Addiction Survivors

Notices

Reply
Unread 12-27-2009, 01:33 AM   #51
Magda
Moderator
 
Magda's Avatar
 
Posts: 417
Default

Fielder-
Sometimes it is allot easier to let ourselves become consumed in other activities than to confront the obvious, and it stops us from banging our heads against the wall. We may want it to fix itself, but unfortunately this disease only spreads with time. You can try all you like, but the alcoholism is not a separate entity- it lives and breathes inside your husband, it is as much a part of him as his voice, his personality- it dictates who he is or will become. I sympathize deeply with what you wish for, but I just do not want to see you hurt needlessly down the road. Please give this part of your husband the attention it needs, whether by getting your own counseling or peer support.Whatever it takes, just don't wish it away.
I will keep you and your children in my thoughts during this holiday season.Happy Holidays!
__________________
Important disclaimer: Any information in this post is not and does not constitute medical advice under any circumstances. Addiction Survivors, Inc. does not warranty or guarantee the accurateness, completeness, adequacy or currency of the information contained in or linked to the Site. Your use of information on the Site or materials linked to the Site is entirely at your own risk. NEVER take any online advice over that of a qualified healthcare provider. Any information contained on AddictionSurvivors.org should only serve to inspire further investigation with credible, verifiable references sources such as your physician or therapist.
Magda is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 01-07-2010, 09:28 AM   #52
SLynn
Moderator
 
SLynn's Avatar
 
Posts: 866
Default

Hi Fiedler

Just wanted to say hello and hope you had peace through the holidays.

SLynn
__________________
Important disclaimer: Any information in this post is not and does not constitute medical advice under any circumstances. Addiction Survivors, Inc. does not warranty or guarantee the accurateness, completeness, adequacy or currency of the information contained in or linked to the Site. Your use of information on the Site or materials linked to the Site is entirely at your own risk. NEVER take any online advice over that of a qualified healthcare provider. Any information contained on AddictionSurvivors.org should only serve to inspire further investigation with credible, verifiable references sources such as your physician or therapist.
SLynn is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 01-08-2010, 01:17 PM   #53
Fiedler
Senior Member
 
Posts: 183
Default

SLynn-

My Christmas was so busy. My husband drank as usual, but so did I(meaning two drinks compared to his several per day). My father was put in the hospital for his heart two days ago, so I am focused on that right now. Last night I went to visit him and left the kids with my husband. I don't know why I never learn. I wasn't gone that long and got home at about 7:40 p.m. and the kids were still up, not in their pajamas and hadn't had their snacks. Instead, my husband was letting them play Wii and lost track of time. I mention this since it is a school night and he tells me to relax. Once he starts talking I know that he had been drinking. It just makes me want to slap him! I can't trust him at all to do what a father is supposed to do. It's like nothing else is important. Which is typical, I know. I thinks it's time to take action, yet I feel I am the one that is all talk and NO ACTION. I just don't know what my options are. I just can't stand being with him anymore. The boys are still small enough where they can't tell when he's been drinking, but my daughter knows. I got to thinking this morning that if things continue this way, that the kids are only going to remember their father as a blubbering drunk idiot. That is so sad!!! I don't know which is better - living with a drunk Dad or living with NO dad.

Fiedler
Fiedler is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 01-08-2010, 03:41 PM   #54
SLynn
Moderator
 
SLynn's Avatar
 
Posts: 866
Default

Fiedler

Sorry to hear things are the same. You'll know what to do when it's time.

If you think about it, having a drunk father at home is like having no father at all. I'm sure he has his moments, but I would guess that you have a one parent household when it comes down to it.....yes??

I lived in a home full of alcohol, tension and fighting. I was quite relieved when much of that stopped. I think I was about 9 years old when they finally split and it was several years in the making. Food for thought.

I wish the New Year was a new leaf for him...but maybe it will be for you.

SLynn
__________________
Important disclaimer: Any information in this post is not and does not constitute medical advice under any circumstances. Addiction Survivors, Inc. does not warranty or guarantee the accurateness, completeness, adequacy or currency of the information contained in or linked to the Site. Your use of information on the Site or materials linked to the Site is entirely at your own risk. NEVER take any online advice over that of a qualified healthcare provider. Any information contained on AddictionSurvivors.org should only serve to inspire further investigation with credible, verifiable references sources such as your physician or therapist.
SLynn is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 01-08-2010, 09:42 PM   #55
CASEY
Senior Member
 
Posts: 378
Default

Fielder,

I agree with SLynn,

This may be your year to decide what to do! Know someone is alway's here for you.
The Holiday's are a " VERY STRESSFUL" time of the year.

I have Family member's that is has taken me awhile to learn to stay away from them because they are way " TOO TOXIC FOR ME"!

I don't have alcohol abuse for myself, I have a few loved one's walking a very fine
line. I had trauma from childhood and with the help of my Therapist , I am learning to
keep Toxic People away from me.

I realize if I am not Healthy, than I am doing a HUGE Disservice to myself. And I have to take care of me first before I can take care of anyone else! It is time for
me to be selfish for me. I am a Cancer Survivor, and proud to be one.

But sometime's you have to be selfish to survive!

And please know, Children know more than you think!!

I wish you the best in the year 2010!!
Casey
CASEY is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 01-11-2010, 10:12 AM   #56
Fiedler
Senior Member
 
Posts: 183
Default

Thank you Casey and SLynn-

I know you are both 100% right. I did a lot of crying and thinking this weekend and I do know that I am at the pinnacle of this situation. The question is - which way am I going to go? As you said SLynn- it is like I am the only parent in the house. Friday I suggested to go do something with the family - go out to eat and then mini-golfing at the mall. He was noticeably reluctant - saying that he has to work in the morning. So my plans were nixed. The double standard is this-- the following night was Wii bowling night. I didn't go to make him mad, but also b/c I needed to get some things done that I wasn't able to do last week. He took our daughter instead, came home drunk, VERY late and had to work the next day. By the way, he overslept b/c he was drunk and ended up late to work. So what does that tell you? To me, it means that the family doesn't mean shit to him and that if something doesn't involve drinking, then he doesn't want to do it. I have had it. I told him last night we needed to talk, so we'll see if he is sober enough this week to have that talk I need to have. If anyone has some suggestions as to calm, assertive things I can say, I would appreciate it. Thanks to all of you here that post and give advice.

Fiedler
Fiedler is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 01-22-2010, 01:18 PM   #57
Fiedler
Senior Member
 
Posts: 183
Default Update

I finally got the courage to tell my husband this morning that I will no longer be participating in the Wii Saturdays. I told him that I not only did not enjoy it, but that it was the drinking involved that I didn't like. I told him everyone, including him uses it as an opportunity to drink to excess. He then told me he wouldn't drink. I said he would be miserable to be with if he didn't drink(which is true). When he isn't drinking he is a completely different person. I asked him if he noticed that all of the activities he participates in involve the same people who all have drinking problems. They drink and drink and drink. He didn't answer me. He didn't say anything after that. He wasn't mad either, but offered no feedback whatsoever. I felt a huge relief after I finally told him though. I don't know what everyone else is going to think. They are going to wonder why I am not going. I wonder what he will tell them the truth as to why I'm not going anymore. Thought I'd post an update and I will let you all know what happens.

Fiedler
Fiedler is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 01-22-2010, 02:52 PM   #58
CarlyO
Moderator
 
CarlyO's Avatar
 
Posts: 2,566
Default

Dear Fielder,

Congrats on staying true to yourself ! It sounds like you handled it well. While I know it must have been awkward, why put yourself through that misery every weekend ? I think maybe your husb lack of response is telling, what rational argument could he propose? Is out of excuses?

The people in the group may or may not have not have alcohol issues, and yes, some may wonder where you are - but if alcohol is their thing, they will get over it quickly or perhaps some may pause and consider their own drinking habits. One thing I have learned is that you never know, especially with couples, what really goes on behind closed doors.

I respect that there are people who can have a few drinks, some fun I am reminded how it can turn ugly when alcohol is in the mix... I witnessed an embarrassing brawl at our new Bowling alley recently- the group were obviously drinking way too much, and it ended with the police being called out to break it up- the women and men were all fighting. It turned into a nightmare.

The fact that he got so impaired while your daughter was around, means to me, that he is not thinking how this is affecting her, the family. As was said by Slynn, you are the only responsible parent, which I am sure can be burdensome at times, wouldn't you like to be able to depend on him, not have to worry about what he may do ? He has had plenty of free passes during this past year , but what will take for him to truly realize he is jeopardizing everything ?
You got through the holidays it sounds like by detaching from his drinking, but can you go on like that indefinitely ?
Are you ready to present an ultimatum ? As its been said, they may not work unless you are willing to back it up and it is suggested to have support
( counseling or Al Anon , friends) so that you have someone to lean on.

Either way, If he becomes irate or tries to goad you, try to stay calm and stand by your
decision. He may not be thinking rationally, simply unable to at this point, keep that in mind when dealing with him. Always have a back up plan, stay safe ( mentally and physically ).

Thanks for posting an update, take care, Carly
__________________
Important disclaimer: Any information in this post is not and does not constitute medical advice under any circumstances. Addiction Survivors, Inc. does not warranty or guarantee the accurateness, completeness, adequacy or currency of the information contained in or linked to the Site. Your use of information on the Site or materials linked to the Site is entirely at your own risk. NEVER take any online advice over that of a qualified healthcare provider. Any information contained on AddictionSurvivors.org should only serve to inspire further investigation with credible, verifiable references sources such as your physician or therapist.
CarlyO is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 01-23-2010, 12:16 AM   #59
Saint
Senior Member
 
Saint's Avatar
 
Posts: 2,364
Default

Fiedler,

Good for you making the decision not to attend the Wii games. As far as the drinking you know what they say, birds of a feather flock together. It's a lot easier to do some heavy drinking when there are no potential roadblocks in your way.

You made the right decision..... because it was the right decision for you.

Stay Strong. I wish you the best.
Saint is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 01-23-2010, 04:31 PM   #60
SLynn
Moderator
 
SLynn's Avatar
 
Posts: 866
Default

Hi Fiedler

Thanks for the update. I think it's a good choice to stop the Wii nights. When you participate, it gives the impression that you advocate what goes on and if it's not..then you need to make a stand for yourself and your beliefs.

I get the impression that both you and your husband are just going through the motions. That you don't even have the fight left in you to address the situations. He didn't bother to react to you and the Wii nights and you also avoid the confrontations, it seems. Correct me if I'm wrong??

Either way, it's an empty way to live. I put myself in your living room when you tell us what goes on and I imagine it cold and lonely. I hate that for you.

As far as the what everyone else thinks??...who cares. At the end of the day, it's all about you and the kids.

SLynn
__________________
Important disclaimer: Any information in this post is not and does not constitute medical advice under any circumstances. Addiction Survivors, Inc. does not warranty or guarantee the accurateness, completeness, adequacy or currency of the information contained in or linked to the Site. Your use of information on the Site or materials linked to the Site is entirely at your own risk. NEVER take any online advice over that of a qualified healthcare provider. Any information contained on AddictionSurvivors.org should only serve to inspire further investigation with credible, verifiable references sources such as your physician or therapist.
SLynn is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 01-23-2010, 08:19 PM   #61
Fiedler
Senior Member
 
Posts: 183
Cool

SLynn-

Wow! Talk about hitting the nail on the head. You are right that I have no more fight left in me. Things are not going to change unless I make them change. And as you said, things are cold in our living room. And elsewhere. Last weekend was his company Christmas party (they always have it in January). It was at the local casino and several of us booked a room over night. At the party, he was distant and didn't acknowledge me most of the night. He got completely drunk, passed out in our room and ended up throwing up all over the place. To make matters worse, he didn't even remember what happened - didn't know he vomited - which happened while I was out with a friend in the casino. He could have died. by the time I got back to the room, it smelled so bad, I knew what had happened. Luckily there was an extra blanket and pillow so I could sleep on the couch in the hotel room. Tonight he is drunk too and it makes me so mad that he tries so hard to pretend he's not. As if I don't know him. He totally disgusts me and I am so sick of this crap. I want to leave him, but I am so sorry for our kids. I'm hoping someone here can help me know who to contact for temporary housing. There must be something out there for people like me. I just don't know what. Thanks for the frank analysis - it might just be the kick in the butt I need.

Fiedler http://www.addictionsurvivors.org/vb...cons/icon6.gif
Fiedler is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 01-25-2010, 01:10 AM   #62
R. Lee
Senior Member
 
Posts: 4,984
Default

Fiedler, Good for you. Stay strong!
R. Lee is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 01-25-2010, 06:47 PM   #63
SLynn
Moderator
 
SLynn's Avatar
 
Posts: 866
Default

Fiedler

Your profile says you live in NY...can you elaborate on the city?? That would help in looking for resources.

The casino night sounds like a disaster....uggggh! I'm so sorry that he can't get it together for just one night. It's a nasty disease that's so accepted in society. Isn't he at all embarrassed that he behaved that way in front of his coworkers?

SLynn
__________________
Important disclaimer: Any information in this post is not and does not constitute medical advice under any circumstances. Addiction Survivors, Inc. does not warranty or guarantee the accurateness, completeness, adequacy or currency of the information contained in or linked to the Site. Your use of information on the Site or materials linked to the Site is entirely at your own risk. NEVER take any online advice over that of a qualified healthcare provider. Any information contained on AddictionSurvivors.org should only serve to inspire further investigation with credible, verifiable references sources such as your physician or therapist.
SLynn is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 01-26-2010, 01:02 PM   #64
Fiedler
Senior Member
 
Posts: 183
Default

SLynn-

If I end up leaving, which very well looks like will happen - I am financially capable of renting my own apartment, if necessary. I don't want to go through the County for services, b/c I know other people who have left abusive relationships and have ended up in housing in the worst neighborhoods of my town. My plan is to leave in the summer if my husband doesn't turn things around. I am waiting until then to not only give him some time, but to wait until I am done teaching for the year. I had a talk with him on Sunday night. I didn't mention leaving him yet, but I did tell him his drinking is worse than usual, that his behavior with our daughter was inexcusable. He actually told me he wasn't drunk that night. Do alcoholics lose the ability to know when they are drunk? Maybe he truly believes he wasn't - but I consider slurred speech and staggering as signs of an intoxicated person. Whenever I bring up his drinking, he recoils. Then ends up blaming me. So I asked him if he cared about himself at all, b/c he's killing himself. He did say he thinks about the negative affects sometimes. But then he refuses to get help. I told him when he decides to take that step to help himself, then I will support him, but I can't do it for him. He just snickered and rolled his eyes at me. It doesn't look good does it?

Fiedler
Fiedler is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 01-26-2010, 11:41 PM   #65
jerryg
Moderator
 
Posts: 525
Default

Fiedler,

About the drinker seemingly unaware of his drinking behavior. Alcohol addiction is volatile and unpredictable on many levels. Tolerance can change radically, meaning that he may binge for a period and be standing rock solid, by appearance, and then another time have a single beer and appear to be s*#% faced sloppy drunk.

I have had clients report that at the height of their drinking their tolerance fluctuated wildly. And in some cases served as a real wake up call. Because the clients often said it was a scary thing. When you really think about it, how can you take a thing already out of control and make it worse? Well, a total lack of predictability around consumption! That's how.
And yes it is a problem with his memory as well. No doubt.
Over all if he continues to drink he becomes more and more an unreliable source of information in every realm. Other than chaos, you can expect that.
It is a very sad state.
Sorry to hear it has reached a point where leaving may be your only option.

All the best
Jerry
__________________
Important disclaimer: Any information in this post is not and does not constitute medical advice under any circumstances. Addiction Survivors, Inc. does not warranty or guarantee the accurateness, completeness, adequacy or currency of the information contained in or linked to the Site. Your use of information on the Site or materials linked to the Site is entirely at your own risk. NEVER take any online advice over that of a qualified healthcare provider. Any information contained on AddictionSurvivors.org should only serve to inspire further investigation with credible, verifiable references sources such as your physician or therapist.
jerryg is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 01-29-2010, 08:42 PM   #66
chai
Junior Member
 
Posts: 29
Default Hang in There

Hi Fiedler:

I wish I could give you some answers but I don't have any. But you are certainly getting some great advice here.

I guess I would suggest that you continue to communicate with your husband. Though it might not do any good, at least it will give you piece of mind if and when you do leave - you'll know that you tried to save the marriage.

Your children are lucky to have you as their mother. And your husband is lucky to have you too. Hopefully he will realize that sooner rather than later.

Good luck with everything and hang in there.
chai is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 01-29-2010, 09:06 PM   #67
CarlyO
Moderator
 
CarlyO's Avatar
 
Posts: 2,566
Default

Hi Fielder, as far as housing - I think ,most fall into 2 categories, some form of county assistance or shelter type housing, though you say that you are capable financially so unless it were it were a domestic violence situation, you may not qualify.

One housing option is an extended stay hotel/apt. most are reasonably priced, come with a kitchenette, so you could save $$ on food, some even have housekeeping services.
Apartments usually want a 6 month lease, you could start doing research now to negotiate the best price.
Would he consider leaving ? Just thinking it may be easier on the kids if they could remain in the home.
To answer the question can people NOT realize how impaired they are - YES. When confronted, The usual responses are = Deny, Minimize, Rationalize and Blame.
I do hope he chooses to get help, regardless, I think you have done and tried everything under the sun.

It's the weekend and Superbowl Sunday, I am afraid what that means to him. I hope you can have some semblance of peace this weekend.
Hang in there and take care, Carly
__________________
Important disclaimer: Any information in this post is not and does not constitute medical advice under any circumstances. Addiction Survivors, Inc. does not warranty or guarantee the accurateness, completeness, adequacy or currency of the information contained in or linked to the Site. Your use of information on the Site or materials linked to the Site is entirely at your own risk. NEVER take any online advice over that of a qualified healthcare provider. Any information contained on AddictionSurvivors.org should only serve to inspire further investigation with credible, verifiable references sources such as your physician or therapist.
CarlyO is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 01-30-2010, 01:33 PM   #68
SLynn
Moderator
 
SLynn's Avatar
 
Posts: 866
Default

HI Fiedler

While I'm not happy to hear things continue to spiral, I am happy that you are in a position to take care of yourself. SO MANY don't have that option and it's a huge thing that you can.

So you're going to wait til summer to see if he improves?? Does he know he's on a time line? Do you think you should tell him?? I'm kinda thinking you should.... What's holding you back from that statement to him? Just wondering...

Now, if you tell him, there's always the chance that he'll make a futile attempt to get through the summer but you just never know.

As a total outsider, I see you needing to make a life with your children that doesn't involve alcohol and misery. IF he finds a way to join you in that life, WONDERFUL. If he doesn't, than you've tried. YOU deserve to have a happy home and some peace. What that will be, I don't know but it's not what you have now.

Again, just an outsiders opinion. I feel like you're dead inside and that's no way to live.

SLynn
__________________
Important disclaimer: Any information in this post is not and does not constitute medical advice under any circumstances. Addiction Survivors, Inc. does not warranty or guarantee the accurateness, completeness, adequacy or currency of the information contained in or linked to the Site. Your use of information on the Site or materials linked to the Site is entirely at your own risk. NEVER take any online advice over that of a qualified healthcare provider. Any information contained on AddictionSurvivors.org should only serve to inspire further investigation with credible, verifiable references sources such as your physician or therapist.
SLynn is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 02-05-2010, 10:19 PM   #69
Fiedler
Senior Member
 
Posts: 183
Default Al anon

Hi all-

I somehow lost my post so I will try this again. Tonight I went to my first Al anon meeting. I have been putting it off for so long and finally had the opportunity. I have been keeping a log for two weeks now to help me let my feelings out and to keep a log of my husbands alcohol intake. I decided to do this in the event I decide to leave. But after tonight's meeting, I realized that the log is actually making me focus on his disease, not making me focus on how I need to change.

When it was my turn to talk, I didn't unleash or divulge everything. I guess I could/should have, but there was a woman in there that my husband works with. I know her well. I felt unsure of how much to say. Maybe I shouldn't let it bother me, but if I end up doing this every week, should I find another site?? Or should I just keep going and get over it?
Aside from that, I feel as if a weight is off my chest. For once I have a silent hope that I didn't have before. But at the same time, it makes this whole situation so much more real. There is no turning back now. My husband thinks I went to see my family. I only old my daughter where I was going and I told her if she wants to come with me next time she can. But I think I might want to go without her for a while. What do you guys think? I want to thank you all - especially those of you who have been trying to get me to go to a meeting for so long now. Take care and God bless you.

Fiedler
Fiedler is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 02-06-2010, 12:28 AM   #70
okie
Senior Member
 
okie's Avatar
 
Posts: 1,898
Default

Hi,

I have been reading your story for ages...my ex fiancee is an alcoholic..I would just say for sure if you are at all uncomfortable at one meeting to go to another. I am not sure how old your dauughter is but they do have ala teen meetings too..I went yrs ago with my best friend..
okie is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 02-06-2010, 04:19 PM   #71
CarlyO
Moderator
 
CarlyO's Avatar
 
Posts: 2,566
Default

Hi Fielder,

I know it took a lot of courage for you to take that step and it must have been a leetle uncomfortable to see someone you know, but SHE could have been feeling the same way. Most groups strongly Encourage Anonymity, as it crucial for members to feel safe and free to share, I hope that is the case for your group.

And yes, a group dynamic can be very powerful and I can see why it makes it feel REAL- you can move at your own pace with the details and you can always find someone in the group with whom you feel comfortable sharing with over a cup of coffee or phone. Ultimately I am so glad that you felt some relief and that you are not alone. And I agree with Okie, not sure how old your daughter is but if she is a teen maybe alateen will be a better fit?

Hang in there Fielder,
Carly
__________________
Important disclaimer: Any information in this post is not and does not constitute medical advice under any circumstances. Addiction Survivors, Inc. does not warranty or guarantee the accurateness, completeness, adequacy or currency of the information contained in or linked to the Site. Your use of information on the Site or materials linked to the Site is entirely at your own risk. NEVER take any online advice over that of a qualified healthcare provider. Any information contained on AddictionSurvivors.org should only serve to inspire further investigation with credible, verifiable references sources such as your physician or therapist.
CarlyO is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 02-07-2010, 10:41 AM   #72
SLynn
Moderator
 
SLynn's Avatar
 
Posts: 866
Default

Hi Fiedler

So glad you got to a meeting!! Yay! That's a really big step.

I think the woman that you know in the meeting is probably just as surprised to see you there. I think I would talk to her at the next meeting and express your awkwardness and let her know that it's ok to be there together?? And not let it hinder your participation? I'm sure she has lots of the same fears? She may become one of your best sounding boards.... Just a thought!

Keep the meetings for yourself for a while. You'll know when it's time to integrate your daughter if that's something she wants. If not, the teen meeting may be an option, as others have mentioned.

Fiedler, it makes me happy that your doing something for yourself...to help yourself.

SLynn
__________________
Important disclaimer: Any information in this post is not and does not constitute medical advice under any circumstances. Addiction Survivors, Inc. does not warranty or guarantee the accurateness, completeness, adequacy or currency of the information contained in or linked to the Site. Your use of information on the Site or materials linked to the Site is entirely at your own risk. NEVER take any online advice over that of a qualified healthcare provider. Any information contained on AddictionSurvivors.org should only serve to inspire further investigation with credible, verifiable references sources such as your physician or therapist.
SLynn is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 02-07-2010, 07:11 PM   #73
R. Lee
Senior Member
 
Posts: 4,984
Default

Thanks you for having the courage to go to a meeting. Yes anonymity is very important for everyones protection. Did she share openly? Do you feel you can trust her? Talking to her outside the meeting might help. As for your daughter it depends on her age & willingness to go to a meeting. Again best of luck.
R. Lee is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 02-15-2010, 09:10 PM   #74
Fiedler
Senior Member
 
Posts: 183
Default

Hi all-

Well, I went to my 2nd Al anon meeting. We discussed the 2nd step and our alcoholic loved ones. I also purchased a book about co-dependency and can't believe how much of me is in that book. I am learning more and more about myself and how I am dealing with this disease of alcoholism. I am what you call a rescuer. I have wanted to rescue my husband since the day I found out he had a troubled childhood. Now I have no idea who I am and don't now what "normal" is. So I am trying to learn to detach from the problem he has. Someday I may detach from him too, but now I am trying to concentrate on one thing at a time. I had a chance today to detach actually. It started yesterday when our dog bit the neighbor. This is the second time that this has happened. Both times, however it happened when the kids were outside, and my husband was supposed to be watching them. Anyway, this time the child required seven stitches and the neighbors had to report it, which I expected. So now we are waiting to see what may happen. Litigation or something. So this afternoon, my husband went over and apologized and offered any help that we could give. He came in and told me what they discussed then went back outside. When he came back in, he was visibly drunk. He apologized twice for drinking stating that he drank because of having to go over and talk to the neighbors and it being so stressful. So I told him that I didn't want to discuss it since he had been drinking. So he got nasty and told me "thanks for your help." So I repeated what I said before and he said "everything is about you isn't it?" I didnt' allow it to bait me, so I went upstairs. I have a feeling he isn't going to discuss it tomorrow because he won't remember it. Saturday was wii bowling night again and no I'm still not going. But he hasn't drank anything for the past two times and I am beginning to wonder if I am the reason he drinks!! My sister told me he isn't drinking because he knows I am not driving, but when we went together we would catch a cab. Why isn't he catching a cab so he can drink? I just don't get it. Any thoughts??

Fiedler
Fiedler is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 02-16-2010, 12:11 AM   #75
R. Lee
Senior Member
 
Posts: 4,984
Default

Fiedler. I,m so glad that you got some insight & comfort from the al anon meeting.
R. Lee is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 02-17-2010, 08:56 AM   #76
SLynn
Moderator
 
SLynn's Avatar
 
Posts: 866
Default

Fiedler

I'm SO PLEASED to see the direction you're going in. You can't fix him...you can only fix yourself. This doesn't have as much meaning until you see that your 'self' needs fixing! Huge steps you're taking and they will pay off one way or the other. I'm the same way--I have to fix, fix and fix some more and it's out of my control. THAT was the hardest thing to do...to let go.

Recently I told you that you seem dead inside but I have to say....I'm seeing life!!

So sorry to hear your dog bit someone. What kind of dog do you have? Was he protecting the kids??

SLynn
__________________
Important disclaimer: Any information in this post is not and does not constitute medical advice under any circumstances. Addiction Survivors, Inc. does not warranty or guarantee the accurateness, completeness, adequacy or currency of the information contained in or linked to the Site. Your use of information on the Site or materials linked to the Site is entirely at your own risk. NEVER take any online advice over that of a qualified healthcare provider. Any information contained on AddictionSurvivors.org should only serve to inspire further investigation with credible, verifiable references sources such as your physician or therapist.
SLynn is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 02-17-2010, 09:32 AM   #77
Fiedler
Senior Member
 
Posts: 183
Default

SLynn-

Thanks for your words of encouragement. Now that I am learning about myself, things seem to be moving fast. But I am sad because I feel like I've wasted so many years of my life. I'm also sad because I don't think I ever really loved my husband. I wanted to fix him. So now I am at a crossroads to decide what I need to do next. I feel like we are worlds apart and have nothing in common. The things he enjoys hedoes with his set of friends. But doesn't try to do the things that I enjoy.

As far as the dog---- the kids were pretending to be cougars and growling at him, so he bit one of them. He is a boxer/pitbull mix. He doesn't like this one little boy next door. We can't figure out why he has bitten him twice. Hopefully, we won't have to give him away. Our kids would be devastated.

I will post again later in the week after I go to another meeting.

Fiedler
Fiedler is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 02-27-2010, 02:38 PM   #78
CarlyO
Moderator
 
CarlyO's Avatar
 
Posts: 2,566
Default

Dear Fielder,
Good luck with your neighbors and the dog situation, I hope they will be understanding.

As far as your husb, blaming you or the situation for his decision to drink is blaming, denial, many of the coping mechanisms to put it off on someone or something else. I know you know this but I am sure it is getting old and frustrating.

It sounds like you are gaining lots of insight about yourself, many people fall under the category of rescuers/saviors and there are plenty of us who at one time needed rescuing. Imo the more self aware you are, the stronger you will be, so when it is time to make tough decisions you will know what you want and how to go about getting it.

Feelings of sadness and confusion are part of the process, imo, it seems normal, try not to get mired down in regret. In the end we did the best we could considering the circumstances.
You have embarked on journey that will hopefully lead you to peace and happiness. Kudos to you for being open minded, educating yourself and attending the meetings. I hope that very soon that sadness will give way to strength and wisdom.
Sending good thoughts and prayers your way, take care, Carly
__________________
Important disclaimer: Any information in this post is not and does not constitute medical advice under any circumstances. Addiction Survivors, Inc. does not warranty or guarantee the accurateness, completeness, adequacy or currency of the information contained in or linked to the Site. Your use of information on the Site or materials linked to the Site is entirely at your own risk. NEVER take any online advice over that of a qualified healthcare provider. Any information contained on AddictionSurvivors.org should only serve to inspire further investigation with credible, verifiable references sources such as your physician or therapist.
CarlyO is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 03-03-2010, 07:39 PM   #79
SLynn
Moderator
 
SLynn's Avatar
 
Posts: 866
Default

Hi Fiedler

I've been looking for an update all week and nothing so far. I know it isn't always easy or interesting to post so I hope you're ok. I see in another post you feel like you're reverting back to some of your feelings and behaviors....this is not uncommon. I know that deep down you want this to work.

Hopefully you've made it to another meeting and are feeling better in yourself.

How are things with the dog situation?

SLynn
__________________
Important disclaimer: Any information in this post is not and does not constitute medical advice under any circumstances. Addiction Survivors, Inc. does not warranty or guarantee the accurateness, completeness, adequacy or currency of the information contained in or linked to the Site. Your use of information on the Site or materials linked to the Site is entirely at your own risk. NEVER take any online advice over that of a qualified healthcare provider. Any information contained on AddictionSurvivors.org should only serve to inspire further investigation with credible, verifiable references sources such as your physician or therapist.
SLynn is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 03-28-2010, 12:41 AM   #80
nove23
Senior Member
 
Posts: 239
Default

Fiedler, Hi long time !!! Girl I was reading back on some of your post. I know how you feel. I wonder why that my husband and I ever got married. We have nothing in common either. And yes I wanted to play mother and fix him, It did not work than and is not going to work in the future. He is what he is. And mine found some one just like him so it makes it easy. I just have to keep reminding myself one day at a time. We did not get this way over night and we won't find ourselves that way either. I won't tell you it does not hurt because you know it does, with me it's my pride. I am so afraid that people hate me because I kicked him out. I worrie everyday what some one says about me and him. Again I am letting him have that control. Keep reading and making meeting it works if you work it.My problem is telling my head you did all you could do and there is nothing else ... walking away really hurts.... Keep your chin up and we will make it no matter what. God had this plan for me and you that we would not be hurt any more. The ball is in are court lets work on something NEW... Tina
nove23 is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 03-28-2010, 10:38 AM   #81
Fiedler
Senior Member
 
Posts: 183
Default

Thanks Tina!

You are strong for doing what you did! Don't let anybody make you question yourself. Right now for me, things are in limbo again. My husband is trying so hard to curb his drinking. We are doing things as a family a lot more too. I don't know if it will last and I do have a plan should it be necessary to leave. I haven't made a meeting in a couple of weeks, though. They definitely do help and I get some great support and advice from the others there. I still have to keep reminding myself to stop trying to fix my husband and stop focusing on him. That is giving me some peace of mind. I don't know what the future will bring and I hope he is realizing what he has with me and the kids. I pray our family stays together and he continues to control his drinking. No, he hasn't gone to AA and I don't think he ever will, but he is trying and that is a start. Thanks for writing Tina.

Fiedler
Fiedler is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 03-28-2010, 02:17 PM   #82
nove23
Senior Member
 
Posts: 239
Default

Girl Iam glad you have a plan if it does not work. You know with out help he will never stop drinking. Not to say he could'nt. It is so hard to stop trying to fix them or even not to focusing on them. People that have never been in are shoes have no idear the hurt. As for Al-anon it will help you so much to remember you need a life to even with out them. I will never say I eon't love him , I just love him in another way. That propbaly sounds nuts. But I really believe mine has not hit rock bottom yet. All I can do is pray for him and I both. It's time for you and the kids. Don't give up hope just be kind to yourself. That's something I could not do. Tina
nove23 is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 08-07-2010, 09:54 AM   #83
SLynn
Moderator
 
SLynn's Avatar
 
Posts: 866
Default

Fiedler

Just wanted to say hello and hope things are going well for you. If you get a chance, I'd like to hear how things are going for you and your husband. How has your summer been?

Be well

SLynn
__________________
Important disclaimer: Any information in this post is not and does not constitute medical advice under any circumstances. Addiction Survivors, Inc. does not warranty or guarantee the accurateness, completeness, adequacy or currency of the information contained in or linked to the Site. Your use of information on the Site or materials linked to the Site is entirely at your own risk. NEVER take any online advice over that of a qualified healthcare provider. Any information contained on AddictionSurvivors.org should only serve to inspire further investigation with credible, verifiable references sources such as your physician or therapist.
SLynn is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 08-11-2010, 01:30 PM   #84
Fiedler
Senior Member
 
Posts: 183
Default

Hi all -

Thank you SLynn for checking in and congratulations on the new baby. Sleeping much?? I remember those days so well. My summer has been very busy and stressful. Things are the same with my husband. He is trying to drink less and since he is working sooo much this summer, he doesn't have much time to drink. We took a vacation two weeks ago and I didn't enjoy being with him, because his bowling trip (the one from his Wii bowling nights) was the same week, so basically, he was with his friends more than he was with his family. I know for a fact he booked his week off to work around his trip with his friends. I don't know if I will ever get over that. He is so clueless to everything and I've realized that we don't do ANYTHING together as a couple anymore. It's not even his drinking that bothers me now, it's the loss of my feelings for him. Oddly enough, our 15th wedding anniversary is tomorrow. I will post then to let you know how it goes.

Fiedler
Fiedler is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 08-12-2010, 02:51 PM   #85
Magda
Moderator
 
Magda's Avatar
 
Posts: 417
Default

Awww- I hope things go well for your anniversary. It sounds like you are really frustrated and I appreciate that. You are losing your feelings for him as a result of his drinking behavior and rightfully so. Fifteen years is a long time to invest in someone and I can't imagine how you are feeling- I have only been married 2 years and I wonder about us making it all the time. No, my husband is not an alcoholic or addict but just the normal everyday life stuff can put stress and pressure on a marriage. It really stinks when your partner does not realize that life is hard enough- then he/she makes it harder. The one we should have on our side always becomes our enemy, leaving you with a head full of uncertainty.
I hope you have a good day no matter what! If anything else, do something for YOU.
__________________
Important disclaimer: Any information in this post is not and does not constitute medical advice under any circumstances. Addiction Survivors, Inc. does not warranty or guarantee the accurateness, completeness, adequacy or currency of the information contained in or linked to the Site. Your use of information on the Site or materials linked to the Site is entirely at your own risk. NEVER take any online advice over that of a qualified healthcare provider. Any information contained on AddictionSurvivors.org should only serve to inspire further investigation with credible, verifiable references sources such as your physician or therapist.
Magda is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 08-12-2010, 05:36 PM   #86
Saint
Senior Member
 
Saint's Avatar
 
Posts: 2,364
Default

Fiedler,

Hi-Alcohol will be the central character in your life until your husband decides to change. As you become emotionally detached you are starting to see things as they really are. Your point of view regarding your relationship has changed but your husband's hasn't. He still has his blinders on. His addiction focuses his energy and actions in that direction, to that end.

Take time, make some time for yourself. As Magda said, treat yourself, hell spoil yourself for a day ; ), you deserve it.

Wishing you the best,
Saint
Saint is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 08-12-2010, 06:21 PM   #87
SLynn
Moderator
 
SLynn's Avatar
 
Posts: 866
Default

Hi Fiedler,

Well, I wish the update had better news. You can only hurt and care for so long and then become "numb" to protect yourself.

Not surprising, giving the history, that he would choose the "fun" (alcohol related) activities for his vacation. I'm sorry. I really do know how that hurts. I'm sure he know you'll be there...you always are, right?

I believe you can be as happy as you want to be with someone OR as miserable as you want to be....it's hard to be in that happy place when you feel you are in it alone.

You're in my thoughts and hang in there.

SLynn
__________________
Important disclaimer: Any information in this post is not and does not constitute medical advice under any circumstances. Addiction Survivors, Inc. does not warranty or guarantee the accurateness, completeness, adequacy or currency of the information contained in or linked to the Site. Your use of information on the Site or materials linked to the Site is entirely at your own risk. NEVER take any online advice over that of a qualified healthcare provider. Any information contained on AddictionSurvivors.org should only serve to inspire further investigation with credible, verifiable references sources such as your physician or therapist.
SLynn is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 08-12-2010, 09:55 PM   #88
R. Lee
Senior Member
 
Posts: 4,984
Default

Fiedler, Your husband is caught up in his me, me, me world. Life is all about his wants. I understand you getting fed up. If he keeps it up he will just push you farther away.
R. Lee is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off




All times are GMT -4. The time now is 05:31 PM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2019, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
© 2014 Addiction Survivors