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Unread 05-23-2009, 06:25 PM   #1
Fiedler
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Default Be careful what you wish for

Hi everyone:

This month has been sooo busy with Little League, T-ball, and track that I haven't had time for anything - including my counseling sessions. Things on the home front are both better and worse. Better in that my husband is really doing so much better. He has not been drinking and is trying hard. For that I am glad. The only thing is, I don't like him anymore. He is mean, condescending, and will only talk to me if I speak to him. Is this what sobriety is supposed to be like? I almost wish he would go back to drinking so I would at least know what to expect. I took my long weekend to Quebec last weekend and made arrangements for him to be without the kids, b/c I wasn't sure if he would stay sober. He didn't even ask me why he can't take care of the kids. Either he knows I don't trust him or he was glad to be rid of them. He never talks, so it is my guess as to which is the answer. I am trying to be strong, yet sometimes I feel it is all my fault - maybe I am being selfish. I don't know. I am just so sad that I don't have the intimacy I need- the emotional and spiritual kind which is the most important kind to have. It's like we just co-exist. I don't know what I'm going to do. This weekend is always a sad one for me anyway because of my son's death 10 years ago - he would be ten - died at birth. So I am feeling those emotions too as well as my lousy marriage. I could use some advice and some encouragement. Thanks and take care.

Fiedler
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Unread 05-24-2009, 02:07 AM   #2
idolcrush
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Dear Fiedler,

Mother to mother I want to say, I'm sorry about the loss of your son. I'm also sorry that your husband isn't emotionally available to you especially during this time. You have my deepest compassion.

I know that the situation feels bleak to you right now but hang in there. You are exactly where you are suppose to be. Keep up your efforts and go easy on yourself. This is hard and you've come a long way already. Time will bring you further on your path and you will find the spiritual intimacy you are searching for; I know it.

Always,
Idol
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Unread 05-24-2009, 07:21 AM   #3
SLynn
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Good Morning, Fiedler

I'm sorry you're feeling so stuck....this happens so often. You hope and pray that the drinking ends but what you are left with isn't necessarily any better. Let me give you a couple links I just 'googled' and let me know what you think:

http://addictionrecoverybasics.com/2...s-a-dry-drunk/

http://www.cignabehavioral.com/web/b...pendency10.pdf

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Post_Ac...rawal_Syndrome

http://www.interventionctr.com/paws.htm

These are just a couple of MANY links you can find if you look up the subject matter.

I know that what you live in day to day isn't easy but perhaps if you can understand some of the 'reasons' it's happening you can deal with it a little better? Maybe it's something you'd like him to read about, too? He may not even realize why he feels so grumpy or 'dead' inside and learning some of what to expect may make him feel a little less crazy, for lack of a better word.

It takes a long time to get in this mess and a long time to get out. When the bottle is put down the work is just beginning.

I'm sorry about the loss of your son. You've spoken about it before and know it'll always be a part of who you are. It's especially hard at the birthday, I'm sure. My heart goes out to you at this difficult time.

Fiedler, you have to hang in there. You're doing all the right things and, in time, things will balance out. You have to keep hope.

SLynn
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Unread 05-30-2009, 11:47 PM   #4
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Hi Fielder,

I just wanted to let you know I am thinking of you and your loss. I hope you got through the weekend ok.

Slynn and Idol already gave you some great feedback and links. I wish he would agree to some type of support, stoping the alcohol is different for everyone, for some it can be very difficult to do it alone, without help.
I dare say his foul moods may be the result of him not knowing what to do with his emotions and stress without alcohol. And it sounds like you are getting the brunt of his misery. For that I am sorry, no one deserves that. None of this is your fault, what you desire from him /the marriage is imo- what anyone would want, intimacy, love, consideration, mutual respect.... you are not asking the moon and stars !
Maybe at some point you will need to assess what each of you want and go from there- if he is willing to make the effort. Until then, hang in there, remember to take care of yourself.
Yes, This month has flown by ! I hope your trip provided you with a nice break and that things are getting better. Keep us posted and take care, Carly
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Unread 05-31-2009, 07:03 PM   #5
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Hi Fiedler,

Sad to hear about your husband's behavior. There are likely many reasons he is behaving that way towards you. You already have gotten some solid advice and insight. Your husband is not happy that is clear, sadly he is not addressing his unhappiness with you.
Family members should realize that even though the alcohol is absent the the thinking and the unresolved issues are still present. He may begin to soften. Try your best to not take his sour attitude personally, and that is easier said than done, I do realize.
Get back to counseling and continue to sort these things out. And take care of your self. His attitude is not your fault. Don't take on unrealistic blame.
All the best.
Jerry
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Unread 06-03-2009, 01:39 PM   #6
SLynn
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HI Fiedler

How are things? Please check in when you can.

SLynn
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Unread 06-03-2009, 03:55 PM   #7
Fiedler
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SLynn, Jerry et al.-

I am doing okay. My husband is trying, but is still drinking on his days off. He may be drinking more, but hiding it - I really don't know. I am trying to do what is right and just focus on my life and my kids' life. My husband's sister got into a serious car accident the other night- she was DWI. She also thinks she is an alcoholic - -with issues of her own-- but want to go to AA. When my mother inlaw told my husband this, he said he'd go too. I know it sounds good, but when I mentioned it to him he said he didn't know she meant AA. He thought she meant just regular counseling. But he said he'd still go. I'll believe that when I see it. I can't help being mad that he will go with her, but won't go with me. Am I being petty? I know this scared the crap out of him, and maybe this is what he needs to see the truth about himself, but I guess I'm ticked off that he is willing to go to counseling with his sister and not with me. Anyway, things are still at a stand still here. Thanks for asking about me.

Fiedler
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Unread 06-03-2009, 09:55 PM   #8
CarlyO
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Hi Fielder,

Thanks for updating us, as far as your husband going to AA with his sister - I think whatever gets him there or to counseling is a means to an end. But yeah - it stings that you asked for so long and nothing, maybe her DUI really got his attention? I am just thankful no one was hurt.

Also, Most likely, if he does enter counseling with his sister, the counselor will suggest that you be part of the process, so I would not imo, be too upset about that.

I am guesssing you feel like you do not know what to expect from one day to the next and that is never a good feeling /place to be.

Hang in there, I know you are doing the best you can for your children, just please take care of you and be careful not to burn out on his issues. I hope you can make time to talk to your counselor.

Sending prayers your way : ) Carly
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Unread 06-29-2009, 07:41 PM   #9
SLynn
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Hi Fiedler

How are things going with you, hubby and SIL? Did hubby ever go to AA or counseling?

I'm thinking about you.

SLynn
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Unread 07-02-2009, 07:04 PM   #10
happyguy
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hi, please don't feel bad even though I can understand your situation. As his wife, i urge you to draw closer to him. in other words, you take the initiative if he doesn't. Try and sicuss with him as you normally do in the past. Don't lose hope. things will be okay.
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Unread 07-03-2009, 03:04 PM   #11
jerryg
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Hope you are doing well Fiedler.

Jerry
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Unread 07-17-2009, 01:49 AM   #12
CarlyO
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Hi Fielder,
Wondering how you are doing, please post when you have time. Sending good thoughts and prayers your way : ) Carly
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Unread 08-03-2009, 07:46 AM   #13
SLynn
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Fiedler

It's been a long time, my dear. I hope things are ok in your life.

SLynn
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Unread 08-22-2009, 11:42 AM   #14
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Fiedler-
I hope you come back soon, and see the support that surrounds you.After reading your posts it seemed important to mention a couple of things.
In regards to your husband going to counseling with his sister and not with you, it is obvious they share a bond more than siblings- they both have problems because of alcoholism.Many times, two people who share the bottle decide to be each others support system in getting sober.What they do not realize is that two drinkers equals trouble.They will surely get drunk together allot quicker than they will keep each other sober.Your husband will hear this from anyone specializing in addiction treatment.Do not take it personal.He is simply trying to soften the situation for the two of them, but it doesn't work.
Also, his crabby demeanor when sober.Sometimes it is referred to as a "dry drunk".An alcoholic resembles many of the characteristics he had while under the influence, when he is trying to stay sober on his own.Through treatment, he can learn new positive ways to handle the everyday stress and triggers that cause him to drink.Medications are available in treatment also that help a great deal with the symptoms both physical and psychological.
I hope to see you post soon, please let us know how things are in your world!
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Unread 09-05-2009, 03:25 PM   #15
Fiedler
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Thanks for checking on me SLynn and Magda. Things were going well for a while. My husband limits his intake to two(in the house). I am through deluding myself into thinking he doesn't sneak more, because I know him. I have seen his stash, though i know I sh ouldn't be checking. Today, I am at where I was before because I found a porn DVD hidden on the top bookshelf of our computer room. It is not dusty, and I do not watch trash like that. I t only escalates this situation because he has an addictive personality, I t hink. This just adds more fuel to the fire. I dont' know if I can take this anymore. I can't fix him and I don't know what to do. He won't see a counselor - although I will mention it again after I tell him I found his porn stash. This is so horrible and with three children in the house I just want to smack him. BTW- he and his sister have not even started going to AA. Once again, all talk and no action. But thanks Magda for the post about that. I will post again soon.

Fiedler
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Unread 09-05-2009, 03:50 PM   #16
Magda
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Hey,

Nice to hear from you! You may not like my opinion on the matter, but pornography is not a hot button issue for me.My husband has DVD's too and one time he accidentally left one in our DVD player and I was mad about it, but we talked and he never forgot again.There are times I simply am not interested in being intimate, and if my husband needs to take care of those needs, I would rather he watch porn than cheat.Cheating would be the end for me!!! I am open minded because I understand the need for release, but not at my emotional expense.If it was the fact that he left it in a common area, I totally understand you being upset.Children are pretty curious, he should atleast lock the movies up in a safe or something.
You are right, you can't fix him.All you can do is make suggestions. I would insist on seeing a marriage counselor atleast.It is obvious you are not happy, staying this way will not do anything positive for either of you or your children!
KIT - Magda
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Unread 09-05-2009, 11:34 PM   #17
R. Lee
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Fiedler, I'm a recovering alcoholic. I'm aware of an alcoholic's thinking because I always thought like your husband. ME, ME, & many more ME'S. I don't crave alcohol any more. I have to keep a close watch on my thinking. Alcoholic's are selfish, self seeking & care for thier wants more that any family, friends ect.
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Unread 09-06-2009, 02:57 PM   #18
Fiedler
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Magda-

I think you missed my point on the porn DVD I found. It is just another part of his addictive personality is what I was getting at. As far as it being a form of "release", I disagree. It is a form of infidelity and adds to the strain that already exists in the relationship. Husbands that are truly happy in a marriage don't need porn - even if you don't see it that way. As R. Lee pointed out - alcoholics are selfish,my husband is seeking his own pleasures regardless of his family and my husband's alcoholism and his addiction to porn are his way of having some sort of control. It is truly a sad situation.

Fiedler
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Unread 09-06-2009, 11:40 PM   #19
R. Lee
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Fiedler, You are correct that porn can be another addiction. Good luck, R. Lee
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Unread 09-07-2009, 01:30 PM   #20
Magda
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Fielder,
As I said, you probably would not agree with me and it is understandable.I respect your feelings because you are describing a very different situation than what I was speaking of.My personal view about pornography is not important, and I did not mean to offend you by what I said earlier.
Pornography can be an addiction and can have very negative effects on a marriage.I am sorry you are experiencing this situation with your husband and hope that you can work through it somehow.
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Unread 09-10-2009, 04:49 PM   #21
SLynn
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Fiedler

So sorry you're going through another hurdle. While I don't feel that porn is an automatic addiction clue, the fact that he hides it from you is a sign. People can be addicted to anything. Addiction is a behavior. None of us know what goes on in your home and perhaps this has been an issue for you before...in that case I see the red flag with you. In any event, if your marriage has this strain then it's a strain. Was pornography an issue for him in the past?

I'm sorry to see so many 'long termers' here that were doing so well having a hard time all over again. I know there will always be ups and downs but for everyone to have them at the same times is unusual. I'm frustrated for all of you.

I hope these past days have been relatively peaceful for you. How did the confrontation with your husband go regarding the DVD?

SLynn
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Unread 09-13-2009, 09:02 PM   #22
Fiedler
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SLynn-

Porn has never been an issue with us before. Never. I think that if I'm wrong about him being addicted to it then that leaves just one other
explanation. Because he wants sex more than I am willing to give it, he
has resorted to this. I am not withholding sex to spite him either. I really can't stand him and don't want him touching me. I guess I'm just
fed up. I made the mistake of going out to the garage just to see what
his alcohol stash was - this was a week after I found the porn DVD. He has a whole shelf of empty bottles of whisky stashed in a paper bag. He
also has his fridge stocked with beer. He has no intention of helping
himself and still he and his sister haven't committed to going to AA together. All of this just takes away any love I have for him. I can't help it. I feel trapped. I don't want to leave him because of the kids. Now
he has discovered Facebook and is finding all sorts of his highschool friends and thinks it's something to brag about. To me, it's another way
of distancing himself from his family. He is such a f-ing coward and I want to just scream at him! To answer your question, though, when I confronted him he made out like he had had that DVD forever. I explained how it made me feel and of course whenever we talk , he shuts down and
doesn't engage in the conversation. Instead he goes upstairs and goes to
bed. I get no relief from talking to him and I just hate my life. Thanks for listening.

Fiedler
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Unread 09-15-2009, 07:43 AM   #23
SLynn
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Fiedler

I totally understand. The DVD is just another wedge for you....I do get that. I've been in the same position to some degree and when you have so much anger and resentment towards them, intimacy (the way a woman needs it) is impossible.

Your husband is an alcoholic....he chooses alcohol over things that should really matter. It's a sickness....and it makes me so sad. While alcohol can leave you powerless in some respects, he still chooses this life over recovery.

Fiedler, how is he with the kids these days? Is he involved and do they know whats going on?

I feel how desperate, unhappy and angry you are and that's a terrible way to live. I can only let you know that we're all here for you. The rest is up to you.

If you need a release, scream into a pillow and get out some of your frustration. I know it sounds silly but it will probably do you some good.

SLynn
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