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Unread 05-02-2017, 06:20 PM   #4501
soapdish
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Hi Alexis,

Keep it simple is the best advice.
'Worrying is like paying back a debt you may never owe'...remember these words from Millie. And remember HALT.

I hope you had something warming to eat and a little rest. Everything is so much worse when we are hungry, angry, lonely or tired and I would also add bored to that, but it'd ruin the acronym!

I think you are doing everything so right and I'm proud of you for continuing with the gym, healthy eating, being busy, being proactive. But maybe it's not enough for you in this particular moment of time and it would be useful to talk to a professional again face to face. Apart from Clive and your GP, I still think that The Sanctuary would be worth dropping into. Having somewhere to go or someone to call in those moments when it's just all too overwhelming could be helpful to you and harmonise the need for increasing the meds.

I also found these for you sweetie because you are my sister and you truly deserve a better day. Take a look. Maybe there's something there for you.

https://www.selfhelpservices.org.uk/...being-service/

http://www.mhim.org.uk/document_uplo...flet_0039a.pdf

https://www.selfhelpservices.org.uk/groups/

A bright diamond underground, my goodness what a metaphor Tryn. So true.

Hugs Alexis and I hope you enjoy your evening
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Unread 05-02-2017, 06:27 PM   #4502
Alexis
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Thanks R Lee, i surely will try!

SD thank you lovely

Yes need to remember HALT for sure. And i worked till 8.30pm and my hunger went off but i had some salmon and veggies after i stopped working. Made me feel better.

Got lots done, more sorted for the exhibition. Not long to go now.

I go up on the 17th May, for 5 days.

Bit anxious but when am i not...

Thank you for the links i will study them and yes thanks for reminding me again about The Sanctuary. Such an important service in Manchester.

Ive been in the self help service before but they said they cant do much as ive had such intensive therapy Which is strange but thats what they said.

This evening im not doing much, i may go to bed soon. Its meant to be sunny tomorrow which makes me smile. I will try to go to the gym in the morning.

Oh i heard back from the Personal Trainer and his fee is too high not sure what i expected but its too much which im kind of upset about but will just have to try keep motivating myself instead.

xx
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Unread 05-03-2017, 08:28 AM   #4503
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Hey all, 12.30 in the afternoon, sun is shining, blue sky, wispy clouds, very windy.

I was up at 9am, and out the house at 9.30am to head to the gym!!

Worked hard on strength training, no cardio today as one foot still very sore, kind of upset i cant do running, also wondering if its an excuse im using to not do it....which pisses me off alot. I will try make it tomorrow again and get a run in.

I also need to get some prints made up tomorrow and send them to a couple of people who have bought them.

On my way back from the gym i nipped into the garden centre and bought some sweet peas one of my favourite flowers. I will plant them later and water the garden.

Just had some eggs, and catching up on emails.

Tryn....a question for you....regarding the budgeting loan, i have already got one, about 3/4 years ago to help pay for a deposit to move into this house. Are you allowed to apply again? This could be a way to get a moped if my ESA is stopped....if my savings run out.

I wouldnt be able to get a normal loan as my credit rating is SO SO bad....

xx
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Unread 05-03-2017, 03:55 PM   #4504
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I'm glad you went to the gym! If your foot is hurting, do take time off from running. There's absolutely no sense in potentially making it worse. I'm glad you did strength training instead. I'm noticing with my own strength training, which is still new to me -- like just a month now -- I can tell I'm building muscle, but I still have fat, so i actually look larger. That will correct itself, but I'm having to force myself to be patient and not get discouraged!
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Unread 05-03-2017, 04:24 PM   #4505
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Thanks Millie, been going every other day and enjoying it, can feel it making a difference to my mood. Not losing any weight though....

Trying not to get too wound up about that fact and trust that it will come off if i keep working hard.

Just sat watching the football, about to have a shower and settle down for the night. Really tired tonight.

Done some gardening today, and work, and listened to music.

Feeling quite low as it gets to night time. Like always. Just dont know what to do to feel better at night!?

x
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Unread 05-03-2017, 04:33 PM   #4506
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Yep, it definitely takes time. Just stick with it.

What has made nighttime feel better recently? Meditation? Tea? Reading? Simpsons?
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Unread 05-03-2017, 04:52 PM   #4507
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Yes i will meditate and watch some Simpsons. I start getting worked up and cant think clearly to do the stuff that helps!! x
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Unread 05-04-2017, 07:55 AM   #4508
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Morning (just)

wow am i tired today, i thought i slept ok as well but im literally falling asleep on the sofa as i work...

Just off the phone to ESA, still no decision made or assessment date. I suppose i need to try to put it to the back of my mind.

Just got a little money for an exhibition im doing this month, ive put it straight into my savings for a moped. Feel a LITTLE better about being able to get one now. Still very touch and go but its looking a bit better.

I need to print off some work today and send it to people who bought it. Thinking i may need to lie down for 30 mins before hand though.

It is SO windy today, the sun is out but it feels cold due to the wind.

Going to be windy the rest of the week, i wouldnt mind but its annoying hahaha

and horrible to cycle in!!

Ok better get going...
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Unread 05-04-2017, 09:48 AM   #4509
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rest today Alexis for you.... It is windy here to, so we are alike.
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Unread 05-04-2017, 01:20 PM   #4510
Alexis
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Its 5pm, i just had a 30 minute nap. I suppose it helped! Got all my chores done today, somehow. Im quite impressed with myself really for getting it done.

Im craving fish and chips, mega craving it....oh man

Tonight i will try to read a little. Watch the football, maybe have a bath. Get an early night for sure if i can.

Feeling quite low still. But i will use techniques i know, like meditating and drinking tea, and Simpsons.

Today i realised how much booze adverts are all around...went to the shop to get some kale and £3 for 4 cans everywhere so hard to not indulge.

x
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Unread 05-04-2017, 02:34 PM   #4511
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Nice job on getting the chores done! I still have soooo much cleaning to do, it feels overwhelming. So I envy you your nice tidy place.

Can you make fish and chips at home?

And I know what you mean about alcohol ads everywhere. It can make it tough. But we're tougher than propaganda.
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Unread 05-04-2017, 03:26 PM   #4512
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hey Millie.

You must have read my mind, i made fish and chips at home, instantly regretted it though as i feel sick and too full and guilty that ive eaten crap.

*sigh*

Its 7.30pm but im thinking i need to go to the gym tonight to work off that FAT.

Just drinking lots of water to try not to go in to freefall....
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Unread 05-04-2017, 03:38 PM   #4513
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It's just one meal. And home-cooked fish and chips can't be that bad for you, can they? Even if they were from a package, probably still loads better than what you'd buy if you were out.

You'll work it off tomorrow.
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Unread 05-04-2017, 03:46 PM   #4514
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I guess so yes. I just feel ive done so well the past week and ive f*cked it up by being greedy very annoying.

I feel ill never lose weight!!
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Unread 05-04-2017, 03:52 PM   #4515
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It. Takes. Time.

I totally give myself a cheat day every week. You can't deprive yourself all of the time. You're still on track!
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Unread 05-04-2017, 03:59 PM   #4516
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ok, ok, ok i will calm myself down haha xx
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Unread 05-04-2017, 05:06 PM   #4517
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I feel loads better, the sky is pink, i just meditated, im cold but cosy, i have a cup of fruit tea and i can smell wood burning fires.

I can feel the Nothing, the darkness just behind me like a shadow, but i will try no to look at it, try not to let it get stronger tonight. I cant be bothered to be depressed tonight.

Thanks Millie for advising me xx
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Unread 05-04-2017, 05:17 PM   #4518
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mmmm.... fish and chips with lots of salt and vinegar.

One meal won't make a difference. Just eat healthily tomorrow and you're set.

If you are interested, I make chips at home like this:

Par-boil some potatoes, drain them and then dry them really really well. Coat them in just a tablespoon of olive oil or milk, toss them with your hands. You can add some pepper, tumeric, thyme, rosemary or paprika too at this point for variety. Bake them in a very hot oven for about 40 minutes. They come out really crunchy outside and soft inside.

I noticed that about the alcohol ads when I was last home in April. It seemed like there were even more than usual. We're stronger than propaganda. I really like that Millie.

Hugs and have a great evening.

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Unread 05-04-2017, 05:20 PM   #4519
Alexis
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Thanks SD your chips sound lovely! But i wont be having them for a while, i just feel guilty!!!

If i havent lost weight this week ill be so upset and mad at myself

Thinking of the pink sky, the fire and positive things though....

How dreamy. x
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Unread 05-04-2017, 05:28 PM   #4520
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"If I haven't lost weight this week...."

My trainer told me something very important when I told him I wanted to lose a few pounds. I want you to listen very carefully, because this is very important. Weight is not the important thing. Ignore the number. Please read that again: Ignore the number.

I was kind of mad when he said this. I've always been happiest about 10-15 pounds lighter than I am now. He said he wanted me to keep my weight the same, but replace fat with muscle. Yeah, whatever, I thought, but he knows what he's doing, I also thought. I am going with it and so far, I have actually gained a pound. BUT, I feel stronger, and I am giving it time.

I still was not convinced until I saw this article, with the photos. FLOORED. I am now 100% on board with being okay with whatever the scale says and judging by how I feel, and how my clothes fit. Seriously -- take a gander and read the numbers.

http://www.womenshealthmag.com/fitne...g-but-a-number
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Unread 05-04-2017, 05:35 PM   #4521
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woah yes thats a great point Millie. I also measure my waist so i know (like last week) if the scale doesnt move its not that im not doing anything right.

Last week i put on 0.6lb but lost half an inch off my waist! So i know im building muscle, i know muscle weighs more than fat etc.

Thing is the scale will come down, eventually, but like it says on the article, happiness, how clothes fit, how you look is more important.

xx
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Unread 05-04-2017, 05:41 PM   #4522
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I have actually saved a link to that article to my desktop so I can look at it whenever I get discouraged. I know she started out pretty thin anyway, but that her weight went up so dramatically AND she looks that much better is really an inspiration.
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Unread 05-04-2017, 05:55 PM   #4523
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it is true with muscle I picked up when I did weights, my son said your legs look so strong. You're really doing well Alexis with your goals and terrific things in work and everyday life. so happy and proud for you, when anything pops up in your mind, think for a second and push it away. It really helps to know those thoughts don't own you. have a good evening.
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Unread 05-05-2017, 08:55 AM   #4524
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Thank you LD what a lovely thing to say!!

Well I'm On the bus on the way back from the gym, I worked extra hard today to make up for last nights meal.

My calves still hurt when I run but probably cos I'm overweight? I hope as I lose weight that they don't hurt as much.

I felt stronger today, with the running and the strength training!

Last night I found some Dumbbells for £6 on eBay!! Crazy as they are usually £40 at least...a man was selling them cheap to get rid of them. He will even deliver to me on Monday for free!!! So I can do weights at home on days off from the gym.

It's sunny here, still windy but nice and sunny which helps my mood.

This morning on the way to the gym I stopped off at the cat lady's house to feed Hugo her cat. He is lovely and affectionate and seemed to like me. Will head over around 6pm to check he is ok again.

I'm tired but feeling good, as I always do after the gym! Aching but looking forward to a hot shower! Then I may read a bit and do some work.

Peace xx
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Unread 05-05-2017, 12:40 PM   #4525
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Good deal ! Calves are like that slow work up with running and those tiny muscle fibers adapt. If I ran three miles now mine would kill me the next 2 days.
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Unread 05-05-2017, 03:02 PM   #4526
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Thank you LD. Yes just need to keep working at it and ill get stronger!

That time of day again where my thoughts turn negative, but trying hard to be ok.

Back from feeding Hugo the cat, he is a sweetie. Nipped into the shops for some salad, came home, had dinner, drank lots of water. Doing good. But then my thoughts start stressing out!! Ugh.

Football is on tonight so should distract me a bit.

Tomorrow should be nice, i will make soup. And then make a pizza from scratch (even the base!) im kinda looking forward to doing some cooking/baking, then Everton play later on in the evening. Just going to relax tomorrow. So i should keep that in mind and have a nice night tonight.

Hate hate hate my thoughts at times. x
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Unread 05-05-2017, 04:01 PM   #4527
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You recognize those thoughts and so that is good, they are not you.
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Unread 05-06-2017, 08:22 AM   #4528
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Thanks LD

Well i went to bed early last night as i wasnt feeling too good. slept pretty well.

Put on a pound this week hahahahahaahaha how!? but lost half an inch off my waist. So i suppose im just building muscle arent i.

Anyway **** it.

Its 12.15pm, i have made veggie soup which is cooking away now. Im about to make pizza dough (how exciting)

Im working on my next exhibition as well and Everton play this evening.

Im feeling good xx
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Unread 05-06-2017, 08:52 AM   #4529
soapdish
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Sounds like a wonderful day!!!!
Wish I could come over for a slice, but I'll do origami while we watch the match if you don't mind

Lots of love
Xxxxx
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Unread 05-06-2017, 08:58 AM   #4530
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haha yes thats fine what a great day we would have!!!! xx
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Unread 05-06-2017, 01:44 PM   #4531
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have a fun weekend, muscle weighs more, that's why I gain so much weight, I'm very buff for my age, he...he....
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Unread 05-06-2017, 03:31 PM   #4532
Alexis
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well my day has turned to shit, i want to go out, im lonely, im fed up and cold, and irritated and pissed off.

Crap crap evening.
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Unread 05-06-2017, 03:39 PM   #4533
Millie
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You have the power to take control of it and avoid regrets tomorrow.
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Unread 05-06-2017, 04:34 PM   #4534
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You can do it Alexis, turn it into a good day for you.... It will pass these bad feelings, big hugs to you sweetie.
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Unread 05-06-2017, 05:16 PM   #4535
soapdish
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Don't give up. It'll pass.
Love to you
Xxxxxx
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Unread 05-06-2017, 05:34 PM   #4536
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sorry guys im going out. Fed up of fighting 'it' whatever that bloody is. Ill be sensible. Dont worry about me x
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Unread 05-06-2017, 11:59 PM   #4537
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Hi Alexis, take care today and have a good weekend.
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Unread 05-07-2017, 07:20 AM   #4538
soapdish
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Love and hot tea for you
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Unread 05-07-2017, 11:27 AM   #4539
Alexis
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*uhgh*

I got what i deserved. A day feeling like death. Feeling mega guilty about spending money i dont have, which brings anxiety about paying my bills. No sleep, i am exhausted.

I feel like an idiot.
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Unread 05-07-2017, 08:07 PM   #4540
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You are getting anxiety from trying to relief the anxiety. that's what I do and so I think it through and no that I will have so much anxiety if I drink, etc. I don't. I hope you rest and give yourself a break. deep breaths ....and big hugs to you.
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Unread 05-08-2017, 07:13 AM   #4541
Alexis
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Yes LD i think you are right.

Im going to try to be calm and nice to myself today. Eat nice healthy food, try to get out on my bike, nap, read, meditate.

I need to look after myself, there is only one of me.

x
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Unread 05-08-2017, 10:34 AM   #4542
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I think when you say you are going to eat healthy, it your goal, just think you met it with 1/2 a day of your definition of healthy. It's like saying "I'll never drink again" break it down into tiny goals to meet. Also, your main goal here is not drinking on this site. So if you meet that each minute, hour, day...you are way ahead. The rest is just extra. Sorry trying to explain this on my phone. Big hugs.
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Unread 05-08-2017, 04:23 PM   #4543
Alexis
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Hugs right back at ya LD

I feel so much better this evening, its 8.20pm, i've just had a lovely hot bath, with candles lit and music playing (i made a playlist of Bon Iver, Bob Dylan, The Beatles and Fleetwood Mac, bliss)

Just lay there thinking about my life, what i want to do, where i want to be...still no closer to the answers really but i definitely felt grateful in that moment, to have hot water and a cosy bed, and my cats, and a little garden. Sometimes i forget that. I get so lost in my drinking thoughts that i lose all sense of perspective.

The patio door is wide open and a cool breeze is hitting my warm skin and i love the calmness of it. I can see the pink sky behind the green trees and it makes me think that things might be ok. I am a tiny spec of dust in an enormous universe. Things don't revolve around me, i can just try to be the best person i can, health wise, body wise, be kind, help others, make art. Thats what i want to do.

I think ill go to a SMART meeting next week, just drop by and see what it is like. No pressure on myself, just see how it is and if it is something i can do.

Thanks for your patience with me xx
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Unread 05-08-2017, 05:44 PM   #4544
soapdish
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The trees ask me,
And the sky,
And the sea asks me
Who am I?

The grass asks me,
And the sand,
And the rocks ask me
Who I am?

The wind tells me
At nightfall,
And the rain tells me
Someone small.

Someone small
Someone small
But a piece
of
it
all.


by Felice Holman

Your post this evening made me think of this poem.

Big hugs to you Alexis. Keep it simple and take it day by day. Repeat that to yourself many times. Personally, these words have been helping me a lot in times of stress and anxiety. Great attitude about SMART.

Enjoy rest of evening
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Unread 05-08-2017, 06:00 PM   #4545
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Lovely poem SD, thanks so much for sharing. xx
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Unread 05-09-2017, 02:58 AM   #4546
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Hey all, good morning. Its 7am, i couldnt sleep. Probably the effects of the alcohol, probably anxiety, probably because i havent exercised for a few days.

Feeling very tired but up, cup of tea, patio doors open and a very cold breeze hitting me. Not looking like its going to be a nice day today bit grey out. But its only early it may improve!

Plans today will be more proposal writing, wait for a parcel (my dumbbells are arriving today, not sure what time the guy is coming though) and will try get to the gym at some point too...

Need to get there to shake off the weekend blues.

Peace xx
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Unread 05-09-2017, 06:00 AM   #4547
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Good morning my dearest, gifted Alexis. Bright blessings to you.

Dearest Italiano Soapdish, what a lovely, lovely poem.

Dear Alexis, as is Tryns usual way, i would like to tell you a little story. It is because you seem in a tad of a quandary as to where you are, what you want and whatnot. Your anxiety, depression, the drinking that you regret.....all boils down to where i have been for many a decade......what to do about it?

As you know Tryn is not a sizable fellow, and as a boy i was almost invisible so small was i.

At my posh school our "extra activity's" were those many dream of. 1 of them was Judo.

I did boxing......yet even the very strict regime i was under recognised that was quite ridiculous so was told it was Judo for me. How was i to know being tiny actually meant i had much more of an advantage over my gorilla of an opponent?

And so in life i have begun to use the same philosophy. I now use the power of my opponent against him/her/itself. My very prestigious instructor at the time always told me that the key to winning a fight was to "let the opponent beat themselves".

So to break it down Re Judo......as a tiny little bod....some huge chap would be shoving me and i would......."get out of da way and leave a leg out". Simple, yet terribly effective.

I actually got quite far, i could see the philosophy so very clearly. I felt empowered that a foe could be as big as a house and yet the bigger they came, the more empowered i felt.

So here we are....with foes inside us.

There are so many different ways to fight an opponent. Alcohol, anxiety and depression you can not attack, how ever much you try. They are much bigger than you. They always will be.

I no longer "ask out alcohol round the back for fisty-cuffs".........we always end up drunk together.

Nope, now i walk away.........if it comes after me....huge as it is......if i keep walking....it is on the ground and useless in no time at all.

"Probably" is not a helpful word, or feeling. It is a narrative to easy to follow. You can follow any narrative you want, you have the skills, the gifts and the desire.

The bigger your problems, actually the more powerful you are, and the more power you have.

Sounds ridiculous>?

So does a pint sized Tryn putting a 6ft foe on his arse. Happens though.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to you my dearest, gifted Alexis
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Unread 05-09-2017, 08:39 AM   #4548
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Thank you Tryn i love your stories. Even more the fact they have a powerful meaning!

Im not sure i feel very powerful yet, but i feel ok and thats alright today. I will keep pushing and one day i will be strong.

Love you Tryn xx
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Unread 05-09-2017, 04:06 PM   #4549
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Hey 8pm here, been quite sunny this afternoon, i've been cooped up working though, on some new art which i'm really pleased with actually.

My weights arrived, and i have done a workout with them this evening. Felt good to lift heavy things and work my body.

Eaten well today, no crap at all.

Feeling a little low as the night creeps in, trying hard to not feel bad though. I need to cycle to hand the cat lady her house keys back so will do that and have to pick up some milk on my way back. That gets me out the house and ill shower when home, then watch the end of the football.

I think i feel scared, and alone. I feel i'm building alcohol up to be a big demon, when really i just need to relax about it. The thought of not drinking is on my mind constantly, should i, shouldn't i....its killing me.

*sigh*

I just dont know.



Today though, im not drinking and ive exercised and eaten good and drank lots of water and thats good for me.

Oh, i have a real bad cold coming on, sore throat, cough, runny nose so when im back home ill be having a lemsip! ughhhh

xx
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Unread 05-09-2017, 05:38 PM   #4550
lostdog
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Feel better soon.
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