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Unread 11-04-2015, 05:05 PM   #201
TwinMom
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I had another interview today but, alas my old job in fandango won't let me go. They just kept throwing more money at me and they're willing to give me the nights I need. I'll have to commute once a week, work 3 night shifts and then drive 2.5 hrs back home.

It's the best money, best hours, they can get me back to work ASAP and, the medical director of the hospital, is am addictionologist, who started me on subutex 6 months ago now.

I'm not going back on it. Unless something drastic happens.

Day 16 sucks a little physically. The Clonidine really wipes you out. I still can't handle solid foods but, keeping fluids down fine. We have church tonight. Everyone is napping. I'm about to do the same.

Thanks again guys,
As always,
Mel
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Unread 11-05-2015, 06:53 AM   #202
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Hi MommaMel, where will you stay when you're working at your old job? Can you cut down on the clonidine dose at all so it maybe doesn't wipe you out so much? Not being able to eat probably isn't helping much either. No energy. I hope the fluids you're able to keep down are nutrition drinks, so you're at least getting something.

(((hugs)))

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Unread 11-06-2015, 11:41 AM   #203
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Day 17 is proving challenging
I'm so over being sick & tired
I'm only taking my ADs now.
Still liquids only. Started broth Wednesday.
Clear liquids, Gatorade, water & broth.
The depression has really maxed out today.
I'm sending the twins away for the weekend.
Husband and I fought till 4AM bc he expects
Too much of me. It's exhausting. I cut off a support
Group I've had for over 3 years. Tired of the judging.

Pray for me today.
Love you all.
Mel
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Unread 11-07-2015, 08:21 AM   #204
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Hi Mel, how are you today? I hope that you can get some rest this weekend. More than that, I hope your husband gives you a break and starts supporting you. Or at least stops judging and fighting. You NEED rest to heal. Emotional distress so many times manifests into physical discomfort, as you know.

I hope you can get into a quiet comfort zone and rest.

(((hugs)))

Nancy
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Unread 11-07-2015, 11:36 AM   #205
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Mel,

Aaaaaarrrrghhh to your husband. What a punk but trust me I can relate. I hope you are doing better today. I used to take clonidine for adhd but I am such a nutcase it didn't wipe me out at all. But you need your rest. I hope today is better than day 17 I think you said.

What state are you in? I wish I could send you some of the great weather we have been having here in Pennsylvania. What do you do for fandango? Do you mean like the website for movies? Sorry if it's a dumb question that's just what I associate fandango with.

How old are your twins? I bet that's rough having to take care of them as well as put up with hubby when you don't feel well.

Have a better day today!
Hugs,
Angie
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Unread 11-07-2015, 12:45 PM   #206
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Hi MommaMel, Hey it is great hearing from you again-not so great what is going on in your life right now.

As smart as you are, why in the world did you stop the medication at 8 mg. Another question, why did you even stop? Suboxone works as an anti-depressant for many folks and it sounds like you would be one of them! Hang what your "family" says about your medication-they are not medical doctors and I doubt if they would feel they could tell you to stop treatment for cancer, heart attack, diabetes, etc. Nor would you probably listen to them if they did! Keep it as a private issue between you and your doctor. There is no badge handed out for feeling miserable when there is something that could ease the situation. With your family and work I would think you need to stay physically on top of things to handle it all. Do what is best for YOU. I am just so sorry to hear of your sadness. Keep in touch! Can't believe the twins are soooo old! ha I remember when...

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Unread 11-08-2015, 05:35 AM   #207
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HEY GUYS!

Nancy, Nan & Angie

I think that yesterday was day 18. I FINALLY got crackers and soup into my diet. I mean, not to be gross but, there came a point that, in the liquid diet, the runs were so bad but, then there was nothing left in my GI system. Alas, I made sure I didn't dehydrate, I kept making urine so, I "think" I'm through the worst of it.

I'm sorry, Angie. My idiot android autocorrected to "fandago" from Swyping "Savannah". Lol. I'm an ER nurse. It's been 13 years since I stepped through those ambulance doors. Jesus, I'm old.

Today, I got up, showered, dressed & took Cana, my sister in law & 2 of Cana's friends out on a girls day. We went to lunch, went to Macy's, walked the mall, had Starbucks & then drove to a State Band Competition in town. We had so much fun. I spent all of my birthday money (and then some).

As soon as I got home, the husband LAID into me.
I, with the support of my mother and my eldest son Lee,
will be leaving him. Emotionally and spiritually we're already separated. We sleep in separate beds
I think this was the tipper. I'm putting plans, accounts, resources and support persons in place so, that when I go back to Savannah, I'm going with just the children.

He can visit them every weekend while I work nights.
Win/win. I can't bear the negativity. I actually Google "the long term affects of parental suicide on children."

So, yeah. Being kicked when your this low. Not ok.
Thankfully, that was my wake up call. A dear friend sent me this song, as in 5 minutes after I stopped crying.

Watch "Rachel Platten - Fight Song (Official Video)" on YouTube
https://youtu.be/xo1VInw-SKc

So, I'm going back to see the medical director of the hospital in Savannah to be medically cleared to go back to work. He's also the addictionologist. I'm going to just lay it all out. If he thinks I should taper, so be it. 16mgs made me too tired. 8mg would put me to sleep after work. Maybe I just need to start over at a lower dose. Maybe 2mg strips? Cut in half.

It just pisses me off that I have been so miserable for no good damn reason. Nan, you're right. I am smarter than this. But, you know, if I kicked IV oxy & fentanyl, I just felt like I could be Ms. Badass again.

But, I now I remember how I was able to kick it.
With Suboxone, therapy & a lot of work.

Thanks for the perspective guys,
Much Love,
Momma Mel
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Unread 11-08-2015, 08:14 AM   #208
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I am so proud of you MommaMel!!! You deserve so much better, and I'm thrilled to see that you're going to do it. It sent shivers down my spine reading that you were that desperate that you googled that phrase. I can't even retype it.

Yes, talk about maybe even being prescribed bupe to either taper off better or, if the ADs are not helping for refractory depression. 8mg is still a big dose, especially if it was making you go to sleep after work, that was way too much too. You may only need to go 1mg like you said.

Now, go make that explosion because we believe that you still have a lot of fight in you.

(((hugs)))

Nancy
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Unread 11-08-2015, 09:54 AM   #209
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Ok, so I just caught up with everything....holy shit Mel. You have alot of different things going on. Way too much if you ask me.
I think its a good idea to let the husband go. If you dont have support from the person you married who said "in sickness and in health" while saying their vows, well then, you dont need them in your life anymore. Its just not worth it. Life is way too short.
I also think its a good idea to go back to the subutex at 1mg since you feel so bad still, I cant believe how you could stop at 8mg and handle it like you did. I would never ever be able to do that. Ever. Like Nan said, (which by the way, hello Nan, I didnt even think you came here anymore. I havent heard from you in almost a year)if you look at it like any other disease that you need medication for, you wouldnt just Ct it like that, you would take care of your health. You have 2 little ones who depend on you. Dont waste time feeling like garbage and not enjoying them cause in the blink of an eye, in a heartbeat, it can all be taken away from you. So, get back to your best self, and who gives a shit if its with subutex. Seriously, what the hell does it matter? Quality of life, as Nancy always says, right?
And Mel, thanks again for calling me "your person". I am humbled by it. I send you love and hugs and good vibes, the best that I can give you.
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Unread 11-08-2015, 11:47 AM   #210
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UGLY CRYING! Thanks a ton! It's happy cry.

Oh, I am so relieved you guys.
My mom sent me money, in my my new solo account.

I'm driving to Savannah in the morning, first stop is the addictionologist. Plus, I need medical clearance anyways. So, yeah. I'm going to be ok. I was up from 130 this morning until 7AM. Rosie & James kept tag teaming me, waking me up.

So, it's 10:40AM. I'm going to make a last ditch effort to change the twins, change myself, and get Cana's butt in gear!

Yeah, Lee is getting MARRIED to his girlfriend of almost 2 years now. He's going to ask her dad, propose before boot camp and then we'll have a proper wedding. He sent me this. I also ugly cried.

Watch "Ballerina Wedding: Surprise Groomsmen Dance" on YouTube
https://youtu.be/Qv3fBxPY9zE

Nothing, is as important, as watching this video, in your life, right now. Best minutes this morning! I laughed until I hurt, then ugly cried. So sweet.

Thank you guys!
Love you
Always,
Momma Mel
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Unread 11-08-2015, 12:02 PM   #211
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And Deanna, think about it,

We were soul mates decades ago.

12 years ago, if I had a boy,
his name would have been Canaan.

Since I had a girl, I named her Cana.

So, it seers in my heart that, you are my person.
/gavel/
I love you, truly I do.

Your Mel
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Unread 11-09-2015, 08:09 AM   #212
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Hi Mel, you are going to be ok. You're going to be more than ok!!

What a fun video! Is Lee going to dance for his bride like that?

Drive carefully today. Will be thinking of you!!

(((hugs)))

Nancy
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Unread 11-09-2015, 08:56 PM   #213
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Ok I got medically cleared by the dr.
He rx 8mg subutex to cut into 4ths.
So 2mgs daily for now. He said I was
An idiot for jumping at 8mgs and couldn't
Believe I almost mature it 3 weeks (tomorrow)
Just got home from Savannah. 5hrs round trip.
I'll fill the Subutex tomorrow. I'm so tired.

But, I got my job back! Again! And I don't have
To be miserable. You ask were right, per usual.

Post more tomorrow.
So much love,
Mel

P.s. Nancy, he's already talking about hiring a choreographer. I better get to work this weekend!
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Unread 11-10-2015, 11:37 AM   #214
GirlGettingOffSubs
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Hey momma Mel,

Forgot to say before, you are not old! What the heck! I have been a nurse over 10 years now, though not working for a year now. So there. And I went and got a bachelors in marketing before I went back to nursing school, and I waited about 2 years after first degree to get the second.

Also, I am glad you won't be so sick and miserable now! I'd think about taking 1mg first to see how you feel, after 3 weeks 2mg might be too much. Heck even .5mg might nip it in the bud.

Okay that's just my two cents.
Hugs
Angie
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Unread 11-11-2015, 12:08 AM   #215
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Hey AS Family,

You were right. I filled the 8mg sublingual tabs. 30 of them. He told me to cut them into 4ths but this particular brand, the tablets are larger and can easily be cut smaller, almost into 8ths, which is 1mg.

So, I used the good rx website, got the coupon numbers and only paid $80 for the generic Bupenorphine at Walmart. I got home around 430pm, took my time with a pill cutter and cut them into 4ths, as my dr instructed.

I figured, if only the first dose, I would like to fill my very empty opiate receptors, almost like a loading dose? So, I used the smallest piece of the tablet I cut into 4ths.

Within minutes, my brain was recalling data quickly again the lethargy took an immediate hike, the sneezing stopped the only complaint I have is a little nausea & a headache.

I'm probably going to go ahead and go to bed. Sleep off the headache and get back to cleaning this house in the morning. Cana helped me, after I had my first dose, just picking up 2 rooms in the house. It felt so good to accomplish something!

So, it looks like I'll be back at work before the weekend. My last step is tomorrow, signing all the commitment paperwork with the nurse recruiter. She'll notify my manager and IT will reactivate all my system logins.

Say a prayer that everything works out and that I can be consistent cutting these tabs smaller than 4ths. I felt kinda loopy on less than 2mgs. I think I'll try 1mg tomorrow. I just can't believe how STRONG this stuff is.

No wonder I was tired all the time.
My mood is better. I just, I'm so thankful I listened to you guys. You have so much wisdom. Thank you.

I'll be in touch.
But I'm actually going to be ok!
Love you all,
Momma Mel
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Unread 11-11-2015, 06:57 AM   #216
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Hi MommaMel, maybe you'll only need 1mg, especially as Angie said, you've had nothing for 3 weeks. If it ends up being 1mg, maybe the doctor can prescribe the 2mg tablets to make it easier to cut.

Yay! Working before the weekend! It's a lot you're taking on between going back to work, moving and the divorce; so please don't burn yourself out. Make sure you sneak in 'you' time.

Yes, you are going to be ok!

(((hugs)))

Nancy
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Unread 11-11-2015, 08:55 AM   #217
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Oh don't worry, Nancy.

My entire exit strategy will take several weeks. I'll be lucky to be officially out of here by the new year. I'm going to nap before the littles get up. For some reason, it's like my brain was waking up and I didn't sleep well.

However, I think this is just a temporary side effect, if I remember right? Anyways waking up with little to no pain is just awesome! I'm going to go ahead and call the nurse recruiter to email me the paperwork, so we cam finalize this dealio!

Thank you for supporting me.
Huge hugs to you, Nancy.
Xoxox, Momma Mel
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Unread 11-11-2015, 03:24 PM   #218
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Momma Mel,

Yay! Good for you, i am so glad you are feeling better. I don't remember waking up at night a lot when I was on subs, no more than usual. I am glad you are working on an exit plan, that is so inspirational to me especially since my bf is getting meaner and meaner the more benzos he takes. Sigh.

Congrats on the job too, that's awesome! You are amazing
Hugs,
Angie
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Unread 11-12-2015, 07:03 AM   #219
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Hi MommaMel, good, glad it's not a time crunch rush to leave. What time did you take the bupe the other day when you didn't sleep? Many people can't take it noon or later because it does just that. I'm glad it's taking care of your pain. Is it also helping with depression?

I love the influence you're having on Angie too.

(((hugs)))

Nancy
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Unread 11-16-2015, 08:55 AM   #220
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hello Mel. Glad to see things are looking up. You know, every time you wrote Cana, I immediately thought of Canen, so I smiled real big when you said if she would have been a boy, the name would be Canaan. Very cool.
I had a hard time cutting those pills up, they always broke in a million pieces. I cant wait til the day when its over for good.
talk soon hugs, Deanna
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Unread 11-17-2015, 05:59 AM   #221
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Hi MommaMel, just checking in to see how you're doing.

(((hugs)))

Nancy
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Unread 11-19-2015, 12:10 AM   #222
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Guise,

I'm good. I worked a 4 night stretch just taking the 2mg of Subutex before I went to bed. I've had zero problems. My mood is stable, happy & positive. My pain is okay. I think I have the beginning of cellulitis in my left lower calf, foot &able. I have at least 2+ pitting edema. The redness has gone only bc I started the Cipro today.

After being on my feet 12 hours, 4 days in a row, the fluids and blood begins to pool down my legs. This is the first time it became terrible. Wake up call to me. Less salt, compression stockings & keeping my feet UP!

Thank you guys so much for checking in on me.
I'm ok. I'm gonna make it.
And, I'll be in a much better situation this time next year.

Love, love, love you guys.
Thank you,
Mel
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Unread 11-19-2015, 06:32 AM   #223
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Hi MommaMel, my favorite parts of your post. "My mood is stable, happy & positive." and "I'm ok. I'm gonna make it.
And, I'll be in a much better situation this time next year."

Hope your calf, foot and ankle are much better today.

Has Lee found a choreographer?

(((hugs)))

Nancy
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Unread 11-20-2015, 02:04 PM   #224
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Hi momma Mel,

Glad things are going well for you and your attitude for sure! Keep those feet up, I understand totally, we never sat down at work hardly, and my feet would swell some days, pretty bad depending on if my socks were tight. . Ah, cankles.

I heard fight song this morning and thought of you as always. Do you work on the weekends? Any plans? How things with your husband/roommate? Does he have any clue about your plan yet? Keep me posted for sure, I am interested.

Okay my friend, take gentle care!
Hugs,
Angie
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Unread 11-24-2015, 05:38 AM   #225
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Hi MommaMel, just checking in to see how you're doing and how your edema is.

I hope that you and your kids have a happy Thanksgiving. Or will you be working?


(((hugs)))

Nancy
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Unread 12-01-2015, 06:05 AM   #226
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Hi MommaMel, just me, being a pain in the butt checking in on you.

(((hugs)))

Nancy
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Unread 12-02-2015, 05:51 AM   #227
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Hey guys!

Checking in from the triage booth.
Just cleaned out the lobby.
I have 101.5 hrs on my upcoming paycheck.

My issue with the swelling was a superficial blood clot in my left leg, from where I hit it on a bench, got a bruise, swelling and a resulting superficial blood clot. It's no big deal. I take a 325mg aspirin everyday & now I'm on Keflex for the redness & swelling.

I'm leaving from work at 7AM and driving back home to see my babies! Lee is coming to visit for lunch tomorrow. I'm beyond excited. Just finished 6 x 12 hr night shifts in a row.

Life is good. I go see the medical director/addictionologist Friday afternoon, right before I come back to work my night shifts.

I'm sticking with 2mgs for now. I have a ton of the 8mg tablets left. I'm doing what I gotta do to stay mentally, physically & spiritually healthy.

Things are better with the husband & I since I've been working so much. Go figure. He home schools Cana everyday & takes care of the twins, so I can work. He's doing school online full time now & running the salsa business with our partner. I'm willing to reevaluate or relationship and see if we cam work through our differences with the help of a counselor.

We'll see. I'm just ready for healthy choices and a healthy home.

Thanks for checking in with me guys.
Every little thing, is gonna be alright!
Xoxox, Momma Mel
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Unread 12-02-2015, 08:11 PM   #228
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Hi MommaMel, I'm glad you found out what the swelling was from and there's something that can help you with it. You must be back home now with your babies. That's such a long a long week. That's not a lot of time in between those shifts, will it always be that way?

I hope that things will be better with your husband when you are home. Maybe he is realizing how much you do at home and he better appreciate you more! I trust that you will make the decision about your marriage which will be the best one for you because that, in turn, is the best one for your kids also.

Enjoy your time home!

(((hugs)))

Nancy
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Unread 12-15-2015, 06:30 PM   #229
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Hey Nancy, Angie, Deanna & the rest of yous

Things are going okay here. We're getting out the citrus cranberry relish ingredients together tonight in the salsa shop with the team. I had 2 nights off work in Savannah, so I came home to visit with the family. I've mainly just been resting. I had 130 hours on this last pay period.

Our staffing in the ER is just a mess. So many new people & new grads. There are only a few of us core members left with experience on nights. The rest keep transferring to other departments or get transferred to dayshift.

So, work has been a huge stressor. They offered us bonuses to sign up for overtime. After we all signed up for overtime, they decided against the contracts. So, it was a pretty dirty trick, in my opinion, to get the department staffed and then not pay us the bonus contracts they offered to us by email.

Anyways, so I'm heading into a class tomorrow morning at 6AM. Then I'll have to nap and work tomorrow night. After doing holiday salsa orders tonight. I have a feeling I'm going to be pretty wiped. And that is just the start of my work week. I'm only going to be working from Wednesday nights until Friday nights. Until further notice. If I feel like picking up extra, then I will. But I'm not going to schedule myself well over 60 hours a week, with no incentive.

Other than that, things are okay. I'm still splitting the generic 8mg Bupenorphine Dissolving Tabs into fourths. That way I'm pretty consistent with 2mg daily. I think I've dinner well with it, enough to try to taper on this upcoming visit.

My insurance was out of force when I took off a month. I just crossed into 1800 hours for this past year. So I am eligible for our company health insurance this month. I missed my appointment with the addictionologist last month but, told the secretary (his wife) what happened and that I had plenty of meds to carry me through until I get my insurance back in force.

So far, so good. Just wanted to check in & let you guys know that I'm still sober. Making progress at home, work & business. I'm also going to attempt to taper lower on this next visit!

Thanks for caring, Nancy & Co. !!!
We'll all weather these storms
Xoxox, Momma Mel
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Unread 12-16-2015, 06:33 AM   #230
NancyB
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Hi MommaMel, how did the salsa team do? That is absolutely ridiculous what they did with that offer! Is it even legal to do that? You're working a crazy amount of hours anyways, I hope you hold your ground and don't work extra for no incentive. Will you be home for Christmas?

Good job with the 2mg. Just remember, if you can taper, fine, if not, it's just not time yet. Don't put any unnecessary pressure on yourself.

Did Lee find a choreographer??

I hope you and yours have a Merry Christmas!!

(((hugs)))

Nancy
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Unread 01-01-2016, 07:34 AM   #231
NancyB
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Hi MommaMel. Just wanted to stop by and wish you and yours a very happy and healthy 2016!

I hope you are well and taking care of yourself!!

(((hugs)))

Nancy
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Unread 01-01-2016, 07:45 AM   #232
GirlGettingOffSubs
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Hi momma Mel,

Just wanted to say hello too and happy new year! That really stinks about your work, yikes. I agree with Nancy too, take your time. No rush. How's things at home? .

Hugs,
Angie
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