Addiction Survivors

Notices

Reply
Unread 11-25-2007, 03:26 AM   #51
ami29
Member
 
Posts: 84
Default

I do have a job, I actually make more money than him. (Much more, actually). He only brings home about 1100 per month due to the child support he pays on the older girls. So, my guess is that I will be on my own once I leave. I know he won't pay a cent on the twins, I have to force him to pay on the other two. Frustrating and scary to think of me making it on my own financially. I think I will pursue it in courts if I have to...$300 a month is better than nothing, right?

I do have several friends who have offered me a place to stay if I need to, but I really hate to uproot the girls and make them sleep in a strange house. I know that's trivial, but it's going to be hard enough on them without having to stay somewhere they don't know. I will make him leave and if I have to, I will involve the police to get him out. I hate to do it since he really is a great guy...WHEN HE'S SOBER!!! I miss the man I married, the man I fell in love with. I still love him, but that part of my heart is getting more and more buried by disgust and anger everyday. He is so drunk right now...I am having a hard time even being in the same house as him. I wish my sister and his family could see him at his "finest". Sometimes I wonder if her were to beat the crap out of me if my sister and his family would finally step in and say "enough".....

Have a good night. Thanks for all the support and advice. You have no idea how much you are all helping me right now.
ami29 is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 11-25-2007, 06:39 AM   #52
ami29
Member
 
Posts: 84
Default

Well, I have good news! My husband has graduated from passing out on the couch to peeing behind my quilt rack in the living room! Now, keep in mind, my living room has CARPET. So, I just spent the last half hour cleaning up his pee...Meanwhile, he must have decided he was hungry cuz I smelled this lovely scent of burning food. I check in the oven and he had made himself a pizza. However, he must have decided he wasn't hungry after all, cuz he had passed out on the floor in our bedroom. Now, if I HADN'T been awake, what would have happened?

I have not had a good night's sleep in so long....even when I am in bed, I feel like I have to keep one eye open for situations just like this.

To make matters worse, as I am soaking up pee from the carpet and smelling the pizza burn, I started to laugh...not giggle, but a full belly laugh. I think I am losing it.

ami29 is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 11-25-2007, 11:22 AM   #53
SLynn
Moderator
 
SLynn's Avatar
 
Posts: 866
Default

This would have been the perfect time for the sister to come over and see what you are dealing with, huh? Or to have a video. I'm sorry for your mess. I guess I mean that in every sense of the word!

I think laughter is great. What else are you going to do?

SLynn
SLynn is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 11-25-2007, 11:53 AM   #54
Leenie
Junior Member
 
Posts: 24
Default

Ami,

The best thing you can do financially is to open your own account. Do not let him near the money. I had to do that years ago when he kept draining our joint account. Accordintg to my husband I am a controlling BI@$H. If I had not done this I beleive we would all be homeless.

I too have let him quilt me into staying. Keep that deadline to show him your are serious. At least my DH never peed on the carpet or burned his pizza. I am soooooooo! sorry things are getting worse for you. If things keep going the way they are I suggest leaving before your deadline date.

God Bless
Leenie is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 11-25-2007, 04:47 PM   #55
Sarah24
Member
 
Posts: 96
Default

Hi Ami,

I think that sometimes you have to just laugh at something or else you will actually go crazy. People need to find humor in things. There are some things that people do that are just so ridiculous that you can't help but laugh. And i'm sure that you, like many other people here spend plenty of time sad and worried. There was one time when i was with an ex-boyfriend (not the one that is currently causing me trouble) and he was irrately angry, screaming and carrying on like a crazy person...I turned to him and said "kevin just calm down." And he screamed "I am calm. A lot calmer than you. I define calm." And he was just so balistic waving his hands in the air as he started saying how calm he was that it struck me really funny. I just started laughing...normally i think i would have been worried and concerned...But for some reason it was really funny to me...He actually laughed a little too. Its better than crying all the time.
Sarah24 is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 11-25-2007, 05:12 PM   #56
ami29
Member
 
Posts: 84
Default

If it weren't for the holidays, I would have kicked him out today. I told him what he did last night and he laughed. (Not so funny when HE laughs!) As of right now, I am thinking of moving the date up to Jan 2nd. I want to get through Christmas and New Years. Silly, I know.

My frustration level is high today. Calm is definately NOT me!! Have a great day.
Amy
ami29 is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 11-25-2007, 05:27 PM   #57
Sarah24
Member
 
Posts: 96
Default

i'm sorry ami...i know that must be really upsetting...I think you have every right not to be calm. i can understand the feeling of wanting your family together for the holidays...there some christmases that i've not had everyone there that i wanted to be and it was hard...But there were also some relatives that i really could have done without in retrospect. I wish you luck in all of this...and i hope that you find a solution that works best for you.
Sarah24 is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 11-25-2007, 05:31 PM   #58
SLynn
Moderator
 
SLynn's Avatar
 
Posts: 866
Default

Amy

You do what you have to do. Do you think he will leave if you tell him? Are you financially prepared for that right now? Do you have a plan?

SLynn
SLynn is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 11-25-2007, 05:50 PM   #59
ami29
Member
 
Posts: 84
Default

Not a concrete plan. Financially, it will suck as I will lose about $1500 month in income.....HOWEVER, if I were to subtract the cost of beer monthly I would probably only be short about 800...ha. I have done some research and should be able to qualify for medical asst and income qualify for a lower rent townhome. I will kick him out and hang onto the house as long as I can...hopefully get it on the market and sold so that we can get that taken care of.

Any advice?
ami29 is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 11-25-2007, 05:54 PM   #60
SLynn
Moderator
 
SLynn's Avatar
 
Posts: 866
Default

Honestly, I don't know the laws of 'kicking someone out'...or if you even can. Maybe someone else who comes along will know. It may even be state specific.
SLynn is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 11-25-2007, 07:17 PM   #61
ami29
Member
 
Posts: 84
Default

Well...what can I say? I have had yet another complete surprise. My husband sent the twins over to my sister's for the afternoon. I thought he was going to stay there and help put Christmas lights up, but he came back home and said we needed to talk. He apologized for all that has been said and done by him lately. He said he understands that he is walking a fine line and admits to having a problem. He also said he is willing to do ANYTHING to keep me and the girls. He also said that he will go to counseling with me and stop drinking. I got a glimpse of the man I fell in love with. And as if I wasn't confused enough, I am even more so now. I want to stay with him, I don't want a divorce. But am I enabling him by staying and standing by him?

I want to be there for him, to support him. But am I being crazy and setting myself up for another heartbreak? At least if I stay, I will know that I gave it 110%. But, I am probably being foolish.

Any input?
ami29 is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 11-25-2007, 07:40 PM   #62
SLynn
Moderator
 
SLynn's Avatar
 
Posts: 866
Default

Oh,Amy.....back on the rollercoaster, huh.

I would say to proceed with caution. He should show signs of being active in wanting help and receiving help. Trust will take time to return and make no mistake...he will probably fall once or twice. Maybe more. BUT the show he was putting on for you was just that. A show. He has taken you seriously and you can't back down now. That does not mean he has to be out of the house, but stick to your guns. I know you love him and ultimately don't want a divorce. I think you have to know in your heart that you gave it 110%. He has to walk the walk. I wouldn't consider it enabling him if you are going to help him get help. It's not like you are driving him to the liquor store. This is just my opinion and I hope that you aren't making a mistake. I have hopes for you, I really do.

SLynn
(Edited to add: I think you should keep your plans in mind, maybe get some money in place...things like that just in case. Don't totally let down your guard.)
SLynn is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 11-26-2007, 02:57 AM   #63
Sarah24
Member
 
Posts: 96
Default

Hi Ami,
What SLynn said makes sense to me too. Its very possible that he is going to put effort forth and really try...Which is very confusing for you, seeing as that hasn't happened yet. I'm sure a part of you wants to jump for joy at such a good sign like that to come from him and then the other part is filled with dread of disappointment and let down. I know what that feels like...But i also don't have children, so i'm sure this is really weighing on your mind. I'll keep you in my thoughts Ami...i really hope that this is the start of something good for you.

-Sarah-
Sarah24 is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 11-26-2007, 04:48 AM   #64
ami29
Member
 
Posts: 84
Default

Well, so far so good. He hasn't had a thing to drink today, which is amazing. He has the shakes a bit, but other than that he's not doing too bad. He helped me decorate the house for Christmas (he hasn't done that for a few years), he helped me with laundry and he even took an hour to read to the twins. It was so cute, they kept saying "Mommy...Daddy is READING TO US!!!"

Sigh...i am sooooooooo hoping it works this time. The look on my babies' faces were priceless. I know this sounds horrible, but a good part of me is thinking that it won't, that I will end up on this emotional roller coaster again. I want to stand by him and will this time cuz he is my husband. But,this is it. It has to last longer than 2 weeks, 1 month or even a year. This has to be a lifetime commitment on his part.

I also talked with my sister today and told her how hurt I am that she doesn't support me. I told her that if it was her, I would support her 110% no matter what. I don't think it did any good, she just said that divorce is a sin (which is odd...she's not very religious) and that if I do divorce him, I am on my own. Same old, same old, but at least I spoke my mind.

Is it ok if I still come on to vent? I really like this group and you have all helped me so very much.

Have a great Monday.
ami29 is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 11-26-2007, 10:32 AM   #65
SLynn
Moderator
 
SLynn's Avatar
 
Posts: 866
Default

Amy!
Yes, you can come here to vent! That's what it's all about. Everyone's story is the same, but different, you know. I want to know what happens, too. I'm sure I'm not alone.

SLynn
SLynn is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 11-27-2007, 02:04 AM   #66
mac
Junior Member
 
Posts: 7
Default

hey amy

I hope the rest of your weekend was better. Your girls are lucky to have you. They probably know more of whats going on then you think.

I hope his family wakes up and realizes everything you have to do and put up with. Either that or they already know and thats why they push to keep you "supporting" him.

Keep hanging in there and don't lose faith. Your a good person and deserve to come through this happier than what you are right now.

-m-
mac is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 11-27-2007, 04:49 AM   #67
ami29
Member
 
Posts: 84
Default

Hey guys.

Well, yesterday was a GREAT day...today, not so great. He has drank all nite and is pretty well toasted now. He DID make some calls today to get appts set up, but I just feel.....let down. I think I expected too much. Just cuz he didn't drink yesterday doesn't mean that today should be the same I guess. I worry too much...I am so scared it isnt going to work and then I am going to be stuck. Or forced to choose..do I want my husband and sister in my life? Or do I want to be rid of this wonderful alcohol disease? Do I want my kids to have a dad in their lives, even if he is an alcoholic? Or do I uproot them to show them that alcoholism is NOT normal? I told my sister I dont' think there is anything wrong with wanting me and my kids to be happy and she said that I am being selfish. The twins are very happy with their daddy and love him very much...she said it's ME who is unhappy and looking for "greener pastures". Maybe she's right....

Hope all is well in your world!!!
ami29 is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 11-27-2007, 09:05 AM   #68
Leenie
Junior Member
 
Posts: 24
Default

Ami,

Ignore your sister and do what you need to do. You will not be alone b/c you have friends and other family to lean on.

I too have a sister (I acctually have 4 & 1 brother) and I no longer have her in my life (my choice). She has made very bad choices which are not accpetable to me. My daughter was hurt because of her husband and she chose him over fmily. I will have him arrested if he ever steps into this state again (there is a warrent for his arrest). I don't like not knowing what she is doing and how she is. But there comes a time to do the right thing. Putting my children at risk is not acceptable.

Keep venting all you want because we are here for you.
Leenie
Leenie is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 11-27-2007, 06:33 PM   #69
Fiedler
Senior Member
 
Posts: 183
Default

I have read all of your entries and know what you're going through.
It is unbelievable how so many people are going through this, none
of us know each other, yet every alcoholic exhibits the SAME
behaviors. My husband, too knows he has a problem. We had the
"talk" two weeks ago when I just could't take it anymore. But
he blamed me for it and then started grasping for anything he could
to find at fault with me. He has so many times over the years
tried to stop drinking only to start again. He has cut down
again(not stopped) and so far so good. But I know that he will
start again. But the next time he passes out in his chair or comes
in from his workshop drunk, I have to leave. My kids don't need
that example. I'm sorry you got your hopes up because unfortunately,
both of our husbands need the alchohol now. They can't help it
because they are dependent on it. I hope and pray that both of
our husbands (and all of our loved ones we vent about here) realize
what they are doing to themselves and get the help they need before
they lose their families(or, God forbid, worse!) It's okay
to feel mad and sad and everything under the sun, but I've been
trying to feel sorry for my husband too, because he is sick from
this damn alcholism. But deep down I know what I have to do if
it gets to that. So do you. Keep fighting the good fight and I
will too!

Fiedler
Fiedler is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 11-27-2007, 08:09 PM   #70
belinda115
Junior Member
 
Posts: 6
Default

Hi Ami, This is my first reply. I found this site looking for an alanon group. My husband is also a drinker. And yes the beer is more important than ANYTHING or ANYONE. My husband lost his job 3 yrs ago and hasn't worked since. I'm so sorry that your sister isn't supportive of you. But honestly she doesn't know the torture it is to watch someone you love destroy your family. I can't tell you the number of times I have had to clean out the closet becaues my husband peed in it,or the hamper or the rocker in the corner. And there is no remorse. My husband too has promised to quit. He got the shakes, and was throwing up, couldn't eat, stabbing pains - it really was a detox. After two days he couldn't take it anymore and decided we weren't worth it. Believe me I know the pain your heart felt when he decided to drink again. I could cry with you because I share the same pain. It's NOT YOUR FAULT! Keep making your plans - it's good to have a saftey net. I wish I did.
belinda115 is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 11-28-2007, 12:14 AM   #71
lfennelly
Junior Member
 
Posts: 18
Default

Amy,

Boy I read yours today and we are married to the saame man. Mine blames me for his drinking also andhe,too "falls asleep" fully clothed holding a cup of bourbon.

I don't want to give youany advice but I do want to tell you where I am. My children are now 21, 19, and 17 all boys. I first started to believe he was an alcoholic when my 19 year was a baby but things got progressively worse. Oh he acted like the perfect husband most of the time when we were in public but slowly that started to change too. By the time the kids were 6,8, and 10 they knew not to drink anything that was their dad's because it always contain liquor. I didn't realize the impact that was having untilwe were at UGA fan day and my then 10 year old ws told to share his father's coke while I sahred mine with the other two. My eldest said he couldn't because it had liquor in it. At that time it didn't because we had just purchased them on the field but that was an eye opener. Another time when one was 6 we were all driving down the road and he toldhis dad that he wasn't supposed to be drinking and driving. (he ahd learned this at school) My husband, instead of saying you're right and pouring it out yelled at me that I had obviously told him to say that and what a b**** I was. That was app. 12-15 years ago. Throughout the rest of their childhood they have repeatedly heard that I am a B**** , a liar,and a fat ass among other things. They've watched me shy away from the arguement, then to argue hours on end with him, (I thought if I showed them I stood up to him they'd treat their wives better. then to just walking away because you can't argue with a drunk. I swore I would leave as soon as he turned his abuse on them, I'd leave but it was such an insidious thing that it kind of crept up on us. I have always jumped in when he was unfair but sometimes I think the damage was already done. This all happened once they became teenagers and more opinionated. They started to disrespect him and stand up to him.

So what did I accoplish by staying and "holding our family together?"
mY children describe him as another piece of furniture,, they feel they have no real father figure in their lives and my self-esteem and probably theirs has taken an incredible beating.

Listen to Stacy and answer those questios like "what does he do besides perhaps, pay the bills? Is there really a marriage there and if so is the kind you want? I realize no marriageis perfect but ours is a mere shell of what it once was and that's putting in gracuious terms. Alcohol did this to us and it has greatly affected us all.

If I knew then what I know now, I would have left at least 10 years ago. Please know that this is just my perspective but my gosh, I've watched this dreaded disease rob me and my children of the childhood they so deserved and for that I feel like the biggest coward. They don't invited their friends over and I always wanted our house to be a place for everyone to feel safe. Thanks and good luck. You are in my prayers.
lfennelly is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 11-28-2007, 04:48 AM   #72
smjj
Junior Member
 
Posts: 11
Default

Hi there! Though I'm not in a good position to offer advice, I just wanted to say that I read your post and I'm praying for you! I'm so sorry you have to go through such things, and I just pray that you and your daughters, and your husband as well, will find happiness, health and love. God Bless You All! Stay strong and do what is best for you and your girls!
smjj is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 11-29-2007, 01:14 AM   #73
ami29
Member
 
Posts: 84
Default

Hello everyone!!

Thanks for all the posts...each one of you is so amazing.

I wish I could be posting this with wonderful news of how much my husband has changed, but unfortunately, things are same old, same old. He has drank Mon, Tues, and tonight. My father is coming to visit this weekend (oh joy) and it has already been brought to my attention that my husband and father WILL be going out and I am not to b**** about it.(Both husband and father told me this. ) So, I am not really looking forward to it. I am kind of starting to wonder what is wrong with me that my own family chooses my drunken husband over me. I must have been a naughty girl when I was little...=)

Anyway, I made an appt with my counselor for tomorrow so I can hash some of this out with her....it usually helps.

Hope you all have a great night.

Amy
ami29 is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 11-29-2007, 04:39 PM   #74
mac
Junior Member
 
Posts: 7
Default

Amy

I'm not as good with words as I would like to be. Reading your story, its scary and reassuring that it could just be me writting most of it. I have 4 childern and my husband is great - again when he's not drinking. I wish you the best. I struggle everyday with mixed emotions. I too have banked to much on the "I'll quit drinking" and then when they do its worse some how. I can't get to my computer as much as I like to. Its in the living room next to him, his beer and the tv. But its the only support I have right now too. Its horriable that there are so many of us going thru basically the same crap. At least I finally found a place where people will understand. I'm glad you did too.
Hope your day is better -
mac
mac is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 11-29-2007, 10:00 PM   #75
SLynn
Moderator
 
SLynn's Avatar
 
Posts: 866
Default

Amy

I'm sorry your outcome wasn't more positive. Talk with your counselor, I'm sure it will help. I can only imagine how dissapointed you are.

SLynn
SLynn is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 11-30-2007, 02:22 AM   #76
dixie
Senior Member
 
Posts: 176
Default

Amy, What a story...I'm so sorry for your pain. Please know that you aren't alone and that you are being thought of and prayed for...D
dixie is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 11-30-2007, 03:32 AM   #77
ami29
Member
 
Posts: 84
Default

Hey all...

My counselor appt was great. I am soooo glad I started seeing her. I feel so good about myself when I leave there. She made me sign an agreement today stating that the next time he gets physically "agressive" with me, I will call the cops. She pointed out that a weekend or night in jail could be a huge eye opener for him. I agree with the plan and did sign the agreement and somehow, my heart feels a little lighter having done it. We really talked about the whole situation with my sister and father today and she is helping me come to terms with that too. Hopefully soon I will be able to "grow up" and quit relying on this family of mine for my approval in life.

I know I have said this a lot, but each of you are so amazing. You have no idea how much your kind words and encouragment have made me feel. Thank you all.

~~Amy~~
ami29 is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 11-30-2007, 11:41 AM   #78
dixie
Senior Member
 
Posts: 176
Default

Amy, I'm thrilled to hear that your appt with the therapist was so positive. Hope your weekend is quiet...take care, Dixie
dixie is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 12-01-2007, 03:37 AM   #79
ami29
Member
 
Posts: 84
Default

Sometimes....sometimes, I really hate this life I am living.......

Hope you all have a great weekend.

~~Amy~~
ami29 is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 12-01-2007, 03:52 AM   #80
dixie
Senior Member
 
Posts: 176
Default

Amy, I know it's hard but you will make it through this! Try to keep your spirits up...call that therapist back and tell her you need to see her again. Your life is tough right now but it will get better, I've seen how tough you can be and I know that you can make it better for you and your kids. Write back and tell us how you are doing...chin up, Amy...you can do this!
dixie is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 12-01-2007, 04:35 AM   #81
supershonna
Junior Member
 
Posts: 26
Default

Hi Ami - I know you had your hopes up on his recovery. My husband quit drinking almost two years ago. I was very skeptical but was supportive because if he wanted to help himself, I was surely to support him. I really don't believe an alcoholic can quit drinking all by himself. I know there are exceptions. My husband went to 72 hours of detox and they referred him to treatment. They did an assessment and determined that he needed outpatient treatment and not inpatient. He also attended AA meetings every single night for many months and now attends 3-4 nights aweek because of friendships he has built. I knew he was serious when he went every night. He also has a great sponsor. I believe your husband needs to go through these steps to get to recovery. My husband requested detox so he was pushing to get help. Everybody has to hit their own bottom before they get help. Maybe your husband will hit that bottom once he's in jail. If not, that may be the time you decided to leave. That will ultimately be your decision. Please keep posting to vent as it definitely makes a person feel better.
supershonna is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 12-01-2007, 08:46 AM   #82
Leenie
Junior Member
 
Posts: 24
Default

Ami,

I am glad you are getting counsleing and taking her advice. It will be a very big struggle for you but once you can get past these initial steps. Remember what life was before the alcohol. You may not have the life you expected but at least it will be a safe environment for you and your girls. Please follow through with the your agreement with your therapist and call the police the next time he get physical with you. Beleive me you will feel so much better about yourself and he will see that you are very serious. Also, maybe your family will realize he has trouble drinking.

It amazes me that it takes the action of the police to validate what you have been saying all along. It also is public record and you can use that, if the time comes to divorce. I am sure you do not want him having custody of your girls. Unfortunately for you, the more documentation you have the better.

Right now concentrate on you and the girls, don't let him stop you from going on with any plans you have made. Go without him, show him he will not stop you from living your life. You might even have a better time without him.

With my drunk, I have realized that if this is how he wants to spend his life well FU** him. I have started going out without him. He spent Thanksgiving alone (his choice). He is in his I am sorry mood, we'll see how long this goes on.

Get through the holidays and stick to your plan.

Good Luck,
Leenie
Leenie is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 12-02-2007, 12:50 AM   #83
supershonna
Junior Member
 
Posts: 26
Default

Leenie is right. You need to show that your life doesn't stop. I gave my husband that ultimatum has well. I wasn't sure how I was going to do it after being so depressed but I knew what my life was prior to being with him (I didn't get together with him until I was 27). I told him that I will not be a victim (even though I already was) and that he'd be alone before I would put up with this the rest of my life. Nobody deserves that and I said he wasn't that great to have to put myself through that. You will have that strength when the time is right. Just make sure to have plans made and keep talking to your counselor. Your strength will come when you hit your bottom of putting up with this.
supershonna is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 12-02-2007, 04:39 AM   #84
ami29
Member
 
Posts: 84
Default

Hello everyone. Thanks for all the encouraging words. Now, I am going to ask for your honest input on something.

My husband swore to me a week ago that he is going to quit drinking, going to be the man I deserve, blah blah blah.....That lasted a whole day. I am to the point that I just don't know if anything he does will be enough to salvage our marriage. I loved him so much at one time...and still do love him if I look far enough below the hurt and anger. But....I don't know if I am staying with him out of fear of being alone (no husband, no sister, no family) or because I love him. IF I leave him, I am abondoning him. IF I stay, I am enabling him. IF I leave him, I lose my family. IF I stay, I lose me. IF I stay, I put myself at risk for more hurt and pain. IF I stay, I show my children that I am not worth their respect, however,IF I leave, I hurt them by tearing apart my family.....

My sister said the other day that it is "unfair" to leave because I am unhappy, that it's not fair to my husband and kids. (and her, of course) How am I supposed to make this decision when no matter what I decide, I am going to ruin someone? Am I a horrible wife for even considering leaving after I said I would stand by him? Am I a big wimp for being afraid of leaving? And am I completely losing my mind here? You all have to think I am looney! =)

Any and all input will be greatly appreciated. Thanks!!
ami29 is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 12-02-2007, 11:13 AM   #85
Leenie
Junior Member
 
Posts: 24
Default

Ami,

No!!!!!!!!!! you are not horrible. You make the decision b/c of the girls and yourself. Your sister is not in your situation and can not possibly understand.

Keep going to counseling. I started to write a journal at a therapists suggestion. I blog which is an online journal and have found support where I never thought I had it. My brother was very blunt and my sister-in-law even answered which really suprised me. You can go read it if you want (http://emac.blogtoolkit.com). We are starting to communicate after years of seperation. I isolated myself and did not let them know to the full extent of all that was happening in my life. Don't do this to yourself or girls.

Talk to an attorney to see where you legally stand. Don't let this go on b/c your girls will suffer. I know my kids did. Thsy are grown now but have told me how dad embarassed them in front of their friends.

Stay with your plans and you life will turn around.

Good Luck and God Bless
Leenie
Leenie is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 12-03-2007, 05:23 PM   #86
SLynn
Moderator
 
SLynn's Avatar
 
Posts: 866
Default

Ami

You should stand by your husband if he is activly trying to work on his issue. If that is not the case, then he leaves you no choice. You sacrifice yourself and your children by staying. It may seem like you are keeping the family together but you are keeping them in an unhealthy home. If he is not going to look out for you and the kids, then you must.

He is sick. Alcoholism is a disease. He has to want help and work hard at getting well. If you stay after all that has happened, you are telling him in essence that it's ok. Again, this is your family and you have to make your choices. Seems to me you loose much more by staying with him. Just an outsiders opinion. Only you can make the decision.

There are many ways to get help. Family doctor, counselor, psychiatrist, rehab, medications.....lots of options. It's his decision.

SLynn
SLynn is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 12-04-2007, 04:20 AM   #87
Sarah24
Member
 
Posts: 96
Default

Everytime I read about what your sister says to you I really feel for you because it must just make you feel worse...It would make me question everything. Its hard when its your own family that is lacking in support...Do what's best for you and your daughters...there's not much else you can do...that's all you have control over. Have you thought about writing your sister a letter? Do you think she just does get it, or that she's in denial? Hope you have a better day tomorrow.
Sarah24 is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 12-05-2007, 12:06 AM   #88
ami29
Member
 
Posts: 84
Default

Hey all.

Very discouraging day. While he hasn't started drinking (as of yet) he is extremely irritable and screams at the kids and me for every little thing. He got pretty hammered the last 5 nights, so tonight he is out of alcohol. He is VERY angry with me because I won't go get him any beer and won't give him any money to go get some. He had $75 on Thursday and spent it ALL on booze...Not very encouraging.

I have no idea what to do anymore. I am taking it one day at a time, hoping he wakes up, hoping my sister wakes up, and hoping I am not hurting my children in the meantime. I approached the subject with him of taking a "break" to sort through some things...but he is refusing to leave at this point. He actually thinks I have a guy in the wings, LOL! Lord, ONE man is enough for me!!! I did check into renting an apartment or townhome, but neither have vacancies for at least a month. So...for now, I am stuck.

~Amy~
ami29 is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 12-05-2007, 01:03 AM   #89
Sarah24
Member
 
Posts: 96
Default

Hey Amy...Sometimes i get in a mood and like to look up poems, which i was doing right before i just read your post...I found the one below and i saved it in my little collection i'm acquiring on my computer... thought maybe you might like to see it.

Don't Quit

When things go wrong as they sometimes will;
When the road you're trudging seems all uphill;
When the funds are low, and the debts are high;
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh;
When care is pressing you down a bit
Rest if you must, but don't you quit.

Success is failure turned inside out;
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt;
And you can never tell how close you are;
It may be near when it seems afar.
So, stick to the fight when you're hardest hit -
It's when things go wrong that you mustn't quit.
Sarah24 is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 12-05-2007, 12:43 PM   #90
Fiedler
Senior Member
 
Posts: 183
Default

Hi Ami -
I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I do have a question, since I haven't read through all the postings, but is it possible
that he could hurt you or the kids? Are you afraid he might? If
you think he might eventually hurt you or the kids, you need to
consult the police to see what your options are AND consult an
attorney too. I know you feel obligated to stay and feel
responsible to help him, but there is a point where you need to
take care of yourself. You can't make him do the right thing.
I know it's easier said than done because I struggle with what
to do about my husband. He has been a drinker for years and is
so likeable when he's been drinking, yet seems to be in a bad mood
when he's not drinking. I think I may have fallen in love with
the drunk him! I also feel like leaving, but my kids would
be crushed and I don't know if I could handle the fallout. My
husband doesn't lash out like yours does though. It's so easy
to tell someone else what to do yet when it comes one's own problems,
we all struggle to decide what's best! Isn't it the way it is?
Anyway, I know your sister isn't helpful, but there are resources
in the community to help you if you get to that point. Good luck.

Fiedler
Fiedler is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 12-06-2007, 02:01 AM   #91
ami29
Member
 
Posts: 84
Default

Sarah- Love the poem, thank you. Words to live by

Fiedler- Man, we are in the same boat, huh? I too worry about the fall out. I don't worry about him hurting the children, as in beating them. I do worry that some night he may be home alone with them and take them in the car after he drinks, but at this point I don't even leave him alone with them anymore in the evenings or on weekends. He has lashed out at me physically, but nothing too major. It hasn't happened for awhile and hopefully will not happen again. I don't know what advice I can give you as I am in a similar situation, but if you ever need to talk, I am here.

Have a good night everyone.

~~Amy~~
ami29 is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 12-06-2007, 05:14 PM   #92
Fiedler
Senior Member
 
Posts: 183
Default

I'm afraid to leave my husband alone with them too, but during the
day it isn't a problem. I don't know if you read my original posting
or not, but what happened (quick version), is that we were camping
in the Adirondacks - middle of nowhere- and I left him with the boys
so I could go to church. When I came back it was dark out and he
was sitting passed out in front of the campfire with our 6year old
and 2year old boy unattended. Thank God they were sitting right
beside their father. If they had tried to walk to the bathroom
or walk anywhere, who knows what would have happened. I almost felt
like leaving him right then and there.

I feel for you and pray we both do what is right for the kids.
Fiedler is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 12-06-2007, 05:14 PM   #93
spldrtn78
Member
 
Posts: 37
Default

Please, Please.....tell yourself these words over and over again...THIS IS NOT MY FAULT..You do not have anything wrong with you. He has a drinking problem and there isn't anything you can do about it. I've said those words to myself hundreds of times. We are there escape goats from what is truly bothering them. Mine has an excuse for everything and almost always I'm the culprit of it. I deal with this same thing with my husbands family, some supportive, some not. Some of his family will say, yes he has a problem, but then when they are together, they drink with him. I have family members that laugh when I say my husband gets drunk and pee's in the bed,on himself, on the furniture-when he passes out. He always try's to cover it up when he does it too. I'm glad that I've found this site and have realized that I'm not the only one going through this. I will keep everyone here in my thoughts and prayers.

SLynn
Quote:
quote:Originally posted by ami29

Hello everyone!!

Thanks for all the posts...each one of you is so amazing.

I wish I could be posting this with wonderful news of how much my husband has changed, but unfortunately, things are same old, same old. He has drank Mon, Tues, and tonight. My father is coming to visit this weekend (oh joy) and it has already been brought to my attention that my husband and father WILL be going out and I am not to b**** about it.(Both husband and father told me this. ) So, I am not really looking forward to it. I am kind of starting to wonder what is wrong with me that my own family chooses my drunken husband over me. I must have been a naughty girl when I was little...=)

Anyway, I made an appt with my counselor for tomorrow so I can hash some of this out with her....it usually helps.

Hope you all have a great night.

Amy
spldrtn78 is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 12-06-2007, 05:36 PM   #94
ami29
Member
 
Posts: 84
Default

Last night was an alocohol-free night too....woooohooo! However, if anything, he treated me worse. He sees me as the reason that he can't drink, like I'm keeping him from his best friend. Maybe I am. The way I see it, he's destroyed this family so much already, emotionally and financially. I have to put my foot down somewhere. Maybe I shouldn't be refusing to give him $$ for beer. But at this point, I feel I would be enabling him if I were to give in. This morning he took some $$ for gas, but said it was only $20. When I looked, $40 is missing, so I am sure that he will be buying beer tonite. Sometimes I feel like I am dealing with a rebellious teenager here.

Yesterday the twins were sick and I had an important meeting at work, so he had to stay home with them. I wasn't worried about it because I knew he didn't have any beer. I talked with the girls last night as I was tucking them in and found out that he had yelled at them a lot during the day and "wasn't nice". This angers me to no end. They are innocent in this situation and he is taking this out on them. I feel so bad for my girls. However, this time I can't blame his behavior on alcohol because he wasn't drunk. So, maybe I am using his alcohol as a scape goat. I have no idea.

Have a great day.

~~Amy~~
ami29 is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 12-06-2007, 05:44 PM   #95
Fiedler
Senior Member
 
Posts: 183
Default

Hi AMi-

OH I would be mad too! The thing is, that is how my husband is when
he doesn't drink too - MOODY. I know I'm an outsider, but maybe it's time you leave with the girls and show him what it's like without all of you. If he still drinks and doesn't try to get you back - then you'll know you did the right thing. I know it's easier said than done and it's easy to say when you're writing it down on the computer, but know that we all know how you feel.
Fiedler is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 12-06-2007, 06:47 PM   #96
ami29
Member
 
Posts: 84
Default

I am glad that my husband isn't the only one who is moody without his alcohol. I was starting to think that he just hates me that much. Funny how alcohol effects us even when he isn't drinking.

I wish I had the courage to leave, but I don't. I am so afraid of not having any support from my sister. She is so important to me, my only family left, really. And her daughter is my daughters' age and they are best buddies. It would kill me to break their hearts more by having her remove her daughter from their lives.

I'm a big wimp, I know. =)
ami29 is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 12-06-2007, 06:56 PM   #97
Fiedler
Senior Member
 
Posts: 183
Default

You are not a wimp! You want what's best for your family. That's what makes this whole situation so difficult. We have choices, yet
we have no choices. You know what I mean? As far as your sister
is concerned, maybe she would be more sympathetic of your situation if
she stopped by for a visit and saw things for herself. She should be
ashamed of herself for making you feel guilty over wanting to leave
your husband. It's not like you just woke up one day and thought, "Gee, I think I'll leave my husband today." If she withholds
her daughter from your daughter because of this, then she in essence
is a horrible person. I know you love her and are close but she is
putting her perfect life and thinking yours is perfect or could be
if you tried harder. That is just plain wrong. There's gotta be a way for you to convince her how bad it is. Video tape him when he is passed out or something. Hang in there and I don't know if you are a religious person or not, but I am seriously considering talking to the
priest who performed our marriage ceremony and see what kind of advice he gives. It helps if a man of God helps you because it's like
God is helping you through the priest. Talk later.

Fiedler
Fiedler is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 12-06-2007, 09:47 PM   #98
Leenie
Junior Member
 
Posts: 24
Default

Ami,

I agree with fielder. If your sister withholds her daughter let her. I have a feeling her daughter will make her life miserable. It is one thing for her to make her decision but making the decision for her daughter will back fire, because she will not understand why her mother is behaving like this. I to have a duaghter, all grown up Thank God, but when she was younger and she had a fight with one of her friends, she drove me crazy. I was turning cartwheels when they would make up.

You will get through this. We will be here to support you even if your sister won't. Talk to your priest and let him guide you.

My prayers are with you.
Leenie is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 12-08-2007, 04:12 AM   #99
Sarah24
Member
 
Posts: 96
Default

Did your sister actually say that she would keep the girls apart, or is it a fear that you have? It sounds like she is really not understanding how negative this situation is for you...Do you have any friends you can talk to and confide in about this...would they be there for you?
Sarah24 is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 12-10-2007, 04:22 PM   #100
SLynn
Moderator
 
SLynn's Avatar
 
Posts: 866
Default

Ami

It seems your sister has just as strong of a hold over you as your husband does. Both seem a little unhealthy, IMO. I'm sorry you don't have more support from her and wish she weren't so selfish. Perhaps she will see the light.

SLynn
SLynn is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off




All times are GMT -4. The time now is 12:24 PM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2019, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
© 2014 Addiction Survivors