have wiped them out with a thought, but he didn't abuse his power.. Okay sorry dont' mean to preach, not my intent, just what helped me gain the inner fortitude. I didn't have anyone to talk to about what was happenign to me...I wrote in another thread how I didn't become an addict until I was 49, so I didn't now how to handle it..Sure I told my sisters, but they were in Toronto and didn't know how far down Iw as going..they had their lives. I can't blame them because Ididn't now either untl it happened to me. So I spent 6 almsot 7 years, in steady study of the Bible, I must be slow learner, to get it...

Enought of the heavy talk....so glad to see you around...hadn't seen any posts from you for a few days, and I did worry a bit...well I'm at day 50...can't beleive how fast that has gone...The suboxone is really working well......

Re NS...hum summers are warmer than that here...we use metric but it gets up to 30 and that must be 85...and with the humidity it can feel 90 I'm so fortunate I usually get a breeze...you know about our tides here? biggest in the world I think...and when they change there is always a breeze......I'm down in south west NS on the Bay of Fundy...I've only got 5 of the mean 48 acres/capita, but it's miles of woods behind me...most people have better than 100 acres around here..or it's unpopulated...

Ya there is one AA meeting Sunday night not too far from me, but heck the man who is hte contact is an ex neighbour, from just down the road, and his ex wife would come to me as a get away...from him...before their divorce...so he sees me as the enemy....It's so small town, and he knows I don't drink, and he knows all my story, probably from his ex wife...so I would rather not get into that group. Maybe one day...

I'm trying to sell my house, cause it's just too much work for me, heating with wood and the gardens, and country living is too hard now, very isolating in the winter,...but it is a beautiful beautiful place to live, I eally can't imagine city life again...I left it almsot 20 years ago...The ocean is right there, and a great fitness centre that was jsut built 3 years ago, state of the art, but just closed 5 months ago, is reopening in Sept, and just 5 minutes from my house,...so I am just going to keep swimming, and get strong, loose the weight the morphine added to me. Plus my doctor is one of hte very few doctors in Canada who will prescribe suboxone on a monthly basis, and it is covered for me by the province...Now talk about miracles..God does intervene....even this fitness centre... I had a really bad knee injury and I couldnt' hike the woods like I did, or walk for long distances, and I was so depressed and seemingly out of the blue this fitness centre appears with a 25 meter indoor pool, whirlpool, sauna, cardioweight room...and for rural NS that is a miracle as we are a poor province, and this area certainly doesn't have money.....So I have in one sense what I need right here...but it's the lack of people that can be hard...

I see people of course, at my water aerobics class, that is the only activity going on in the pool for now, and I have some Christian friends, few, but we are really close, and they know waht is going on, they just can't relate, but people have different kind of struggles so it doesn't matter.

Anyway didn't mean to go on so long, but you know the fingers get flying, and the story comes out... I'm okay....heck I quit smoking a few days ago, and that is tough. that's a habit I picked up again after years, but I stick on the patch, and just sit in a chair if I have to, sipping a coffee, and watch some tv if I find that I'm feelign sorry for myself....

I too have an 87 year old dad in really bad health....my mom died 3 years ago..my sisters are close to him and he is well taken care of.

BTW NS has cliffs, stone beaches, sand beaches, rock beaches, the only problem is the water is too cold to swim..good for beachcombing, or kayaking....I've often thought of going to NFLD, but it is very far from the part of NS I live.

So are you a Newfie? I remember now someone when I first started posting mentioning NFLD...I didn't remember who....

Congrats Doug on 30 days....Please take care of yourself, and stay strong...hows the bike riding? Good way to get those endorphins going...

Deb
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Unread 07-30-2010, 08:58 PM   #25
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I'm still here, but have been so busy lately I really haven't had the time, but mainly the energy to post.

My Dad had bacterial Pneumonia, they gave him some strong antibiotics and seems to be doing well. I gonna go to Roseville, CA in August to visit him, my nephew, my niece in law, and their two beautiful daughters (6 and 8). My brother, their grandfather, has never visited them or seen them in person - I don't know what their grudge is against each other, but that is absolutely insane. So I have two older brothers I just don't talk to. It really isn't worth my time to talk to them from there actions. The girls grandfather lives outside of Sacramento and Roseville is a suburb of Sac. And in 8 years he never visited his grandbabies, that's crazy.

Yea, I lived in Newfoundland from 1958-1960 in St. Johns. My Dad was stationed at some base there. I really never new what my Dad did, but I do know, it was secret. I had to do with communications and RADAR. He was in the Strategic Air Command, basically defending our country with a series of RADARS and other stuff I don't understand. My Dad bought one of the color camera's they had back then so I have pictures of Newfoundland, Colorado 60-65, Endland 65-67, Thailand, Vietnam, Milwaukee, and some of Germany. Newfoundland is a very friendly place, I had lots of Newfy friends.

I'm going to my meeting tonight to get my 30 day chip.

I must admit I have missed a few meetings, because I'm so wore out. Root Canal and Cap on my Bicuspid, then they got the billing wrong, so I'm on the phone straighten it all out. I missed the bus so I had to ride my bike all the way there. I'd say about 15 miles round trip. But I'm alive and kicking, and plan to be posting some here shortly. I had an appointment with my Psychiatrist and changed my med from Lamictal to Effexor. I'm not bi-polar, just depressed over life and death. This med is the best one for opiate addicts they say on Wikipedia. Then I'm diabetic, and seem to get blood work every month. Then see my PCP. Go to meetings. Fixing my bike and vacuum cleaner. Then staying up from 2AM till 4AM working with a tech from India on a problem with my computer. It is endless. My blood sugar was only 72 this morning. Thats the lowest its been.

Well, I know I've been rambling so I'll go with something different: "God Loves us All, and we are all welcome in his house."

Later - Want2BFree, I am the Newfoundland Man. Haaa, haaa.
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Unread 07-31-2010, 08:59 AM   #26
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Well, I know I've been rambling so I'll go with something different: "God Loves us All, and we are all welcome in his house." salgoud
sal,
Glad you posted, I was getting worried, but then I'm the queen of worry. I'm so glad your father is doing well, prayer is a powerful tool thats a fact. I'm not a meeting person but I must give you big CONGRATS on doing so well with yours. I'm more of a one on one type. I think I like the objectivity of the one on one, or maybe I just am not ready to share. I've gone to meetings only to be dissatisfied with them, some, (NOT ALL) people would go to a bar after the meeting, *?*...didn't make sense to me. Then the n/a meetings were at a methadone clinic and so rigid that if you spoke you got written up and usually tossed out, so I quit them too. I was disillusioned by meetings, then I found counseling through my doctors office and here and seem to like it much better. It's whatever works for each individual right? You sound like your doing much better, I'm really glad you posted, please DON'T MAKE ME WORRY ANYMORE I have to get ready for the invasion of the grandchildren. I swear I'm getting to old for this, but God, they give me so much joy!
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Unread 08-01-2010, 04:27 AM   #27
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My Sister-in-Law was going to pick me up at 7:10 PM to make it to the 7:30 PM meeting. She came by in the afternoon and brought me some food, and said she was going to her sister's house to help out. Her sister's husband had some kind of accident and broke something, so she's helping her sister. (We were going to the meeting to get my 30 day chip, next week I'll just go myself and get it, I'll ride my bike. Hell, my legs are really getting stronger I can tell, but the tobacco has to go.)

I'm can't put my finger on it, but the longer I'm sober I feel she's becoming more hateful toward me. She only lives 2 blocks away on N. 7th.

I haven't heard from her since yesterday when she brought the food. I'm going to continue to go to AA, but maybe not everyday. I need to find a good counselor, and do the one on one thing also. I've really been wearing myself out lately.

Yesterday, the dope fiend friend I threw out came by. He got kicked out of the program he was in, but is an electrician and says the guy is paying him $50/hr. Sounds a little high for replacing Balasts. Anyway, he's bragging about how much money he's making. So I ask him for the $25 he owes me for getting a duplicate license, so he could get a job. He says he doesn't have it, and shot up 6 4mg Dilaudid's. I kept strong, it would be just a waste, and it's the end of the month and I'm about broke. That's the final straw, he wants to see me fail also. Human nature is amazing. I'm really starting to see I have to rely on me, and nobody else. I have to get my license. I'm eligilble, but I'm not sure I did enough Level II classes. But I graduated a Christian Home called Victory Outreach, and that was part of my sentence (9 months in Pueblo, and to graduate in Cripple Creek, CO).(This was in 2000). I hope with my letter from Victory and the Level II hours I can get a license. They want me to have an Intoxilizer installed, and the DUID's were not alcohol related. Oh well, it's only $50/mo, and I haven't had a driving violation for 10 years. I was at Victory Outreach for 14 months.

So much to do, so little time left to do it.

Good Karma Dark Eyes and Want2Bfree. Give everyone you love a hug for me too. I sounds stupid, but the more good Karma I project the more comes my way.

Today I was a King Soopers in a strip mall, and I had a dollar, and guess what blew on the ground right toward me, a $5 bill. Not much, but it was a sign from God - keep doing what your doing, you might be alone, but remember I will always be with you.

Good Karma
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Unread 08-01-2010, 11:57 AM   #28
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My Sister-in-Law was going to pick me up at 7:10 PM to make it to the 7:30 PM meeting. She came by in the afternoon and brought me some food, and said she was going to her sister's house to help out. Her sister's husband had some kind of accident and broke something, so she's helping her sister. (We were going to the meeting to get my 30 day chip, next week I'll just go myself and get it, I'll ride my bike. Hell, my legs are really getting stronger I can tell, but the tobacco has to go.)

I'm can't put my finger on it, but the longer I'm sober I feel she's becoming more hateful toward me. She only lives 2 blocks away on N. 7th.

I haven't heard from her since yesterday when she brought the food. I'm going to continue to go to AA, but maybe not everyday. I need to find a good counselor, and do the one on one thing also. I've really been wearing myself out lately.

Yesterday, the dope fiend friend I threw out came by. He got kicked out of the program he was in, but is an electrician and says the guy is paying him $50/hr. Sounds a little high for replacing Balasts. Anyway, he's bragging about how much money he's making. So I ask him for the $25 he owes me for getting a duplicate license, so he could get a job. He says he doesn't have it, and shot up 6 4mg Dilaudid's. I kept strong, it would be just a waste, and it's the end of the month and I'm about broke. That's the final straw, he wants to see me fail also. Human nature is amazing. I'm really starting to see I have to rely on me, and nobody else. I have to get my license. I'm eligilble, but I'm not sure I did enough Level II classes. But I graduated a Christian Home called Victory Outreach, and that was part of my sentence (9 months in Pueblo, and to graduate in Cripple Creek, CO).(This was in 2000). I hope with my letter from Victory and the Level II hours I can get a license. They want me to have an Intoxilizer installed, and the DUID's were not alcohol related. Oh well, it's only $50/mo, and I haven't had a driving violation for 10 years. I was at Victory Outreach for 14 months.

So much to do, so little time left to do it.

Good Karma Dark Eyes and Want2Bfree. Give everyone you love a hug for me too. I sounds stupid, but the more good Karma I project the more comes my way.

Today I was a King Soopers in a strip mall, and I had a dollar, and guess what blew on the ground right toward me, a $5 bill. Not much, but it was a sign from God - keep doing what your doing, you might be alone, but remember I will always be with you.

Good Karma
Today I asked God to give me patience, (in Italian), you have a lot of time, and your sister, both of mine are finally realizing that I am a good person after being in recovery for so long. She will come around too. Problem is I'm having a hard time "sucking it up"....
Quote:
Il caro Dio, mi dÃ* la pazienza oggi con la mia famiglia.
Which means, DEAR GOD GIVE ME PATIENCE WITH MY FAMILY. I wish I could go to the meeting with you, and that my good friend is from the heart.

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Unread 08-01-2010, 03:52 PM   #29
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Yea, I think your right. She hasn't seen me clean in so long and I think she thinks I'm still using or something like that. I will go to meetings w/o her. I have to. Maybe then, when I show up at a meeting and she's there also, she will see my sincererity in leaving this wasted life all behind, and be a winner again. I'd like to go to a meeting with you also, you seem very sincere and I'd like to learn a little Italian. I've been to Greece, the Greek islands, Crete, Spain, Morocco, France, Amsterdam and did go to Naples once, they had or have a base there. Just take it one day at a time.

Good Karma
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Unread 08-02-2010, 12:16 PM   #30
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Yea, I think your right. She hasn't seen me clean in so long and I think she thinks I'm still using or something like that. I will go to meetings w/o her. I have to. Maybe then, when I show up at a meeting and she's there also, she will see my sincererity in leaving this wasted life all behind, and be a winner again. I'd like to go to a meeting with you also, you seem very sincere and I'd like to learn a little Italian. I've been to Greece, the Greek islands, Crete, Spain, Morocco, France, Amsterdam and did go to Naples once, they had or have a base there. Just take it one day at a time.

Good Karma

I'm glad your going alone, you need to "spread your wings". We all do at one point in this process and meetings work for you, don't quit because someone else thinks your DOING BETTER THAN THEY. IMO it's not that your still using that bothers this person, what's bothering her is the fact that she has not accepted the fact that you are serious about getting this disease under control and into remission. Isn't it funny tho how people look at us at first? Well, I say screw em. I had to find that out the hard way, with a family member as well. Oh and I don't speak pure Italian, I speak dialect. So if you want to learn, I would be happy to teach you, only thing is I DON'T KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE, or how to get in touch. arrivederci il mio amico!!!!! (for now)


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Unread 08-03-2010, 12:03 AM   #31
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I've been so busy lately, going to the Dentist, trying to find a good counselor, getting groceries, etc. etc. it has been hard to make it to a meeting.

As far as my sister-in-law, she lives two blocks away but she has a busy life as mine is becoming as well. I don't have a car, so I bike everywhere I go (for the most part). The buses here have racks on the front where one can put there bike. Tomorrow I go to a Holostic Pain Management Center, the doctor is a Psychologist so he can't write for pain meds. I met him at the hospital when I was having really bad chest pains. Anyway, they know I'm a pain med freak and had him come by. I guess there is a lot of physical therapy and other stuff (will find out more tomorrow). So I bike there in the afternoon, and by the time I come home, it's really too late to go to a meeting. The buses stop running around 6PM and don't run on the weekends. By the time I get home I'm pretty tired. Tomorrow, I'll go to the noon meeting and take the bus to the pain place.

Anyway, my sister-in-law is in recovery, a counselor, and runs groups (Colorado Addiction Counselor II). I live in a city at the base of Pike Peak, 14,someodd,000 feet high. I'm at 5300 ft. I've probably aready told you this but my brother was ofcourse her husband and after he committed suicide in 2005, we really didn't talk much. There is alot of animousity between us.

Well, to make a long story short, I have to make it to meetings myself right now and it's been 4 or 5 days since I've been to one. Tomorrow I will go. It's been raining at night every night here. I hate getting soaked.

Darkeyes, I wanted to ask you, are you still on Suboxone? I thought I read somewhere that you have been off it quite awhile, is that the case.
If it is (if you don't mind) how long were you on it and how did your taper go?

Anyway, it's been a long day. I am hopeful this is going to work. I started reading TT's thread and it started making me feel like I'm never gonna get off opiates. I've been doing dope as long as he has, and I really believe the brain stops making endorphins and enkelphalins.

We'll see, I've only been taking Suboxone 37 days. It sure beats going to a methadone clinic everyday (even Sundays here). They count your medication (benzo's mainly). If you come up short, they'll give you one or two warnings, but strike three and bam Admin Detox.

I've never been a holistic type guy, but with AA, Counseling and Physical Therapy and the Sub it might all work. I've been taking 16mg a day, but I only did 8mgs today. I'm gonna try to keep it low. Down to 2mgs/day like before. I don't think people realize that Buprenorphine is a powerful medication. Even 2mgs is 7 times the strength of Buprenex (0.3mgs).

Good Karma to all and Auf Wiedersehen to Darkeyes. Grandfather came from the WestPhalia area of Germany to the US in 1900.
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Unread 08-03-2010, 07:13 AM   #32
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Darkeyes, I wanted to ask you, are you still on Suboxone? I thought I read somewhere that you have been off it quite awhile, is that the case.
If it is (if you don't mind) how long were you on it and how did your taper go?
No Sal, I've been on sub since September 18, 2009, on methadone before that. Addiction prone family (alcohol mainly), and depression. I feel great, Have no intention on tapering. I'm just not ready. I see a therapist once a month, for a while I went every two weeks, she's great and we have a good one on one relationship. Anyhow, I have friends in the Springs, are you close to there? They have invited me there so many times, one of these days I'm going to take them up on it, I'm always off to New England because I love it so much. I'm thinking of taking my five year old grandson to DC in September, he may be to young but there is lots to do, and I have "acquaintances" there that I would visit. And he would be a lot of fun to take along cause he just so good and smart.

Oh and about the BAM DETOX ADMIN. Read the federal regulations, and your state regs. There are only a couple of reasons (4 or 5) I think that a detox can be administered and memorize it, then slap it in the admins face, I did it and the state came down on this clinic so hard it was funny (to me). In the state of PA, you cannot detox someone of of methadone because of MONEY. It has to be: abuse of a patient or staff member, abuse of other opiates, not following the program, get this one: murder on the property, and excessive loitering. In addition, bringing weapons of any kind on the property, etc. But for money, no way. Benzos nope unless your abusing them so bad, their supposed to HELP YOU TAPER FROM THEM, not throw you in the street. Of course CAP and clinics such as that nature, don't care because they are not funded, they are private and they make millions on a drug that is not expensive to make. (I"m still an advocate her in the burgh. )Now those are PA STATE REGS, the more stringent of reg is the one that is followed. I've been escorted of of property (clinic) when asked by my state methadone authority to go and "check it out"....
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Unread 08-03-2010, 10:57 AM   #33
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I've lived in the Springs from 1960-65, and from 1978-2010.

I tried to get back on the Methadone Clinic. Because in 2007 I made a complaint against the doctor of the clinic in 2007 to the Colorado Board of Medical Examiners, they had a meeting and told me I couldn't get on the clinic because they felt I was not appropriate because of the action I took against the doctor.

It was a God Send. I was trying to find a Suboxone doctor through the patient/doctor locator, I was e-mailed by one who said he only used it in the treatment program he worked at. Then my Doc. Great guy. I called after he e-mailed me, I called talked to the secretary and she said it would be $500 for induction and $100 a month after that. I thought that was too much. Then the doctor called, I negotiated with him.
We settled at $300 for induction and $100 a month. End of story.

My Medicare insurance I pay for (3.80/month) covers the Suboxone in 3 month intervals and costs $6.30 for a script. I'm going to really panic if in October they (my insurance says no). But I quit the Norco and doing the H in between so they really have no reason to say no. We'll see.

I'm gonna make it to a meeting today, go to the drug-free Pain Clinic and take it easy today.

Excuse me about not talking to much about the rule and regs of methadone, they do what they want here. It's a private clinic. Costs $330/mo. My experience with them was horrible. I kicked at 140mg cold turkey, almost killed me. Methadone scares the sh*t out of me.

Have a good day and of course Good Karma.
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Unread 08-03-2010, 06:11 PM   #34
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I love AA and have been sober 22 years

I let some people know about my sub use but feel confidant in recovery so any negatives roll off my back.

if new however, don't try and change AA just keep the sub use to yourself. Why risk a resentment?

Be wise not arrogant

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Unread 08-03-2010, 08:07 PM   #35
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The Swan,

That is exactly what I am doing. I keep it to myself. I don't need anyone in AA talking behind my back, saying: "That guys still using, blah, blah blah". They have no idea how much it has improve my outlook on life, it has given me hope again, a future again, I am not as depressed, I ride my bike like Lance Armstrong (kind of) trying to create those endorphins I have lost through 37 years of opiate abuse.

Are you on Suboxone, or you have been 22 years sober from alcohol or what? I am very interested in how people set up there support system and stay clean for so long.

Thank You and the best of Karma to you and your loved ones.

I read your post again, and see you are on Suboxone. Can you tell me how long you have been on it and your current dosage, if that's not being to nosey?
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Unread 08-03-2010, 08:36 PM   #36
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Glen: I have been in AA fellowship for nine years, and started the subs a couple months ago. I agree, keeping it to yourself. Although I am struggling with my dose, anxiety, etc., I never bring up the subs. Meetings and fellowship is what keeps me grounded and grateful for the awesome life and family I have. It also keeps me humble and clean from a 15 year cocaine addiction. Got hooked on prescribed norco the last two years. My husband is a saint and is so supportive. We actually met at a meeting. NO we didn't 13th step. We both had over 6 years clean by the time we met!! LOL!! Great post. Thanks! JNJ
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Unread 08-04-2010, 12:05 AM   #37
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Wow, that's too bad it take 6 years. A month would be cool for me, but I know, the rule is at least a year. Well, I don't always follow rules, I know there is a reason for it, but a woman is not gonna bring me down. Nobody is. I'm headed for success. I know it, because of all I've been doing to insure it. And it has been overwhelming and I've been doing a lot to insure my Sobriety. Loneliness is a b*tch. It would be nice to have a relationship again. I've been common lawed five times, I have a four and five year itch.
But now since I'm older, 54, getting healthy, looking better, getting good responses from everybody I meet. Something will happen soon, I know it. It's just my sexual drive has been nil for a while, now it's starting to blossom like a poppy. I don't care where I meet my soulmate, maybe at my pain groups, maybe at AA, maybe at Walmart, who knows. It's gonna happen, because I'm on the ball again. I know there is another thread for that discussion, but this has to do with 13 stepping, so it belongs here.

Good Karma
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Unread 08-04-2010, 08:50 AM   #38
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I've lived in the Springs from 1960-65, and from 1978-2010.

I tried to get back on the Methadone Clinic. Because in 2007 I made a complaint against the doctor of the clinic in 2007 to the Colorado Board of Medical Examiners, they had a meeting and told me I couldn't get on the clinic because they felt I was not appropriate because of the action I took against the doctor



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I've lived in the Springs from 1960-65, and from 1978-2010.

I tried to get back on the Methadone Clinic. Because in 2007 I made a complaint against the doctor of the clinic in 2007 to the Colorado Board of Medical Examiners, they had a meeting and told me I couldn't get on the clinic because they felt I was not appropriate because of the action I took against the doctor

Quote:
I tried to get back on the Methadone Clinic. Because in 2007 I made a complaint against the doctor of the clinic in 2007 to the Colorado Board of Medical Examiners, they had a meeting and told me I couldn't get on the clinic because they felt I was not appropriate because of the action I took against the doctor.
Oh brother, see what happens when we try to do the right thing? I looked up a doctor at a clinic I was on and found out HE HAD NO LICENSE TO PRACTICE IT HAD BEEN SUSPENDED. And I found out why. I informed the clinic staff that he was NOT TO TOUCH ME, SEE ME OR SPEAK WITH ME, because I knew about him and what he did. They tried everything to throw me off, but they couldn't because I had the SMA behind me at every turn. I did the right thing. They wanted to punish, well screw them. He has no business being on the staff of the clinic. He had no business touching ANYONE. And when the alert for LAAM (sp) came out, he wanted to keep it quiet. I told him if he did not post it I would, then I called the state from my car. He hated himself, so he took it out on people who were trying to get better. One of the other doctors received the Nyswander (again sp) award for his research into proper dosing, the patients were not allowed to even say good morning to him, so I made sure we became friendly and had a very good working relationship. He finally got so angry with the director he quit. He is an amazing, wonderful man. Advocating for people who need it can become very difficult, it's hard work and most times we win, and clinics, especially funded ones hate us for it. And we can become VERY VERY ADAMANT ABOUT WHAT WE DO. Pushy if you will.
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Unread 08-04-2010, 12:01 PM   #39
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I don't know why, but everybody is scared to do anything who goes to the clinic. I could inform the State what they are doing, but then I be in the sh*thouse possibly with other doctors. I'm gonna keep a low profile, and counsel a person who wants to know how to correct things.

But I am so thrilled I am not on methadone and got on Suboxone. Coming off Suboxone is a little uncomfortable, even jumping off on pieces, but nothing at all like the methadone detox I went through. I could file a complaint under: "Patient abandonment". I guess a doctor can not just abandon you.

It's been raining like crazy right around 3pm - 4pm until it lets up, then the next day the sun comes up and it is so humid and hot I get soaked whether it rains or not.

I'm going to the noon AA meeting today and get my 30 day chip. Gotta go to Walmart and get a USB cord, so I'll stop in on the way back. I need to meet some other people. I rode my bike everywhere yesterday, and I know I'm burning a ton of calories, but it's hard getting rid of that belly fat from stress. Is there a thread about weight loss? Just curious.

Good Karma
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Unread 08-04-2010, 12:10 PM   #40
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Originally Posted by Salgoud View Post
Wow, that's too bad it take 6 years. A month would be cool for me, but I know, the rule is at least a year. Well, I don't always follow rules, I know there is a reason for it, but a woman is not gonna bring me down. Nobody is. I'm headed for success. I know it, because of all I've been doing to insure it. And it has been overwhelming and I've been doing a lot to insure my Sobriety. Loneliness is a b*tch. It would be nice to have a relationship again. I've been common lawed five times, I have a four and five year itch.
But now since I'm older, 54, getting healthy, looking better, getting good responses from everybody I meet. Something will happen soon, I know it. It's just my sexual drive has been nil for a while, now it's starting to blossom like a poppy. I don't care where I meet my soulmate, maybe at my pain groups, maybe at AA, maybe at Walmart, who knows. It's gonna happen, because I'm on the ball again. I know there is another thread for that discussion, but this has to do with 13 stepping, so it belongs here.

Good Karma
AAAWWW!!! You'll meet someone, don't you fret! My hubby is 55, I am 44. We have been married over three years. Yup, it took a while to meet the right one, but its when your NOT looking you find it!! And you will! And that's right, don't let anyone bring you down. You have worked toooooo hard to get where your at, and oneday you'll will share that success with another. It'll happen!! And hey, lots of cute ladies at Walmart....lol!!! Good luck to you. JNJ
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Unread 08-05-2010, 05:45 PM   #41
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Default Salgoud whew !

Hi there Sal, Julnjer, Darkeyes, and anyone else in this thread.

Jeepers, Sal you hadn't posted in awhile and I started getting scared for you, cause the last post you were talking about some pretty sad stuff..I prayed hard, and I was so happy to see you back....good boy! I can say that cause I'm older than you.... I guess you got back on just when my computer went buns up...could log in, try and post, then get this non responsive message, and then die on me....anyway I took it in but with long wknd coming up, well I just got it back today...so I'm soooo glad you did not fall off the wagon, nor did I.

So you were a baby newfie, sounds real mysterious what your dad did...My dad is very close to the end 87...he's in the hospital again, maybe his last time...That man has surived 3 kinds of cancer, bladder, kidney, & prostate, several strokes, heart problems, and he's diabetic....and now they want to test for leukemia...are they nuts...he couldn't survive chemo...just let the guy be. All he has been saying for months is he wants to go to sleep and not wake up. He & my mom were married 63 yrs...she died 3 yrs ago...But it sounds like your dad is still healthy ohter than the pnuemonia. I hope you make it out to see him.

I have had a couple of really good converstations with my eldest sister this last week. When I got addicted I just pulled away...I was so in my own world, and I know in my heart I was angry with her for having the perfect life, I admit it...plain old jealousy...I was too rebellious in too many ways to keep anything too permanent in my life, except my daughters, and now my wee grandchildren 2, 7 months in the belly, ...but now I am just turning to God everyday, and doing what I need to to be reunited with those I love...my family. Still no showings on my house so I called the agent today and I'm lowering the price again, and she is going to make a push on it....just can't live out here alone anymore..this is my only recovery support tool, for talk right now, and I know I need more. With my computer gone for a week, it was hard....no skyping my grandson....life is too short.... I guess what I am saying is I know I have to extend the olive branch to everyone in my family, sisters and my brother, nieces and nephews....maybe Sal you can too....Maybe your sister in law sees your brother in you, and now that you are in recovery, it just makes her hurt that her husband couldn't make it....life is so hard. Send the good karma to her...I've been hearing so many awesome awesome stories lately of people who prayed for others they didn't particularly even like, and how by doing that this big love welled up inside them for those people... sorry getting off track here...God is Love...

I've some wicked head aches though, and who knows what that is..convinced it's the sub, but my doctor says no, migraines and prescribed me some very expensive $18./pill migraine med...and is sending a letter into my prov drug plan for coverage...hope they help.

So good for you Sal getting out to meetings and I bet your legs are getting like rocks from all the bike riding...

It's been so hot and still humid here too.....

Anyway It's too hot to type now. I got all sweaty just plugging everything back in. Just wanted to do a quick post to let you guys know I had not fallen off...I think it's 8 weeks down, or maybe 9...I guess it's a good thing when you stop counting...

positive energy and good support

W2BF
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Unread 08-05-2010, 09:24 PM   #42
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I guess everyone's experience is different. Even if you don't go to a huge amount of meetings, I would suggest getting some books from them. If you're not in to the steps, there are great ones like "Just for Today" that really help. My first meeting was luckily a good one. I went to some bad ones, too. Ones that made me want to never go back again. But I did, and I found a couple groups that I like. I don't have a sponsor or anything yet. But I would like to get one. I just am nervous about asking.
I'm gonna be thirty days clean on the 10th, and I'm happy about that.
I don't pay any attention to people that would judge me for using Suboxone. When I'm there I try to be self centered. Not in a mean way, but in a way that I only take in what is good for me. I don't know if that makes sense or not....
Anyway...switching to generic subutex next week. It will cost half of what I'm paying for my suboxone right now. And I'll go from weekly visits to bi-weekly visits.
Good luck to everyone, and if anyone has any experience switching from suboxone to subutex, please let me know?
Thanks
Jackie
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Unread 08-06-2010, 01:37 AM   #43
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Default 30 day chip

Want2BFree, Julnjer, Darkeyes, and Jackie30

I got my 30 day chip yesterday. There was about 10 people who got chips that day. So the moderator (or what ever they call them), wanted the chip receivers to share. Well, I shared first, then I did again. Hell, I could talk during the whole meeting.

I've been clean for 40 days, and I too, am scared to ask for a sponsor so soon. I think I'll wait till 60 days and find someone I can relate to. Someone older and wiser.

My sister-in-law called me 10 minutes ago and wants me to go to the Friday night group at 7:30 PM. She said, if you're sober I'll take you. I thought, what!!!! She's been sober for 4years and 14 years before a relapse after my brother killed himself. She doesn't have a sponsor or works the steps, but she prays everyday and God is her sponsor, I guess. She's a couselor and runs groups where she live and her other brother-in-law is in ICU, clogged arteries, so she's been busy.

Of course I've been sober, what a thing to ask. She doesn't trust me yet, that's the deal. My Higher Power is Jesus, God, Buddha, Confucius, various Hindu God's (they have a God for everyday of the week). The Universe and it's vastness, mystery and beauty is also my higher power.

Anything that promotes goodness, love and caring for each other is fine with me. I have a hard time with Christianity, not that it isn't a fantastic religion, but I really don't believe in hell or heaven. I've made my hell on earth, when I die and disintergrate to dust our atoms will all be intermingled. We will all be together.

I was watching some TV for a little while, and they say the body has 100 times more cells than stars in the Milky Way. I thought that was wild. We got something on our Galaxy.

Yea, I was a Newfie Boy, and had many Newfie friends (from the videos my Dad took while I was growing up.) When I see my Mom, I get pretty sad, she was so beautiful and wonderful. Why do people have to suffer so much in their final years. God is a great God, but he can be cruel. But one thing he says is: "The Body is the Temple of the Lord", treat it well. That one I'm following. If we treat others well and ourselves well we will live with the Hindu, Good Karma.

I'm going to a Natural Pain Clinic (use biofeedback, relaxation technique, and in Sept I go to four pain groups with others who are stricken with pain like me. I got up to 219, and I weighed myself yesterday, and I'm at 205. Guess riding the bike helps. Helps with endorphins too, cause I'm a thrill seeker and like to go fast. Anyway, my backs killin' me so "Nighty Night, Sleep Tight, Don't let the Bed Bugs Bite."

Sleep well

And Jackie30, Subutex and Suboxone make me feel the same. 2% of Naloxone getting in my system might help with the tolerance. But if I had my choice I'd take Subutex.

PS: Darkeyes, there was this chick who had a skirt on and kept lifting her legs. God, it was a delightful site. It's OK to look, right.
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Unread 08-06-2010, 09:05 AM   #44
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You might consider a temporary sponsor until you find a permanent one. Procrastination can lead to never getting a sponsor. Often, if you just mention that you are looking, someone will come to you!
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Unread 08-06-2010, 09:55 AM   #45
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I will definitly do that, Tom. I've only shared at one meeting. And it was one of the horrible ones that made me want to never go back. I really need a meeting today, but the only one around today is at the horrible place. It's a different night, (last time I went on a Tuesday) so maybe there will be a different chairperson and it will be better. It's not at the place that I want to be my home group. But it will have to do, I guess. (How does that work anyway, do you have to sign up to make it your home group or something? Just wondering.)
I'm craving that whole "here but not here" feeling pretty bad right now. Luckily I've changed my people places & things, so I would have to make a small amount of actual effort to get them.
So anyway, I'm gonna drag my behind to a meeting tonight for sure and let it out.
Thanks for letting me vent.
-Jackie30
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Unread 08-06-2010, 10:37 AM   #46
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Default We have free will Sal

Morning all,

Sal just commenting on this paragraph you wrote. I really hope you don't mind me doing this... just to make conversation. I'm so proud of you. I picture you peddling around on your bike like a mad thing, going here and there, up and down the mountains. It is so amazing to me too to think how complex our bodies are...all the cells, and all the atoms in the cells..they are so smart, they know what to do...I believe we can have a mind connection to how they reproduce into healthy cells. Since our bodies are completely new every 7 years, why do unhealthy cells have to come back as unhealthy..why can't we control them to become for us and not against us...Love I believe is the creative force.

Good for you loosing weight, you just keep feeling better. I"m trying to do the same thing, but I can't ride a bike..maybe I could but I don't have one. I'm using the pool...I've lost about 5-7lbs. I need to loose 20 more. It's real hard cause I did quit smoking 2 weeks ago, using the patch, so I want to shove something in my mouth. I sip coffee all day, and drink 7-8 glasses of water between. When I get that feeling of being empty, I need something I get my coffee, sit down, deep breath, and it gets me through.

Sal wrote,

God is a great God, but he can be cruel. But one thing he says is: "The Body is the Temple of the Lord", treat it well. That one I'm following. If we treat others well and ourselves well we will live with the Hindu, Good Karma.

Maybe this belongs in the Spiritual Thread, but I wanted to make sure you saw it...... God is a good God, God is Love, the horrible things that happen in this world are not His doing. He gave man free will to choose. He didn't make us like robots who had to worship Him. Sometimes we unknowingly run towards, or get pushed towards things that will break us apart. Through prayer God can miraculously heal us or strengthen our spirits to be able to handle whatever life throws at us. Look we are here, getting better. God sees you Doug and everyone, and hears the cry in your heart that you want what is good and beautiful, and you can get it. That is what faith is. The definition of faith in the Bible is so cool...It says "faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen " The spirit is tangible in it's own way, but it cannot be understood by science as we know it. You are a man of science and I too studied science in university, and it was when I understood the law of "entropy", that I then knew there had to be a creative force behind it all or we would, and everything in the universe would just fall apart. By becoming addicts we did open a door for such darkness to get in and disturb our spirit, break it so to speak..drugs were our false god.... If we use creative power to keep replacing that darkness with light, new good things, at some point the good will displace all the darkness, and we will be beings of light.... Ah ha...something to mull over with a cuppa coffee. Sorry don't mean to preach, I'm probably preaching more to myself than anything... Being single and not having a sig other to pump us up we can help each ohter here...I was thinking of starting a thread for singles support. I started a Christian one, but that didn't create a stir, but then I was away for a week.

I so believe in Heaven. There has to be more to us than just this body and mind...and it is our spirit that goes on. It is not made up of matter, so it can't disintegrate...

Be blessed today everyone...hold tight to the good in this world, and run from any thought, people, situation that can pull us back...

Deb
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Unread 08-06-2010, 05:30 PM   #47
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Hello Everyone,

I have been following this thread for awhile and I really think its great! I too have been going to meetings lately. I have been on suboxone for 5 months now and had a short 5 day relapse 26 days ago, but went right back on subs after. I was in a really bad place for a long time and since begining NA I really feel I am on the right path now. It is amazing how much I {WE} have in common and how much we can help each other.

I to have not found or asked for a sponser every time I go to a meeting I plan on asking someone, but end up chickening out. I have been wondering if any of you have begun writing your steps? I have a few questions reguarding them, and really don't want to ask them in a face to face.

Anyway I just wanted to say I really like the thread as I truely feel without NA I would not be in the place {Mentally} where I am today. Suboxone, for me helps completly with the w/ds but my cravings a intense.

SALGOD CONGRADULATIONS ON YOUR 30 DAYS I HAVE 4 MORE DAYS! GOOD LUCK!!!
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Unread 08-06-2010, 07:10 PM   #48
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Smile Sorry Sal & everyone for getting off track

Thought I should add that...Gesh I re-read my post and if that doesn't sound like preaching I don't know what does...sorry

Jpotts,

Way to go for jumping back up on the wagon and taking control of your life. Please please please don't beat up on yourself for that slip. It wasn't a relapse it was a slip. Not to make excuses but a relapse IMO is when your slip turns into weeks, months or years... It does make for concern your intense craving. We know the suboxone takes care of all physical cravings, and I thought they pretty well took care of the mental ones too. That has been my experience, but I also found as soon as I started to think about it with any desire attached I came here, and read posts...and I would get so angry at drugs, and how much destruction they have caused in everyones lives here..and everyone who is out there in agony over the hell they are still in. Then I try and make myself feel very very grateful, and start saying thank you God that suboxone is available, and that I can get it, and it is working....I find the more gratitude I have for the suboxone and how much it has helped me, and all those I have come to care about here, You are included in that Jpotts, I can't wait to learn more about you, the more I hate drugs.

Addiction is much more than the physical symptoms, and it's so important during this time of treament we develop new ways of viewing things. I'm really happy for you that you are getting out to meetings. I live in a very rural area of Nova Scotia and there is just one AA group that meets, and it's just too politically hot for me to go at this time. I am really trying hard to get my house sold and move to where I will have access to outside help. I do spend a lot of time thinking about new ways of thinking. I have found Mike's posts to be so awesome re his views on us, each one of us, taking responsibility for our actions. Doing the work of finding the help we need to change our behaviour. Thanks Mike!

So JP it sounds like you are taking a good step in that direction, hurray! Anything that works. I'm looking forward to getting to know more about you, and I'd be so happy to support you in anyway I can.

Stay Strong
Deb
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Unread 08-07-2010, 08:33 AM   #49
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I want to be my home group. But it will have to do, I guess. (How does that work anyway, do you have to sign up to make it your home group or something? Just wondering.)
-Jackie30
Picking your home group is very informal, very much like saying you are an addict: say you are, and that is it. Picking a home group is really just a commitment to yourself to stick with one meeting regularly. Often that can involve going to group consciousness meetings or just helping a bit with keeping the meeting going. In the groups I've been in, most folks don't make any announcement, they just do it. My old home group kept a book where members entered their sobriety dates and celebrated birthdays. Like so many aspects of the program, the whole thing is more up to the individual and is for their benefit.
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Unread 08-07-2010, 12:30 PM   #50
Salgoud
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Default Let me look at your eyes, you've been doing pills!

I hate to say it, but my sister-in-law not only doesn't like that I am succeeding, but she actually hates me. She said it while we were riding to the small group AA we go to on Friday.

I shared twice, got another 30 day chip and she was just steaming. When she shared I got up to get a cup of coffee.

I told everybody, that this room is just where we meet. The real work happens when we get out and meet with our sponsor and work the steps. To me the steps is just a way to confess to another my wrongs, and the amends reminds me of confession to the one I had done the wrongs to.

Hell, I don't need her to accuse me of fall accusations. I stayed up till 4:30 AM working on a rug shampooer I got out of hock, from a junkie. He got $50 for it, I paid $62. It worked good for 20 minutes and then just crapped on me. Then I made two trips to the laundry mat to do laundry. Of course I'm tired, I'm exhausted and my eyes may look tired. I tell you, some people just don't give anyone the benefit of the doubt. I'm going to the noon meeting to discuss it today without her ofcourse.

I think a singles thread would be fastastic for this Newfie boy. I can scan and send pictures, wow I'm really learning this computer crap.

As far as Linda, my sister-in-law, I follow "Be thine true to yourself." (Something like that). It's my Dead Mom's birthday today, so I'm going to the cemetary to put some roses on her gave. Man, I hate being alone. I'm just crying right now, from lack of sleep, from arrogant assholes like Linda, my mom's birthday and she isn't here. I'm so sad right now. But I will snap out of it and succeed, with AA, counseling, my deep deep desire, and my will to be good to others no matter who they are.

Good Karma, and have a good Saturday.

P.S.- Deb, work on that singles thread, it would be a good addition to this Web site
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