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Unread 01-28-2017, 05:15 PM   #1
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Default Is his problem as big as I make it?

I have been with my husband for six years two of which have been marriage. The whole time he's been a heavy drinker especially on weekends. Before we got married I asked him if the drinking whatever be able to be under control and he assured me it would. I said I wouldn't get married to an alcoholic he promised me that things would change. Then he wanted to have baby and things still had to change and again he assured me that they would change. They still haven't changed. His problem is not that he necessarily have to drink all the time but that when he does drink he can't just have one or two. If he has three he needs to smoke pot. If he's out with friends he has to get blackout drunk. I stopped encouraging him to go out with his friends years ago because he was always so drunk when he came home. He does sober months to prove to me that he can not drink but it doesn't fix the major problem of knowing when enough is enough and what is abuse of alcohol and drugs. He also says that he drinks and does drugs to get away from the stress of running his own business. I've tried so many times and every witch way to fix it but it just doesn't get any better. Now he's excuse for drinking is that I suffocate him and that he drinks because I make him because he's not happy with me. When he's sober and clear-headed he's always apologizing and telling me that it's not me and that it's him. We now have a three month old baby who I will protect no matter what I have to do. My husband comes from a family of Alcoholics and he just doesn't seem to get it. My question for you guys is when do you involve the family? And when do you decide that a truly is a problem?
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Unread 01-28-2017, 10:45 PM   #2
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I'm sorry Vanicity, you involve the family when you set consequences. You have told him but he needs to have consequences or he will keep on. It is enabling him if he gets to drink. He throws the guilt on you. Protect your baby. He sounds like he's getting worse. I laid it out there. It is hard mentally but you can leave him. Others can help you here. I wish you the best. Oh also go to alanon for directions. They can help you too.
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Unread 01-29-2017, 04:06 AM   #3
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It sounds like you've given him a lot of chances. You must do what is right for you and your little one. Like Lostdog said, you don't have to live like this.
I think that if you have a good relationship with the family, it's worth getting everyone to sit down with your husband to tell him how much his drinking is out of control and how it is hurting you.
But ultimately, he won't stop until HE chooses it. You can only make a decision for yourself and your baby. I urge you not to delay.;
Please don't listen to him when he says it is your fault, that you drive him to drink. Don't believe that. He is manipulating you. You have nothing to feel guilty about.
I think you know what needs to be done. It is very hard to do but it is the only way. Don't delay.
Best of luck to you and your baby.
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Unread 02-20-2017, 06:35 PM   #4
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When I read that "he is blaming me for his drinking" that is when I cringed. That is the biggest bunch of baloney I have ever heard. If you can make him drink, then by that logic, you could make him stop. And that doesn't work.

You don't make him drink. He chooses to drink.

In hind sight - I wish I would have left my ex sooner than I did. I encourage you to go to Al Anon. You will be AMAZED when you talk with people that are experiencing things that are so similar to what you are going through. For some reason - when somebody else says it - we can say, "boy - that (man/woman) has a drinking problem and (she/he) should get out."

Drunks know how to manipulate. They will take a super tiny itsy bit of truth and somehow explode it into a huge thing and it will confuse you. They are masters at that.

My son is now 17. We left when he was 10. It breaks my hear to this day that I didn't do it sooner. If I had been stronger I would have left when he was 8. In my opinion, the sooner the better. Kids are amazing, but it would have given us 2 more years in a stable environment.

Go to AlAnon. Find an online meeting if you cant attend one in person. You are NOT alone and you are NOT making a big deal about something that is small.

He has classic signs. Broken promises. Can't control his drinking when he does drink. Blaming everybody/everything for his consumption of drugs and alcohol but not taking any ownership in it.

If you have the power to make him drink - do you think you could work your magic on me and get me to lose a few pounds and eat better? I'm not making light of your situation. It's awful, but I'm trying to drive home a point. It is not you.

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