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Unread 03-16-2008, 02:40 PM   #1
suzieq
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Posts: 3
Default what can i do

I am married to someone who comes from atypical alcholholic family. We have been married 10 yrs and our entertainment over the past 12 yrs has been going to the bars.

I am a light drinker and usually go to drinking water after 1 or 2 drinks. my husband drinks until he would fall down if allowed. when he drinks he gets verbally abusive and last nite he told me he hated me. that he wanted a divorce and that he will start seeing someone else on the side.

this was all precipitated from me taking a stand after we had went out for a few hours. he wanted to go back out and listen to a band and perhaps dance. i told him that i didnt think it was a good idea as we had bills to pay.

the night before he wanted to go out also and i told him i had things to do around the house. i told him i would drop him off at the bar and pick him up when i was done. which i did a few hours later. of course, he didnt want to leave and i told him dinner was done and that i was going home then and he would have to walk home. he decided to come home.

i have resolved that i will no longer facilitate his drinking. personally i dont like going to the bars anymore and i want a lifestyle change. with healthier activities in my life. my delima is that if he leaves me or we divorce due to his drinking that i will be pennyless. i work but i do not make enough to live on my own. we have many bills to pay and i know that he will not pay them if we were divorced and they would attach my wages. he said he would quit working and move away and live with his mother. he is 42 yrs old and i told him to grow up.

what can i do? he would never go to aa or anywhere else as he likes his lifestyle. I hope someone who has been there and done that in the same way....can tell me how to cope with this situation and come out of it with some sanity and money to pay bills.
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Unread 03-17-2008, 02:41 PM   #2
lauri
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Posts: 10
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I wish I could help , But much the same , My husband tells me he cant live without me , And begs , Please don't leave me baby! But yet , he doesnt do anything to prevent me from wanting to get away from his drinking. I have left 3 times in the past couple years only to return after to learn he only starts drinking again. He thinks the reason I leave is because i become unstable due to bipolar . Thats his excuse . He doesnt see his drinking as a problem. maybe it will help knowing we are all here because of the same reason . hang in there and keep your head on straight.
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Unread 03-17-2008, 03:32 PM   #3
soafraid
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Suzieq, I wish I could give you a magic formula but there isn't one. There are many people here with wisdom and experience that can offer insight and education.

I too have been married to an alcoholic for 10 years. Our lifestyle is/was/is very much the same that your described. In January my husband hit what I thought was bottom and sought treatment via rehab, AA, counseling and medication. It lasted all of about four weeks. I tried to change our lifestyle to support his recovery. I tried to set boundaries, attend Al Anon and do all the things I was told were important. Nothing has worked. He turned into a man I didn't even recognize after rehab. He hasn't had a job in six months and we are most likely going to lose our home. He fluctuates between depression and binging. He is back to drinking everyday and stopped all his medication and AA. All he wants to do according to him is "get my life back" and that refers to the life before he lost his job and landed in rehab. This weekend he wanted to party and go out. At least that is the man I recognize.

I find myself caught between a total loss of hope, acceptance of the reality and still praying that something will change. I struggle with the vow I took of for better or worse. I struggle because his therapist told me that he is no more responsible for having this disease then if he had cancer or diabetes. Would I walk out the door if he had cancer? People tell me to leave, to take care of myself, to go on and have a good life for myself. I struggle with that because like I said it is a disease.

Last night my husband told me he "can't" get better. He also told me he is much happier drinking. It is a disease I don't understand. It is a disease I can't control. It is a disease that is killing my husband and destroying my life. And yet drinking or sober there seem to be no answers that make any sense. There is no magic pill, no magic formula, no simple reply. There is support and understanding on this web site. Hope you come back often.
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