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Unread 01-04-2009, 12:23 PM   #51
paulmaury
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>>>>> Idolcrush,
Next; How long did I juggle with wanting recovery, before actually getting it?
At first, I was having too much fun partying and entertaining to actually consider that I might have a problem, plus I could consume much more than the average person, and still function. Also, back then it was easily accepted! Then came the cons of the disease. It progressed into needing to drink just to be able to function, and then followed; wife & kids needs, personal tragedies, pressures at work, ect. ect. ect.! Soon everything became a trigger for me to drink, .....it's raining,....the sun came out,......I have to fix a flat tire,......I have to go to work,.....I'm in work,.....drinking was now a part of my personallity! It wasn't until I realized that the next stop for me was certain DEATH, thats when recovery became eminent for me! >>>>>>>>>>
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Unread 01-04-2009, 12:58 PM   #52
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>>>>>> Idolcrush,
As a loving mother to your ex's son, who wants to keep her family together, my suggestion to you is this; Know what your up against! This ain't no party, this ain't no disco, this ain't no fooling around, (from the Talking Heads). This disease is; baffling, cunning, unforgiving, destructive, and most of all very, very, powerful! It can take you in different directions that all lead to one outcome....MISERY! If you are up for a long, sometimes discouraging battle then I say, GO FOR IT!
You see, you hold the most dominating weapon, and your ex's best ally for defense. That my friend is none other than.........LOVE......yes love is the only emotion that keeps us "all" still in the fight. It is natural to fight for the well being of the ones we love, but please be aware of one thing; Sometimes we don't always WIN! >>>>>>>>
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Unread 01-04-2009, 01:36 PM   #53
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>>>>>> Idolcrush,
My ex-wife and I definitely love each other, even now. She did not burn the bridge that tore us apart! It's the exact opposite, you see, she tried everything she had in her to keep our family together! I just simply, wore her down. She stood by me through it all,....the in & out of rehabs,........the mood swings,.......the lies,.....the near death driving mishaps,......the emotional abuse,.......everything a full blown alcoholic could possible throw at her, she took it head-on! We didn't split until the kids were all grown-up, and believe me I was so crushed that my drinking got even worse! As if that was at all possible, but looking back, letting her go was the single most selfless act I ever did. Recently, I started communicating back & forth with my daughters, after a very long time of absence from their lives. I'm telling you Idolcrush, this disease is very powerful, make no mistake about that!
Right now, my ex-wife is the only person left I have to make amends to. I really don't know why I am procrastinating on doing it, but my guess is that I probably am afraid that I would be jealous of how well she moved-on, or who she is with now! I just don't know, but it is important that I do carry-out the making amends step. You see..........Love, can also HURT! >>>>>>>>>>
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Unread 01-04-2009, 02:28 PM   #54
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>>>>> Idolcrush,
Last set;... How did I become an alcoholic?..... I was born into it, my father is a recovering alcoholic for 30yrs now. When I was growing up I vowed never to be like him, but I ended up twice as bad! I vowed never to put my family through any of the dysfunction that I had endured growing-up, but I did just that. At the time, I was incapable of being honest with myself, and that is a must in recovery!
I was always a nice guy. I would help anyone, anytime, and wouldn't think twice about the dangers of doing so. I am in no way, shape, or form a racist, bigot, nor am I judgmental towards anyone! So you asked; Why did I hurt the ones I love?......Well, I thought the only one I was hurting by drinking myself to death was ME! I thought nobody really cares about me anyway, so who am I hurting!....... Sound familiar!...If it doesn't now, it will sooner or later. Most addicts minds are like a top that never stops spinning & spinning & spinning, until it falls over. In my case, until I blacked-out!
As for; Were the spouses ever really nice, or was it an illusion?....Only you can answer that question, but there are no magic tricks in addictions, only .....CHANGES. Some changes are good, and some are very bad, but rest assured there will be many.
The old saying goes like this;....Hope for the best, but expect the worst!
Idolcrush, I hope I answered your questions to at least some of your satisfaction. I was being as honest as I could be! Please look for my closing. >>>>>>>>
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Unread 01-04-2009, 02:54 PM   #55
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>>>>>> Idolcrush,
This seemed to work out fine doing it in segments, wouldn't you say! Thank-you SLynn for the suggestion of doing it this way. Yippee, I completed it! Anyway in closing I would first like to Thank-you all for the opportunity to tell you a little of "My Story". Also, I would like to say this;...........Those who do not recover from addictions are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to a simple program designed to help, because they are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous HONESTY.

Until next time, remember your not Alone! ~Paulmaury~
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Unread 01-04-2009, 07:31 PM   #56
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Hi Paulmaury,

I'm so glad I got to read your posts and that you didn't give up! You had great insight to share and I want to say Thank You! I don't know you but I hope that someday my ex will be in recovery and share what he's learned with others, just like you are. Humor really does transform heavy emotions so that they're processed more easily. My ex certainly knows how to make me laugh. Perhaps if he seeks sobriety and counseling someday, we can laugh through it together =) . For now, I'm seeking light on my own.

The indulgence in self-pity, the excuses, the realization that addiction has taken control of his ability to express/receive love, the not knowing where we're headed..is a lot to handle. I'm handling it though and realize where my limitations are.

Your wife sounds like a wonderful woman and I'm glad to hear that there is still love there. Don't wait much longer to make ammends, Paulmaury. If I can give you a spouses perspective in this scenario, we wanted this day, yesterday.

The family history, the process, the outcome, has all ended up being quite liberating, wouldn't you say? This was the path of your freedom! Who would have known?! It was a long and weary road and there was some damage done but I have no doubt that you are better for it now that the lessons have been extracted and are now being shared. You are the exception that I've been looking for and the torch that shines hope in this seemingly 'lost' situation.

Love lives on ...
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Unread 01-04-2009, 09:36 PM   #57
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Paulmaury

I also want to thank you for your persistence! The perspective you have can only help.

Congrats to you and your family in all you have overcome.

SLynn
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Unread 01-05-2009, 11:48 PM   #58
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Paulmaury

I started a post earlier and got called away for more than an hour and during that time the site logged me out. When I posted 'reply' it told me I had to log in again, which would make me lose what I wrote. I copied the whole post before I logged in again and then after I did, I pasted it and there were no problems. Just thought I'd let you know for future reference. I know it's hard when you devote so much time, energy and emotion to a post.

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Unread 01-06-2009, 08:58 AM   #59
teekpdgn
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hi everyone. Congrats on each and everyone's strengths that have gotten them to another day.
Now what? It's the new year and he's still not drinking, but I still say he needs outside help. He has been working a little, which I know that it helps. I really don't LOVE him like I should to be in this relationship this long. It all seems just a habit, and it makes it easier to go through the motion. Quitting him is alot easier than smoking. which I've tried many times.( Not fair on the view of one trying to get someone else to quit their bad habits). I've threatened to leave up to the point of looking for someplace to go, but I don't have that place. He does.But he won't go eagerly. I'm very proud of him for not drinking, but we haven't hit the 90 day mark yet.
I'm still under dr care until Feb. I have gone ahead and put in a couple applications at some places,just bcuz we need money. Of course, nothing yet.
He's a quiet person until provoked, and I don't want to cause any stress that way. Really, how well does "AA" work for those that don't like other people in on their business? And how do you get one to go(I'd go too for support)that doesn't want to? And, How do I hold up my ultimatum? Things are quiet and he's not drinking.
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Unread 01-14-2009, 04:11 PM   #60
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Hi Idol-

Just wanted to check in and see how you're doing.

gf67
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Unread 01-14-2009, 05:45 PM   #61
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Hi Gf67,

Glad to hear from you. Things are okay here. I haven't heard from my ex in a while and I don't really expect to. I texted him about a week ago and asked why he doesn't make more of an effort to be a part of our lives and he ignored it. No surprise.

I'm still taking every day in stride and am hoping for good things to come.

I deal with the regret, anger and loss of our family daily but there isn't anything else I can do to help him get better. It's truely out of my hands.

How are you doing?

-Idol
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Unread 01-14-2009, 10:23 PM   #62
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Quote:
Originally Posted by teekpdgn View Post
hi everyone. Congrats on each and everyone's strengths that have gotten them to another day.
Now what? It's the new year and he's still not drinking, but I still say he needs outside help. He has been working a little, which I know that it helps. I really don't LOVE him like I should to be in this relationship this long. It all seems just a habit, and it makes it easier to go through the motion. Quitting him is alot easier than smoking. which I've tried many times.( Not fair on the view of one trying to get someone else to quit their bad habits). I've threatened to leave up to the point of looking for someplace to go, but I don't have that place. He does.But he won't go eagerly. I'm very proud of him for not drinking, but we haven't hit the 90 day mark yet.
I'm still under dr care until Feb. I have gone ahead and put in a couple applications at some places,just bcuz we need money. Of course, nothing yet.
He's a quiet person until provoked, and I don't want to cause any stress that way. Really, how well does "AA" work for those that don't like other people in on their business? And how do you get one to go(I'd go too for support)that doesn't want to? And, How do I hold up my ultimatum? Things are quiet and he's not drinking.

teekpgdn

I've answered this post several times now and I kept having computer glitches and then several power surges followed by more glitches. Sorry for the delay!

If you're going to give an ultimatum you need to be prepared to act upon the threat. If you make the threat and no action....why should he take you or it seriously? If you draw the line in the sand you have to stick to it so chose your words wisely.

All forms of therapy, counseling, AA, etc work differently for each person. Not one program is 'the' answer. AA will only work for him if HE wants it to work. It really is that simple but following through.....even when you want it really bad.....is hard. If you don't want it it's not going to happen. If he isn't willing to share in AA, maybe a private situation?

I'm happy for you that he's not drinking but still be cautious, as you are. The 90 day mark is a milestone but also a common time for relapse because of the false sense of being in control with this new found sobriety.

SLynn
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Unread 01-14-2009, 10:49 PM   #63
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Hi Idol,

Glad to hear you're coping (but wish you didn't have to!).

I'm still going to Al-Anon, and last week's meeting was particularly helpful. I'm noticing a bit of a change in how I look at things. It's only a bit of a change, but even a small step is better than staying in the same place.

My ex still wants to get back together and has started showing some signs of remorse/reflection, but I'm curbing my optimism. If you check out my last few posts in my thread, you'll see why. For now, I'm just trying to work on me and what I need to do.

I hope "not waiting" is still working for you

gf67
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Unread 01-14-2009, 11:16 PM   #64
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Hi Gf67,

I continue to read the posts and stay updated on how everyone is doing. I've had to move recently and have been really busy w/that, school and work. Also, I can't get my computer to go 'wireless' at my new house, so I don't get too much computer time being that I log onto my friends computer.

My ex has sent texts saying he loves and misses me and continues to call me babe, dear, love, etc. But when I need something from him, like REAL attention or to talk about things, he totally shuts down and disappears. I guess it's because of his 'issues', but it hurts. I told him that I feel stupid believing that he cares about us at all because it doesn't seem like he does; no response. I told him his silence is dismissive; no response. I told him that if he wants things to be different, he has to do something different; no response. This guy does not love me; it shows. I think he has only expressed some emotion to manipulate me into not asking for child support. He says he wants to work on things but doesn't 'work on things'.

I've let him go. He never wanted me to hold on and he "never wanted to be a father". He was right; I was wrong.

And I've lost. I couldn't save our family.

-Idol
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Unread 01-14-2009, 11:53 PM   #65
girlfriend67
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Idol,

I'm sorry to hear that you've come to these conclusions, but I don't think you were "wrong" or that you've "lost" or that you "couldn't save" your family.

If alcoholics tell people what they want to hear, then how could you be wrong? All you had to go by was what he was telling you. In a balanced relationship, you could trust his words, but it's not balanced. You know this now, but you weren't wrong to have hope or trust in the face of what he was telling you.

And what have you lost? Yes, you've lost the person you thought you were going to spend the rest of your life with - the man you wanted to raise your child with - but if he's resistant to help, what have you really lost? You've lost the unpredictability, the hostility, the misappropriated blame. Not much of a loss when you look at it that way. Not to mention the potential effects on your baby.

I can relate to the sense of loss you feel, but you haven't lost. You were waging a battle with both arms tied behind your back, yet you kept trying. He didn't. But that's not reflection on you. It's part of this horrible disease.

As for saving your family, you still have your son. I know that it's not the family you imagined, and my heart breaks for you, but "family" is what you decide it is. And if, in the long run, you've saved your baby from growing up in an environment fraught with tension, then you have saved your family - you've saved your family of two.

I'm sorry if this sounds over-simplified...it's late and I'm tired, but I didn't want to leave this until tomorrow to say it: Idol, you've had to do what you could in an impossible situation. He's the one with the problem. He's the one who has to change it. He's been given chances and options, and he's not ready to accept those - BUT his inability to accept those is no reflection of you or your efforts!

I wish I could offer you comfort, but please - always remember - that what you've had to do was the only option left. It might have an impact, and it might not, but never forget that you did the best you could. You gave everything but "up" and you have not lost - you've gained. I know it doesn't feel like that now, but in the weeks ahead, you'll be able to see yourself and your efforts with more clarity.

Wishing you well
gf67

Last edited by girlfriend67; 01-14-2009 at 11:57 PM..
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Unread 01-15-2009, 10:14 AM   #66
teekpdgn
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Thanx SLynn, your input has brought to light a few things I wasn't aware of. Well, I was aware, just blinded by how good he's doing. He still refuses outside help, and the ultimatum is null and void at this point. I am really proud of him, and things here at home have been peaceful. Not sure what will happen w/o the outside help, but he's doing well and I don't want to push.
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Unread 01-17-2009, 11:09 AM   #67
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gf and Idol

It's been a couple days........are you ladies ok? Check in when you can!

SLynn
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Unread 01-17-2009, 11:12 AM   #68
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Quote:
Originally Posted by teekpdgn View Post
Thanx SLynn, your input has brought to light a few things I wasn't aware of. Well, I was aware, just blinded by how good he's doing. He still refuses outside help, and the ultimatum is null and void at this point. I am really proud of him, and things here at home have been peaceful. Not sure what will happen w/o the outside help, but he's doing well and I don't want to push.

Well, all you can do is try to relax and enjoy the good (sober) times. My dad quit without any outside intervention so I know it can be done.

I'm happy for you.

SLynn
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Last edited by SLynn; 01-17-2009 at 11:13 AM.. Reason: sp
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Unread 01-17-2009, 01:32 PM   #69
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Hi SLynn,

Thanks for checking in. I'm doing pretty well this week, but I'll post about more about that in my thread later...I don't want to be a "post-hog" here in Idol's thread

Idol mentioned some issues with her internet connection, so I'm hoping that's why we haven't heard from her yet. I hope that she's staying strong and that she's 'feeling" the support for her here.

Idol - a few weeks ago, I was where you are now. I can only tell you that it does get easier. Just remember that it's not a race - we all deal with things as and when we need to, so just remember to be kind to yourself and to do what's right for you.

"The right thing and the easy thing are very rarely the same thing." Have faith in doing the right thing for you.

All the best,
gf67
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Unread 01-18-2009, 12:51 AM   #70
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Hi Girlfriend67 and SLynn,

I still haven't gotten my internet working wireless yet and so I'm still logging onto my room-mate's computer and I don't have much free-space to write w/out interruption. I haven't had much 'free-space' at all, come to think of it. I've been so busy trying to get settled while maintaining all 'other' responsibilities and now it's finally my weekend so hopefully I'll get to catch up w/my school-work and relax a little.

I still log in to read the forum's posts every day and I want to say thank you both so much for your support and concern and for checking in with me. Counseling has been good but I get so much insight from this forum and it has helped tremendously.

Gf67, thank you for taking the time to write that last post. I know it was late for you but you made so much sense to me and I really benefited from you sharing your perspective. It made a lot of sense and even made me cry!..(a good cry)

There's no doubt that I have a lot of 'fight' in me still. But this is not my battle and there is nothing I can do for my ex but hope that he finds his way. So far not much has been accomplished to that affect.

In the meantime, I'm dealing with the fact that he has chosen his addiction over his son; he chose his addiction over our family. My love was not enough; so with humility and sadness, I go about my day. I give love where love is wanted, now.

I know it's not incredible insight, but this is where I'm at right now. Thank you again, SO MUCH for being here for me and for helping me make sense out of this. I don't know where I'd be w/out your support!!

Always,
Idol
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Unread 01-18-2009, 10:56 AM   #71
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Idol - it's good to hear from you.

I'm glad to hear that counselling has been beneficial, but I can also see how coming here helps too...we're in the same boat! To that end, have you tried Al-Anon? I've found it helpful because everyone there has a common link and a common goal: coping with alcoholism in a loved one. It's really more about us than it is about the alcoholic, and I've been looking at the meetings as a form of personal growth. Just a thought.

Quote:
My love was not enough; so with humility and sadness, I go about my day. I give love where love is wanted, now.
Idol, I'm learning that no one's love is enough. In my case, how could my love be enough when I was the only one not in denial and not enabling my ex? It's a tough road anyway and speed bumps are to be expected, but it's the road blocks (the Merry-Go-Round) that seem the hardest to deal with.

Sadness - yes, it's hard, especially when it seems like you're watching someone "die" right in front of you, yet you don't even have "Well, at least he's no longer suffering" to comfort you.

As for humility, it's simply the acceptance that you are human, and of the vulnerability, fallability, and powerlessness of being human. Just hold onto the idea that humility doesn't mean humilation! And remember that the powerlessness and vulnerability will fade as you discover your own personal power

And yes - keep giving love where love is wanted. One of the things that I've found very helpful and "re-humanizing" has been climbing out of my own sadness and humility by offering love and help to others. That's why I like coming to this site: I can give support as well as get support - and it's the giving that has made me feel more "human" again.

It's not an easy process, and there are times when I wonder which is harder: living with an alcoholic or letting go of an alcoholic. I still question my strength and my love at times, but I keep reminding myself that my strength and love weren't the issue.

It's time to save our strength and love for ourselves.

gf67
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Unread 01-18-2009, 09:20 PM   #72
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Hi Gf67,

Letting go certainly has been hard. I wanted us to be happy. I know we could have had a beautiful life together if it weren't for the dysfunction and addiction.

I want to believe there is a higher purpose for this and I hope that it becomes clear over time.

I'm coming to accept that the man I fell in love with does not exist. Or maybe he's just lost; I don't know.

Either way, life is good. Now that I'm working a lot, I'm meeting new people, networking, and was even asked to be in a local commercial. I guess it's time to move on and be open to the possibility of dating. It would be nice to feel loved again.

-Idol
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Unread 01-18-2009, 10:50 PM   #73
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Idol

Take things as they come. Don't rush anything. You'll know when it's time to date, etc. It'll just happen, IMO. Some things need to happen organically for them to feel 'right'.

We all need to feel loved.....it just needs to be a happy, healthy love. Don't settle for less.

SLynn
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Unread 01-18-2009, 11:45 PM   #74
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Hi SLynn,

I don't intend on rushing anything with anyone. I'm not into superficial relationships and would never compromise my integrity or my healing process by rushing into anything prematurely. I've been faithful to my ex even when we weren't together and it's time to move forward, that's all. And I've certainly learned from this experience how valuable 'love' is.

Best,
Idol

Last edited by idolcrush; 01-19-2009 at 12:01 AM..
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Unread 01-19-2009, 12:53 PM   #75
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Hi SLynn and Gf67,

I just want to add that my ex is back to his old tricks again: dating website, denying he has a son, denying he has a problem w/alcohol on the site and in a text to me last night).

This is a hopeless situation and I am SO DONE WITH IT. I feel repulsed by his behavior and don't ever want to be with this person again. He is toxic and untrustworthy and would throw us to the wolves if he had the chance.

I can only imagine that this came about because I called him yesterday and left him a message that I care about him but need to reaffirm that we are friends. That I wanted things to be different but I need to accept the situation and move forward. That though I'm flattered that he thinks of me late at night and sends texts, it ends up setting me back and confusing me. That we have a child together and need to keep the lines of communication open and that I want to continue to support his growth and keep things amicable.

I can't accept that I am the cause of his denial or issues. If he wants to ruin his life then that's up to him.

This has just confirmed that moving on really is the best thing.

-Idol
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Unread 01-19-2009, 04:12 PM   #76
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Hi Idol,

Quote:
I can't accept that I am the cause of his denial or issues.
Nor should you have to! Given that he started displaying his behaviours early in your relationship, it's obvious that his issues and denial were pretty well established before you even met him, so you have no need to even doubt that you had an influence on his issues or his denial.

Quote:
If he wants to ruin his life then that's up to him.
Sadly, that's true. The main thing now is to ensure that he doesn't try to take you and your son along that same route. Forgive me this next question, but other than child support, is there any reason to maintain contact? It's just that I'm getting the impression that he will continue to alternately avoid and harass you, using your son as emotional bait. I don't mean to "fear monger," but his "come here...go away" tactics suggest that as long as he feels there's a personal connection, he'll continue to take advantage. Is it possible to avoid all communication with him - to communicate about your son through legal or third-person means instead of personal correspondance?

It just seems that for all your good intentions and attempts to be civil, he still sees a connection between you. I'm just wondering if he sees your reaching out as "forgiveness" for everything he's done (and will continue to do) or as "permission" to continue his games and manipulations. It might sound harsh, but perhaps a complete removal of your friendship/support is needed. Like a bully or a class clown, once he realizes he's lost his audience, he might give up his games.

I'm sure this isn't anything you haven't already considered...just thought I'd throw it out there.

Keep hanging in there!
gf67
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Unread 01-19-2009, 04:31 PM   #77
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Hi Gf67,

Once again, you are right on the mark with your observations and input. There is no doubt that the 'connection' still exists and I believe that total removal of communication is necessary. I forgot to mention that on his match.com profile, he posted pictures THAT I TOOK of the sunset when we were together. He's clearly using the profile to hurt me.

He is still not providing support for his son and has not paid his half of the child-care bill I sent him for daycare. It's about $900 a month for me just to have someone watch my son so I can work.

He is a bully and unstable and I don't want him around anymore.

Thank you, Girlfriend, for your response. I have more insight to share but right now I have to go wax my room-mate's underarms, haha.

Will come back again later!

-Idol
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Unread 01-20-2009, 02:40 AM   #78
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Hi Gf67,

It's been almost a year since my ex met his son for the first time and we began communication again. I hoped, my whole pregnancy, that it was all a terrible dream. I didn't want to wake up in the mornings because I dreaded the realization that he had left me in the worst way humanly imaginable; pregnant with our child and no hint of his whereabouts.

I had no idea why he'd done it, I had no idea what would become of us, but I would have never guessed that he would come back into our lives only to cause more damage and pain. It ends tonight.

I told him we need to cease communication at this point and his response was, 'whatever'. I'm glad he didn't refute my decision.

I don't feel anything but repulsed by him and what he has put us through.

He will never hurt us again.

-Idol
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Unread 01-20-2009, 04:26 PM   #79
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Hi Idol,

While I'm glad that you've found the resolve to cut communication, I am sorry that it got to the point of repulsion - and I hope you'll use it to feed your strength & learning as opposed to bitterness & disappointment.

And not to unnerve you, but there's still a chance that he may try to contact you again, especially when he's feeling down or nostalgic. Have you thought about how you'll deal with any future drunk-texting?

I hope you can continue your counselling, but what other supports do you have in place (family, friends, activities, hobbies)? Sometimes it helps to have others to boost our resolve during our weak or tender moments (birthdays, anniversaries, etc). Yesterday, for example, would have been our 15-month anniversary...so I went out and bought some sassy new boots.

Let us know how you're doing, and take care

gf67
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Unread 01-20-2009, 07:37 PM   #80
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Hi Gf67,

I know I was using strong words in my last post and may have seemed 'bitter' or 'resentful'. Those emotions don't sit well in me and so I am usually quick to extract the wisdom of what the pain has to offer and move forward. Sadly, I think that's part of the reason why my ex believes that I will tolerate and forgive all the things he does.

I don't know if he will try to contact me again. I don't know what he could say to change things. I think he needs to start 'doing' for me to take anything he says seriously.

My life is full with family, friends, work and school. I am trying to figure out a way to incorporate Alanon into my schedule and hope to be attending within the next couple of weeks. I feel supported, though my life feels in a shambles right now.

-Idol
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Unread 01-20-2009, 10:20 PM   #81
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Hi Idol ,

I just wanted to say Hi and that I agree about actions speak volumes as opposed to words and promises.

I think you have handled all of this with your ex with compassion and dignity - even at the sake of your peace of mind at times.
I am sad for all involved that he will not get help, but that is the nature of this disease. I will always hope that he does get help for himself, your child, so that you both can have a healthy relationship, even if you have moved on by then . But until he is ready to get well - you do not have many options with him, it will be more of the same - imo.

But, Your wisdom and life lessons will carry you through this . I think you have so much going for you that whatever happens; you will do fine.

You are a great person and I do hope when you are ready - you meet someone who truly deserves you and rcoks your world ( In a positive
way : )

I hope you have a great week, take care , Carly
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Unread 01-21-2009, 12:11 PM   #82
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What a great thread.
It's quite a conversation with a lot of good sense. For as difficult as it may be, Idol has been good at sharing her painful situation. Consistently asking good questions and venting constructively. And the great advice and stories of support she welcomed. You all did all right.
Good stuff here.

Jerry
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Unread 01-28-2009, 11:14 AM   #83
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SLynn:
thanks so much for all your input. It goes for all who have replied to my screams for help. Things are still smooth and even a little at ease just sitting around. I am glad to hear that it can be done w/o outside resources. I can only keep praying for his strength to keep up the good work!!!
Thanks again

Last edited by teekpdgn; 01-28-2009 at 11:17 AM.. Reason: added more
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Unread 01-28-2009, 10:14 PM   #84
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teekpdgn,

I'm happy that you're happy. Most days, that's all we can ask for.

gf and Idol,

How are you ladies doing? Any words from the ex's? It's a little too quiet for my taste......Makes me worry.

SLynn
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Unread 01-29-2009, 04:33 PM   #85
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Hi SLynn,

Thanks for checking in. It has been quiet and I wish I had more to report. I haven't heard from the 'ex' but since I chose to end communication with him, I don't expect him to reach out to me, though I wish he would (if he wants to get better).

I have days when I feel justified about letting him go. He wasn't participating in his recovery, nor the recovery of our family or relationship with our son. And in the process, he was doing hurtful things, which I couldn't allow. I feel like he left me no choice but to give up. This upsets me because I would have continued to try, if only he wanted me to, or told me to. I love him and I am so sad that he is not a part of our lives in a healthy way.

He asked me early in the relationship to let him show me who he was. When I heard his request, I thought that meant he would show me good things. Instead, I saw his pain. Over and over again, he showed me how he hurts by hurting me and making me feel it. Wave after wave came, of abuse, abandonment, deceit, betrayal, and despair. I don't suspect that he knew how familiar I already was with those emotions. I thought I handled each wave well and always kept my ground, never allowing these emotions to take me under; never allowing these emotions to sweep me away or push me away. I figured that he would eventually tire and see my love still standing firm in the end. It didn't work out that way. And I never got a chance to 'show him who I am'. Instead, he witnessed my responding constantly to his output of negativity. He didn't get to know 'me' and I'm sad about that as well. I saw beauty in him, through his shields and monsters; I wanted him to see my beauty too.

This is not the ending I wanted.

-Idol
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Unread 01-30-2009, 04:15 PM   #86
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Idol,

IMO- from what I've read in your writings he could have seen you for who you are, some one who was willing to be there, to support, to love and to help if allowed. He may have seen it but not able to accept it. You did your best.

I hope you are well and moving forward with your life and school as hard as it is...

-ColoGirl
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Unread 01-31-2009, 05:06 PM   #87
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...In the world of 'addiction' there just doesn't seem to be any room for anyone. I never had the chance to be myself or feel comfortable. I was never allowed to be carefree because threat was always looming. All the attention in the relationship was focused on him.

How is he doing? Why is he doing this? What made him this way? Is he going to get better? Is he lying? Is he cheating? Does he love us? Will he try? What does he want from me? What does he mean? Will he ever love us? Where is he now? Should I trust him?



What about me? I walk with my head down now. I have lost myself in this. There's more to me than being 'strong' and 'forgiving' and 'understanding' and 'loving' or 'angry' or 'hurt' or anything else I've been in this relationship. But those qualities have been obscured because I chose to continue to love a man who couldn't love me.

I want to feel like myself again; I want to see what others see when they look in my eyes and smile. I'm apathetic.

-Idol
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Unread 01-31-2009, 06:17 PM   #88
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Idol

I hate to see you so down. I'd like to make a couple comments and hope you don't take any offense.

Right now, it seems like your life centers around him and you spend your time obsessing about him and what he never was. You were/are in love with a toxic relationship. He is a toxic man. He has made you a toxic woman and you've let him do this, to some degree. I know how hard it is to go through this and can't imagine how it must be with a child in the mix, too.

I have a similar personality trait....I think that I can save them. If I love them enough and do enough then they'll see it.......appreciate it....then want to change. Right? I had to realize I was mourning the loss of a relationship that never truly existed and never would. I had to mourn the dream not reality. I had to mourn a man that I created in my head and forgive him for never being that man. This is what it took for me to move past it. Again, this is just me. Everyone is different and some days are harder than others.

Living this life takes quite a toll. The damage hard to un-do. But you can't give up and must find a way to push forward on your own. What other option do you have? While part of your heart had died, this is not death.

Get up......call your friends.....GET OUT........get back to life. It's your only option.

My respectful opinion.

SLynn
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Unread 01-31-2009, 07:28 PM   #89
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Hi SLynn,

I understand what you mean about this relationship being toxic and the effects it's had on me as a woman. I am participating in my life by engaging in activities and goals and healthy relationships with my friends. Still, I am processing what has happened with my ex and know that it takes time.

Honestly, I never would have continued a relationship with him if it weren't for the fact that we have a child together. But in the process, I sacrificed more than I bargained for.

This 'dream' that I fell in love with has been long gone. But here I am feeling like the 'ME' that I once knew is long gone as well. I've been so involved in taking care of other people that I look in the mirror and don't see myself anymore. This is the outcome that I never anticipated - this is the outcome that I didn't want - this is what feels so WRONG. I'm reclaiming my 'self' - This is my life and it's worth so much more.

Best,
Idol

Last edited by idolcrush; 01-31-2009 at 07:38 PM..
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Unread 02-01-2009, 08:04 AM   #90
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Good Morning, Idol

It sounds like you are trying to do all the right things. I believe your 'self' will soon follow once you get in the swing of things. The veil may lift slowly....slower than you'd like but it WILL lift.

The hurt and loss you've experienced is huge and I feel like your doing so well despite it all. Look what you've gained from this that your ex hasn't.....the face of the precious child.

You'll probably never be the person you were before because the "new you" will be even better! You'll get there!

SLynn
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Unread 02-01-2009, 12:29 PM   #91
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Thanks for your support! I believe this phase will pass and that it's a sign that I'm moving in the right direction. I'm sort of surprised at the toll this experience has had on me, my life and the lives around me. I didn't realize the time I've been giving to my ex was at my own expense. In the end I did do what I set out to do, however.

When I became pregnant, the ex went nuts and was threatening me to have an abortion, saying he would never be a part of our son's life, would never support a child he didn't want and even threatened to sue me if I ever contacted him again. I knew that keeping the pregnancy would be difficult emotionally and financially but nurturing the life of my unborn child was the ONLY thing that mattered to me and I was successful. He is my most precious gift. I thought that I owed it to my son to try and mend things with his father so that in the end, everyone could be happy. Obviously, that didn't happen, but I wake up in the morning with peace of mind knowing that I worked hard at it and even for a time, sacrificed myself to save others. I believe it's what God wanted me to do. Perhaps I made a difference in my ex's life but I certainly made a difference in my son's.

Now it's time to replenish my weary soul and find myself once again.

I'm happy today

-Idol
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Unread 02-01-2009, 11:58 PM   #92
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It makes me happy to see you posting happy! :0
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Unread 02-21-2009, 06:18 PM   #93
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Hi Idol

Long time no hear....How are you?

SLynn
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Unread 02-22-2009, 04:19 AM   #94
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Hi SLynn,

Things have been pretty good. I did well with my first set of classes, my son is doing great and my new housing situation is finally starting to feel more comfortable.

It's hard for me to describe where I'm at with my ex.

I changed my phone number after an inappropriate text from him and some abusive language. I didn't want to get caught up in the cycle anymore. He has my email and PO Box address but I haven't heard from him, nor has he sent any money to help me pay for our son's needs.

I feel like myself again and have come to realize that my ex's addiction was in control of everything. Since I've stepped away, I don't feel lost in it anymore. I'm astonished by its power and I pray that he finds the strength and courage to recover.

I still feel sad about losing him to this disease but feel a strange detachment from my love. This may sound morose, but he has been replaced by 'loss' and I cannot love the absense that is left of him.

I don't know...it's okay. Perhaps his story gets brighter some day.

Sunshine for everybody!

Thanks for checking in,
Idol
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Unread 02-27-2009, 07:30 AM   #95
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Hi Idol

Happy to hear from you. Looks like you're getting control of your new life instead of your old life controlling you.

Please keep in touch.

SLynn
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Unread 02-28-2009, 12:17 PM   #96
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Hi Idol

I have spent this am reading all of your post and I know how you feel. I keep asking myself why can't I get this that is not us it's them. But know how much I want my family back together. Iam making myself as sick as him . I sure don't need that. But we are the ones who truely loved them and wonder if they really did us. I still have my ups and down's and wonder what the hell Iam doing. But I will make it no matter what.Thanks for a great post Iam printing it out now so when Iam down I can read it.Thanks Tina
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Unread 03-01-2009, 09:13 PM   #97
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Hi Idol,

Thank you for posting and glad to read that things are turning around for you. It sounds like you have been working hard, making tough decisions that are providing some peace of mind.
You and your son deserve the best ! Hang in there : ) Carly
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Unread 03-16-2009, 01:53 PM   #98
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Hi Idol

It's been a few weeks since we've heard from you. Hope this means you're out having so much fun you don't need us. Thinking of you.

SLynn
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Unread 03-16-2009, 06:25 PM   #99
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Hi SLynn,

I started a new quarter of school and am taking on more than a full time load, which is keeping me busy. I still check in on this site every few days, I just don't post much nowadays because it's really painful to share anymore. But I know that getting it out is part of the process.

My ex was served child support docs last month and I'm waiting to see if he responded. If he doesn't then the complaint will enter as a default and will become a judgement. It's good news for me since I'm pinching pennies at this point but it made him very angry.

I contacted him a couple of weeks ago to apologize for getting mad at him the last time we texted (I lashed out at him for being a jerk). I wanted to see if he wanted to reconnect and talk about things. Admittedly I wanted to know if he was feeling any remorse and/or any desire to make ammends. He berated me and blamed me for his life being miserable. He says he kicks himself when he thinks about his life before he met me and where he is now. He's mad that he has to pay child support for the next 17 years. He said other things too but you get the idea. I told him that I was trying to make peace with him and his last response was, "move on, I met someone and we're getting married." That was weird to me because I checked his dating profile and he had logged on just the day before.

It doesn't matter to me whether he is involved with anyone else or not. I always assumed that he was. I don't like conflict and wanted to take responsibility for being mean to him in the past since I do still care about him. But he's still the same. There has been no change in his behavior. In fact it has come full circle; right back to where we were when I first got pregnant. I'm moving out of this circular dynamic, it's just taking me a while to fully give up on him.

I couldn't possibly take another initiative to talk to him at this point. So here I am continuing on like I always do. A year ago yesterday my ex met his son for the first time. It seems like a lifetime ago. It was also my birthday. Another year older and definitely more wise.

Cheers to a good year ahead.
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Unread 05-04-2009, 07:31 AM   #100
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Hi Idol

How are things with you? Still in school? How are things with the ex? Would love to hear from you.

Hope all is well.

SLynn
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