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Unread 12-09-2016, 03:28 PM   #4901
Tryntryagain
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Good evening everyone. Bright blessings to you all.

Dearest Alexis, dear, dear Sam, my American mum Nan, and my dear R Lee, my love for you all unrivalled by anything I have experienced in my life with the great man, and since.

I am feeling better. Much better breathing. I have stuff called Oramorph which seems to conflict with other stuff, yet is quite effective for pain. A nurse rang me this afternoon to see how I was getting on with the Oxygen, it is not permanent, I don't take the ole fella out with it! It is just there for time to time. A bit like an asthmatic has an inhaler and I should wear it to bed in my nose.

I am still taking on board this week, I shall be fine, I wish I could show you all my Christmas tree. Rolo's paws are gently "tap dancing" on my floors, I am in my dressing gown, so very tired. Yet my goodness, I am so cosy. So lucky. My dearest Alexis will tell you about..."Muller Light Corners"....Ohhh yes.

They are yogurts, and 1 corner has something in it you can tip into the other. So fantastically yummy. I am off up the wooden hill with the fella with a blackberry and raspberry one with a glass of clementine juice.

I must say, I wish I had done this shit when I was Alexis age!

Anyhew, I will try to write more this weekend. My heart and soul are feeling good.

So much loveness I have for this family. So very much.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all.
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Unread 12-09-2016, 05:24 PM   #4902
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I'm so glad you are better! I've been wishing for it forever, like a child wants a gift from Santa.
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Unread 12-09-2016, 07:08 PM   #4903
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Sweet dreams to my Little Brother. I'm so happy you had a better day today.

Hugs across the ocean.

Your Big Sis
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Unread 12-11-2016, 07:10 AM   #4904
Tryntryagain
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Good morning everyone. Bright blessings to you all.

My dearest Lost Dog and my dear, dear big Sis Nancy, thank you ever so much.

It is 11.15am in my dear ole Blighty, and i have just begun to find my breath again after a punch up this morning. It's been a long time since that has happened, yet i could not help myself. I shall explain.

Early doors this morning i take the ole fella out as normal. I often see other dogs walkers and we say hello and good morning as we pass by. At the end of our walk we walk down a narrow path that runs for a mile. I can see the entirety, and thus i let the ole fella off the lead if there is no one coming and he trots with me and around me. If i see someone coming, many hundreds of feet away, i call him, pop him on the lead and walk on.

This morning, the same, yet this time 500 yards away i saw another dog walker, called the ole fella put him on the lead, and saw the other dog walker watching me do this. His dog was not on a lead and as he had plenty of warning i assumed his dog was perhaps old and not a problem. 50 yards away this other dog rushes and attacks Rolo ferociously. It was left to me to separate the dogs as his owner was still a way off coming running. I put myself between the dog and Rolo and his dog bit me. Now he had his dog by the collar i turned to him and said,

"put your ****ing dog on a ****ing lead you ****ing p***k.

He stopped and said to me,

"Come and say that to my face."

I stopped, turned around, walked right up to him and said,

"You're a ****ing p***k. Would you like me to say it again?"

He pushed me and i punched him in the face. He stumbled backwards and fell over. I turned to walk away and he "released" his dog off the lead again and ordered it to attack me. I had my walking stick with me and swung it at the dog who was leaping at me. I shouted to him that if he did not call it off i would kill it. Rolo was doing his nut.....lots of noise for a very early Sunday morning and i was but 200 yards from home.

I have been here for 4 years, and my next door neighbour, and other neighbours to be fair... like me, and had come out en masse to find out what the hell was going on. Joe, (the chap i who i saved his life) had seen much of it, was absolutely furious and wanted to "have" this guy. I told him to take Rolo and this now w****r realising he was more than outnumbered tried to slink away.

Well my gander was up by now, so i told everyone to go in so i could have it out with him 1 to 1. I followed him as best i could yet Tryn is not a well man and i was really struggling to breathe. I really could not care less i was going to knock this p***k into next month. He stopped......i dropped my stick, threw my arms wide and beckoned him to me. 5 feet from me he started to apologise profusely. I said to him.....

"Now what was the ****ing problem with doing that in the first place?"

I told him when i walked dear Rolo, the times of day and told him that if he saw me in the future he wanted to hope he had seen me first as if he came anywhere near me or Rolo again it would be the last ****ing thing he ever did. I will not put up with ignorance and arrogance when it puts Rolo in danger. End of.

So i have a nice bite mark on my arm, and thank goodness for oxygen is all i can say. The upside of this were how lovely my neighbours have been knocking on our door asking us if we are both ok. Really sweet.

So not the most marvelous start to a Sunday, yet needs must i'm afraid.

So still in the morning, and my friend Abid with these terrible mental health issues.. i have invited round to my little home this afternoon for some Sunday roast. I am aware he has a keen eye on 1 of my daughters, (he has been after her for years bless him), my daughter txting me the other day and asking me if i "might have a word with him as his advances are becoming "boring and unwelcome"....her words not mine....so i shall have a quite word with him this afternoon and gently suggest that he backs off.

So yesterday i had a good ole "winter clean". I know one usually reserves that for a jolly good "spring clean" yet for Tryn, i do the very same in every season on our beautiful planet. I am so very proud to have a home. So very ashamed my dear ole Blighty can not say the same for the rest of my citizens. Still, it is incumbent upon me to make the best of my home and the best of me.

Sooo...my dear Milan has gotton me in touch with a charity that i did not know existed in my city, and i have put myself forward to open up my little home to another, or maybe a couple, for the Christmas period. I am working at a night shelter on Christmas day with Rolo, so they would need to come with me to help, yet other than that, they are welcome over that time. I am hoping if it comes off i will be able to find a pathway forwards for them so my little home would not be a "temporary respite" yet a stepping stone to help whoever they are find somewhere to call home. So i am quite excited about that. My issue is something called a CRB. It stands for "Criminal Records bureau". If you wish to "work" with vulnerable folk they have to check any convictions to make sure you are not a nutter.

"Ahhh, that is going to be a problem dear Milan. On paper i am one of the biggest nutters in dear ole Blighty."

The dear fellow told me not to worry as he knew who ran the show down here and has written to them explaining a few things on my behalf. So that is all rather super, so i look forward to perhaps hearing from them early next week.

It would be sooo easy for me to think, "Awww, i'm not very well, i'm afraid i would not be able to take anyone in from the cold"........i wonder how many folk will think....."I'm not very well. If i could provide for another/s....just think how much better i would feel". I really hope it comes off and secretly i'm really rather quite excited about it. Fingers crossed.

So my lovelys, what a start to the day! All calmed down, breathing back to normalish, and the dear ole fella asleep on my foot.

It is a wonderful, wonderful world.....with an awful lot of ****king p***ks in it.

Have a great day.

Be peaceful, (unless you're being attacked by a dog), be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all.
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Unread 12-11-2016, 09:52 AM   #4905
Alexis
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Wow crazy day for toy Tryn. Hope you have managed to keep calm and use the oxygen. Don't want you getting stressed out!

How do you feel now?

Love you xx
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Unread 12-11-2016, 10:09 AM   #4906
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My dear little brother, YIKES!! I'm glad you're ok - relatively speaking - but should you have that bite checked especially for rabies or tetanus? Did it break the skin?

I hope you have a restful rest of your day.

Giant hugs to you and Rolo.

Big Sis
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Unread 12-11-2016, 03:50 PM   #4907
Tryntryagain
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Good evening everyone. Bright blessings to you all.

My dearest Alexis, and my dear big Sis Nancy, indeed not the best starts to the day I grant you, yet dealt with. I am more than capable of "stepping outside the box" when it is called for and returning to "back in da room" quite as easily.

I will not put up with p***ks like that. I am to old, and Rolo doesn't need it.

Yes Nancy 2 little breaks of the skin, (through all my layers you know I wear), I have nothing to worry about. My journey has meant I am up to the eyeballs with the relevant meds. I rather thought I should find where the idiot lives so he can get his dog checked out.

You asked me kindly how I was feeling now dear Alexis. Well, every dark cloud, truly, truly, truly has a silver lining. It does not matter how many times you thump, or get thumped, it is always a shock. One never gets used to it. My dear ole fella had the very same today.

Trotting along his way, called back to his partner, minding his own business....and WHAM.....he was attacked. The then following hoo-hah....the silver lining?

The ole fella and I have been so very close today through all our emotions. In a way it brought us just that little bit closer together. He is an independent ole soul bless him, yet today we connected in a way that had no choice but to say we would be there for each other. In our own way, we saw that in each other.

Quite lovely.

I have had the most splendid of baths...bath salts and all. I do not know if you have a shop called "Lush" in the big place, yet I buy "fizz bombs" from the place.

(Jeezzee, shows you how old I am, I used to snort fizz bombs...now I put them in da bath!).....anyhew....

These fizz bombs just sort of explode and dissolve in the bath. They cost a small fortune per shout, yet my goodness...a good soak......then that "moment"....when I....in slow motion.....shake my head and imagine I have a head of hair.....look into my shaving mirror and say...."'cos i'm worth it. Innit?".....

And back in da room!

I am trying so very hard to stay on top of what is wrong with me by the first time in my life... using what is right with me. Dear Alexis, if only...I did this....10 years ago?...ok......ok maybe 15....alright enough already....5 years ago.

The reason I am here is because whatever I decided to do I wasn't going to do it tomorrow or yesterday. I was going to do it now.

I have been about and I know about traits. I know that addicts will do it now, not tomorrow, not yesterday.

"Do it?"....

"Yeah do it."

"Do what?"

"What I want"

"What do you want?"

"I know what I don't want"

"That is not an answer"

"Oh yes, oh yes it is. It is THE answer. The rest is called yourself and life".

It is easy to be wise after the event and I am in that realm. If only I could show you how I got my soul, my spirit, everyone would realise that it was lying at the end of their beds and sleeping deeply in their heads.

Having been someone so breathtakingly out of order the wrong way, means I can swing to the other extreme and be sickeningly full of goodness as a way forward.

I just don't know how it can be so very different without drink or drugs. (Even without cigs). It is in a way that only doing it, even just to find out what Tryn is waffling on about, ......got to be worth it. I wager you will know what I mean.

My dear ole Blighty is going through a mild spell at the mo which makes dear Rolo's early morning stroll so much more engaging. I try to take him out again for a long ole stroll, yet as the day wears on so do I. I am sitting here after my bath, my PYJs, it is flirting with 8.30pm, and all I can do is open the door for the ole fella and keep an eye out this time round. Oohhh...I have a bee in my bonnet.

I am a dog poo picker upper. It ****s me off no ends when I see dog poo bags used, and then chucked! Its worse! You are better off letting the pooch poo and leaving it to the rain! Drives me nuts. Grrrrr.

So Monday is looming. Health stuff going on and whatnot. Tuesday/Wed and Friday.

I just want to say goodnight by sharing with you all how lucky I feel. How warm, how safe. In touch with myself, the bits I used not to want to know, are a part of me that makes me strong.

Acceptance is only found on a round-a-bout. You will have other choices to make. My reckoning is that all of us, go round and round in circles and always end up going round the same round-a-bout. If we live long enough after taking all others, we can learn to forgive ourselves and others.

Not once did I ever "think this ahead of time". I am only coming to understand that is what I am doing.

I do not think it is "too late". I don't, simply because those that were where I was.... are no more. How can it be too late then?

I am the luckiest, jammiest, most grateful person you have ever met. 3 years ago, I was the complete opposite.

For goodness sake do not tell him....yet the ole fella?...dear ole Rolo....has not just given me meaning, yet the reason why meaning is so very beautiful. I adore the ole fella.

Here we go...up the wooden hill...old, ugly and achy... yet here.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all.
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Unread 12-11-2016, 04:12 PM   #4908
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Tryn, i am glad to read your letter. You sound so good you really do! It makes me smile.

Maybe i will treat myself to something from Lush!? i used to get bath bombs when i was at uni but havent for a long time.

Im so glad you have Rolo too, i wish him and Jackson could meet

Good night, love to you both xx
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Unread 12-12-2016, 06:11 AM   #4909
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Good morning everyone. Bright blessings to you all.

My dearest Alexis, it is always so good to make others smile.

As you will know dear Alexis, it is proper miserable out there today. Mizzle constantly in the air yet reasonably mild.

Welp my dear brothers and sisters today i shall be trying to work out what to do with this food i cooked yesterday as my friend Abid was supposed to be coming round. I am not altogether surprised he did not as the confusion that surrounds his daily life i have pity for. I have tried to ring him this morning yet could only leave a message. Perhaps he will be able to come over today.

I am gearing myself up for this week. I have hospital tomorrow, on Wednesday and again on Friday. I have my session with dear Milan tomorrow morning between 8.30am-9.30am which is a quite wonderful way of foundating moving forward with the week. I am past being scared and feel really rather quite calm about the stuff this week. I have the dog lady coming this afternoon for a cuppa so we can work out times and whatnot for the ole fella, and i shall pay her this afternoon so that is out of the way. My poor little piggy bank is echoing so it is! However when it comes to money, acceptance again is the key. I do get fed up of being poor, yet it is only money. Within these walls is love, sharing and caring. There's no cheque for that.

Now i have something to share with you. It is about temptation and principles.

As you will remember 4 years ago now i crashed a car drunk, splitting it in two, no one was hurt. The fact it was a lamp post and not humans is, and was irrelevant. Nothing effected me as an alcoholic more than that. I was lucky to avoid jail, (i would have jailed me) and was banned from driving for 3 years. That ban was up a year ago. I had promised myself, for the safety of all that i would not drive again until i was a least 2 years sober. I was written to by the driving licence people offering my licence back, i rang them and declined it. They were so nice about it. All my moaning, pain and groaning having to walk when i really can't, everyday it is far preferential than the alternative.

So last night, after i noticed a car parked in my parking bay that is obviously always empty, Joe came round from next door and told m,e that his sister had upgraded her car, and as a gift from his family to me, i could "have the car". He told me they thought of it as he sees me struggling through the rain first thing in the morning and last thing at night. He knows the struggles i have getting to and from hospital and said to me, "just imagine where you could take Rolo?".....My first reaction.....

OOOHHHHH YYYEEEAAAHHHHH!!!!PUKKA.......Whoa, whoa, hold on a minute......

What about the promise i made to myself? I had...and have chosen a pathway. When i made my mind up those years ago i knew it was a reasonable and responsible pathway forward for me with driving. Nothing has changed.

I enjoy my sobriety a day at a time and i will know in my heart when i am ready. Having a "bit of luck" does not speed up the process of knowing when i am ready.

Trying to explain to a 26 year old who has offered something quite wonderful that you have to turn it down was hard. He took it as an insult and it took me to actually put my arm round his shoulder so i could explain it was far from an insult. I shared the total fear i experienced. After the crash sitting on a wall in the freezing cold calling the Police on myself. Sitting in my cell, not feeling sorry for myself, and trying to agree with furious policemen that it was a miracle i had not killed someone.

He heard me and by the time he left with they keys he respected my decision by telling me i had made a "fat choice".....which apparently means....a good choice.

Now then....i can see the car out of my window. Do you think i am looking at it with longing? Not a bit of it. I do believe it is simply being happy with my choice at this time. I have gotton used to living this way. I have adapted. I can handle it for now. If i am here this time next year, we will talk about it then.

Also, i would probably not be able to afford to run a car anyway. It seems surprising as my reputation of never driving legally through decades means it is assumed i will continue to do so. Back in the day i would drive to court, get banned from driving, and drive home. I simply did not care.

I do now. Not only for today and tomorrow. I care about what i have done. It shows me because i want to know, how far i am moving on. I far i have come.

A long way to go for sure, yet i see choices like this as stepping stones back to me.

Anyhew my lovelys, Tryn is waffling.

It has stretched past 11am now in my dear ole Blighty and time to give the ole fella a jolly good cuddle.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all.
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Unread 12-12-2016, 07:22 AM   #4910
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Tryn i think you were very brave and loyal to your decision. If its the right one, (which i believe it is) then we stick by you. good for you. Everyday you show me how to be a better person, thank you for that xxx
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Unread 12-12-2016, 10:01 AM   #4911
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Tryn, Good luck with the busy week. As for the gift of the car if you can afford the insurance take it & get your drivers license back. As long as you remain sober then forget the promise to yourself. Keep it simple.
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Unread 12-12-2016, 10:06 AM   #4912
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I also think its a good idea to NOT take the car, because it is expensive to run like you said...yes it gives you more freedom but petrol is not cheap, insurance isnt, maintenance....MOT...

I was thinking of getting a moped next year, saving up for it. But in reality, i cant afford to keep it running. It will just add to stress. xx
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Unread 12-13-2016, 06:19 AM   #4913
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Hi Little Brother. Wow, what a nice gesture from Joe and his family to you. While it would be nice to keep, would it bother you that you broke your promise to yourself? And would it drive (no pun intended ) you crazy with the expense it would bring?

I think the biggest thing out of it is that it seems like Joe would be willing to help you out when and if he could if you needed a ride somewhere. I like knowing that.

Glad you were able to talk with Milan this morning about all of this.

Have you always in my heart and am keeping fingers crossed for all your hospital visits this week.

Sending huge hugs across the ocean.

Big Sis
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Unread 12-13-2016, 11:21 AM   #4914
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Good afternoon everyone. Bright blessings to you all.

My dearest Alexis, my dear R Lee, awww my dear, dear big Sis Nancy, thank you so much for your thoughts and love.

Before i answer you, just to let you know hospital done...1 down 2 to go this week. It was a "bronchial visit". Not a terribly successful one, and we move on.

I have just had an 20 min call on my phone, since my last sentence from 1 of my girls Louise. The dear girl is doing cartwheels. She "was" and "HA"...(Health Assistant) in her chemist, and today she got results that meant she passed an exam which now makes her a "Dispenser" indeed!

I, of course told her how dreadfully proud of her i was, yet made her cry when i told her why.

Good tears.

This now pinnacle is something the little'un never thought she could aspire to. I have lived in "many worlds" so i know you can come from riches and walk it, and come from nothing and "get there". Once "there"....who you are... decides whether you will move forward or not.

Out of all 6 kids, Louise was the one that never did well at school.

Out of all 6 kids, Louise was the one that loved school the most.

Go figure~

So, so, so very proud of that woman now.

Thank you for your thoughts around the car.

On my journey i have tried to find out what "the right thing to do was".....whilst very much disappearing into all the wrong things. As any Londoner you ask for directions will tell ya....."Oooo, if you want to get there, i wouldn't start from 'ere"...and so it was, and sometimes is, my confusion we all experience in our own ways.

My dear Milan during our session this morning shared with me that for him, i always was thinking outside the box. Having been on my metaphorical knees, incredulous i am here, and having no where else to go to make sense of it all, to make sense of my journey and me, thanked him for standing by me when i was struggling so.

I share with him, when he asks me where i get my strength, i do not say it is from my family here, it opens a door so we may talk about my family here. It makes him react very emotionally.

You know in your apartment...your flat....bedsit....house......your home...you have a cupboard you shove everything in....you don't want..?

Decades of hurt....shit.....stuffed into that cupboard. All stuffed in.

Eventually you get to the point where you are using yer bum and shoulders to shut that very door. It can't take anymore.

I could not take anymore...or die. Simples.

I could not open that cupboard on my own. I didn't have the strength. (Ergo courage)

So, Leigh Anne, and all our brothers and sisters struggling, i tried to create an opportunity by reaching out in everyway i could (which all of us individually have done by finding this family) and found a whole bunch of well hard bouncers that had been there and done it......to help me open the door.

Whilst i was jumping up and down to what fell out, aggressively...giving it the "OMG"....turning to my family/bouncers for safety, .....

...most if not all, were so totally laid back, i do believe half were yawning...so they were.

Back in my day the dialogue would be , "no one understands me". Sure dialogue changes as everything evolves so fast...yet many things will always remain the same.

Imagine being a Whale, or a Dolphin......doing tricks every day. When you finish work, a steel gate will open and you can "swim to bed".

I told you all years ago it was possible to swim out to sea on your own. It is not.

That cage of addiction that perpetuates itself is something that others could see so clearly for at least 25 years, and i couldn't.

We talk of 1 day at a time, whoever, wherever and whatever our endeavors, 1 day at a time. I think i am different in the respect that i have had more help, more offered to me on my journey, over decades....that you could only dream of.

I was always arrogant. How was i to know that arrogance = ignorance?

Since i have truly become sober, i even do not believe myself how i am here. Jesus Christ.....**** me.

I was dying, googled, and here i am.

You all let me down terribly at first. I thought you had a "silver bullet".

Now i know you did.

You taught me to know how to accept i had choices, and i needed to take responsibility for those choices. Simple as that. I didn't know how to handle that so either came out fighting, or ignored it. I just could not look "in".

I do not know if this may resonate with our dearest Alexis, yet i had nowhere left to "run"...to "go"....if i wanted to engage.

The strength i found here, was after...hmmm, maybe a year or so, i actually listened. When i heard, well...as you know it changed my life. I became comforatble enough in my own skin to recognise that i needed to be my best friend. (Sometimes i a
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Unread 12-13-2016, 11:40 AM   #4915
Tryntryagain
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(do excuse me, wrong button)....

...i am most definitely not. I try to be, and i listen to others that try to guide me from their experience.

So i thought i needed to find my own boundaries. Make little "promises to myself". I knew if i broke them i was only letting myself down.

My journey has meant that "nuffin means nuffin".

To even think of promising myself something, meant i was learning what trusting myself was, and thus, how i could go about trusting others.

So dear Nancy, you know what waffle Tryn has got on him, and that was an extremely long way round of saying...yes...now promises are important.

I am sober, and my dear R Lee is perfectly reasonable by suggesting that "go for it"...oh gosh... it would make a difference.

Perhaps i am being too restrictive. Perhaps i am being silly. This is also not about punishing myself.

Yup, it made sense then, it makes sense now. See how we go.

It has gone terribly dark all of a sudden in our dear ole Blighty, night time is here to stay for a while. How i love her visits now. The Christmas tree lights bounce off dear Rolos coat/s as i look at him by my foot, my lime green drapes glistening with the purple and deep blue lights. How lovely.

One last thing before i go.

I am a West Ham supporter our dear Alexis. For our brothers and sisters in the big place, they will not get that "West" Ham is in "East" London! Arsenal being North London. I wish well on all teams. I just wish mine the weller.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all.
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Unread 12-13-2016, 06:43 PM   #4916
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ah yes of course, West Ham! How could i forget haha.

Love you Tryn xx
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Unread 12-13-2016, 06:51 PM   #4917
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What a week you've had. Never a dull moment in Tryn's world!

I hope you're sleeping well, and that tomorrow is peaceful and uneventful. At least that any events are joyful.

Hugs, Tryn.
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Unread 12-13-2016, 09:44 PM   #4918
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I missed a lot of action lately in your life. The medical care and a mean owner. A dog learns behavior from his owner and surroundings and needs training and discipline if he tends to bite. This man trained his dog to sic on others. He's a creep. Poor little
Rolo and you and this other dog, I know it's not his fault like I said. However, there are consequences for this man and those who he gathers for weapons against others. I totally understand your defense situation. It is very sad about this man. He longs to dominate and kill. Stay away from him..... I see Joe mentioned twice with the dog and car. Long ago, I told you he was your friend and he is.you were very lonely then and your spirit has grown so much. You are very strong.
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Unread 12-17-2016, 03:34 AM   #4919
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Good morning everyone. Bright blessings to you all.

My dearest Alexis, dearest Millie and dearest Lost Dog, thank you so much. Dear Alexis, I am keeping my head down "re West Ham"....since they got their supoer doper new stadium they have been next to awful. Always another day, always the next game though.

My dearest Millie, how often Tryn on his journey had wished for less "drama"! The 3 people that have loved me on my journey have always said that with me about, "life will never be boring"....indeed.

My dearest Lost Dog, yes, I was once lonely. You know none of my circumstances have changed....yet I have. As I become to get to know "me" more, the less lonely I feel. My dear Rolo most certainly has risen through the ranks very quickly to now being my bestest friend, I feel lonely no more. Sure I am alone, not lonely.

It is creeping delicately up to 8am in my dear ole Blighty. It is yet another overcast yet mild day. The ole fella just back from his walk and fast asleep in my bed. He is so sweet. He trots off into the bedroom, grabs my duvet, pulls it out of the way, and then lays on "my bit" that is still warm from a night times sleep. Very special fella he is.

It has been a difficult week for sure. I had my hospital visits, yet not the one yesterday as it is deemed things have "moved on" and the procedure yesterday would have been inappropriate. That pain I am in I can not quantify, and I am not going to try. I refuse to spend more than a paragraph to explain to you all. It is ongoing, hospital again on Monday if the NHS hasn't completely melted down by then. I feel by writing about it it will perpetuate my negative emotions around this journey, so trying to stay positive means just that.

My kids drift in and out of my life. Most in London now, of course Jakey boy in prison, I rarely hear from my Ant. (All 6ft 6' of him) It is usually Lou, lou and Aaliyah I have weekly contact with.

So imagine my delight last night when I received a tx from Ant saying he had got my Christmas present, that he really wanted to natter with me, that he was very sorry for going "quiet" on me, and went on to say he was trying to "get his life together". I am aware he has had terrible problems with his long term girlfriend who seems to find it almost impossible to stop sleep[ng with other folk, which hurts Ant terribly. He is most definitely a gentle giant, however there is a marked difference between being a gentle giant and a ****ing doormat. So when he finishes work this afternoon he will be coming to my little home, (I tell all the children when they ask to come that "my home will always be your home".....you can imagine not having parents of my own and growing up on the street, it is vitally important to me that my kids always know they have a home).....and I am soooo excited to see him. He will get to meet Rolo for the first time even though everyone has seen him as Lou lou took some pics and shared them with the family on facebook.

When they all grew up, I feel Ant thought, (wrongly) that little Jake was everyone's favourite. Ant is, and was a very, very quiet boy. He was always in a daydream and sort of floated through childhood. He was always a very well behaved boy, and stuck to me like glue. I feel he was trying to get the attention he perceived Jakey was getting all the time. When Jake went to prison, for conspiracy to supply drugs, meant that Ant could not pursue his dream of being a Police officer, even though he had done the 6 years, and was on the cusp of being accepted for the Met Police in London.

Jake went down, and Ant has never spoken to him since. It is something I shall address today when I see him. It can not continue. I see Ant as a victim in this, and Jake will have to share that he recognises the massive impact of his crimes on his brother. When I spoke to Tricky about it on the phone last night she told me that he will not even allow anyone to speak Jakes name.

He will if I am talking to him.

When he comes round I shall make it clear that will shall set aside maybe 20 minutes to talk about Jake, then we will put it away to concentrate of Ant, his journey and what I can do to support him on his way. And anyway....I want my pressy.....I could do with a new pair of socks.

I'm worried he might be a bit freaked out with my health, what with oxygen and whatnot. Obviously he knows I have been unwell, I don't think he quite realises it not an "illness"...it is caused by lifestyle choices and it is now about coping and managing. I shall not pretend, yet I shall be positive, happy, and I will be because I am both.

I can put my hand on my heart each day and look all of you squarely in the eye and tell you that I love life. I love what it thinks it is. I love navigating it now. I am not frightened to the core as I used to be.

I walked through life much like a person in a car just realising there is going to be an collision, an impact. Almost like having a constant "flinch" in your soul. I was so small and men used to "throw me around" much like cats play with mice. Shaking hands would even make me flinch.

I am no longer frightened. I no longer feel lonely. Since I became sober, I have felt very, very, very lucky indeed. Sure people still do not want to piss me off, the difference being I no longer piss other people off! When I deal with the NHS Millie is often with me. You all are of course, yet different times, in my heart, a different brother or sister steps forward to help me. For me, that is the way this family works.

As I read our dear Alexis say last night that she felt "lonely, lonely, lonely"....so my dearest Alexis, it is possible to be your own friend sometimes. Then you are never alone.

So my dear brothers and sisters, I have quite the most wonderful man coming round to see me today. My boy, everyone else's man.

Have a wonderful day....err night?....errrr afternoon??!

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all.
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Unread 12-17-2016, 07:11 AM   #4920
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Tryn have a great time with Ant! you are an inspiration, i love you xx
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Unread 12-17-2016, 01:08 PM   #4921
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Hey Andy!

As always, well almost, (ha!), you provided many thoughtful moments in your note. Helpful stuff, it is. To all of us, one way or another.

Enjoy your Saturday (now towards evening, right?). I hope you have an especially good and loving time with Ant!

your friend,

sam
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Unread 12-18-2016, 10:28 AM   #4922
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Good afternoon everyone. Bright blessings to you all.

Awwwee dearest Alexis, thank you for your kind words. If I am inspirational to you dear Alexis is because you, and my other brothers and sisters inspire me.

My dear, dear Sam, if only you could see my face just by seeing your name. You have an aura my friend that transcends all oceans, all continents and the people therein. Often folk recognises "luck". Yet if I was to say to you my dear brother.......you have 15 seconds.........I come from another planet.........explain luck to me?......Come on....quick ,quick! Not easy is it? We all know it when it happens though eh? For me if I wanted to define my luck, I would show a picture of you.

I had quite the most unique of times for me yesterday with my boy Ant. Boy did we cry. He was here well into the early hours. We had dinner together and when he left, never have we felt closer to each other.

We spoke of his upbringing, his regrets, his memory's, we talked about us. I knew to help the boy I had to expect a great deal of anger and resentment. I am more than prepared for that. I have been for a few years now.

He blew me out of the water.

We talked of my drinking, my alcoholism. I drove for years with a can of alcohol between my legs. Then I would put the alcohol in a Lucozade bottle as even I thought it was a bit "much" to actually be swigging it out of the can whilst driving as well.........yup.....I was there.

One has to remember, if it was not for Jakes crimes, I am talking to a Police Officer.

He told me he was massively proud of me. He said now he had "grown up" he realised that for the fights and beatings he saw me take, never once did I raise my voice or hand to the children. That he now knew, that years ago when I took him at 6am to Police HQ for his training, then picking him up...I was extremely ill. 1 morning....we were early and we stopped off at a MacDonald's to get a drive through coffee and whatnot. It was about 5.35am, he turned to me and said,

"Do you want anything?>>>"....

"No you're alright Son, I got a beer here".

He asked me last night...or rather he said......"You did know the enormous risk you were taking don't you?"....(we even had to go through security gates and whatnot......rozzers EVERYWHERE)....

"Of course I did"

Never mind the drinking and driving, when I was taking him there every week for a year, I was also banned from driving.

He told me he hated seeing me that way, yet loves me for doing that for him. He said I confused him yet he loved me so. He said he had been told by his sisters I had stopped drinking, yet he didn't believe them........or should I say he didn't believe me. He was sorry he did not come to see for himself.

Being Tryn....I hit him with a brick....purposely.

"Ummmm......Ant?.......Why are you sorry?......I'm not your Father, I am not even your Step Father".....

Expecting the "you're the only Dad I've ever known" shit....he said that I WAS his Dad, he was glad I was, and was so proud of my sobriety. The thing that hit Tryn like a brick was when he said...

"Seeing you tonight is liking meeting someone new. But it's like I have known you all my life as well"....

That was me "gone". I simply could not help myself. Wanting to appear strong I could no longer and beckoned him from over the table to stand up we hugged and I thought he would think it weird..."Dads falling appparrtt!".....yet no. He cried with me to. It brought the boy back out, and the Dad back out in a very "door opening" special moment, and we were together for the next 2 hours not as 2 men, yet Dad and Son.

The elephant in the room. Had to be addressed. Jakey boy.

You will not know yet this week had the largest prison riot in Birmingham since Strangeways. It is the 4th across the Country in 2 months. I am veerrryyyy worried about Jake as I know what he is like in any environment. I thought this concern was the most likely way of getting a positive response from Ant baring in mind what I know he feels about it. What his sisters he has told them about the way he feels.

I won't go into it because it was long, protracted and incredibly angry. What he gave his brother I asked should perhaps be reserved for me? Then.....and only then.....could I make him feel safe enough to open his can of worms.

Whilst he was....he was because he felt safe to get it out. I felt honoured in a sad way. I mean by that I was sad to feel proud at such a time.

We sat down on sofa together, it was naturally, and the dynamic meant we were physically close and talk into each others eyes....(very important)...the upshot?...Ant and I are going to visit Jake, on our own, in the New Year. I e mail a prisoner service almost each day to write to Jake so will make sure the pathway forward for my 2 boys is realistic and achievable. I am utterly delighted that Ant is prepared to face Jakey, I really am.

Will Jakey want to meet Ant?

He's got no ****ing choice. I've said so.

You all know I talk to Jakey on his illegal phone in prison, and he needs to be very tough to do his time. Having done nearly 2 years now, he's well "in". That worrys me an awful lot.

Re Ant, I told him he was full of shit.....a coward.....and I "thought you were a tough guy?...Only when you think you're gonna win though eh?" I told him with an attitude like that he may as well stay in prison, and he didn't like it.

I could not care less.....I really couldn't. Harsh? Not a bit of it. I had the best people, experienced people around me for nearly 25 years of trying to come off stuff......."mate save yer ****ing breath....I ain't listening....truly....shut the **** up"...

Like my dear R Lee says, in his way, when people are ready....they are ready. It is not just about alcohol, drugs, it can be about identity, confidence...ohhh, all manner of "us". The key for me is that whatever it is...you want to do it.

As "Dad"...knowing my lot, means I know they want to do...be...something and lack the confidence. I almost see our dear Alexis as a 5th daughter in that regard, and so it is appropriate to step in once and awhile and just help with a nudge of re-purposing...like popping in from another boat and resetting the sails for a safer passage, and popping off again and letting them get on with it. He knows that now.

Yesterday afternoon and late night was very, very special indeed for me.......and my day to day recovery. The last thing the dear boy said to me before he left was the time was very special to him. How quite lovely.

I can not believe he's going to see Jake!! RESULT!

I shall be seeing more of Ant next year.

Rolo is in my bad books so he is. (Well actually he's not he is in Ants bad books).....as Ant's NEW girlfriend...(thank goodness for that)....has kids, and both the boys love and are brilliant with the little brats. So he had in his rucksack a load of treats and sweeties and whatnot.

Now Rolo, having been loved up for hours, took it upon himself, whilst me and the boy were having dinner together, engrossed, to rifle and pillage Ants rucksack albeit left his wallet alone. Hah!...I thought it was hysterical.....Ant looked a bit peeved until I open my cupboard to produce an array of sweets/candy a corner shop would be proud of......everyone's happy!

Dear ole Blighty is certainly living up to her name today. It is tip toeing up to 3pm as the hands on the clock seem to be straining under the weight of the fog that seems to use Blighty as its HQ. I have a luminous collar for the ole fella as our early morning strolls and evening meanders are so very dark round here in the winter. No lights on the wasteground, just him. My guiding light.

I know SAD, seasonal affective disorder is a very real part of human nature. In the dark months, the goodness that we have gathered in the warmth, will always keep us in lean times.

I have learnt that in dark times, the sun will come out with...or without me....sometimes we just hang on to the coattails' of life, and one day if we are lucky, we end up wearing the coat.

Funny how life works. My advice is never to try and work it out....just live it. A couple of heartbeats....and that choice has gone.

I would, or rather I used to say..."i'm sorry for my ramble, my waffling", yet I am not anymore.

I am grateful for my brothers and sisters. We all encourage each other to open up, to share. A sentence can share as much as a book. Tryn is a waffler......it's all the same though.

You did not teach me honesty. You taught me what it was.

Dear Alexis....I learnt that when people talked to me about honesty I would react violently. I was sooo fed up of not being believed, I knew it was coming and was ready with my fist.

I had nooooooo idea.....I had to be honest with myself. Not a clue.

What the **** does that mean? FFKS.

Ok....ok...ok then.......I am a freak...there you go.

Never mind that.......look what I can do to prove it....and I did.

I'm no freak. At the time, being one was my only identity. I did not know I could have one for myself. One I could call, "all my own work"....and what has happened?......"All my own work" was only me...that's all!

Truly.....to move forward I had to accept not only was my life unamenable with alcohol.....yet I realised it was really a choice between whether I wanted to "manage it or not" at all. THAT'S the thing for me.

After all, I grew up in "unmanaged" environments one could say......bollocks. The same as any culture, any society, that's where you are, that's what you got......what do you got?

The work with my dear Milan is utterly priceless. You can find a Milan in your life dear Alexis.

Each day I have my family here, and once a week, come what may, we have our skype session. He could be in Europe, at home, in Africa, we have our session. If skype does not work we phone. With what is going on for me, healthwise, I know....well I know I shall need this daily and weekly share.

Honestly, I could not do without that grounding and vision. Yes vision. Writing from dear ole Blighty knowing how you are spread far and wide, also opens my mind, my heart, my soul, spirit and eyes so much wider. When you write to me you all share totally different things.

Have you all ever thought that? You know you wake up in the morning, pop into the hallway to pick up your letters.....and you open each one as you know how far away they have come from, and what is more, how deeply the author has dug.

Each letter is different, each letter from the heart, each letter helps us all to understand why we chose sobriety a day at a time.

Ok...ok....now is the time to apologise for waffling....hay hoe.

Just before I go....it is 15.26pm in my dear ole Blighty...what time is it now in sunny California?...No I won't google it.....dear Sam wil tell me then he will tell us how he's getting along...(ahhhh)

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all.
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Unread 12-18-2016, 10:43 AM   #4923
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what a lovely lovely letter Tryn - i am so happy for you i could burst.

You say about SAD and light being there, it reminds me of what Leonard Cohen once said...

"There is a crack in everything, that’s how the light gets in..."

We arent perfect, no...but thats how the light gets in!!

Aww Tryn, i just love you. I wish we could hug xxx
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Unread 12-18-2016, 11:15 AM   #4924
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Tryn, Happy that your visit with Ant went well. You are a wonderful father.

Coming up to the 21st when the day light start to get longer helps me get through the winter blues. I have nautical lanterns that I turn on on cloudy days & after the sun goes down. My mood lights.

Have a good day. Hugs.
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Unread 12-18-2016, 02:53 PM   #4925
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a good day to you today, have a nice evening.
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Unread 12-19-2016, 05:14 AM   #4926
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Morning Tryn, what have you got planned today? Love you x
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Unread 12-20-2016, 04:29 AM   #4927
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Good morning everyone. Bright blessings to you all.

My dearest Alexis, I love you to, and when you feel like a group hug, it is happening. I am not being weird when I say that I feel all my brothers and sisters hugs as real as their very arms around me.

My dearest Lost Dog, what times are befalling you. You have had such a rough couple of months, yet your beaming smile that comes from within somehow seems to guide us, more than it does you. My smile is as wide, as deep and hopefully it can act as momentum in your own self belief. I am so proud to have a sister such as you.

My dear R Lee. Your letter meant so much to me. Not only does it mean the world to me for you to encourage me to carry on doing the best I can for the kids, yet it was also so lovely to be invited into your home. To see the lanterns creating a gentle atmosphere, that although physically they give no warmth, the ambience most certainly does. I felt really close to you in reading it and wanted to say....

"Come on then you ole fart.....tell me a story. Tell me about the Grand Canyon, tell me about the reunion".

You know what my dear R Lee?....Today, as I write to you, apart from my dear Milan, nobody knows much about me other than I am a "dark horse". Oh sure my reputation abounds as do the rumours as to why, I care nothing for it.

It is why this family is so special. It is why I Am Trying has to chose to be here. Even if.......even if........we could "go round to see him"......to do what?......Usher him along to write to us all and share his pains and his joys? Even if we did that there would be no point. He would not want to come.

I remember climbing out of a hostel window. I loved this place. I had been there for 3 months......making out I was older....and of course the shit hit the fan. When they found out my age they got me a place in a kids home in Hammersmith. I was to go up to my room, pack my stuff and would be taken to this kids home.

I went upstairs....climbed out of the window and walked back into Soho. It took nearly 3 hours.

I may as well have walked backwards so certain was I someone would be coming "running after me".

No one did.

I grew up just that little bit more.

When this family took me in, I did the "same ole, same ole"....showing you all "what I was". Over these years I am sharing who I am.

How terrified I have been of that I can not express. It was a "hidden fear". Something that was so huge in my daily life as to not see the wood for the trees.

I had to do me, myself. Here I found the experience, the wisdom, the love, the understanding and the courage and strength to do it for myself. 1 day at a time.

My dear R Lee, it may be with reluctance that you know what you mean to me, and I am more than sure to so many of our brothers and sisters, our dear Saint is all you really need to read, and that for your journey I hope there is something left in your heart for yourself to feel proud you have done so much for so many.

Do me a favour....sort out the ****ing NHS?

I turned up yesterday morning, 7.30am, it was cancelled at 2pm, I "lost it a bit there", and the security guard who escorted me out, (who I now know by name) said to me,

"I don't know why you bovver bro"....

Says it all. The NHS is not in meltdown...it has melted.

Having withdrawn from certain aspects of the NHS I have now decided Re hospitals/clinics to just not bother. I will concentrate my healthcare around my GP, and hospitals will be reserved for blue light runs FFKS.

On to more positive things.

I have spoken to the hostel Re Christmas Day, (they are so very lovely), and they have trouble with "cover" for Christmas Eve. Well now, they need 4 staff for nights, have 3, and can not get hold of the 4th one. Baring in mind I shall be cooking the next day suggested it would be "good for me" to come in for the night for prep and whatnot.

2 issues. What happens when I need to take Rolo out for his evening poo?....and is my oxygen thing ok? (I am not attached to this thing!...just every now and then)

They said, there is 3 others on, so the poo is not a problem, and health and safety says so long as the oxygen is in a "secure" place, not a problem. There are 2 staff bedrooms upstairs, that is where it will stay.

She said they expect between 80-100....and really that ole saying....."the more...the merrier" really rings through with this one. When the thought of just the 4 of you knocking that lot out, having been brought up on the street, I can tell you, we will have as many willing hands as we want in the kitchen....no problem.

I get a lift there and back, Rolo will be loved up almost to pieces, I get a Christmas dinner, (well the ole fella will) and we will meet new, amazing people just wanting to be heard and loved. I have no problem with drugs and alcohol as it is an abstinence place that allows, (they have no choice) the street dwellers and drinkers to drink outside, nothing inside. I live in a city....I see it everyday! Not a problem to me anymore.

They said they would ring me by the end of play today to tell me if they have got hold of the person who was supposed to be doing the night....I am their understudy.

So how exciting is that for me and the ole fella. None of this...."click yer ****king heels together and dream of no place like home" shit....not at all.....roll yer sleeves up, get stuck in. It will be the bestest Christmas ever.

That's "home".

It is 9.17am in my dear ole Blighty. A change of time for my dear Milan to this evening, so I am filling the slot by writing to you all. Blighty is bracing herself for a week of gales, storms and rain. I spoke to the ole fella about it this morning....I thought I had better warn him. He said....

" OOOOHHHH WOOOOFFFYYYY DOOOOO....OOOOOOWW"

Bollocks. The dear ole fella does love naughty weather so he does. I can not deny him that.

So a rather tired Tryn and my dear ole Rolo are looking forward to a wonderful day together. England are getting stuffed ...yet again....on the wireless from India.....(we just need to hold on for another 3 hours for the draw..........oh no!!!!!! as I write Moen is out!!!!!!! Nooooooooo! Geoff Boycott has just called it a "brainless and idiotic shot"....hmmmmm.....this is the true Yorkshireman....."I like what I say.....and i'll say what I bloomin' well like".....dear Geoffrey).......

So my gracious and beautiful brothers and sisters, whatever you are doing, doing it better than dear ole Blightys cricket team.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all.
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Unread 12-20-2016, 01:35 PM   #4928
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Ugh, I can't believe the NHS is just screwing you over like that. Isn't there some sort of legal recourse? Can't they see you're not well? I'm sooo sorry.

You sound like you're in a good place though, in your spirit, and that's great to see. I can't say enough how glad I am that you have Rolo.

Hugs!
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Unread 12-20-2016, 01:51 PM   #4929
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i dont understand whats going on Tryn. Why are they cancelling this every time? What have they cancelled? The operation?

This isnt on and no matter how bad the NHS can be, this is taking the piss and is unlike them. Can you go to the media? Maybe some attention that way will force their hand.

Or call that lady doctor with the nice bum and see what she can do?

F*ck, im sorry. I hope you are ok. I love you xx
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Unread 12-20-2016, 04:24 PM   #4930
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I don't understand it either. Big hug!
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Unread 12-21-2016, 09:26 AM   #4931
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Good afternoon everyone. Bright blessings to you all.

My dearest Millie, Alexis and Lost Dog....trust me....you don't know the half of it. I will shed no more angst, (on the front of Berlins newspapers this morning)....i am just not going to argue anymore. I am out of begging, and i will learn to manage more the health issues i have. Simple as that.

It was more of a procedure dear Alexis as opposed to an op. I was supposed to go on Friday for 1 thing which they felt something else was needed for Monday....ohh...never mind!....It did not happen. It doesn't matter. I am so close to ripping someones head off. So i am.

I have delighted myself this afternoon wrapping up dear ole Rolo's last Christmas presents and watched him....watching me....putting them under da tree!.....Bless him.

It empowers me. My dear R Lee was saying recently to I Am Trying how he was grateful that his life was not dictated by alcohol, so i can't have mine now, dictated by a ****ed up NHS.

I have written the relevant letters, and i shall leave it at that. I am MASSIVELY grateful for the oxygen they supply me, focus on the good. Focus on what gives you goodness and smiles.

It is 2.10pm in my dear ole Blighty. Storm "Barbara" is on her way, and as i write to you all..... it is supposed to start raining in my neck of the woods, hmmm...in about an hour or 2.

They are not wrong. I can see the dark clouds gathering. Dear Rolo is pacing about as he kinda "knows these things", and i am going to hobble off and take the ole fella for a wander before Blightys weather sets in for the next 48 hours....the dear ole fella.....lurves da wetha!.....this ole fella not so much these days.

He is an inspiration. A motivation. He is full of all that has made his life, his teeth bared, only a part of saying ~"i ain't getting orff the bed!".....his cuddles as hardy.

How lucky i am.

Y'all know me well.....have you ever met a luckier human bod?

I didn't think so.

I got a call this morning Re the shelter and they have found said person!......however we are going anyway because we are now invited....and they said...errr...nope....staff "rooms...beds and whatnot?"....Ahhhh...ok.

So 7.15am Christmas morning....me and the ole fella are orfski. We should get there by 8am......breakfast.....luverly jubbly. I am so....so...so....excited.

Oooppsss, the weather really is closing in. Off we go.

My last thought for now, is that i have seen, and now believe....YOU will keep you alive longer than anyone else can.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all.
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Unread 12-21-2016, 09:38 AM   #4932
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Hey Tryn, you really do inspire me i hope you know. Your attitude is incredible.

You asked on my journal how storms are named... here is some info.

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/0/hu...-they-decided/

Quite interesting!

Give Rolo a big cuddle from me xx
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Unread 12-21-2016, 01:57 PM   #4933
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Hugs, Tryn.
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Unread 12-22-2016, 02:01 PM   #4934
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How are you tonight Tryn? xx
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Unread 12-22-2016, 02:56 PM   #4935
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How are you Tryn, sending kind thoughts across the waters to you.
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Unread 12-23-2016, 07:40 AM   #4936
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Good morning everyone. Bright blessings to you all.

Thank you my dearest Alexis, Millie and dearest Lost Dog.

Well now.......how I love my dear ole Blightys weather!! Storm Barbara, (dear Alexis, that was fascinating the link you sent me.....in 2017 there is going to be a storm with my name written alllll over it!).......and myself and the ole fella went for our early morning wander.....and goodness!!!.....I could barely walk into the mild yet fierce wind. The ole fellas coat being constantly brushed by the winds....his schnozzle helplessly sniffing the smells that have come from all around our world. I took a picture of the really heavy clouds ,...yet there was a sudden break in them as dawn shot through in a beam. It was truly inspiring.

I have the dog lady and her family popping over this afternoon for some smoked salmon and a whole load of laughter.....Ant has asked if he can come around again tonight, this time with his new girlfriend, and my neighbour Joe has confirmed he will come round for lunch on Boxing day to catch up on my new friends at the shelter, and he said....I think very sweetly in the context of my journey......"I am a good place to come to "sober up"....

**** me....who would ever have thought that?

I am in a tad of pain for sure.....please believe me when I share with you that I have never been happier.

Ever.

Have a wonderful day.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all.
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Unread 12-23-2016, 05:26 PM   #4937
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Salmon sounds good. I like her name "dog lady" it's kinda like mine too. Take care Tryn, I'll wish your pain away and hope a lot it comes true.
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Unread 12-24-2016, 06:56 AM   #4938
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Good afternoon everyone. Bright blessings to you all.

I have had an accident and broken my arm among other things. For now I only have the use of 1 hand. Because of this I will not be writing to you all as I would wish as typing is proper tedious.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all.
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Unread 12-24-2016, 07:08 AM   #4939
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Oh Tryn! What happened?! Hope you are ok, please look after yourself. Love you xx
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Unread 12-24-2016, 09:05 AM   #4940
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Oh my goodness, not the proper way of seeing in Christmas! Yikes and more yikes! So sorry to hear of your accident. I hope you will still be able to go to the shelter with Rolo-not only for the fellowship but will be a place for you to be "taken care of" for a bit. Thanks for letting us know, of course you can't write your usual lovely letters and we will miss those, but please send short notes on your progress. Please! Shoot, darn, heck! Thinking of you, sending love and hugs to you both!!!

mum
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Unread 12-24-2016, 09:27 AM   #4941
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Oh bless you, you can write my kind of posts- very short.get well soon, please.
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Unread 12-24-2016, 11:34 AM   #4942
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My Little Brother, YIKES!! You rest up and take good care of yourself! Write when you're able and don't overdo anything!

Hugs across the ocean,
Your Big Sis
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Unread 12-24-2016, 12:22 PM   #4943
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Hey Andy,

Dude! Does that suck, or what!? Really sorry to learn of this broken appendage. And you're right, a one handed person (as in a broken arm!) will have a heck-of-a hard time at the keyboard.

A broken arm is certainly bad enough, but I am also concerned (more so?) with your additional, "among other things." WHAT "other things?" Of course we're all interested to learn what in hades happened!

But not yet. Goodness knows you have plenty enough issues (physical) to deal with, you did not need other one. Damn! What lousy luck.

But not fatal, right? No, not fatal and not forever. Your arm will heal, as will (God willing) those "other things."

You are a good man with a good spirit, often a wonderful spirit. You have already healed so much since you first posted, now seems so long ago. A role model? You bet you are!

Lemme repeat: I am certain you will heal from this latest event, just as I believe you will heal from your other conditions. That said, let me not short-change what happened to you. It's a terrible, crappy thing...and Tryn', I'm really sorry that it happened at all!

Write when you can, when you're comfortable enough.

sam
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Unread 12-25-2016, 05:31 AM   #4944
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Good morning my lovelinesses. Bright blessings to you.

Derasest Alexis, Mum, my big Sis, dear Lost Dog and my dear, dear Sam........to say this sucks...

I was hit by a cyclist riding on the pavement/sidewalk in the dark. It split my elbow in half, fractured the arm, broke 2 fingers and did my ****ing ribs again. Fracture clinic tomorrow. Looks like an op to remove the elbow and replace it. coping here on my own....well, try getting dressed on your own with this lot.

Dear Sam?.......how i adore you. Nope not fatal....a big hit to my internal strength.....Tryn....like all my brothers and sisters....is a survivor. somehow i will get through this. The police want to interview the cyclist.....****ing w****r. Loads of pain meds, dr out last night with anti sickness injection. I WILL cope. I have to. Rolo depends on me.

I have obviously had to contact the shelter who have been sooo lovely and i have been invited to lunch. As i cant cut up my food and whatnot it will be a great help. It will only be for 2 hours....yet my goodness i need to feel the love. i spent much of yesterday in tears so bad i felt my luck was. Time to pull it together....be strong.

This letter has so far taken an hour......YET I HAD TO WRITE AND WISH YOU ALL A VERY HAPPY AND SOBER CHRISTMAS.....(shit caps sorry)....i love you all so very much.

Hve a great day.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to a very, very special bunch of folk....Loveness to this beautiful family.
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Unread 12-25-2016, 07:01 AM   #4945
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My Little Brother, thank you for taking so much time and energy to write to us to tell us what happened, but more importantly, how you are today. OMG, that had to have been scary getting hit like that.

I'm glad you'll be going to lunch at the shelter. I'm glad you have Rolo with you. I'm glad you're my little brother.

Sending big hugs, Merry Christmas,

Your Big Sis
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Unread 12-25-2016, 09:04 AM   #4946
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My heart is very sad. But then your spirit is incredible and it shows me you will be ok in some time physically. I'm praying hard for you, very hard and really wishing you get better soon. Always, eat something with pain meds as I know you are aware and just get well. please and thank you for you.
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Unread 12-25-2016, 01:03 PM   #4947
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Hey Andy!

Oh man, I can't freaking believe this. Of course, "can't believe" is just a figure of speech. Sadly, I believe it all too much. Damn!! What a shocking experience. Walking along, minding one's own business when, all of a sudden, ka-pow! A frigging bicycle plows into you!

Moreover, the dumb-butt cyclist must have been hauling ass (speed-wise) to wreck you so severely! I hope you weren't terribly scared by it. Hell, of course you were scared. Terrified; horrified. Who wouldn't be? I surely would.

And (another of course) it had to have hurt like hades. So glad you have a goodly number of pain meds. You know to be careful with those, you do, I know. Regrettably, I'd need to be monitored like the crazy person I once was---with that number of pain pills.

However, they DO serve a great purpose, when they're necessary. And, oh yes, they appear to be mega necessary now.

Tryn'? I wish I were near you. If I were, I'd cut your food; I'd button your shirt. So would all our other friends.

Rolo continues to be one lucky pooch-family member. Even injured, you are the best thing that's happened to that sweet dog. And he the most precious thing in your life, one of certainly.

Be your best, Andy!

Your friend!

sam
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Unread 12-25-2016, 05:18 PM   #4948
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Tryn, makes me very very sad that you are hurt, especially at christmas. How was your day? I hope the kitchen made you happy and welcome.

Love you loads xx
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Unread 12-26-2016, 01:47 PM   #4949
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Good evening everyone. Bright blessings to you all.

( forgive any typos).

As much as my brothers and sisters sustain my sobriety, when we googled....and found @here.....and we have gone on to love each other individually...lets take a moment to wonder...hmmmm.......when i googled it.....how come addiction survivors was here?

My dear big sis Nancy, you are the mentor of mentors. They say volcanoes regenerate the soil, and life its very self. I hope within you you have pride in hatching so many eggs. creating pathways i certainly, and i am sure the family, never dreamed of.

I have my own saying.... i cant do apostrophes at the mo.....create a space.....folk will fill it.

It's about the ....right space.

Anonymous?

...k off......y'all know Tryn...Andrea AKA Andy. For goodness sake....I know you all so well. Not as well as you know me.

Here's what sucks.

I'm f....d here. Properly.

The only real purpose inside me on Boxing Day at the fracture clinic was, never mind what is wrong, can you help me to get help at home? I can not look after myself or Rolo at this time. I can only move reluctantly. The Dr that came to my home for my injection asked me like this.....how on earth are you going top cope?......done his job with the injection and left shaking his head. No good to me. The hospital said to ring my GP surgery, yet they are closed until tomorrow. Do not be fooled by this letter....my proficient finger and spell checker sorted this.

i want you all to try 4 things with 1 arm with no one to help. Get dressed.... tie your shoe laces, do the washing up, and walk an ole fella. Never mind the rest. I cant cook, cut up food....it's next to ridiculous. Whack into the pot the side under my sling, proper duffed up ribs.

The outcome today was surreal. At 9.30am i was asked to go home, collect my meds, dressing gown and slippers and whatnot and i would have been admitted this afternoon for an op on my arm.

Can't do it. Not instantly. Rolo....the time of year......so.....

Anonymity.

IF i could sit here and .....make a few calls.....to my brothers and sisters......my dear, dear Sam.....come on round......lots of food.....can barely open the f.....fridge.....our seemingly now silent dear R Lee drops in via hellclopter to ask where his logs are, yet stays until i can function again...if i could contact you all.....i would be on the phone for a year.

Because of our magical dynamic, means you all dig deep.....so do i, when we are trouble.

Can you see not being able to hug you all means i have to learn to hug myself? Addicts have a massive deficit in that regard, together we learn that......how i wish it could be a different way. I really need some help here. All of you would fall over yourselves to give me that....

Ohhhh....how you do.

Even more precious than a meal....someone to WASH UP.....is the dynamic that here i am in bother....and all of you give me love, prayers, experience and wisdom.....now that.....is a proper hug.

The biggest issue i am facing with oxygen along withe the injury's, is if i get a chest infection now i am in big trouble. It is hard for me remember a worse time for pain. I am sure it has happened, yet i am sober for a fair ole while now...the arm....the ribs.....now clear your chest with a jolly good cough to prevent infection?

YYeeeeouchhhh.

No piano, no guitar for awhile.

My dear Milan rang me through it all, and will be skypeing my normal session tomorrow morning. I can't wait.

Challenge for you all.

Next letter you write, do it with 1 hand. You will be surprised how quickly you can do it....after thinking it would be impossible.

For me at the mo, i took my pain stuff at 5pm, to feel able to do this. it is 6.40pm now.

Ouch.

Being with my family now does not take any of my physical pain away, and some......you take the pain away from my soul and spirit which have been hit hard.

Bones heal.

Thank you for loving me so much deeper than that.

If i am breathing, i will write to my family.

be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. LOveness to all.
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Unread 12-26-2016, 06:08 PM   #4950
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so sorry you are struggling. If i was allowed to, i would drop everything and visit you to help. You arent far away from me and it hurts that i cant do anything.

Love you Tryn xx
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