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Unread 12-11-2007, 03:02 PM   #101
ami29
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Yeah, it probably is unhealthy. I too wish I had more support. Yesterday I told my husband and sister that I am sick of being treated badly by both of them....he laughed, she rolled her eyes. So, that didn't get me very far. =)

I do have to say that last week was the least my husband has drank in a long time....yay! However, Saturday came and we went to his work Christmas party. He sat at the table and had shot after shot of tequila. I asked him to slow down, to quit, but he just gave me a dirty look and kept going. He passed out on the way home and I had to carry his drunk azz in the house. I would have left him outside, but it was -15, so I didn't figure that was such a good idea. My sister seemed annoyed with him also, but Sunday came and I had to work.....guess who was drinking when I got home? And she stood up for him and said it wasn't a big deal and I should relax. I told her it IS a big deal when he is responsible for my children, but she said that I was overreacting, that she was there for the girls the entire time. (Which she was...thank god!)

It seems that if I am not enabling him, someone else is. I am thinking this is a a losing battle no matter what I choose to do here.

Hope you all have a great day.

~~Amy~~
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Unread 12-12-2007, 11:30 AM   #102
dixie
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Amy, don't give up on him or you. I don't know a lot about the ins and outs of this disease but I can tell you from my own experience that it will cause you pain and guilt and hurt. It will cause you to stop believing in yourself and your ability to "do the right thing". The only "advice" I can offer you is to just dig your heals in and hold on with all you have if you want your husband in your life, and it sounds to me like you do.

The temptation to drink is everywhere and since nobody has actually had to live with your husband while he is drinking and ranting or lying of missing work or puking his guts out and peeing on himself, others don't get it. They aren't with him when he's angry and abusive because he's not drinking...all they see is the hilariously funny guy that maybe had a little too much to drink - they don't recognize it as the problem that it is - so they continue to enable and in some ways encourage. You just keep doing the best that you can and you stay strong in your struggle to help him win the disease.

I'm not sure exactly what your sister's agenda here is but I think you need to sit her down and tell her that she doesn't have to be a part of the process you have started to help your husband get well but she does have to stop being a part of problem and she needs to respect your desire to see him well.
I hope that she can see that your daughters are close and won't do anything to stop that relationship. We never know how others will react though..I am so sorry for your situation and I am praying for your family...D
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Unread 12-19-2007, 02:49 AM   #103
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Hey ami...just wanted to drop you a note and say hi and wish you nice thoughts...i hope things are getting better, or at least more manageable for you.

-Sarah-
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Unread 12-19-2007, 06:12 AM   #104
ami29
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Hi everyone. Hope everyone is doing well.

Things here are somewhat better. My husband is still driking, but less than he was, whichis a start. Weekends are still rough...he's pretty much drunk from Fri. night until Sunday night, but it's better than the 6 out of 7 days we were at.

Friday night he drove home drunk which really, really scares me, not to mention angers me. I told him that someday he is going to hurt or kill himself doing this or kill or injure some innocent family. He cried and begged forgiveness (again) and I am standing by him (again). The thing that pisses me off the most is that he was at my sisters and she KNEW he was drunk, but instead of being responsible and bringing him home or calling ME to come get him, she let him drive. I understand that he is 34 years old and responsible for his own actions, but I feel she should have taken his keys or at the very least called me. Then the next day she had the nerve to tell me I better have a talk with him, he shouldn't be driving drunk.

I have come to a few conclusions in the last week. First, I am NOT his mother nor am I his keeper. I am his WIFE, his partner, the mother of his children. I can not be responsible for his actions. He knows how I feel, he knows that I am not going to live like this forever. I do feel a glimmer of hope at the fact he has cut down, now if he can just quit completely!!

My 2nd conclusion is this: I am a single person and cannot fix him. I cannot change his past, I cannot predict the future, but I can stand by him here and now, in the moment we are living. If he chooses to have me by his side, I will gladl be there every step of the way through his recovery. However, if he refuses to let me walk with him, I have no choice but to walk away. I know in my heart I have given this situation 110% and am doing everything I can to make this marriage work. But he needs to do his part and be a responsible father and husband also.

Ok, sounding a little philisophical....better go to bed before I go any further. =)

Have a great day everyone!!

~~Amy~~
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Unread 12-19-2007, 03:34 PM   #105
SLynn
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Amy

I think you are showing a healthy approach to this. Releasing responsibility for the disease and your inability to control him is important for your own sanity.

I have hopes that things will work out for you. He does have options and I hope he takes them seriously.

Thanks for the update!

SLynn
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Unread 12-20-2007, 12:26 AM   #106
ami29
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Thanks, SLynn! Nice to know I am finally doing something healthy and right. =)
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Unread 12-25-2007, 02:59 AM   #107
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Merry Christmas everyone!! Hope you are all having a great time.

This weekend has been a major setback for me/us. My husband has been on a "bender" since Friday. Pretty much drunk everyday except 8 hours on Sat when he worked. Tonight he got VERY angry with me because I got out of work late and he didn't make it to the liquor store before they closed. He is out of beer and is looking at all evening and tomorrow without any beer. He is now refusing to take part in any gift opening, in fact the twins opened one present tonite from us and he left before they were done. Went to my sister's house (which has beer, by the way). I know in my last update I said I was not responsible for his actions, but I feel horrible tonite. If I had been able to get out of work 10 minutes earlier, he would have his beer and would be in a much better mood and more festive.

Ugh...listen to me...even to myself I sound pathetic. =) Any advice? I would greatly appreciate it.

Merry Christmas everyone!
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Unread 12-25-2007, 11:21 PM   #108
Sarah24
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Hey Ami,

Hope today was a little bit better for you...Your sister is married right? Does her husband say anything about the whole drinking thing, or about your husband coming over to drink? I remember you saying that you had given him a date of early January to get himself together or else you would leave...Is this something you are still considering doing, or are you thinking about extending that time period? How much do you think the twins are aware of the problem that's going on?

Gosh, Christmas sure can be hard...its one of those days where you want to have hope and enjoy yourself with your family and when people do things like this on Christmas it seems to be an extra let down...Hope things are going better for you today and that you had a nice time with your girls.

Merry Christmas,
sarah
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Unread 12-26-2007, 01:10 AM   #109
Doc
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Ami,

Can I recommend you print this and put in on your mirror, your desk, your car dash, everywhere!

My 2nd conclusion is this: I am a single person and cannot fix him. I cannot change his past, I cannot predict the future, but I can stand by him here and now, in the moment we are living. If he chooses to have me by his side, I will gladl be there every step of the way through his recovery. However, if he refuses to let me walk with him, I have no choice but to walk away. I know in my heart I have given this situation 110% and am doing everything I can to make this marriage work. But he needs to do his part and be a responsible father and husband also.

You saying and going to do the right thing. I feel blame, hate and hurt tonight for a screwed up Christmas. But knowing she went to two AA meetings means my actions helped, and are helping. But interesting is that I'm to blame still and she wants the divorce. Sober and angry, progress?

Doc
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Unread 12-26-2007, 09:30 PM   #110
SLynn
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Ami

Just wanted you to know you are in my thoughts.

With things being so miserable at home and it being Christmas, it's not unusual that you would take blame for the misery because sometimes it's just easier. It's not right, but it's the easy way out. The important thing is that you know what you were feeling is not right....or pathetic as you called it. Some days you will feel strong and driven and others will not be as focused. That's just the way it goes. I hope that you find some balance to this or a decision one way or the other.

SLynn
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Unread 12-28-2007, 06:12 AM   #111
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hey ami,

hope your week is going better...just checking in on you.

-Sarah-
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Unread 01-05-2008, 04:26 AM   #112
ami29
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Hello everyone. Had a relapse the last few days. He was doing SO well!! And now it feels like we are back at square one. Not sure what to do anymore...it feels like it's 1 step forward, 18 steps back. A little dramatic, I know...but I am feeling a bit frustrated. It's hard for me to stay positive and believe that he is truly trying to stop. Sadly, he seems his happiest when he is drinking, so maybe I am being selfish by encouraging him to quit. Hope you all have a wonderful weekend.
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Unread 01-05-2008, 01:36 PM   #113
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ami--I know how you feel all to well. My husband is the same way and I've come to the realization that he doesn't want to quit so he wont. Mine came home drunk from work yesterday. Tried to act like he wasn't and didn't have another drink when he got home, but that's not the point. He thinks the guys that work for him are his friends and will do just about anything for them. He just gave one of them an extra 400 on his check so he could pay his rent on time and then another 50 (so he had gas money) only to find this morning that they both had the money to go out and get drunk last night and then weren't going to work today. Even paid for both there lunches yesterday. And he wants to be pissed about it this morning. To me, I feel as though it's sweet justice, because they've just put him in a major jam. I know I'm being selfish by asking him to quit drinking, but I know I'm doing it for unselfish reasons. That probably doesn't make sense, but to me it does. I know he'll probably come home drunk today due to what's already happened this morning so there's no talking to him, so I'm going to continue to push with having divorce papers sent to him. I don't want to live like this anymore.
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Unread 01-05-2008, 04:55 PM   #114
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Ami, reading over all the post, isn't it funny how we all are coming to conclusions? Realizing, facing etc. etc. I suppose the forum helps us to see where we are in our relationships.

After our trust in December my vowing to not say anything to him about his drinking. So stupid of me to think that would help. Hoped he would realize that I am not causing him to drink. The result he is drinking more than ever. Also moved downstairs, told him I could not sleep in the room with him. When I close my eyes all the hurtful things he said to me kept running thu my mind, could not shut it off. Of course he doesn't remember the things that broke my heart. Haven't had sex in years so that not a issue or problem. I thought he will want to be close to me, he will not like sleeping alone.

After reading several post, it hit me he is happy as he can be, drinking when ever he wants. He doesn't want to be close to have a relationship he wants to drink and be left alone. Why do I settle for so little from life?

He is seeing someone else he doesn't love me don't think he ever did. So why can't I just tell him to leave?

Flower
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Unread 01-06-2008, 07:35 AM   #115
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I understand completely I am the same situation, I am so frustrated I don't know what to do, I love my husband but when I think of him like this I hate him, and I don't know what to do. I feel like I want him to leave
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Unread 01-06-2008, 07:39 AM   #116
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I am sorry to reply again, but this is the first time I have felt like my feelings are normal, I always felt like I was the nage and the one in the wrong but you all are making me feel like I am normal. Have any of you approached your husbands and hoe did you do it. PLEASE feel free to email me
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Unread 01-06-2008, 02:08 PM   #117
spldrtn78
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agermain..your feelings are so very normal. The alcoholic always needs to find something/someone to blame for his addiction. It makes there drinking ok for them. In there minds they don't see it as a problem. We are always the b****, nag and so forth. I've approached my husband plenty of times, as most of us here have. I would always get promise after promise that he's going to quit, but those promises have always been broken. Do you have kids? I have 3 and I didn't realize just how much they were hurting and that hurts me more then anything. Now that I have, I've said enough is enough and he is moving out, it's just a matter of when right now. Never talk to him while he's drinking and never make any threats your not willing to move forward with. It's easier said then done, been there done that. Do you have family/friends you can count on? For some of us Al-Anon meetings work for, but others feel better one on one with a Therapist. Having someone to talk to help tremendously. Hope this helps some

SLynn
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Unread 01-10-2008, 02:04 AM   #118
ami29
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I think it's time to see my counselor again. =) Feeling very frustrated. I went to the dr. the other day cuz my foot has been swollen and bothering me. I found out I have a blood clot in it, which sucks, but is minor and treatable. (Phew!) However, my husband has been less than supportive through the whole deal. Tonight, for example, he is sitting on the couch drinking and refusing to help me with the girls or housework. So very frustrating. Sometimes feels like a dead end road that I am traveling. Hope all is well with everyone!!
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Unread 01-10-2008, 02:52 AM   #119
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Ami, We always want them to love us, to care about us but all they love is the alchol. I Wonder if they don't really hate us. If we ask them for help with the childern, in my case the grand children. One night I was so mad, really needed his help with the 3 grand childern he was drunk no help at all. When we talked all he said why are you so angry with me, I always help with the grand chldern. I feel so beaten down by him, I don't even try to talk to him. He tells me, when he is sober that he loves me and why am I so cold? Don't even try to talk to him, it's alwyas the same he doesn't have a drinking problem just a cocktail, tells me he is a social drinker. But what do you do when you don't want to hurt him by telling him everyone knows he is an alcholic. So stupid when they don't care how much they hurt you. All the things said when they are drunk, that they can't remember saying the next morning. Even tells me he never said such and such it's all in my mind. I used to think it's an illness I'll stand by him. But when have stopped caring at all. Just feel nothing for him. But don't know what to do, where to go. I think it is a dead end road but how do you get off the dead end road. Any help, thoughts will be appreciated. F.
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Unread 01-10-2008, 01:36 PM   #120
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Hello again.

I, too, feel beaten down by my husband. I'm tired of fighting and argueing with him, so I've just stopped. I've also had to deal with my mother in law who truly wants to believe that her son will quit drinking, but he still has yet to do any of the things he promised her he would do. Not that I thought he would anyway. She's told me I have to stop being cold towards him, stop nagging, stop looking in his truck for alcohol and to not look for him if I can't get a hold of him. So, this crap is not just coming from my alcoholic husband,but also his mother. Yes, I have looked for him and looked in his truck...has anyone else done this? I have because I've been soooo tired of him telling me I'm crazy and I don't know what I'm talking about. Do I do it all the time....no. I did it for clarity and peace of MY MIND, not anyone elses. Yesterday, I decided that I would show up at the bar the guys have lunch...somthing I haven't done in a long time. Boys was that ever a shocker. He was sitting there with a rum and coke in front of him. I stayed the whole time they did and when his glass was empty he was asked if he wanted more pepsi...another laugh...she(the owner) never serves pop in a glass it's always in a plastic cup..funny she gave me a plastic cup when I asked for a pepsi. I figured that he would either come home sober, or drunk out of his mind. He knows I caught him so he called me later in the day and asked me if everything was ok, I didn't say a word. When he came home he was sober. This hasn't changed the way I feel and I know in my heart that I love him, but I'm not willing to let him rip it out again through more lies. Sorry for ranting again. Only we can make our own decisions, no matter how hard they may be.
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Unread 01-11-2008, 01:14 PM   #121
mefirst
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Ami,

I am brand new here. I was just looking for information on alanon and stumbled across this site...I hope you don't mind my sharing. Hopefully what I have just recently been through can be of some help.

Two months ago, I told my husband that I needed a divorce, not because I didn't love him, but to [u]save myself</u>. What I have learned through this nightmare is that is that an alcoholic will not choose work towards recovery until they make the decision to do so. Going to a counselor is extremely valuable. No one else is in the relationship with your husband, so not all people will understand. The most important thing is taking care of you (and the children). Whether or not your husband drinks has [u]nothing</u> to do with anything you have said or done. An alcoholic will continue to drink until they have hit whatever their rock bottom is. Surrounding yourself with supportive people is important.

As Jan. 31 approaches, and your fears mount, ask yourself if you really want to do this for the rest of your life. Do you want to spend the next 20-30 years 'counting' or worrying whether or not your husband is going to be sober? Is he an asset or a liability to your life? You are stronger that you think. Let him clean up the carpeting.

I know you said that you would leave, but can you ask him to leave or change the locks? Consult with a lawyer, in some states if you leave, you are abondoning property, etc. You don't necessarily want to give up any equity in your home. (By no means am I suggesting that you should remain in a dangerous situation.) Just find out what the laws are in your state.

My husband has been sober for 60 days. Every day is a step and I am not sure what will happen, but the best thing that I ever did was tell him that I needed a divorce. My next step will be to attend alanon. After reading posts here, it really shows me that those of us who are suffering spouses are not alone.

It's difficult, but listen to your head, not your heart. I am glad you found some peace in this site.
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Unread 01-11-2008, 01:56 PM   #122
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As I started reading what you wrote it was like I was writing it and right now I feel like I'm going to hyperventilate and the anxiety I feel is amazing. I don't know what to do, I don't know who to turn to. I have friends here but I don't want to involve them anymore than they already have been. They all see how much my husband drinks, that he ALWAYS drinks. My husband has drove with one of our daughters when he was drunk, twice, I was beside myself with fury. He works 3rd shift, just another excuse for him to drink. Our oldest daughter tho't she lost the keys to the car, she did end up finding them but the whole situation was too much and so he is off right now buying a 30 pack....who the heck ever had to make 30 packs! You see, he grew up with this, his mother keeps a spare 30 pack "in case they get company." When my olded daughter was 3 or 4 his mother drove with her while she was drinking, with my daughter standing on the seat next to her unrestrained. Not one of my children have ever been in her care long enough to get hurt, they do not go visit unless I am with, I can't trust anyone there and certainy not my husband. His mother becomes his drinking partner. I have come to hate her and resent her. I too am so lost and feel so darn alone. I need some help for myself. gotta run - work calls
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Unread 01-11-2008, 03:00 PM   #123
mefirst
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If you work for a large employer, they should have an employee assistance program. You can call HR or Benefits and ask anonymously. They can help you to get counseling without needing a referral. Another option is to call your primary care physician and make an appointment asap. (Don't accept that all they have is an appt. in two weeks.) Tell your Dr. what you are going through and get a referral for counseling. Check alnon in your area and see when they have a meeting. Sometimes talking to a stranger can be very helpful. Just some thoughts. I just read a book called Something More and am currently reading Eat Pray Love, about a woman who went through a divorce and her quest for finding herself.
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Unread 01-11-2008, 03:59 PM   #124
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Hi ami, and all of you who share life with an addict,

What a comfort it is to know that I'm not alone in this uphill battle! Thank you all for sharing your experiences. Living with an alcoholic is so socially isolating. It helps so much to hear from others who are riding the roller coaster of life with an alcoholic.

My husband and, I believe, most alcoholics are more than aware that what they are doing is hurting themselves and everyone around them. I feel sure that my husband feels guilty when he drinks (every day...alot), but it comes out as anger, defensiveness and dishonesty when I question him. He tells me he'll try to stop drinking, he can't, he drinks again, he feels guilty, he drinks to soothe his guilt...he stops drinking, it's too hard so he drinks...and so on and so on....

I AM beginning to understand that I can change only myself and my reactions to my husband - not him. I can't "fix" this for us by trying to make him see how wrong it is. I just need to work on figuring out now to "fix" myself and my children. So, for today, at least, I am trying to do what I need to do to be sure that the kids and I are safe and then taking care of the business of daily activities, with or without him - These days mostly without him. We ask if he wants to join us (if he's sober) and if he doesn't (because he'd rather be home - drinking) then we go and do without him - and are more relaxed because he's not frustrated that he's not home drinking. This is not my "Cinderella" image of what I thought my family life would be, but it is healthier for us than wallowing in his alcoholic world.

I have "come clean" with the kids about his drinking. I felt that they needed to be able to identify "normal" behavior and "drunk" behavior - to not question their own sense of what is right and wrong. I didn't want them to grow up feeling responsible for his "over the top" reactions. I call a spade a spade...or drunk response a drunk response. This is hard to do, but I think it is the right thing. They will ask if he's acting "that way" because he's drunk now, and I answer truthfully.

Ami, I can tell that you have strength. Believe in yourself and don't allow the "naysayers" to make you doubt what you know to be your truth. Find people who will support you and help you to do what you know in your heart of hearts to be the right thing. Your counselor, this group and Al-Anon are all great places to find the support you need.

Peace to all.
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Unread 01-14-2008, 12:11 AM   #125
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Well, we are on yet another day of drinking. He has been pretty hammered since 4. Extremely aggravating.
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Unread 01-14-2008, 01:00 AM   #126
enabler
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Quote:
quote:Originally posted by ami29

Well, I have good news! My husband has graduated from passing out on the couch to peeing behind my quilt rack in the living room! Now, keep in mind, my living room has CARPET. So, I just spent the last half hour cleaning up his pee...Meanwhile, he must have decided he was hungry cuz I smelled this lovely scent of burning food. I check in the oven and he had made himself a pizza. However, he must have decided he wasn't hungry after all, cuz he had passed out on the floor in our bedroom. Now, if I HADN'T been awake, what would have happened?

I have not had a good night's sleep in so long....even when I am in bed, I feel like I have to keep one eye open for situations just like this.

To make matters worse, as I am soaking up pee from the carpet and smelling the pizza burn, I started to laugh...not giggle, but a full belly laugh. I think I am losing it.

-Oh my gosh, I'm so happy to find another person dealing with "pee". I'm sorry for your troubles though. I'm not a drinker at all, I've never hung out with people who drink a lot. I never knew losing control of your bladder was a side effect of being extremely drunk. So you can imagine my surprise on my honey moon with my husband waking up to a soaking wet bed. I first thought it was "I was dreaming I was going to the bathroom and didn't wake up thing." But I am now aware that after throwing out a mattress because the carpet cleaner just couldn't get the urine smell out anymore, cleaning the carpet, kitchen floor, couch, and chair that it is in fact a result of over drinking. I purchased a rubber sheet for our bed and force my husband to go to bed BEFORE he passes out. Luckily he's somewhat cooperative. He's never burnt anything..just spills food on things and makes a mess in the kitchen, because he too gets the hunger bug. I'm new to this website...it is just a nice release to be able to talk about this. thank you!
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Unread 01-14-2008, 01:06 AM   #127
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Quote:
quote:Originally posted by momto2

Hi ami, and all of you who share life with an addict,

What a comfort it is to know that I'm not alone in this uphill battle! Thank you all for sharing your experiences. Living with an alcoholic is so socially isolating. It helps so much to hear from others who are riding the roller coaster of life with an alcoholic.

My husband and, I believe, most alcoholics are more than aware that what they are doing is hurting themselves and everyone around them. I feel sure that my husband feels guilty when he drinks (every day...alot), but it comes out as anger, defensiveness and dishonesty when I question him. He tells me he'll try to stop drinking, he can't, he drinks again, he feels guilty, he drinks to soothe his guilt...he stops drinking, it's too hard so he drinks...and so on and so on....

I AM beginning to understand that I can change only myself and my reactions to my husband - not him. I can't "fix" this for us by trying to make him see how wrong it is. I just need to work on figuring out now to "fix" myself and my children. So, for today, at least, I am trying to do what I need to do to be sure that the kids and I are safe and then taking care of the business of daily activities, with or without him - These days mostly without him. We ask if he wants to join us (if he's sober) and if he doesn't (because he'd rather be home - drinking) then we go and do without him - and are more relaxed because he's not frustrated that he's not home drinking. This is not my "Cinderella" image of what I thought my family life would be, but it is healthier for us than wallowing in his alcoholic world.

I have "come clean" with the kids about his drinking. I felt that they needed to be able to identify "normal" behavior and "drunk" behavior - to not question their own sense of what is right and wrong. I didn't want them to grow up feeling responsible for his "over the top" reactions. I call a spade a spade...or drunk response a drunk response. This is hard to do, but I think it is the right thing. They will ask if he's acting "that way" because he's drunk now, and I answer truthfully.

Ami, I can tell that you have strength. Believe in yourself and don't allow the "naysayers" to make you doubt what you know to be your truth. Find people who will support you and help you to do what you know in your heart of hearts to be the right thing. Your counselor, this group and Al-Anon are all great places to find the support you need.

Peace to all.








I appreciated what you said. My husband's drinking is becoming my life. We do or don't do things, go places based on how much he's drank. I don't like going out without him. I'm worried something will happen to him. Like fall down the stairs or some outlandish accident that I could only protect him from if I were home. It's such a prison sometimes. I'm trying to get over this fear. Maybe it will freak him out if I still go and do things with our friends and leave him home to his booze.
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Unread 01-14-2008, 04:32 PM   #128
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Enabler

What you are feeling is the loss of control. You are completely out of control with this disease and you are doing everything in your power to change the outcome. Just be aware that you are making a prison for yourself. He has to realize he needs to quit and make the steps. Alcohol is in control.

Think about that. How much of your life are you willing to give up to protect him from himself? (an impossible task)

SLynn
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Unread 01-15-2008, 02:20 AM   #129
ami29
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Late last night, my very drunk husband decided his pillow wasn't "firm enough" so he cut apart one of our sofa cushions to make a better pillow. Now, I thought I had seen it all, but I guess I was wrong. Tonight he had made an attempt to do some housework ( I am layed up with a torn ligament in my foot) and he got sidetracked by a bottle of vodka that I thought I had hidden. I had boughten it LAST new years for a mixed drink and hid it from him. He found it and was well plastered by the time I got home. He is now blissfully passed out. I remember my ultimatum, remember my resolve to make a better life for me and my girls. Financially, we are tapped. I can't even stretch the money for monthly bills, but he is finding plenty of money to buy case after case of beer. I am scared to leave, scared to stay.
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Unread 01-15-2008, 02:28 AM   #130
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Ami...

I'm sorry you are finding yourself in the same situation over and over again. There's not much more I can say other than I'm here if you need me.

SLynn
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Unread 01-15-2008, 04:09 AM   #131
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I know I sound crazy....my friends at work say "LEAVE!!" My head says "LEAVE!!"...My heart and sister say "STAY!!" I thank you for listening and helping...you all have wonderful advice and kind words. I think I am a wimp. =)
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Unread 01-16-2008, 12:11 AM   #132
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Hey Ami...I've not written in a while but I have been reading and thinking of and praying for all of us that use this site. I've not have much to say lately - just sort of "floating" thru the every day stuff but when I read your post just now and saw that you used the "w" word, I had to chime in. You are not a wimp! You are in a horrible situation that has no simple answer. Please don't think of yourself as week or wimpy because you can't make a decision about this. I can pretty much promise you that whatever decision you make today, you will think it was the wrong one tomorrow...my problem is not my husband - it's my son so I know the difference is huge is some ways but so similar in others - love is love. I know the confusion and the anger and the hopelessness that you feel and I hate it for you - hell, I hate it for everyone here but it's just another part of this dang disease...it will kill us all if we let it. You MUST find a way to de-stress! Recently I have not been completely focused on my son. It was hard but I had to put up some boundaries for my sanity. One boundary I established was at the bottom of the stairs - I leave my son and his problems and his sadness and his anger upstairs where he is. I just don't allow it downstairs - we don't have conversations down here and all the screaming is done up there. I don't allow thoughts of his problems and his sadness and anger in my car - I play a CD and sing - loudly - this way I'm not thinking at all. I don't allow him at my job - and I've actually been more productive and interactive there. I can't function any other way anymore. And, sometimes I feel terribly selfish for not letting him consume me (because I know he needs me) but I refuse to be sad all the time any more. It was very hard not to think about him 24/7 but the more I worked at it, the easier it became and now I'm actually ... dare I say it ... happy sometimes... I know it'll be really hard for you to find some happy things to think about and to focus on during all of this but you absolutely have to or you will get sucked down into the middle of his misery. You owe it to yourself and your kids to be happy. You may not be able to leave him physically but you do need to leave him emotionally...and, I know I'm making no sense - I have a hard time explaining it. Do you remember when you kids were little and all the experts said to ignore the bad behavior and try not to react when they tried bad words and count to 10 before you punished them? Well, this is sort of the same thing...does it make any sense? I just hate to see you so torn up and unsure of yourself. Set some boundaries - even if they are only emotional ones for you. At work, when you friends ask about him and give you advice, tell them that you just don't feel like talking about him today and change the subject to the amazing 20 lbs that Carrie Underwood lost recently or something else. Soon, instead of every conversation at work with you going to your husband, they'll begin talking to you about other things and you'll find that you have 8 wonderful hours of other stuff...it is heaven...just a tiny bit - but completely wonderful! Look for ways to set your boundaries at home - so you can have peace. You deserve it. I'm thinking of you - take care. Dixie
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Unread 01-16-2008, 03:05 AM   #133
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Dixie

What a fabulous post. You have gained so much wisdom in the months you have been here. I'm sure it's a mixed blessing.

So many stages and emotions to go through. Pain. Despairity. Holding on. Anger. Numb. Letting go.........you learn to save yourself.

It's a healthy place for you to be in.

SLynn
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Unread 01-16-2008, 03:56 AM   #134
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Dixie,
Thank you so much for your post. I feel torn sometimes, with so many people telling me what to do and where to go and how to feel. Somewhere along this journey I have lost ME and I need to figure out who I am now. The only thing I know is that I am a good mom...my twins are my life, my heart. As I sit here typing this, they are both "camped out" on their Dora beds sleeping and I think "THANK GOD!!". I am going to try some of your pointers. I like how you said I may not be able to physically leave him, but can emotionally. Perhaps if I work on that, I will eventually feel strong enough to leave physically too.

I am sooooo sorry if it seems like I am an undecisive person and waffle back and forth. I truly don't want to come off as wishy washy...I have never before felt the way I do lately. It's an amazing mess of emotions and I am so angry with myself lately for letting it get as far as it is. I still am angry with my husband, but more "resigned" to the fact that it is what it is. He obviously doesn't love me at all to choose this alcohol over me night after night.

Thanks again for the kind words and encouragement.

Ami
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Unread 01-16-2008, 04:07 AM   #135
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You are so right, Dixie...Amy, you are far from being a "wimp". We are, all of us, really, quite remarkable. We are...tight wire walkers, jugglers (maybe we should join the circus ), more supportive than most are ever expected to be and give more than anyone should be asked to give on any particular day. Still...we all can very easily think of ourselves as failing at the impossible job we take on every day. This is our own disease....the twisted thinking that comes from living with a person who is an alcoholic.

Amy, consider what you are able to accomplish in a day, living with someone who is wreaking havoc on any plans that you try to make. You work miracles every day...as small as they feel, you...we... are amazing!

Thank you, and everyone else here, for sharing from your heart. Your example is support all of us dealing with the same pain.

Peace.
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Unread 01-16-2008, 05:29 AM   #136
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Hello all. I've been reading the post here and I know just how your feeling. One day your up and the next your down. One day he's out the door, the next you can't make him leave...because we love them. UGHHHHHH If you've ever read any of my post, you will see that my emotions are all over the place too, and I ramble on and on it seems I keep saying it's a day to day process. In the past week, my husband has said he's quitting drinking because he lovvvvves his family sooo much, the next I catch him at the bar during lunch, drinking. And the lie's haven't stopped. He had a friend over for football on Sunday and he was drinking, but my husband told him he could and that it wouldn't bother him....that was short lived. My husband started pouting(literally) and kept looking at me funny. I finally walked out of the room to do laundry and he followed me downstairs. He said all he wanted to do was have a few drinks with his buddy and so on and so forth. I told him go ahead, I couldn't stop him. I know he doesn't want to stop drinking and I wasn't going to sit and watch him pouting like a child who didn't get his way. He said, well I don't want to piss you off if I have a few drinks and blah blah blah. Before I could say another word, he walked upstairs and sat down. When I came up he was still acting like a child. I went to the kitchen made him drink, put it down on the table and said there you go, now lets see how much you really truly love YOUR family and walked away. His buddy just looked at me and the looked at my husband and smiled....like there you go bud...show her who's boss, don't let her think she can tell you what you can and can't do. Needless to say no sooner did I leave the room, he was already drinking it. I know I shouldn't have made it, but I did. I was just so mad. He hasn't drank at the house since that day, but I think he maybe using coke now, and possibly smoking pot. A friend of mine opened my eyes about the coke and since then I've paid a little more attention to him and see signs he might be. I feel so lost and confused, even more so now then I have been. Sorry rambled on again..thanks for listening.
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Unread 01-16-2008, 05:52 AM   #137
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Dear Ami,

My heart goes out to you and your daughters. KNOW THIS! A person that blames others has no soul. They are dependent on you for making themselves feel better. The more they drink the more they tell you its because of you or the "situation" I live with an alcoholic. He traded one addiction for another. I called him on it about 2 months ago. We screamed and yelled and I cried alot. So to prove to me that he is not an alcoholic, he stopped drinking for a month. Well can I honestly say he did, NO! Can I trust that he was true to his word? NO Can I blame him for the way I feel about him? YES! The bottom line is an alcoholic knows what they are doing, I have been in a situation with him where he has drank so much that he pees the bed. He's 40 years old. WHAT THE HELL? I can drink a beer or 2 and walk away from it any time. He cannot. He has to have a beer or some form of alcohol daily. He has driven home from work, totally blitzed. Do you think he even cared that my mom was killed by a drunk driver at christmas time? Not in his wildest dreams. Alcoholics are selfish and nasty. They want to blame someone else for their problems, not realizing that their problem is in the bottle. He goes to church on Sunday and drinks the other days of the week. Hippocrite? Absolutely. I can't even go to church because I refuse to be seen with him. Pretty bad huh. As for anyone understanding what you are going through. Don't expect your family to because they only see one side of the situation. Keep going to counseling. Be sure to stand strong on what you say. You can make it without him. He thinks you are to blame for his drinking? Let him find out that its not you. LEAVE, take your daughters and move away from him. Get custody of them and make it part of your visitation that he must be clean and sober and no drinking while they are visiting him. Abuse comes in many forms and to be honest with you, I would rather have a beating than a person yelling things at me all the time. Enough, its time to fight back Gurley! Make goals for yourself and stick to them. If you want to leave him, then give yourself a time frame. Get an apartment, and move out. Let him know how alone he is going to be. You deserve better than that. Don't keep telling him you are going to leave and don't tell others that you are leaving, because that puts a stress on you that you don't need. Your daughters need to know that its ok to stick up for yourself and not to be intimitated by a brut. Hang in there good luck and God Bless you and your daughters.

Melissa
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Unread 01-18-2008, 03:18 AM   #138
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Ok, today is a day of sobriety, as was yesterday. However, he is being just MEAN. Does anyone else have this problem? If your significant other can't drink, are they mean to you too? If so, any words of wisdom? Or am I jsut married to a jerk?
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Unread 01-18-2008, 03:23 AM   #139
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Ami...does every kid in the world love Dora? My granddaughters can't get enough of her! Don't you love the fact that children can sit in front of Dora and Diego completely entertained and block out the entire world? We lose the ability to do that when we grow up but wouldn't it be nice to just shut everything ugly out for a while? To not have to deal with and clean up a mess that we didn't even make? It would be so easy if we lived in Doraland where every day is filled with excitement and fun and always ends with contented sigh and a smile on our lips but we don't...we live in the real world and we have to deal with reality - and sometimes reality sucks. We have no way of knowing what the days will bring and the most we can do is just make it through...and that means that you just have to do what you need to do today...tomorrow that same plan may not work - this is a day to day disease you are fighting and Momto2 is right when she said it was "our disease". I think that when we love someone with an illness we can't avoid getting smeared with nasty and unhealthy symptoms and I don't think you can write in stone today what you will do or won't do tomorrow because what makes sense right now today might not later on and yes, while you absolutely have to put your kids before everything else (and it sounds like you do), you still have to do what is right for you. The decisions you are considering are HUGE and require careful thought. I think you going back and forth with your decisions and the "waffling" and the fence-sitting are all perfectly normal (at least they are for me) and I think that when you are really ready or forced to make a big decision, you will and you have to trust that it will be the right one. I know you are tired of dealing with him and disgusted with the nastiness of it all but you are stronger than you think you are and you have to give yourself a little break - trust your instincts and do what you feel is right - one day at a time - it's our disease, too...stay strong and maybe you can watch a Dora video w/the kids tomorrow - just for fun...I'm thinking of you, D -
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Unread 01-18-2008, 01:24 PM   #140
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Ami you are sooo not alone. My husband can be a real jerk when he's not able to drink. The last 2 nights now my husband has come home so drunk he's passed out in his truck for hours. Our kids see his truck and ask why hasnt dad come inside. Before I can answer them, they answer there own question and there right. I just hold them and tell them that I love them. I tell them repeatedly that there dad loves them too, but he doesn't have control of his drinking anymore. When he finally came inside last night he just kept stearing at me. I tried to ignore him but finally asked him what his problem was. I was told he was staying out of my way, because it's what I want, and he'll just come home from work and sit in his truck until the kids and I are in bed. Then he'll come in and eat and go to sleep. I looked at him and said you will not come here one more night after work drunk out of your mind and pass out in your truck while the kids are in the house watching him. With that I went to bed. This morning he was in kiss ass mode again saying he messed up last night and he was sorry and how I deserve someone better then him. I didn't even respond. We need to take control for our kids. I don't want them to feel like this is the way life is. They deserve so much better. I watch alot of shows with my kids and it is like an escape from what's really going on around here. We laugh and play around, and seeing them smile and laugh is what matters to me. Hang in there and know you have a safe place to vent here. Lord knows I've vented enough.

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Unread 01-18-2008, 06:14 PM   #141
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Hi ami, I've read all of your posts. I'm in the same situation. I just want to say thank you for letting me know that I'm not the only one.
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Unread 01-18-2008, 10:11 PM   #142
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Hello everyone.

Dixie~ thanks for your great posts...you have no idea how much they mean to me. I took your advice and this afternoon after school,the twins and I put on jammies, covered up with Dora blankets and camped out on the couch watching Dora movies and Hannah Montana. It was great just to "veg" and to just be Mommy. I think I will have to make this a more regular occurence. T

Spldrtn78~ I too have dealt with the passed out in the truck scenario. And funny how it always turns to be OUR fault, huh? I love how they say "I am just staying out of your way, like you want." Ummmm....NO, BUDDY, what I WANT is for you to sober your butt up and realize what you are throwing away! Sometimes, I think it would be wonderful to just grab them by their shoulders and give them a good shake! Sigh....it's a vicious cycle, isn't it?

Liz~ I am glad that my posts helped you feel less alone. I, too, was amazed when I first started posting on here. It's like we are all living the same life. Please post more on here and keep reading....there are so many wonderful people who have some wonderful messages and words of wisdom. If I can help in anyway, do not hesitate to contact me.

Tonight is the start of a weekend, which means it's also the start of a drunk fest. We are supposed to go to my fathers house, but I am really, really thinking of just staying home with the twins. I know it will be a huge drunken adventure and I just do not have the energy anymore for it. I feel so drained lately...hope that's normal too. I tried telling them I would just drive down for the day Sat. and come back with the twins, but was told if I won't stay the weekend, don't bother coming. The only thing that is encouraging me to go is the twins' excitement to see Grampa and Gramma (his fiance). It is supposed to be 50 below here all weekend, so I personally think it is ridiculous that he is even expecting us to drive 3 hours to see him, but whatever.

I am sure I will post more tonite as the drunken mania starts again. Hang in there everyone. Thanks again for the wonderful messages.

Amy
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Unread 01-18-2008, 10:12 PM   #143
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By the way, I really do not intend to ramble everytime I sit down. The words just POUR out of me when I get here...hee hee. =)
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Unread 01-19-2008, 09:09 PM   #144
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hey there ami...just wanted to drop you a note and let you know i was thinking of you...hang in there. you were talking about being afraid to be perceived as wishy-washy...when i read what you write it sounds to me like you love your husband and just want everything to work out for all of you...and its really hard to accept that sometimes other people aren't as reliable as we'd like them to be, and even harder when they are the person who we are supposed to be spending the rest of our lives with. It can be a hard pill to swallow...in my opinion what you're feeling and thinking is a normal reaction....maybe its best to start out small, like wearing pjs and watching dora when you want to and relaxing and slowly little by little focusing your girls and yourself until you are really ready to do what the next step might be. just a thought...hang in there.
=Sarah-

-Sarah-
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Unread 01-20-2008, 09:59 PM   #145
ami29
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Hello everyone. Well, Friday night he drank over a 12 pack, yesterday he drank a bit less (stomach flu running around our house), and today he started drinking around 1. So, tonight he will be so incredibly sloshed I will have 3 children to take care of instead of 2. We did go to my dad's but came home early due to the flu. I feel more distanced from him everyday and I feel like my heart is breaking again. (How many times can it break?!?) I feel like I have failed, and while I know this feeling is part of the "disease", it doesn't make it any less painful. I have quit going to my counselor because it was always such a drama for him when I went. He would get so angry, as would my sister, because they were so worried I was talking about them. (Which I was..lol). The drama and interrogations after each appt. became more hassle than I thought it was worth. However, I feel the change in myself and I think I will be making an appt for as soon as I can get in.

Hope you are all having a good weekend.

Amy
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Unread 01-20-2008, 11:13 PM   #146
enabler
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Sorry I haven't read all of your posts yet, has he every thought of getting help? Does he think he has a problem? Will he not drink if you say "please don't drink today" ?
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Unread 01-21-2008, 01:08 AM   #147
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I'm so sorry, Amy. You are working so, so hard to keep it all together for everyone. On top of that, you have to worry about how your husband and sister react to YOUR therapy. I really don't want to give advice of any kind, because I am not living your life, though I am living with an alcoholic. The one thing I have learned is that I have to separate myself from HIS issues (and other people who judge my response to his issues) in order to help myself and my kids. I know, for myself, that I have built up a really stong wall that is "protecting" me from the pain that comes from working so hard. Sometimes I go to a counselor, and I try to go to regular Al-Anon meetings. The height of the wall changes every day, and I am learning to deal with that. Sometimes I am "blocked off" for months at a time...but I still have hope, as crazy as that may seem.

I hope for you, too. It's okay to keep your therapy sessions private. Your husband and sister don't need to know that you are going. That may help keep peace, for awhile. This is, after all, YOUR therapy.

Take care of yourself, and doing that will help all of you.
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Unread 01-21-2008, 04:46 AM   #148
ami29
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So, my husband locked himself in the bathroom tonite and shaved his head to the scalp...and shaved his beard very uneven...looks ridiculous. Note to self: do not leave razor in bathroom when husband is drunk.

UGH!!!
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Unread 01-21-2008, 05:23 PM   #149
lizjuggalette
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Fun,(note of sarcasm there) well i havent had to deal with that one yet. but last night my man stayed up till 5 in the mornin w/ his buddy drinkin in the basement. then he got up and fought w/me cuase his mother got on his ass about it. he says its cause we live here w/ his parents and everyones on his ass, thats his problem. but i think even if we were to move out right now, things wouldn't change, if anything i think they would get worse. but enough about me, dont quit goin to your counselor. that is YOUR release from the stress of it all. you need it to stay SANE. i need a counselor myself, but right now im focusing on geting a job. no offense, but i say screw your sister. she is of no help to your situation and from what i gather, won't be. try tellin her off and see how she reacts, i bet she'll be stunned and won't know what to say. lol. but thats just me suggusting and i probably wouldn't do it either, i'm an extremely passive person as well. I always feel like i have to please everybody. well i hope things go better with everything. I tell myself that as well everyday. as they say Tomorrow is a new day. Try to be positive.
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Unread 01-22-2008, 01:13 PM   #150
ColorMeCrazy
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Oops. I did it backwards. I left & told him I wasn't coming back until he got treatment. That's me. Bass-ackwards most of the time. [}]

Nope, no real way of supporting our kids (2 & 6). No actual "home"--thank god for my mama! Not even a car, as he chose to disable it so I couldn't leave.

Ami, honestly honey, your story could have been mine. & I've been up all night wondering if I over-reacted. I mean, he only drinks one 18 pack a day. Never mind that he's home with the kids while I work a piddly part-time job & try to help out my elderly mom and... Gee, could I minimize his drinking just a LITTLE bit more? Yeah. I wasn't sure he had a problem. Duh. At 39, you'd think I'd be a little more on the ball. Ack. The rambling here is contagious. My point was, Ami, thank you for sharing your trials because it made me realize I'm not an idiot for thinking he's got a problem. Even if he hasn't peed on the floor or killed any furniture, he's an alcoholic & his behavior is ruining my kids & THAT is unacceptable to me.

Now if I can just figure out how not to end up homeless. LOL Wish me luck!
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