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Unread 06-22-2013, 08:05 AM   #201
Saint
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Michael,
I've been thinking of you. Hope all is well. Let us know how you're.doing when you have a moment.

Take care,
Saint
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Unread 06-22-2013, 08:27 AM   #202
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Hello Michael.

Same as Saint. You have been in my thoughts. Keep trying my friend. Post when you can.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to you Michael.
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Unread 06-27-2013, 12:50 PM   #203
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Hello everyone. I'm sorry it has been so long since I posted, our internet has been out for a week and a half. I'm posting to you from the local library right now. Thank you all so much for the kind words, and the encouragement. I just recently made a choice that I should have made a long long time ago. I have quit my job and I am going back into ministry work. It's what I love to do. Ever since I was a young teen, I knew that I was called to the ministry, and now I have the opportunity to pursue that again. My job has been nothing but a massive burden to me. A giant factory full of alcoholics and drug addicts talking about how they can't wait to get off and go drink, or shoot up, or whatever. No judgement to them of course, most days I joined in their conversations. The fact is, it was a toxic environment. I'm really excited about this next step in my life. Blessings.

Michael
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Unread 06-27-2013, 02:47 PM   #204
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michael, I'm glad that you are able to quit your job & do something you realy like in ministry work. You can help people & you are away from fellow workers who just want to drink & get high.

Think through that next urge to drink.
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Unread 06-27-2013, 09:43 PM   #205
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Michael,

Congrats on the new career choice!!! Doing something you love is it's own reward, imo. Good to hear from you Michael. Take care and don't be a stranger. I miss hearing from you.

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Unread 06-29-2013, 09:23 AM   #206
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Hello Michael,

That is brilliant news. I can feel the weight coming off your shoulders. I echo both R Lee and Saints posts, much respect to you Michael. What a wonderful journey to embark on. Please let us know how you go.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to you Michael.
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Unread 07-04-2013, 01:35 AM   #207
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Michael,

I hope you are well and are enjoying the holiday. Just dropping a line to say Hi.

Regards,
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Unread 07-09-2013, 12:32 PM   #208
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Michael,
Just want you to know I've been wondering how you are. Hope all is well with you and know that you are missed.

Regards,
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Unread 07-11-2013, 02:13 PM   #209
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Thanks everyone! Once again, sorry about the lack of posting. Our internet just got turned back on today, so I will be posting regularly from now on. Today is day 4 without alcohol. I am vulnerable and pretty emotional, but I'm used to this feeling. Everything went well with quitting my job, and my transition into ministry has been pretty smooth. Finances are going to be tight for me for awhile, but it will be so worth it to be doing what I love. Blessings.

Michael
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Unread 07-11-2013, 02:13 PM   #210
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Hello Michael,

Just thinking Saints thoughts. How are you doing my friend?

Drop us a line and let us know how you are getting along when you have some time.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to you.
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Unread 07-11-2013, 08:32 PM   #211
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Michael,

Congrats on the 4 days sober!! So glad you didn't give up on yourself. Speaking from experience it was only to easy for me to return to drinking after a sober period of 6 months or so. Took me another 18 months to finally kick it. The drinking got worse over those 18 months.... Glad you are back and very happy for you regarding the change in careers. Wishing you the best Michael!

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Unread 07-12-2013, 12:57 AM   #212
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Thanks Saint! Your totally right, it gets worse every time you go back. During my latest relapse, some nights I would get totally trashed, just like I wanted to. While most nights I would throw back more than a pint of vodka, only to still be as sober as a judge. The nights that I felt the alcohol actually kicking in, I drank until I couldn't even remember my own name. While the other nights I would just be angry and bitter. I came on here tonight to do a little venting. I think one of the reasons I relapsed last time is because I bottled in all of my emotions thinking they would pass on their own.
Tonight I feel desperate and worthless. I'm exhausted, but can't sleep. I want to cry, but there are no tears. This emotional roller coaster of withdrawal sucks, but I can somewhat rest in the fact that it will pass in good time if I choose to stay sober.
I am attempting to keep myself busy everyday. I have been cleaning the entire church once a week, trying new things with our coffee shop, doing outreaches with the church once a week, etc. I am also trying to give myself something to look forward to at all times. But no matter how exciting the upcoming event is, I still feel bored and obsolete. Paranoia has gripped me the last few nights. I have found myself going down into my basement with a butcher knife, because I think someone is down there just waiting until I go to sleep to come up and attack me. I know that sounds crazy, but the last thing I need is to hold all of these things in. I recognize this feeling of paranoia and fear. I encountered it many times while I was drinking heavily in Pittsburgh. I hate it so much, but still embrace it like an old friend. I know that it will eventually pass as well.
Thank you to everyone on this site for being an ear that I know will listen. You are all so important to me. I'm going to try and relax and get some sleep. Blessings.

Michael
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Unread 07-12-2013, 07:06 AM   #213
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Hi michaelc232, congratulations on 5 days now. I'm wondering if you did go to the doctor when you spoke of it a couple of months ago? If not, please think about going. Campral may help you get through this part of stopping. Because you said that money was tight, here's a link to a list of low/no cost clinics:
http://www.needymeds.org/free_clinics.taf

Have you thought about seeing a therapist? It really might be helpful for you since you're doing some soul searching on what triggers you to drink. That list in the link above may have some therapists also. Or you can dial 211 - it's a referral line in most states that's usually run by the United Way.

Is there anything that you like doing or have wanted to do? Reading, sports, photography, etc.? If you like reading, maybe there's a book club you can join, or a pick-up softball or other sports team in your town. Are there any town adult ed classes? Although you're keeping yourself busy with work-related things, maybe if you could find something fun and of interest to you, it would be another outlet for your feelings of boredom.

I hope that's helpful. Please continue to post - even if it's just to vent, ok?

Nancy
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Unread 07-12-2013, 08:03 AM   #214
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Hi Michaelc!

I'm happy to hear that you have 4 days sober. All of the feelings that you describe, I have felt. Then we are left wondering, "How did I get back here....again?" I get it! I always felt so terrible when I relapsed. I was jealous of the people who 'got it the first time' and I thought I might be one of those exceptions who just couldn't get it. All of that was prideful thinking. Even negative, I was excluding myself and finding differences from other alcoholics. Once I finally realized my pride and gave my addiction to The Lord to handle, I was free. I can't, He can, so I let him. I was sick and tired of getting in the way of everything and trying to drive the bus. Please take care of yourself - and as you said, it DOES get better with time and this withdrawal stuff gets better. Jenm
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Unread 07-12-2013, 09:50 AM   #215
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Michael,

The feelings of worthlessness and desperation are ones we feel when we are caught up in our disease but want, know there are better things our there for us, in my opinion. I lived that lie and though maintained a façade that enable me to get through life I was a shell of the person I wanted to be.

Nancy has some great suggestion Michael. Think about them. They may make your path to sobriety much easier. Remember you are not inventing the wheel here : ) , unfortunately you are not the first to go this path and won't be the last. Although we may feel alone in our struggles with addicition, it is not a unique and singular experience. It is the nature of the disease for us to isolate ourselves from those that can help us. I know I felt terrible finally admitting to my personal physician my struggles with alcohol after years of lying to him about how much I drank. I remember leaving his office feeling so down on myself but slowly over time felt so much better that I no longer had that lie hanging over my head. A weight was lifted from my shoulders. The weight of guilt. People from all walks of life deal with addiction and the feelings are mostly the same.

You are not alone Michael...... Be kind to yourself and think through that first drink.

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Unread 07-12-2013, 11:07 PM   #216
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Michael, I posted to you in binger's post.

Congratulations on 4 days sober. Forget the boredom that is just an excuse to drink.

Yes paranoia can get the best of use when we are using. We do crazing thing because some of us are crazy when we drink.

No matter how busy we keep ourselves we have to learn to love ourselves & forgive ourselves. We can only do that if we make sobriety our # one priority.

Stay in today. If you don't drink give thanks. If you have the privilege to wake up tomorrow you have a choice to ask for guidance on staying sober just one moment at a time or you can go back to drinking. When we drink we have no choice.

I did not have the strength to get sober just for today by myself. I needed a higher power & a support group to use when that overwhelming desire to drink came to me.
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Unread 07-13-2013, 01:09 AM   #217
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Thank you all so much for your inputs and encouragement! You are all so special to me. You all have become like a little family to me. I trust you guys with things I would tell nobody else. Again, thanks. Nancy, I should have went to the doctor when I had the chance. I am waiting on some money to come in, then I plan on going. I was on Campral once, it did not work for me, but I know that there are other options. As far as my triggers go, I know what triggers me. Most of them I have dealt with, many I still hold onto. Resentments are my number 1 trigger, as it is with most alcoholics. I have hurts towards so many people, mostly family, for past wrongdoings. I am working on letting those things go, not just for me, but for the people that I minister to. I cannot lead them down a road until I have reached the end myself. I want to forgive, so that I can teach how to forgive. I know what to do, but that's a whole lot easier than actually going through with it. Another trigger is boredom, which is why I am keeping myself busy. When I am not busy, I try to keep myself around other people, so that I don't have the alone time to talk myself into drinking. 9 times out of 10 I am my own worst enemy when it comes to making a choice to drink or not to drink. I am spending more time in prayer, and reading God's Word. I am a Christian, but of course I accept and love people from all religious backgrounds. My spiritual beliefs are my biggest help in staying sober, so I have chosen to pursue them harder than ever before. I believe that the closer I get to God, the farther I will get from alcohol and it's power over my life.
JenM, thank you so much my friend. The belief that we can give our addiction over to a higher power, and no longer have to bear that burden, is a beautiful thing. When I am in temptation, and I call on Him instead of dwelling on it, He is always faithful to deliver me.
Saint, I believe that I definitely should find somebody to tell exactly how I feel, face to face. I believe that it will feel like a huge burden is lifted if I actually tell someone how bad my addiction has progressed instead of hiding it away like it doesn't exist to the real world.
R.Lee, thank you for the sound advice. I love how you are straight to the point with everything, it truly helps me.
Blessings all.

Michael
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Unread 07-13-2013, 03:39 PM   #218
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Michael, Thanks for the complement. Anything I suggest is just that a suggestion. So I don't sugar coat to coax someone to try it the easy way.

You sound like you are well on your way to another day of sobriety.
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Unread 07-14-2013, 09:41 AM   #219
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"When I am in temptation, and I call on Him instead of dwelling on it, He is always faithful to deliver me."

Beautifully said, Michael! This is very true in my life. When we ask anything in His name, he will deliver. When I finally opened my heart, and stopped asking for earthly things, I was changed. It is so amazing I cannot even describe it. I am praying for you, please take care! Jenm
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Unread 07-14-2013, 11:18 PM   #220
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Good to see you posting again Michael. We need you here.

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Unread 07-15-2013, 12:03 AM   #221
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Thank you so much everyone! It's so good to hear from you again Frankie, your a great guy.

Today I was so saddened to hear that one of my favorite actors and singers, Cory Monteith, passed away. He was one of the stars of the hit T.V. series GLEE. He had such talent. He died of an overdose a couple of days ago, but his body was just discovered last night in his hotel room in Canada. How true it is, that addiction is an equal opportunity disease. You can be a nobody from a small town, or world famous, and the results of a continued life of addiction will still be the same.
Tomorrow morning I celebrate one week sober. I am determined, now more than ever before, to make this my last "one week sober."
Blessings.

Michael
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Unread 07-15-2013, 02:02 PM   #222
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Hello Michael. Bright blessings to you.

How very right you are. Addiction will hold anybody's hand and drag them to their death. But isn't it amazing that when addiction is pulling you away, you can reach out and find hands that reach out to yours?

Loveness to you my friend.
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Unread 07-15-2013, 02:29 PM   #223
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So true Tryn. There is always someone to help if we are willing to reach out to them.
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Unread 07-15-2013, 05:35 PM   #224
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MIchael,

I also heard of the death of Cory Monteith. It's saddens me when addiction takes the life of anyone but it is also a reminder of how terrible this disease is. Some poor souls do not get another chance....

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Unread 07-17-2013, 03:41 AM   #225
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It was confirmed today that Cory Monteith died from an overdose of heroine and alcohol. So sad. I celebrate 9 days sober today. I'm grateful to be here. Blessings.

Michael
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Unread 07-17-2013, 09:59 AM   #226
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Addiction is the real deal. It destroys lives......
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Unread 07-17-2013, 09:55 PM   #227
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Hello Michael, bright blessings to you.

I noticed 9 days sober, proud of you my friend.

1 day at a time. Support and talk.

Be peaceful. Loveness to you
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Unread 07-21-2013, 08:55 PM   #228
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Hello everyone. I'm drinking again. Been drinking for 3 days straight.... I need to see a doctor or do something different. I'm so tired of this falling and getting back up thing. I want to end this thing for good. I remember Saint posting something about "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result." I think it's definitely time to try something new. Blessings.

Michael
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Unread 07-21-2013, 09:36 PM   #229
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Good idea michaeldc232-yes, see a doctor and ask for medical help. There are many medications that can help you through as you work on your sobriety! We are very fortunate to have medicine that can help us-in the "olden days" there was only "white-knuckling"-thank goodness science has advanced-take advantage of it. You are certainly worth it!!

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Unread 07-22-2013, 02:57 PM   #230
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Michael,

Keep working it. As you said perhaps it is time to try something new. Don't be discouraged in yourself. The important thing is you want to get better! We usually set ourselves up for that first drink well in advance. Call someone, post here when you feel that urge coming on..... before you pick up. Sometimes we need to do something we feel uncomfortable with break the cycle of addiction. It feels uncomfortable because it is new, it feels unnatural. We drink because we are alcoholics, it feels natural. Drinking is how we deal with our issues. Learn about yourself, learn from the past and then move forward.

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Unread 07-22-2013, 04:24 PM   #231
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michaelc, Think through that next drink. Stay in today. Use a support group.
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Unread 07-25-2013, 01:18 AM   #232
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Hello everyone! I'm 3 days sober now. Coming off of that 3 day binge was nothing short of Hell! The paranoia, anxiety, and trepidation the first night was terrible. I'm still making it through the woods right now, but it's not near as bad as it was. Thanks for listening. Blessings.

Michael
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Unread 07-25-2013, 02:05 PM   #233
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Hi Michael!

As you know, the physical part goes away with time. I vividly remember the paranoia, sweating, anxiety - the absolute sense of impending doom. I am so grateful I do not feel that way today, nor do I ever have to feel it again. Neither do you. One day at a time. Read 1 John 5:14-15. You can do this! Take care, Jenm
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Unread 07-25-2013, 02:25 PM   #234
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Michael, Great new that you are 3 days sober.
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Unread 07-27-2013, 05:16 AM   #235
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Michael,

Hope all is well. Have a safe weekend and let us know how you are doing.

Regards,
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Unread 07-29-2013, 11:44 PM   #236
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Michael,
Don't be a stranger. We miss you!!

Saint
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Unread 07-30-2013, 02:38 PM   #237
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Sorry that I have not posted in awhile. Been really busy. I drank the other day, but am 3 days sober again.
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Unread 07-30-2013, 10:55 PM   #238
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Michael,
We fall into patterns with our drinking Michael. I had to pay attention to my thoughts, how I was feeling to get sober. When I was happy and felt good I didn't. care if I drank.....until the next day. Eventually I got sick and tired of being sick and tired and got serious about sobriety. Only took me twenty five years...

Stay safe Michael.

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Unread 07-31-2013, 11:34 AM   #239
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Michael, Think through that next urge to drink.
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Unread 08-05-2013, 06:29 AM   #240
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Michael,

Thinking of you and hope things are well. One day at a time.....

Saint
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Unread 08-05-2013, 11:55 PM   #241
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Hello everyone. I am 3 days sober again. Saint, you were absolutely right, I have been allowing myself to fall into a pattern. Letting myself believe that I was getting better, only to fall right back in. I have done some self-evaluation, looking at things in my life that are triggering me to drink. Certain TV shows that I watch that trigger thoughts of depression, music that reminds me of drinking and partying like I used to, I am eliminating them from my life. I know that will not be a cure-all, but it is a step in the right direction. I am once again getting back up, dusting myself off, and moving forward. I refuse to give up. I am going to win this battle, one day at a time. Blessings!

Michael
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Unread 08-06-2013, 01:26 PM   #242
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Michael, We have to be aware of people places & things.

Sobriety has to be the most important things in our life. We have to work it 100% or we end up repeating the cycle.
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Unread 08-08-2013, 12:06 PM   #243
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Hey everyone, today I am working on day 5 sober.

Michael
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Unread 08-08-2013, 07:47 PM   #244
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Michael, Stay into today & think that 1st drink through. Congratulations on 5 days sober.
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Unread 08-08-2013, 08:59 PM   #245
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Michael,

Congrats on 5 days sober!

It's helpful to have a plan in place for when the urge to drink rears it's ugly head. Recently you had mentioned doing something different this time around. I can be as simple as posting here everyday or having someone to call at any time should you need the support. Exercising, going for a walk etc, are things you could do at the times when you would normally drink. People, places and things Michael..... Sobriety is not just about the drinking. It often includes a lifestyle change. Hang in there.... hope you're not struggling.

Take care,
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Unread 08-15-2013, 02:08 PM   #246
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Hey everyone. I have a Dr's appointment for next Thursday to see about getting put on Antabuse. Blessings

Michael
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Unread 08-15-2013, 07:12 PM   #247
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Michael, Good luck.
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Unread 08-16-2013, 09:00 AM   #248
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Michael,

Awesome news!

Sobriety isn't easy at times but is sooooo worth it. Keep working it Michael!!! You owe it to yourself.

Think through that first drink and thanks for letting us know what's going on with you!

Regards,
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Unread 08-21-2013, 09:03 AM   #249
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Good luck with the Dr.'s appt. Michael.


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Unread 08-22-2013, 12:57 AM   #250
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Thank you Saint!

It is the night before my appointment, and I could not be more nervous. I'm afraid of what the doctor might tell me. I'm afraid that she won't prescribe me any medication, but just tell me to get to a Rehab. I'm afraid that she will try and put me on a bunch of anti-depressants that will mess with my head, and I'm afraid that this won't work. But regardless, I am taking the leap of faith and going.
In a brighter light, this is a huge step for me. Until now, I have been attempting to stop drinking solely based on MYSELF. I have tried to quit through my own willpower, my own beliefs, and on my own terms. Tomorrow, I will be handing myself over to a professional, and finally fully giving into the fact that I am an alcoholic, and I need help. So for that, I am proud of myself.
I will give an update as soon as I get home from my appointment. Blessings.

Michael
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