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Unread 08-20-2010, 10:30 PM   #1
Fiedler
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Default I think he's cheating

As if my life needed this wrench thrown into it, but just a few hours ago, by accident, I think I found out my husband is cheating on me. My aunt happened to call me to see if I was going to her son's party and she asked me how my husband's mom was feeling. I answered with "good", but thought she must have been thinking of someone else. Then the wheels started turning in my head. The only person that she talks to that my husband knows is her son-in-law b/c he and my husband work together. So I have this whole story in my mind. ( I know I haven't substantiated anything yet, but there is more to this story and you guys can tell me what you think.) I think he told his coworkers that his mom is sick so he can take time off from work and have an affair. Sounds outlandish now that I see it in print. But he has been acting strange and working extra long hours. I also found a new phone number on his cellphone. Several of these appear. When he goes to bed tonight, I am going to see what I can f ind out. I might even try a reverse phone number. I already know it's a landline, and I want to see if it lists who it is. Funny how this number doesn't appear on our home phone, only on his cellphone dozens of times within the past few days. If this happens to be the true that he is cheating, I will not hesitate to leave the son of a bitch. With everything I've been struggling with over the years, this will end it for sure. Thanks you guys and let me know if I'm blowing this out of proportion.

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Unread 08-21-2010, 10:37 AM   #2
Fiedler
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Well, I guess I let my imagination run wild. The numbers were of a local window replacement store. He told me they kept calling his cellphone. I checked the phone book and the number is the same. But I checked his phone and he also called the number a few times. I will ask him why later. Sorry I posted too soon last night. The sad thing is, I was actually hoping he was cheating so it would give me the excuse to leave him. Is it normal to feel like this??? I know it's easier for me to make the decision based on HIS behavior instead of doing what's best for ME. I still keep going back to the kids. I don't want to screw up their lives if I leave him. Who's to say their lives will be screwed up? No one, but I don't want to be responsible for disrupting their security. I keep reading "Living with a Functioning Alcoholic", by Dr. Neill Neill and it helps to see that I am engaging in what he calls the "alcoholic dance" with my husband. It's time to focus on me. It's just so hard.

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Unread 08-21-2010, 01:03 PM   #3
CarlyO
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Dear Fielder,
I am relieved that the numbers were not those of a female. Secretly wishing him to be cheating and actually feeling the emotions of a spouse that does cheat can be 2 separate animals. Being cheated on imo- is like being punched in the gut, pulls the rug out from under you, to name a few.... and do you need more complications?
I think you have so much insight and it does speak to where you are with him, his drinking, etc... I know you are aware of this - sounds like you want something external something Final, to be the catalyst that forces a decision, a change.
IMO- for many dealing with a loved one who misuses alcohol continue to be in denial, not seeking help can often be reasons all on their own to consider a plan of change. It sounds like you are feeling powerless which is understandable, ultimately these decisions will have to made by you.

I know none of this is easy, keep us posted and take care of YOU ! Carly
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Unread 08-21-2010, 10:01 PM   #4
CASEY
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Fielder,

You know when you ask about the " Cheating", you will most likely be lied to!

You really need to fimd out=otherwise it will drive you insane!! I have a friend who believed her boyfriend - I did not.

When she finally had no choice but to accept it, she was hurt - but she is better off
without him. ( she tell's me - you are just so strong), I said I may be , but for ME = That is a " DEAL BREAKER"! I know it is hard, but there is someone out there for you . who will not hurt you. You " DESERVE" more.

If you ignore it, it is going to cause you alot of stress. and alot of anger that you do not even realize you even have, but you have to keep saying to yourself;" I MATTER!!"
because you do

casey

Last edited by CASEY; 08-21-2010 at 10:12 PM.. Reason: wrng word
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Unread 08-22-2010, 06:16 PM   #5
1418
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Hi Fielder,

I understand what you mean about having something "concrete" to happen to give you the final push to make a decision about staying or leaving. I was in the same position, but then when I found out he was cheating - I was devastated and begged him to stay (PUKE). But - that is where I was at the time. I wasn't ready to leave.

Have you ever thought about leaving in the terms of being not so final? It is okay to say to yourself, "I love him but I don't love the drinking and the man I married is not this person. So I am leaving, but he will have the option of earning back my love, trust, etc. by taking action and responsiblity for his drinking." Leaving often does mean it is final. I wasn't able to do what I am referring to above, but I had absolutely had it. No question in my mind we were finished.

Today I was over at my ex's house helping him drag disgusting junk out of his basement for a garage sale. My son was able to see the two of us interacting, laughing together, and being friends. It is possible - but keep in mind, I confronted my ex today when hauling things upstairs, because I thought I smelled beer on his breath. I'm still not confident that he wasn't drinking. He said it was the smell of soup, and that he doesn't have any alcohol in the house. I didn't believe him - so my son and I left.

Sorry for the rambling. I guess my point is, you seem to be thinking about staying and leaving in black and white terms. I don't think it is necessarily black and white. I think it is okay for kids to see you say that you don't like this and you want something better for yourself and for them, and that you are saying no more... AND, that you would consider having your
"ex" in your life again, but only after he has earned it.

I hope this helps. I know what it is like to read emails, wait until he falls alseep to review his calls, reverse looks ups... I even went as far as to call around for a private investigator. In the end, I didn't hire a PI. The very fact that I felt the need to do those things told me that our relationship was over (for me anyway).

Hang in there. I'll be thinking about you!!!!
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Unread 08-24-2010, 12:13 PM   #6
Fiedler
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1418-

Thank you for your advice. I totally understand the point you were making. It just seems like every time I think we will be all right, something else happens. Sunday we had a nice talk. He actually engaged in the conversation and started off by saying that he knows he has a problem, but that he has a "plan". I know this plan won't work, b/c he isn't willing to seek help. I didn't tell him that, but I told him that I will not take responsibility for his drinking anymore. It is up to him to stop, not me. He apologized for his behavior the night before and told me he wants us to work on our relationship. The conversation was good and I felt a lot better. Then I find out that while I am gone Saturday, he was looking at porn on the computer. He was supposed to be watching our children, To make matters worse, when our son needed him, he locked him out. My daughter was afraid to tell me this until last night. She saw the site he was on and accidentally walked in. Then he decided to lock the door. When I confronted him,I asked him if he knew was this site was and he said it must be a mistake. Once I told him our daughter saw him, he admitted it and had the gall to blame me for not giving him enough sex. Our middle son said he has seen his father on it as well. WHAT KIND OF AN EXAMPLE IS THIS!!!!! I know I said I wanted tostay with him b/c of the kids, but not if this is what he is going to do when I'm out. He asked me what I wanted him to do and I told him" say you're sorry and that you won't do it again". So he did, but I don't believe a word out of his mouth anymore. I can't trust him. What should I do???
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Unread 08-24-2010, 06:04 PM   #7
1418
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Fielder,

I am sorry, and I understand. My ex was watching porn on our big screen tv regularly. I knew he watched it, but not during the day when he was supposedly spending time with our son. Our son was embarassed becasue he and a friend were looking through the window and saw his father watching porn. Playing armchair psychologist - my guess is anything that reduces their (the alcoholic) anxiety level - they engage in. For some men - that is porn.

You asked what you should do. I feel like I know you well enough from your postings that you know we can't tell you what to do. The fact that you are asking us tells me that you are missing a few data points and you aren't ready to make a decision.

What additional information do you need? Are you wondering about the logistics of leaving? Or are you wondering about the best way to tell your kids? HOw to find housing? Or are you still wondering if he will get help? You can google many of the topics to get information. On the last topic of wondering if he will get help... You indicated in your post that he wants to get better but is unwilling to seek help. He is half-way, and he won't get better until he WANTS to get better and actually owns the steps to get better.

If you leave (NOT saying you should, but IF you decide to leave), the best thing that could happen is that it could spur him into getting help. The worst thing - is that you live you life without him under the same roof. I can tell you from experinece since kids are involved - he won't be out of your life, but just not under your roof.

I hope this helps. Hang in there. The "noise" in your head will quiet down when you are ready to relax a bit, and then you will know what you want to do. Your head and heart will align at some point in time, and then you will clearly know what you want. Hang in there.
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Unread 08-26-2010, 09:38 AM   #8
Magda
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I agree that in your mind you already have the answer as to what you should do. Children being exposed to pornographic images- no matter how sudden, have a negative impact on the child's emotions. It is the shock of the exposure and it stays with the child. Once I was living with my ex and he left a porn tape in the VCR- when my daughter turned it on- there was the porn. She was traumatized by it and soon after this happened- He left our home because he did not respect the fact that there was a minor in our home. My daughter had to attend therapy and it ultimately caused allot of unnecessary problems for both of us.
Exposure to alcoholism, porn, or any addictive behavior impacts children in ways we don't like to think about. We have to advocate for our children first and when our spouse is the one who is impacting the children negatively- it becomes so confusing and we weigh what will have to be done next.
Only YOU can decide, and it is tough- but boundaries are very important with alcoholism. Co-dependency stops us from being able to make clear choices when these incidents arise. If it helps at all-think about learning more of co-dependency. I think you will be amazed at what you find.
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Important disclaimer: Any information in this post is not and does not constitute medical advice under any circumstances. Addiction Survivors, Inc. does not warranty or guarantee the accurateness, completeness, adequacy or currency of the information contained in or linked to the Site. Your use of information on the Site or materials linked to the Site is entirely at your own risk. NEVER take any online advice over that of a qualified healthcare provider. Any information contained on AddictionSurvivors.org should only serve to inspire further investigation with credible, verifiable references sources such as your physician or therapist.
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Unread 08-26-2010, 10:27 AM   #9
Fiedler
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Magda-

Thank you for your post. Since last weekend, I have been struggling. The sad thing is, that my respect and trust for my husband are gone. Truly gone. I look at him and I try to feel something and I just don't. But I feel sorry for him. I know that deep down he is sorry for what he did, but is unequipped to deal with it. I told him that he learned from a young age to drown his feelings and I fear it is too late for him to change. I know I want to leave, but my kids are what is stopping me. I have consulted my priest for advice and hopefully he will help me further. Other than that, I'm still in a limbo.

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Unread 08-26-2010, 11:58 AM   #10
R. Lee
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Fiedler, It is not too late for him to change if he is willing to work at his alcoholism 100%.

You say you want to leave him but your kids are stopping you.

It sounds like he is addicted to other thigs besides alcohol.

He is a me, me, me person always putting his wants 1st. If he is addicted to porn what other devious acts is he up too?

What kind of father would be so careless to be watching porn with the chance that your daughter or son could see what he was watching. Then after your daughter sees what he was watching he goes & locks the kids out of the room so he can continue to watch his porn.

I don't think your kids are in a safe environment around your husband. He is toxic to their upbringing.

You have some tough decisions to make. I wish you the best is your decisions.
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Unread 08-27-2010, 11:49 AM   #11
Fiedler
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RLee-

It is so heartbreaking for me to think that my husband could be the man you think he is. I told him last night that he is only occupied with himself and he was sincerely confused, totally didn't know what I meant by that. I told him that he spends his time on things he wants to do instead of putting his family first. Then he blamed me b/c I don't like to do any of the things he likes. Can anyone really be this clueless???? He just doesn't get it and that is what I told him. I am really at my wits end and don't know how I can live with him anymore. It's all just too much. We totally clash and this latest porn thing has really gotten to me.

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Unread 08-27-2010, 10:03 PM   #12
Magda
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I agree about him being able to change- it is totally possible, but it may come far too late. My child's father came to pick her up today for visitation. He had his younger daughter with him, she's 4 and is so beautiful and loving. In the ten minutes she was here- she boasted, "I love you Daddy, I love you sissy". It was really cute- but I looked at him and could not help but notice that his drinking has taken its toll on his health. He looked sick, and he is only 40. I am concerned, but I have to have boundaries because I am married and I cannot get sucked into his disease anymore. I thought to myself, "it is so sad that he is finally being a good father and is sick from alcohol- he has liver issues, but I don't know much more. Maybe he is making up for his mistakes- maybe he is sicker than he is telling me- but I just wish things could have been different much sooner.
My daughter has been through allot- she deserves the best life possible and when her Dad was at his worst, I had to draw a line. I had to protect her- there are just some things kids do not need to deal with, ya know? Life is hard enough these days without an alcoholic parent. I know in time your answer will come to you- we all do things on our own time frame and we all have our final straw, you will have yours- it sounds like you are very close. The love you once had is turning to pity - I hope he sees how much he needs help one day, for your kids sake.
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Important disclaimer: Any information in this post is not and does not constitute medical advice under any circumstances. Addiction Survivors, Inc. does not warranty or guarantee the accurateness, completeness, adequacy or currency of the information contained in or linked to the Site. Your use of information on the Site or materials linked to the Site is entirely at your own risk. NEVER take any online advice over that of a qualified healthcare provider. Any information contained on AddictionSurvivors.org should only serve to inspire further investigation with credible, verifiable references sources such as your physician or therapist.
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Unread 09-01-2010, 02:47 PM   #13
SLynn
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Hi Fiedler

I've wanted to respond to this earlier but my computer was being worked on and then some of it's memory erased and I couldn't get to the site....then I was out of town. Grrr to computer problems!!

First off, I don't blame you one bit for being cautious and/or suspicious of his every move, phone call, etc... His track record and disease prevents this for you, his wife.

I'm glad that it turned out to be nothing but I must say, it occurred to me that this may be what it took for you to move forward with your life. It's not my place to say what's best for you but as an outsider, you seem SO unhappy. I just want to see you happy.

I also want to say that as the child of an alcoholic father, I was in better shape after my parents separated/divorced because what I was living in was dysfunction. You keep saying that you want to stay together for the kids but what you may be teaching them is this is "normal". I have to wonder if they don't feel/see/sense your disdain for your husband?? Do they see affection between you? Hugs, kisses, etc? Are they learning what a healthy relationship is so that they may grow up and expect the same? I know some days are better than others but these are the thoughts that go through my mind as I read your posts. It's really none of my business...just my thoughts as I pull from my own experience.

I hope your last conversation with him as made him think even though it seemed as if he is clueless. There's always hope...

SLynn
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Important disclaimer: Any information in this post is not and does not constitute medical advice under any circumstances. Addiction Survivors, Inc. does not warranty or guarantee the accurateness, completeness, adequacy or currency of the information contained in or linked to the Site. Your use of information on the Site or materials linked to the Site is entirely at your own risk. NEVER take any online advice over that of a qualified healthcare provider. Any information contained on AddictionSurvivors.org should only serve to inspire further investigation with credible, verifiable references sources such as your physician or therapist.
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