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Unread 04-14-2014, 04:04 PM   #201
michaelc232
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Thanks Saint and Tryn!
Last night, I almost drank. I was having a terrible evening at work, the weather was dreary, co-workers were causing drama, and I felt like absolute shit.
And there it was, the liquor cabinet. It took everything in me not to grab a bottle of vodka on my way out. I had to remind myself of how far I have come, of the time sober I would be sacrificing if I chose to drink, of the sober people in my life who have carried me through. After pondering on all of those things, I was able to say no.
I work again tonight, but my friend Karen will be working and I am going to reach out to her. She is one of the people that has been there to talk me out of using/drinking when I'm having rough days. Love you guys! Blessings!

Michael
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Unread 04-14-2014, 05:06 PM   #202
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Michael, The simple reason you wanted to drink is because you are a alcoholic. You thought through that moments & remained sober. Good job.
The longer you stay sober the easier it will get. We are never cured. We have to be aware.
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Unread 04-14-2014, 10:22 PM   #203
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Michael,
My worst day sober is better than my best day drunk.

Alcohol is poison for us. Believe it. You've bounced back from some rough times. All it takes is one drink to get it all started again. I'm glad you thought through that first drink! As Lee mentions it does get easier the longer we are sober but we are never cured. Stay vigilant.

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Unread 04-15-2014, 09:39 AM   #204
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Hi Michael!

I was told not to drink even if my rear end falls off. Which I thought was funny, and I still do. Life isn't funny sometimes, but NOTHING is worth taking a drink over. It will pass, no matter what it is. It really will. I'm proud of you for thinking through that drink, and playing the tape all the way through. Keep it up! Take care, Jenm
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Unread 04-16-2014, 08:49 AM   #205
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Michael,

No matter what is happening in your life, we care about you. That will never change. Please talk to us.

Susie
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Unread 04-21-2014, 12:27 AM   #206
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Hey everyone. I regret to inform yall that I am taking tramadol again. I am so angry at myself, but I am just going to have to get back up and try again.
To be completely honest I have been failing in several areas of my life, and have lost alot of my will to fight. I'm not sure where I left it, but I need to find it soon so that I can continue moving forward with my life. I started back into my poor eating habits and gained 2 pounds back right after hitting my 40 pound loss milestone. I'm not sure what is wrong with me, but I know one thing is for sure, I need you guys' support more than anything right now.
I planned on getting back on my weight loss program tomorrow, but I messed up my knee today and may be unable to work out for 2-7 days depending on how long my knee pain lasts. I'm really down, and just need some support. Love you all! Blessings!

Michael
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Unread 04-21-2014, 10:11 AM   #207
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Michael, Simple reason may be is that you a re an alcoholic & drug addict & you did not think that 1st drug through. You are in my prayers. Thanks for being honest.
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Unread 04-22-2014, 11:55 AM   #208
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Michael,

Why are you angry with yourself?

Why do you fight your addiction?

Do you realize our friend, our brother Tryn has not posted in a week?

Have you read Mendela's thread titled 'son'?

It feels good to get high, get buzzed doesn't it? It makes our problems go away...... because we can't think straight.

Do you want sobriety?

We want what we want and we need it now because we can't live without it. Or can we?

Throw away those negative thoughts and focus on the person you want to be.

Believe in yourself, accept yourself for who you are and do what it takes to find sobriety.

I believe in you.

Saint
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Unread 04-23-2014, 01:07 PM   #209
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Hi Michael, just checking in to see how you're doing and if you set any plans into motion to help you get back on track.

Have you been able to cut back on the tramadol? How much are you taking?

Please let us know what's going on, ok?

Nancy
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Unread 04-24-2014, 02:21 AM   #210
michaelc232
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I drank tonight.....
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Unread 04-24-2014, 10:34 AM   #211
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Michael: I hope you are alright. What went through your mind for you to drink? You know that this cycle will never end until YOU put an end to it. Please let us know what's going on. We all care and we are all here for you.
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Unread 04-24-2014, 01:21 PM   #212
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Michael,

There are peaks and valleys in life. We must learn to handle the good and the bad sober. Self medicating with alcohol or drugs does not make the bad times go away nor does it make the good times better. It is just addiction, plain and simple. I know what it's like to drink in good times and bad, I've been there, done that and it wasn't a panacea, a cure all for my problems. As Julie mentioned we need to break the cycle of addiction, learn new ways to cope with what is going on in our lives. It saddens me, frustrates me to hear you are drinking because I know there is a better life for you in sobriety. It saddens me because I was once you and it took the majority of my life to find sobriety. I selfishly perhaps want sobriety for you now. It's frustrating because I know you need to do it for yourself, you need to want it..... I can only offer my support.

Please be careful and do not mix drugs such as Tramadol and alcohol.

Michael I would offer that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. There are other options to seek support to overcome addiction. Don't give up, reach out and surround yourself with those that have been where you find yourself today.

I wish you the best Michael. Stay safe and post.

Saint
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Unread 04-24-2014, 05:03 PM   #213
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Michael, Thanks for coming in & letting us know what you are doing. By saying I drank tonight shows me that this is not the kind of life you want for yourself.

Take it moment by moment & think through that urge to drink & drug. Call a sober person you know. Seek out help with a support group. I could not stay sober one my own. Try rehab.

As sad as it is your actions prove to me that it is not getting any better out there. I have to stay in tune with my program.

Good luck & we are here for you.
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Unread 04-25-2014, 04:20 PM   #214
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Hi Michael, please let us know how you're doing when you have a minute.

We care.

Nancy
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Unread 04-28-2014, 12:45 AM   #215
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Michael,
I know you're having a difficult time. We're here for you.

Saint
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Unread 04-28-2014, 02:17 AM   #216
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Hi Saint,

I keep forgetting to ask you if you heard about some study that says running 20 or so miles per week is healthy, but marathon type running isn't exactly conducive to longevity. Their saying that hard core runners are not living all that long. Great news huh? Just back words to my thinking, but something to think about I guess.

Frank
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Unread 04-28-2014, 06:31 PM   #217
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Michael,

It's a cloudy, cold, raw day here and my dog literally just threw up at my feet. The good news is he will eat all he just threw down leaving me just a little to clean up. I'm heading out for a 5 mile run in a few.

Thinking of you,
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Unread 04-28-2014, 07:59 PM   #218
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Frankie View Post
Hi Saint,

I keep forgetting to ask you if you heard about some study that says running 20 or so miles per week is healthy, but marathon type running isn't exactly conducive to longevity. Their saying that hard core runners are not living all that long. Great news huh? Just back words to my thinking, but something to think about I guess.

Frank
Frank,

Yeah I've read some of those same articles. It was a little disheartening at first read but it's a quality of life choice. I enjoy the challenge, the discipline to put in a lot of training and time (18 weeks) for one single day. Yeah call it crazy but I tell my self "no one gets out alive". Supposedly after 30 minutes per day exercise there is no long term health benefit....
Good to know you're still around and great to hear from you!
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Unread 04-28-2014, 10:30 PM   #219
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I'm doing ok. I'm sorry if I am worrying anyone with my absence, I just don't feel like talking much right now.
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Unread 04-29-2014, 02:26 AM   #220
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Hi Michael-Reading your posts - you are an inspiration to me. I know you are in a hard place right now. And I know that you can find your way back to where you want to be. You worked so hard for your sobriety. Life is enormous and hard and alcohol and drugs are a cozy buffer. I haven't achieved what you have, but I read your story. And I am so very humbled. Fight for you. And when you fight for you, it helps me fight for me. Together we can find our strength, our resiliency. Much love to you.
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Unread 04-29-2014, 10:08 AM   #221
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Michael,

I understand you not wanting to talk.....and don't feel you have to. Isolation is often a symptom of addiction. Sometimes it helps to get things out in the open. You have been so very honest with us here before. Just want you to know we are here for you. Hang in there Michael.

Thinking of you,
Saint
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Unread 04-29-2014, 10:10 AM   #222
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Sunshine,

You are kind, compassionate to reach out. Think sobriety.

Regards,
Saint
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Unread 04-29-2014, 11:36 AM   #223
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It just sucks ya know? After 8 months without a drink and it all ended in one night..... that just baffles me. I've been trying to act like I don't regret it, but the regret is so deep, and I can't stop it from coming to the surface anymore. I am angry, angry at myself, angry at the fact that I was born with this disease, and angry that I talked myself into drinking. I haven't worked out in over a week and a half, I am still taking tramadol (never with alcohol of course), and I am drinking, my life feels like a train wreck.
My resistance to talking about all of this is definitely not my lack of trust for you guys, it's just that once I talk about my problems, they become real again, and I have to either face them or use more to forget them. I don't know what to do.

Michael
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Unread 04-29-2014, 02:22 PM   #224
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Michael, You chose to drink & drug. Now you have the choice to do what you did before when you were able to stay sober. We have to work at staying sober what are you doing to stay sober from right now until the day is ever.

For everyone of us King Alcohol is on our shoulder waiting for us to have a weak moment.

Pick yourself up & work at being sober. Let go of the fact that you drank & drugged. You can not do anything about that now. Are you trying to contact a sober person or rehab to help you or are you going to do this by yourself.

You have control not to use Tramadol & alcohol at the same time. Use that same control to not use either of the substances at all.

You are right you are a train wreck waiting to happen. It might just be a fatal train wreck.
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Unread 04-29-2014, 06:46 PM   #225
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Michael,

It doesn't suck. We have addictive natures. It is who we are. Work through your anger. Accept who you are and make the best of what you want in life with the gifts God gave you. I saw a picture yesterday of a man in a wheel chair doing chin-ups on a bar. That's right he was strapped into his chair. Is he feeling sorry for himself or is he making the most of what he has?

We all give advice here, much of it repeated over and over. Why, because it has been proven to be true by those that have gone before us. "Think through that first drink", "it's not the tenth drink that will get us it is the first", "call someone before you pick up","People, places, and things", etc., etc. Michael you know what you have to do. Pull yourself up by your bootstraps and get to it.

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Unread 05-04-2014, 06:26 AM   #226
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Hi Michael, just stopping by to say hi; and that I hope you're doing well.

Nancy
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Unread 05-04-2014, 12:30 PM   #227
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Hi, I hope you are doing better Michael. At this time I am helping a friend who had 13 years clean, and went back to her DOC. Now, she is trying her best and has been doing well this past week, BUT as I told her once we have been clean/sober for a bit, 30/60/90 days or 13 years, it becomes a CHOICE to drink or use. Once we make that choice, the vicious cycle starts all over. One is too many, a thousand is never enough. Since you are able and capable of making choices, start making the choices that lead to the path of recovery and wholeness. None of us said when we grow up we want to be alcoholics and addicts. But we are, and that won't change. What does change is whether one lives in active addiction or remission. Best of luck.
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Unread 05-04-2014, 09:10 PM   #228
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julie47, Thanks for helping others. Yes I am aware if my stinking thinking gets in the way & I think I am cured I just might pick up that 1st drink & then I right where I would be as if I never stopped drinking.
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Unread 05-05-2014, 09:11 PM   #229
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Michael,
Wondering how you are? Let us know, we care.

Stay safe,
Saint
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Unread 05-07-2014, 09:38 AM   #230
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I am decent. I have gotten back on my workout plan and am continuing my weight loss. I'm not really drinking much at all, but I am still taking tramadol.
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Unread 05-07-2014, 10:11 AM   #231
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Hi Michael. I hope you are well. HMMM? You say you are "not drinking much at all". I take that as you are still drinking some? Michael, remember about making good choices? Are you? You know the only one that can end this vicious cycle is YOU, with the support of others, such as US!!!! xoxoo
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Unread 05-07-2014, 10:37 AM   #232
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Michael, You are choosing to drink & use Tramadol. You are living a dangerous lifestyle.

Thanks for being truthful. You do not have to live like this.

Hang with sober people & you will see how good a sober life is. At least you are coming in here to share the truth & not B. S. us.
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Unread 05-08-2014, 05:55 AM   #233
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Hi Michael, as R. Lee said, thanks for coming back and being truthful about what's going on.

You've done it before, you can do it again. We're here for you.

Nancy
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Unread 05-08-2014, 08:08 PM   #234
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Michael,
Don't give up, don't give up on yourself. We're here for you.

Thank you for your honesty,
Saint
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Unread 05-13-2014, 03:27 PM   #235
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Michael,

Hope all is well. Not sure if you're interested but I read an autobiography a while ago of Nikki Sixx and his battles with addiction. It was a pretty interesting read for me and I marveled at the things he did to his body and fortunately lived to tell about it. Just want you to know we are here for you.

Take care Michael,
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Unread 05-14-2014, 07:44 AM   #236
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Thank you Saint. I have not posted much lately because one of the ladies at my work broke her ankle and I have been picking up all of her shifts. It's a good thing though, because I am getting alot of overtime. Things are pretty much the same, light drinking with my friends here and there, but alot of tramadol use. I have been able to get them super cheap lately, so I have not had a moment that I have not been under thier influence in about 2 weeks. The thought of being without them scares me because I would instantly realize just how addicted I am based on the severity of the WD symptoms. I've become completely numb and have felt very little emotion. The thought of staying in this lifestyle sounds so inviting, but I know things will get bad if I do. My tolerance has already gone down and instead of taking 2 a day I take 3-5. Not sure what I'm going to do at this point, just needed to be truthful and get this all out. Thanks for listening, and I love you guys. Blessings!
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Unread 05-14-2014, 08:32 AM   #237
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Michael!

Thank you so much for being honest. I know it seems easy to stay in the place of feeling numb, but it isn't who you are and it won't last long. You know as well as I do that things always get worse. Think about how you felt the last time you got sober - right before - I remember feeling so filled with self-hate that I didn't think I could go on. Please take care of yourself. Think about how genuinely happy you were when you were drug and alcohol free. I am praying for you. Take care! Jenm
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Unread 05-14-2014, 09:03 AM   #238
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Michael, You do not have to live like this get some help.
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Unread 05-18-2014, 11:29 PM   #239
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Not doing too good. At this point I'm only taking Tramadol to feel normal. I have to take large doses to get high. I'm hopelessly addicted and it scares me.
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Unread 05-19-2014, 09:46 AM   #240
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Hi Michael, how much tramadol are you taking? Have you tried cutting down slowly?

You're not "hopelessly addicted". You need to gather up the power and strength from within you again and fight. Fight for your life.

We'll be here supporting you and helping the best we can. But you have to take that first step.

Nancy
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Unread 05-19-2014, 05:01 PM   #241
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I'm taking around 5 to 7 a day, sometimes more.
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Unread 05-19-2014, 07:11 PM   #242
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Hi Michael, do you have anyone who can help you try and taper off? Someone who would hold the tramadol and only give you the amount needed for that day? You could think about start by taking 5 a day, as a base point to start since you've been varying the amount. What strength are the tablets - are they the 50mg or the extended release ones which come in a few different strengths?

Nancy
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Unread 05-19-2014, 09:49 PM   #243
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50mg
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Unread 05-20-2014, 06:24 PM   #244
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Hi Michael, thanks for answering that. Do you think you can taper by yourself? Do you have anyone to help you or to whom you can be accountable?

Are you drinking while taking them?

Nancy
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Unread 05-20-2014, 09:26 PM   #245
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I don't feel like I could tell anyone I'm living with without being judged. And no, I never drink and take them at the same time.
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Unread 05-21-2014, 05:00 AM   #246
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Michael,

Nancy hit it on the head. It is not hopeless!!!! Get help, see your dr., call your local alcohol and drug center.

Please do not give up on yourself Michael. The hopeless feelings, they are normal for someone caught in the grips of addiction. I felt those feelings you find yourself feeling today. I live it..... but there is hope!! As Nancy said you need to make the first step. You got this Michael and we're here for you.

Keep posting,
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Unread 05-21-2014, 06:19 AM   #247
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Hi Michael, do you have a close friend you can confide in and get support from? You could post here daily to let us all know how you're doing. It's not the same as face-to-face support, but it is some type of accountability - even if it's to yourself.

I'm glad you're not drinking when taking the tramadol. That would add to the respiratory depression caused by the tramadol and could be extremely dangerous.

As Saint said "You got this Michael and we're here for you."

Nancy
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Unread 05-21-2014, 11:24 AM   #248
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michaelc232, Hey, friend, you can get out of this swirl you are in-you have done it before and know how to do it now. It shouldn't be too hard to taper down from the amount you are currently taking-you just have to want to. I am sorry that you have friends you think will "judge" you so you are unable to open up with them. For that I would say they must not be "friends" at all! Have you gone to any meetings? That would be a place to go where you will not be judged and maybe find a sponsor who will be a support for you.

Are you still working and going to church? How about a therapist? Find someone who you can trust to work with you as you strive to get better. Post and post and post as we are here listening and supporting. You are such a neat guy and have lots to give so get better!

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Unread 05-25-2014, 07:00 AM   #249
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Hi Michael, just checking in to see how you are. Please let us know when you have a minute.

Nancy
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Unread 05-25-2014, 12:59 PM   #250
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Michael,

How are you?

I saw an old clip of Lea Michelle speaking of her grief from the passing of Cory. She mentioned how we can either fall or rise from his passing, it is our choice.

I would suggest it is the same for addiction. It is our choice if we shall fall or if we shall rise.

Thinking of you Michael.

Stay safe,
Saint
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