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Unread 01-03-2013, 12:33 PM   #1
Terry123
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Default Why do i feel so sad?

In november of this year, got a call that our son was in intensive care - we live in a different state, so without hesitation we jumped in the car and headed south. Found out our son was having seizures associated with alcohol withdrawal - never knew he had a problem with alcohol -- but looking back, the signs were there - he is not doing well, and continues to go back to his drinking lifestyle - i am so sad and full of guilt that i cannot function -I'm his mom and i should be able to fix this - i know he has to hit his own bottom before he will stop or seek help/treatment, but not knowing what is going on with him is killing me - i had not heard from him in a few days so i called his employer new years day who told me he had been fired for coming to work drunk - i then got concerned and had the local cops make a wellness check where they found him passed out in his house - he wont call me or return my messages - i know i have to distance myself, and let him figure it out (he is an adult), but the not knowing is keeping me emotional and very sad - i am on the verge of tears constantly - our local alanon group meets every Tuesday, so i am going to start that the very next meeting - any other ideas for coping with this situation -
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Unread 01-03-2013, 02:23 PM   #2
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I am so sorry. If you can work on understanding there is NOTHING you can do to impact his drinking, that is where I personally would put my energy.

You obviously love your son with all your heart. To me - that is the basis for being a good mom. Nobody is a perfect mom. NOBODY. Kids grow up and become adults. The kid/adult decides if he/she is going to drink or
not.

It doesn't matter if you fed he vegetables every meal, told him daily that you love him, paint yourself purple, etc... the drunk is responsible for his/her drinking - PERIOD. You can't influence his/her decision to drink becuase it is NOT your decision. If it were that easy - none of us would be on this site because we would have "fixed" our drunks already.

I think you really need to accept that you don't have control. You didn't make him start drinking and you can't make him stop. You can still love him, be supportive when he decides to stop drinking..... I'm sure there are other things on the "can do" list that you will learn at Al-Anon, as well as the "what not do to" list. Feeling guitly is creating a false idea in your head - that YOU could own HIS decision to drink. I'm so sorry that isn't possible. Believe me - all of us wish we could control our drunks...

My heart hurts for you. Hang in there.
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Unread 01-03-2013, 04:36 PM   #3
R. Lee
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Terry123, Welcome to this site.
I sppek as a recovering alcoholic.
Your feelings & concerns are normal. It is good that you know the answers to many of the questions asked by family & friends of alcoholics.
Using a support group it will be reinforced that you can not fix him.
My best to you & your family.
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Unread 01-04-2013, 08:10 AM   #4
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So sad and I'm so sorry, this brings me back to my days drinking and the harm I did to those I love. The good news is I am sober today for 25 years plus and no longer worry my loved ones.

You will hear about 3 C's that mean you cannot control, cure or did you cause the addiction. All you can do is work on you and pray for him. He has a higher power and that power can and will heal him-You are not It, as much as you love him.

Please step back as you can and allow him to hit bottom. If he wants to talk about it, point him to detox and or AA

God bless

Glen
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Unread 01-04-2013, 09:47 AM   #5
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Hi Terry123, Welcome! You will always be able to vent here on this forum, the love and warm caring and concern for you is felt through cyber space. Please read my posts from the past 4 years or more under Mendela Son. I feel your pain as I have a adult alcoholic son who has brought pain to his loved ones for many years. If you can find peace within it is to reach out and let go of the quilt and fustration you feel. We as Mothers always seem to blame ourselves as to why, what did I do wrong, well answer is nothing! We can only be there for them giving them support and love but remembering the choices they are making are theirs and the consquences for them must be felt by them. Read the posts as many of them give you direction that your not alone and the hope is always there. I wish you and your son peace and happiness. Hugs, Marilyn
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Unread 01-04-2013, 11:44 AM   #6
Terry123
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Thank you for your caring responses - it helps to know that all my thoughts are normal - it is not getting any easier and any thoughts of my son bring instant tears - i did text him this morning to let him know i love him, but i cant fix him, and i wouldn't be interfering in his life any more but he needed to get help and he had to do that on his own. Unfortunately all i can visualize is him on the streets or in jail - the worst part is that 30 years ago, the same thing was happening to my parents that is now happening to me and my husband - i never knew what pain i put my mom through until now - and that is also weighing very heavy on my mind
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Unread 01-04-2013, 05:09 PM   #7
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Terry 123, With you son's issues weighing on your heart learn to forgive yourself for your past. I'm sure you made amends to your parents. If not do so & let the past go.
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Unread 01-04-2013, 06:04 PM   #8
Terry123
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Im hoping i will learn how to do that - cause i know i can't go on like this
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Unread 01-05-2013, 01:21 PM   #9
Terry123
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My parents have both been gone for several years so face to face forgiveness cannot be done - i don't ever remember telling my parents how sorry i was for what i put them through, so i have written them a letter, crying the whole time i was writing. What i do with it now i don't know, but i think it was a step in the right direction
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Unread 01-05-2013, 02:08 PM   #10
R. Lee
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Terry123, I was tought that too. Write a letter to ones you can no longer make amends too. Also you can write letters to people that your hurt but facing them & making a amend might cause them more grief. Them we are tought to forgive ourselves & let it go. Some alcoholics then burn the letter.
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Unread 01-06-2013, 12:40 PM   #11
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Dear Terry123,
You among caring and supportive members here. I posted the link for Friends and Family as education, understanding the dynamics of this disease can help the family as his drinking impacts not just him but all. IMO Read the other member's experiences. the details may be different but the struggle /emotions similar. Also, reach out to support systems listed in the link like Professional counseling, you mentioned attending Al Anon- a great support IMO, also do a search for your local area via the Treatment locator on the site and through local MH/SA services.
Never give up hope, as you know from your own experience, people do recover everyday! Continue to take care of yourself and do not hesitate to seek professional help, talk to your MD if your sadness, depression, the feelings you described worsen. Most of all I hope you can find some peace and that he seeks help. Take care, keep venting, Carly

http://www.alcoholanswers.org/friends-family/
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Unread 01-06-2013, 04:23 PM   #12
Terry123
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I so appreciate the responses i have read here - i know that i have to have emotional support or i will not make it through this - today my prayer time at church was asking god to help me with this incredible burden that i cant seem to let go of - i know that he will remove it from me if i let Him - that is where i am today - i have a great support family at church and today i leaned on them......I still am so very concerned for my child, but I know God is in control because i know i don't do a very good job of trying to be in control.....I'm not sure why my son has not called or contacted me but i have to trust that he will when he is ready...
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Unread 01-07-2013, 03:19 AM   #13
hawaiilover
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Hello Terry123,

I am sorry to hear of your son's drinking. I just want to welcome you here and tell you that you are not alone. My husband is an alcoholic and he has been to rehab many times. In fact, he is in rehab now. I have seen alcohol transform and shape my life beyond my greatest imagination. I am so glad you are reaching out to Alanon. Way to go!!! Let the healing begin. You can read my story as well. We all have a common denominator: alcohol. Alcohol is what brings us to this forum. Keep coming back. Don't leave before the miracle happens!!! Take care.

Hawaiilover
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Unread 01-07-2013, 07:21 AM   #14
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Hi Terry123,
Welcome to our site. So sorry about your sons drinkiing & the pain Andfear it brings. This is a great site with wise counsel. I have been dealing with an alcoholic for about 30 years. I understand the thought process of this disease in family members that deal with it. Please know we are here when you need to vent & we share in your turmoil. It is not easy to cope but you can do it. You will find resources here. One thing I have done recently is go to a counselor. It has helped. Once our kids are grown they make their own choices. They become responsible or their own actions. It is hard to see them face consequences for bad choices I know. Hang in there & know you can come here for support. Keeping you in thoughts & prayers...
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Unread 01-09-2013, 09:01 PM   #15
Terry123
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My son finally called me yesterday, and told me if i needed to call him i would need to call his house phone because his cell phone had been turned off due to non payment. He then said that his rent wasn't paid but it would be when his unemployment came in - my conversation with him was very guarded but not once did he ask me for any financial help - and i couldn't tell if he was waiting for me to volunteer to help - but i did not - after about a five minute conversation about what his future plans were, not once did i ask him about his drinking, we said our goodbyes - i told him, i loved him and he said he loved me too. Today he calls again from his aunt's house - when i queried why he was over there he said his car had a flat tire and he no longer had internet - all his utilities are slowly being turned off - so he called his aunt and asked if he could stay over there so he would not be stranded and have access to the internet ( unemployment filing) i have suspicions that his rent is well past due - but I'm not asking - maybe this is his wake-up call - but i did not offer any financial assistance and again he didn't ask - he said he called just to let me know where he was in case i called his house and didn't reach him - this from the son who didn't contact me for two weeks - there is never any talk about getting help for his drinking - i need to hear that from him
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Unread 01-09-2013, 11:39 PM   #16
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Terry123, Good for you. You did not enable him. Yes we can love him but enabling him can kill him. Stay strong.
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Unread 01-13-2013, 10:37 PM   #17
Terry123
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I have talked with my son almost daily since this past Tuesday - I know part of that is he is not drinking at the moment and he needs me to know what he is doing - one thing I have learned is when I do not hear from him for a few days in a row that he is drinking - He is moving in with his aunt and uncle this weekend, and I must say that I am somewhat apprehensive that he will backslide. He still has not talked about going to any support group or AA, but I am not asking. I told him I was attending an Alanon meeting and he asked me what that was about - I told him and his response was "oh." I know he has no money and he told me that he was going to turn in his notice to vacate his apartment tomorrow to the landlord, and he did tell me that it cost $200.00 to replace the tire on his car. He told me he talked to his boss when he went out to get his check - his boss said once he knew Will was in a program or attending group meetings, he would consider hiring him back - I just don't think he is willing to attend anything like that at this time. I know he needs that, but I can't make him go - I asked him if he knew what he needed to do, and he responded yes - so we shall see......
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Unread 01-14-2013, 10:01 AM   #18
karenina
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Sounds like you are holding firm be not giving him money or offering to help him with living arrangements. It is so hard to watch someone you love go through the rough times, but with a child I'm sure it's just awful. This is the time to go to meetings. I could not go on without the help I get there. Just know you are not alone. It's a daily struggle but worth the work. I'm pulling for you!
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Unread 01-14-2013, 11:22 AM   #19
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Stay strong!!! You are doing great.
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Unread 01-14-2013, 04:39 PM   #20
R. Lee
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Terry, It is tough love on your part. Stay strong.
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Unread 01-18-2013, 09:51 PM   #21
Terry123
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Okay its been a week since i have spoke with my son - none of my family have heard a word either - my sister sent her daughter over to check on him - his car is at his apartment, his tv is on, but he wont answer the door - phone has been disconnected - i know he is drinking or he would have called me - he is supposed to be moving in with my sister tomorrow but she hasn't heard a word. I have told her that i am very concerned with him moving in with her that his problems will become her problems - she said he is my nephew i love him -i told her that loving someone is not going to fix them - I'm afraid she will worry herself into an early grave over him - but i cant control her either - as i was just three short weeks ago i am again worried sick that he could possible had more seizures from his drinking and could be dead in his apartment - but I'm doing my best not to over react and call the police again
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Unread 01-19-2013, 12:15 AM   #22
R. Lee
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Terry123, Your sister is doing nothing but enabeling him.

If he makes no contact you can always have the apartment manager check the apartmernt out.

You stay strong.
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Unread 01-19-2013, 04:40 PM   #23
Terry123
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I have told her that, but she has to do this herself - i cant tell her not to let him move in - i just hate that unless he does indeed seek help and stop drinking, this is not going to turn out well - i am already feeling badly for my sister
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Unread 01-19-2013, 04:41 PM   #24
Terry123
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I told her she needed to start now with alanon and other support or she will end up an emotionally wreck that will destroy her
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Unread 01-19-2013, 06:45 PM   #25
starsha
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Hi Terry,

I was reading your posting and I know the pain you feel. I am new here but I just wanted to let you know that I have been in your shoes with my mother and its not a good position to be in. They have to help themselves and all you can do is pray for them and hope they see the light ! Hang in there it will be okay if you believe ! If you ever want to chat I'm here....

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Unread 01-26-2013, 10:45 PM   #26
Terry123
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I appreciate all the support this online website gives. I told my husband that i liked mu life better when i didn't know my son was an alcoholic. At least when he didn't call for a week at a time, i just thought he was busy - now when he doesn't call, all i envision is he is drunk - my husband says he is going to get some counseling as worrying about that son of ours is beginning to affect his work. I have to say that this is not easy, but everyone tells me it gets easier, but when? As i watch him slowly lose everything he owns and he doesn't have much, it is more and more difficult to take. He still will not admit he has a problem nor will he seek help......I know cant fix him but i keep thinking i need to do something - take a leave of absence, and go to Florida and make him get into treatment - i keep thinking maybe he just doesnt know how to stop, or maybe he has a death wish - if he ends up killing himself from the drinking, will i be able to say did i do everything i could to help him....
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Unread 01-26-2013, 11:04 PM   #27
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Terry 123, Has he called you yet? I don't understand how you can go to FL & make him go into treatment.
I feal your pain.
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Unread 01-27-2013, 04:52 PM   #28
Terry123
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I cant make him go into treatment - its just the mother in me feeling the need to do something - standing back and watching your child destroy himself is not the way i want to see this story play out - but one that i know has to play out this way - he did contact me via fb and ask if i would contact his aunt to help him move (his aunt lives in the same town) - i did make that phone, but that was it .....i told him to contact his friends to help him move....he said he would - when i asked about his unemployment, that was the end of our conversation - I'm not doing so good emotionally........
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Unread 01-27-2013, 05:14 PM   #29
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Terry, Keep your chin up. There is little you can do for him now except to love & pray for him.
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Unread 03-08-2013, 08:58 PM   #30
CRICKET5
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I am there with you..going thru the same,killing me and her and everyone associated with her,but I cant make her stop..our daughter has left,and somehow that makes it worse not knowing where she is..But,and i say BUT,we have to go on,because it is their problem and battle, that as parents we wish we could fight,the not knowing,I feel like im dying inside..we have done everything possible to help our daughter with her struggle and it never helped because she didnt want it to..
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