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Unread 05-23-2015, 01:23 AM   #501
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Susie,
I'm so happy your husband is pain free. Walking for 6 weeks on a broken leg, Yikes!!! He's a tough one and lucky to have you by his side.
Science has come so far in the treatment of cancer. I have heard astounding stories of survival. The fact Monty wants to fight this disease will also help so much.
Do find some time to care for yourself. Sending positive energy your way!

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Unread 05-23-2015, 06:35 AM   #502
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Wshing you well this weekend Susie. Sending my love to you and Monty xx
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Unread 05-23-2015, 10:59 AM   #503
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Susie - Your son is privileged. Glad things going well...stay strong and one moment at a time...
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Unread 05-24-2015, 08:40 AM   #504
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Dearest Susie and Monty, bright blessings to you both.

I have purposely not read...yet......what is the latest news on your thread, i am replying to you from my thread.

Dear Susie, i want to fling my arms around you and Monty.

Since 11 is a lifelong journey. Oh.....this is going to hurt.

Susie, my life you know more than most, so "lifelong" to me was 20 odd years with dear Larry.

On our journey together as recovering alcoholics we have shared so much how to accept pain within ourselves and i know, alcoholics are immeasurably sensitive people. Forthright, for sure, i know something of what is happening for you at this time.

Fear engulfed me before he died. In myself i scrabbled around to find the strength that existed to make "it all better again". I could not imagine being without him. He has gone, and i still can't.

The last conversation we actually had compus mentus, was holding his hand and him telling me lovingly what we had both been through together and that he was the luckiest man in the world. I told him i was way luckier than him.

The park i walk through now i will stop to take just 1 buttercup home. It is still too painful for me to write coherently about it.

Dear Susie.....i thought i had lost my very, oh goodness....my very, very best friend.

The fact for me now is that i hear his words louder, his presence more keenly, his love more clearly, his love has not lingered, it has grown and has become a more and more important guide to my daily, however the tears still fall, and wherever, i just let them go. Gosh it hurts.

Painfree/reduction, keep asking, asking, and asking again for those medicating to explain.

And explain again.

Dear Susie i know this post is out of kilter from others posts, but i am replying to you from my thread where you expressed losing your lifelong friend.

You are never, ever going to lose Monty.

EVER.

I thought when Dear Larry "left me" i would be alone.

He has never been with me so much.

Millie will know what i mean when i say i play different piano music for him, almost every night.

My 1 regret Susie? You know i love you....so take this as read.

People to not "pop their clogs", they don't "pass away", all of us get to the stage at the end of our lives. I found that almost impossible to accept. I simply could not believe it. At that stage, had i accepted it, i would have stopped putting consultants up against walls, and more time with him.

The hospice angels told me to stop talking in innuendo.

My heart has smelted with yours for the well being of Monty. I understand your fears, truly i do. I will be here when those emotions surface.

It seems cruel to say, but it is true. My primary concern is to you dear Susie. I can not tell you how many times R Lee and Saint pissed me off.........at EXACTLY the right time......to tell me to "think through that first drink"....(how do they know to say it at precisely the right time?).......so i'm taking a punt......please dear Susie, you know.

We love you so much, i personally do not get told off so lovingly as often you tell me off, (other than the Nan, Nancy, R Lee, ummmm...dearest Jenm....ummm dear Saint......actually i get told off quite a lot....).

Hugs and loveness to you and Monty.
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Unread 05-24-2015, 09:14 AM   #505
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sweetest Susie, I'm praying for you and Monty. Much luv and hugs are sent your way.
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Unread 05-24-2015, 07:18 PM   #506
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Susie ,Over this long holiday weekend I have you & Monty in my thoughts. Stay strong & try to get some rest.
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Unread 05-24-2015, 11:43 PM   #507
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Saint, Alexis, Iam, Tryn, LD, RLee:

The lump in my throat is too large right now to allow me to respond to you now.

I will give you today's update: 2 fractured bones in right arm, broken rib with tumor on it, fractured femur in right hip (it was the left they replaced), spots on liver, lung, skull and growths on enlarged lymph nodes in groin. Grumpy Doc gives no hope. Other oncologist says he has seen miracles happen with multiple myeloma.

Morning was good; Monty's attitude was good. Then he had the third surgery in five days to replace the first portable catheter in his chest that failed in the first day. He has to have that because all veins are collapsing. He was very tired after the procedure (general anesthesia). Then Grumpy Doc told him he is severely anemic and not strong enough to move to rehab hospital (even though he has been walking the halls of the oncology floor). So they were transfusing him when I left. We'll move to rehab hospital tomorrow.

Today was hard on him emotionally. He is a great man: strong, ethical, a keeper of the values. Not necessarily of religion, but of humanity to our brothers and sisters. He was an Eagle Scout (IS an Eagle Scout), and a Viet Nam era vet. Because he was so good at fixing airplanes, he was the only one of 50 guys to go to Germany for three years. Many of his buddies died in Viet Nam, so today (Veteran's/Memorial Day in USA) is always tough.

He and my dad were the ones who called me Susie originally; then the grandchildren picked it up. One of my first memories of him is when he visited me after I had had the flu for a week or so. I wore my white T-shirt, my blue pleated skirt, bobbie socks, and mouseketeer ears. Anyone here old enough to remember Mickie Mouse Club? He had a crush on Annette (and later Goldie Hawn, Valerie Bertanelli, etc.)

56 years of my 67...I can't remember life before him.

Thanks for listening. I'm going to bed. Tomorrow is another long day that starts at 7 AM at the hospital.

I can do this...."I get by with a little help from my friends." Thank you.

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Unread 05-25-2015, 04:36 AM   #508
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I know dear Susie. I know you will do this.

All the travelling and churning of emotions is so dreadfully draining.

Please take moments to take on board a little food and plenty of fluids to keep your mind alert. We are here.

Loveness and strength to you dear Susie and Monty
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Unread 05-25-2015, 06:43 AM   #509
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Susie, i am thinking of you and Monty, we all are. If am trying to send love and peace across the pond to you both.

Lean on us all you need xxx
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Unread 05-25-2015, 07:43 AM   #510
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Hi Susie,

I'm so sorry that you (and Monty) are having to endure this crappy situation. Many times we've discussed this notion of mortality (most recently with Andy/Tryn) and have arrived at the same, always the same, conclusion: it sucks!

Beyond that, it makes no sense, to be healthy and fit one moment, to be g.d. immortal!, then an eyeblink later, we are not. I mean, what the hell!?

To live only to die? It is little more than a very bad cosmic joke.

Yet it is what it is.

And for that Susie, I say to you again, I am sorry.

You know Susie, like Tryn', and like you!, I enjoy words. But in these times, words are---well, they are just too damn puny.

Still, that other doctor, the Not Grumpy Doc, spoke of Miracles! Yes, now that is a word I like! May you and Monty discover one or two of those miracles!

best,

sam
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Unread 05-25-2015, 09:38 AM   #511
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remember everyday, I am thinking and praying for you.
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Unread 05-25-2015, 09:53 AM   #512
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Susie,

Thank you for sharing some of Monty's life with us. He is a lucky man to have you at his side. As the emotions and memories flow through you remember that all is not yet lost. As Doc #2 says there is hope though the situation may look bleak. Yes there is reason to hope and fight if the desire is there. Medicine and science have come a long way and I know personally of several situations where one would have thought the situation hopeless yet medicine had reversed their situation.

Regardless of what comes next Susie know we will be here for you to help you along and support you any way we can. I hope you can feel some of the compassion and love we feel for you as each coming day dawns.

Sending Monty, you and your family, love, strength and support.

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Unread 05-25-2015, 10:27 AM   #513
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Susie, Monty sounds like a great man. You have to rest so you can be there for Monty at his time of need. Stay strong. We are here for you. HUGS!!
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Unread 05-25-2015, 11:34 AM   #514
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Susie, thinking of you and Monty...hope things will be better...be strong.
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Unread 05-25-2015, 11:44 AM   #515
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Hi Susie,

As you know, I have been praying for you and Monty and I just caught up and read through your thread and said a prayer again. Much love, my friend, and you both will be lifted up in prayer. Love, Jenm

"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 (ESV)

The above Scripture is very dear to my heart.
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Unread 05-25-2015, 11:03 PM   #516
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Dear Ones,

I can no longer thank each person individually; there are so many of you, and the outpouring of support is so enormous and consistent, that I can only say thank you to all.

Music has always been a big part of Monty's life. He sang in the church choir and barber shop quartet in college. There were never enough tenors, and I sang alto, so they let me sing tenor and Monty and I held hands under our choir robes when we were kids!! When the housekeeper came to clean his room, even in his morphine "coma," he smiled and opened his eyes and started singing gospel with her.

My next door neighbor said the worst thing about Monty being in the hospital is that she doesn't hear him singing while he's working in the back yard.

No transfer to rehab today -- national holiday. Mayber tomorrow. Being at the mercy of others and learning to wait is the new norm.

Thanks for the prayer and the scripture, Jenm. I love you all.

I love you all; good night.
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Unread 05-26-2015, 03:47 AM   #517
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Susie,

I chuckled when you recounted how Monty and you held hands under your robes as kids. So many years together, so many good memories to hold onto and cherish. It's truly a testament of your love for each other.

I've been sitting here typing and deleting, not knowing the right thing to say. Instead let me give you a big (((HHugggg))) with the expectation that you will reach out when you need.

Thank you for sharing warm memories of Monty and you.

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Unread 05-26-2015, 07:44 AM   #518
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Susie, i also chuckled at the image of you both holding hands

When you mentioned the barber shop quartet i instantly thought of The Simpsons (me obsessed?? No!! )

Season 5 episode 1 - 'Homers barber shop quartet.'

It features The Be Sharps, a barbershop quartet founded by Homer Simpson. The band's story roughly parallels that of The Beatles. George Harrison and David Crosby guest star as themselves, and The Dapper Dans provide the singing voices of The Be Sharps.

Im sure Monty was better https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pURFU3pL93o

If you are able to or get chance, maybe you could watch it together and have a giggle.

Sending you both lots of love and hugs xx
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Unread 05-26-2015, 09:33 AM   #519
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Dearest Susie,

PLEASE take this on board from this upstart......

WAITING IS THE NOT THE NORM. It is what ....well.....do.

When your man is not firing on all cylinders, don your Karkis.....dont **** about......Do it.

Trust you. Trust your eyes. What they see.....is. If what they see needs intervention, make it happen. Do not let anything stop you. Nothing.

Trust me. If when you walk out and what needs to be done has been, and there happens to be a couple of fancy vans with fellows with machine guns with dodgy hats on, you will find they are terribly understanding.

There is no protocol. R Lee, how i wish i could listen to you around a roaring fire, where words hold the importance they always have, but now so, so much more so.

My dear Susie.......fight for his dignity. Do what it takes.

I once rang the hospice while dear Larry was in hospital, goodness me. I said, i no longer care what you say or do, i am taking him home now. They asked me how i was "going to take him home", i said, "on my ******** back".

About 30 minutes later, support and love was crawling all over him.

Make it happen Susie.

Hugs and loveness to you Dear Susie and Monty.
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Unread 05-26-2015, 09:58 AM   #520
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Stay strong Susie. You two are in my thoughts.
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Unread 05-26-2015, 01:30 PM   #521
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Susie, you and Monty are in my thoughts. He sounds like a wonderful person.

I too loved the story about holding hands under the robes. My husband and I met when I was 15 so we have similar experiences with being kids together. That's such a strong bond. Much much love to you.
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Unread 05-27-2015, 12:05 AM   #522
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Thanks to you all.

I went to the cafeteria in the hospital for lunch today and experienced deja vu. There is a special dining room for two where we were served steak dinner with a glass of red wine when our son was born there 37 years ago. I hadn't been there since. What a rush of memories!

Today we moved to a skilled nursing rehab center where he will get physical therapy for the hip replacement, radiation, chemotherapy, etc. for a week or two ........... or more....... until they feel he can operate independently at home.

He is getting a little cantankerous as he improves. He is anxious to get this show on the road. Having been through 6 heart attacks with him, I am used to this. It means he is improving and anxious to "work it off." I hope he can, but they keep reminding him that the odds are against him.

My son reminded me today that WE at least are going to maintain positive attitudes.
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Unread 05-27-2015, 12:15 AM   #523
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Thank you all for your positive attitudes.

Alexis, I will look for that episode on netflix. Millie, how cool that we aren't the only childhood sweethearts! There are not many of us left around. Saint, RLee, I know that the rocks are solid and always there when I need them. Jenm, thanks for your prayers.

Don't worry Tryn, when it comes to my family, or anyone who cannot protect themselves, I can be a great big (5'1") mamma lion! My profession has been to be an advocate for those who cannot advocate for themselves.

When my sponsor at AA asked me what I was afraid of, I said, "Nothing!" After caring for 4 old ladies, going through Monty's heart surgeries and my own, nothing scares me any more. Isn't that amazing?

Also, you guys feed my courage and my strength. Even though I don't have as much time for you, I know you are here. It helps. Thank you. Love, Susie
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Unread 05-27-2015, 08:37 AM   #524
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Hi Susie, Just checking in to send my positive, kindest, sweetest, thoughts to you and Monty.
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Unread 05-27-2015, 10:19 AM   #525
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LD,

Many thanks. I'm off to the hospital.
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Unread 05-27-2015, 10:38 AM   #526
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Susie - you and Monty in my thoughts...stay strong...hugs..
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Unread 05-27-2015, 12:38 PM   #527
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We're the same size, gmasusie! Sending you much love and big lion strength. (((hugs)))
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Unread 05-27-2015, 01:17 PM   #528
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Stay strong Susie. Accepting life on life's terms is sometimes hard to do. We do the footwork & the rest is out of our hands.
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Unread 05-27-2015, 08:58 PM   #529
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Thinking of you, Monty and your family Susie.

Peace,
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Unread 05-27-2015, 09:29 PM   #530
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Thanks LD, Iam, Millie, RLee, and Saint.

He is set up in rehab hospital today. My arms and legs and brain feel like lead, but he's OK and ready to take on the world. I can't even bring myself to make phone calls tonight. I'm going to bed.

Thanks again to all of you.
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Unread 05-27-2015, 11:19 PM   #531
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Good to hear his spirits up. Sounds like he will be well cared for. I hope you get the rest you need Susie.

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Unread 05-28-2015, 03:36 AM   #532
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Good morning dear Susie. Bright blessings to you.

How i know that situation when the loved one has settled and is feeling far stronger and as you say, "ready to take on the world", yet the loved one who has been doing the caring and worrying feels utterly shattered! Knowing Monty is pain free and being well cared for enables you to try and catch up on rest...food and fluids.

My strength and love to both you and Monty.
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Unread 05-28-2015, 07:21 AM   #533
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Hoping you are well and smiling today Susie. Give Monty a big hug from us all, and then a special one for yourself

Love xx
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Unread 05-28-2015, 09:01 AM   #534
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Saint, Tryn, Alexis,

Thank you so much. I guess this is the new normal. I woke up fresh and ready to tackle the world. I don't know why I get so tired when I do so little. Oh well. It's nice to know that each day is a new one. RLee and Saint helped me learn that.

Love, Susie

PS Alexis, you sound good! Thinking of others helps us get outside of ourselves. I am thinking of you.
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Unread 05-28-2015, 12:58 PM   #535
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Caring for others can indeed be so tiring, even if it's our favorite person. I'm glad he's getting care, and I'm so glad he seems to be doing better.

Please do try to take a little time to take care of you. Hugs to you, Susie.
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Unread 05-28-2015, 03:48 PM   #536
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Susie,
I think stress, mental, emotional is just as tiring as physical stress. Glad to hear you had a restful sleep. Hugggss to all.

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Unread 05-28-2015, 07:09 PM   #537
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Good evening Susie. Bright blessings to you.

Just a quick note,

I used to know a long distance runner...(i really don't get that). So quite reasonably i asked him, "you must be knackered all the time!"....He simply said that when he was not in training or running....THAT is when he felt exhausted.

Loveness to you and Monty
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Unread 05-28-2015, 07:45 PM   #538
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Susie, Through this you must take time for yourself to remain strong. Hugs!!
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Unread 05-28-2015, 10:20 PM   #539
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Millie, Saint, Tryn, RLee,

Thank you. I felt burdened by caring for my mother because she was so mean. Then I felt useless. I drank for both reasons (and because I am an alcoholic). Now, Monty worries about being a burden. I tell him that it is so much easier to care for them than for my mom. I don't feel a burden. I feel needed. Monty supported me all those years with my mom and when I had heart surgery. I don't even feel tempted to drink now.

I do feel tired. I take an hour or two in the evening to catch up on phone calls, consolidate notes, check in with you guys.

Tomorrow will be tough: shower day, chemo treatment, and first radiation treatment.
Say a little prayer for a good man. Thanks, Susie
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Unread 05-29-2015, 09:32 AM   #540
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Stay strong Susie. Hugs!
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Unread 05-29-2015, 11:28 AM   #541
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Dearest Susie......oh no...no....no!!!!...(Bright blessings to you)

Look at me. Now hold my hand.

If Tryn could have changed dear Larrys journey, for 1 thing.

I am so very much like you dear Susie, ......i can not count on a Nations fingers the amount of times the dear fellow said...... "sorry" for...."being ill".....for "putting me through this"..."for.....for.....for...."....eventually... ...i got really quite hurt he had to keep saying sorry to me.

I did what i have done to you, i said, "look into my eyes", i held his hand and tried with all Tryns perceived might, to placate his dear soul.

When i cried with my brothers and sisters the other night, the night you wrote on my thread you understood my loss and pain, .....the dear fellow is in a blissful place now, but i was not good enough, or capable enough, to guide him to his gates believing that it is simply "life and death". It hurt him so much he felt what he was going through was a "chore/burden" for me and my children", ...my advice is not to entertain it dear Susie.

Just gently whisper the bigs place equivalent of ..."balderdash". Keep saying it. Monty will get fed up and agree.

I am not a religious man, but i am. I am not "conventional"....but i am. My foundations i made....ferociously so. Now i have been sober long enough, and alive long enough to know my luck, the bullets that have missed, the trees that have collapsed after a 1000 years just after i walked past, and if there is any doubt that you are reading the words of the luckiest man on this planet, i am allowed to travel on public transport for free, so long as i promise not to speak. (Costs me a fortune dear Susie)

So yes, i do pray. I drop to my good knee dear Susie, i shut my eyes, and ask for miracles. Then i open my eyes, infront of my mirror and say....."well come on then".

I just want to hug you. Be peaceful and be strong. All i am belongs to you and Monty at this time. Loveness to you both.
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Unread 05-29-2015, 03:43 PM   #542
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Dear Susie, Want you to know that you both are in my thoughts and prayers each day! It shows what a good man Monty is when he is worrying about being a burden to you-but you just need to remind him that with love there is no such thing as being a burden-it is not even in the vocabulary!

It is hard to keep everyone updated, I know. Is there any way you can set up an email so you could just send one update to all? Sure would save you time and give you a bit more time to relax at home. The other thing about it is it is hard to go over and over the same things-with an email message the information is out there and you don't have to keep talking and talking!

I am currently in Montana for my grandson's high school graduation and graduation party! What a busy time, and a good time too. Airplane travel leaves a lot to be desired but it got me here safely so that is the good news. I look forward to your updates and I hope that you are getting the much needed rest! Hugs to you and Monty!

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Unread 05-29-2015, 07:13 PM   #543
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still thinking of you and praying daily for you and Monty.
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Unread 05-29-2015, 11:17 PM   #544
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RLee, Tryn, Nan & LD,

You have no idea how much your support means. I look forward to checking in as much as I dread getting another phone call.

Monty had 3rd chemo today: exhausted and nauseated, but still fighting! They told us today they have decided not to do radiation at this time. I think there are just too many "hot spots," but we'll find out more Monday at appointment with hemotologist/oncologist.

The shower today was the only real joy he has had in over a month!

RLee, I am trying, with your help. LD, thanks for the prayers; we need all we can get. Tryn, you know we are on the same wave length. Nan, excellent idea. I thought of it once and didn't get around to it. I will make it a priority tomorrow to set up a listserve of emails. I can write faster than I can talk, I think.

Love to all.
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Unread 05-30-2015, 10:05 AM   #545
Tryntryagain
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Good afternoon dear Susie. Bright blessings to you.

I have a question for you dear Susie.

How many times have you "meant.......wanted to.....and have" said "shuuushhh" to another's heart?

You know those fireworks that are inside us when we fall for one another? They are so terribly welcome. "Ourselves" become giggly and so dreadfully silly.

It is then our hearts become full up with what we know life is truly....all about.

Those same hearts grow to their extension, their twilight that dredges the valley of tears we have held onto for ...oh so very long.

1 of the reasons love works so magnificently well...is becomes sometimes it hurts...so, so bad. It is because it does, us daft humans value it so very, very much.

The only thing funnily enough "all of us did right" as a species...was find love.

I love you, we love you.

Be peaceful, be your own parent for now, next time you hold Montys hand, think of me for a split second, he will feel it.

Loveness to you and Monty
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Unread 05-30-2015, 10:13 AM   #546
iamtrying
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Susie, thinking of Monty and you...hope things will get better soon...stay strong...
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Unread 05-30-2015, 09:38 PM   #547
gmasusie
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Tryn,

Thank you. I will think of you, and I will tell him.

Iam,

Thank you. Today was a good day. No chemo, several friends visited. As RLee and Saint say, we are taking it one day at a time.

Love, Susie
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Unread 05-31-2015, 04:38 AM   #548
Tryntryagain
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Dearest Susie. Bright blessings to you.

I can sense your tiredness.

Your courage at this time, beautiful.

Food and rest/sleep.

Loveness to you and Monty
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Unread 05-31-2015, 12:52 PM   #549
R. Lee
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Susie, I am so glad you had a good day.

Hugs!!
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Unread 05-31-2015, 09:54 PM   #550
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Good day today. Just physical therapy, no chemo. He is getting stronger. Tomorrow is appt. with oncologist/hemotologist. Love to all. Thanks, Tryn and RLee
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