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Unread 03-20-2012, 06:39 AM   #1
TwinMom
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Smile Somebody to Love

As I sit here, 6 months sober and 29 days free of Suboxone, I finally found somebody to love...me

For over 3 years, I would sit at night and send down a wish and I'd send up a prayer, that someone,
Anyone would see how much I cared. The only variable that put up those walls, was the pills.

So, I decided to embark on this "Mission Impossible", charged hell with a water gun and came out on
The other side. Granted, not unscathed but, alive and happy to be living again.

I had so many "somebodies" here, this entire time, waiting for me to love them, like I used to. It's so
Bizarre but, I wasn't capable of loving again until, I loved myself again.

Fate dealt me one better! When I figured out how to love again, I was given the unconditional,
Never ending love from my 2 precious children I already have AND the bonus of 2 more beautiful
Babies on the way!

So, I stare at the strongest woman I've ever met, scars and all, in the mirror everyday now and
believe again.....well, honestly I just believe again.

Crazy how you cant see the light at the end of the tunnel until it is totally dark where you are...

Grateful, Loved, Alive and Still Shocked This Is Me
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Unread 03-20-2012, 07:29 AM   #2
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Hi TwinMom, what a beautifully powerful post. Thank you!

Congratulations on your newly found love for yourself and your new life!
You deserve the best life has to offer.

Nancy
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Unread 03-20-2012, 05:51 PM   #3
kellennn
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Ha, you know it would be an understatement to say I can relate, right? Yeah, you know. It's truly a wonderful thing that once you get sober, you have your life gift-wrapped right back to you, overnight, air-mail style, and ironically right after the most violent tribulation of your life. It's like there's this little, beautifully wrapped package waiting at your door the day you give up drugs. And it's so small, you'd hardly think there was anything in it.

But then, you open it, and it's like Marry Poppin's, so unbelievable full of so much goodness and happiness and your instantly struck by how small you convinced yourself this little package was. Suddenly it's huge, filled with everything you've ever loved, every hobby you've ever indulged, every friendship you've ever had. These are the things you have been missing.

And they are all given back to you, in an instant, even though you feel so undeserving of them - and probably you are. I am.

I dunno, that's how it is for me anyway Stick with it darling! Our days tick by very near one another. 38 here!!
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Unread 03-22-2012, 07:26 PM   #4
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Thanks Nancy I hope someone out there will read it & realize it IS possible to love yourself again!

Kellennn, I had to lol when I read your Mary Poppins bag description. How true, how true. Everyday it's a new gift.

Seen my counselor today & it's so cool to not talk about the past! I'm no longer dwelling on the past It's such a
different focus now. I'm no longer self centered in my recovery, now my goal it's outreach.

Still trying to figure out how I can apply the whole package of RN and former opiate addict into the best job for me.

But, I'm 6+ months sober, 33 days off Suboxone, parenting my 2 wonderful children and incubating 2 sweet twinfants.
So, I'm thinking I've got a pretty good job for now.

Just know, that if a weak woman, in her 30's, single mom with 2 kids can get sober
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Unread 03-22-2012, 07:32 PM   #5
TwinMom
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Then anyone, yes even you, can so do it.....probably better than I

So, even if you have to wake up in the middle of the night to a needle, a line, a pipe or a pill, know that there are
some out there who were waaaaaayyyy worse off than you are that beat it. Epic style. And you will too

So, resurrect yourself and start living
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Unread 03-27-2012, 03:12 PM   #6
kellennn
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Thank you thank you thank you for turning me on to Florence and the Machine! I made a long post in my thread about how much I love it and it has helped me.

Please, check it out! Hope all is well for you darling!
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Unread 03-28-2012, 10:00 PM   #7
TwinMom
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Youre quite welcome love.

The song was written about a woman who beat alcoholism & depression. Love it.

Good running song too

I'm doing good, just low energy & headaches but, thats more the twin pregnancy than PAWS at this point.

Found out Saturday, were having one boy & one girl. Too perfect. So happy They are beautiful!

Over 40 days off sub, over 6 months clean. I go days without even thinking about pills, except for vitamins, lol.

It's pretty amazing to have so much to look forward to, theres no need in looking back.

So glad my rearview mirror is much smaller than my windshield

Don't let the speed limit slow you down now!

Stay sober, be happy & get out there & live life love
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Unread 03-29-2012, 01:53 PM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TwinMom View Post
Youre quite welcome love.

The song was written about a woman who beat alcoholism & depression. Love it.

Good running song too

I'm doing good, just low energy & headaches but, thats more the twin pregnancy than PAWS at this point.

Found out Saturday, were having one boy & one girl. Too perfect. So happy They are beautiful!

Over 40 days off sub, over 6 months clean. I go days without even thinking about pills, except for vitamins, lol.

It's pretty amazing to have so much to look forward to, theres no need in looking back.

So glad my rearview mirror is much smaller than my windshield

Don't let the speed limit slow you down now!

Stay sober, be happy & get out there & live life love
I'm so glad you're doing good. I've met so many people I forgot our days ticked so close! I'm so glad you're sharing in this unique feeling with me. I've talked to few people who are, so many that want to be, and so many that can hardly even relate. I'm glad you're in that first group.

Truly an inspiration! Also, I'm going to see Florence live in 30 days!

I can't believe I'm so lucky. I wrote about it as a response to your posty-post in my thread. Forgot I didn't mention that in the original update!
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Unread 03-31-2012, 11:01 AM   #9
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Day 42, funny how I lost count for a while. I guess its good bc I'm not worried about it anymore.

I've chalked any minor residual symptoms to being abnormally hormonal. But, I'm happy and healthy.

I do wish I could find the energy to walk. Being pregnant with the twins leaves me so short of breath. I've never had
A resting heart trate over 100. I miiiiiiss running!

I treat myself to a cup of coffee every morning to get me going. Funny how thats my morning fix, lol.

I so feel the difference in good vitamins, lots of water & healthy food. I've only gained 5 lbs and I'm 18 weeks along. Eating its still kinda tough.

I don't know if its just me but, I'm still fighting the bowel funk. I would've thought that would resolve itself by now?

So, over the last 3 months, I put down Zoloft, then cigarettes, then Sub. I'm so proud that I was able to do it for my babies but, it ended up benefitting me in the long run.

I don't have to take anything to sleep at night, not even OTC. My pain is controlled (for the most part) with OTC Tylenol, Motrin or Asprin 1x day.

I'm loving this whole not being dependant on ANY medications. I literally kissed my pharmacist goodbye (hes elderly and I so love him)! I only see him to pick up more vitamins Hes so proud of me.

I spoke with my exhusband yesterday. The last time he seen me, I don't even remember it, I was so twisted. We both cleared the air and we both apologized for our past mistakes. He is even proud of me. My ex! It means a lot when people see such a big positive change in you.

It all just makes me want to help another person on their journey to recovery. We don't have narcotic support meetings in my town and I'm trying to research the prerequisites to starting a chapter. Don't you have to be sober a year?

Sorry to be so long winded, I just have a lot to say :P

Have a great weekend lovelies!
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Unread 04-13-2012, 10:45 AM   #10
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Good morning my sober friends

Just wanted to check in with you guys. Let ya know I'm still kicking it.

Day 55 here off Suboxone. Coming up on 7 months clean on the 16th.

Still going to see my counselor every month. Feeling less & less need to go. But, sticking with it.

Twin pregnancy progressing well. 19 weeks down, 17 weeks to go.

Feeling zero lingering withdrawals or PAWS. I'm sleeping well, with the exception of pregnancy symptoms. I laugh a lot now, I'm quicker to speak & my sense of humor is back with a vengeance. Quite the prankster. Still kinda moody but, it's all hormonal, nothing to blame Sub for.

I'm such a big advocate of Suboxone for treatment of opiate addiction in conjunction with competent therapy through an addictionologist. It paved a feesable way for me to physically & mentally function while gaining back life skills through sobriety.

My passion has always been Emergency Medicine as far as my nursing career goes. My passion has involved into Addiction Emergency Medication. I'm looking forward to getting back to work after the twins are born. I'm searching for the perfect job, to fulfill a passion for a discipline that literally saved my life.....and allowed me to nurture 2 brand new lives on the way.

Good luck to everyone reading & thanks so much for your continued support. I draw so much strength from all of you, at all stages of recovery!

Stay strong loves
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Unread 04-13-2012, 01:21 PM   #11
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Hi TwinMom, congratulations on 55 days and almost 6 months. I'm glad to hear you're feeling well physically and emotionally and you're laughing alot.

That's great that you found a new calling in your nursing career. I think you'll do fabulously and I wish you all the best in finding that perfect job.

Please do keep us posted on how you're doing - especially with the twins. That is so exciting and great to know your pregnancy is going well.

Thanks for a great post - it surely will inspire people!

Nancy
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Unread 05-02-2012, 11:57 AM   #12
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Quick update.

I had to count back but, it's been over 2.5 months since I took my last dose of Suboxone. I've been sober from all rx medications 7.5 months now.

I'm feeling zero lingering withdrawals, no cravings, no PAWS, no permanent brain damage from all the opiates either, including Suboxone. My cognition is great, in fact, I almost get ahead of myself.

Just a recommendation to anyone on this "Suboxone Taper Journey," be kind to your body and taper lower than 2mg/day before you jump. I'd recommend going down to 0.5mg or 0.25 mg/day. I had mild withdrawal symptoms but, I couldve gotten away with close to zero if I had've done a slower, lower taper.

Twins are good. 22 weeks now, just 14 more weeks til they're "twin term" which is August 10th. So, I'll be able to hold my twin babies on my sober birthday September 16th. A very happy mommy here.

Life is Good,
Mel
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Unread 05-02-2012, 03:36 PM   #13
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I have followed your posts just recently and I wanted to thank you for taking the time to explain the taper "journey". I am just starting out on sub. coming from methadone(I am at 2wks today of sub.) and I am still not feeling great, slight leg pain and my mental state is a wreck but according to my dr this is normal for people coming of methadone. Meth. stays in your system so long, I am told to give it a month to feel 100% again, I am not in withdrawal but like I said I am still not where I'd like to be. I am inpatient, like alot of addicts I want instant results! But your posts give me hope and the desire to keep going, you have helped so much!! You are like a blessing and I cannot express how much you have helped me, sorry to ramble! Congrats on the twins, you are so strong as I dont think I could have done what you are doing. I am going to be 33 in july and I hear my "clock" ticking(lol), I want a child someday and you also give me hope that I can have one someday if I can taper like you did. Thank you again, Brandi
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Unread 05-02-2012, 06:57 PM   #14
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Hi Brandi!

You're so sweet! I am soooooo proud of you for making the switch to Suboxone from Methadone! It's so much easier to dose and you will find that it's easier to gain back those life skills on Suboxone too. 2 weeks into treatment is awesome!

I stayed on Suboxone for 5 months and I didn't decrease my dose until I was stable on the current dose for 30 days. Each month I decreased my dose. I started at 16mg/day the 1st month, 12mg/day 2nd month, 8mg/day 3rd month, 4mg/day 4th month & 2mg/day 5th & last month.

Like I said, I would recommend a lower taper before you jump, wait 30 days in between dose reductions. Most Addictionologists recommend you stay on Suboxone at least 6 months to be treated successfully. Some less & some more. I think some people really should be on it long term if they need it. To each his own.

I started on a decently high dose but, compared to the junk I was doing, I still struggled with feeling icky the first month (much like you). You'll start feeling better sometime this 3rd week when you stabilize.

Are you going to counseling? Support meetings? How about your living situation/friend network? Are they stable, sober & supportive?

Good luck and many prayers!
Mel
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Unread 05-03-2012, 06:33 AM   #15
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Hi Mel, good to 'see' you. I'm glad you and the twins are doing well. 14 more weeks, that's exciting. It will go by in the blink of an eye.

Thanks for checking back and for the great advice and inspiration; I'm very happy for you!

Nancy
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Unread 05-03-2012, 02:20 PM   #16
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TwinMom View Post
Quick update.

I had to count back but, it's been over 2.5 months since I took my last dose of Suboxone. I've been sober from all rx medications 7.5 months now.

I'm feeling zero lingering withdrawals, no cravings, no PAWS, no permanent brain damage from all the opiates either, including Suboxone. My cognition is great, in fact, I almost get ahead of myself.

Just a recommendation to anyone on this "Suboxone Taper Journey," be kind to your body and taper lower than 2mg/day before you jump. I'd recommend going down to 0.5mg or 0.25 mg/day. I had mild withdrawal symptoms but, I couldve gotten away with close to zero if I had've done a slower, lower taper.

Twins are good. 22 weeks now, just 14 more weeks til they're "twin term" which is August 10th. So, I'll be able to hold my twin babies on my sober birthday September 16th. A very happy mommy here.

Life is Good,
Mel
What an encouraging heart felt thread. I am truly glad to hear you have the found the courage to stick it out and make it to the other side.
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Unread 05-09-2012, 08:42 PM   #17
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Hey Guys,

Rough news today. I just needed to vent, ask for support, prayers, good energy, fairy dust, anything...

My ex, my childrens father, filed for custody of my 2 children earlier this year after I voluntarily checked myself into detox & rehab. There was never any abuse or neglect in our home. The court appointed guardian (attorney involved for the best interest of the children) has been very supportive of my decision to not continue to take any rx narcotics, even through I have multiple diagnosis that would warrant such.

I've been sober since September 16th, almost 8 months now. I just got the call today that the preliminary recommendation states that the guardian cannot make a decision without further investigation into our medical records. We have court ordered mediation at the end of the month and her final recommendation has to be in by then.

I suppose I just trusted that me getting sober, on my own will, for my kids would be the best thing. It turns out that is the only thing they can use against me in court. Had I chose to remain on my rx narcotics, there wasn't a thing that could be used against me. Since by admitting myself voluntarily into detox/rehab, that "proves" that I had a problem.

If I had known then, what I knew now, I would've never took the time out for myself to get sober. In some ways, I wonder if I did the right thing for my kids. I couldn't imagine my life without my children. Every good thing I've done since they were born, I did for them.

Very hard to be excited about the twins on the way when I still have to worry about keeping the 2 children I have. I wonder if this is how God is going to judge my past, by taking my future.

Need your support. Thanks for listening.
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Unread 05-10-2012, 09:51 AM   #18
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Hello TwinMom, I sure am sorry that your ex is causing all this anxiety for you. Do you have an attorney who is working with you on this? It can be tough to try to navigate through family court by yourself.

You absolutely did the right thing for your children by getting yourself squared away. Had you stayed on the rx narcotics your life, and theirs, would have surely not been good. An ex can use any medication misuse as a cause for custody changes. In your case you will be able to show the judge that you have faced your 'problem" and actively participated in a recovery program.

I would think your ex would have to show with documented evidence how he can provide a better environment for the children than you can right now. If you have primary custody it is really tough to get that changed-the court has to see some real damage to the children because of your "neglect", etc. Your record since your rehab will be important because it is current and the court will be able to see the progress you have made and are continuing with.

Your attorney will be the best to go over all of this with you. The attorney will help you with what information you need to document.

I sure understand the feelings that you have now. Custody battles are so terrible because one never knows what the court will decide. But you are doing the best thing you can for your two children, you are leading an addiction free life and focusing on the future. Hopefully the mediation will go ok and a resolution can be settled on.

If it does go to court do you have professionals, friends, family, who will be willing to testify about the way you spend time with your two children? Focus on the positive-and don't ever think that getting sober was the wrong thing to do.

I am sorry that you are having to go through this mess-hope you have good legal advice and just try your best to keep on doing the right thing for yourself, your two children, and the twins!

nan
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Unread 05-10-2012, 12:53 PM   #19
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Hi Mel, I completely agree with nan - you did the right thing, don't second guess yourself! You've said how much better you feel and think and you're present for your kids.

I don't know much about the court system, but I'm sending positive thoughts that you keep your children.

Please keep us updated when you can. And please post if you need to just vent, rant and rave, ok? We're here for you.

Nancy
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Unread 05-10-2012, 04:01 PM   #20
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Hey guys,

I give up. I've tried 3 times to respond to your comments & everytime I get a phone call which erases my entire post. I'll try to respond better tonight when my phone isn't ringing off the hook.

Thanks Nan, yes I do have an attorney. It was a necessity.

Thank you for your support Nancy. I'll be in touch.

Mel
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Unread 05-12-2012, 07:28 AM   #21
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Hi Mel, just checking in to see how you're doing. Let us know when you can.

Nancy
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Unread 05-14-2012, 09:35 AM   #22
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Hello All,

Rough last few days. Slept maybe 6 hours all weekend. Forcing myself to eat but, still not taking in enough calories. My body was really starting to shut down. I have never experienced anxiety during pregnancy. It's the worst feeling, wanting to take care of myself enough to grow the twins but, my mind just kept racing, worrying, fretting and contemplating my next legal move for the kids.

Mothers Day was bittersweet. I realized that it could be the last one I spent with my kids living at home. I tried my best to not focus on what's coming up and just focus on the here and now. The kids were precious. They made me gifts & bought me flowers. We had a really great evening too.

I slept well last night with the aid of a Benadryl tablet. I was getting delerious on such little sleep. Woke up feeling better, ate well and am trying to focus on the variables I can control regarding my kids instead of the things I can't control.

My 14 y/o son wrote an affidavit for the courts, stating that he does not want to go live with his Dad, he doesn't want to change schools and he has a job here. The guardian involved still has to speak with the childrens teachers and school administrators, all of which I have met with this year. The kids have also done really well this year in school. They exceeded all standardized testing.

The guardian has to finish her custody recommendation by the mediation date at the end of the month. She has to finish the references and meet with my ex, my children & myself again before then too. The next two weeks will be very stressful.

In corner, my ex has been chronically behind on child sport & medical bills for over 5 years (to the tune now of over $10k) so, its a big concern if he would be able to afford supporting the kids and continue their medical, psychiatric & orthodontic care. Plus he doesn't "believe" in medication or psychiatry due to religious reasons.

So many diferrent aspects to the situation. I'm just trying to stay focused on the kids and trust that my motives and my mothering will prove to be enough to keep raising them.

Thanks so much for your support & listening ears,
Please continue to pray for me and the kids,
Mel
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Unread 05-14-2012, 10:58 AM   #23
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Hi Mel, Yes, it is always stressful when our fate is put into the hands of the court system. It is always good to have a strong attorney that you can trust to guide you and your kids through this. At 14 yrs old it would seem that the court would certainly take into consideration the affidavit that your son wrote. Unfortunately, being behind in child support does not usually interfere with the courts wanting the children to spend time with that parent-ie, visitation time or parenting time. Changing the custody is another matter-generally custody arrangements are not modified unless the court determines that the best interests of the children would require a change in the physical custody. It takes a big something to change the physical custody usually-especially when the children are in their teens and it is a complete geographical change-which would involve changing schools, jobs, etc. Now as far as visitation, or parenting time, the courts generally want both parents to be involved in the childrens' lives unless there is danger to the children. So I guess it depends on what your current legal arrangement is and just exactly what your ex is asking for. On the medical front, if it can be shown that your ex would not continue with appropriate medical care for the children I would think the court certainly would pay attention to that!

Yes, I don't think anyone can understand just how much stress these court battles can cause folks. I am so sorry that it is causing you such physical problems.

If you have a good, strong attorney, and if the guardian ad litem is a good one, then you have done all you can for now. You are doing good to just focus on today and continue doing the things you have done with, and for, your children. No matter how much you worry it is not going to change anything. The whole court thing is just a very slow process and requires jumping through many hoops. Yes, it is stressful, but just continue taking it one day at a time and keeping in touch with your attorney. Find out whatever documentation of things you might need and get those things gathered up.

I am sorry to hear of what you have to face in the next couple of weeks. Heck, you can do it, look what all you have accomplished for yourself this past year. You are strong and your kids are thriving. Now, take care of your 2 little twins and take good care of yourself. We will be here to send you positive thoughts and give you support.

Keep us posted.

nan
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Unread 05-14-2012, 06:09 PM   #24
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Nan,

You are an angel and a walking legal encyclopedia too. You must have experience. Everything you said is spot on and came at a much needed time.

My Ob/Gyn is drafting a letter to the counsel involved stating that the undue stress has already caused premature labor at 20 weeks and insufficient weight gain resulting in SGA (small for gestational age) twins. I'm supposed to be up 24 lbs at 24 weeks and I'm barely up 10 lbs. Those assessments are provable & measurable. The anxiety & loss of sleep is subjective and I will have to draft my own affidavit. My boyfriend consulted with his own seperate attorney who advised the letter.

I live in Georgia and I'm sure the legal system is quite different here. The guardian had 60 days to wrap up our case and its now been over 120 days. We're looking to ask the judge to remove the order for a guardian so the burden of proof of "change in circumstance" would be on my ex. Not to mention, we already paid $1,500 and shes asking for $1k additional (which neither of us have).

I hope were doing the right thing so far. We will hire an additional attorney if we need more counsel & power. Please continue to pray for us.

Mel
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Unread 05-14-2012, 06:29 PM   #25
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Hi Mel, I'm so sorry that this is all happening, especially now with the twins. Please take care of yourself the best you possibly can so you can be strong for yourself and your family while working on keeping your children. I'm glad nan has so much information.

Keeping you in my thoughts.

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Unread 05-22-2012, 07:28 PM   #26
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Hi Mel, just wondering how you're doing. Let us know when you can.

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Unread 05-27-2012, 07:23 AM   #27
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Good Morning All,

I just wanted to give a quick update and let you know I'm doing okay. I'm sober & doing whatever I can to deal with this anxiety without any prescription medications. Not being able to sleep and eat is what I'm most struggling with at the moment. I'm 26 weeks along tomorrow and the twins have been very active, fighting for position. At my last doctors appointment, I was up 11 lbs at 23 weeks. I'm supposed to be up 25 lbs by 20 weeks, so I have a lot of work to do in the gaining department. The last ultrasound was reassuring as they could not find the heart abnormality in baby boy that they discovered the month before. Both babies were measuring at the same weight (1.1 lbs) and length. So, all in all, the babies are good. I just gotta work on getting mommy good again.

As far as my 2 children, they've been out of school for the summer since last Friday. They go to see their dad for summer visitation today. I'll find out Thursday at mediation how long that summer visitation wil be. The guardian ad litem comes out with her final recommendation Tuesday regarding the recommendation of custody which will dictate the negotiations at mediation Thursday. Her preliminary report stated that she had cause to consider recommending custody to both parties & that this was the most difficult case she has ever investigated.

There was prior physical abuse to my children from their father, the issue of mental abuse by him interrogating the children & neglect by him not ensuring the children had their asthma or psychiatric medications, nor supporting their medical/psychiatric care at all. Of course the allegations against me, their mom, is that I neglected my kids while being addicted to prescription medications for close to 2 years. There is nothing provable & measurable to substantiate this but, in my heart, I know my kids had their basic needs met while I was in the worst of my addiction last year. I will not argue that I could've been a better mother and more engaged in their lives.

I'm trying to focus on the here and now let the past go, which means my past, the past of my ex and the past of all the hurt to my children related to our divorce 6 years ago. My ex had an affair with my childhood best friend, got her pregnant and eventually married her after our divorce was final. I'm sure that hurt, coupled with my back injury at work, really fed into my addiction for a long time. It was at that time that my son had a psychotic break as well.

I can honestly say that the last 6 years have been the toughest I've ever heard of enduring in the emotional stress department. Coupled with working full time in a busy ER and going to school full time, I was able to endure some of the roughest times of my life. I have hope that I will too endure this and come out sober and healthy on the other side. I'm just trying to prepare myself for the worst, meaning losing custody of my kids but, at the same time pray for the best possible thing for my children, whatever that may be.

Sorry so wordy. I just needed to take the time to get it all out. Thank you all again for your support and simply listening. Any feedback would be welcome as I'm pretty lost as I've ever been.

Enjoy your Memorial Day weekend. Stay sober, healthy & happy.

Mel
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Unread 05-27-2012, 08:22 AM   #28
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I read through your thread today, and I wanted to tell you that you and I both have the same "quit date" of September 16th
Keep up the great work, with all you are going through, you are really doing a great job!
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Unread 05-28-2012, 07:33 AM   #29
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Hi Mel, never apologize - your post was not wordy at all. I'm so glad to hear that the babies are doing well. I'm worried about how mommy is doing though. Will you know what the guardian ad litem's recommendation will be tomorrow or do you have to wait until mediation on Thursday?

From what you said about the children's father and the neglect and abuse, I sure hope that you maintain custody. I'm sorry you had to go through that awfully painful deceit with your ex-husband and your best friend's infidelity. But you did make it through and you will get through this too.

Yes, please continue to focus on the present. Please work on gaining weight for those babies and so that you have strength.

Please keep us posted on how you are doing or even if you need to get your thoughts and feelings out. Best to do that than to keep them inside eating away at you. You are in my thoughts.

Nancy
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Unread 05-28-2012, 12:06 PM   #30
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I went through the same thing...it is a shame when you get help on your own your punished for it...however you will be ok and God has your back. You also have all the professionals on your side who can say how awesome you are doing....Much love sent your way ...just keep loving you and it will all work out
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Unread 05-28-2012, 01:26 PM   #31
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Hello Mel, this is going to be a tough week for you. You say there is nothing measurable or provable about your misuse issues-so is it just your ex's word for it? If you were working and going to school full-time I do not understand how they can say you were "impaired".

If you were given primary custody at divorce time it usually takes a really big thing to change custody now. As far as increasing visitation time that doesn't take so much to get more-unless there is evidence of abuse or danger to the kids.

It is just my opinion, from experiences, that the Court often does not consider the "best interests of the children". The law says that the "best interests of the children" is the basis of the Court decisions, but so many times we find that is not true. Usually with a guardian ad litem and mediation, agreements can be drawn up that will benefit the children. I hope that is what will happen in your case.

Once the court orders something one just has to adapt to the orders the best they can-and make it as easy as you can for the children to get used to any new arrangements. Document any problems that come up so if you need to propose a modification in the future you will have information that you will need.

Generally the Court only looks at documented evidence. If your ex is just "saying" things that will not hold up if there is no documented proof of what he is saying. Your kids are doing fine, their school records are ok, your son wrote an affidavit, so it seems you have all your ducks in a row.

It isn't going to be easy this week but you can do it, and do it well. Just keep in mind how much you have done to get yourself to this point and keep looking to the future.
I just hope you find out something tomorrow and don't have to wait until Thursday. The waiting and wondering is the worst!

Most important is to take care of yourself and the twins now-what is done is done and we don't get do-overs. Just move forward with what we have learned from the past. We will be waiting to hear----

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Unread 05-29-2012, 06:41 AM   #32
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Hi Mel, thinking of you today. Let us know how it goes and how you're doing when you can.

Nancy
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Unread 05-30-2012, 06:55 AM   #33
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Hello Mel, wondering how you are doing? Hope you found out something yesterday!

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Unread 05-30-2012, 07:12 AM   #34
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Quick update,

My attorney called yesterday & said that my exes attorney has another court case Thursday. So, no mediation. The guardians recommendation is going to be delayed too. She still had many references to check and additional issues to address from me regarding my exes prior treatment of the children. So, I'm sure we won't be getting the guardians recommendation or another mediation date set again for another few weeks.

My attorney filed the afidavits from my son & from my doctor. I will be on modified bedrest by 28 weeks (in just 2 weeks). Everything is getting rough b/c I'm so out of breath, tired and carrying a large tummy around. My attorney seems to think the letter from my doctor will buy me several weeks to postpone court & mediation. Possibly until after the twins are born and I'm recovered.

My health is okay, lost a pound but, determined to gain 2 by next week. My doctor is most concerned about the stress keeping me from eating & sleeping like I should. So, I've got my herbal teas and aromatherapy to help me chill. The kids are gone to their dads for their summer visit too. I'm taking the next few weeks to simply take care of me.

So for now, no news is good news. I'm thinking that the legal stuff will be taking a backseat to my health until I can deliver. We'll see.

Thank you, thank you for your support. I truly dont know where my anxiety level would be without you guys to vent to.

Mel
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Unread 05-30-2012, 07:44 AM   #35
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Hi Mel, Yes, indeed, it is time to take care of the "3" of you now! I agree that with the drs note that the proceedings will be delayed until after the delivery and your recovery. I am sure your attorney will see to that. Your exes attorney delayed this time, your attorney's turn next. lol Just so you are able to put the stress connected with the court thing on the back burner--

So you just chill and enjoy your herbal teas and whatever good food you would eat. Treat yourself to some food that will help your appetite-surely there is something that sounds good to you? How long will the children be with their dad? I know you miss them but now is time for you to take care of yourself and the twins-getting so close. I am getting excited!!

Thanks for letting us know-and as far as venting, well, just vent away anytime. We listen real well!

Take care,

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Unread 05-31-2012, 06:39 AM   #36
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Hi Mel, that would be great if everything could be postponed until after the twins are here. You really do need to concentrate on your and the babies' health. You should also start gathering up some good books and other things to do while on bedrest!

I hope you were able to eat something good and enjoy it yesterday. As nan said, vent away! We're here for you.

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Unread 06-01-2012, 07:39 AM   #37
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Good Friday Morning All,

I just wanted to let you guys know that my stress level has been way better the last day or two compared to the beginning of the week. I've been sober 8.5 months, off Suboxone 3.5 months. I really feel clear headed. No PAWS at all or permanent brain changes/damage (some may debate that though

I had a couple of legal turns that really helped ease my mind. The guardian ad litem representing my children verbally relayed to my attorney that she felt it would be "detrimental" to my 14 y/o son to change custody at this time, this after speaking with my sons school counselor, who has been very involved the last two years over issues with the childrens Dad. On the other hand, prior to that interview, the GAL was considering changing custody of the children due to my 2 year prescription medication addiction and voluntary detox/rehab admission in September, coupled with such a high relapse rate among opiate addicts.

Needless to say, that was a double edge sword. I am confident that she will not change custody but, still nervous that she was considering doing so up until that interview. She still has teachers to interview as well as my sons therapist. All of which are very supportive of keeping the kids here at home and within the same school district.

Our court ordered mediation was postponed until the end of June. I'm assuming that the GAL's final recommendation should be completed by then. I'll be 30 weeks along with the twins by then. My attorney seems to think that I'll be excused by then due to bedrest and all the complications of the pregnancy. I couldn't imagine that my ex could get a hearing scheduled while I'm on a doctors recommendation. We'll request a continuance anyways.

Soooooo, amidst all the legal info above, everything really looks good at the moment. I'm trying to remain positive, sober and relaxed. I have a doctors appointment with growth ultrasound next week. Hopefully the babes are continuing to incubate well. I'm eating a little better. Sleeping is okay, with the exception of bathroom trips every 2 hours at night, lol.

Thanks again for listening. I feel like I've known you guys for years. It really means a lot to have such a supportive online family. I value you all more than you'll ever know.

Have a great weekend,
Mel
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Unread 06-02-2012, 10:25 AM   #38
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Good morning Mel! Sure sounds like good news from the GAL. Glad you are feeling less stress over these issues. One good thing about the Court is that they love to delay things, that is one thing you can count on! So I am sure your attorney will have no problem delaying this until after your delivery. As long as you are feeling less stressful it will be a good thing to wait until after the babies are born.

Just continue taking the good care of yourself and the twins. Let us know what the update is after the ultrasound. You sound like you are feeling better, I am glad to hear that!

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Unread 06-03-2012, 07:24 AM   #39
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Hi Mel, I hope you've been able to relax and are EATING this weekend!! That's so fabulous that everything sounds good for your attorney to be able to delay it until after the babies are here.

Stay positive, take care of you and those babies. Do you have names picked out?

Sending good thoughts!

Nancy
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Unread 06-11-2012, 12:06 PM   #40
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Good Monday Morning,

I wanted to check in & let you guys know that we're all still kicking, especially the twins! They're definately getting bigger, as every week it is getting tougher to pick up laundry off the floor. Fortunately, I'm getting better at picking up things with my toes

I'm 28 weeks today (8 weeks left) and boy can I tell it. Lots of those "circuit training" Braxton Hicks contractions, getting me ready for the real ones coming up. I'm going to the doctors office every 2 weeks now for growth scans & check ups. Sleeping is still hit & miss. The pain is really starting to get tough. I have 2 herniated discs on top of this double pregnancy. So far, I've been doing okay with OTC stuff like Benadryl for sleep, Motrin for pain & lots of Tums for the acid reflux

A big concern I was hoping you guys would weigh in on for me. One of the babies (Baby B, Little Missy) is breech & has been for quite some time. Little Mister (Baby A) is head down. Some doctors will deliver the second twin breech as long as the first is head down, my doctors will not. They are pretty much insisting I have a Csection, which I've never had before. I'm fearful about the surgery itself, having to recover from it while caring for 2 infants and the implications of pain medication. I'm thinking about changing practitioners due to their policy.

My sober birthday is September 16th (same as D) and I am honestly fearful that any type of pain medication could tip me off. It wouldn't be an issue with a natural birth as I've done that twice with only Motrin to recover.

What are your thoughts? I'll be sober 9 months this weekend and 4 months off Suboxone. Any suggestions would be welcomed.

Sorry for the loooong post. Thanks for always listening.
Mel
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Unread 06-11-2012, 03:27 PM   #41
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Hey Mel, I don't know anything about pregnancy and pain and all that, having never had a child. I haven't had to have any pain meds either since I stopped sub. But I just wanna throw my support your way.

Very cool about 9 and 4 months coming up.

Lots of positive energy to you! -Mary
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Unread 06-12-2012, 07:09 PM   #42
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Hi Mel, have you looked into one of those things that people use to get things down off of shelves - you might be needing one soon to pick stuff off of the floor.

Do you know of a new practitioner near you whom you trust or can you get any good recommendations?

If you're fearful about taking any pain medication, then don't even tempt yourself. If it does end up that you need something stronger than motrin, what about maybe Toradol and/or Nubain - that's what Deanna took (along with some Suboxone) after her spinal fusion surgery.

Another option while in the hospital could be Buprenex - IM buprenorphine - often used for post surgery pain. Or there's the buprenorphine transdermal patch - BuTrans or even a very low dose of Suboxone.

I hope that's somewhat helpful. Please keep us posted on what you decide to do about a new doctor and how you and Baby B and Little Missy are doing.

Nancy
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Unread 06-14-2012, 08:52 AM   #43
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Hey Mel. I had a c-section, and that was way before my whole pain pill addiction....but, honestly it wasnt so bad. I was in the hospital 5 days. I remember them giving me a pump thing where I could hit the button for pain medicine. I didnt hit it hardly at all. Its a surgery that takes weeks to recovery from, seeing they are cutting through 3 layers...your skin, your muscles, and then of course your uterus. I remember feeling like i did 5 million situps, thats what the pain was like.
But anyways, Nancy is right(of course!) I took the IV toradol, and they offered Nubain vecause it works right with suboxone. And they gave me tylenol, and also ativan to relax me (every 6 hours).
So, the best thing to do its this....talk to the anesthesia doctor. Tell him you are a recovering opiate addict, and you want to try your very best to stay away from narcotic analgesics as not to fuel the fire back up. There are so many good non-narcotic drugs out there that they know about, Im sure they can figure out a good plan for you. Its just so automatic that they give narcotics, because they are quick, they work, and thats that. But for someone like you and me, well, they can take a little extra time and do the reserch to keep us pain free without them. I straight upp told my doctor DO NOT GIVE ME NARCOTIC PAIN MEDICINE unless I am flipping out! I had the coolest anesthesia doctor, he was impressed with the fact that I was in recovery and respected that. So, Im sure if you get everything out in the open ahead of time you will be ready and prepared.

It seems to me like I hear that pretty much everyone who is having twins has a c-section. I think they feel its just safer for the mom and babies all around.
But anyways, I talked my ass off, so Ill leave it at that. Hope my post helpedand congrats on 4 months medication free. You rock!!!
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Unread 06-21-2012, 12:58 PM   #44
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Thanks Mary, Nancy & D

Good advice there. Still struggling with the whole Csection vs. natural birth. It's really up to how the babies are positioned when I go into labor. So, for now, I don't need to worry about it. Went to my Ob/Gyn appointment yesterday and everything went really well. I'm 29 1/2 weeks today. My iron was normal, gestational diabetes test was negative, I gained 18 lbs so far (whoa Momma) and the babies heartbeats were just fine. The contractions were just the getting ready kind, not the "boil the water" kind. Otc Prevacid saved my life in the acid reflux department too.

I have court ordered mediation Thursday next week with my ex, both of our attorneys, our guardian ad litem & the mediator. If we dont come to some kind of agreement regarding past due monies for child support/medical bills and visitation for their Dad, then we'll schedule a hearing date. I'm not expecting my ex to come up with the back child support (over $4k), which I know we are entitled to & will be awarded, so I'm expecting mediation will be a waste of time & money. The guardian never did come up with a concrete recommendation as the initial retainer was depleted (my ex offered to pay her, he bought a new house & now has no money to finish paying her). Another waste of money, IMHO. Say a prayer for us next week, hoping for a good outcome.

Oh, and my car bit the dust a couple weeks ago. Found out it was a warped head and it is being fixed to the tune of $1,100. Bad timing but, grateful it can be fixed. Love my "Toaster" (aka 2003 Silver Honda Element). Hoping to get it out of the shop Monday.

Hit my 9 months sober and 4 months totally Rx free this past weekend. I'm so very proud of myself for putting down the pills, the alcohol and the other junk. I have so much be grateful for and to look forward to

Thanks for caring guys,
Mel
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Unread 06-22-2012, 08:29 AM   #45
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Only 18 lbs with Twins?? Dont say whoa momma....thats AWESOME! You are 3/4 of the way there and I think thats great. You are talking to the girl who gained 55lbs with ONE baby, lol. So be proud of yourself!!
Sorry about the car. But, hey, its fixable.
Just wanted to see how you are doing, and it sounds like GREAT. Congratulations
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Unread 06-22-2012, 03:57 PM   #46
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Hi Mel, glad the babies are doing well. Not having to make a decision about a C-Section yet is one less thing to think about. Hopefully the babies will be in a good position so that you can opt for natural if you want.

You'll definitely be in my thoughts next Thursday for a good outcome. I would hope that they will also take into consideration that he owes back child support and couldn't pay the guardian ad litem. That should make them wonder how he can afford for them to live there with him. One would think anyways.

Congrats on 9 months and 4 months! What a fabulous job!!

Nancy
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Unread 06-28-2012, 02:15 PM   #47
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Hi Deanna,
Supposed to pick up the toaster today. She needed rehab, for real! Glad to be getting my wheels back. Cruising with my music is my therapy Plus, I feel a lot better knowing I could get myself to the hospital if the babies decided to come early. 18 lbs IS impressive! I really struggled to gain weight this pregnancy with all the stress, sleepless nights & coming off Sub. I have a feeling I've gained a good bit more these last 2 weeks too. 55 lbs aint so bad D, as long as you have a healthy baby, you can lose the weight later IMO

Thanks Nancy,
I do feel pretty amazing with my sobriety. I can't wait until I pass that year mark and become part of that 17%. I like defying the odds. Plus, I'm looking forward to being able to start some type of support meetings here where I live (no NA or AA meetings in this small town). At least once a week.

Our mediation was pushed off until tomorrow at 11am (d/t scheduling conflict). I'll update you all tomorrow and let ya know how it goes. We're expecting good things and have no reason to fear a trial if we dont settle tomorrow. We know, at trial, we will be awarded in full backwards child support ($4k) as well as half of all prior medical/dental costs ($3k). I guess all we're mediating tomorrow is the terms on how he will pay back the money he owes and modifying his visitation.

So, all in all. I'm okay. Not terribly stressed about tomorrow. I really think that whatever will be, will eventually be. I have very little control over any of this legal stuff. I can only control myself, to a degree

I am struggling to sleep, partly b/c my bladder went from this size O
To this size .

Back & hip pain is coming back with a vengeance! Constantly trying to change positions. Lots of tightness in the belly (my navel looks like a pop up timer on a turkey) and "clicking" in my back & hips. I go from the couch, to the bathroom, to the bed. My triangular path is worn down into the carpet, sigh.

I'm in the middle of my 30th week now and I'm embarrassed to say, I just want these babies out! My head tells me the babies need to keep baking, grow & be healthy. My body says, get these blood sucking parasites outta here! I know, I'm nuts but, at least I'm sober nuts. 6 more weeks, 6 more weeks.

Thanks for always listening to me cry, whine & bellyache.
I hope you guys have a great week
Mel
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Unread 06-29-2012, 01:30 PM   #48
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Hey Mel, you're killing me here! First with the bladder size thing, then the worn carpet, but I almost spit out my tea when I got to those 'blood sucking parasites'. OMG way too funny. Yeah, you're sober nuts, nuts in a good way of course. Like I'm 'normal'.

Annnnnnnyways, I'm hoping that the mediation is all good and that will be the end of that so you can concentrate on feeding those parasites. Or are those the names of the babies and you just forgot a space between little Para and little Site?

Now after singing (from MG1977's thread), we can move on to chanting for Mel. 6 more weeks, 6 more weeks, 6 more weeks...

Positive energy! -Mary
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Unread 07-01-2012, 06:39 AM   #49
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Hi Mel, just checking in to see how things went, how you're doing and how the carpet is holding up.

Nancy
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Unread 07-02-2012, 10:32 PM   #50
TwinMom
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Hey guys,

So sorry I haven't got back with an update. It's been hot & hectic this weekend. We didn't settle at mediation. Just couldn't agree over money. So we'll schedule a hearing. I also had company to entertain this weekend. Probably over did it shopping, cleaning & such.

I had a drs appointment today & the babies look great. Junior is 3lbs 7oz & Missy is 3lbs 4oz. They're measuring 30.5 weeks & both babies are head down now too. However, Mum is beginning to efface (50%) and dilate (1-2 cms). I've been pretty nauseated & crampy but, didnt realize I was gearing up to have the little ones.

So, needless to say, I'm grounded. I'm only allowed up from the bed or couch for the bathroom or for food. I'm trying to avoid another hospital visit for preterm labor. I feel like crap & I'm super bummed about being cooped up until further notice.

All is well otherwise. My 2 children are with dad for the summer, my husband is working out of town until tomorrow night, so I'm just eating, sleeping & catching up on The 70's Show reruns.

Thanks for listening to my current rant,
This too shall pass,
Mel
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