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Unread 09-22-2010, 06:59 PM   #1
Silverton
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My husband gets very drunk every 3 or 4 weeks. He has always done it at night when the kids are already in bed. But this last time he started in the afternoon. I left with the kids and came back later hoping he would be better. But he really damaged a lot of things in the house and threatened to kill himself and then pointed a knife at me. He really hurt me, held me down, banged me against a wall etc, but did not strike me. The kids were all in the house. I feel really terrible about this. But he says he cannot get through this without me. I just don't know if this is more traumatic than breaking up the family. He is a pretty good dad when he isn't drinking, and doesn't hurt the kids. But he does lose his temper easily if he has drunk, and he cut my sons hair when he was drunk. He is a nice person usually when not drinking. Is this really bad? I have no one to talk to about this.
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Unread 09-22-2010, 09:46 PM   #2
Saint
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Yes his behavior is bad. It's called assault. 'Good' people don't treat people they care for in the manner you described. You are a victim of domestic abuse. You need to take action before the violence occurs again, for it will. Contact a women's shelter. They should be able to assist you. When / if he gets violent, makes threats, contact the police as soon as possible. You and your children deserve better.

Regards
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Unread 09-23-2010, 03:52 PM   #3
CarlyO
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Dear Silverton,

Is this post you want deleted? Just curious.
Your husband needs help. It sounds like you are rationalizing his behavior, I understand you may love the man when he does not drink, but he could be a ticking time bomb and alcohol misuse is a progressive disease if left untreated.
Please keep your children and yourself SAFE - you never know - tragedies happen not to mention the effect this has the children.
As Saint said - keep the number for a domestic violence shelter with you at all times. I have worked with them in the past and they are on call 24/7 -will come Pick you and the kids up anytime/anywhere and the children can remain in their schools that they currently attend so as not to disrupt their education. The goal is to keep you/kids safe, help you and your children via counseling and other supportive services, help you secure housing, employment.

We are here for you, not judging at all- but imo you need to keep your family safe until he is willing to get help- until then keep that emergency number with you and/or call the police when it happens again.

Take care, Carly
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Last edited by CarlyO; 09-23-2010 at 03:54 PM.. Reason: added info
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Unread 09-23-2010, 05:17 PM   #4
1418
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Hello,

First off I would like to express how sorry I am that you and your children are going through all of this. Alcoholism is really tough to deal with and it impacts everyone in the house - including kids. When you throw violence into the mix, it is such a dangerous and volitile situation...

You asked if your kids are being impacted by all of this. The answer is yes and the impact is not positive. HOWEVER - you can take action to teach yourself AND your kids how to get through this without losing your sanity and while maintaining your own self esteem.

We all have choices. The drunk chooses to drink. The drunk can also choose to seek help. You are in a very scary situation as well as your kids. Please, on behalf of your kids, please make the choice to seek education and assistance to deal with all of this. You are in the middle of a tornado, but you likely don't even know how bad it really is. Drunks are very good at manipulating whatever they need to - because it is all about them and their drinking.

It is only a matter of time before he gets violent with the kids, imo. It is your job as a parent to keep them safe. Please - seek help for your kids. At a minimum, please let the school counselors know what is going on so they can help your kids.

Please post an update. I am really worried about you.
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Unread 09-23-2010, 08:53 PM   #5
Silverton
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Thanks for the replies...just trying to decide whether or not to give this another try. He left for a couple of days because he needed to rest. He decided to come back today- I'm nervouse about posting here because he often finds out what I've been doing on the
Internet even if I clear the history.
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Unread 09-24-2010, 01:54 AM   #6
Magda
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Silverton-
Welcome to the community! You sound very afraid and that is not a good thing! Does he inspect everything you do? Is he overly jealous and possessive? Is this a normal thing for him to leave to get rest? Many questions=red flags=warnings!
You were right in reaching out for help. When you isolate yourself you are a victim without a way to gain the education and support you need to empower yourself. Married or not- nobody has a right to put their hands on you or your children, and being drunk is no exception. If you think staying with someone in this condition is less traumatic than separation-think again. Statistics show that the psychological damage to all involved in this type of situation is far more elevated when you stay than if you leave and start over. No, I am not telling you to leave your marriage. I am offering a suggestion that you stand up for yourself and your kids and do not accept this type of treatment because if it happens once- it certainly will happen again, more frequently, more severe!!!! You have to set boundaries, get emotional support in your area, and educate yourself on codependency and alcoholism. No amount of devotion or love will make him well-only he can do the things necessary to change the situation. Don't buy in to the guilt- it is a symptom of the disease!
Please keep coming back and acquaint yourself with the educational material on this site- knowing is half the battle. Take care and know that you are not alone!
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Important disclaimer: Any information in this post is not and does not constitute medical advice under any circumstances. Addiction Survivors, Inc. does not warranty or guarantee the accurateness, completeness, adequacy or currency of the information contained in or linked to the Site. Your use of information on the Site or materials linked to the Site is entirely at your own risk. NEVER take any online advice over that of a qualified healthcare provider. Any information contained on AddictionSurvivors.org should only serve to inspire further investigation with credible, verifiable references sources such as your physician or therapist.
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Unread 09-26-2010, 09:55 PM   #7
Silverton
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Thanks Magda and others, Is leaving to get rest a sign of something? Right now everything is pretty calm. I'm just trying to figure things out. I'm pretty confused right now. I appreciate everyones helpful comments, I really do.
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Unread 09-27-2010, 02:07 AM   #8
Magda
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It could be any number of things- if you read some of the threads here, you will see other problem drinkers leave their homes as well. For some- it gives them the opportunity to keep drinking without consequence or the drinker will feel less pressure to stay sober. Without someone to watch over them, they are left to their own devices.
It is normal for you to be confused. If you have time, do yourself a favor and look up this book, "Codependent No More" by Melodie Beattie. I think it would really benefit you!
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Important disclaimer: Any information in this post is not and does not constitute medical advice under any circumstances. Addiction Survivors, Inc. does not warranty or guarantee the accurateness, completeness, adequacy or currency of the information contained in or linked to the Site. Your use of information on the Site or materials linked to the Site is entirely at your own risk. NEVER take any online advice over that of a qualified healthcare provider. Any information contained on AddictionSurvivors.org should only serve to inspire further investigation with credible, verifiable references sources such as your physician or therapist.
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Unread 11-03-2010, 02:55 AM   #9
CASEY
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Hi Siverton,

Wecome to this site , I really think it will help you w/your many problem's.

First of all- ANY VIOLENCE ON EITHER SIDE IS , is very wrong and of course he will apolize to you, you are stuck not only w/an Alcoholc, also a DOMESTIC VIOLENCE.

I do not seperate physical from verbal - they are both " ABUSE IN THE EXTREME!!"
You know deep down what you have to do ??
Are you afraid of being alone? Do you truly understand how this is truly ruining there childhood ?? Do not think they don't know , and you have to stop this, before it become's something they think they derserve or can do - After All , your taking it!!

I have a Family member who called of her wedding for a year , so her soon-to-be!
Everyone told me that I was wrong - when I said he has never stopped drinking and
he ended up going oversea's for what HE called a Business ( I said it was BULL-ST.)
Everyone said you have to understand he has a problem.
I said with the way all of you are talking , you only want to believe " What you Want!
Sadly I was right and when my relative told me he was cheating with a Woman in
China, They wanted to know " WHY DOES THIS NOT SURPRISE YOU!! i said I told all of you that this is not his first and only time. Something inside me , nagged at me about him, I just truly dis-liked this man. ( my Nana , alway's called me an old soul mixed with some Witch power's , scary because whenever I have a bad feeling , I do try to
tell, but my Cousin said he is fine. I said calling everyone to tell them that - you both said are taking an Extra year. I said that should have been your clue.
She would get mad at me and I said " Why don't you direct that anger at him! "
And please don't blame the woman , she did not make a promise to you , he did and from day one , he broke all his promise's .
Now my cousin finally called a Lawyer this past summer of 07', she has to sell a house
she truly thought she would grow old in it. She has to sell it for less than it was worth.
This jerk, breaking all the promise's he made to her . And was left to (2) small children.
She was so sadly desperate to get married - she thought she was getting to old.
I asked her something; Would you have rather waited , and really find someone who love's you .
She has gone through HE#@ !!
You have a obligation to take care of your Children, they did not ask for any of this , and they don't need to grow up not trusting anyone , as they are learning from you & that this is accceptable! - YES - THEY KNOW MORE THAN YOU THINK !! And it is changing
the way they will be as adult's.
TAKE CARE OF YOU AND THEM.
You say he goes day's without a drink ( I highly doubt that! ) !
You are going through what is called the : HONYMOON SEASON FOR BOTH OF HIS
PROBLEM'S .
Not only those 2-horrible thing's , you have a man spying on you.
I would bet he is doing that to see if you are leaving him.
I would rather be " HAPPY ALONE", than miserable & afraid.
You deserve to have someone who will love you and in no way hurt you!
He may not chang and there is a very good chance he won't Of course he is going to say " Your all I have or You know I love you ! " And when you don't agree, that is when he feel's he is losing you.
You cannot fix him - BUT YOU CAN CHANGE YOU !!
Are you waiting for a chair to hit you? Please seek help for " YOU & YOUR CHIDREN!"!
They will need their own Therapist , because there is alot I am sure they are afraid to say in front of you.

Let him make his threat's and by all mean's , call the police and do this , so the police -
officer's will know.

You truly need to take care " OF YOU & YOUR CHILDREN " , AND LET HIM WORRY ABOUT HIM, But I do not think he has stopped drinking.
Alcoholic's & Abuser's, alway's try to use guilt to keep the person there.
Don't believe if he say's ; It is because of the alcohol, BECAUSE IT IS NOT!
Be prepared for all the excuse's , but I truly believe he will use all he can to make you feel like it is because of you. " YOU KNOW THE TRUTH !!
He will use everything he can to hurt you and you need to take care of " Y O U & YOUR,
YOUR CHILDREN !
i have heard so many time's ; well I will stick with Wine! " PLEASE REMEMBER HE NEED'S DE-TOX AND TO GET HIMSELF-YOU MAKING HIM WILL NEVER WORK:" And if it is wine or any form of alcohol - he can never have it again. When he say's he can handle a drink ( it is never the first drink , is the the 12 after.
He need's to look deep inside himselve and you have put up with enough already!
You have to believe in you , and what these addicted people will do
will either Kill themselve's or there partner.
In my OWN WORD'S = LET YOU AND YOUR CHILDREN HAVE THE LIFE YOU
ALL DESERVE TO HAVE.
Until he can prove himself , that he does not to drink or throw or hit if he has not already. ( which I have a feeling he has.

PLEASE TAKE - CARE AND KEEP US POSTED - WE DO CARE!!!!
" AND ALWAY'S REMEMBER " YOU MATTER , KEEP SAYING IT AND BELIEVE ME YOU WILL REALIZE HOW MUCH MORE YOU & YOUR CHILDREN DESERVE.

BEST OF LUCKM,
CASEY
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Unread 11-03-2010, 12:34 PM   #10
CASEY
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Silverton,

I really don't want to come at you as an un-caring person, you are not!!!

But right now " HE IS WAY TO TOXIC, AND IT DOES CATCH ON.

I TRULY WISH YOU THE BEST!

PLEASE KEEP IN TOUCH WITH ALS OF US!! WE DO CARE

STAY SAFE & STRONG!

CASEY
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