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Unread 09-23-2009, 01:24 PM   #1
Fiedler
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I just read through some of the most recent posts and I have to say that I do find help with the advice and see that I am just not putting myself first. I am still not convinced that I should. Although I feel that leaving my husband is what I want to do, that doesn't mean it's what I should do. I hope that makes sense. I don't want my children to be without a full time Dad. I just feel so guilty when I think about doing that to them. Then I read other posts where it makes sense to leave a toxic relationship than to stay and model that behavior to your kids. It is just so hard to decide. I am just living in a haze - I only talk to my husband if there is something about the kids or the house to talk about. I feel like I am constantly criticizing him and I know it's wearing him down too. There are so many things left unsaid and I am reluctant to bring them up to him because I have done it all before to no avail. He thinks that because he brings two beers from the garage into the house, that I don't know that he downs shots before he gets into the house. It is a vicious cycle and perhaps I an a co-dependent because I have changed to adapt to this so called life. I am just so sad. Last night I thought to myself that I am really trying hard to push my husband away. I think that I'm secretly hoping that HE will leave because of the way I treat him. That will make things easier for me. Pathetic huh? But it goes even beyond the drinking too. I feel like a single mom. My husband and I don't do anything together. It's like we live in the same house and that's it. I really think that I married him to fix him. He had an unhappy childhood with people who let him down a lot, but anyway maybe I've just realized that I can't fix him and he will never be who I wanted him to be. This is getting way too deep now, but maybe he knows that he can't live up to my expectations, so he drinks. Any insight on that anyone??

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Unread 09-23-2009, 06:17 PM   #2
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Fiedler,
There are some decisions that can only be made by you alone. Regardless of the quality of the advice. And it requires one to be honest. There is a lot of fear, understandably so, and it does get to the core of how difficult reaching honest conclusions and action can be. You don't want your children to be without a full time dad, you say. Well, what is the quality of the parenting at this time? How much your energy is being extended to your husband, that you could be focusing on your kids. And does he really share the load, in a good faith effort.
What about the tension between you and your husband? The children read that tension and it can be confusing to them. And likely you are criticizing him. It is clear neither of you are happy.
You may have feelings of guilt about leaving and yet are you doing something selfish or wrong? I don't think so. Leaving is an undesirable choice without a doubt, and there are undesirable effects as well. And yet are you doing it to be hurtful? I don't think so. Be honest with yourself as you struggle with this. Be honest as well with your feelings of love and affection that you may still have for your husband. And look how difficult it has become to act on those feelings. This is all painful stuff.
There are no villains here, though you could be looking for one. In a perverse way you could be seeing yourself as the "villain". Your ambivalence is not uncommon. And yes you have to look honestly at your role in this relationship, there are two sides to every story, but being honest is the way to confront these issues. As well as abiding by the lessons learned. When I speak of honesty, I see it as a matter of consistency as well as a form revealing.
Bottom line there are no easy answers here and no easy way out. It is painful, but are you doing the things to re-energize the pain or responding to the problems that are at the root cause? If you are going to stay is the status quo satisfactory? It doesn't look like it.
I always believe that a miracle is possible, I see it too often to discount it, but it is not a replacement for apparent real world circumstances. And the miracle is not what we often expect it to be. Otherwise I would have won the lottery by now. It doesn't work that way. Have faith that you are making your choices in good faith, get honest about your own anger and bitterness and how it is expressed. Ask yourself what would you want your children to do if they found themselves in a situation? What would you like them to learn from this? He will always be their father, but he is not being a very good husband.
I am aware it is easy for me to say these things, you are living with this, and the results of your choices so take my advice with a grain of salt. I trust you will find a way.
Are you talking with a counselor about this situation? I hope you are.

All the best.
Jerry
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Unread 09-23-2009, 08:40 PM   #3
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Jerry, Your post hit the nail on the head!
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Unread 09-24-2009, 12:26 AM   #4
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Fielder,

When I was in the situation of trying to decide what to do, I too questioned myself and my role in everything. I'm not perfect, but I also know that I wasn't so bad that I forced him to drink until he ended up in detox. In fact, I personally do not believe you can force anybody to drink or to stop drinking either.

I hope you will consider looking at the situation in the light of you can show your kids who you are and what you are made of. Not by making teh decision to stay or go, but in terms of how you decide to handle things. No matter how tough the situation is, your kids somehow know if you are being "real" or not. They can somehow sense the fear and/or stories we tell ourselves. I think that is what Jerry was referring to in a way - about being real and facing things head on.

It is my personal philosophy that the truth is often far less awful than what you imagine. I hope you will consider getting an outside opinion from a counselor or other professional. It can become so confusing when you are in the relationship, that it can be incredibly difficult to listen to your gut and hear what you are really telling yourself and what it your truth. When you do find yourself and your own truth, it is often much easier to determine what to do.

This may be an opportunity to show your kids how to handle an exceptionally difficult situation. Gather facts and data and then make a decision that is right FOR YOU.

Hang in there, and hope you will keep writing.
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Unread 09-24-2009, 07:11 PM   #5
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Fielder,
It takes a great deal of courage to think about the choices you have made in your life and why.Many of us have been in relationships where we really loved someone that was broken.We thought that we could be the glue that puts them back together and we settle in for the long haul only to become broken as well.Honestly, if you are running around trying to fix your husband, who is going to fix you?
I truly feel that people who drink or use drugs do so because they are choosing to live within their own reality.They have stopped being part of life on life's terms.There is no person at fault, the alcoholic/addict are choosing to not deal with life and until they do nothing will get better.
Only YOU can decide to mend yourself and you cannot mend your husband, he has to do it himself.If you don't think that is possible for him because he is not willing you either stay this way or start thinking about making things better for you and your children.I feel that staying in a bad marriage could cause far more damage to children than standing on your own.I have seem both scenarios and I would always have to put my money on starting fresh without the realm of negative emotions in the air all the time.This is allot to think about.
Just know that YOU deserve happiness, respect, and love.YOU did nothing to be ashamed of and everything you did do was out of love for your partner.Maybe he just never loved himself.I will chime in with the others and tell you a counselor is a wise choice.
You are in my thoughts.Keep posting!
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Unread 09-24-2009, 08:24 PM   #6
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Fiedler

I get all that you are saying and it's so heartbreaking. I know there is no RIGHT answer but just bits and pieces of things that seem right....but are they still what you feel the following day or week? This is just a guess from my past experiences.

I have to believe that you children live knowing something isn't right at home. The tension must be thick...how could they not sense their parents aren't a happy, loving couple like some of their friends have?? I don't say this to further your torment but as a child who had to live like this for some time, I was ALWAYS aware that things were wrong, tense and cold. I'm just pointing out that what you may be trying to save them from isn't real to begin with. Does that make any sense?

All that being said, only you can make your choices and decisions. We are just here as a sounding board and offer opinions and insight. We 'see' such a small piece of the picture by talking online like this and we don't judge you for your decisions.

I feel your frustrations and pain.

SLynn
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Unread 09-28-2009, 01:14 PM   #7
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This weekend was one of the worst ever. I made the mistake of committing to play Wii bowling with some friends every other Saturday.
This takes place with friend of ours who all drink. I told Todd I would drive so I may as well have just said "drink as much as you want". He drank so much! He was staggering by the time we came home and unfortunately two of our three children were still awake. The next day he had a golf tournament and guess what? He got drunk again. Totally useless this whole weekend. I did nothing but cry. I will be contacting a lawyer to see what my options are. I wanted to talk to my husband yesterday about how awful I feel all the time and wanting to leave, but he was drunk by evening and passed out in his chair. When this happens, I tell the kids he is sleeping. Should I tell them Daddy drank too much and this is what happens when you do? Anyway, I have legal counsel through my union and I really plan on calling to see if I can get my husband to leave the house. I'm afraid he won't leave when I ask him too. He'll tell me to leave and of course I will take the three kids with me. But why should I leave the house when I pay the mortgage? I will find this out and when I do , we are having a talk. I am just waiting for the right time. Just crying and doing nothing is not good. I will keep you posted.

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Unread 09-29-2009, 03:27 PM   #8
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Hi Fielder,
You already received solid feedback, but I wanted to check on you and I hope you feeling a bit better ? Yes, it does sound like a horrible weekend, in addition to the immense sadness, it sounds like you have reached your saturation level with your husband's behavior. You realize it not going to get resolved on its own.
Do what you need to do for yourself and your children.
You ask should you just tell the kids that Dad is drinking... imo, I would seek professional help on how to best handle this, since you still have your own issues surrounding to his alcohol issues. I am not sure of their ages, if they are able to understand concepts such as alcoholism. There is Alateen , counseling, etc... I am sure they know that something is wrong, it is confusing for them. And I am guessing, it is frustrating for you to constantly be the responsible person, since he obviously is not able or willing to consider what this is doing to them.

Maybe Magda or Slynn can provide feedback since they have personal experience. Remember you want the best possible outcome with your children, how you handle it will affect them in so many ways, so ideally, proceed with professional advice on this matter. ( imo )

I hope you are feeling better and that you will follow up with your plans to contact legal counsel to find out what your right are. Hang in there and take care, Carly
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Unread 09-29-2009, 07:23 PM   #9
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My heart aches for you, but I really think you are doing the right thing. Not knowing what your options are is stressful, imo. Everyone who has been through a divorce will tell you something different, and that is becuase every situation is different. My recommendation is to seek competent legal advice and then go from there.

With respect to your kids and what to tell them. I signed up for an appointment with an AODA (alcohol and other drug abuse) counselor to get advice. It was SUCH a relief after talking with him. He told me I shoudl stop lookign for and checking on my ex's hiding spots because that was participating in the disease. For me, it was a HUGE relief - of a burden I wasn't even aware that I was carrying!

The AODA provided input on what to tell my son, but it really is age dependent. Maybe a school counselor could provide input as to how to handle?

When I decided to leave, I also contacted a child psychologist well in advance to get some ideas and perspective as to what to do, what not to do, what I may run into, etc. Although it cost me $70.00, it was worth it to me to have more information from somebody that has seen kids go through a divorce.

Getting advice from experts and collecting information/data points was key for me and how I handled everything. You don't have to rush, you aren't on any timeline except your own - so gather as much information as you need and then go from there.

I can tell you that leaving the marriage, although it was really difficult, was THE BEST thing I have done in a LONG time. I am a different person. I was "dead" before - just going through the motions of living.. Now I am laughing and enjoying life. It isn't easy and it isn't a barrel of laughs all the time, but by far, it is much better the majority of the time. I would rather be lonely and truely alone, than lonely in a marriage. At least now I have the option to reach out and contact other people, even if they are only friends!!!

Take care, please let us know how you are doing!
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Unread 09-30-2009, 11:15 AM   #10
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Fiedler

I can only say I'm sorry for you....I truly am. I know you've tried and have sacrificed yourself in hopes things would change. I think you've reached your breaking point and are mourning the coming decisions.

1418 has just gone through this and did all the right things. Follow her model and you should be armed with information and strength. See what your lawyer says..... like mentioned above, everyone's story and advice is a little different as laws vary so much from state to state.

You can't fix him.....and I think you know that now. I know we try to believe that some rational moment will spur them to make the right decisions because they love us. At this point, you need to love yourself enough to make the right decisions. The children will follow your lead. You deserve to be happy, too......and the children will thrive off that, as well.

Keep talking with us.

SLynn
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Unread 10-01-2009, 09:49 AM   #11
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Thank you for that last paragraph, SLynn. I have read it about 1000 times since yesterday. I am one of the non posting readers that use this site and want to thank everyone for everything and encourage you to keep venting, as sometimes we find comfort and strength in the words of others, and maybe sometime the courage to start talkng ourselves.
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Unread 10-01-2009, 04:02 PM   #12
Fiedler
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Crisco-

Reading the words is definitely encouraging. It's just so hard to actually believe them. I feel so guilty wanting to put myself first. Sometimes I really want to leave, but then I realize he is the way he is because of heredity and the sadness in his childhood. Is Heredity a huge factor in whether someone will become an alcoholic? I am so worried about my kids. His mother left his father when he was little b/c he was an alcoholic.
Yet my husband still ended up an alcoholic. Is it just inevitable? That is one reason I haven't left. What good does it do if it isn't going to prevent my children from becoming alcohlics. Maybe them seeing their Dad this way will prevent them from becoming one. There is so much uncertainty.
It is so hard and I still can't make a decision. I did talk to a lawyer who told me that if I wanted to get him to leave, I would have to contact family court. Which means, filing for a legal separation. I can't leave with my kids, there is nowhere to go without burdening family and none of their houses are large enough to acommodate four of us. Anyway I will keep you posted.

Fiedler
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Unread 10-01-2009, 07:23 PM   #13
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Yet my husband still ended up an alcoholic. Is it just inevitable? That is one reason I haven't left. What good does it do if it isn't going to prevent my children from becoming alcohlics. Maybe them seeing their Dad this way will prevent them from becoming one. There is so much uncertainty.


My kids are 18 and 20 now, and like you, I worry about the heredity issues. But I will tell you that having to put up with all of the bs over the years taught them a lot. I was thankful to be a stay home Mom, so I could be with them all the time that they were not in school. I wish I had a dime for every time they told me that they wished he would leave. They knew we couldn't go because he is our meal ticket. They both vow (for now, anyway) that they will not touch the stuff. They are not perfect kids by any stretch, but I have had no alcohol issues with either one of them. I pray that they have learned from his bad examples. You always think you want to see your kids learning from good, but sometimes God works in mysterous ways, I guess. My oldest daughter is happy in a Christian College, and is thankful for it's value system in place as well as it's dry, zero tolerance policy. I know that every family dynamic is different, but thought I might be able to give you a bit of light at the end of this wreched tunnel. I don't know if I did the right thing, or if I am doing the right thing now by letting myself remain trapped. I have been out of the workplace for 20 plus years, and I have lost a lot of confidence in my ability to get a good job in this economy. I hope to find some strength to see what's out there. I dunno. Right now I feel a lot of lonliness since my oldest goes to school out of town, and fearful because my youngest will graduate and move on within the year. It is getting so I can't tell what day of the week it is anymore, they all seem the same. I hope that hearing of my experience may give you something to think about, maybe a perspective you haven't considered.
Thanks for venting, and listening!
C.
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Unread 10-01-2009, 08:15 PM   #14
Fiedler
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Crisco-

Thanks for your advice. I take it you are still with your husband? How many times did you have "the talk" with him about how much his problem is affecting you? I have had so many talks with my husband that it does
no good. He has gotten drunk twice this week and buzzing the rest of
the week. Tomorrow he has another golf outing where he doesn't have to drive and I hope I have the courage to tell him tonight that he better come home sober. I know I am supposed to detach and everything, but
I really can't take this. I really want to tell him that I 'm only staying because of the kids- it has nothing to do with wanting him to get better.
That's how I feel now. It sounds like your kids are well adjusted despite what they had to deal with. That is because of you so good job. I just hate feeling this way - like someone is sitting on me and I can't get up.
Sucks doesn't it?

Fiedler
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Unread 10-01-2009, 09:24 PM   #15
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Like you, I have talked until I am blue in the face, and it only gets me called names that break my heart. Golf is a problem for me, too. My husband uses his golf to drink the hard stuff. Sneaks it up the back stairs and into his golf bag. Such a jerk, I feel angry because he takes me for such a stupid fool. I started being brutally honest a few months ago, I guess I figured I had nothing to lose.(Thankfully, I have never felt physically threatened) Sometimes I think he listens and comes home in fair shape. It does make me feel better to get my true feelings out, although he doesn't care.
I know I need to detach, too. That is where I have the problem. I still love this man. I hate him, but I love him if that makes any sense. I wish I could give up on him as easily as he has given up on me. I will be thinking of you and praying for you Fiedler, Keep fighting. Fight like a girl, Baby!
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Unread 10-02-2009, 09:28 AM   #16
Fiedler
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I had a talk with him last night. I apologized for being such a witch, but added that I am so unhappy with the situation and his drinking. I reminded him how drunk he got last Sat. and Sun. and told him he wasn't fooling me when he hides his booze in the garage. I told him I don't want that example for our kids. Also, that I knew he loves the kids, but they don't deserve that example from their Dad. He listened and Iwaited for a response. He told me he was thinking. Then h"e finally said that he didn't want to talk because he knew I would tell him he was wrong, so I insisted that he say it anyway. Of course, he said that for the past several years, I have given him "nothing". Meaning no affection. I actually told him he was right and that I don't want to be near him because of his problem. Then he said that my lack of affection has been going on "way before my drinking ". So I asked him when he thinks his problem started and he said when our son died. I suspected this myself before and I told him when he died, we didn't grieve together and that as a matter of fact we don't do anything that matters together. He said nothing to that. I told him that we should go to counseling together too. Then he comes up with "how about you help me". I said how can I help you? So he said that he needs to think about it first, then let me know. I REALLY NEED SOMEONE WITH EXPERIENCE TO GIVE ME THEIR TAKE ON OUR CONVERSATION. He still isn't ready to take that step and thinks I can help him stay sober. I WON'T DO IT!! Thought I should update you. Hope someone responds.

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Unread 10-02-2009, 10:06 AM   #17
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Fiedler,
IMO it sounds like he is patronizing you. Trying to make you feel important, like you are the one he will respond to. I applaud you for not wanting to to this, and asking for a more knowlegeable opinion. I am anxious, too, to read the responses. YOu are smart not to trap yourself in a position where you get blamed for his failures. Happy Friday, I guess.
C..
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Unread 10-02-2009, 12:52 PM   #18
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HI Ladies!

I've been watching your communication and it warms my heart when people 'find'
each other.....someone who is essentially living your life. It's so helpful.

Fiedler, if I were you, just wait and see what your husband comes up with but be cautious, like you are. He is putting his success in your hands and if he fails, it's not his fault, it's yours. That's no place you want to be because you're already there!! He already has blame towards you with the no affection statement. So typical.

The grieving of your son has come up a few times now and perhaps it is the root of many problems. If you shut down and he shuts down....you'll never move forward. He drinks his way 'forward' and seems like you're spinning your wheels.

I'm curious to see what he comes back with after the talk. Part of me thinks he'll never mention it again if you don't push. There's always hope that he has a plan and it's something you can work with.

Crisco, I'm happy you're posting here. Your words are important.

SLynn
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Unread 10-04-2009, 02:24 PM   #19
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Well he still hasn't brought up anything about our conversation the other night. All I know is, that he is so stoic until he starts drinking, then it's like he "comes alive". I think that he is hoping I won't bring this up again and I'll forget about it, and I have to admit, that's what I usually do - BUT NOT THIS TIME!! Tonight, if he is sober enough,, I will see if he has thought about what we discussed. I know he is not willing to seek help because he hasn't stopped drinking. I told him the other night that I am not going to go to the Wii parties every other weekend if it means watching him get Sh@# faced. I told him they are all alcohlics pretty much so it doesn't help him at all. What should I do? I really feel like telling him that I don't want to do it and that he should find another partner to play instead of me. His idea of doing things together involves drinking, while I am happy going out to the movies with the kids. Any advice is appreciated. He is going to be so mad if don't do this. But I have to see where this is going to lead instead of hitting a brick wall every time. Thanks everyone.

Fiedler
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Unread 10-04-2009, 06:38 PM   #20
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Fiedler, You do not have to be party to his drinking so I would suggest not going to the drinking party.
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Unread 10-06-2009, 03:47 PM   #21
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Hi Fielder,

Wanted to check on you. Have you had the talk with him ? Hang in there, we are here for you. Take care, Carly
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Unread 10-12-2009, 10:09 PM   #22
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Hi Fiedler

Did you make any decisions on whether or not to join your husband in the games? Just curious and thinking of you.

SLynn
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Unread 10-13-2009, 12:48 PM   #23
Fiedler
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As of now, we are in somewhat of a limbo. He has been very sick - sicker than I have ever seen him. I told him his immunity is way down because of his drinking. So b/c of that, I have not asked him whether he has decided what he is going to do about his problem. This Saturday is the Wii bowling night. I decided to see how it goes. If he does what he did last time, I will not go again. I have every confidence in myself that I will do what I must. He will go alone from now on or find someone to take my place. He thinks that I will just forget about our conversation, but I won't. Since he is starting to get better, I will bring up the subject again and see where it leads. Thanks for checking on me.

Fiedler
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Unread 11-04-2009, 02:19 PM   #24
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Fiedler

I hope things are better in your home. It's been a couple weeks and hope hubby is on the mend. How are things in regards to the wii party? Has he mentioned or have you brought up the conversations?

You're in my thoughts.

SLynn
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Unread 11-09-2009, 10:28 PM   #25
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Hi Fielder,

Just checking on you and we are here for you. Take care, Carly
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Unread 11-10-2009, 01:08 PM   #26
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Thanks for checking in. Things are the same, but somehow I have not let myself play the game anymore. I have come to accept that I can't change him or his behavior. I know he is sneaking drinks and still thinks I don't know about it. But I will not check up on him or count how many things he has stashed anymore. If/When things get worse, I have a plan and know what I have to do. I just am worried that I will have to put up with what poor Mary Ellen has to put up with - a husband who has ruined his body due to alcohol. Mary Ellen - if you're reading this, you are the strongest person I know for being there for him! I look up to you and hope that if what happened to your husband happens tomine - I will be as strong as you and stand by him. God bless and just know that I have found a little peace by making this decision for myself - thanks to a lot of you here!

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Unread 11-10-2009, 03:15 PM   #27
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Hi Fielder,
Thanks for updating us and I am so glad that all of you are here to share and support each other. Take care of yourself, Carly : )
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Unread 11-10-2009, 08:38 PM   #28
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Fiedler, I wish you the best for your brave decision. R. Lee
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Unread 11-11-2009, 11:35 PM   #29
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Fiedler,

I too wish you the best but I would be remiss if I didn't tell you I worry for your children, as I'm sure you do.

Today my daughter, age 11, saw me reading some posts on this forum. She told me, "Daddy, you're addicted to Addiction Survivors". I chuckled and after her next breath she asked "Daddy, are you addicted to anything......., like beer? You drink beer everyday." The question caught me off guard. Not knowing how much or how little to tell her I replied by mentioning that I have not had a beer for some time.

My point being children are much more aware of what is happening in their life, than I as a parent, perhaps would like to believe or acknowledge.

Fiedler, your husband is fortunate to have you in his life. Stay strong for yourself and your children

Warmest Regards
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Unread 11-12-2009, 08:48 AM   #30
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Fiedler,

You face some rough choices and I am glad to hear you address them with sanity and clarity. In what ever you do, please take care of yourself as best you can and keep us posted.
All the best,
Jerry.
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Unread 11-14-2009, 10:18 AM   #31
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Saint

Excellent observation in your child's observation.....children do know much more than we give them credit for. The may not always speak up, but they see and hear everything. I think you handled it well and at some point, you may want to explain more.

Fiedler,

I hope you have found comfort in your decision to stay. It helps to be off the fence, so to speak, and know what path you are going. Hopefully it'll stop the negotiations you must have going on in your head at all times....staying in the marriage is your goal.

I wish you and your family nothing but the best. There is always hope.....

SLynn
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Unread 11-15-2009, 12:29 PM   #32
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Hi Fielder,

I have been reading your posts and I can appreciate the relief you must feel for making a decision. Sometimes making a decision can also bring anxiety. I don't know wny, but when i was living with my ex/married to my ex, everything seemed so final and so extreme. I remember many arguments that included "always" and "never"... and I have found cI have been out of the marriage and out of the house, I realize how black and white my thinking had become. I'm not saying this is how you are right now, but I do want to reminder you that you can ALWAYS change your mind.

It seems to me that you have carefully weighed the facts of the situation as well as your feelings and you have made the best decision for you at this time. If facts change and/or your feelings change, I hope you continue to pay attention to your gut instinct and have the courage to listen to yourself, just like you have in this situation. I encourage you to always make the best decision FOR YOU and your child.

I hope you are feeling very good about yourself right now. You've been through a great deal and are probably feeling mentally and possibly physically exhausted as well. Please continue to take care of yourself and nurture yourself. You are in control of you, and you can stay as long as you want, and you can always change your mind.

Take care,
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Unread 11-18-2009, 04:02 PM   #33
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Thank you to all who have responded. As usual, you send me good advice and thought-provoking suggestions. I know that it will never be easy and that sometimes I will re-think my decision. I already know that I have to leave if it gets to the point where he gets another DWI, starts getting mean or if his drinking puts the children in danger. Those situations, i will not tolerate. As of now, his drinking is getting worse. I can't even tell him something without him forgetting. He also repeats himself, not remembering that he already told me. I am starting to notice that my son goes out of his way to be with his Dad. I don't know if it's because they are close, or if it's because he knows I am not happy. I am going to have a nice conversation tonight with the older kids (my youngest is six) and let them vent and tell me their concerns. I'll keep you posted.

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Unread 11-20-2009, 04:29 PM   #34
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HI Fiedler

Just wondering if you had a chance to talk with your children and if so, how did it go? That's a huge thing to do and I give you lots of credit.

Hope you have a good weekend with no drama.

SLynn
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Unread 11-21-2009, 01:59 AM   #35
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Fiedler,

I am curious as well to hear how it went in talking with your children.
Hope it went well.
Jerry
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Unread 11-21-2009, 10:46 PM   #36
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Jerry and SLynn-

Didn't get a chance to talk with them. Something sad happened with my husband's sister. She suffered a miscarriage last night. Our time has been occupied with that. My husband was not himself tonight. It's our bi-weekly Wii night and he was very distant with me . Yes, he drank too much and right now he's passed out in his chair. Came home drunk again in front of his kids. Sometimes I really hate him.

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Unread 11-22-2009, 09:50 PM   #37
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To continue from my last post - I confronted him this evening about what is going on with him. He's been distant and shut down. He finally admitted to what it was that was bothering him. Apparently, I was rude to him and he felt bad. Our conversation then progressed to him feeling like he's put on the back burner. He said he is also just a "slave to my wishes". So I said what exactly do you do upon my request? He couldn't answer that, so I said he is wrong. So I couldn't help but to tell him that the reason why things are the way they are is because I can't stand being near him. His alcoholism is killing our marriage. He then blamed me for his drinking and I told him that was a classic excuse of an alcoholic. He told me to go talk to my counselors and they will give me what I need. I finally said that I'm sick of him showing a crappy example to our kids - because this is really all about them. Then I said (and I wish I didn't now)- that it doesn't matter what I say anyway because he probably wont' remember it since he's been drinking already. Then I left the room. I will keep you posted as to what happens tomorrow.

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Unread 11-22-2009, 11:37 PM   #38
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Fiedler,

I'm new to site and was just reading your last post. I couldn't agree more about how important it is that parents must be the best example of what they want for their kids. I quit drinking (after what I consider to be a potentially dangerous/addictive relationship with alcohol) in summer of 2007. The major contributing factor to my quitting was that my wife had (has) been struggling with alcohol addiction for a number of years and I thought that the best way for me to help her was to quit drinking myself and I wanted to be the best husband (and future father) that I could be. I wanted to have all of my issues (with alcohol, anyway) figured out before a child was born. I'm so happy I quit. And now my wife is working on it and I'm helping in any way i can. But she and I both think it's so important for it all to be sorted out before our daughter is old enough to realize what's happening (i.e. why her mom sometimes comes home stumbling through the door, vomits, and lays in bed the whole next day). I hope your husband can somehow realize what your children are seeing - they are always so much more perceptive than we realize. They know...and they will never forget.

I wish you the best in your struggle.

-"helping her always"
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Unread 11-23-2009, 10:32 PM   #39
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helpingheralways, Welcome to the site. Keep posting.

Way to go thinking of your family 1st. I hope your wife does not have to give away the things in life that I gave away just to continue to drink. I got a grip on my drinking in 2004 almost 61 years old.

Drinking was just a symptom of my problem. My problem was a thinking problem. Always placing of my wants 1st.
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Unread 11-24-2009, 07:23 PM   #40
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I appreciate the kind words. I'm sorry for the suffering you must have gone through.

I'd say that my drinking was most strongly influenced by some underlying depression and some behavior that was self-destructive. My wife has a bit of that too, but hers also seems strongly impacted by biology/physiology (brother is severe alcoholic, mom is moderately functioning but also severe) and some underlying psychological issues from childhood. We're trying hard to just figure out what it takes to be happy and I've noticed how easily that happiness can be eroded by drinking (yet, somehow, still have a hard time abstaining sometimes).

It - like any chronic condition/disease - requires daily maintenance. My heart goes out to those who have had a more difficult time that I have. Glad to have found this forum for support with me and with my wife. Thanks to you and everyone else who participates.
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Unread 11-24-2009, 09:27 PM   #41
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Fielder - IMO - you responded with what he needed to hear, whether he remembers or not, you sound strong !

That is such sad news about his sister- I am so sorry to hear of their loss.

With the holiday approaching, it can be very stressful for the alcoholic.
This does not mean you and your children should be deprived of a Happy, peaceful , enjoyable day, just that- and I am sure you know this, it can go either way, with his intake.

Maybe let him know what you would like to happen, you have every right to have a great holiday with your family.
Just a thought.

I truly wish you the best and that you all have a great holiday together.
Take care, Carly
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Unread 12-01-2009, 01:00 PM   #42
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HI Fiedler

So what was the end result? Did he remember the conversation? I have to agree with Carly....you said what needed to be said. I don't see anything wrong with it. It is the truth, right?

How was your Thanksgiving? I hope your family is well and I'm sorry for the loss.

Helpingheralways~

You add a nice perspective to things. Keep posting. You are so right about the children issue. They always know more than we think they do and they won't forget what they've seen.

SLynn
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Unread 12-05-2009, 02:23 PM   #43
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Hi Fielder,

How have you been doing ? How did Thanksgiving turn out ? Many posts talked about the holidays and how they can be stressful for the alcoholic and in turn for the families.
I hope you can find some enjoyment during this time, for you and your children, sending prayers your way, let us know how you are doing.

Take care, Carly
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Unread 12-14-2009, 02:27 PM   #44
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Hi Fielder,

Thinking about you, wondering how you are doing. Hope you are taking care of yourself, Carly
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Unread 12-17-2009, 09:56 PM   #45
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Fiedler,
How are you doing? I hope things are going well.
All the best,
Jerry
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Unread 12-21-2009, 02:23 PM   #46
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Hi Fiedler

I'm checking on you, too. Hope you're having a wonderful holiday and that's why we aren't hearing from you.

SLynn
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Unread 12-22-2009, 03:50 PM   #47
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Hi all-

Sorry I haven't posted in a while. With this time of year, I am soooo busy. Things have been the same with my husband. His drinking has not gotten better, not worse either, but I am not sure if I am learning how to deal with him or if I am just giving up. I am trying to be happy with him by trying not to live like "the wife of an alcoholic." I am trying to do what I have to do as a mom and wife - leaving the alcoholism out of it. Yes, it is an issue that I can't ignore, but I have started to concentrate on not making it the only issue in my life. I hope that is making sense. I truly have learned after all this time to detach myself and not try to change him or control what he does. So basically, I am okay right now. I pray it gets better for his sake, but I am going day by day. thanks to you all and Merry Christmas.

Fiedler
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Unread 12-22-2009, 10:50 PM   #48
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I'm so glad to be sober at this time of day!

Fiedler, Have a great Holiday season. It sound like you are working a good program 1 day at a time.
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Unread 12-24-2009, 11:02 AM   #49
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Hi Fiedler

Thanks for the update. I pray your holidays are enjoyable. And maybe...just maybe...your husband will really be there for you and the family. We can hope!

Merry Christmas

SLynn
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Unread 12-25-2009, 08:45 AM   #50
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Merry Christmas Fielder ! Hope you have a peaceful, wonderful holiday! Take Care,
Carly : )
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