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Unread 01-11-2010, 10:33 AM   #1
joshuasmom
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Default How can I get him out of our lives for good?!?!

I'm so sick of my ex disappearing for months and months on end and then after a pathetic one month of sobriety think he's ready to be a father and want to start seeing our son only to abandom him again. This has gone on about 2 to 3 times a year since my son was born 7 years ago and I need it to stop. I can't do this anymore. I can't let him hurt our little boy anymore. I'm so tired and frustrated and confused. I just want him out of our lives for ever, so we can move on and be happy...
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Unread 01-11-2010, 12:53 PM   #2
Fiedler
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Joshua's mom-

I don't know if you have posted before or not, but welcome!! Is there any way that you can consult a lawyer and possibly pursue a situation where your ex can not see your son again?? I don't know the situation, but maybe if your husband has had several DWI's for example, or issues with taking care of your son while he's been drinking - might make it easier for you to make that happen. I feel for you as right now I am trying to make a decision whether to stay with my A husband. I admire you for taking that step. If I may ask - how did you start going about leaving him?

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Unread 01-11-2010, 01:45 PM   #3
joshuasmom
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Hi Fiedler,

Thanks for the response. I desperately needed to vent to someone today. I could try to consult a lawyer, but as of now I feel I have the upper hand because we haven't gone through the courts and I know he's afraid to do so because he owes me child support up the wazoo! Honestly, I really could care less about the money. I've gone without his support for basically Joshua's entire life....even when we were together, because he could never keep a job or he would blow all his money if he was working. I'm just so afraid the courts would force me to give him some kind of visitation rights.

No DUIs, my ex is actually a drug addict not a drinker...potato/potato, he's an addict though. He has been in jail several times, arrested countless times, been living at his sisters and just took off in the middle of the night to not return for a week while he's supposed to be visiting with our son....yes, he did leave Josh in a safe place, but he left him none-the-less. Last time I let him see Josh I honest to god think he was using around him. I have no proof, but I know something was not right. I fear for Joshua's wellbeing when he's with his dad.

From the bottom of my heart, I feel for your pain and know how hard it is to make that decision. I attempted and thought about leaving my ex hundreds of times before I actually did it. I really don't know what made me make the final move....just had enough I guess. I think I was hurt so much to be with him that I finally felt that the damage was unrepairable and there was no going back to what we had even if he did get sober. I was sick of the thought of wasting my entire life away and sacrificing who I was to wait around for him to "get better". I just packed up all my stuff one day while he was gone and moved back in with my parents until I could get on my feet with Joshua alone. Needless to say it is 5 years later and he's still the same old addict. I look back and am so grateful that I didn't waste away another 5 years of my life waiting, hoping, hurting, losing and dying inside. I read the posts from women who are new to the relationship without any deep ties and I just want scream to them...."run like hell in the other direction!!!", but I know that it's not always so easy and that's not what they need to hear. I alienated everyone that told me to leave him. They didn't understand. That was probably one of the most difficult things I've ever had to do in my life....leaving him....but it was also the best thing I ever did. Do you have any children?
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Unread 01-11-2010, 01:56 PM   #4
Fiedler
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Yes, I have three children. I just posted under Venting again if youwant to read some of my posts. I think I am at that "I've had enough" stage. It breaks my heart to do this, but I know I have to do something. My oldest son is going to be heartbroken - he is so close to his Dad. I just feel it is the only way to get through to him. I got to thinking that even if he did get sober, it would not change what has happened. To get back to you though, since your ex has been in trouble a lot - that is leverage for getting the Courts to rule that he is an unfit father. I hope you seek counsel. I have to go, but will post later.

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Unread 01-12-2010, 04:58 PM   #5
CarlyO
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Dear Joshua'sMom,
You every right to be concerned and frustrated. What your ex is doing is not healthy for your son. I think you said in an older post the courts were not involved, but that may be the only way to stop this cycle, for you to get sole physical/legal custody so that you can make the decisions about visitation.
My dearest friend has the same issue, but.. after the first 3 years of no shows from the Dad /Ex and melt downs from her child, she decided to never , ever tell her child when the Dad was "planning" to visit because historically he never followed through. Now 4 years later - same thing, except the child never knows about the plans, it was too much to see the child get her hopes up, only to be so disappointed.
My friend had moved away and they would stay here for the few visits that were planned, and it was gut wrenching to watch what her child went through. It has taken a lot of work to undo that damage.
The last visit was a year ago, and even though she drove 4 hours to bring the child to visit the Dad - he still showed up late, had been drinking and who knows what else, her child was beyond consolation after the visit.
Because of his history and unwillingness to get help, they have a court mandate that he has to provide a request in advance to the mother for a supervised visit. She is fortunate in that for now she has the legal documents on her side.
I don't know if this helps but thought I would share.

Yes, It would be great if your ex would get the help he needs, but to put your son through that can be detrimental to him. Do you have any leverage ? If your son needs counseling, do not hesitate to get it for him.

My heart goes out to you and and your son. I think until your ex can prove he is consistent and stable, maybe another plan could be considered ?

Take care, Carly
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Unread 01-13-2010, 04:01 PM   #6
Magda
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joshuasmom-

Welcome to the community. Sorry about the hell you are going through, I too have a child that has a alcohol dependent father, all drugs are equally bad when children are involved, plus he has had his share of drug issues over the years also. I don't know if the laws are the same in your state as they are in Ohio, but unfortunately child support and visitation are seperate issues.A parent could owe back child support and visitation will still be enforced because ultimately a relationship with the absent parent is the goal.
I believe you would have to prove that the absent parent is unfit for visitation, in your case it should not be difficult.A judge could enforce urine screens for your ex or treatment, and that would be a good thing. I know your frustration runs deep and you do not want to see your child in pain, would your ex really pursue the matter in court knowing he has been so dysfunctional? Unless you have a visitation order in place, you should have all the control and be able to do what is best for your son, if you must go to court, you should gather anyone who can speak on the fact that your ex has been an addict, has been inconsistent as a father, etc. Also, I would create a log of all contact, missed visits, threats, etc. Documentation is actual proof, and I had a judge tell me that this will hold up in court over all else. The courts will give him an opportunity to get his life together, and hopefully he will some day, but until then the only concern you have is your son's safety.
I commend you for having the courage to leave.It is more harmful to expose a child to addict behavior than it is to have that parent not around, atleast that is what I have experienced. Now that my daughter is 15, she is fed up with her father and avoids visitation at times. He has called me and complained, and I told him that she is old enough to know what he is doing and she is tired of playing second fiddle to booze-end of discussion.

Go to court and make it concrete, nothing will change unless you change it, ya know? We all wish the problem'd parent would just spontaneously combust, but that isn't reality.Best of luck to you, and keep posting!
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Important disclaimer: Any information in this post is not and does not constitute medical advice under any circumstances. Addiction Survivors, Inc. does not warranty or guarantee the accurateness, completeness, adequacy or currency of the information contained in or linked to the Site. Your use of information on the Site or materials linked to the Site is entirely at your own risk. NEVER take any online advice over that of a qualified healthcare provider. Any information contained on AddictionSurvivors.org should only serve to inspire further investigation with credible, verifiable references sources such as your physician or therapist.
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Unread 01-15-2010, 09:55 AM   #7
joshuasmom
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Thank you so much, everyone, for your feedback. It helps to know people understand and sympathize. I appreciate the suggestions and I think I'm finally going to make the step to take legal action. I'm going to start looking into this today. My only questions is, (and I honestly don't mean to sound like I'm hoping he relapses, but it's the proven cycle of life for us) do you think it would be better for me to wait to call the courts until he slips again? If I contact them when he's going to meetings and trying to get his life together, I'm afraid they will sympathize with him and not understand that this is just a 3-month cycle that has repeated consistantly for the past 20+ years. Any thoughts on this? Regardless, I'm going to start looking into what I need to do to move forward. I'll keep you posted. Fortunately, I do have plenty of friends and family that have seen the wrath of my ex's drug abuse and how it affects my little guy, but I can't be sure of his family's support. When my ex is not around and on a crack-bender, his family supports me 100%....but, when he's trying to get clean things change.

On another note, I really like Magda's tip on keeping a log. I'm going to start doing so immediately! I only wish I had thought of that sooner.

Lastly, I agree that my son would benefit from some counceling and I'm going to look into that as well.

It really is amazing how the compassion and understanding of strangers can give you strength!
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Unread 01-15-2010, 11:31 PM   #8
Magda
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Yes it is amazing, because sometimes the answers we seek may come from the most unsuspected places. I am so grateful for the internet, it has given me so many true friends, so much education, and of course entertainment,lol.
If it were me, I would file now because if you are correct in your timing, by the time you get to court, he will have screwed up. If you wait til that happens, you give him an opportunity to straighten out before court. The element of surprise is usually the best course of action.Glad you like the documentation idea, it really helps in court.
Even if your ex-in laws are supportive some of the time- do not rely on them because blood runs thicker than water, especially in these situations.
Just stay on top of the situation, everything will work out as it is meant to.
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Important disclaimer: Any information in this post is not and does not constitute medical advice under any circumstances. Addiction Survivors, Inc. does not warranty or guarantee the accurateness, completeness, adequacy or currency of the information contained in or linked to the Site. Your use of information on the Site or materials linked to the Site is entirely at your own risk. NEVER take any online advice over that of a qualified healthcare provider. Any information contained on AddictionSurvivors.org should only serve to inspire further investigation with credible, verifiable references sources such as your physician or therapist.
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Unread 01-16-2010, 12:54 PM   #9
CarlyO
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Dear Joshua's Mom.

I am so glad Magda shared her feedback, yes, keep a journal- great suggestion. Laws do vary by state and I heard from my social worker friends, that there is a push for more parent involvement in spite of any child support issues. While I understand the rationale behind these new programs and possibly changes in laws, I hope that they
( the courts ) will treat each case individually.
Be the advocate for yourself and your child, his well being is paramount.
I do hope for everyone's sake that your ex can get the help he needs, for long term recovery, but until he does, I am concerned just as you are of what this is doing to your son.
Hang in there, keep us posted and take care, Carly
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Important disclaimer: Any information in this post is not and does not constitute medical advice under any circumstances. Addiction Survivors, Inc. does not warranty or guarantee the accurateness, completeness, adequacy or currency of the information contained in or linked to the Site. Your use of information on the Site or materials linked to the Site is entirely at your own risk. NEVER take any online advice over that of a qualified healthcare provider. Any information contained on AddictionSurvivors.org should only serve to inspire further investigation with credible, verifiable references sources such as your physician or therapist.
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Unread 01-17-2010, 10:39 PM   #10
CASEY
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Hi Joshua's Mom,

Hi, Welcome to this site.
I agree with everyone about getting the Court's involved. Consult a Lawyer , their are usually Advocate's you can speak to for free. In it's own way is abuse.
You son does not derserve to get his hope's up, and then be let down over and over.
Believe me when I say " Children know more than you can ever imagine! "

It is also abuse for you, there is no reason this man has to make your life horrible.

Try and get it cleared up, for you and your son's sake!!

I wish you the Best of Luck - and please let us all know how you are doing!!

Casey
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