Addiction Survivors

Notices

Reply
Unread 11-15-2007, 01:44 AM   #1
Felicia
Junior Member
 
Posts: 10
Default My two sons

Felicia is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 11-16-2007, 01:05 AM   #2
Felicia
Junior Member
 
Posts: 10
Default

Hello everyone, My name is Felicia and I have two grown sons ages 23 and 21. Our story has been in the making for 25 years and this is the first time I have reached outside my family for help.
I guess I need to start at the beginning and tell you how we have came to this point in our lives.
25 years ago I married my boys father. We were married for 5, not so easy, years. I loved him very much (I have never been able to give anyone else the same kind of love that I gave him), but he had/has a drinking problem. He grew up on a farm where drinking beer while he was working was part of his life. He just couldn't stop once he started. I lived with the abuse for 4 years too long and decided enough was enough and filed for divorce and moved myself and two sons hout. There was a battle over drinking and child support for 15 or 20 years. Thier father soon moved 3 states away after the divorce and never called our home unless he was so drunk that he couldn't remember what he said. So much was said, and so much pain was shed those years. I carried that pain around with me for a good 15 years or more until I realized the control he had over me thru the hate I had. I don't know what made me come to realize the hold he had over me, I just knew I had to have my control back. For the last 5 or 6 years I really thought I had forgiven him for everything he has done to my family (by boys and myself), until 3 weeks ago.........
Daniel is my oldest son, he is very bright and has the best personality, can talk to anyone, and he makes everyone love him. He moved to Lexington, Ky from our home town in Owensboro, Ky about 6 months ago. He attended UK for the first semister and made the Deans list. I was so proud of him and he was even prouder of himself. He wants so bad to make something of his life just so he can show his father that he didn't screw up his life like he did. He will tell you that he hates his father, and he has grown up knowing he will never be that person. Daniel has battled with exceptance from his peers. When he was a teen ager all he cared about was his family. At 17 he had no desire to get his drivers lisc. all he did is hunt with his grandfather and uncles. Then when he went into his senior year of high school it all changed. He played basketball and soon became very popular with the girls. This was the beginning of his total change of personality. He started hanging out with the popular people and started going out to parties, parties that his younger brother had been going to with all of his friends for a couple of years. I honestly believed that these parties were attended by parents and that the beer parties didn't start for Jarred (younger brother) until he was in his sophmore year in high school. Daniel never looked back, he has been drinking ever since. He has never been disrespectful to me but has let me know that he has to live his own life and make his own mistakes in order to become an adult. I bought this thought process. Although I hated the drinking more than anything I knew I couldn't contol his actions. I never backed down on voicing my opinion, and they both knew how much I hated it. I never allowed alcohol in my house until they were both 21. I wanted to guide them by living by my morals. Well.......about 3 weeks ago I received a phone call at 3 am from Daniel, he was drunk (he has never done that), he wanted his dad's phone number so he could call him and talk to him the way he always did so he could see how it felt. We talked for about an hour. Daniel cried and told me he had screwed up his life and became the person that he has hated all of his life. He wanted to know how all of his friends could have such good lives and drink as much as they did. He told me he had to drop out of school because he couldn't keep up his grades and he was too ashamed to come home. He told me he could never come back to Owensboro. He didn't want to answer all the questions that everyone was going to have. He thought that staying there with all his drinking buddies was his only choice. I asked him to please move back home and let us work on it as a family. He said he couldn't and wouldn't. Before we hung up he agreed to go to therpy with his bother and I. The next day he called me and told me he had thought about what I had said and thought that moving away to live with (my brother) his uncle was the best thing for him. I was thrilled that he had come to that decision. Well, I went for over a week and he wouldn't answer my phone calls or return any of my calls. When I finially talked to him, he said that he just wasn't ready to do that and he didn't want to talk to me. I told him that day that I was thru sitting back and letting him grow...........I wasn't backing down, I was going to make sure he came out of this. Now he won't answer my calls.................

Now for Jarred, His personality is totaly different than his brothers. Jarred has always been popular at school. He has more friends than anyone I know. He played every sport and excelled in everything he tried to play. He hurts as much or more than his brother over his dad not being there. He just hasn't spoken out like Daniel did. I know its coming and I just don't know how to handle this anymore. I never said terrible things about thier father, but I never lied to them either. I think I have come back to the hating him (thier father)all over again. I see so much pain in thier eyes and in thier hearts that I can't breath sometimes. I can't imagine the hurt and pain they carry with them knowing that thier dad is alive and raising other kids but doesn't have anything to do with his first two sons.
I need some help...........I don't know what to do any more. I now question everything I have done in the past. Why couldn't I see what my decisions were doing to them.


Sorry this was so long............I just have so much I need to talk about, thanks for listening.
Felicia
Felicia is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 11-16-2007, 11:25 AM   #3
SLynn
Moderator
 
SLynn's Avatar
 
Posts: 866
Default

Felicia

I read your story last night and again this morning....I just don't see what you did wrong raising your children. You lead by example and now they are making their own choices and learning their own lessons.

I'm sure they harbor a lot of hurt and anger towards their father. How could they not? Your youngest (J) may not have all the same issues since he is more outward with his feelings. You older one (D)bottled them up and it came pouring out. Not to mention 'medicating' himself with alcohol. It's not destiny that J will have to go through it. From personal experience, my brother did not have to learn the lessons I did from our alcoholic parents. We chose to deal with it in very different ways.

I feel like you all need to talk to someone to sort out your feelings. If you can't get your kids to go, at least do it for yourself. Lead by example again? I'm a huge proponent of therapy and counseling. I rejected the idea for myself for far too long.

What do you think?

Stacey
SLynn is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 11-16-2007, 12:23 PM   #4
Felicia
Junior Member
 
Posts: 10
Default

Stacey, Thank you for responding to my letter. I have been feeling that I have let my sons down by not preventing the alcohol to control thier lives like it has for generations in thier fathers family. If I had read this story from someone else, I would absolutly tell her she had done what she could.

There is no daught I need to talk to someone about this. I just ended a 6 year marriage because of issues with my children. I just felt he wasn't giving them the effection they deserved from him. I have been married 4 times since thier father. For some reason I just can't give of myself the way I did for thier father. I know the reason for each divorce was due to issues that I have.

Thanks again for giving me your opinion. It really helps to see how other people handle things.
Felicia
Felicia is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 11-18-2007, 01:01 PM   #5
SLynn
Moderator
 
SLynn's Avatar
 
Posts: 866
Default

Hi Felicia

The more you tell me, the more eveident it seems that you need to sort through your past with someone and make some peace with it. YOU CAN'T CHANGE YOUR PAST, YOU CAN ONLY CHANGE YOUR FUTURE. Read that sentence as many times as it takes to understand and use it as a goal.

Keep talking here, too. It's helpful to yourself and others to know they are not alone.

Stacey
SLynn is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 11-18-2007, 02:16 PM   #6
holly
Member
 
Posts: 99
Default

Felicia I read your story and keep thinking that prhaps taking the boys to some alanon meetings or family therapy would be so helpful. Some people mainly men do not think it is manly to talk or to cry about this tuff, but I too come from an alcoholic parent and my situation sounds alot like where you were and your sons for that matter. I think that the first step I would take is family counseling and get someone that is also in touch with being on the alcohol abuse side they know their stuff. holly




holly is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 11-18-2007, 11:56 PM   #7
Felicia
Junior Member
 
Posts: 10
Default

I can't begin to tell you how helpful this has been for me. My brother went thru this over 25 years ago and tells me over and over again that there is nothing I can do for my children except be there for them. That just wasn't the answer that I wanted or needed to hear. A mother can not sit back and watch her children kill themselves with alcohol. I have had a many of night that I have called my brother looking for answers and he didn't have them. I realize they have to decide that they do not want this life for themselves and pull themselves out of it. BUT......I don't want this life. I want them to have a happy life, full of love and respect. I pushed myself as a young adult to become a good parent. I want that for them. They don't have to follow thier father....why can't they follow in my footsteps?......why pick his footprints?

Holly suggested we go to alanon....my youngest son agreed to go with me. We are going to start this week. How do I convince my oldest to go? In the beginning of this, he agreed, but now he doesn't think he needs it. I asked him to just try it one time and see how he feels, he said he would but I know he won't.

Both my children agreed to our Thanksgiving Dinner with my family this year. All my sisters and brother along with my mother and father are all going to talk to them. They want both of them to know that they love them and do not judge them because of the things they go thru. My oldest has a very hard time facing our family because he feels so guilty about all the things he has done and he also has let his self down. I think that is the hardest for him. He grew up with all his aunts and uncles saying to him that he would be going to a very good school and be able to take care of all of us. That stuck in his head. He stills talks about letting everyone down.

Thank you everyone for helping me thru this, I can't tell you enough how much this has helped me.
Felicia
Felicia is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 11-19-2007, 12:19 PM   #8
holly
Member
 
Posts: 99
Default

Dear felicia
take this from someone who has been there about the whole issues your sons are facing. I too came from an alcoholic family and drank for years. closet drinking but i too wanted to numb this agony. I married a recovering alcoholic and it ended in divorce which led to more drinking and today i am free and sober for several years. I am going today to my dads funeral and know where my journey is finally going. I think that is great about your son. on the other hand your oldest will know when the time is right for him. I think once he sees how it is effecting the other son and you he will join the band wagon maybe not. I think if you pressure him to go that he may not get out of it what you wish. I would encourage him to keep talking and offer advice. As for the school thing your son needs to know that we all make mistakes and that is ok. But it is how we rise from the mistakes that makes or breaks us.Encourage him to get his boundaries and if school is what he wants encourage him to go back. I think that he is dealing with alot of issues and I have known people who take years off and still manage to go back and make it work. I am one of those people. In the spring I will graduate with a degree and it only took me 15 years to get. I think it is important to stress to your son that he did not let anyone down and that he can go back. hell people in their 70's go back to get the degree the always wanted. Just tell him that if they ask that he is taking a little civatical to rejuvinate himself. there is no harm in that.I wish you well this week and I hope that the meetings are your path to a new journey to recovery for all of you. please let me know how it goes. holly
holly is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 11-19-2007, 03:07 PM   #9
SLynn
Moderator
 
SLynn's Avatar
 
Posts: 866
Default

Felicia

I hope your Thanksgiving is a wonderful day. I think it's good for the family to show unconditional love to the kids but try not to make it a 'preachy' situation or that could send them for the hills. Support and acceptance.

Keep us updated, ok.

Stacey
SLynn is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 11-21-2007, 12:22 AM   #10
Felicia
Junior Member
 
Posts: 10
Default

I say a prayer everyday to help me to be supportive of my kids. They are making choices that surpise me and break my heart. Daniel will go back to school, he has to, he has too much to offer to not do something with his life. Jarred is working hard and he seems to have a goal and a path that he is trying to stay on. I am so proud of him. He sees his mistakes and is trying very hard to be the person that he wants so bad to be(not like his father). Jarred and I have long conversations about that life, how he grew up and why things went so bad with his dad. He wants to put it behind him and forgive him but he just can't seem to. I know how hard that is............I am still forgiving every day. One day I think that I have forgiven him, then the next day I am back to "why did he have to do this to his own sons". I know thier father has to be hurting as much or more than they are. Jarred will one day be able to find his father and forgive him. I really don't think Daniel will be able to do that. I wish I knew the words to help them.

This will be a very hard Thanksgiving Day for us. But, I am looking forward to spending time with them. My family will not push them, they just want them to know they love them. Hopefully the boys will understand the love.
I want you all to know that I feel so much better after I have read your posts. All your words mean so much to me and I really don't know how I would get thru this with all of you.

Stacy and Holly, you give me so much to look forward to. I hope my kids are as strong as you both are. If I knew they would walk away being the person that you two are, I wouldn't worry so much.
Thanks again,
I will let you know how our Thanksgiving goes...............and I hope all of you have a very happy Thanksgiving...I will be thinking of you.
Felicia
Felicia is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 11-21-2007, 01:08 AM   #11
CASEY
Senior Member
 
Posts: 378
Default

Felicia,

I agree with Stacey, my saying is " TOMORROW IS DONE, FOCUS ON TODAY" We can't go back in time, we all wish we could at some time or another, but you have to live in the here and now.
Please try to find someone to talk to because I don't doubt you have alot of guilt for your children, but I think you also have alot of your own demon's.
Because you say you could never love any of your other Husband's because all the love you gave to a man who just threw it away, I think that is what you should deal with . Helping yourself and your son's .
And maybe they will find out it was a blessing he was not around. It is not an easy path your on . But once you start it, it get's easier day by day!
Good Luck,
Casey
CASEY is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 11-22-2007, 01:37 AM   #12
Felicia
Junior Member
 
Posts: 10
Default

Casey, I try so hard to focus on today, then I look back and see different paths that I could have taken and wish I could change it. I know I can't...........I want to sort it all out, I know I can't carry around what happened 25 years ago, but I still see the pain in my kids eyes and I am there all over again. You know, I am a very strong headed person, and for everything that happened in my life I took it as a growing experiance and I grew by it. I never thought I had emotional baggage, because I dealt with it as it happened to me and went on. Why do I let this have any bearing on my emotions?

How do I sort thru this?
Felicia is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 11-22-2007, 01:49 AM   #13
SLynn
Moderator
 
SLynn's Avatar
 
Posts: 866
Default

Felicia

You have so many things you need to focus your energy on. Looking back should not be one of them! Learn from your mistakes by not repeating them. You don't learn from them by living in them. You just can't live in the past. If you need to see someone about it, then do it. Get a professional to help you sort it all out. We all have regret but it's not healthy to dwell on it.

You can't change your past, only your future. How you deal with that is in your hands. You need to push forward so your son's can see that it can be done. I know it's not easy, but you still need to be the role model.

Stacey
SLynn is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 11-22-2007, 02:16 AM   #14
CASEY
Senior Member
 
Posts: 378
Default

Felicia,

I agree with Stacey, The past is the past . The more you relive it of course it will bring up the anger, so by seeing someone they can help you to move on.
I think because you blame yourself for your children, that you dwell to long in the past.
Everybody has demon's in their past, but once you move past it and don't think about it anymore, you will start to see thing's more clearly.
I know it is hard, because living in the past can be a bad habit to break but you have to , what happened back then , happened! You cannot go back and change it , you have start living in the now! I think once you do and if you get some support you will find yourself a much happier person,and hopefully move on!
I Wish You The Best!
Casey
CASEY is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 11-25-2007, 04:18 PM   #15
holly
Member
 
Posts: 99
Default

the word I come up with is GUILT. you have it and feel you need to make up for it. You cant change the past or dwell in it. where is the road if you always keep looking back. Show those boys of yours how to divide and conquer. you either turn out like it or rise above it. the choice is theirs but you need to give them direction only they can choose to use it. holly
holly is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 11-25-2007, 10:30 PM   #16
Felicia
Junior Member
 
Posts: 10
Default

Holly, you are exactly right. I do have alot of guilt. I think that I blame myself for the life that my boys have had to lead. I do know deep down that what happened before was for a reason. I know I am a much stronger person because of all that I have went thru in bringing up my sons. I am always looking for ways to make thier life better. I'm sure that is why my marriages havn't worked, it was never rewarding enough for my kids. I'm sure that I was feeling that I couldn't be happy because they weren't.
Anyway.............YOU ARE ALL RIGHT!
I am taking baby steps, but I will get there.
Felicia
Felicia is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 11-25-2007, 11:03 PM   #17
lfennelly
Junior Member
 
Posts: 18
Default

Hey I just read you story and know exactly what you are talking about. My 21 year old and oldest has always been my sweet child who said he would never drink because he didn't want to become his father. I thought I had done such a good job teaching them about alcohol addiction that he wouldn't try it. I didn't explain addiction in general and he got arrested at 17 for crystal meth. I had just kicked his dad out of the house, driven him to rehab, and watched them take him straight to the ICU when he called to say he was arrested. He told me the drugs were fake but I felt he was so sweet and naive that he was wrong. This happened on a Friday night and it took me till Tuesday to be able to get him out of jail. The most horrendous 4 days of my life. Fortunately the drugs were fake but not before he had to spend 6 months under house arrest in addition to the 4 days in jail. I could be mad over the fact that they were fake and the police knew this at the scene but my son's life was saved that weekend. IHe was just 17 but would be tried as an adult in this state and was looking at 10 years if they were real. Nothing I could do about that. It scared him straight but that was just the start. We then had to fight the addiction that came with that plus get him to therapy to figure out why he needed to self-medicated. I'm happy to say that my somewhat shy sweet child is now an adult who is working and putting himself through college. It has not been easy and we still deal with pot but he's doing better. The lure to the drugs is still there and I do have to remind him that addiction is addiction. The best thing that happened was him getting arrested and me not being able to bail him out immediately.

Now my 19 year old is a diffrent child and sounds a lot like you youngest. He has always been popular and everything has turned to gold that he touched. Yet he drinks a lot. It's ironic that he is scared to death to turn out like his dad but sometimes I feel like he's testing fate to see if that is indeed what will happen. He's so afraid of that yet I feel like he wants to prove he can party and not have it happen. When he was 16 he got a DUI but was relesed into our custody. At the time my husband was not drinking. Hedidn't get the same wake-up call as my oldest and infact got away with it when the police ealized they had set up an illegal roadblock. There's the gold that he touches but it is not helping. He went to USC this fall on an athletic scholarship but left after about a week because he decided the commitment was too great. I personaly think his identity is wrapped up too much in his popular friends who stayed in state and he's afraid to branch out alone without his possy. My amateur diagnosis. When he got the DUI he had to take something called Prime for Life and that scared him so the first night that he cried that he was going to be just like his dad. I've repeatedly told him that he has full control over that and knows that alcoholism runs rampid through his dad's family. He knows the risks and I pray every night that he makes the right decisions. He has the knowledge; he just has to fight the peer pressure and the partying that goes on from living in a college town. He is planning on going to a community college in the spring. Something he has to do since he attended classes at USC but he hopes to transfer to UGA after getting 30 hours.I just hope he's mature enough to do that and that he's just not looking for the next level of partying. I keep telling myself that it's his life and he's just made his path a little harder but that hopefully with maturity he will be fine. I am and have been racing maturity with him since his junior year in high school. At some point I have to let him at 19 make his own mistakes. It breaks my heart and I hope adn pray every night that he isn't already experiencing alcoholism. I can only be there for him if he needs me, remind him of the dangers, but not support the dnagerous activities. It is unrealistic of me to think that he won't ever drink but I hope he knows he's playing russian roulette.

I don't know if any of this helped but I wanted you to know that you are not alone. I believe boys are much more risk takers and it is just getting them to navigate this time safely. Thanks. Laurie
lfennelly is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 11-27-2007, 01:24 AM   #18
Felicia
Junior Member
 
Posts: 10
Default

Wow...........Thank you for sharing that with me. Sounds alot like what I am going thru now. I know how hard it is for your son to be in jail and you not being able to bail him out. My oldest son has been to jail twice for a dui. I refused to bail him out both times. I have told both of them that if they choose to make a decision and drink and drive then that is where they need to be. My heart aches every min. that he is in there but I can't get him out, it just seems to be condoning what he did. He to is stuck in his buddies circle or rich friends and sees nothing wrong with what he is doing because they do it. I know that he is an alcholic and that he can't walk away from it. I beg him to move back home and let us work on it together, but, he says he is 23 years old and will never move back home with his "mom". You would think the jail time would wake them up. I just hope and pray that he doesn't kill someone before he realizes that he has to quit. That is my biggest fear. He will either kill himself or worse kill someone and live thru it. How could he live thru that?
When does it get easier? When do you stop worring? When does the guilt about how you raised them stop? I want to make things right, but I just don't know how, or should I be focused on that at all?
Thank you for sharing your story with me laurie, it really helped.
Felicia
Felicia is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 12-03-2007, 12:39 PM   #19
holly
Member
 
Posts: 99
Default

felicia
that was good I am glad to see your steps and hope all is going well. I know how difficult this is to go through. I do want you to know that happiness begins with you. All parents want better for their children, but if you allow them or yourself to allow the guilt of a better life control you than you will never move forward. I know The struggle is hard , but you can do this. instead of thinking of all the things they suffered through think of all the good things you brought into their lives. that is a start. holly
holly is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 12-04-2007, 02:57 AM   #20
Felicia
Junior Member
 
Posts: 10
Default

Hello everyone, I guess our Thanksgiving went as well as I could expect it to. Both boys were home and spend very little time with me. They both stayed out with thier friends. We ate dinner with my parents and all my siblings and the boys and thier girlfriends joined us for part of the day. Daniel drank alot while he was here and seemed really out of sorts. I tried talking to him but he cut me off and said he didn't come home to hear lectures. I told him that I loved him and was here if he needed to talk. also thru in a few comments about him not drinking. Jarred showed up at my house on Sunday morning around 4am drinking. He was driving and I told him the next morning that I was very upset with him about his choice to drive. I have found a few stories on the internet that I forwarded to him to read about people losing loved ones to drunk drivers. I hope he reads them.
This site has givin me so much strength. Thanks everyone for sharing with me.
Felicia
Felicia is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off




All times are GMT -4. The time now is 05:32 AM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2019, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
© 2014 Addiction Survivors