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Unread 04-20-2017, 12:10 PM   #1
LaLa81
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Unhappy Just found out my boyfriend of 3yrs is a cocaine addict.

At this point I really don't know what to do. I'm lost. I love this man so much. Our relationship is falling apart. He is so angry for no reason at all. He accuses me of cheating. He is also a heavy drinker on the weekends. When he goes out with friends he gets so drunk that he has to pull over on the side of the street and go to sleep. Some nights he doesn't sleep. I knew something was wrong. We talked about getting married last year. Now he tells me that I get on his nerves and he will never marry me. He sometimes looks at me with disgust in his eyes. Like, I don't know what happened. I can't get him help because he says he doesn't need help. He says he only do it 3 times a month but I know better. He keeps a cold year round. The sad part about it is he is all I have. He helps with my kids and he pays bills. I don't know what I would do without him. I haven't heard from him in two days. I don't know if he's with another woman or what. I'm so lost and confused.
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Unread 04-20-2017, 03:31 PM   #2
NancyB
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Hi LaLa81, I'm sorry to hear what you're going through. But the sad truth is that he is right. You can't help him, not because he doesn't NEED help; but because he doesn't WANT help.

Do you live in the same house - sorry, I didn't want to assume anything. Has he gone this long without contacting you before?

Do you have family or friends that you can stay with until you get on your feet? He doesn't seem to be doing you much good and I'm not sure he's doing your kids any good if he's constantly under the influence of cocaine and/or alcohol all the time.

You need to think of you and your kids and do the best thing for your family.

Nancy
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Unread 04-20-2017, 06:31 PM   #3
LaLa81
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No, I don't have any family I can stay with. My mom is on a fixed income and she has people living in her house. We don't live together. I bought a house thinking we were going to get married. He helps pay the bills because it's too much for me to handle alone. I still haven't heard from him. I guess he is mad with me for whatever reason. He is just always mad. He is a bit older than me so I know at times I probably do agitate him. I don't know what to do at this point. When he is himself he is such a wonderful person. I don't understand why he is doing this to himself. He is really hurting me and he knows it.
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Unread 04-20-2017, 06:53 PM   #4
NancyB
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Hi again, not to be negative, but have you checked with hospitals or check to see if he got arrested? Basing it on what you've said about his driving under the influence, either one could be a possibility.

It really doesn't sound like a healthy relationship if he's always angry. Not fair to you at all. And what he's doing now - especially if he is ok - and is not contacting you out of spite. Maybe it's time to sit down and make a list of pros and cons of being with him. Be totally honest with yourself. Another way of looking at the situation is by reading your posts as an outsider - what would you tell someone else to do who is in your situation.

You deserve better than this.

Nancy
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Unread 04-20-2017, 10:19 PM   #5
LaLa81
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So He finally called. He acted like nothing was wrong with what he did. He said he was busy with the usual things. He had the nerve to ask how my day went. Like, I feel like I don't know him any more. He never said sorry for not calling, he just act like nothing was wrong. I'm fed up right now. I've been crying all day, at work and at home. I really didn't say too much to him. I was blind to what cocaine addiction is. I didn't know anything about it until I got online and researched it. The entire 3 years he has lied to me when I ask him about things. Now I know what's going on. I can't believe he has been lying to me this whole time. I can't believe this!!!!!!
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Unread 04-20-2017, 10:23 PM   #6
LaLa81
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I feel like he tricked me into falling in love with him. I have been through pure hell since I was a child. He made me feel safe with him, he coached me into trusting him. He played with my heart and with my kids hearts. Be basically lifted me up and threw me down. That's how I'm feeling right now. I feel betrayed!!!!!
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Unread 04-21-2017, 08:14 AM   #7
NancyB
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Wow, that's crazy that he acted like nothing happened. Can you make it on your own if you had to? I hate to ask, but has he been abusive to you?

How do you think he'd react if you asked him to go to couples counseling? Maybe that could be a first step to him getting addiction counseling?
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Unread 04-21-2017, 09:46 AM   #8
LaLa81
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I would have to move out of my house if I left him. No, he has never been physically abusive to me but emotional abuse, yes. He loves me I know. But this drug is taking over him. I can tell. It's taking him down. He just can't see that. He would not go to couples therapy because he don't think anything is wrong. He can't really see what's going on between us.
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Unread 04-21-2017, 11:47 AM   #9
NancyB
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I don't know how someone could love someone, truly love someone, yet be emotionally abusive. Any type of abuse is not love. Could his 'love' be more of a control thing for him towards you. You bought a house, yet he didn't move in, but he helps you with the bills so you're kind of stuck with him. He does what he wants, no thought of how it will effect you. Those things don't sound like love, but control.

If you don't feel talking with him will get you anywhere, could you write him a letter. That way he can read it when you're not there. Do you think that would help, or would it be something he would hold over you - more control.

All this is my opinion, from the outside looking in based on what you've said.

I just want you to have control of what YOU want to be happy and healthy.
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Unread 04-21-2017, 12:39 PM   #10
LaLa81
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After he told me about his cocaine use, he used it while I was in the room with him. It made him want to talk more and he acted calm when I brought up things that bothered me. Maybe I can talk to him if I know he has been doing cocaine. I don't know. It's so confusing to me because I don't know if he lying about his use or not. He says he only do it 3 times a month. He acted calm and cool when he was on it but maybe that was a lie also. He can get real angry to the point where I am afraid to say anything to him. I have tried writing letters to him and he doesn't like that. He said it's best if we talked but talking never gets us anywhere. So now I'm questioning is the drug making him angry?? I was in a previous long term relationship and it was very physically abusive. After our breakup I was told he was using cocaine. I guess I'm back in the same situation without the physical abuse. I really want to get him help, I really do. This man has done so many great things for my kids and I. I hate to lose him to this drug.
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Unread 04-22-2017, 07:19 AM   #11
NancyB
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Hi again, this is an interesting short article:
https://easyread.drugabuse.gov/conte...-and-addiction
So it looks like the cocaine could be making him angry. Does he always drink when he uses cocaine?

How often are the two of you together - do you see each other daily for the most part?

I'm not sure talking with him while he's impaired is a good idea. He can always say that he was impaired and has no recollection of the conversation - just to get out of something. You're in a tough situation, but it sounds like he has a real problem, not just with cocaine 'three times a month' but also with alcohol.

Did you see him last night?
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Unread 04-27-2017, 11:18 PM   #12
LaLa81
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I don't see much of him unless I go to his house. He lies all the time saying that he's coming over to spend the night but never comes. I think he does this so I won't pop up at his house to see he's with another woman. I honestly think he's involved with another woman. At this point I'm just taking it day by day. I'm trying to find a way to work 2 jobs and take care of my kids, which seems impossible. I have been on his social media page and he talks to other women and tells them that he loves them. He feels like he can do whatever he wants because he knows I need him. No one really knows about his drug habit. His close friend doesn't even know. He is doing a good job by hiding his addiction from people. He has everyone fooled. But I won't dare say anything about it. Everything done in the dark must come to light.
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Unread 04-28-2017, 06:48 AM   #13
NancyB
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Is there any way you could sell your current house and maybe move into one that you could afford without him? (Sorry if that's a stupid question without knowing the situation.) How old are your kids?

You are right though, and I love what you said here: "Everything done in the dark must come to light."

It really sounds that except for the financial side of it right now, you are much better off without him.

Nancy
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Unread 04-30-2017, 11:00 PM   #14
LaLa81
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I really don't want to sell my home. I have put so much into it. My kids are small ranging between 4 and 12. We spent the weekend together. He says he loves the kids and I. He even gave me his business debit card and told me whatever we need, get it. He said he is trying to get his life together. And me making him angry doesn't help. He says I need to let go of the past and move on. I just want him to get help. It hurts me to know what he's suffering with. He is losing weight and people are starting to notice that something isn't right. Not only is it hurting him, it's hurting me also. I can't leave him like this. I need to get him help.
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Unread 05-01-2017, 12:52 PM   #15
NancyB
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Hi LaLa81, is he honestly trying to get his life together or is he just saying that to keep you there. Just some food for thought. If he's really trying, then he should not be upset if you asked him if he would take a drug screen every once in a while - unannounced. It would keep him accountable and it would let you know what the truth is.

Something to think about.

Nancy
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Unread 05-15-2017, 10:10 PM   #16
LaLa81
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So I found out he uses cocaine way more often than he said. It's an every day thing. I have tried to talk to him about it but he said he doesn't have a problem and he is going to be fine. I must admit I did it with him a couple of times but that's it. It's something I won't ever do again. So I guess that's why he is slowing showing himself. Maybe because I made him feel comfortable doing so. But this isn't anything I am condoning. I'm totally against this. I don't know what to do. I'm stuck.
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Unread 05-16-2017, 06:59 AM   #17
NancyB
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Hi LaLa81, that's so sad to hear that he lied to you about the frequency of his cocaine use. I don't really know what to say especially when he doesn't think he has a problem at all. What do you think his reaction would be if you told him that you don't want him around your kids if he's been using it? Or that YOU don't want to be around him when he's using it?

I know you're dependent upon him financially; but is there any way you can make up for what he contributes to your household that would also work for you and your kids? Are there any work from home opportunities you can do? Depending on your hours at work, can you babysit in your home or pet sit? Just trying to think of things that may work.

Nancy
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Important disclaimer: Any information in this post is not and does not constitute medical advice under any circumstances. Addiction Survivors, Inc. does not warranty or guarantee the accurateness, completeness, adequacy or currency of the information contained in or linked to the Site. Your use of information on the Site or materials linked to the Site is entirely at your own risk. NEVER take any online advice over that of a qualified healthcare provider. Any information contained on AddictionSurvivors.org should only serve to inspire further investigation with credible, verifiable references sources such as your physician or therapist.
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Unread 05-17-2017, 09:29 PM   #18
LaLa81
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As of now I'm trying to find a second job that will take up his part. It's sad and frightening how this drug is doing him. He tries to stay away so I can't tell a difference but I see it anyway whenever he comes around. I just don't get it. I saw him today and he looked so bad. My heart is heavy, not because of how bad our relationship has gotten but how this drug is taking him down. I love this man so much. I am going to leave him because of something he said to me last night which was very out of character for him. But I won't give up on getting him help. I thought since he is in his 50's it was too late for him to get help. But I have been doing some research and found out that a person is never too old to turn away from drugs. I'm a little scared to leave him, not knowing how he is going to react. I don't know if he is just going to let me walk away or try to keep me here. But it's a risk I'm willing to take. I'm so unhappy.
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Unread 05-18-2017, 05:22 AM   #19
NancyB
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Hi LaLa81, it is never too late for someone to get help - IF they want it. Do not feel like YOU failed in any way if he turns down the help. That's on him, not you. We've seen over and over again that those who are forced (legally, or out of guilt) to get help do not do as well as those who truly want to get better.

Most important right now is you and your kids.

Nancy
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Important disclaimer: Any information in this post is not and does not constitute medical advice under any circumstances. Addiction Survivors, Inc. does not warranty or guarantee the accurateness, completeness, adequacy or currency of the information contained in or linked to the Site. Your use of information on the Site or materials linked to the Site is entirely at your own risk. NEVER take any online advice over that of a qualified healthcare provider. Any information contained on AddictionSurvivors.org should only serve to inspire further investigation with credible, verifiable references sources such as your physician or therapist.
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