Addiction Survivors

Notices

Reply
Unread 04-07-2015, 06:03 PM   #101
DianeC
Senior Member
 
Posts: 121
Default

Alexis, everyone feels fragile sometimes. It's part of the human condition. Your decision to seek help and to acknowledge your needs makes you strong. You can do this. You CAN do this.
DianeC is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 04-07-2015, 10:13 PM   #102
Saint
Senior Member
 
Saint's Avatar
 
Posts: 2,364
Default

Alexis,

Many drink to self medicate. I am glad you have a Dr's appointment in the near future. I applaud you for also attending your community alcohol therapy session.
You are taking the actions needed to overcome your alcohol addiction and create a better life for yourself. You shared that you relapsed and that is what is important. You're acknowledging you are powerless over alcohol and need help to see yourself reach your goal. That is a huge step you are taking! Also know that as undesirable as it is relapse is often a part of the journey to a sober life. So put behind the shame, the embarrassment and continue to move forward. Learn from the past so you don't repeat the past. That is what is important.

You can do this. You are worth it!!

Ohh I almost forgot. I think it is not stupid to have a desire to be sectioned. It sounds as if it was a safe place for you at the time. I recall how shocked I was to hear that my alcohol counselor was ending our sessions. I mean I had been sober for maybe a year and she was cutting me loose. It caught me totally off guard and I was unprepared for how fragile that made me feel. It felt like the rug was being pulled from under my feet. In hindsight I think she was my safety net, someone I was unconciously relying upon for my sobriety. Now I had to be totally responsible and accountable to myself and I was shaken.

Continue to make sobriety the most important thing in your life. Keep it fresh in your mind. Learn about addiction and be honest and open with yourself. We move towards and become that which we think about. Where the mind goes the body follows.

Hang in there Alexis. You haven't done anything we haven't done. Keep working it!

Regards,
Saint
Saint is offline   Reply With Quote
One User Says Thank You to Saint For This Useful Post:
Thank You (04-08-2015)
Unread 04-08-2015, 03:38 AM   #103
Alexis
Senior Member
 
Posts: 3,724
Default

Thank you friends

Woken up today, early. Too early really as i have the bleary eyes and constant yawning. I think it was anxiety as i thought i was going to be sick.

But i have no hangover and i feel sort of fresh! I was able to snuggle in the covers for a while.

Got myself a cup of tea and just catching up on some emails, before i go to the garden centre for my FIRST DAY of my volunteering job. Im a little nervous, but it will be good to distract myself. And also its very sunny so be nice to be outside as well!
Alexis is offline   Reply With Quote
3 Users Say Thank You to Alexis For This Useful Post:
Thank You (04-08-2015), Thank You (04-08-2015), Thank You (04-08-2015)
Unread 04-08-2015, 09:46 AM   #104
DianeC
Senior Member
 
Posts: 121
Default

Good luck on your first day of your volunteering job, Alexis! That's a lovely thing to do on your way to a healthy lifestyle. You are brave to work on healing and hope for a bright future of wellness. You're in my thoughts, Alexis.
DianeC is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 04-08-2015, 10:17 AM   #105
R. Lee
Senior Member
 
Posts: 4,984
Default

Good luck Alexis with the job helping people.
R. Lee is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 04-08-2015, 11:42 AM   #106
Alexis
Senior Member
 
Posts: 3,724
Default

Im home, 4 hours of work, digging, weeding, planting new plants. I enjoyed myself very much. the sun was out, we were able to drink lots of tea and orange juice, the person leading the tasks etc was just wonderful and funny and lovely.

The lady i was partnered with was also very nice and as we got talking, it turns out she is a recovering alcoholic. so she told me lots of stories of relapse, detox, when she almost died. she takes antibuse (sp) at the moment. She told me gardening helps her a lot.

It is the first time ive spoken to someone face to face about how i feel and that they understand. It felt good and im looking forward to seeing her next week.

Im tired, and aching and muddy haha
Alexis is offline   Reply With Quote
One User Says Thank You to Alexis For This Useful Post:
Thank You (04-08-2015)
Unread 04-08-2015, 01:01 PM   #107
Millie
Senior Member
 
Posts: 2,442
Default

That is so great, Alexis!! I'm glad you have something to look forward to. Keep it up!!
Millie is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 04-08-2015, 04:08 PM   #108
Alexis
Senior Member
 
Posts: 3,724
Default

Guys, im wondering how you feel about non alcoholic beers. if i have a couple, am i still sober or cheating?

Becks Blue is the one in the UK that the local serves.
Alexis is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 04-08-2015, 04:16 PM   #109
R. Lee
Senior Member
 
Posts: 4,984
Default

X, Non alcoholic beer contains .5% alcohol. It is too close to the real thing for me to fool with. Like beer I could sit down & drink 20 non alcoholic beers. I could not drink 20 glasses of milk.
R. Lee is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 04-08-2015, 04:27 PM   #110
Alexis
Senior Member
 
Posts: 3,724
Default

Just been reading around. Becks Blue contains 0.05% so the tiniest bit.

My friend who is now sober after a very bad few years and ending in a coma one day, told me he drinks NA beer in social settings, and it is about finding what is right for you.

If having a couple of NA beers makes me want real beer, then dont drink it, if i can have a couple and not be triggered, it can become an ok alternative.

i just wondered if i drink a couple tomorrow at a party, am i still able to say im 3 days sober, etc
Alexis is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 04-08-2015, 05:13 PM   #111
Millie
Senior Member
 
Posts: 2,442
Default

Do you think it would be a problem for you to just drink soda or mineral water at a party, and let people know (if they notice and ask) that you're just not drinking right now? Or some other statement that works for you?

The reason I ask this is because I have a friend who for a while insisted on "mocktails" in social situations, and thought his friends thought of him as the cocktail guy -- the one who always had a drink in his hand -- and would think less of him if he wasn't drinking. He had to change that perception so that people could accept his decision. And to his own amazement, people were really supportive, unless they wanted to use him to justify their own drinking behavior. Which still happens, but now he has the perspective to understand that's what they're doing.
Millie is offline   Reply With Quote
One User Says Thank You to Millie For This Useful Post:
Thank You (04-08-2015)
Unread 04-08-2015, 05:23 PM   #112
nan
Senior Member
 
nan's Avatar
 
Posts: 2,398
Default

Alexis, In my opinion you will be playing with fire if you decide to drink those NA beers. You really need to focus on why you would choose to think about any alcohol consumption when you are working on sobriety. No need to explain to anyone why you are choosing soda or bottled water, in fact no one would probably even question it. If you think they will say something then plan your answer ahead of time-you could be honest and tell them you are no longer drinking, or that you are taking medicine that cannot be mixed with alcohol if they are a group that you don't know well. Secondly, if there is going to be alcohol at this gathering do you really have to go? Can you do something else in place of being around alcohol? I wish you the best and realize the difficulties in maintaining sobriety, especially when one is so new to recovery. Think of yourself first and take care of you!

nan
nan is offline   Reply With Quote
One User Says Thank You to nan For This Useful Post:
Thank You (04-08-2015)
Unread 04-08-2015, 05:28 PM   #113
Sam Bailey
Senior Member
 
Posts: 1,630
Default

Hi Alexis,

For what it's worth, I say: Stay Away from those non-alcoholic beers. Think about it, WHY are you drinking this "near-beer," anyway? Simple, you're trying to replicate the taste, and experience, of drinking actual beer.

Most likely, I think. That was my experience.

Ask yourself this:

Will it remind you of the Real Thing? Almost certainly it will. Will it trigger you to go out and get some of that real stuff? I can't know this. But what I think is this, yes it will.

Right now, Alexis, you're still in that mind-set. You have virtually NO time away from alcohol. You are is such a tender, vulnerable place. I get it, we all do. We have been there.

I mean really---how could drinking something so, so close to actual beer NOT trigger your cravings/urges?

Bottom line: WHY take the risk? Besides, as has been noted, it's not really "non" alcoholic, is it? 0.05% alcohol is STILL alcohol.

Have a tea; have a coffee; hell, have a darned milk shake. Just don't play with that fire. It's too damned hot. Certainly right now it is.

Think about it, really 'n truly. Do that and you'll know what's right for you. Just listen to the best part of you. Do that and you will find clarity, more and more often, more and more clarity.

All the above? In my own opinion, of course!

sam
Sam Bailey is offline   Reply With Quote
One User Says Thank You to Sam Bailey For This Useful Post:
Thank You (04-08-2015)
Unread 04-08-2015, 05:43 PM   #114
Alexis
Senior Member
 
Posts: 3,724
Default

Thanks for your replies.

maybe deep down i know i could drink something and pretend it was alcohol and that would be ok because its NOT alcohol.

Tonight im struggling with urges, and telling myself NA beer was ok, made the urges less.
Alexis is offline   Reply With Quote
One User Says Thank You to Alexis For This Useful Post:
Thank You (04-08-2015)
Unread 04-08-2015, 05:45 PM   #115
nan
Senior Member
 
nan's Avatar
 
Posts: 2,398
Default

Hello, There is a very interesting article regarding "non-alcohol" beverages. I am attaching a link to the article. Hope it is helpful-food for thought.

http://alcoholrehab.com/addiction-re...e-in-recovery/

nan
nan is offline   Reply With Quote
One User Says Thank You to nan For This Useful Post:
Thank You (04-08-2015)
Unread 04-08-2015, 06:10 PM   #116
Alexis
Senior Member
 
Posts: 3,724
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by nan View Post
Hello, There is a very interesting article regarding "non-alcohol" beverages. I am attaching a link to the article. Hope it is helpful-food for thought.

http://alcoholrehab.com/addiction-re...e-in-recovery/

nan
Thank you nan, i will read this now. Im starting to get a bit shaky so i think i will go to bed.

I did think NA beers could be good and the fact it maybe isnt has affected me quite badly x
Alexis is offline   Reply With Quote
One User Says Thank You to Alexis For This Useful Post:
Thank You (04-08-2015)
Unread 04-08-2015, 07:25 PM   #117
R. Lee
Senior Member
 
Posts: 4,984
Default

One week into my sobriety I was at a party for my daughter. They ran out of beer. They made a beer run & out of a act of kindness with out asking me they brought me a 12 pack of non alcoholic beer. To be nice I opened it & drank about 8 of them in a short time.

I took my sobriety so seriously that I started my sobriety date over again.
R. Lee is offline   Reply With Quote
2 Users Say Thank You to R. Lee For This Useful Post:
Thank You (04-09-2015), Thank You (04-08-2015)
Unread 04-09-2015, 08:36 AM   #118
lostdog
Senior Member
 
Posts: 2,942
Default

Hi Alexis, you like to garden too like me. It is so nice to get in the "dirt". Brings you close to nature. I heard if we get outside in a rugged natureenvironment frequently our heart rates and stress would be down so much.
I tried NA beer once, and I was like I want the real thing. I think it is a pathway to drink for me. I avoid it because the taste is a small dose of the real thing. Have a nice day!
lostdog is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 04-09-2015, 08:39 AM   #119
Alexis
Senior Member
 
Posts: 3,724
Default

Been stressing a lot today. I called my support worker who calmed me down and said that having 2 or 3 NA beer is ok and wont effect my sobriety if i am sensible and dont drink them every day.

The good news is that the friend i am going with tonight drinks NA beer, but because she used to be anorexic and it has less calories than 'normal' beer.

Still very anxious and will talk more about this with support worker on Tuesday.

But for tonight i think i will have one or two. If i start to feel like i want real beer i will stop and go home, my friend respects that decision as ive spoken to her yesterday about my concerns.

I know you guys dont agree with this, but i am trying hard x
Alexis is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 04-09-2015, 09:59 AM   #120
DianeC
Senior Member
 
Posts: 121
Default

Being with nature makes me happy, Lostdog and Alexis. I feel at peace when I'm outdoors.

Alexis, I hope you're able to stop with the NA beer. I don't think that would work for me. I would be tempted to have a real one if I'm drinking anything like the real thing. I avoid settings and situations where I might be tempted.
DianeC is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 04-09-2015, 10:02 AM   #121
DianeC
Senior Member
 
Posts: 121
Default

I understand where you're coming from on this, R. Lee. I think drinking is more than just the ingestion of alcohol. It's the reasons we drink: the situations, why we're drawn to it, etc. I believe I would have felt as you did after drinking the NA beer.
DianeC is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 04-09-2015, 10:40 AM   #122
Sam Bailey
Senior Member
 
Posts: 1,630
Default

Hi Alexis,

Fact is, we are on your side. I think you know this. Sure you do. And if tonight works out well, then good. I hope it does. Like everyone else here, I want nothing but success for you. With a little peace and tranquility tossed into the comforting mix.

But you are right. Most of us are concerned for you...and your choice to drink the NB.

Still on your side, though--right? Right!!

However.

Before I sign off this time, lemme say: Please don't get annoyed with me, Alexis, with what I'm about to say. I am NOT trying to be a smart-ass. But....

You said, If i start to feel like i want real beer i will stop and go home...

Alexis? How has "stopping the drink and going home" worked out for you in the past?

If "we" could start and stop so easily, neither booze nor drugs would have been such a life threatening problem for us.

Okay, just sayin'.....

Anyway. You are a good person, Alexis. I believe this. I want you to believe it too.

best,

sam b
Sam Bailey is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 04-09-2015, 11:11 AM   #123
gmasusie
Senior Member
 
Posts: 1,943
Default

Alexis,

I think we have to eliminate all possibilities in order to recognize if we cannot tolerate alcohol. My sponsor years ago said I had not drunk enough. Well, now I have! I could not believe that I was like other alcoholics and COULD NOT DRINK. So I spent another 35 years drinking. We are all individuals. Some can drink the NB and nothing else; some can't. You must decide which one you are.

Quitting alcohol requires complete dedication. When you're ready, you will. I know it's hard to compare with others you don't know. We all want you to have a happy and peaceful life. If you can do it with NB, great. Keep posting. We are all here to learn and to support each other.

Susie
gmasusie is offline   Reply With Quote
One User Says Thank You to gmasusie For This Useful Post:
Thank You (04-09-2015)
Unread 04-09-2015, 11:36 AM   #124
iamtrying
Senior Member
 
Posts: 703
Default

Alexis,

Your body and you are more worth than NA or non-NA beer or whatever. It's all in your head. Clear the priorities in your head and think thru the first action.

We all support you ....we are with you...have a great day/night friend.
iamtrying is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 04-09-2015, 12:05 PM   #125
iamtrying
Senior Member
 
Posts: 703
Default

Dear Alexis...

something i was listening...thought of sharing...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jukv9Q1eR2g

Be strong...have a great day friend...
iamtrying is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 04-09-2015, 12:34 PM   #126
Saint
Senior Member
 
Saint's Avatar
 
Posts: 2,364
Default

Alexis,

Alcohol addiction is complex. There is the physical addiction and there is the mental addiction to our drug of choice. My drug of choice was alcohol and mostly beer from a can. Once I stopped drinking I replaced the beer can with a diet coke can. Same pop of the top and feel in the hand. I drank a loooootttttt of diet coke early on in sobriety. Today I drink soda very rarely.

People, places, and things can all be triggers to drink (think bottle here) and as such represent a risk to your sobriety. Stress is also a trigger. It is important for us to find different methods to handle the stressors in our lives other than resorting to alcohol. You are receiving a lot of good feedback here because we all see the potential risk to your sobriet. Another way to look at the issue is this; would you sit and have three glasses of milk? Ultimately it is your choice of course and I will support you either way. Learn what works for you and what doesn't. Remember, sobriety is a lifestyle. Stopping the drinking is the easy part.

Ok, one last thing : ) If you sit in a barber shop (hair salon) long enough you will get your hair cut.

We are here for you.

Have a safe night,
Saint
Saint is offline   Reply With Quote
One User Says Thank You to Saint For This Useful Post:
Thank You (04-09-2015)
Unread 04-09-2015, 12:38 PM   #127
Millie
Senior Member
 
Posts: 2,442
Default

Hi Alexis,

First, can you feel how much everyone cares about you?

I tried NA beer once during a period of abstinence and didn't have much luck with it. Went home after and had something stronger.

Whatever happens though, it's a process of growing (for all of us), and we're here for you.
Millie is offline   Reply With Quote
2 Users Say Thank You to Millie For This Useful Post:
Thank You (04-09-2015), Thank You (04-09-2015)
Unread 04-09-2015, 12:41 PM   #128
DianeC
Senior Member
 
Posts: 121
Default

Very well said, Millie.
DianeC is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 04-09-2015, 06:33 PM   #129
Alexis
Senior Member
 
Posts: 3,724
Default

Ive had a strange night. I drank 2 pints of real beer. I feel guilt and disappointment but for the first time, i didnt drink more. I STOPPED. I went past the shop straight to the bus and came home and got into bed.

I feel a little sick and shaky, i feel failure and a little pride at a big step....

Is that silly? is it an accomplishment? Maybe not because i consumed alcohol but i didnt drink to collapse like every other time.

Thanks for everyones comments.

Iamtrying, thats a great motivational song i love it! x
Alexis is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 04-09-2015, 07:45 PM   #130
gmasusie
Senior Member
 
Posts: 1,943
Default

Alexis,

Some people have an experience like yours and take it as a sign that they are really ready to stop drinking. Some never take another drink! You stopped. You can do this.

Susie
gmasusie is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 04-09-2015, 08:10 PM   #131
Sam Bailey
Senior Member
 
Posts: 1,630
Default

Hey Alexis,

If you are a real alcoholic, which is how this entire thread came into being, isn't it?, then it's really not so unusual that you were able to stop tonight with consuming just a couple of beers. I don't mean to take away any sort of victory you feel, really I don't.

However, if you are a real alcoholic, and if you continue to THINK you can actually drink like a normal person ("Hey, I did it the other night, right?"), you will almost certainly fail. We all do. Not one of us is unique; not one of us gets any kind of special dispensation when it comes to alcohol.

Oh, the games we play with ourselves when trying to bargain away our disease (condition/affliction?). We say:

"If beer was my favorite, I'll switch to wine..." "If I like wine, I'll stop that and switch to vodka..." "I'll only drink on weekends." "I will never drink before 5:00 pm."

The list is practically endless, these bargains with the devil we make.

Truth is, if you are an actual alcoholic, every single one of these bargains is bullshyte.

Who are you, Alexis?

Yes mam, we did start like this, I know. Fact is, if you can successfully drink just a couple of pints, a couple of times a week---and if those pints don't lead you to darkness and despair, then you likely have no problem.

However. One night's successful drinking, measured against a life of overuse and stupor, heartache and soul-pain, doesn't amount to much.

Don't misunderstand me, please. I'm totally glad you stopped at two and went home. Really, that's terrific. And if that is the real you, now 'n forever, outstanding and well done!

If this is true, if this is the case, then no, you are probably not a "real alcoholic."

Only you know the truth, Alexis. But based on all that I have read about your drinking history and your assorted doubts and fears about booze, I believe that your truth is quite clear.

Then again, who am I to judge? Nobody, that's who!

What I am is just another alcoholic/drug addict with 20+ years lost in that g.d. darkness of gut-wrenching addiction. I gave away so much. I hurt so many people, and nearly ended my life.

I SO don't want that to be your story. I SO hope that you don't have to give 20 years to that demon, as I did. I wish for you better things and a better life. Personally? I don't think any of us, not a one, really needs alcohol. Or dope.

But then, that's just me.

Sleep well, Alexis.

best,

sam b
Sam Bailey is offline   Reply With Quote
One User Says Thank You to Sam Bailey For This Useful Post:
Thank You (04-09-2015)
Unread 04-09-2015, 08:11 PM   #132
R. Lee
Senior Member
 
Posts: 4,984
Default

X, Controlled drinking never worked for me but I am an alcoholic. My thinking is1 or 2 drinks. What is the point??
R. Lee is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 04-09-2015, 09:09 PM   #133
lostdog
Senior Member
 
Posts: 2,942
Default

I think it is up to you Alexis and what you want to do. I have done that also, and then the next time I can't remember how much I did drink. We have got to want sobriety more than anything else and accept the responsibility to not drink.- If I drink it all goes downhill. We are here for you to help you and ease your pain as you proceed ahead and find what works for you.
lostdog is offline   Reply With Quote
One User Says Thank You to lostdog For This Useful Post:
Thank You (04-10-2015)
Unread 04-09-2015, 10:19 PM   #134
jenm
Senior Member
 
Posts: 976
Default

Hi Alexis!

At the end of the day, you are going to do what you are going to do. No matter what any of us say or don't say. If you think that you might be able to be a 'normal' drinker, try it. See how long it lasts for you, see how you feel.

We all speak from our own experience. I was the girl who would drink to fall down drunk just about everytime I would drink. After awhile and some consequences, I stopped. I tried to be that 'normal' drinker. What I found out through a lot of trial and error is, I am not a normal drinker and no matter what I try to tell myself or justify, I am just NOT a normal drinker. Period. Yep, I could go have 2. Maybe that would last for awhile, but there was ALWAYS the time that I was right back to my old ways, shaking my head and hating myself, wondering "how did I get here AGAIN?"

I cannot sugarcoat anything in regards to addiction to alcohol. I am truly grateful to be sober today, because I only have today, and I am truly grateful that you are posting and allowing us to talk with you about this. I did not let alcohol rule my world/thoughts/action/work/anything today, and I'm about to go to bed. I think I'll try it again tomorrow. We're with ya, girl. Jenm
jenm is offline   Reply With Quote
2 Users Say Thank You to jenm For This Useful Post:
Thank You (04-10-2015), Thank You (04-10-2015)
Unread 04-09-2015, 10:23 PM   #135
Saint
Senior Member
 
Saint's Avatar
 
Posts: 2,364
Default

Alexis,

You remind me of myself. In the morning I would swear off alcohol only to drink again in the evening. I also had the ability to have one or two drinks but would then go home and get drunk.

My alcohol counselor told me of people(alcoholics) who tried to control their drinking. Eventually all failed and found it best to live a sober life. That decision ultimately rests solely with you.

Perhaps you have more drinking to do. Perhaps you think you can drink socially. Who can say for sure? We are sharing our experiences with you so you perhaps don't make the same mistakes we made.

Stay safe and keep sharing.

Regards,
Saint
Saint is offline   Reply With Quote
2 Users Say Thank You to Saint For This Useful Post:
Thank You (04-10-2015), Thank You (04-10-2015)
Unread 04-09-2015, 10:30 PM   #136
DianeC
Senior Member
 
Posts: 121
Default

Alexis, I have found in my life that with all things, one must come to her or his own conclusions as to what we must do.... with everything... alcohol and all. You appear (to me) to be struggling with knowing internally what you need to do but telling yourself internally what you want to hear (from yourself). Hope that makes sense. Anyway, we're here. We care. You have to come to the point to stop drinking on your own. No one can take you there. We're with you... all the way.
DianeC is offline   Reply With Quote
2 Users Say Thank You to DianeC For This Useful Post:
Thank You (04-10-2015), Thank You (04-10-2015)
Unread 04-09-2015, 10:38 PM   #137
gmasusie
Senior Member
 
Posts: 1,943
Default

thinking of you, A.
gmasusie is offline   Reply With Quote
One User Says Thank You to gmasusie For This Useful Post:
Thank You (04-10-2015)
Unread 04-10-2015, 06:49 AM   #138
Alexis
Senior Member
 
Posts: 3,724
Default

Thank you everyone for your words.

Diane i think yes, im struggling inside a lot. With what to do, with where to go. Im giving myself excuses to drink, im justifying it. I know that but its hard (as you all know!)

Maybe it was a mistake to think i could just STOP? Maybe cutting down was the first step. But i told my support worker i CANT cut down thats the point, so she suggested stopping completely.

I know i shouldnt drink at all really anyway because of my medication and mental health problems. The fact that terrifies me, to stop drinking completely, i think shows everything.

Jenm im also that girl, ive had times when ive sort of controlled the drinking when out socially, but always end up in a heap crying because ive lost control again, ive done something stupid, ive had unprotected sex, ive allowed myself to be used, ive taken drugs.

I think there are deep underlying issues i need to address.

I despise myself, full on hate myself. I have no confidence without alcohol. Im scared to live without alcohol.

As you know im an artist and i need to be confident and charismatic and so on. Without booze i feel weak and pathetic.

I also am terrified because i used to self harm A LOT, my arm is horrible if things went wrong, even a small thing, my first thought was to cut. I would also drink. Then after a recent overdose, i had therapy for my self harm and i havent cut myself for about 6 months. Instead when things go wrong i drink even more.

If i dont self harm, and i dont drink....what the hell do i do to cope???

Sorry for such a long post...feels good to get it all down x
Alexis is offline   Reply With Quote
One User Says Thank You to Alexis For This Useful Post:
Thank You (04-10-2015)
Unread 04-10-2015, 07:48 AM   #139
jenm
Senior Member
 
Posts: 976
Default

Alexis! Seriously, don't apologize for a long post. Write us 16 pages if you need to, no worries!

Justifying, rationalizing, talking ourselves 'into' drinking (I can do it THIS time!) is all a part of it. I have been there. Is my life perfect today? Heck no! However, I work a one day at a time thing with alcohol and my mental health and the eating disorder I used to battle.....and whatever else. Trust me, with many of us, it is NOT just the alcohol. You are not alone.

Yes, you can cope without alcohol and without self harm. There is a way out. There really, really is. I am not a doctor or a licensed therapist, I'm just a girl who has made a ton of poor choices regarding alcohol and many, many other things. I thank the Lord today for His saving grace and His mercy, to forgive a sinner like me. I'm really proud of you for opening up to your worker and your group. Drop ALL pride and tell the absolute truth both to yourself and to anyone involved in your care. Everything. Do not try to do this alone! Love, Jenm
jenm is offline   Reply With Quote
2 Users Say Thank You to jenm For This Useful Post:
Thank You (04-10-2015), Thank You (04-10-2015)
Unread 04-10-2015, 08:55 AM   #140
DianeC
Senior Member
 
Posts: 121
Default

Alexis, I posted a message to you on my thread in response to something you wrote to me there. Please catch it there. You're in my thoughts.
DianeC is offline   Reply With Quote
One User Says Thank You to DianeC For This Useful Post:
Thank You (04-10-2015)
Unread 04-10-2015, 09:04 AM   #141
gmasusie
Senior Member
 
Posts: 1,943
Default

Alexis,

There are lots of coping mechanisms: exercise, journaling, cooking, volunteering, These techniques help you stay out of the cycle of depression and anxiety.

I can hear the pain in your writing. I know you are suffering. Please talk to someone about some healthier activities besides alcohol. We have all been there. We know how hard it is.. We are with you on this journey, wherever it takes you.

Susie
gmasusie is offline   Reply With Quote
2 Users Say Thank You to gmasusie For This Useful Post:
Thank You (04-10-2015), Thank You (04-10-2015)
Unread 04-10-2015, 09:17 AM   #142
Alexis
Senior Member
 
Posts: 3,724
Default

Guys i just wrote this....


I am sat in the garden with the sun beating down on me and a cup of tea by my side. My best friend in the world, Jackson (my 2 year old cat) is sprawled out on the garden table; rubbing his head on the corner and softly clawing at my new potted plants. I can hear his gentle purring and as I call his name he looks over and shows off by twisting onto his back and stretching out his claws.

This is the first home we have lived in together which has had a garden and I think it is safe to say, we are both enjoying the freedom.

As I watch his eyes blink in the sun light, I sort of wish I was a cat, spend my days exploring the river banks, sleeping in the sun and lying in the grass.
Life has been difficult the past month, more than usual anyway. My relationship with alcohol has become more of a concern for friends and health professionals and it has increased my anxiety around how to cope when things go wrong. The past 6 years I have dealt with troubles by cutting my arms, and drinking till I pass out. I have managed to stop self-harming, through intense therapy, but increased my alcohol intake as a substitute. If I canít drink, what do I do?

I tried it a few days ago. I didnít self-harm, I didnít drink. I just sat and stared, I tried to work, I tried to read, I tried to distract myself but the extreme anxiety, the self-doubt, the self-hatred, the paranoia and distrust; it bubbled ferociously just below my skin. It was almost unbearable and thoughts of suicide came creeping back like dark shadows around corners. Suicide was the only way out of this hell, the only way to stop the thoughts, the voices. I couldnít use alcohol to drown them out; I couldnít cut them out of my skinÖ

I did get through those days though, with only a small slip up. This morning I sit in my garden with Jackson and we both enjoy the sun. As I sip on my tea, I think about how lovely it would be to have an ice cold beer, how it would numb some of the incessant negativity in my mind. But Iím trying to take this one hour at a time, and this moment right now, is pleasant enough.
Alexis is offline   Reply With Quote
One User Says Thank You to Alexis For This Useful Post:
Thank You (04-10-2015)
Unread 04-10-2015, 11:15 AM   #143
R. Lee
Senior Member
 
Posts: 4,984
Default

X, You keep asking questions & then you do as you want.

As an alcoholic I did what ever I wanted when I drank. I was selfish, self centered, self righteous & most anything else with SELF in it. My chances were less that average.
R. Lee is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 04-10-2015, 11:56 AM   #144
Alexis
Senior Member
 
Posts: 3,724
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by R. Lee View Post
X, You keep asking questions & then you do as you want.
sorry
Alexis is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 04-10-2015, 12:01 PM   #145
gmasusie
Senior Member
 
Posts: 1,943
Default

Alexis,

We can continue to make suggestions, but YOU have to decide the course of your life. Your doctor can prescribe medication to take the edge off the anxiety, etc. You are still the one who has to make the decision.

Each one of us lived through our own hell to get to the point where we knew that if we continued to drink, we would die.
gmasusie is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 04-10-2015, 12:25 PM   #146
Alexis
Senior Member
 
Posts: 3,724
Default

i feel like im wasting your time. im sorry, i dont mean to be indecisive and muddled up, i am listening and i am trying.

I felt ok this morning, now i feel terrible. im sorry x
Alexis is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 04-10-2015, 12:28 PM   #147
DianeC
Senior Member
 
Posts: 121
Default

Alexis, I sent another post for you (I think it's on my thread as the other one was). I was responding to the conversation we were having. I hope you will read my suggestions there, and I hope they can help.
DianeC is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 04-10-2015, 04:07 PM   #148
Alexis
Senior Member
 
Posts: 3,724
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by DianeC View Post
Alexis, I sent another post for you (I think it's on my thread as the other one was). I was responding to the conversation we were having. I hope you will read my suggestions there, and I hope they can help.
Thanks Diane. Yes i read what R Lee says, and i take it to heart, maybe too much but i am anxious and paranoid and overthink what he is saying in that i am a waste of time. I cant describe it but i cry.

I went to the meeting tonight, I didnt drink, i had blackcurrent and soda water.
Alexis is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 04-10-2015, 05:46 PM   #149
Millie
Senior Member
 
Posts: 2,442
Default

Hello, dear Alexis. I am very proud of you for not drinking at that meeting!

Firstly, you're not wasting anyone's time.

Secondly. Like everyone's saying, you are going to have to come to your own decisions. But I did want to share that I was astounded -- *astounded* -- by the decrease in depression and anxiety I noticed when I stopped drinking. It took a few weeks, but the clouds that had been hanging so low were completely different. It doesn't only make those worse, it actually causes them.

I have known probably since my mid-20s that some day I would have to stop drinking. I just liked it too much, and I knew that. So it was just a matter of when. Nearly 20 years later, I am facing that -- not because I was drinking myself to death -- but I was collecting more and more regrets. Collective regrets turn into self-loathing. And for those of use prone to that, it's a circular hell. When I tried taking alcohol out of the equation, oddly enough, my decision-making improved, my reactions didn't seem as emotionally unbalanced, and the collection of regrets sat on the shelf and gathered dust. I've done that several times, and each time thought I could be moderate after a period of abstinence. I'm pretty sure now that I was wrong each time. But the best thing was -- the self-loathing started to go away. That can be repaired.

So perhaps you could even just consider taking some time away from it -- a month -- and see if you feel better. Even people who have been heavy drinkers and claim to be moderate often take several weeks off at a time intentionally.

I see the life in you and the years you have ahead that I wasted a lot of and wish I could do over. I keep reminding myself that this is the only life I get, and if the next 20 years goes as fast as the last 20, I need to savor every moment. IF I even get the gift of 20 more.

This is rambling. I'm sorry. My point is that you realize you're rationalizing, you realize it's causing you problems, and I want to make sure you know it's very likely making your anxiety much worse. Anyone with a compulsive or addictive streak can rationalize anything, and that's why it's soooo hard to say no, even when you know it's the right thing to do. Hang in there, keep coming here, keep seeing counselors and others around this issue, and please take care of yourself. You deserve to be healthy and peaceful. Hugs to you.
Millie is offline   Reply With Quote
One User Says Thank You to Millie For This Useful Post:
Thank You (04-10-2015)
Unread 04-10-2015, 05:52 PM   #150
DianeC
Senior Member
 
Posts: 121
Default

-- Alexis, this is the post (from me that I was talking about that I wanted you to read) on my thread just in case you missed it there. I hope a little of what I have to say can help --

Alexis, try (when you can) to avoid pubs and other places where alcohol is flowing. Start having the mindset that you can do anything for an hour, then six hours, then eight, then all day... one day. When a great challenge presents itself, take it hour by hour, not even day by day. In the meantime, try to love yourself. Think of how easy it is to forgive people we love. Use that forgiveness on you. Think of how easy it is to love those close to us. Use that love on you. You might think, 'I love and forgive because everyone deserves that.' Don't you deserve that from you? I used to beat myself up a lot and treat others better than I did myself until I realized that I am a person too! Why don't I use that love and affection on me!? 'You are a child of the universe', as one of my favorite pieces, 'Desiderata', states; 'you have a right to be here.' Use the affection you feel for your cat, your loved ones, nature and turn it inward to yourself. You are worthy of sobriety. You are worthy of quiet, peace and hope. For today, take care of you. That's all any of us have: today...
DianeC is offline   Reply With Quote
One User Says Thank You to DianeC For This Useful Post:
Thank You (04-10-2015)
Reply

Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off




All times are GMT -4. The time now is 04:56 PM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2019, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
© 2014 Addiction Survivors