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Unread 05-08-2009, 09:26 PM   #101
idolcrush
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Hi SLynn,

Things are going good. I am doing well with my classes and beginning a new quarter next week. I should be starting work in about a month for an orthopedic surgeon who is incorporating a legal department into his practice to help him in providing national expert witness testimony. It should be a lot of fun and a great challenge.

I haven't heard from the ex but as you know from my last post, he is suppose to be getting married, so I don't expect to hear from him again. He isn't paying child support still but it should be about another month before the defaulted papers become a judgment. He is hiding his income and I'll be honest, I'm surprised about that. He has no boundaries when it comes to how he treats us, it seems.

Also, I still don't understand why he would be moving on with another woman when I was willing to stand by him and help in his recovery; willing to be his friend; willing to grow with him and find peace in this situation for our son, for our family. I suspect it is the woman he was living with when I was pregnant, and his ex girlfriend (before I met him). I don't know what he sees in her. He never regarded her as anyone special but I suppose that was just another lie.

I'm doing my best not to fill my loss with outside sources. Instead I'm going through it day by day and just living through whatever process I'm in. Some days I have energy and momentum to get things done, and others I feel my loss and allow myself the space to grieve.

I still don't know what the future holds but I improve on something every day and for now, that has to be enough. I made the Dean's List at school, my kids are thriving, and there is light in my heart that will continue to shine.

-Idol
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Unread 05-09-2009, 08:11 AM   #102
SLynn
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Idol

It's great to hear from you. I wish you had a happier ending to this story but sometimes it is what it is.....

I'm impressed with your ability to know what you are feeling, why you are feeling it, what you should do about it....and then writing it out for all of us to see. It's quite a gift. Seeing the emotions processed rather than just reacted to is a refreshing experience we can all learn from. I'm sure it doesn't make your heart hurt any less.

Sounds like you're building quite a nice life for you and the kids. Congrat's on the job and doing so well in school. Seeing you thrive is delicious.

SLynn
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Unread 05-09-2009, 09:57 AM   #103
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Hi Idol,

I know it's been a long time, but it's been good to read your journey since the first time I came across your thread.

Congratulations on your achievements at school! It's great that not only are you moving on in your life, you're truly moving forward.

Something struck me about your post:
Quote:
Also, I still don't understand why he would be moving on with another woman when I was willing to stand by him and help in his recovery; willing to be his friend; willing to grow with him and find peace in this situation for our son, for our family.
My thought, for what it's worth, is that he just doesn't want your help. In order for him to accept your support and willingness to "help in his recovery," he'd have to admit that he has a problem. He'd have to be accountable, not only about his addiction, but to you as well. He could be so mired in denial that he'd rather carry on "as is" with someone who may very well be enabling him, than to face his demons. He could be feeling a lot of shame about the fact that someone sees him as needing help. In normal situations, even the best of us can struggle with accepting or asking for help, so I can only imagine how people with addiction feel. I think they hear criticism in our concerns. And I think it's harder for men who've been "programmed" to be "in control" to admit that they are powerless in the face of their addiction.

In short: none of that is any reflection on you or even on his feelings for you and his son. It's a reflection of the disease. And while we would feel sorry for anyone who is ill and suffering, alcoholics see our pity and attempts to help as either character assassination or an attempt to control them. It's a vicious circle.

Idol, I know you loved him, and I know that you grieve for the father that he can't be toward your son. That will heal in time. In the meantime, carry on with life. Ride the wave of your successes and live for your future.

And Happy Mother's Day

gf67
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Unread 05-12-2009, 09:02 PM   #104
idolcrush
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Hello friends,

Thank you for your continued support and insight.

Gf67 and SLynn, I wish we could all hang out and go to the spa or something. This has been an unforgettable, life transforming experience and it has meant so much to me to have your friendship during this time.

Girlfriend, without excluding the others, you have shared amazing wisdom with me and seem to know the right things to say, every time. It's so hard to put to words, especially typed, how I feel or to communicate what I'm needing. Gf, thank you, thank you, thank you. You have an amazing talent for understanding and communicating about these complex situations.

And SLynn, your continued effort to check in and gently present your support has brought me great comfort. Sometimes it feels like I am alone in this but this site has been a great gift.

I just wanted to express my gratitude

..and to the last two posts I say, yes, Yes, YES!!
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Unread 05-13-2009, 12:43 AM   #105
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Idol,

Thank you in return.

You see, in reading and responding to your situation, I'm "forced" to reckon with my own situation. When I think about the response, write it out, and then read it over again, it boomerangs back to me.

And sometimes, like today, when I feel like I'm at a standstill or like I can't figure out how to help myself, it's empowering to hear that I've helped someone else, so thank you for your expression of gratitude.

I just wish I could heed my own "wisdom" more often and apply it to myself!

gf67
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Unread 05-13-2009, 09:57 AM   #106
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Idol

Ahhh....yes...a spa day would be excellent! When should we schedule it for? Make it an early time so we have time to chit-chat between fruit, cheese and a nice Swedish massage!

It's been a pleasure talking with both of you ladies. Every post here is a potential learning experience and I know I've learned from each of you.

Just as gf67 said, it's nice to know that we've helped others.

I thank you for your thank you!

SLynn
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Last edited by SLynn; 05-13-2009 at 10:09 AM..
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Unread 06-29-2009, 07:42 PM   #107
SLynn
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Hi Idol

What's been going on?

SLynn
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Unread 08-29-2009, 01:56 AM   #108
idolcrush
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Hi All,

I haven't written in a while but I've still been checking in on how everyone is doing. Things are good on my end. I'm maintaining a 4.0 with school and am interning at a law firm that I really like. My kids are well and growing so fast.

The Ex has contacted me a couple of times; once to schedule a visit and a month later, asking for a picture of our son. I told him he could come but he never responded and I sent him the pic as he requested. I don't know what's going on with him or why he makes these feeble attempts to see his son. He paid child support for six weeks and then switched jobs without telling anyone...sadly I'm not surprised. Truth is, I wish he was better but he shows no sign of it. His behavior doesn't sting me anymore but rather is a dull ache where the wounds are still healing.

I'm still not dating and am taking the time to rebuild things. I don't see it now but I sense that I'm embarking on one of the greatest times of my life. It's weird but I know it's coming right around the corner. What will it be, I wonder?? =)
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Unread 08-29-2009, 11:39 AM   #109
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Hi Idolcrush,

So glad to see an update from you ! I am happy to hear that you and your son are doing so well, look at you with a 4.0 !!
I am sorry that your ex is not more consistent with his visitation, that is to be expected if he has not chosen to change his life, it sounds like your son is handling it ? I am sure you are being both Mom and Dad, and you have peace at last.
I still hold out hope for your ex so that he will one day get help and be a father, but we all know , no one can do that for him.

Keep up the great work ! I like your last paragraph and your attitude , especially about the good times in store for you, YES , I believe it too ! You and your son deserve nothing less than the best !

Thanks for posting an update, I am very happy for you both, Take care, Carly : )
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Unread 08-31-2009, 08:59 PM   #110
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Hey Idol!

I love reading your update! While some things are still the same.....you seem so 'healthy' and positive towards the future. It's so nice to see.

You've come so far and seem to have a healthy approach to your ex, too. You can't change him and that's a lesson you've learned. Not only do you have to learn it, but you have to accept it.

Please keep in touch.

SLynn
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Unread 08-31-2009, 11:38 PM   #111
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idolcrush, You are moving on with your life. He is doing the alcoholic thing. Thinking of himself & his wants first. I no longer crave alcohol. I have to work on my thinking & behavior everyday. Continued good luck, R. Lee
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Unread 09-01-2009, 08:58 AM   #112
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Hello- Congrats on your schooling success.I don't carry a 4.0 but a 3.4 and I am very happy with that!Going back to school was the best thing I ever did for myself!
Also, I understand about the visitation issues and other issues with your situation.The emotional numbness you describe is quite normal and I am sure you have discussed how the unstable schedule is bad for your child, but somehow it just doesn't get through to them.
Keep your positive attitude.If you stay focused on your life, you will be amazed at the rewards that have yet to come.In my situation,it was worth the wait!
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Unread 09-05-2009, 12:42 AM   #113
idolcrush
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Hello All,

I made the decision today to inform the Ex that I am no longer comfortable facilitating a relationship with our son until his mental/emotional state is evaluated by a professional. He responded by saying I will be served with papers to go to court in the near future.

I am no longer willing to allow a tyrant to run loose in our lives. Patience hasn't worked, understanding hasn't worked, hope hasn't worked, nothing has improved and I don't trust my objectivity anymore. I wanted so much for the Ex to ammend the damage he has done and for him to be a better person. I've praised him for posessing qualities that he never bothered to cultivate himself. I've been deluding myself. And I'm done. His patterns are no better, his heart is no bigger, he is an awful excuse for a father and a man and there is no denying that anymore.

My son deserves better and as his mother, so do I.
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Unread 09-05-2009, 09:59 AM   #114
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Hi Idol-
Hope you are doing well this weekend.Again, I understand completely how you feel towards your ex.From a legal standpoint, I know every state is different but usually there has to be proof of neglect on the absent parent's part to restrict visitation rights.Will he actually take you to court? You know him better than anyone, so if you think he will, have any information documented.I was always told to keep a journal on my ex concerning incidents that my daughter told me about when she was visiting with him, missed visitation dates, etc. That way if we went to court over his alcoholism, I had documented proof of his antics.
I think it is a very good idea to have a psychological assessment mandated, and you are right in saying you and your son deserve better.Mandatory urine screens may be validated.
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Unread 09-05-2009, 11:21 PM   #115
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Good luck idolcrush. R. Lee
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Unread 09-07-2009, 12:02 AM   #116
idolcrush
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Hi Magda,

One good thing about the Ex and his lack of mental/emotional availability, was that a lot of his 'antics' have been preserved via email and text messages stating some pretty terrible things including but not limited to him not wanting to be a father, him wishing me luck getting money from him and him being an admitted habitual drunkard. Then there is his irrefutable lack of financial support, follow-through, and presence in our son's life. He is a bonafide, "Dead-beat Dad", according to my attorney, and doesn't have a leg to stand on.

So to answer your question about whether I think he will take me to court, I don't know. On one hand, he must know the perils that lay ahead for him if he does, on the other hand, he's not the first dumb guy with a swinging 'stick' that likes to use it. Either way, I don't really care. I only have one person to protect and that is my son.

The Ex thinks he is sitting pretty right now because he finally has someone else to blame besides himself for not being able to see his son: ME. He's in for a rude awakening and a Judge will see to that.

R.Lee, thank you for your posts. I wonder if it is diffiult for you to read this side of the forum?

-Idol
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Unread 09-07-2009, 01:42 PM   #117
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IC-
That is a good thing for your case (saving the texts/emails). I hate when kids are victimized by their absent parent. So many children get treated like dirt for no reason other than pure selfishness.
Just like my daughter, your son will grow up and see the reality of the situation for himself.He will experience many of the feelings you currently feel and they will be warranted.We never want our children to experience that kind of pain because they have done nothing to deserve it-but the lessons learned are so valuable.
Your ex is digging his own grave, so to speak so just keep loving yourself and your son the best you can.You will both get your day in the sun!
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Unread 09-08-2009, 05:19 PM   #118
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Idol, No it is not hard to post on this side. It was suggested to me that I post on this side of the forum. As a recovering alcoholic I'm aware of how I lived & treated family & friends. I only try to post my experiance strength & hope. On the other forum I try to help the suffering alcoholic or new comer. On this side I try to support the family & friends of alcoholics. Thanks, R. Lee
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Unread 09-09-2009, 01:20 AM   #119
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Hi Idol,

To echo Rlee's post, several members on the support for family/friends have asked questions to those of us in recovery in an effort to help them gain insight into their loved one's addiction or "process" as it may be.
For me, I have been on both sides of this disease, I have felt the guilt and remorse of my actions when I was in active addiction and also the frustration and helplessness of a loved one's addiction.
There is much to be gained by sharing experiences.

Hope all is going well, Carly
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Unread 09-10-2009, 04:33 PM   #120
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HI Idol

I'm hoping these last few days have been uneventful for you. So sorry that you continue to battle the ex knowing full well it's an attack against you and not an true effort to be a caring and responsible father. We'll never know what motivates people especially when they're chemically altered, too.

Stay strong and focused as you are doing. It will pay off.

SLynn
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