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Unread 02-22-2013, 11:43 PM   #51
michaelc232
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That definitely went across my mind today R. Lee. I wanted to drink so bad at one point, I just didn't want to face reality today. Shortly after I started dealing with those thoughts I went over to my Pastor's house next door just so I wouldn't be alone. When I arrived I found out that his daughter's (she is 9 years old) fish died. I had just given her the fish about 2 months ago and she had grown quite attached to it. So we had a very nice little funeral, with her and I gathered around the toilet bowl saying nice things about the fish as we flushed it away. Then I went down to the store and bought her a new little fish, which she was so happy about. Anyways, I realized that this is why I stay sober. I love helping people, and I simply cannot be there for the people that I love when I am drunk. As much as I wanted to drink, I am so glad that I stayed sober today. Blessings

Michael
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Unread 02-23-2013, 09:45 PM   #52
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Michael, You thought that 1st drink through by not picking up & going where you felt safe asking for help.

By not drinking you helped comfort a little girl, something that you did not anticipate as you walked next door. The urge to drink also left you.

Stay around & it will get easier. Good job Michael.
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Unread 02-25-2013, 08:31 AM   #53
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Michael,
You're doing the right things to get sober!!!!! You're reaching out when you find things unbearable. I call that progress. Do what you need to do to stay sober. It may be uncomfortable at times, but sooo worth it. Keep up the good work.

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Unread 02-25-2013, 03:28 PM   #54
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Thanks guys. I'm 3 weeks sober as of yesterday. I've been hit with one reality after another these last couple of days. Being sober is forcing me to face all of the stupid s*** I did while I was abusing alcohol, and it really makes me want to drink. But I know that is not an option for me, and it will only give me more harsh realities to face when I decide to get sober the next time, if I would even make it to a next time. It sucks right now, but I know it gets better. Blessings.

Michael
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Unread 02-25-2013, 07:13 PM   #55
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Michael, Using the principals of my program I have been able to face my character defects & by living these priccipals I an no longer the kind of person I was & I have been able to forgive myself. Just for today I do not want to drink because of how I lived when I drank.
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Unread 02-25-2013, 07:28 PM   #56
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Thanks R. Lee. That really helps.
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Unread 02-26-2013, 06:40 PM   #57
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Today has royally sucked! I have been hit with cravings one after the other from the time I woke up this morning. I have been offered every drug known to man today including pain killers, heroine, etc. But ya know what, I'm still standing, and I'm still Fu***** sober! Today I have been sober for 3 weeks and 2 days, this is the longest I have been sober in a year and a half. Last time I gave in at my 3 week mark, but not this time! By God's Grace and the loving support of everyone that is backing me up, including you guys, I am still going strong! I am now going to reward myself by eating twice my own weight in chocolate chip cookies. Blessings!

Michael
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Unread 02-26-2013, 07:32 PM   #58
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Michael, Remember people places & things. We have to get rid of certain people places & things or you will end up having a day like today.
I'm gald you made it today so far. A few more hours you will have another day under your belt.
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Unread 02-26-2013, 07:40 PM   #59
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Thanks R.Lee. Your always so quick to respond and you always offer sound advice. In case I have never said it before, I really appreciate you. All of this stuff happened while I was at work today, and most of it from random people that I don't normally talk to. But I do agree, there are People, Places and Things that I will need to cut off so I do not have to go through these types of days on a regular basis.
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Unread 02-26-2013, 09:44 PM   #60
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Michael,
Nice job thinking through those cravings. Utilize your supports when you feel the cravings coming on. The temptations will always be there, today you saw them everywhere. It is your brain craving some relief from what was once 'normal'. As Lee says, people, places and things. Some may need to go....replace them with healthier outlets to occupy your time.

I know I sound like a broken record, you do know what a record is : ), but it does get easier as time goes on. Learn about your addiction, knowledge is power!

Stay safe,
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Unread 02-26-2013, 10:06 PM   #61
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Thanks Saint. You are so right, and I really appreciate that perspective. It helps to realize that the things I am trying to escape from used to be my normal, everyday life before alcohol was introduced to me. I feel stronger because of today's events. The things that happened today forced me to look in the mirror and see some nasty, desperate sides of myself that I had never seen before. I am more persuaded than ever to make all of the necessary changes in my life to prevent a relapse from ever occurring. Blessings!

Michael
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Unread 02-27-2013, 02:45 PM   #62
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Michael, More will be reviled. Yea we have to make changes. Some come quickly so slowly.
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Unread 02-28-2013, 11:08 PM   #63
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Thanks R. Lee. Today was a really good day. I'm actually starting to feel emotions again, and it is kinda surreal. Today one of my fish died, and anybody who knows me knows that I get a little attached to animals, even if they are just fish. Anyways, the fish was showing signs of a fungal infection so I went down to the pet store to get some medicine. I came home and put the medicine in the tank, but the infection was too far along. Within 30 minutes the fish was dead. It was crazy though, because when I saw it laying at the bottom of the tank, for the first time in over a year I felt the raw emotions that come with mourning the loss of someone or something important to you. It was a sad moment, but also a celebratory one. I am no longer numb! I am feeling the things that humans are supposed to naturally feel. I'm so glad to be sober today. Blessings.

Michael
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Unread 03-01-2013, 03:46 PM   #64
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Michael, Some of the promises are coming true. The rewards of turning our life around.
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Unread 03-01-2013, 05:07 PM   #65
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Michael,

Glad to hear things continue to go well for you.

People, places and things.....

Stay Strong,
Saint
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Unread 03-02-2013, 03:55 PM   #66
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Saint..... it royally sucks that the last thing in your message was People, Places and Things, because that is what got me this weekend. I went with a friend and her brother to see a movie last night. I knew that I should not be hanging out with this friend anymore because she is a recovering addict who has been talking about wanting to relapse for a week now. I have been trying to talk her out of it for days now, but she insisted that when she got her first paycheck from her new job she was going to use. Anyways, the movie ended late, and her and I both had using on the mind. Long story short we stopped at the liquor store, got a bottle of vodka and went back to her house and got smashed. This sucks so bad because I would have been one month sober tomorrow. Oh well, I suppose it's time to take responsibility for what I did, put my big boy pants on, and start over on day 1 tomorrow. I can't let this relapse turn into a re-entrance into the alcoholic lifestyle. I have come too far to go back now.
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Unread 03-02-2013, 09:10 PM   #67
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Michael,
I was sober once for six months, then drank for the next 18 months. The drinking increased in intensity. Over those 18 months until I finally stopped for good. Learn from it and move on. Get suggestions from others Michael when you feel yourself slipping. We've all been where you are. Stick with it. YOU'RE. not starting over, you're moving on. Continue to stay positive.
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Unread 03-02-2013, 10:47 PM   #68
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Michael, people places & things we must avoid if we want to continue on without breaking the time he have being sober.

You at least know what led up to you getting smashed. Unknown to you is that you have been probably planning that drunk for some time.

Start over. In the morning we will all be on the same page trying to stay sober for the next 24 hours. Who ever gets up the earliest has the most sobriety. At least that is what I have been told.
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Unread 03-03-2013, 10:54 AM   #69
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Dear Michael,
First I am sorry about your fish but how amazing it is to feel again and that you are working hard.
As Lee posted above I also tend to believe our slips, relapses start on some level before we pick up. There will be always be people , places and things to trigger us, sometimes it feels at every turn but recognize it , think it through, talk it out , whatever it takes. you will become stronger, like now you are re-focusing and determined to not stay down.
On another forum someone referred to their journey as not so much a Sprint to the finish line but a long marathon which is very relatable imo.
I am glad you have positive people /neighbors near you- lean on them, stay far far away from people who are want to use.
Most of all, take care,
Carly
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Unread 03-03-2013, 11:13 PM   #70
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Thank you all so much! Carly, where in the world have you been!? I have missed you like crazy! Thank you guys so much for all of the encouragement. I am choosing to not look at this as a relapse, but as a little pothole I tripped on on my road to recovery. A relapse is defined as "falling back into a former state." I didn't fall back in, I simply dipped my toes in the water to find that it was not as comfortable and fun as I had remembered it. It is crazy how quickly we forget the misery alcohol put us through, when the stresses of life come flying at us. I must never forget the hell I lived in as an alcoholic. I must also never forget my near death experience that occurred because of my alcohol abuse. Today life is good because I am sober. I love you all.

Michael
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Unread 03-05-2013, 08:02 PM   #71
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Hey guys. The PAWS was almost unbearable today. I could barely hold onto my sanity as I rode up and down the roller coaster of emotions that I experienced today. It sucks right now, but I know it is only temporary.

Michael
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Unread 03-05-2013, 08:52 PM   #72
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Michael,
Don't struggle alone... reach out to your support system when you need it. That's what they are there for. They can help you through it.

Saint
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Unread 03-05-2013, 09:28 PM   #73
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Michael, with a support group you have phone numbers & sponcers to call on days like this. Don't try to do this alone. Look where are best thinking got us.
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Unread 03-05-2013, 09:48 PM   #74
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Thanks guys. Shortly after I got home from work I had a Bible study to go to, so I was around people that support and love me, and it really helped. I also have people at work that are recovering alcoholics that I can go and talk to on my tough days, so I am pretty well covered. I definitely should have reached out sooner today though, I let my emotions go way too far and I ended up blowing up on some people. All of this junk has got me drained so I am headed to bed. Love you guys.

Michael
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Unread 03-06-2013, 05:37 PM   #75
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Michael,

Hope all is well today.

Saint
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Unread 03-06-2013, 06:34 PM   #76
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Saint, it is going pretty good today. The emotions were a roller coaster again today, but not near as bad as yesterday. I talked to a girl at my work today who was an alcoholic and is 15 months sober. Tomorrow I am going with her to an AA meeting after work. Now that I am sober I realize how much I need to be around recovering alcoholics. I'm excited and kinda nervous at the same time. I will let yall know how it goes. Blessings.

Michael
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Unread 03-06-2013, 08:10 PM   #77
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Michael,

You're making good choices, good for you. And making new friends that will understand what you are going through, can help you through the tough moments. Our fears can hold us back if we let them. Things are hardly ever as bad in real life as they are in our head.

Take care Michael,
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Unread 03-06-2013, 08:49 PM   #78
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"Things are hardly ever as bad in real life as they are in our head." I love that statement! I'm stealing it. LOL!
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Unread 03-10-2013, 08:19 PM   #79
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Michael,

How was your weekend? Not trying to pry, just want you to know I've been thinking of you.

Take care,
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Unread 03-11-2013, 12:00 AM   #80
michaelc232
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Thanks Saint, and your never prying I always appreciate you checking on me. I guess I'll just make a long story short and say that I drank alot this weekend after going out with the same people that I went out with last weekend. I knew it was a bad idea, I just didn't care at the time. I ended up getting really drunk with a few people at this one guys house which led to me smoking crack for the first time. The high was pretty intense, but not like crackheads describe it as being this beautiful euphoric orgasm of the brain. I guess some people are alcoholics and some people are drug addicts. Either way this weekend was horrible, I made alot of stupid decisions and had to tell alot of lies to cover up my BS. I feel like crap, but I have to get back up from this and get back on my feet and start over again tomorrow. I don't want to go back to being the person I was before.

Last edited by michaelc232; 03-11-2013 at 12:01 AM.. Reason: Typos
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Unread 03-11-2013, 10:43 AM   #81
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michael, Thanks for telling the truth. You know what you are & what you have to do to stay sober. Good luck on your decisions.
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Unread 03-11-2013, 11:14 AM   #82
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Michael,

I appreciate your honesty. I am no expert on addiction but from my perspective the behaviors are the same whether an alcoholic or drug user. They are all an escape from what we don't want to face.

People, places and things Michael.... We often need to evaluate and remove ourselves from the people, places and things that lead us to use. It is hard for an addict to become sober if they constantly surround themselves with the very same things that lead them to use. Consider surrounding yourself with people that are sober, that have been where you are today. They know the challenges you face and can be readily accessible when you feel yourself on shaky ground. I have never personally been to AA meetings but that is one of the reasons it is highly recommended by addiction experts, because it works.

Sobriety is about lifestyle changes but that alone is often never enough. You will hear RLee often say he doesn't have a "drinking problem he has a thinking problem". Once our body and mind is clear of our drug of choice we often need to work on the things that caused us to use in the first place. For me that meant looking at myself, accepting myself for who I am and working on those things I don't like about myself.

I'm not judging you Michael because I know what you are going through. It takes what it takes.... keep thinking about sobriety and keep working towards that goal.

Regards,
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Unread 03-11-2013, 08:51 PM   #83
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You are amazing saint!
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Unread 03-13-2013, 05:28 PM   #84
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Thank you R.Lee and Saint. I am definitely picking myself back up, dusting off, and moving on. I will not let this disease destroy my life. I have so much to live for. I told my friend who I had been hanging out with that I am not going to be able to party with her anymore, and that I think she should reestablish her goals for sobriety as well. I told her if she wants to get sober, we can go through it together and be there for each other. I also told her that until we are at least one month sober each, we should not hang out outside of work. I have my determination back, and I will win this war. Thanks again.

Michael
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Unread 03-13-2013, 09:45 PM   #85
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michael, You have enough on your plate right now. Your sobriety has to come 1st. You can't afford to give anyone advise right now.
It comes down to people places & things. If she is not ready she will suck you right back into a life of addiction & drinking.
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Unread 03-13-2013, 10:26 PM   #86
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CarlyO View Post
Dear Michael,
First I am sorry about your fish but how amazing it is to feel again and that you are working hard.
As Lee posted above I also tend to believe our slips, relapses start on some level before we pick up. There will be always be people , places and things to trigger us, sometimes it feels at every turn but recognize it , think it through, talk it out , whatever it takes. you will become stronger, like now you are re-focusing and determined to not stay down.
On another forum someone referred to their journey as not so much a Sprint to the finish line but a long marathon which is very relatable imo.
I am glad you have positive people /neighbors near you- lean on them, stay far far away from people who are want to use.
Most of all, take care,
Carly
I can't believe I didn't notice you're back Carly! I'm sooo glad! I can't tell you how much I've missed you sweety! Life is good now.

Frank
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Unread 03-26-2013, 10:12 PM   #87
michaelc232
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Hey everyone! Sorry I have not posted in awhile, been kinda busy. I have had a couple of relapses, but I have continued to get back up and keep moving forward. I'm gonna beat this thing regardless of what it takes. I have recently began a new diet that is designed to reduce stress and emotional anxiety, I'm sure that will help since cravings always hit me during times of stress. I'm continuing to cut off People, Places and Things that are holding me back and triggering relapses. Hope everyone is doing well! Blessings!

Michael
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Unread 03-27-2013, 08:00 PM   #88
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michael, have you tried a support group of recovering alcoholics?
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Unread 03-28-2013, 05:11 PM   #89
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I have tried multiple groups, and honestly they are just not for me. Most of the people in the groups I have tried are older men, and all of them give me weird looks throughout the whole meeting due to my sexuality. It makes me feel very uncomfortable.
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Unread 03-28-2013, 09:37 PM   #90
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Michael,

I'm not sure how long you tried the groups. You may feel uncomfortable but I would give it another shot perhaps? It's your addiction you need to work on. I think most people would try to concentrate on helping you with your addiction and not worry so much about your sexuality. I wouldn't let a few errant looks keep you away. If the group thing doesn't ultimately work out have you thought of one on one counseling?? The ultimate goal is to work on your sobriety. Have you tried reading any books on addiction? There are many good ones out there as well as several autobiographies from celebrities that have fought addiction and won.

Don't give up Michael, it takes what it takes.

Stay safe,
Saint
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Unread 03-29-2013, 08:55 AM   #91
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Hi Michael, I saw in your profile that you're in Peoria. Here's a link to the Peoria Area Intergroup Association of AA which has contact information.
http://www.aapeoria.org/
Think about giving them a call and ask if they can recommend a better group for you.
Or as Saint said, just ignore the ignorant at the group you went to.

Also, this link has a list of peer support groups. I've heard good things about both LifeRing and SOS from people in the opiate forum.
http://www.alcoholanswers.org/resour...port-links.cfm

You can also try dialing 211, that's a referral line in most states usually run by the United Way. Or try calling your local hospitals, sometimes they have different support meetings right on the premises.

Just wanted to offer some more options.

Nancy
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Unread 03-29-2013, 10:49 AM   #92
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HI Michael: First thing, I am so sorry about your fish. I am just like you. A pigeon accidently hit our windshield and I was so upset, thinking did he suffer, is he dead, etc. Ugh!!! Anyway, I have been following your posts. I see you tried crack, please for the love of God, never, ever do it again. I was addicted for years and it will destroy you and take EVERYTHING from you. I have been clean almost 13 years by the Grace of God. It is important you go to meeting and get support. But the big one is "YOU HAVE TO BE READY TO QUIT AND SAY ENOGH IS ENOUGH! I AM SICK AND TIRED OF BEING SICK AND TIRED!!" That is when sobriety will come. I pray you will not hit a hard bottom as I did. Anyway, I am in Illinois as well and am praying for you. As for your sexual orientation, who cares!! My uncle (who recently passed) preferred those of the same sex and I loved him and his boyfriend!! People are ignorant to what they don't understand and fear what they don't understand. Once other's see the REAL you, the wonderful person I have no doubt you are, many people will be right there for you. Give them a chance. Hey, not everyone likes or accepts everyone. I say so be it, if you don't like me for me, then you are not worthy of my friendship!!!!! Stay strong, stay sober and we are here for you. I am about 45 min. from Peoria, nice to chat will a fellow Illinoisian!!! I am praying for you!! Julie
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Unread 03-29-2013, 03:27 PM   #93
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Quote:
Originally Posted by michaelc232 View Post
I have tried multiple groups, and honestly they are just not for me. Most of the people in the groups I have tried are older men, and all of them give me weird looks throughout the whole meeting due to my sexuality. It makes me feel very uncomfortable.

michael, Your sexuality should not be brought at a meeting unless you brought it up. They should talk about the 1st step.
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Unread 03-29-2013, 05:37 PM   #94
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Thank you all so much for the support! Saint, I thought the same as you, that it was about helping everyone that walked through the door to stay sober. All of the meetings that I tried, when it was my first meeting there was always somebody else there that it was their first meeting too. On top of all of the nasty and strange looks I received, after the meeting almost all of the men (there was hardly any women) that had been there awhile went up to the other first time guys and encouraged them to keep coming back, only 1 or 2 said anything to me and they all acted awkward. Yes, I am a little flamboyant and it is obvious that I am gay, but that does not mean that I am going to try to pounce on every man I see. I don't understand their actions. When I'm going about my daily life I could care less who looks at me strange, F them, but when I open myself up to receive help and get treated like that, it hurts. I may try some different support groups though. Nancy, thank you so much for the links, I will def have to see about checking that out. Julie, that is so cool that you live so close! Thank you for all of your encouragement, I'll be a week sober as of tomorrow. R.Lee, I didn't talk at either of the meetings or bring up my sexuality, but as with most gay men it is easy to tell that I am a homosexual. I don't like to accuse people of judging me for my sexuality because I know alot of homosexuals throw the "homophob" card at everybody that doesn't agree with them, but this was blatant and disrespectful ignorance. But like I said, I may try some more groups. Blessings.

Michael
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Unread 03-29-2013, 08:50 PM   #95
Frankie
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Hi Michael, and good to see you posting,

In my neck of the woods there are gay meetings. I'm sure you know that, but just in case look around. When I used to go to meetings it seemed that every one I went to without fail had someone that irritated me to no end, even to the point I almost lit em up. My sponsor at the time told me that meetings are frequented by nothing but sick people, and I just tried to let it go, but for me it was very hard. Just some thoughts.

Frank
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Unread 03-30-2013, 12:44 AM   #96
michaelc232
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Thanks Frankie!
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Unread 03-30-2013, 12:19 PM   #97
R. Lee
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michael, We alcoholics can be suspicious about how people see us.
You have not been able to stay sober by yourself.
Try another meeting. The subject should be in the 1st step.
Get phone numbers. Think that 1st drink through.
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Unread 03-30-2013, 02:05 PM   #98
michaelc232
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Thanks R.Lee, I definitely need to try some more meetings.
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Unread 03-30-2013, 07:13 PM   #99
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Michael,

Yes you may know you're not going to 'pounce' on every man you meet but they do not know how you feel. They may feel uncomfortable as well. Not trying to defend their actions, just putting that out there. I think communication is key here. Once they get to know you, understand you are just like them, looking for help it may help.

Hang in there, keep in touch.

Saint
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Unread 04-02-2013, 06:57 PM   #100
michaelc232
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I appreciate the perspective Saint, but I think I will just look for a more open-minded support group when I am ready to try one again.
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