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Unread 06-09-2015, 02:44 PM   #551
Tryntryagain
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Good afternoon Alexis. Bright blessings to you.

I am glad you are back home.

As an aside, i knew this fellow.....oh for all the names that i could chose, it may well be true.

For the sake of names, let's call him Saint/R Lee.

Well, swigging their beer, and hauling those nets, it all seemed to work...tickety-boo.

Then one day on their seas of life.....a huge wave approached. The Captain warned and yelled.......he said..get the **** off.

Saint and dear R Lee were "onboard", so to speak. Drunk as skunks........huge wave approaching, ......of course they were actually more stable on a rolling deck than most.....but that wasn't to last. Oh no dear Alexis.

Both of the dear fellows got washed overboard because they could not "right" the ship they were on.

Now....what happened to dear Saint and R Lee?

There is a rumour....that there was a message, in a bottle, washed up on a beach.

I found it....and them.

Dear Alexis. There are shores around your life with messages in bottles, make sure your message, doesn't need a bottle.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to you Alexis
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Unread 06-09-2015, 04:50 PM   #552
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Thank you Millie, and Tryn as always.

Ive reached the headache, leg ache, muscle spasm part of this session. Its not nice at all.

However in the 3 hours since i have been home, aching and hallucinating in bed, i have thought of a new 'art workshop' thing for my website, for people who are struggling to become part of a community, not really for advice or help, but to join an online workshop, and create! and learn and have a healthy way to distract from harming thoughts.

I would put on frequent exhibitions of the work produced, enabling self pride and achievement. Ill start to work on this after the London show next week.


Oh man, my head hurts

So pleased im going through this sober though, it would be awful if i was drinking.

Peace to all xx
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Unread 06-09-2015, 10:14 PM   #553
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Bless you Alexis, I hope you feel better soon. You are very strong and smart. Keep your spirit up and may you find happiness and peace each day.
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Unread 06-09-2015, 11:12 PM   #554
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Alexis, Take care of yourself. you are important to us.
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Unread 06-10-2015, 01:07 PM   #555
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Are you feeling any better?
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Unread 06-10-2015, 07:37 PM   #556
Alexis
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sorry to say ive drank. thought i would be ok with one, out with a friend. nope.
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Unread 06-10-2015, 11:21 PM   #557
gmasusie
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Alexis,

When you are sober, see if you can answer this question. Did it make anything better or easier?

We love you. Susie
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Unread 06-11-2015, 09:33 AM   #558
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X, Think through that next urge.
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Unread 06-15-2015, 02:59 AM   #559
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No need to apologize to us Alexis. This drunk has been thete, done that. If it's sobriety you seek keep working it and you'll get there.

Peace,
Saint
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Unread 06-15-2015, 01:44 PM   #560
Tryntryagain
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Good afternoon Alexis. Bright blessings to you.

I could meander through trying to support you at this time, although i think peace is what you need right now.

So i want to share with you my evening since i have come in.

As you are in dear old Blighty, it is now 6.25pm.....supper time, but i struggle to eat. It has been a quite splendidly lucky day for us in Blighty with sunshine blessing our shores, and if there is such as rain, then the sunshine rained down on us today.

My little ship of troubles set out this morning on the seas on my life. And what a day it was. Although home i am. I walked in carrying my troubles with me.....kicked off my shoes, my living room has musical instruments to hand, i slumped myself into my piano chair, switched it on, and then thought...."what now?".......

My eyes closed, my fingers took over the talking......(trust me for Tryn small miracles all add up).....sometimes, and no one finds it harder then me, it is time to shut the **** up, and let yourself be heard.

What did that look like to me? It meant me learning to stop saying what i wanted to say, and start saying what i didn't want to say.

When i think of what to play.....i don't play well at all.

When i think of what to say, i don't say well at all.

Give yourself a break......let it come. Listen to your heart. Your head will enjoy ******* you right up.

Millie has good advice for those like me and you that struggle with huge anxiety, a zillion mood swings a day, tuck into some meditation.

End of the day?, pop alcohol on top of that and it all becomes a whole lot more difficult....then totally unmanageable, then you lose everything along with your mind.

Do whatever it takes dear Alexis.....keep clear of, stay away from, alcohol.

1 Last thing. Always believe it is your choice. Do not let alcohol believe you have no choice.

My thoughts with you.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be thoughtful. Loveness to you dear Alexis
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Unread 06-15-2015, 10:44 PM   #561
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Hi Alexis, I'm back from my trip and I need to share some things with you. I hope you are doing well. I miss you.
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Unread 06-16-2015, 01:46 PM   #562
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Yep, what Tryn said.

I hope you're well, Alexis.
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Unread 06-16-2015, 03:34 PM   #563
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Hello everyone, im sorry for being away for a while. Ive been struggling a bit, with my stress levels, hallucinating and quite bad depression. My self hatred is becoming debilitating. (im on a list to get some therapy, should take 8 weeks)

But yes, struggling. Not been online as my laptop has been broken. Touch wood its ok for a while now. I do always feel better by being a regular on here.

Ive not drank since last Wednesday when i last posted, which is a positive. Been craving especially today but i havent.

SO im pretty sad, anxious, worried about the exhibition on Friday - i have so much to do still for that.

Lying in bed listening to Kate Bush "oh darling, make it go away, just make it go away now." Yep that sums things up for me!!

Will catch up with you all now.

Lost Dog, what did you want to share? I hope the trip was good.

Love to you all xxx
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Unread 06-16-2015, 05:40 PM   #564
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I'm sorry you're struggling, Alexis. Good for you for not drinking. It would only make it worse. You're being kind to yourself by staying away from it.

Hugs to you.
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Unread 06-16-2015, 09:17 PM   #565
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X, Be kind to yourself. You are worth it. Stay in contact with us. Do not deal with your feelings alone.
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Unread 06-16-2015, 11:04 PM   #566
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Alexis,

You can do this. We are here for you. Talk to us when you are down. It's better than drinking.
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Unread 06-17-2015, 05:44 AM   #567
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Morning all,

Big event on Friday, ill be down in London tomorow morning to start installing work.

Also sorting out sound checks, set times etc. Feel im out of my depth.

Also feel that if only a handful of people go to the show, it will be shit and people will think im a failure

Im looking forward to Sunday when i can just relax, finally.

Im just getting worked up, and my anxiety is overpowering, im working myself into a frenzy over everything.

Love to you xxxx
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Unread 06-17-2015, 09:19 AM   #568
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Don't over think it Alexis. Try going for a walk if you can when the anxiety gets to be too much.

Thinking of you,
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Unread 06-17-2015, 09:27 AM   #569
gmasusie
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Good suggestion, Saint. Also remember deep breathing exercises: big inhale, hold it for 6 seconds, slow exhale. Alexis, remember us in the wings, cheering you on!
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Unread 06-17-2015, 12:35 PM   #570
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Thanks Saint, Susie

Just got home, long day of running round Manchester, to the printers, to my studio, typing up 100 sentences in each zine with my typewriter. Exhausted.

Still so much to do!! But first, a break, a cup of tea, The Simpsons.

Yes will try to keep calm. Just so much pressure.

Why i ever thought i could do this, ill never know.

xx
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Unread 06-17-2015, 12:47 PM   #571
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You can do it! And then... it'll be done. That's the nice thing about things like this. Realizing that Sunday exists after this event is a good thing!

I know this is more easily said than done, but remember that worrying about things that are out of your control (like what if only a few people show up) is wasted, circular energy, and doesn't do anyone any good. "...the wisdom to know the difference" and all that stuff.

Break a leg!
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Unread 06-17-2015, 02:45 PM   #572
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I'm with you all the way Alexis, hope it goes well. You are very talented, remember that. Hugs and support to you sent from afar...
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Unread 06-20-2015, 06:19 PM   #573
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Hello all, just quickly dropping in as im about to go to sleep. Just got back from London and im absolutely exhausted.

The show on Friday night went so well, it was packed, everyone was wanting to talk to me and we partied hard till 3am dancing to amazing music.

Today i have been at the anti-austerity protests, i had a homemade placard saying 'Artists against Austerity - stop mental health cuts now!" and the other side simply said, 'Humans against Tories.' 100's of 1000's of people turned up and it was all very positive, dancing, chanting, passionate speeches and real emotion.

Anyway, yes i drank alcohol on Friday night. It was a slip up but im not letting it dictate my mood.

I think i deserve a lie in tomorrow!!!

x
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Unread 06-21-2015, 05:36 AM   #574
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Hi Alexis!

See!? Contrary to your fears, those self-made worries from your mind's dark side, your event turned out wonderfully!

I believe there was always the belief that you WERE prepared, that you were damn-well ready, that you, in your heart o'hearts were going to shine. It was that dark-side chatter that twisted you into such uncomfortable thoughts. It nearly, or so it sounded, drove you mad.

Yes, but it did not! Hooray for the Light Side! Maybe now, maybe? you have learned to ignore all those dark side lies. So long as one is prepared, is organized, has put in the requisite work on a project, one WILL succeed.

Not that everyone will like the work, no guarantees there. Yet done properly, with all necessary prep, YOU will like the work---no matter what may come, from viewers to critics. Hey! What else can we hope for? I mean, what else should we genuinely expect? So long as we do our best, what other folks say is simply not relevant. Of course, when those "other folks," from viewers to critics, stand and applaud, well---gotta say that it really does feel great!

Anyway. The only, uh, hiccup was your choice to drink Friday night. I'm betting that it didn't make a single person enjoy the show better. Didn't enhance a single exhibit, most likely.

Oh well. You are forgiven. By me; by us and, most important, by some strange Force far smarter and more loving than some schmuck from Southern California. Ha! Really, A---you did great!

And seriously, do not allow that misstep to bring you down. Just do better next time. No, I mean.....try, try and try your best to do better next time.

Speaking of which.....

I don't know, Alexis, but it seems to me that you're getting closer to that do-better dealio every day.

Way to go, kid!

best,

sam
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Unread 06-21-2015, 07:31 AM   #575
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Thank you Sam, everything you say is true. The 'light' part of me believes in myself, the 'dark' part wants me to collapse and fail.

Some day i hope i can learn to ignore the dark part.

Yes, will just now concentrate, moving forward, to keep sober and not let a slip up turn into a long period of drinking.

Woke up at 11.30am and i felt great. Put my photos on my laptop and looking back through made me smile, still not sunk in that it was ME that did all that!

Today, will consist of The Simpsons, a film, lazing around and maybe a dominos later if i fancy it! Really trying to treat myself and allow myself to just relax and enjoy what has happened the past couple of days.

Peace and love as always xxx
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Unread 06-21-2015, 11:09 AM   #576
gmasusie
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One day at a time! Congratulations.
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Unread 06-21-2015, 11:31 AM   #577
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X, Think through that next urge. You are worth it.
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Unread 06-21-2015, 12:45 PM   #578
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Hi Alexis, nice to hear from you, so happy your show was a success, but I already knew it would be... Some of the things you talk about are way over my head, so just to go to your show would be a triumph for me. Keep up the good work and think through the next urge, you can do it.
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Unread 06-21-2015, 08:49 PM   #579
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Congrats Alexis. I also knew you would rock this!!!
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Unread 06-21-2015, 09:42 PM   #580
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Hey everyone, im sorry that my high has quickly turned into a low. and ive been crying the past hour and struggling to get out of this mindset.

I am so afraid.

I can feel the snake of doubt, paranoia, anxiety and regret twisting inside of me, slowly filling me up with its venom.

I am afraid that i will regret that i didnt do enough in my youth. That i didnt have the confidence to try things, to meet more people, to be foolish.

I am afraid because i feel i am losing my free spirit.

I am afraid that I can not handle my mental health, and that it only takes a tiny flick of the switch to push me from the ledge.

I am afraid of being in hospital again, and letting people down.

I am afraid that i am not ill enough, and all this is an illusion for attention.

I am afraid that i am moving towards the wrong destination, that the path im on is the wrong one.

I am afraid that i will never stop loving my past partner, i will never truley forget the incredible pain i felt from our ending.

I am afraid that i will never find true love again.

I am afraid that my dad will die soon, knowing that i am not strong enough to cope with it.

I am afraid of trying to live without him.

I am afraid that i am moving away from a very close friend and that our differences are now too difficult to ignore.

I am afraid of the voices i hear.

I am afraid that i will begin to self harm again.

I am afraid that i am weak.

I am afraid that i will never make work i am truley proud of, or write a life changing poem.

I am afraid of feeling this lonely for the rest of my life.

I am afraid because i dont see any light in this tunnel, only clouds of darkness, overbearing and thick.
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Unread 06-21-2015, 10:03 PM   #581
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Alexis, a big HUG for you. I hope that you can find some peace and settle in tonight. You are loved and just know that. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Reach out and call for help, it is ok to do that.
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Unread 06-21-2015, 10:33 PM   #582
gmasusie
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Alexis,

Please call a suicide hotline or friend or therapist. Do not go into this dark valley alone. Keep talking to us and find someone where you are to engage in a conversation about what you are feeling. We care about you.
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Unread 06-22-2015, 10:25 AM   #583
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X, listen & use the advice of others here. You are worth it.
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Unread 06-22-2015, 02:34 PM   #584
Millie
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Yes, please listen. You are not alone.

also, you felt and posted that two days after drinking. That could have been a straightforward chemical reaction. I always have a big low two days after drinking. Then it gradually lets up. This may not be You.

Close your eyes, breathe. Worrying is interest on a debt you may never owe, and you have choices. Do you know if there is mindfulness counseling there?
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Unread 06-22-2015, 03:10 PM   #585
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Alexis,

How are you doing at the moment? Please listen to the others here and seek help. You are worth it. Don't ever, ever, think otherwise.
Saint
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Unread 06-22-2015, 03:24 PM   #586
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Thanks everyone. Not been a great day really, just been in bed, not eaten, not drank.

Been able to get up and get a cup a tea just now though and i think i will run a bath.

I hate when it gets so bad it feels like a psychical illness

Called the crisis line last night/this morning. and was calmed down.

Been told to double my dose of meds.

Bath and early night i think. xxxx
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Unread 06-22-2015, 03:29 PM   #587
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Thank you for calling the crisis line, Alexis. Wishing you peace.
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Unread 06-22-2015, 03:30 PM   #588
Saint
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Thank you Alexis for posting, we are worried about you.

I'm glad you reached out for help. Hang in there.

Thinking of you,
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Unread 06-22-2015, 04:11 PM   #589
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I'm glad you are ok, you took a step and conquered it. Good work!
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Unread 06-22-2015, 04:17 PM   #590
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X, You did the right thing calling for help.
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Unread 06-22-2015, 04:29 PM   #591
Alexis
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Thanks all, feels a little better knowing i can talk to you guys.

i feel ever so alone, lonely.

After being around so many people, wanting to talk to me, to ask about my work and the organisation, and putting on a smiling face etc, to coming home and sitting alone, and feeling so so lonely it makes me very sad.

I feel like i am holding the world up, im trying to hard to help people and make the world a better place, but i cant look after myself. Or maybe i can, but i think too much, and i get overwhelmed easily and get lost in my runaway, racing thoughts.

x
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Unread 06-22-2015, 05:08 PM   #592
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I probably sound like a broken record, but have you tried guided meditation? There are sites that have mp3s or streaming guided meditations that you can listen to. Through focusing on breathing and focusing on what is being said, it's possible to gradually rewire your brain so that you can control the racing thoughts. It does take time, but it can work.
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Unread 06-23-2015, 07:52 AM   #593
Alexis
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Hi Millie, thank you, i used guided meditation to fall asleep last night, it was very useful because it is night time when i can start to get overwhelmed with thoughts and suicide stuff so it helped to just concentrate on that, and i fell asleep pretty quickly.

Still finding it very hard, but told myself i can relax today, give myself some time off. I will make eggs, watch a film, make a card for my dad, listen to some music. Just relax.

x
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Unread 06-23-2015, 12:07 PM   #594
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Glad it helped. And yes, it's *good* to relax. You've earned it and then some.
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Unread 06-23-2015, 01:27 PM   #595
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Hi Alexis....glad mediation works for you...keep practicing that works, that's the secret
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Unread 06-23-2015, 05:30 PM   #596
Alexis
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Damn, ive drank again tonight. I know i shouldnt but its like i have zero will power to stop, im so good at convincing myself it doesnt matter. Ive had 4 cans of beer, so nowhere near enough to make me drunk, but still. Its alcohol...

the past 30 mins or so, ive been sat on my bed, and my heart is racing. I can feel it beating so my body moves. Is this worrying?

If i feel my pulse under my chin, its so fast.
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Unread 06-23-2015, 11:48 PM   #597
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Anxiety becomes worse with depression and alcohol. That's what finally brought me to that window of opportunity: the change of mind set to say to myself that I had enough! The anxiety will likely increase.


When you are ready, we are here. We are here anyway. We care about you.
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Unread 06-24-2015, 08:16 AM   #598
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X, Think through that next urge to drink. You are worth it.
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Unread 06-24-2015, 09:39 AM   #599
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Alexis, All creative people feel a let-down after a major life event. Ross Lockridge was an English professor at a small college in the South of the USA who wrote what some consider to be THE great American novel: RAINTREE COUNTY. It was made into a movie with Elizabeth Taylor. His comment before he killed himself was, "I have nothing more to say." We know logically that is not true. We have studied psychology enough now to know that it is common to have a down time after a major event. Recognizing that can save our lives. It simply means you are normal. Now, you may not want to be "normal," but at least it explains your dark mood. My mother-in-law would say, "Remember, this too shall pass." I think it is from the Bible. But if you can tell yourself that, it can help you come back to reality.

Stay with us, Alexis. You are worth it.

I need your compassion and your strength. Love, Susie
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Unread 06-24-2015, 10:18 AM   #600
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Susie, I am here for you, if its important to you that i am strong, then i will try my best to be here.

Today i have done work, trying to stay on top of things. And i have arranged to visit my parents tomorrow for a few days. My sister has just got a job, her first in occupational therapy, which she did at uni. She has only just finished uni 3 weeks ago and already has the job so it will be nice to see her too.

I have a lot to do before tmoro at 3pm when i catch the train. Hopefully being busy will distract me.

Yes Susie, it makes sense, to have a come down from the buzz, from the energy and pressure into delivering such an event. From that to nothing is hard. I understand the words from Ross. I felt similar after a major installation i built 2 years ago, i put everything i had into it. Blood, sweat and tears as they say, as well as my heart, emotion and deepest fears. How else could i make something better? Well i dont think i have, but my ideas have matured, my creative intelligence has grown, and i know i can make something better now. Ill hold onto that thought.

Sending you love as always xxx
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