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Unread 03-22-2012, 06:01 PM   #1
Moms still praying
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Default Trying to keep the hope

I am looking for some help, some encouragment, someone to tell me that I am doing the right thing. I am so confused I am trying to understand this drug they call "meth" and I am having a very difficult time. There are some many websites and so many people saying so many different things. I am at "what alot people say is the start of long road a head". My youngest daughter who is almost 20 is an addict. She is a teen mom and lost her son to the state, thank God she mentioned her dad and I to take him when they came to remove him. We now have had him for 3 months yesterday and he is a very healthy young boy. She wasn't using during her pregnancy and we are so thankful. I just am looking for any form of help I can get. She is the youngest of 4 and all our children are dealing with this differently. Please if anyone has some words to help me on this journey I would appreciate it.
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Unread 03-23-2012, 06:12 PM   #2
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Hi Moms still praying, welcome. I'm sorry to hear what your family is going through.

Is your daughter ready to quit? Does she live with you? Is she open to talking with you?

The links in the orange block on the right are from good sources. Maybe there's something there that may be of help.

Do you have a support system?

I'm sorry for all of the questions.

Nancy
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Unread 03-25-2012, 09:34 PM   #3
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Dear Moms still praying,

Welcome and sorry I did not see this sooner. Yes, there is a lot of info about Meth, imo stick with reputable websites - Nancy suggested reading the links in orange to the right . Also, have you considered Al Anon ? That may be a good source of support and info for you.

Also, do you have anyone( a case worker ) at Social Services to talk to ? They may be able to help you with questions you might have. Have they offered your daughter your help ?
Your daughter has to WANT to stop, I know it must be frustrating which is why finding as much support for yourself is so important.
Read the personal experiences on the forums, it can give you insight into addiction as well as the supports mentioned.

Many people find just coming here and venting is helpful, good luck, and take care of yourself ! Carly
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Unread 03-26-2012, 02:16 PM   #4
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Nancy B,
One day my daughter will cry out for help the next day she will be telling me this is all my fault. I don't think she is truly ready for treatment even though I wish will all my heart she was. She doesn't live with me..when they took her son one of the options was for her to move in with my husband and I and for us to be watch dogs pretty much 24/7 eyes watching her parent and willing to call the moment we thought she might be on drugs I made the decision on my own that this wasn't possible, she was also offered a "moms program" that she refused. My husband and I both work full time. Now she isn't allowed at our home. This is just a horrible situation because I get the midnight calls or text messages "I need you momma" and I just can't run to her and rescue her. My focus for the last 3 months has been on her 2 year old son who needed structure and alot of love. As for support I have 3 other children and other family members that have been there to support us. All though I am very thankful for there support none of them have had any experience with this kind of situation. Thank you for your advice, I am reading a alanon book and am going to start going to a "celebrate recovery" meeting this week.
Carly,
I have to come to realize no matter how much I want her to stop she has to make that decision. I have spoke to the case worker but haven't really got much REAL support from her. She is most concerned with my grandson being taken care of right now because my daughter isn't willing to even speak to her and comply with any thing they are requiring of her. I just happened to come across this sight and am looking for any resouces to get knowledge and support that I can recieve. Thank you for responding.
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Unread 03-26-2012, 03:02 PM   #5
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Dear Mom still praying,
Yes until your daughter is willing to work with her case managers I fear not much will change. When you posted she 'lost " her son to the state do you mean there is no hope of her ever getting custody back even if she would seek help and comply ? Or have they placed him in your care while they retain legal custody and there is hope ?

You are doing the right things to educate yourself about this disease. I would ask her case worker if there is a group or counselor that you can attend so that you have support since you have a lot on your plate and need to take care of yourself so you can be there for your grandchild - without getting burned out. And there is always Al Anon which might be a great support for you. They understand.

Keep reading the personal stories here, on the alcohol and opiate forums as well. The drug of choice may differ but the families and loved ones share similar struggles, fears and concerns. IMO - keep faith alive, people are able to put their addictions into remission , when they are ready to work for it. Keep us posted.

Take care of yourself, Carly
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Unread 03-26-2012, 04:35 PM   #6
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Carly,
She has a year to get her self together before she could loose her son totaly. With her being unresponsive to anything they are requiring the state may speed up the process I just don't know. If it comes down to the year or the time the states decides her son needs a more perminet home life not just foster care, my husband and I are prepared to do what ever is asked. We are hoping just guardianship will be asked of us and not adoption so she will still have a chance. I will continue to seek help, counciling, knowledge about the this horrific drug. I really appreciate your help. Moms still praying
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Unread 03-27-2012, 03:30 PM   #7
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Hi Moms still praying. Thank you for letting us know more about the situation. Does your daughter have any contact at all with her siblings? Is there anyone she would listen to? It's just so hard knowing that no one can do anything until she is ready to or if she gets arrested and has to. Which may be what it ends up being if losing her son wasn't a bottom for her.

Continue to educate yourself and surround yourself with your support system.

Maybe you can mail her the first post in this thread posted by another mom, nan. It's called "A letter from your addiction... "

http://www.addictionsurvivors.org/vb...ad.php?t=26236

As far as educating yourself, this is a very good book - Healing the Addicted Brain.
http://www.amazon.com/Healing-Addict...2872884&sr=8-1

And this pdf is quite good also. The Science of Addiction put out by NIDA:
http://www.naabt.org/documents/NIDA_..._addiction.pdf

The HBO Series in the green box on the right is helpful - both the video and written parts.

Most importantly, please take care of yourself. It seems that your daughter knows you'll be there when she decides it's time for help. I just hope that it's sooner rather than later.

Nancy
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Unread 03-27-2012, 07:25 PM   #8
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Dear Mom Still Praying,

I honestly thought that CPS was supposed to try everything possible to keep the family together, offer your daughter help via treatment, counseling etc however if she is unwilling, well she may not realize the clock is ticking and that the state won't wait. ... I think they set a deadline of a year because they see the need for a child to be in a stable environment and be able to bond.
I agree with Nancy, post to Nan , learn as much as you can about addiction, talk to a professional and Al -Anon is a great resource.
I am sorry you are going through this, keep us posted.
Take care, Carly
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Unread 03-28-2012, 03:07 PM   #9
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So today is a new day. I went to "celebrate recovery" last night. The director had a heart attach over the weekend and passed away. WOW! I was so amazed by the people that showed up to share there story and how this program has helped them. It inspired me so I called my daughter when I left and she was responsive. She talked and listened. Today she called a person who it trying to find her a rehab that our insurance works with. I am so hopeful today, a little scared and nervous but this is the 1st time she has actually called some one for help. I will keep you all updated. Maybe today is the day for her to start a new direction and new journey on a road back to her son. Thank for reading.
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Unread 03-28-2012, 03:32 PM   #10
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Dear Mom still praying,

This is good news ! I hope it works out and remember this is a process, most important is that today she is willing- which is a start! please keep us posted and take care,

Carly
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Unread 03-30-2012, 03:18 PM   #11
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I just wanted to update you on our situation. My daughter called a person and they found her a rehab. She flew out Wednesday at 8:13 from the west coast and flew across the United States to the East coast. Today will be her 1st full day there. She will go through detox and a program that could be up to 50 days. This program looks like a good one. They begin going through a patient past that may be the root of the addiction. They have several different programs available for each individual. I am so glad but will continue to pray for her recovery and sucess in this program. Her words on why she finally was doing it " I want my son!" I believe Gods hand was in the middle of this whole process. Billing insurance and the balance of 7000.00 is being waved, they even paid for her flight. My family is truly blessed today and we are hopeful in having are daughter back as part of the family. Thank you so much for allowing me to share my story. I will keep you updated on her progress.
Moms still praying

Last edited by Moms still praying; 03-30-2012 at 03:21 PM..
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Unread 03-30-2012, 05:24 PM   #12
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Oh Moms still praying, that is such fabulous news! That must be just a joy and relief for you all. Hopefully she will embrace the program and get the most out of it she can.

The most encouraging thing is that SHE wanted to do and actively sought out treatment. That is huge!

Please do keep us posted.

Nancy
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Unread 03-31-2012, 05:25 PM   #13
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Dear Mom's still praying,

Your daughter is truly lucky to find a program willing to help her , waive fees etc.... and maybe you can have some peace of mind knowing she is safe, in a good place!
While your daughter in getting help it still is wise imo to continue education yourself. Will you be part of the process- getting updates from the staff? as well as offering feedback when /if counselors contact you?
I know it may seem like a long time for your daughter but hopefully she will use this time wisely.

I always believe a solid discharge plan is very important, make sure you and your daughter are aware of what is recommended. But, first things first, I think this is a great opportunity for her.

Keep us posted, and sincerely hoping for the best possible outcome!
Take care, Carly
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Unread 04-03-2012, 04:51 PM   #14
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Its been a tough few days. My daughter is wanting to come home. She was there a total a 2 days when I got the 1st call. I explained my opionion of the situation to the counciler and so we didn't hear anything the rest of that day and the next. Monday I got a call saying she made it to the recovery center and was no longer in detox. I was glad she made it. Her second day my phone started ringing very early, I missed the calls. She called back and said she took off and was on the streets of this strange town and wanted to come home. I again told her "no". Well after some panic on my end I recieved the call they found her and had her back at there facility. I really need some input about this? I have no problem telling her "no she can't come home." The terrified feeling of her being on the street in some unknown city is what gets me.
Carly, I am not sure about a what you mean about a solid discharge? Can you explain?
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Unread 04-03-2012, 05:41 PM   #15
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Dear Moms still praying,
What I meant was imo- to be in communication during her stay there and knowing that she has A solid discharge plan ( what is recommended for her when she finishes the program) Before she comes home, maybe they suggest long term or a sober living facility? I was just hoping they would include you.

It is not uncommon for people to want to leave, esp. early on. I am just so relieved she is back. IMO try to talk to her counselors as to how and what to say to encourage her to Stay and complete the program. I fear this may be her last chance.
She has to do this for herself, but knowing what is at stake may help her get through the impulse to leave again. All she has to do for now is take it a day at a time, she is LUCKY, as many people cannot afford or get the help they need.
I hope she will stay, for everyone's sake.
Keep us posted. Take care, Carly
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Unread 04-06-2012, 01:09 AM   #16
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Dear Moms still praying,

I wanted to check on you . How are you? Did your daughter stay? Post when you have time, take care, Carly
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Unread 04-09-2012, 05:40 PM   #17
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Carly,
She left, they couldn't make her stay. Our whole family is so upset. She was dropped off and I didn't even know where or what town. She got in touch with a (not so good) person and they paid for her to get into a motel. I refused to help her unless she returned but she wouldn't. She has returned to our county, I am not sure where she it because she isn't contacting us. Honestly I am okay with her not contacting me right now. I have to focus on her son and let go of her until she makes a decision to change. My heart is broken and so is everyone elses in the family. Thank you for asking I wish I had better news to post. If there are any changes I will let you all know.
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Unread 04-10-2012, 07:14 AM   #18
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Hi Moms still praying. I'm so sorry to hear that your daughter left. I can understand how heartbreaking it is. Please do focus on you and her son and your family. I was hoping for a better outcome and I hope she re-focuses and makes a whole-hearted decision to get better soon. Please take care.

Nancy
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Unread 04-10-2012, 07:39 PM   #19
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Dear Moms Still Praying,

I was hoping that no news was good news, I wish she understood how lucky she was to have a facility willing to help her, I think deep down, like all of us at one point or another , sincerely Want to get help. Did the staff give any information as to why she left, what happened?

It is understandable you do not desire the drama that comes with addiction. Did I mention Al Anon to you? That can be a good support for loved ones.

Like Nancy posted take care of your family and concentrate on what you have control over. Don't give up hope on her and lean on any and all supports.
Take care, Carly
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Unread 04-11-2012, 01:43 PM   #20
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They told us that she wasn't willing to do anything required of her. She went to every person she could talk to and told them she wanted to go home. They finally got to the point that they had to let her go because there were other people waiting to get help and wanted help.

The drama.....She can say things to me that go straight to my heart, I have been just sick over all of this. It is better for me and my health to not allow it right now. I have to be strong for her son and if that means I have to let go of her that is what I have to do.

Went to a co-dependent group last night, it was good. Alot of support and I am going to continue to go to this program so I can learn the right way to deal with this so it doesn't have so much control over me.

Thanks for you and Nancy's responses I really appreciate it. Keep you posted on any updates I may have.

Moms still praying
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Unread 04-12-2012, 07:05 AM   #21
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Hi Moms still praying, I'm glad that the group was good and you'll continue to go.

You have to do what is best for you. Your daughter knows deep down that you love her and you will be there when she really wants to get better. You don't need to listen to her cut you with her words or actions.

Take care of you. We're here for you too.

Nancy
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Unread 04-13-2012, 03:21 PM   #22
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Dear Mom's still praying,

Ditto on Nancy's post.
Glad to see you went a support group !
Take care of yourself, do what is best for you and your family which can include maintaining peace and serenity in your life.
Hang in there, Carly
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Unread 04-19-2012, 02:18 PM   #23
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Hello,
I wish someone that has been in my daughters shoes would respond to me, I am at the point of not answering her calls and it has been over a week. I am hearing from others that her (not so good friends) are telling her that her family has given up on her. This isn't true not even for a second but to keep healthy myself I have to stop allowing her highs and lows to affect me. I am trying my hardest to get some tools to do this but until then to protect my self no contact. It has been 4 months this weekend that she has been out there in this mess.......My heart aches not just for her but her child..No Dad and now No Mom!!! Thanks for listening.
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Unread 04-25-2012, 03:51 PM   #24
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Hi Moms still praying, I'm sorry there hasn't been anyone in your daughter's shoes to answer. This isn't one of the busier forums here. I don't know if you've taken a look, but the Alcohol and Opiate Family and Friends forums a little busier.

Alcohol:
http://www.addictionsurvivors.org/vb...splay.php?f=62

Opiates:
http://www.addictionsurvivors.org/vb...splay.php?f=54

How are things going?

Nancy
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Unread 04-26-2012, 02:04 PM   #25
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Nancy,
Thank you for responding, I am doing okay. One day at a time for sure. I continue to go to my meetings. Last week a women shared a testomony that touched my heart because she has been in the same shoes as I am in. I am thankful I was there to hear what she had to say. I am continueing to be strong (tough love) isn't a plan any mom wants to have to put into action but sometimes it is the only answer. If I have any changes I will post it.
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Unread 04-28-2012, 01:37 AM   #26
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Dear Mom's still praying,
Before I read Nancy's response I was thinking the same. Both forums are so supportive of each other, I post more over on the alcohol forum and I admire the family /loved ones - I truly believe they will help you as some have sons and daughters who are cross addicted , alcohol, cocaine, marajuana and all the drama that comes with the life.

I am glad to read that you heard that speaker's story, you are not alone. Keep reaching out to others.
Remember to take care of yourself, keep us posted and check out the other forums.

Take Care, Carly
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Unread 05-13-2012, 02:36 AM   #27
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Dear Mom's still praying,

I wanted to check in with you, it has been a while and hope you have a nice day tomorrow. Take good care, Carly
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Unread 05-21-2012, 04:55 PM   #28
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Good afternoon Carly,
Thanks for checking up on me. Nothing has changed with our situation. We have had our grandson for 5 months today. I have mixed emotions about it all today. So thankful he is safe and that we get to enjoy him as he developes into a little toddler, but so sad that his mommy is missing all this...I just keep praying, educating myself and hoping for this all to end soon. Hope you all had a good Moms day too.
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Unread 05-21-2012, 11:12 PM   #29
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Dear Mom's Still Praying,
Thank you for posting .
I am glad to see an update from you and can imagine Mother's Day was bittersweet, as you posted: mixed emotions. I loved the toddler stage : )

I don't know where you all are in the process - Is there a plan in place yet ?
I hope you have a caring worker/advocate to advise you and be there for you, because this seems like such a tough situation that impacts everyone.
Hang in there, and , like your screen name " Mom's still praying", if prayer is what gets you through, keep it up, lean on all your positive supports, faith, and if you want to look into Al Anon or other support it might be helpful ....
Keep us posted or if you want to just vent .... take care , best to you and your family , Carly
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Last edited by CarlyO; 05-21-2012 at 11:16 PM..
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Unread 05-24-2012, 07:42 PM   #30
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Good afternoon,

Shortly after I posted a few days ago I recieved a message from my daughter. She met with her lawyer and case worker. They are going to set up visitation for her with her son at our home. I spoke to the case worker and she said that my daughter needs a light at the end of the tunnel and she is afraid we are running out of time because the longer my daughter stays away from her son the easier it will get to continue this pattern. She said that if she could just spend some time with him and see how he is devoloping and growing it just might be the light she needs. It is very scary We (my husband and I) will facilitate these meetings 3 times a week 1 hour at each visit. She must be sober at all visits. I want this for her I really do but my stomach turns at the thought of what might happen if she comes to a visit on drugs. A dear friend told me to not think like that she hasn't even showed up yet and a visit hasn't even happened...don't borrow trouble!! Just keep us in your thoughts and prays for us to be STRONG during this process. Thanks again for allowing me to share.
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Unread 05-25-2012, 08:10 AM   #31
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Hi Moms still praying, your friend has good advice, but it is hard to not worry. What if you went to a drug store and bought some urine drug tests for meth and make it part of the visitation process. The first thing she does when she comes to your home is take the test. If it comes up positive for meth, then she goes right back out the door without even a glimpse of your son. If not, then she is allowed to visit for the hour.

It could just be an extra precaution so that you know that she's not under the influence and that she knows that you will not accept her there under the influence.

I will keep you and your family in my thoughts.

Nancy
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Unread 05-26-2012, 01:42 AM   #32
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Dear Moms' Still Praying,

It does sound like the case worker cares and is trying to help your daughter with the suggestion that she visit in hopes that seeing her son will be her "light" that she so desperately needs. And I am thinking that maybe your daughter has not spent enough time with her son to bond?
And Nancy has a good idea about the tests. Stick to the plan you decide on.
Thank you for the update, I am so glad you have a good friend to confide in and I hope the visits go well. I am wondering : if after the visits it leaves her feeling empty, craving, does anyone know what she is thinking , feeling does she realize what is at stake ? ... Keep trying to encourage her to talk to her case workers, counselors any supports that have been recommended. You are doing your best and that is all you can do.
Sending you /your family prayers , take good care, Carly
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Unread 06-18-2012, 02:37 PM   #33
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Good morning,
My daughter had her 20th birthday yesterday on Fathers Day. Saturday morning over breakfast my husband broke down because of this. He keeps everything in all the time and I know this is all very hard on him just like it is on me. We decided to allow her to come to the house for a few hours on Bday and spend some time with us. She asked to use our washer and dryer and we allowed that. It was hard but I truly believe she was clean. She had aged so much in last 6 months (her youthful looks are gone). My daughter and I spent some time talking yesterday and she told me meth is a demon that wants to be her best friend and just won't let go. It breaks my heart...but her openness is a positive thing I think. Thanks for letting me share and thank you for your thoughts and prayers for my family.
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Unread 06-18-2012, 07:58 PM   #34
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Hi Moms still praying, I agree with you that her talking with you about it is a positive thing. I did some looking around and found this link:

http://www.heretohelp.bc.ca/publicat.../meth-quitting

If you get a chance, please take a look at it. It's how to quit, but doesn't say just stop. Do you think that it's something that your daughter would be willing to read; do you think it might get her thinking? Maybe even something she might be willing to try?

Please keep us posted when you can. Your family is in my thoughts.

Nancy
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Unread 06-27-2012, 01:28 PM   #35
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I printed the web site information out and gave it to my daughter. She took it but I am not sure if she has read it. She made it to a family meeting with the state worker, lawyer, her dad and I. This was a 1st for her to make it to one of these. It was a positive meeting talking about reuniting her and her son. It wasn't easy tears fell from her dads eyes as he was asked what kind of mother she was before all this...tears fell from her eyes and she said all I want is my mom to be by my side...tears fell from my eyes as I told her I would help her with the visits, with any thing I can but I must think of Troy 1st for her....Those worker from the state all had compassion in there eyes along with the lawyer..end results she has picked a place for treatment now we just have to focus on getting her an assessment to go forward. This is one more step in the right direction for her making it to this appointment....Thank you for listening!
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Unread 06-29-2012, 12:46 AM   #36
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Dear Moms Still Praying,

What an emotional meeting, but it does sound promising that she was there and there is dialogue. I am relieved she has a supportive team, I pray she stays in treatment, believes in herself, and fights this demon with all her might and with every support available to her.Keep us posted when you have time, sending prayers. Take care,
Carly
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Unread 06-29-2012, 10:06 AM   #37
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Hi Moms still praying, such a positive turn of events! I'm thankful that there was compassion shown by the lawyer and the people from the state. I'm sure it makes it a lot easier for everyone.

I'm keeping you all in my thoughts that the assessment happens quickly so she can continue in this positive momentum.

Thanks so much for letting us know!

Nancy
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Unread 07-06-2012, 05:29 PM   #38
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Dear Mom still Praying,

Just checking in with you, I hope you and family are well and that your daughter is working on her addiction. Hang in there, take care, Carly
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Unread 07-18-2012, 01:36 PM   #39
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Hello,
No treatment yet but attitude is changing....She is spending alot of time with family and to me that is positive. She went to a concert/family day that was sponsered by Celebrate Recovery over the weekend. I am hoping to invite her to a meeting and for her to except the invitation but I am not sure if she will. Her son is so in love with his mommy...It is nice to see them interact. It is sad though when she leaves he is starting to miss her. I just wanted to give you all a quick up date. Thanks for listening.
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Unread 07-18-2012, 07:01 PM   #40
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Dear Momstillpraying,

Thank you for the update and happy that things are looking more positive.
Is her case worker still helping the family?
I think they have done a good job, from what you have posted it sounds like they really are pulling for her. Imo - don't hesitate to ask for help if you or your family needs it. Especially as your grandson grows, matures, he will have many questions.

**Just FYI : Nancy gave you the links for the Friends and Family on Alcohol and Opiate forum. When you have time, SoCalGal, has gone through a similar situation, I posted the link and Heartsick is about to go through it. SoCalGal posted a lot of helpful info.

Take care and Hope things continue to progress, take care, Carly

Link to thread :
http://www.addictionsurvivors.org/vb...t=27324&page=3
Friends and Family :
http://www.addictionsurvivors.org/vb...splay.php?f=65
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Unread 07-19-2012, 07:46 AM   #41
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Hi Moms still praying, that does sound very positive! I hope that she continues to spend time with the family and her son. If she doesn't accept your invitation to the meeting, then you can always ask again another time. At least she'll know that you're there helping support her efforts.

Thanks so much for the update. You're all in my thoughts.

Nancy
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Unread 08-15-2012, 08:18 PM   #42
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She is slamming dope I just found out this very moment and I am sick just so sick. This nightmare just never stops. I try so hard to be positive and love her but this addiction is beginning to wear on me...this ugly horrible drug has robbed my grandson and taken his mother he once new away! I am so angry so frusterated...I continue to learn and reach out in recovery but this...knowing this...has just taken all the wind out of my sail.......My HOPE...oh my hope I am so trying to hold on too........I know people recover I have seen it with my own eyes.....but my question how much of her is going to be left if she does decide to recover...I'm fighting a battle that is the worst battle a person could fight. I refuse to give up but this is so HARD. Please continue to pray for my girl...Moms still praying and will never stop!!!
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Unread 08-15-2012, 09:17 PM   #43
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Hi Moms still praying, I'm so sad to read that. She seemed to be moving forward and then this. Do you know if she has stopped the meth or is she still doing that and now, by dope, I'm assuming you mean heroin? If so, do you think there's any way she would even look into Suboxone treatment and maybe that could be a start for a full recovery program?

Please let us know if there's anything we can do. You are all in my thoughts.

Nancy
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Unread 08-21-2012, 07:39 PM   #44
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Moms still praying View Post
She is slamming dope I just found out this very moment and I am sick just so sick. This nightmare just never stops. I try so hard to be positive and love her but this addiction is beginning to wear on me...this ugly horrible drug has robbed my grandson and taken his mother he once new away! I am so angry so frusterated...I continue to learn and reach out in recovery but this...knowing this...has just taken all the wind out of my sail.......My HOPE...oh my hope I am so trying to hold on too........I know people recover I have seen it with my own eyes.....but my question how much of her is going to be left if she does decide to recover...I'm fighting a battle that is the worst battle a person could fight. I refuse to give up but this is so HARD. Please continue to pray for my girl...Moms still praying and will never stop!!!
Dear Moms still praying,
I am so sorry to that this is happening. Yes, people do recover everyday, however you may need to prepare yourself difficult decisions, in that what will happen if she refuses help? Can you talk with a professional, attend AlAnon or other family group? I gave you the link for the alcohol forum, as there are 2 families going through a similar situation, the substances are cocaine, meth, alcohol - it really doesn't matter the substance, when your children and your children's children are involved it helps to read other family's experiences.
Always keep hope alive, but understand addiction is a disease that makes us very selfish and self destructive, I pray she seeks help. In the meantime you still need remember to take care of yourself ! Sending prayers your way, Carly
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Unread 08-24-2012, 08:18 PM   #45
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Thank you all for your words and encouragement. I am seeking help for myself. I have a very good group I attend that I have learned alot from. I guess no matter how much help you seek, how much you hope and how much you pray the only person that can change is my daughter. The state is very close to calling it the end of the time line because visits are all she is doing with no treatment of any kind. This means my husbend and I will soon become guardians of our 2 1/2 year old grandson. I am having so many mixed emotions about this, I love him more than life..I want him to have stability and a safe home, but it is so hard. We raised 4 kiddo's and were so excited to have some (freedom). I guess freedom isn't ours to have and we will be raising another child. The pain for my daughter is so great but I am so tired and trying to get her to drug assestment, meetings, have family visits for her just for her not show up. FRUSTERATION is setting in. SELFISH she is!! Not even putting her son at all 1st...hard to fathom but true. Thanks again!
Moms still prayer...
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Unread 08-25-2012, 05:40 PM   #46
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Praying Mom,
oh how I feel your pain. I have been in your shoes with my own daughter. The reason I saw your post, is because I often post in the opiate forum. I was addicted to opiates for 10 years. Started innocently with a doctor and progressed from there. No one knew about it, for many years as I was a highly funtioning addict I guess.

My daughter got pregnant when she was 17, and had a baby boy. At that time my 2 other boys where out of the house, and my husband and I were beginning to make plans for our future. We insisted if she was going to keep the baby, she would raise him. we helped her get her apartment and everything she needed, and get on housing assitance, medicaid and food stamps until she could get on her feet. When the baby was born the boyfriend who had been out of the picture for several months shows up at the birth, andgoes home with my daughter and moves in. We were dissapointed but what could we do. By the time the baby was 3 days old, they had a horrible fight and we picked her up at 3am with the baby. The bassinet was smashed against the wall, and we though...here we go. My daughter ended up going back to him while we kept the baby because of the danger. So here they are living in the aprtment while I am keeping the baby. He had bad drug problems and soon my daughter did. Long story short, we had the baby almost all the time. They continued to fight and call the cops on each other on a regular basis. It was a mess!

The father actually ended up getting custody, because my daughter did not show for court. We had the child almost all the time, but any time dad showed up we had to let him go. At that time we were afraid if we didnt, he wouldnt let us see him at all. He never kept him more that a couple days, but my grandson was 2 by then and did not want to go. We would fine him a few days later hungry dirty with dad sleeping. My daughter only had supervised visitation at our house, because of her rocky relationship with the dad and she ended up being charged with assualt as well as him. As the years passed the dad only showed up a few times. My dughter missed at least 3/4 of her visitation and it got to the point we wouldnt even tell him, to avoid his dissapointment. By this time she was living on people couches, couldnt hold a job, and was heavey into many drugs. When ever she did visit, she was resentful and would always ask to take him somewhere and when we had to say no, she would storm out. She would go to her friends tell them how horrible we were and were not letting her be his mother. all of her messed up friends agreed, that she was a excellent mother and we were horrible.then of course because of her guilt she would use even more. This went on to long, same things text, calls, one minute she wants help, the next minute she is raging. I had sought help for my addiction when my grandson was a baby, I realized how bad he needed me, and I needed to get my own head on straight. The extra energy from the pills I was abusing, helped in the early days after his birth, but I knew I couldnt go on like that. I have been addiction free almost 4 years and am grateful. When I would ask my dughter to get help, because of my own addiction, I had an inside view of just what that would take. The biggest thing it takes is your own desire to do this for yourself, and she didnt have that yet.

We went through al the things you went through, with the added fear of the dad showing up. We tried everything, the only thing that finally worked was doing the tough love and cutting her from our lives. I erased the text without reading them and did not take her calls, no more visits either. we let her know the minute she was serious and wanted to go to rehab we would be there 100%. He brothers and other family members cut her off to, no communication whatsoever. This went on quit awhile maybe 6 months. Without having any family to fall back on, she dicided that she had to get help and set it up on her own. he couldnt reley on her friends as they had no money or homes either. She had to sleep wherever and we live in Alaska, so that got old and scary fairly fast. It was very hard, and I am sure I had all the same fears as you. What if she OD and died while she was out there, thinking we didnt care, I would never forgive myself! It was very hard, but afterwhile I found some peace, we werent living on this constant roller coaster of her showing up on drugs. You can not reason with them in that state, and they can make promise after promise they can not keep. They are ill with a disease, just like I was. You have to literlally get sick and tired of being sick and tired. We decided at that point every decision we made would be based on my grandsons best interest, and no longer her best interest anymore. Sometimes we werent truthful with the social worker, as we did not want to get her in more trouble. we quit doing that and finally we got some peace. Yes I worried about her, but I made my grandson my priority. I was still working had to bring him to work and arrange daycare. It sure wasnt what I had planned. As time went by we grew to love him and be protetive of him, we had to give him enough love, to cover for both his parents. We preserved his relationship and told him everynight how much his parents loved him but just couldnt be there.

My husband and myself became parent again in our 40's and 50's
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Unread 08-25-2012, 06:19 PM   #47
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sorry hit the post button, we were not expecting this, but oh what a joy it was, when we embraced it. We were far better grandparent then we were with our kids, because of our age and patience and all the mistakes we had made with our own children, we got to make up. We always knew he wasnt ours, and someday our hearsts might get broken. We could have adipted him at a point, but still had hopes for our daughter. We didnt want to take that away, and the state was not forcing us to yet.

Time went by and my dughter had no money, had burned all her friends I assume in drug deals and they got sick of her telling them how she was wronged and what a good mother she was while she was sitting their doing drugs. She found herself with no where to go, and no one to turn to.She got herself into rehab and we were notified. She went to an agency here in our little town. They would get her a rt ticket, but she had to work out a payment plan, when she finished treatment and got her life on track. I know she wanted to leave at first, but had absolutly no where to go. And if she left treatment the RT ticket would not be there for her. She called us after she had been there 2-3 weeks, and cried her eyes out. Her head was clear and she was so ashamed of all she had put us through. We had hope for the first time, and so did she. She competd treatment, came home and did intensive outpatient. She was in treatment 60 days. She continued to work with cunselors here at home, and decided to go to beauty school. They helped her wit loans and scholerships and she did a program at the university of Fairbanks thru the college, lived in the dorms and also took other classes to get her associates. Everything she did in cosmetoligy school she got credits for to be applied to an art degree. What a great program it was 18 months log, We took the ferry last year with her son and drove to her graduation in her new car we had bought her. We were so proud of her. This time she did everything she said she was going to do, and now had a good career and her whole life in front of her. My grandson started Kindergarten and she moved home, got an place right next door to us. We would start having her son spend nights with her and eventually move in. She got a great job, but she had a boyfriend we didnt really know she was that serious with. She said when she got home she would only live with her son for at least 6 months to give him her full attention. The first night hespent with her, I was happy for her, but we had gotten so attached to him, it was hard. I was also happy for my Grandson, because we had told him, that one day this would happen. Well it didnt go all as planned, the boyfriend moved in, and is a great guy, he loved my grandson and was great with him. However he moved off island after a few months to work in Anchorage doing construction. He was only here about 3 months. When he moved my daughter came to us and said that when my grandson completed school they would move to be with him. Oh panic sets in, this cant be. We have to get her to change her mind, maybe they will break up?? This was January. Because her boyfriend was gone, and she was working long hours, my grnadson continued to stay with us most the time. She was not doing drugs, but was enjoying her work and social life. It was so easy because mom and dad were right next door, and of course we didnt mind. we loved him so much and had become a family over the years. His room was in my house, his toys and all his pictures her had made in preschool and kindergarten on the walls.

He left with his mom 3 weeks ago today. My heart is absolutly broken, and some days it is hard to even get out of bed. My life feels so empty. I knew it was going to be hard, but not this hard. I have been living in this sadness sinse last January when she first told us. He cried when he left, but was excited to go to a city. We live on a island with just a few stores. Now he wants to come home. He told his grampa today he was going to sit in the window and wait for him to drive up and get him. His mom said if he had a hard time she would send him home. I know that would break her heart, because she worked so hard to get him back. We have to get him to try, but in the end, we all want him to be happy. I can learn to be happy if he is happy. We are only a 1 hour plane ride away.

I guess I want to tell you there is hope, but I found the tough love is the only thing that works. As hard as it is, the sooner you do it, the sooner you may get results. You would think my story has a happy ending, and it should be one, we got everything we wanted. My daughter back, and her being a mother to her son. So why am I so miserable? I love my dughter and am not selfish when it comes to my kids, I will do anything for them. Sometimes I wish I would have adopted him all those years ago. He is 6 today and lived almost his entire life with us. I always knew I wasnt his mother, but when you do everything a mother would do for a child, those bonds are formed, and it feels like someone came in and took my 6 years old child. I am still very early in this process, so I cant tell you it gets easier. If your daughter doesnt get better, you will always have this child, and as the years go by you will get more and more attached. If your daughter does get better, she will take her child, and start living her life. You may be ready for that day, afterall that means your dughter beat this horrible addiction right? I would have told you 6 years ago, that as long as my daughter got better, I would give anything. Now I am asking to give "the anything" I prayed about everyday, and it is so hard. Has he lived with us so long, he will not be able to adapt to living with his mom and truley be happy, I don't know. I imagine if he does come back, we are basically saying he will live with us. If I am happy my daughter will be sad, and if she is happy, I am sad. ITS SO HARD. I cry evryday, the days dont bring relief, it gets harder. I have went through many things in life, but this is by far the hardest. I started a thread or two about it several years ago on the opiate site. someday I will go back and read it all.

I just wanted to share my story. I see so much of what I went through, in your story. I know you are also going thru the same hell I did.

My thought and prayers are with you and your family,

vhappy
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Unread 08-25-2012, 11:17 PM   #48
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Wow sorry about all the typos, I used my tablet, and was having a hard time scrolling back.:-)
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Unread 08-27-2012, 01:45 PM   #49
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vhappy,
Thank you so much for taking the time to share your story with me. I am amazed 1st that you found my post and took the time to write. It is the perfect time for me to hear what you have had to say. The fact that you and your family had to show "tough love" and the results of that. The fact that you praying for her and would "give anything". Sharing your brokeness that you face today because of the answered prayers you have recieved. I am just in tears reading your story, hoping so much that my daughter succeeds some day with rehab and has a life, but also the pain you are facing this day is a pain I know I will have to face in my future. My husband and I had a break this weekend for a whole day. My oldest son took our grandson Saturday night and is keeping him until afterwork today. Last night it was so quiet in our house my husband and I just looked at each other missing him and his energy in the house. I am so thankful for the quiet time but I know some day that time may be forever if she gets it together. It is so hard because we love him so much and reading your post has reminded me how much we do. I had a couple of tough days last week doing the "poor me" " I can't do this" and so on and so on. With you coming forward and sharing all that you have has shook me and made me realize that as you said "the joy" it truly is if we just embrace it. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Through all of this I have learned "our plans" are not ours to plan because someone that knows much more is in charge of our lives. Do you have any kind of support group that you attend? I do I attend a CR (celebration recovery group) this is a faith based 12 step program. It has help me so much in this journey that I am on. Please stay in contact I would love to here updates on how everything is going with you family. GODBLESS!
Moms still praying
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Unread 08-27-2012, 03:46 PM   #50
CarlyO
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Dear Vhappy,
Thank you for sharing your amazing and bittersweet experience. Congrats on your recovery and stay vigilante as I can imagine the low days you feel with his absence. This is something that no one can prepare you for, feel your feelings, it will take time and support. Is an agency providing them with counseling, I hope so. I pray that you find peace with the situation and that your grandson adjusts especially that your daughter provides him with a healthy , loving environment. Again, thank you for sharing this life story as it will help so many people.
Take care of yourself, sending prayers to you all, Carly
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