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Unread 09-28-2009, 12:45 PM   #1
R. Lee
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Default Unpleasant things still happen in soberity!

While I was posting to Saint last night about the term dry drunk. My sister called. She lives in PA I'm in MI.

Her son is getting married next month & was planning to take my 90 yrear old mother to the wedding. She asked if we wanted to come a couple days earlier to see her new house in Lancaster.

I have some serious issues with my sister with he being a lier & a phoney. She had pulled some stuff with me this last year after we had had a sit down & discussed our problems 2 years ago.

In my soberity I have learned that I no longer have to be stepped on. My answer to her was no we would not be coming earlier. She asked why & I told her that she was a phoney lier & I was done with her. She promply told me not to come to the wedding.

My response was my true feelings even though my voice was raised. & my language was not the best in expressing my resememts.

Do I need to make amends to her? I say no as to telling her my true feelings. Yes for my yelling & language & my resentments. I will write them down & then burn them as I don't think she would appreciate hearing from me.

I still need to grow but I'm improving.

Again I may have quit drinking but I have many more issues in life that I must address.

Any suggstions? R. Lee
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Unread 09-28-2009, 01:00 PM   #2
theswan
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Hi R.Lee

Well this is just a case of picking one's battles. You choose a bad time for this one. Why? OK besides the fact that her feelings are hurt you have also to consider the wishs of your mom who may have wanted to go. (of course I'm just guessing)

Maybe it would have been better to save the battle for another time. So yes an amends is the best course. Heck many of us are liers and phonies-just try and see the good in people. yeah just try and patch it up but you still do not have to go to her house. If she changes her mind about the wedding due to the amends then just go and bring joy to the event.

My two cents

Glen
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Unread 09-28-2009, 02:10 PM   #3
R. Lee
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Thank you Glen
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Unread 09-28-2009, 03:15 PM   #4
CarlyO
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Hi Rlee,

This is a tough one. First it sounds like you still have very strong emotions about your sister, maybe more than you realized until you spoke to her. In my most humble opinion, think about your nephew and your Mom, this will affect them. I would apologize to your sister because we know that is what we need to do for our own serenity, believe me I know it aint always easy , especially when there is that history you were alluding to. Hopefully you will be re- invited to the wedding.

This is a special day for your nephew and for your Mother and if you are in charge of getting your Mom there, can you come up with a compromise? Does your Mom want to see the new house ?

Rlee , you are right, our problems don't disappear when we put the alcohol down, I am sure something positive will come out of this, even if it is personal growth.
Good luck, I know you will do what is best for your recovery and growth ! Take care, Carly : )
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Unread 09-28-2009, 10:51 PM   #5
R. Lee
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I was wrong to hang on to this resentment for years. I will make my amends by writing them down & letting them go. I don't want to make things worse by contacting her personally. I was wrong the way I yelled & the language I used but I was truthful to her in what I said.

My mother has a sort of estranged relationship with my sister. Mom often say's "I lover her but I don't like her." My mother did not want to spend the extra time away to see my sister's house. As far as the wedding it is OK with my mother to miss it.

I don't want to hurt my nephew by not being there. I will try & contact him.

Thanks for you imput Carley
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Unread 09-29-2009, 06:05 AM   #6
Saint
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R. Lee,
It seems to me you were spoiling for a fight with your sister and she obliged. Your nephew and his fiancé just became casualties in the personal battle between you and your sister. From where I sit you and your sister both behaved poorly.

Your sister did contact you about visiting with her. Is there a chance she was trying to reach out to you?

And what of your nephew and his fiancé? Is there a chance you and your sister could agree to disagree? To set your differences aside for one day so as to enjoy your nephew’s wedding?

Make amends? Yes. Apologize for your colorful language and for raising your voice to her.

An old boss of mine gave me some sage advice:
“Treat others the way you would like to be treated”.

R. Lee I apologize for being blunt. IÂ’m not trying to be disrespectful if it comes across that way. I truly wish you, and your sister, the best as you work through this issue.

Regards
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Unread 09-29-2009, 10:52 AM   #7
R. Lee
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Thank you Saint. I don't want your response to be sugar coated. R. lee
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Unread 09-29-2009, 03:44 PM   #8
CarlyO
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Good advice Saint.
Families can surely bring out the best and worst in us at times.
Rlee, are you close with your nephew ? If it means a lot to him, then go, just for the ceremony and then leave.
I guess I thought your Mom would want to attend.
If the relationship with your sister cannot be salvaged, then talk to your sponsor. The important thing is to not get all twisted up inside over this.
Can you contact her at some point and tell her you are sorry, that you do not see eye to eye, and let's just leave it at that... (For example. )

Saint did bring up a very valid point, she reached out to you.
Maybe she had an agenda? is that what you were thinking ? - it sounds like you do not have a good history with her and that happens with families.
I know you will do what is right.
Good luck, take care, carly : )
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Important disclaimer: Any information in this post is not and does not constitute medical advice under any circumstances. Addiction Survivors, Inc. does not warranty or guarantee the accurateness, completeness, adequacy or currency of the information contained in or linked to the Site. Your use of information on the Site or materials linked to the Site is entirely at your own risk. NEVER take any online advice over that of a qualified healthcare provider. Any information contained on AddictionSurvivors.org should only serve to inspire further investigation with credible, verifiable references sources such as your physician or therapist.
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Unread 09-29-2009, 09:38 PM   #9
R. Lee
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No Carly I'm not close to him. I have shared this with my sponser & at several meeting including the jail meeting tonight. Thanks for caring. R. Lee
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Unread 10-01-2009, 08:39 AM   #10
Magda
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R.Lee-
Siblings can be triggers for us in our recovery.I have 3 older brothers, the oldest has a PhD in chemistry, has always had money, and looked down on me most of our life. Last year his wife left him and took their five children moving over 800 miles away.Then he lost his job and has been out of work for months, house is foreclosing,totally broke.It has happened before and he did not recover from the last job loss when this one occurred.Well now he has been reaching out to me.He says what has happened to him over the past few years has humbled him and he understands how hard life was for me as a single mom, etc. I am sympathetic to his situation, I forgot to mention he had a suicide attempt a couple years ago too.
There is a part of me that wants to tell him to deal with his mess because he caused it, and there is a part of me that wants to help however I can.This is what I have realized:
1. The part of me that wants to blow him off is the resentful old me that holds on to past hurt and refuses to believe that people grow and change through experience.
2. The part of me that wants to help is the old part of me that wants to rescue others when I am in no condition to do so.
Most would think that helping would be the new me, but that is very much my co dependency kicking in.I decided to do this:
Be there for my brother from a distance.He has yet to take responsibility for the financial mistakes he has made that got him into this mess, and I am not in a position to help him.I can offer emotional support, no more-no less.

The whole point of my post is to show you how easily we are triggered to fall back into old thinking patterns when presented with a situation involving our immediate family.We do not have to forget that some people are still sick and not having boundaries will be our demise.I feel your honesty was warranted, but honing the way you presented your feelings would be helpful, I relate to your approach, but feel it may have been counterproductive to your recovery. Deep inside I think you already knew that though.
Kudos for discussing it with your sponsor and at meetings.The best way to deal with your feelings is to share them with people who relate to them best!
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Important disclaimer: Any information in this post is not and does not constitute medical advice under any circumstances. Addiction Survivors, Inc. does not warranty or guarantee the accurateness, completeness, adequacy or currency of the information contained in or linked to the Site. Your use of information on the Site or materials linked to the Site is entirely at your own risk. NEVER take any online advice over that of a qualified healthcare provider. Any information contained on AddictionSurvivors.org should only serve to inspire further investigation with credible, verifiable references sources such as your physician or therapist.
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Unread 10-01-2009, 12:00 PM   #11
R. Lee
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Magda, Thank you for your suggestions. I through this out as an axample of me acting the part of a dry drunk with some time in soberity. We can recover. We are never cured. R. Lee
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