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Unread 06-03-2009, 04:46 PM   #1
anoury
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Default Need some advice

I have posted here before, would like to let everyone know things are going very well for me, I am in counceling for myself and it is going great. Once I realized that I was not the one responsible for the issues my soon to be ex husband has it was like opening a door for me. I am happier alone then I was in the last years of my marriage. My daughter is doing well also. What I am looking for is some advice for my friend. Her husband is an alcoholic. He just finished his IOP program. He is not actively going to AA but is seeing a councelor. Today my friend was doing some cleaning hand found 6 empties in various places in the house. She is very upset about it and plans to confront him. Here is the question. Does anyone know where I can find info on what is an appropriate way to handle set backs like this, what is the best way to approach these situations with her husband. She want to be supportive of what he is going through and trying to deal with but when she finds evidence, receipts and such what should she do. I know that there is no overnight cure and relapses happen but when they do, how do you approach them. We are going to go to an alanon meeting next week (the soonest one we can get to) but in the mean time, is there any source that I can go to for info on how to handle these situations or does anyone have any advice?

Thanks
Aimee
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Unread 06-03-2009, 09:26 PM   #2
CarlyO
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Hi Aimee,

Glad to hear that you are doing well. I think Al Anon is a great support and I posted a link to the website in case you needed to find a meeting in your area/wanted to read more about it.

As far as your friend's situation, in addition to Al Anon, I was wondering if she was also in counseling with her husband ? That would be the ideal place to confront him about his drinking. Regardless, I think it is wise for her to learn how to deal with these issues when they arise.
It is often suggested to not confront the person if they are under the influence, as that could lead to many negative outcomes. You mentioned she wants to support his efforts, but is he willing to do the work as well ? Is he drinking regularly?

IMO -It is dificult to give a direct answer without knowing how he reacts to confrontation, the type of relationship they have, etc... If I was new at this, I would request to meet the counselor or other professional or at least Al Anon /other type of support. Education will be the key and you are a good friend to help find some answers.

I really believe she will learn a lot at Al Anon, she can always come here to vent ask questions, perhaps reading older posts will help her as well.

Even the most comitted people can relapse, but they usually get back to their support and learn from the experience . It would help to know how invested the husband is in his recovery since you mentioned your friend has found evidence of drinking on several occasions.

I added some links, that last one about marriage and recovery is just one person's opinion, suggestion so just keep that in mind.

I hope this helps, please let us know how it goes and hopefully someone else will be by to post their suggestions. Good luck and again, so glad you are doing well.

Info for the family...

http://www.alcoholanswers.org/friends-family/

Al Anon website, info /where to find a meeting

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/S17web.html

I found this article ... it is one of many out there when I googled so please keep that in mind...

http://ezinearticles.com/?Early-Addi...ery&id=2105043
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Important disclaimer: Any information in this post is not and does not constitute medical advice under any circumstances. Addiction Survivors, Inc. does not warranty or guarantee the accurateness, completeness, adequacy or currency of the information contained in or linked to the Site. Your use of information on the Site or materials linked to the Site is entirely at your own risk. NEVER take any online advice over that of a qualified healthcare provider. Any information contained on AddictionSurvivors.org should only serve to inspire further investigation with credible, verifiable references sources such as your physician or therapist.
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Unread 06-04-2009, 02:43 PM   #3
amitoonice?
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Thanks for your advice, CarlyO. I am the friend that Aimee posted about, she has been such a great friend and wants to help me get through this. My husband was going to IOP four nights a week for three hour sessions but after he graduated from that he has not started going to AA and he has only been to one therapy session and it has been 11 days.
He is not very confrontational and when I find out that he has had a beer or I find empties, I show them to him and ask him what happened. He usually tells me why he thinks he broke down and he always apologizes, which is nice but I'm worried about a relapse. And I have gone through a range of emotions through all of this and you should know that he's been battling this disease/trying to quit for a few years now. He says that he is going to get into an AA meeting when he gets his schedule for the upcoming month and that should be soon. I am definitely going to get into al-anon and I asked him about counseling for "us" and he said we don't need it at this point.???? I feel like we might.
I'm learning more and more about this disease and the hardest part for me is feeling like I"m losing trust in him. I feel that his lying to me about "not" drinking makes me suspicious of other behavior, I can't help it. We have been together for 14 years, we've been married 10 and we have 3 children and he swears he won't do anything to tear us apart. I want to help him but I need help for myself, dealing with these things.
Thanks again for the advice and the links. I will keep you posted. -amitoonice?
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Unread 06-10-2009, 10:31 PM   #4
CarlyO
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Default Hi and welcome amitonice?

Hi Amitonice?

Sorry I just got back to this, I was away - I hope you are doing well.

imo- I think what you are going through is normal, al-anon and/or counseling could help with these feelings of distrust. Of course you have reservations when you find empties. And imo, it is normal for him to promise it will not happen again. I am not sure how long, how much he has been drinking - did he make the decision to attend IOP?
You are wise to educate yourself about this disease, I am glad you
checked out the links I posted and there is a ton of info here. Keep reading and if you have any specific questions we will do our best to find some answers.

As someone who has been where your husband is - it took me many tries, I had to hit my rock bottom, I had to get to the place where I wanted help because I was miserable, life in shambles etc... I am not saying that has to happen to him - to that degree - he is already trying, but sometimes it takes various approaches to find what works.
As far as AA schedules - they can be found online - and I posted a link to the different types of support groups - there are many options and I was wondering if the IOP group didn't give him a discharge plan - what they recommend, where to get further help, etc....usually they do.

Maybe reading the other threads will give you some insight as to what you can do ( and not do ) to help him but at the same time take care of yourself.
The members here have been through a lot and have great feedback!

Again, I really think Al Anon would be a great resource and /or counseling. 14 years is a long time to be together and you have your family too .
Alcoholism is an equal opportunity disease, but with help - people DO recover and families can get through this, so do not give up hope, just keep findong out more and at some point he needs to be accountable,I understand his struggle, it is not easy, but it is doable. imo- it would not be fair for you to be doing all of the work.

I hope you will keep us posted, even if you need vent, people here will be very supportive. Please take care of yourself and hang in there : ) Carly
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Important disclaimer: Any information in this post is not and does not constitute medical advice under any circumstances. Addiction Survivors, Inc. does not warranty or guarantee the accurateness, completeness, adequacy or currency of the information contained in or linked to the Site. Your use of information on the Site or materials linked to the Site is entirely at your own risk. NEVER take any online advice over that of a qualified healthcare provider. Any information contained on AddictionSurvivors.org should only serve to inspire further investigation with credible, verifiable references sources such as your physician or therapist.

Last edited by CarlyO; 06-10-2009 at 10:37 PM.. Reason: spelling/grammar
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Unread 06-25-2009, 01:43 AM   #5
happyguy
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hi, am glad to hear things are going well for you. however, i urge you to be on your guard in order to prevent a relapse. I want you to get involved in activities that will take your attention and time. this will help you and your kid. i wish good luck.
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