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Unread 01-27-2008, 12:46 AM   #151
supershonna
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Hi Amy - I haven't written in awhile but I've been reading the posts. I definitely have felt your pain. It just seemed like the same crap, different day. I have a wonderful mother in-law that I talked alot during the whole alcoholic ordeal. It felt like I was saying the same thing over and over even though it was a different day. I tried to keep everything together and make others not suspect him as an alcoholic. I was worried more about people looking down on me or feeling pity for me. I hit rock bottom when I couldn't handle day to day life anymore. My mind was filled with his disease. I would be at work and want to get home if he were there to see what was going on. But as soon as I'd walk in, I'd want to leave. It was so crazy. I gained an extreme amount of weight because that is how I dealt with the pain. My rock bottom was when my brother was in town and staying with us. He was staying downstairs and I was so scared of him just going downstairs and leaving me upstairs with my husband. I was so scared, I started throwing up. After that point, I knew that I needed to live my life for me. He's choosing his path, I need to choose mine.

I too have had the pee situation so don't ever feel like your stories are crazy or anything. We may not tell every story so you feel you are the first one to post it but we've all been there.

There is hope for the alcoholic but you have to give them the ultimatum and follow through, otherwise, they won't get it. They may never either but that is OK as you are taking care of yourself by leaving if he chooses not to get help. I talked to my husband several times about going to AA and stuff. He said he'd go when he was ready. I told him that was fine but I would support him. Of course, that wasn't entirely true as if he waited too long, I wouldn't be there. Once he went into detox, it was so emotional for me. Half of me wanted him to be there and the other half didn't want him there. Isn't that crazy! That is how the disease affects us. It just doesn't make sense.

You really need to look at this from a long term perspective. I believe someone else posted this too. What do you want your life to look like 10-20-30 years from now? This is also affecting your children. Even though they are little and you think you are protecting them, they are being affected very emotionally and will probably need counseling. Kids are extremely smart and pick up on things right away. They will never hate you for taking them away from their dad. They may test you once in awhile but you need to keep the BIG PICTURE of what this looks like when they are adults. You need to be their mother and protect them as that is your job. Even if they don't like or understand your decision right now, you know what is right as you are the mom and the adult. Trust your instincts. Your mind says leave, your heart says stay. My dad always told me to think with your head. Now, that can make a person cold if they don't do it 50/50 but right now, the heart is going to make you miserable. Sometimes I think we say we love them so much but it's because we are so scared to be by ourselves. You will survive. You need to stand up and realize what a good person you are and that you don't deserve this. This is HIS path you are following - you need to create your own. He will face his own consequences by creating his path - you shouldn't have to face those same consequences.
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Unread 02-07-2008, 10:42 PM   #152
mefirst
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Quote:
quote:Originally posted by ask3

As I started reading what you wrote it was like I was writing it and right now I feel like I'm going to hyperventilate and the anxiety I feel is amazing. I don't know what to do, I don't know who to turn to. I have friends here but I don't want to involve them anymore than they already have been. They all see how much my husband drinks, that he ALWAYS drinks. My husband has drove with one of our daughters when he was drunk, twice, I was beside myself with fury. He works 3rd shift, just another excuse for him to drink. Our oldest daughter tho't she lost the keys to the car, she did end up finding them but the whole situation was too much and so he is off right now buying a 30 pack....who the heck ever had to make 30 packs! You see, he grew up with this, his mother keeps a spare 30 pack "in case they get company." When my olded daughter was 3 or 4 his mother drove with her while she was drinking, with my daughter standing on the seat next to her unrestrained. Not one of my children have ever been in her care long enough to get hurt, they do not go visit unless I am with, I can't trust anyone there and certainy not my husband. His mother becomes his drinking partner. I have come to hate her and resent her. I too am so lost and feel so darn alone. I need some help for myself. gotta run - work calls
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Unread 02-07-2008, 10:43 PM   #153
mefirst
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[quote]quote:Originally posted by mefirst

Quote:
Originally posted by ask3

As I started reading what you wrote it was like I was writing it and right now I feel like I'm going to hyperventilate and the anxiety I feel is amazing. I don't know what to do, I don't know who to turn to. I have friends here but I don't want to involve them anymore than they already have been. They all see how much my husband drinks, that he ALWAYS drinks. My husband has drove with one of our daughters when he was drunk, twice, I was beside myself with fury. He works 3rd shift, just another excuse for him to drink. Our oldest daughter tho't she lost the keys to the car, she did end up finding them but the whole situation was too much and so he is off right now buying a 30 pack....who the heck ever had to make 30 packs! You see, he grew up with this, his mother keeps a spare 30 pack "in case they get company." When my olded daughter was 3 or 4 his mother drove with her while she was drinking, with my daughter standing on the seat next to her unrestrained. Not one of my children have ever been in her care long enough to get hurt, they do not go visit unless I am with, I can't trust anyone there and certainy not my husband. His mother becomes his drinking partner. I have come to hate her and resent her. I too am so lost and feel so darn alone. I need some help for myself. gotta run - work calls
Sorry, I did not do that correctly. I just wanted to see how you were doing.
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Unread 02-08-2008, 04:53 AM   #154
ami29
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Thanks for checking in with me. I truly appreciate it. Life is the same...the other night he passed out in the bathtub and it took me 45 minutes of trying to get him out ( I was afraid he would drown) before I finally realized "DUH!! Pull the plug"...so I drained the tub, then turned the shower on cold and he finally roused enough to get him in the bed.

I feel utterly hopeless and disappointed. I had such high hopes and I am at the point that I feel I absolutely cannot leave him. I am so afraid of what he would do. Financially, I can't afford to be on my own right now either. It's aggravating, frustrating and disheartening to say the least.
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Unread 02-08-2008, 11:57 AM   #155
flower
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You can hate his mother for drinking but not him? remember the three C's of addication:
You didn't CAUSE it
You can't CONTROL it
You can't CURE it

you can try to live with it, you can leave both are so hard, for me I wish I had left years ago! Flower
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Unread 02-10-2008, 10:07 PM   #156
Sarah24
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hey ami..how are you doing? how was your weekend? Did you guys talk the next day after the bathtub incident?

take care,
Sarah
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Unread 02-11-2008, 01:15 AM   #157
ami29
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Yeah, I talked to him. But he just kept saying he was "really tired" and I need to quit blaming everything on his drinking. Apparently I make a big deal out of nothing. I don't know, maybe I do? The weekend was ok...he's pretty loaded again tonight already (only 8 here now).

The beginning of a new week...maybe it will be different.
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Unread 02-23-2008, 04:51 AM   #158
Virginia
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Ami,
I found this site over a month ago. I have been following your posts and I see where you started a new one. I haven't read it yet, but wanted to "bump" this one up so hopefully you will keep us up to date as to how you are doing.
This is not an easy road. I've been on it for way to long. I feel as if alcoholism has been such a way of life for me, yet I'm the one that doesn't have the "buzz". I deal with all the aftermath... all of the craziness. Just to be told the next day that I've blown it out of proportion... I'm over reacting. It's not as bad as I make it out to be. The alcoholic always downplays things. And at times, I feel as if maybe I've lost my mind. Though I KNOW... I have not. So, I will read your new post and pray for you and your girls.
V
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Unread 02-24-2008, 05:31 AM   #159
ami29
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Thanks Virginia for checking on me. It means A LOT!! If you read my other post, you will see things are not so good. I just am at a loss as to what to do anymore. If I leave, I am financially screwed (for lack of a better word). I can't support me and the girls by myself. If I stay, I get beaten down. So very frustrating.

I completely understand how you feel. Even when the "buzz' is gone, we are left with the effects of the drinking....and the damage done is sometimes so deep, it's hard to imagine we will ever heal.

I hope you are doing well. You are in my prayers also.

Ami
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Unread 02-24-2008, 05:45 AM   #160
Susan M. Schmitt
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Oh my goodness your story sounds almost like mine except I've been with my husband for 28 years! That's about how I feel about his beer drinking. That really sucks tho that your family won't support you. Mine would its just that they live in a small town about 2 hours away from me and there is no work there and I have no car to get there any way. He refuses to acknowledge how much money he spends a day in his beer drinking and what your husband is is a controlled alcoholic from what I've been told. My husband only drinks after he gets home from work like my Dad only drinks after 2 pm daily. My brother drinks too but not to excess. I come from a family of drinkers I'm the only one who doesn't drink and my Mum didn't drink either. Any way you're not alone and I'm new to the foum too.
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Unread 02-27-2008, 12:45 AM   #161
supershonna
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Hi Amy - Please don't believe that you are making a big deal out of nothing. They like you to believe everything is your fault and not theirs. You should really check into assistance in your state/county. There are normally many financial options out there for mothers with kids. In my state (Minnesota), I believe there is assistance for electricity, rent, heat, etc. and then food, of course. You should really look online. If you are staying only for financial reasons, that is not a good reason to stay. We all understand it for sure but it shouldn't be a reason to stay. You need to be HAPPY and money won't do that. It will be scary. My mother in-law left an abusive relationship when my husband was little - she had nothing. It was so many years ago that assistance for single parents hadn't been setup yet. She was able to make it through but it was hard. It makes her even more proud of herself and her kids for pulling them out of that situation and seeing how wonderful they are today. Go out to your county website and see if you can find anything. Or else stop in at one of the county office locations and see what is available. I'm sure there is something out there.
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Unread 02-28-2008, 12:00 AM   #162
givemestrength
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hi iam new here, i have been doing this on my own for so long now its hard to talk to someone else but im so tired, when i think of going on thru out my day anxiety just rushes over me, i no longer know what to do..my husbands drinking started getting bad about 2 years ago. there hasnt been a day where he hasnt drank. before we would pack up and go to the mountains or to the beach anytime we wanted to. we were so happy i thought i was the luckiest woman in the world, but these last couple of years hes become intollerable and cold in a three hour time frame he goes from completely sober to not being able to stand on his own so i end up spending my nights cleaning the glass off the floor cuase he fell on the counter. dressing him putting him to bed cuase he cant do it hm self,then i wake up in the middle of the nite to change the sheets cuase he wet himself. and thru all this he fights with me then he crys asking for help saying he wants to change but by the time hes sober he tells me to deal with it. in these to years i have had a miscarriage my hair is falling out and i dont even remember the last time i have slept more than 3 hours a nite. he has taken all my savings to buy wiskey...he gets mad and screams in my face when i dont want to sleep with him, tears the house apart trying to find the liquor i stashed. every ounce of me wants to leave. but i just cant give up on him.but how long do i have to sacrafise for someone that refuses to get help
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Unread 03-07-2008, 01:49 AM   #163
ami29
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I just wanted to tell everyone who took the time to answer me on my posts-- thank you for your kind words and encouragement. I will be "signing off". I wish you all the best and will keep you all in my thoughts and prayers.
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Unread 03-09-2008, 01:40 AM   #164
dancer
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Ami I read your post and I must say this. my husband the last 5 years got upset about something with his Mom it was a big thing but the frist 4 years he did herion he kick now he is drinking almost 2years I have done it all I also have a autistic daughter . I also have a daughter that is 20 mo. older. he drank before but I guess the kids were young and really were into them and my autistic daughter I couldnt take my eyes off her. But think of this my big one started to cut for awhile she is fine now and tells me to divorce him. she is 22 and my other is 20 I have put up with this for 23 years and when my big one went to collage all hell broke lose. Its been almost 6yrs now and I just told him I had enough I have call 911 he o.d. on me twice, now he is a nasty nast drunk . He is 46 and now feel he has a life time of hate of course I was a big fault of that . I not saying to leave if you think you can see a little light but if you cant run like the wind your kids and going to get older with bigger cost and you will just get deeper and deeper . Your sister should be ashame of herself. She might have her share of unfairness and one day might be her turn. My heart and prayers go out to you but remeber sometimes it just get worst.
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