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Unread 08-23-2015, 10:45 AM   #201
Tryntryagain
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Dear Jenm. Bright blessings to you.

What a marvel of a human you are. If it doesn't sound to patronising, i am proper proud of you.

My love yours.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to you dear Jenm
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Unread 08-23-2015, 05:15 PM   #202
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way to go JenM I'm really glad to see you excel so much, you deserve the best!
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Unread 08-24-2015, 08:16 AM   #203
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Jen you sound amazing, cant believe you can work 12 hours without a break

Also good for you for not being ashamed of your tag. No need at all, and shows how mature and how you have made peace.

Proud of you, and im sure you sons are too xx
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Unread 08-25-2015, 08:50 AM   #204
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Hi Everyone!

Day 13 no drinks feeling good.............(thanks iamtrying!) One day at a time.

I am grateful to be alive and sober this morning, sleep is getting a tiny bit better, boys are back in school (yay!), the sun is out and the cats are fed. Today I work and then teach back to back fitness classes at 2 gyms. I woke at 4:30am for no reason and started to worry about court in 2 weeks. I can occasionally visit there, but I'm not gonna live there. No matter what happens, all will be well with my soul. Jenm
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Unread 08-25-2015, 09:15 AM   #205
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Court. When we are both free of our shit, let's both go to court just because. Just to sit there and watch knowing we get to leave. This is a thought I've had lately. Maybe going to the courtroom I've been going to since June...like once a month, might possibly help me keep things in perspective. Like...I could wind up back here again if...NOPE!

Stupid idea maybe.
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Unread 08-25-2015, 10:08 AM   #206
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That's a cool idea JD, sit on the steps outside, and be thankful you turned your life around. That's a good idea for a film actually!

I could visit the psyche wards ive been sectioned to...thank the universe for the strength I got, to get out.

All you guys here are an inspiration.

Jen, sounds like a great morning for you! Its clouded over here, but I was up early enough to have two loads of washing out on the line, beautiful sunny day, until 2pm. Its teasing with rain, I have to take the dogs out in a few hours and im sure it will start just as I leave haha.

Hope you have a wonderful rest of your day!!

Love, always xx
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Unread 08-25-2015, 11:10 AM   #207
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jenm, Congratulations on day 13.

I do meetings in the county jail once a week. Last week I visited the court to speak on the behalf on a inmate who wants to turn his life around. Court in an eye opener.
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Unread 08-25-2015, 11:50 AM   #208
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You know what, JD? Not a bad idea. I am actually fascinated with the criminal justice system, I just don't like being a part of it. Because of my choices though, I am. I have a degree in Criminal Justice - never really used it though, went on to get my Master of Arts in Education. I don't use that right now, either. Oh well.

Alexis, R Lee, thank you. Although I enjoy my freedom, I may not have some for awhile. That is ok. In the past week in our local news, a bike rider who was out for a race was hit and killed by a drunk driver at like 10:30am. The guy left the scene and went to his girlfriend's house and took a shower. He was driving her car, because he had one of those blow things in his. Someone got the license plate and he was promptly arrested. He faces a ton of charges including homicide by drunk driving. There but by the grace of God go I. Also this past weekend, someone hit a 21 year old guy and killed him with their car and then they left, who knows yet what happened there.

My former brother in law, who I've known since high school, is battling stage 4 brain cancer and things are not looking good. I have so much to be grateful for. It is all about perspective. Now I have to go to work, enjoy your day everyone! Jenm
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Unread 08-25-2015, 12:32 PM   #209
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jenm, Sorry about your former brother in law cancer. We have so much to be grateful for.1st. & foremost is that we have not drank today.
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Unread 08-27-2015, 03:44 PM   #210
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I like your perspective Jenm and you are right, there were those reporters who were killed too on the news. You are going places, with all those degrees you are awesome! Have a nice weekend and I hope you can rest when you can, You are such a hard working woman and buff too with all those fitness classes!
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Unread 08-27-2015, 06:50 PM   #211
Tryntryagain
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Good evening dear Jenm. Bright blessings to you.

Pop yourself on any rung of any ladder you wish, you may not have a choice. At least family has no ladders.

We can be our bestest friends, we can be our worst enemy's.

However if we share our nonsense, whatnots and neverminds, what touches us, what means to us, to you, to this family, is what is ahead.

A proud boat setting out on her journey. Fully in the knowledge that those that love you are close by. Who is to say where a journey starts> or indeed if we are in the middle of it.

We are where we are. We can chuck "that's what it looks like living life on lifes terms". It works so well if we are talking alcohol, then other events, steal away dreams, makes us feel like fools, and foundations are either shaken, realism becomes something quite different.

All of this glorious family, from here in dear ole Blighty, dear Jenm, i have an "English question" for you.
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Unread 08-27-2015, 07:20 PM   #212
Tryntryagain
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(I do beg your pardon, i hadn't finished).....

In Blighty is gets terribly cold. In your neck of the woods, in the big place, is it true that animals jump from tree to tree and freeze on the way?

What?

Dearest Jenm, do me a favour, pop them in a "Tryns hotpot dish", (the ones that fell over in the air....no chasing, just "catching")

Shit happens. However it effects, touches us, is... becomes apart of you, it is life on lifes terms.....innit?

It is until, we stand up and be counted. All of this family i am sure, will put a hand up somewhere and say, "hello, this is me".

Dearest Jenm, i want you to know that, your tag will interfere with my upcoming hearing aid. (Widows have said it made "their chaps" want to fly off bridges.)

I have to say from this side of the world, i can not quite gather a respectful laughter for my tummy rumbling the fact you make folk work total properly.

Oh ....stop!

Just as an aside, has anyone ever popped the question why you don't afford what you do for others to you?

That's enough of me.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to you dear Jenm
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Unread 08-28-2015, 08:20 AM   #213
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Hi Tryn! And thanks lostdog, R Lee....

Once again Tryn I have trouble trying to understand what you're saying. Can you dumb it down a little for me? Also, animals don't jump from tree to tree in the midwest winters, when it is zero F with a windchill of negative 20. Joleen the cat would try to jump from tree to tree but she cannot because of the following:
1. She is morbidly obese
2. She has zero claws (someone declawed all 4 paws before I got her)
3. She does not go outside

That aside, I've made it 2 weeks, 15 or 16 days. Praise the Lord! I have to get these boys up and moving for school, teach a fitness class, then go serve at work for 10 or 11 hours. I picked up the extra shift, I'm off tomorrow to attend a wedding and then I am taking my 3 boys on a date to a baseball game! We got free tickets at work, I'm excited. Now I can justify spending 8 million dollars on hot dogs and pop and peanuts because we get in free. Have a wonderful Friday, everyone! Love, Jenm
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Unread 08-28-2015, 08:50 AM   #214
R. Lee
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jenm, Congratulations on 2 weeks sober.
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Unread 08-28-2015, 09:20 AM   #215
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Jenm you are first class. That is a nice complement. Your funny and hard working for sure and a great mom and the list goes on.... Have fun you deserve it!
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Unread 08-29-2015, 03:32 AM   #216
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Jenm you are in a good place mentally, I wish I had your spirit!. Enjoy your time with family at the ball game!

Congrats on your sober time. You are back on track!!!

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Unread 08-29-2015, 05:12 AM   #217
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Free tickets deserve hot dogs, soda, etc. You and the boys deserve it. Glad to hear you up and about.
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Unread 08-29-2015, 11:58 AM   #218
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Hi! I am SO tired, but a good tired. I put in 11 hours at the restaurant yesterday plus an hour of teaching fitness. Got up and taught at 7am this morning and then taught another class at 8:30am. Now I have to shower and get the boys and I ready for my friend's wedding. And tonight is my date with my 3 boys at the baseball game! If it doesn't rain, it is cloudy and gray today.

I'm so very grateful today. What a blessing each day is. Even though court is Sept. 9 and is probably going to suck, I will deal with it when that time comes. I can enjoy today and enjoy my friend and her wedding and enjoy my sons. My big boys are still sleeping, and I've been up for 5 hours and taught 2 hours of fitness. My little guy is playing on his tablet thingie, and we are all good. Have a great weekend, my friends! Love, Jenm
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Unread 08-29-2015, 02:42 PM   #219
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Keep up the good work JenM, your attitude is phenonemal and I feel guilty for whining about me being lost, Well that is my name though Have fun. Stop a moment and pat yourself on the back. It is important to stop and breathe as we go fast along in this world. Wishing you the best with your sobriety and your recovery that is so wonderful to hear about. I am very proud and glad to hear about your adventures.
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Unread 08-29-2015, 07:10 PM   #220
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jenm, Have a great day.
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Unread 08-30-2015, 06:18 AM   #221
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so proud of you Jen, wow, so much life in this journal, hoping its infectious!!

I hope your date with your boys went perfectly & you filled up with hot dogs & sodas!

Keep going Jen, because you are awesome xxx
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Unread 08-30-2015, 01:54 PM   #222
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Thank you, Alexis, R Lee, Lostdog -

Lostdog PLEASE don't feel guilty about being lost, I am still lost, still just a sinner saved by grace, it wasn't all that long ago that I felt completely lost. Sometimes I still do. However, how completely FREEING it was to completely open up with my close friends from my church and bible study group. And really everyone. When people say that those in church are a bunch of hypocrites, I felt exactly like one as I ran from the Lord and His will for me. However, I can't think of a better place for me to be! His love doesn't fail, and he knew I would have a brake light out and get pulled over. Although I'm not grateful for my circumstances at this moment, I am grateful for His grace and endless mercy - it took what it took for me to turn around, and I AM grateful for that.

The boys and I had a wonderful time at the game. We laughed, ate popcorn, ate peanuts, little dude had a hotdog, and the game went to 12 innings. We stayed through 10 innings. I watched some tv with my oldest and got to bed late. Church this morning was amazing, as always, and I have to work tonight. Have a great Sunday!! Love, Jenm
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Unread 08-30-2015, 01:58 PM   #223
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Have a nice day JenM, Have a good week and keep up your positive wonderful ways!
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Unread 08-31-2015, 03:05 PM   #224
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You're an inspiration, Jenm! Thank you for your positive posts!

(And 12 innings?! Wow!!)
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Unread 08-31-2015, 03:27 PM   #225
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Good evening dear Jenm. Bright blessings to you.

Indeed, as Millie says, you are indeed an inspiration. I can tell you for why.

I am a pianist, just a bod as a human being, i have bits and bobs about me that make me whom i am.

All of us have that.

Chopin, Mozart, Beethoven et al, i can play. All of it.

How?

It is because through them i learnt my way around a piano. Before me, in their era, their fingers found a way to speak and touch. I can see the music infront of me, i can play the notes.....but can i "feel" them?

The person i am will eventually dictate that.

Is my heart in it? Is all i am something that when i play their music, them now long gone, from up on high, will they look down and say to me, "yup, you got it Tryn?", or do i have just have to believe if it is in my heart, they hear me play?

There are a thousand ways to find a voice. There are a thousand ways for us to find a way of "saying what we need to say". How many of us trust in ourselves to say what we mean, and mean what we say?

The dear Lord is around us all, believe it or not. There are those, like me, that find that hard to fathom.

However, i know you have read my letter about the doorbell, i know you have seen me reach out endlessly, you also will know that i struggle deeply within myself, like so many of my brothers and sisters here.

What is the pathway forward? How many times does one disregard something that makes no sense to them......with the only preference that they have no idea?

My journey has been a journey that didn't need to be alone, but have i chosen that....or is my investment in misunderstanding myself, how it has panned out?

I celebrate your strength, the love of finding your source of strength, and i celebrate all you are dear sister.

Yes Millie, dear Jenm, is not just an inspiration, but the very source of it.

Strength and loveness to you dear sister.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to you dear Jenm.
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Unread 09-01-2015, 08:51 AM   #226
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Hi! Thanks lostdog, Millie, Tryn.........thank you so very much for the kind words.

I saw my new PO yesterday. She ain't playin. At first she was quite mean - but I don't have anything to hide and was completely honest with her. Once (I think) she realized that I am humble and honest, she got nicer. I guess it really doesn't matter if she's nice or not, this is something that I have to walk through because of the choices that I have made. I'm sure she is used to seeing many people who lie, cover up, try to cover their butt only, etc. I know I would be skeptical of anyone if I had that job. I'm glad I don't have that job. I now have some classes I have to do each week, but the good news is that they fit around my crazy schedule. Also, Lord willing, they will help me and be productive. I can always use help with life!

Anyway, it brought me back to that sad and icky feeling of what I have to go through in front of the judge next week. The fear set in and I got stuck there for a minute. Ok a few minutes. I got on the phone, got in the Word, watched a movie with my big boy afterschool, and then went and taught another fitness class. I know that this is going to be ok no matter what happens, I can walk through it, and there is another side to all of this.

Now I have to get these 3 boys to school, work all afternoon, teach 2 fitness classes at 2 gyms, and then attend one of these classes tonight. I shall pack my gym bag as I will be running from place to place. Have a wonderful day! Jenm

"But if from there you seek the Lord your God, you will find Him if you look for him with all your heart and with all your soul." Deuteronomy 4:29
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Unread 09-02-2015, 10:53 AM   #227
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You are so Brave and Strong, go JenM , I'm in your pocket at the fitness classes. I have a match tonight, yesterday was a cookie day.... but today no cookies for me. Take care and much support and hugs and luv to you!
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Unread 09-02-2015, 01:55 PM   #228
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Thanks lostdog! Good luck with your match, I know you'll do great! I like cookies. Ice cream is my current jam though. It is His strength in me that makes me brave and strong, certainly not mine. I tend to mess things up when I do it my way. Have a wonderful day! Jenm
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Unread 09-02-2015, 05:40 PM   #229
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Good job jenm.

Have a great day.
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Unread 09-03-2015, 08:51 AM   #230
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Hi!

I'm in a tough spot, but there is not a thought of drinking - and I'm sober. Praise God! I had a tough night at work last night, just one of those nights. I'm terrified of going in front of this judge next week, and a combination of things (work, my son used the car while I was at work to go to the mall and ran out all the gas, little stuff) just really got to me last night.

I'm in these treatment groups right now and one on one counseling with an addiction counselor as well as my biblical counselor. I really shouldn't complain, and I feel like I'm whining. I think some guilt from some of the things I've done has crept in a bit, but I can't live there, either. So it's stuff from the past and worry about the future - court next week - and I've been stuck for a minute.

However, I am aware of this and my need to get out of myself!! I'm grateful for what I have today and for what I have not lost. Seriously - it could be much, much worse and I am aware of that. I'm grateful that I'm sober, my boys are healthy, my family is amazing, I am employed (even though last night sucked) and I have you all. I really have amazing support in my life. My fitness director wrote me an amazing letter for my case and wants to come to court next week. My other jobs are 100% supportive and have also written me letters. This is just a little bit of downtime, but I'm not gonna stay there. Love, Jenm
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Unread 09-03-2015, 08:56 AM   #231
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jenm, Make amends then let the past go.

Turn everything over to your god.

Have a great day.
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Unread 09-03-2015, 09:17 AM   #232
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Good afternoon dear Jenm. Bright blessings to you.

I have 84 convictions and more than 200 appearances in court.

I neither cared or remembered half/most of them.....welp....because i could not give a flying hoot to be frank.

I was never in fear of what would happen to me, and had no real concept of why i was there. I was "off the rails", sooo....shit happens. This is what is supposed to happen.

Lets be real here. Much of our lives, we never really knew what was going on, what we were doing, we were addicted to alcohol and the utter mayhem that causes.

So, here i am a few years ago, being an "upstanding pillar of the community", but still alcoholism would not leave me alone even though i KNEW, it was time to jettison that part of my self destruction.

So nearly 3 years ago, i split the car in two, drunk late one evening. I had to go to court and face the music.

Well....Tryn?......all that past?....walk in the park right?

To this day i am devastated at my actions. I can not compute how i could behave in such a way.

Well hold on Tryn.......you've done all this shit before and felt nothing.....why does it mean so much now?

Because i have grown up? Because i have been lucky enough to be here? Because i realise there is still residue from the past that will come to bite me.

HOWEVER.....it is massively important, to me, that you are feeling what you are. I get your fear, i would be frightened too. Do not be. The fear has gone.

You know what i feel about R Lee, and with both my hands on my heart, take his advice.

Make amends dearest Jenm, do the time if it comes to it knowing that all of us are with you, and whatever happens, find solace, and turn everything over to your God.

Personally? I feel that has been such a change in you recently, a real commitment to your faith, and it is soooo honest, and so very true, i think that will be enough to keep you from jail time to be able to carry on your quest of faith in your God and in yourself.

Often you share with others they are an inspiration to you. You are a very real inspiration to me.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to you dear Jenm
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Unread 09-03-2015, 09:30 AM   #233
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It is good to vent, JenM, no apologies please, just get it off your chest.
The past creeps up and then visit it, and toss it while breathing out forceably. Go to a good yoga class, you are not teaching this, you are only a participant and when you breathe picture the past toxicity leaving. I know this may sound a little wild, but it helps. I'm glad you told us what was going on instead of drinking, you are doing fantastic!
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Unread 09-03-2015, 01:20 PM   #234
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I'm so glad you have so much support. That is definitely something to be thankful for.

I don't blame you for being nervous about next week. But of course it's out of your control, and you know that, and it sounds like you're taking a healthy spoonful and letting it go. So good for you.

Hang in there - this is temporary. Hugs!!
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Unread 09-03-2015, 06:00 PM   #235
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you are awesome Jen, & these thoughts will pass....remember my Jackson Pollock quote..?

"it's like a storm, it will pass."

quite wonderful!

anyway, how is your day?

Love xxx
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Unread 09-03-2015, 08:19 PM   #236
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Yes just as Jackson Pollock said "it's like a storm, it will pass". Sort of like the thought of taking that 1st. drink Don't act on that that & it just might pass unless you give it too much power.
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Unread 09-04-2015, 08:20 AM   #237
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Thanks lostdog, R Lee, Alexis, and Tryn!

It is indeed a new day. I purposely added some downtime and rest to my schedule yesterday and it helped - a lot! Amazing what a little sleep can do. Work last night was MUCH better, I made pretty good money, and was out of there by 9pm.

All is well with my soul. "You are my hiding place; you will protect me from trouble and surround me with songs of deliverance." Psalm 32:7 Have a wonderful day! Jenm
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Unread 09-04-2015, 11:06 AM   #238
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jenm, It sounds like you are in a good place.

Have a great day.
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Unread 09-04-2015, 01:39 PM   #239
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Your soul has always been good, I'm glad you are doing well, have a nice weekend and take care!
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Unread 09-07-2015, 05:38 PM   #240
jenm
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Hi!

Thanks lostdog and R Lee - just checking in before we head to my son's football game. I go in front of the judge on Wednesday morning. No matter what he decides, I will be ok. I have peace. Even if he decides that I need to go to jail that day, I will be ok. I have so much loving, caring, kind support and have covered my bases at all of my jobs - just in case. I need to be prepared for whatever happens.

I hope everyone had a nice Labor Day weekend! I worked all weekend, as I always do on weekends, and taught a bunch of fitness classes. I worked out this morning and have actually been pretty lazy since that time. Oh, I did start 1 load of laundry.

Off to watch my boy play some football. I told him that all of his plays must be perfect of his mommy would rush the field. I'm sure, as a cool high school kid, he would really like that. Love, Jenm
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Unread 09-07-2015, 06:17 PM   #241
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jenm, You will be in god's hands.It will be OK.
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Unread 09-08-2015, 08:27 AM   #242
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Best Wishes JenM and know that everyone is thinking of you.
I said a special prayer for you, too.
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Unread 09-08-2015, 04:25 PM   #243
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Hi Jen, you'll be in my thoughts tomorrow. Fingers crossed it goes really well!

(((hugs)))

Nancy
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Unread 09-08-2015, 05:23 PM   #244
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Hi Jen,

Come tomorrow morning, you will be in court. And yep, you are right, you will be okay!

Truth is, no matter what happens, you will blink your eyes and, what ever HAS happened, will be long over 'n done with---a month, a year, 5 years, however-much-time it takes/it lasts, it will have passed.

Whatever happens, you're gonna be okay. The main reason is that you ARE okay. That, I believe, is the main difference in our lives, between the times we were really sick and the times now, when we're genuinely seeking recovery.

You are okay now; you will be okay tomorrow. You are, one more time around, creating the rest of your life. Bumps there will be a few.

You though can endure them, based on your character, your decency and your faith. How can you lose with a foundation like that!?

Best,

sam
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Unread 09-08-2015, 05:30 PM   #245
Alexis
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good luck in court.

sending love xxx
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Unread 09-08-2015, 10:06 PM   #246
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I'll be thinking of you tomorrow Jen. You have done everything possible to prepare for court. You are accountable for your actions and take responsibility for them. It's a lesson for all. You have a great attitude. Keep it up.

Saint
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Unread 09-08-2015, 11:41 PM   #247
R. Lee
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jenm, Thoughts are with you tomorrow. You have the right attitude you will be OK.
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Unread 09-09-2015, 08:30 AM   #248
jenm
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Thank you so very much, everyone. I appreciate your prayers and thoughts today. I go in front of the judge in 2 hours. No matter what, it will be ok.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6

I am so grateful for all of you. Will let you know what happens. Love, Jenm
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Unread 09-09-2015, 09:58 AM   #249
Millie
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Thinking of you, Jenm. Good luck...
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Unread 09-09-2015, 12:25 PM   #250
jenm
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Praise the Lord! I didn't have to go in front of the judge today. It has been continued until 10/13.

Thank you all so very much for your support, prayers, and thoughts. I am so humbled. I am so grateful. Also a special thanks and I love you to Nan, my mom, who has never given up on me, even when I wanted to give up on myself. I love you.

Continued treatment, biblical counseling, one on one counseling, still wearing my ankle thingie, and going to that class that my PO put me in. One day at a time. I am so, so grateful. Now I can go to work tonight and all through this weekend as I desperately need to make money, and I get to be home at night with my boys. What a blessing. God is good. Thanks all, love, Jenm
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