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Unread 10-02-2012, 03:49 PM   #101
jenm
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Please, please take care of yourself! I haven't been around here for a little while but I have read your journey. We all have our own journey. I can't express how grateful I am to be sober today and you have played a large part in it. jenm
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Unread 10-11-2012, 01:12 PM   #102
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Hello everyone.

I thought i would post as i have being reading all your journeys. It is not lost on me that i found an enormous amount of support through tough times on this forum for myself. I also care for you all a great deal. That being the case i would like to make a few comments to you.

Michaelc232, i can relate very much to your struggles, and yes, sometimes confusion, this disease loves that. I happen to think that you are doing really well. You are honest and trying so hard. Just a thought but when one thinks of something as a disease, split the word so you have dis....EASE. Ease yourself into yourself, it takes time and this is a forum where you can do precisely that. Don't be too hard on yourself, alcohol wishes you to be. Take the power away from it by knowing infact the power to chose is with you every moment, the struggle to make the choice you wish, needs support and love.

Camachomissy, how lovely it is to see you feeling positive. I get a feeling of a "free spirit" within you. Yup, we all have that, but from your posts i feel that you are but an inch a way from believing in yourself. Personally i think that is an important component that keeps us believing that we can all overcome, and find a path that enables and empowers us, it is within your grasp. I wish you well and keep posting, keep talking, keep beleiving, you WILL overcome this.

Jenm. I feel your journey. I was on a plane last night and looked down over the ocean. I think it is safe to assume that we all feel that the ocean is a lonely place, where ships pass in the night on their journeys, and apart from that it is an empty space. From 35,000 ft you can see a great deal of the ocean. It was "jam packed" with ships all making their way to their destinations. How ever alone one can sometimes feel, there is always support, another ship on it's journey that will never be far away. It's problems, it,s navigation aids, it's path understood by all the ships around. Never be frightened to ask the captian of another ship how they managed to sail their ocean. This is a forum that allows you to ask, "am i going in the right direction?"...You will get an answer. Whatever my beliefs, there is a great deal of love, a great deal of experience within the words of all the captains of the ships that are around you. Don't be afraid. Your ship is most certainly going in the right direction.

Katalina, the fact that you have chosen to ask other captains of their ships journeys means you will find your destination. Keep asking, and you will find your way.

For myself i am well. I have just got back from being away. I have also been contacted by editors of various publications that have heard, one way or another of my particular journey. They have asked me to write for them so that those committed to supporting others with this blasted disease, have a different perspective on what could be incorperated within that support structure. I will give it my best shot.

Finally, i want to ask Carlyo, R Lee, Saint, how are you all? I hope very much that your journeys are as supported as you support ours.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Lovenes to all.
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Unread 10-11-2012, 08:53 PM   #103
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Tryntryagain, Thank you for your insight to all the wonderful people who come to this sight hoping toget sober. That includes me. I know that I could drink again at the drop of a hat. I have to stay tuned in & around alcoholics who cry out for help.

I'm glad that you will be able to write in publications what this disease can do. I also hope that you can give yourself a chance to stay sober for just 1 day.
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Unread 10-11-2012, 09:40 PM   #104
Tryntryagain
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Thank you R Lee. A whole day? I did have an "Orangina" on the flight. Does that count as an effort? .....ok, ok, laugh or cry, i have the solution for sobriety. All one needs to do is fly at 35,000 ft, and you can't afford to drink. Job done!!!

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all.
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Unread 10-12-2012, 11:47 AM   #105
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It is really good to "hear" from you, Tryn! I vividly remember thinking that it was impossible to go one day without drinking. How will I be able to sleep? How will I have any confidence? How will I get anything done? Looking back, I do NOT miss those days. Always having a sense of some sort of impending doom - didn't know what it was, but always that feeling. I hope I never forget that. I know that my disease of alcoholism will never forget about me.

All we can do is the very best that we can do. For today. For me, that means going to a master lifting class at noon and then back at the gym at 4:45 for leg work and abs. And being a mom to these three crazy boys of mine.

It is getting cold in Iowa, and I much prefer the warm weather. If that is all I have to complain about, I think I'm doing just fine. Tryn, please take care of YOU. Sobriety is always there. If you want it! Jenm
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Unread 10-12-2012, 12:20 PM   #106
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Hi Tryn! It is wonderful to hear from you and to be acknowledged for the struggle of sobriety. I have been blessed to read your posts and walk through my day with your words in my head. Each day that I feel like taking a drink I just think of all of you here that "fight the same fight". Take care of yourself my friend.
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Unread 10-12-2012, 05:00 PM   #107
Tryntryagain
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Hello everyone, and thank you for your feedback. As always i appreciate your kind, compassionate and gentle words. It never ceases to amaze me that people from all walks of life, from all backgrounds and from all over the world arrive at the same junction in life. We somehow recognise how we happen to be in each others company, and i am sure we share each others pain. The support available of the highest quality, and indeed it is all but a heartbeat away for us all. I had some soup today. That is a result for me.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all.
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Unread 10-13-2012, 04:21 PM   #108
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Tryntryagain,


Yes we share the pain, we have all been there to some degree. Some have or are experiencing much more pain than I had. I am in awe of their strength and courage.


We also share the frustration at times of knowing there is a better way to live, sober. To live life, experience life on it's own terms, with a clarity of mind that no drug can sustain.


We also share the hope that one can somehow find their way through the fog, to a safe harbor. Our journey is not unique. The paths we travel may differ but the destination remains the same.


Stay Safe, Stay Strong,
Saint
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Unread 10-13-2012, 05:20 PM   #109
Tryntryagain
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Hello all, and thank you so much Saint for your wisdom and kind thoughts. As regards to the pain we have all experienced, that is just life. Exacerbated by our use of the drug alcohol however does indeed, eventually increase the suffering needlessly that we put on ourselves. I have exprienced no greater or lesser pain than any other. If one puts their hand in a flame, it hurts. It matters not how fierce the flame is, it hurts all the same. My journey has an intrinsic need to alleviate suffering where i find it. I am now aware that desire is massively limited by my own suffering that i bring on myself. I will address it.

I am so very greatful for all the support that is within these rooms of love and understanding.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all.
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Unread 10-13-2012, 06:03 PM   #110
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Tryntryagain,

Yes, with awareness comes the possibility for change....

Stay safe,
Saint
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Unread 10-14-2012, 05:43 PM   #111
Tryntryagain
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Hello everyone. Saint, indeed awareness of oneself is a magical element, once experienced, a part of oneself is known. Change is ambiguous, it means so many things to so many people. Does change have a destination? Does one start from here...and arrive there...and so change has occured?

I recognise that many on this forum chose a path that is the way to go for many. i support that with all that i am, and as i said in a post a while back, it is more important to me not to run out of questions, than it is to have an answer. Not a prescription i would recommend, but a path that i suppose it could be said i chose to tread.

I don't want to know why, i do not want to allow myself to accept that i can not "deal" with this. My friends say to me my last breath will be a question.

Denial? Most certainly not. I try to accept and access all the support i can, because i am an alcoholic. This forum is bursting with love. Excuse my over exuberance, but i still nurture the hippy in me(!), that's why i come here.

We are all so different, and we are all the same.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all.
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Unread 10-15-2012, 02:51 AM   #112
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Tryntryagain,

I want to know why does the dog run in a circle, chasing his tail?

Does the dog tire and just stop?

What do the other dogs think as they watch him chase his tail?

Do they knowingly watch, understanding his predicament, but take no action?

Do they even care?

Of what import is it too them anyways!!!

Regards,
Saint
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Unread 10-15-2012, 10:49 AM   #113
Tryntryagain
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Hello everybody. Saint, thank you. I know what you mean. I have some news. This morning i saw a specialist psychiatrist that i have mentioned would be the case in earlier posts. It was an "assessment". It became apparent during this assessment that my issues were broader and more comprehensive than i previously was prepared to admit. I was honest and open. I find offering myself up to others as an important part of my "make up". However i find actually talking of myself and my illness extremely difficult. I think this morning is probably the first time i actually "fessed up", and told it how it was. Anyone following my journey will know that i have had trouble accessing treatment. Today it was suggested that i could be sent away to a specialist unit that does not simply deal with addiction, but incorperates other issues such as eating disorders, etc, etc, and a place where i will not be "known". I was told that i had a 'very strong case for funding", and that would be "got onto straight away". It would be residential for at least 8 months. I was told that traditional rehab and daily groups within the community was not likely to work as i would simply manipulate circumstance so that i would become what was required and would therefore be of little benefit if at all. This specialist unit however would be aware in advance of this scenario. I was asked how i felt about that.....i opened my mouth to respond, and simply broke down in tears. I almost physically collapsed. I am at home now with various follow up appointments. I agreed to enter this unit. They will detox me and take me on from there.

I feel extremely vunerable, not something i am comfortable with. All of a sudden my fancy words are empty, my ability to stave off honesty totally depleted. Metaphorically i saw myself in the mirror today, i turned away in disgust.

My friends, as you have all become to me in my heart, i have an opportunity to fight my demons. I have got what i wished for. It simply terrifys me. The honest appraisal i gave of myself, i heard with my own ears. The honesty came out of my own mouth and those words came from my true heart. I had no idea i was so, .....i haven't the words. I had no idea i was actually in so much soulful trouble. It is at this time, i wish i had the belief of a higher power. I'm so frightened, it is pathetic and pitiful. I do believe for the first time in my life i will find the courage for me, as opposed to giving that courage for others.

Now is my time. Now is the time where at last i can stop pretending, i can stop being "what i am supposed to be", and present myself as i am. A man that needs the support and guidance of others. Today i found out i am no different than anyone else. I am an addict. Oh sure, i dress it up as many things, i think i am rather good at that, but today i became humble, today i felt honesty in my heart, not in my head. I am devastated at how insecure and incapable i have become. The "sun" has just come out and shone down on my life, i had to shield my eyes, that is how much i have "hidden" behind my addiction, that is how long i have kept myself in the dark.

I am proper, proper frightened. I have metaphorically fought lions and tigers with no fear at all, alas, i have never had the courage to "take me on". I need a strength to support me that has got to be greater than myself. I don't know where to find that. I will try and find it. I have support my friends, until i enter into this new world of honesty, i will try to look into "that" mirror everyday.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all.
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Unread 10-15-2012, 04:32 PM   #114
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Tryntryagain,

I am excited and very happy for you!!!! Yes, it is now your time!!!

While you are feeling extremely vulnerable right now, stripped bare, know that you have made the correct decision and trust in the process. Trust in those you have been honest with. In time you will feel that a huge weight has been lifted from you.... the truth shall set you free. It is the truth and honesty that will provide a new foundation for your recovery, to rebuild oneself. It takes a lot of work, soul searching but the end result is so worth it!!

Did I mention I was excited for you!!!

Stay safe,
Saint
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Unread 10-15-2012, 04:41 PM   #115
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Tryntryagain, You are one of us. An alcoholic who can now admit I surrender, I'm an alcoholic who can not get sober on my own.

You are not unique. You are one of us. Most of us have had the same feelings & fears you are experiencing. Look for the similarities not the differences with other recovering alcoholics.

My whole life I was pretending to be someone else. I felt less than. I would not let anyone get to know the real me. I was all alone in the world so I turned to my bottle of courage & withdrew even farther. Pull the blinds down, don't answer the phone. Let no one approach me. LEAVE ME ALONE!! I'M OK!!!

Be humble & truthful. There are alcoholics out there that will make simple suggestions. Simple but not easy.

AH the Higher Power. I fought that for years. No one tells you what your Higher Power has to be. It is just not you. You can make plans but not plan the outcome.

For now admitting I'm an alcoholic & my life is unmanageable & not picking up that 1st drink is the most inportant thing you can do. If you get in trouble reach out for help. Do not reach for the bottle.

Simple not easy. I got out of my thinking & looked to the midnight sky & admitted that a human did not make this. So there must be something out there greater than a human.

I could go on & on but you have made the decision that I'm an alcoholic & I can't get sober on my own. You are on your way to recovery pal if you just get out of the way & give it a 100% to stay sober just for the moment that you want to pick up.

Yes be careful with the detox. The D.T.'s can kill you.

Good luck, you are worth it.























I'm glad you are getting help for detox. The D. T's can kill you.

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Unread 10-15-2012, 06:23 PM   #116
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Tryntryagain,

As you go through the emotions, finding yourself vulnerable, naked, know you are not alone. We have all been where you are. It is uncomfortable, unstable...it is as it should be.

When I stopped drinking I also was going through a divorce. That also meant I would no longer being seeing my young daughter who I love very much every day. I cried, I was broken, on the verge of tears now at the memory. Yes there will be pain. Acknowledge it, accept it, let it wash over you. But learn from it, put on your big boy pants when you are able, and carry on! Because yes, You are worth it!

Be kind to yourself.

Yes, you are among friends.


Respectfully,
Saint
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Unread 10-16-2012, 02:59 PM   #117
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Hi Tryn -

I'm so glad that you were honest.....with yourself. Oh how I can relate. How many years did I "fool" everybody (or so I thought) because I went to work, taught my fitness classes, I even was a substance abuse counselor while I was abusing prescription pills - I actually wasn't drinking during that period of time, substituted pills. The thing about it is, while I was putting on this fake show for society, I was always left with myself knowing that I was an alcoholic/addict and that awful feeling of living two lives.

At the end of the day, we have to take care of ourselves. I happen to believe in a power greater than myself -for many reasons. One of them being the fact that I am not drinking today. Something bigger than me had to have stepped in that day in August because I like to drink and I would do it daily. We only get one chance to live, life is not a rehearsal. This is it. I'm so happy that you are going to get help and that they know you - I could walk into any treatment center around here and fake my way through it telling them everything they wanted to hear. But again, I would be left with myself, knowing the truth.

Living sober ain't always easy, but is so, so worth it. Even if the higher power thing isn't what you do, I am praying for you! Jenm
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Unread 10-17-2012, 10:57 AM   #118
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Hello everyone. Saint, R Lee and Jenm, you know....thank you.

I know today there is a team meeting about the appointment i had on Monday. Monday coming i have a morning appointment to discuss that outcome. Many that will be involved will know me personally. After 2 hours with the psychiatrist i honestly believe that what was "put on the table as an option for me", would not have been so enthusiastically given, without prior knowledge, and i beleive that todays team meeting will support that option.

It is now 2 days on, and i feel excatly the same. I am committed to trying one last time, not to just deal with my alcoholism, but issues within my soul. I have to say that the last posts from Saint, R Lee and Jenm have only served to prove it to me further. I thank you so much for that. So next Monday is a "big day" for me. I will let you all know the outcome. Between time, i am going away tomorrow to stay with a dear friend and his family.

This dear friend i refer to is actively involved in the implementation of support for addicts, having previously been an active addict. Many years on, and having worked together, we have become strong friends, almost "brother like", and his family care for me very deeply. They have invited me down, knowing my journey, and the assesment, and have asked only of me that i eat, and that whatever i chose to drink will be my choice, and not something that will be judged. They have offered me love and understanding and wish me to experience relaxation and some peace at this time. They live near to the ocean, and they know i love taking their beautiful dog for walks along the beach. They are also a very spiritual family. Having had battles of their own with a disabled child amongst other children. Their troubles and battles in life command my true respect, their ability to "see through the fog", and still offer me love, humbling.

Saint, R Lee, Jenm, and all of you out there that have cared for my journey, becareful what you wish for......you may just get it. I truly hope that i will get this opportunity and for the first time will get sober AND THEN LEARN, what to do with what i wish for when i get it. (I hope that made some sense to some).

I'm holding on, and i am going to fight for sustained sobriety.....watch me.

Thank you all sooo much x

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all.
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Unread 10-17-2012, 01:30 PM   #119
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Tryntryagain,

Thank you....

You have surrounded yourself with people that will help with your recovery. You are fortunate and I am happy you have this opportunity. You deserve it. Be kind to yourself.

Stay strong, stay safe,
Saint
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Unread 10-17-2012, 02:57 PM   #120
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Tryntryagain, You have mentioned your friend & his family before. They were the ones who did not sugar coat your alcoholism. That is what we need. I'm glad that you are going to see them.

I do jail meetings once a week. This last week I was having lunch & saw a inmate that was now out of jail. He left a store with a case of beer. He was back in jail yesterday & I asked him if he was there because of alcohol. He said no. I told him when & where I saw him & he admitted that he was there. I then asked him if he had remained sober since the last time he was in jail. He said yes. I then told him I saw him walking out of a store with a case of beer. He then admitted that he has been drinking. I explained that he did not hurt my feelings that he chose to drink again. I explained he was an alcoholic doing what active alcoholics do drink & then lie about it. I did not judge him.
Your friend letting you have the choice of what to drink is similar to what I said to the inmate.

I wish you the best on the choices you make.
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Unread 10-20-2012, 06:42 PM   #121
Tryntryagain
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Hello erveryone. Thank all so much for helping me along my way.

I am back from a place i am so very lucky that asked even for me not to leave. You are reading the words from the luckiest person alive.

So back at home, totally......well you know......

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all.
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Unread 10-21-2012, 08:58 PM   #122
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Dear Tryntryagain,
So glad that you sought out a professional, neutral advice . Good luck with the plan - as always never ever give up trying. I truly wish you the best, take care, Carly
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Unread 10-22-2012, 11:00 AM   #123
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Hello everyone, and thank you, thank you all for your support, your wisdom and your kindness. I am now back from my 2nd meeting at this unit, i have been assigned a keyworker who will be sorting out a detox for me. I shall then be going onto a rehab program over several months. I shall be seeing him next Wednesday although i briefly met him today after my intial appointment.

So i have a question for you all. All good eh? Things are most certainly going my way in terms of the support and guidance i have been looking for. Apart from feeling utterly terrified.....whoa......hold on right there......what am i terrified of?

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all
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Unread 10-22-2012, 12:54 PM   #124
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Tryntryagain,

Yes all good things!

Terrified.... of change, of facing one's own perceived faults, of what other's may think of us ??? Only you know what terror may lie within.

Truly accept who you are today, love who you are today, and work on what needs changing. Progress, not perfection as they say.

Be kind to yourself. Your heading in a good direction!!

Regards,
Saint
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Unread 10-22-2012, 10:41 PM   #125
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Tryntryagain, Be willing to surrender you are no longer in the drivers seat. Be greatful that you have been given this chance at sobriety.
I could not get sober on my own. I needed other alcoholics like everyone here to show me the way.
Like I suggest to the inmates at the jail meeting. Have a plan when you get out.
My plan today is to stay sober until I fall asleep greatful for another day of sobriety. Everyone here are my thoughts.

Frank I hope you are OK.
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Unread 10-23-2012, 01:05 PM   #126
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Hello everyone. Thank you Saint and R Lee for your support, (and everyone else). I think i can say i have moved on in a "big way" since my last post. An "humbling honesty" has overwhelmed me. I do mean that i lie, i mean i am not honest with myself.

I will be offered this detox, and there is a group that runs from 10.30-12pm, called a "pre detox group". It's actual advertising for the group on the handout, says "those that wish to stop drinking, those that are nervous in groups, those that have been offered a sustainable detox, MAY attend. It is voluntary. You must be too drunk to attend".

Yesterday, as i am obviously going to be detoxed, it was reasonable to advise i came along to the pre detox group. Why? Because it shows commitment, it shows you bloody well want it. So it was duly offered.

"Are you happy to come along to the pre detox group?"

"No"

"Oh why is that?"

"You know how embarrasing this is for me, blah, blah, blah, i will bump into someone that i know....blah, blah, blah...."

"I quite understand" he said, i can see thats how you could feel.

Off i went, sorted. Detox, without the "hoo hah" of going through the "same old stuff again." I know it all.

Oh yeah? I'm not sure which one of you wonderful folk said to me "would you rather die of embarrasment or......"

I could not get off my mind why i was turning away support, guidance, when it is quite obvious i need all that i can get.

Today i truly "handed myself in", i decided to get off my high horse, i rung the unit and said, may i join the group on Thursday?

The response was " you would be most welcome, well done you".

I think what truly changed my mind was that i was asked to research other ways of defining "powerlessness". I can't do powerlessness. Until it was suggested that my perception of powerlessness was entirely negative, but to admit one is powerless against alcohol is to be strong.

It, and you all, made me pick up the phone. I will be there on Thursday, amongst folk just the same as me.

Thank you all. I am sorry i am being selfish in that i need you all right now, but your well being, allows me to find mine.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all.
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Unread 10-23-2012, 03:39 PM   #127
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Hi Tryn -
I am so happy to hear of the positive path that you are on. The scariest thing about getting sober (for me) was that I actually had to face all the fears that I had. My life was run by and consumed with fear. Someone told me once that fear is "False Evidence Appearing Real". Another thing that you wrote is that you are "getting off your high horse". Once I became the 'passenger', and let someone else 'drive', I no longer had to spend all of my time trying to control everyone, control every outcome, and so on. What a relief, I am not in charge of everything!

Yesterday my son's hamster died, and I found his little body while the boys were at school. I cried. I also took care of everything so that my son didn't have to see it when he got home. Such a small thing, but if I was still drinking, it wouldn't have been a big deal. Nothing or no one was as important as my drinking, even though I would say it wasn't.

Please don't overwhelm yourself, Tryn. Take it a day at a time. Or, sometimes an hour at a time, or 5 minutes at a time. Whatever works! I wish you the very best and we are all here for you! Jenm
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Unread 10-23-2012, 04:26 PM   #128
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Tryntryagain,

You bring a smile to my face when you mention 'powerlessness'. We have so, so,so many things we are powerless over we choose to consciously ignore them so we can function every day. The sun comes up every day....what if it doesn't? Pilot of your airplane, better be good.... what if he isn't? Cars travelling in opposite directions, should one cross the center line.... You get the idea. We try to 'control' things perhaps to make ourselves powerful?? Why do they say Doctors make the worst patients??

Humility

Trust

Respect

These words and what they stand for will serve us well.

Tryntryagain you are taking a chance on yourself. Congrats! It's humbling, scary at times, but worth it. Keep up the good work, because it is work!

Stay strong,
Saint
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Unread 10-23-2012, 10:23 PM   #129
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Tryntryagain. I'm not blowing my horn but it was me who asked do you want to die of alcoholism rather than embarrassment. I will say things to alcoholics like that to get their attention. Sometimes the answer is right there but we can't see it for the fog.
To look at what you said in your last post & then go back & read your other post just blows my mind away.
It sounds so good to hear you now. To hear you have surrendered, your no longer are in charge. You have a chance take what is suggested & make the best with that information.
I can't sugar coat things when I work with another alcoholic. I won't enable a alcoholic.
I have seen my best friend die of alcoholism this last year. No one could get through to him. I had to just let him go his way because he did not want to get sober.
I'm so lucky to be sober today. It is a gift but I have to work at it.
You sound so good now & you have the right attitude to enter rehab. Had this chance come before now with your old attitude I don't think you would have had a chance.
Embrace what has been offered to you & be ready to give it back to the alcoholic that will need to hear your story.
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Unread 10-25-2012, 12:44 AM   #130
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Dear Tryn,
Everyone's feedback is so helpful,powerlessness, esp the Fear. Tryn, I think maybe in the field you have heard the saying when someone has the knowledge but still faces the struggle, we tend to intellectualize or rationalize ( and not in a healthy way ) or that we are treatment savvy, trying to dictate one's own treatment program. I know this because I was one of them! Everyone has their rock bottom and mine was GRIM.
I understand that it must be difficult to let go and surrender because this was what you did but it is NOT who you are. IMO - We are so much more than the career and the accolades that comes with that. Take time to get healthy and discover who YOU are, the rest will fall into place. You have great feedback here and know that everyone is pulling for you. Take care, Carly
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Unread 10-30-2012, 11:17 AM   #131
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Tryntryagain,

How are you??? Hope things are going well. Post when you have a chance or feel up to it.

Stay Safe,
Saint
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Unread 10-30-2012, 12:59 PM   #132
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Hello everyone, and thank you all for your positive feedback, i also want you to be aware that i know it is heartfelt, that in supporting me on my journey has involved you to "look back" to places you would rather not go. I feel humbled you all root for me by doing those things.

I'm in a strange place. Over the last 3 weeks i have radically changed my using behaviour. I know there is no such thing for me as "controlled" drinking, but if there was....this is it for now. Over the last couple of weeks i have suffered badly physically, "alot of things catching up with me" and there has barely been a day that has gone by without me seeing a DR for 1 thing or another. The unit i am engaged with wrote a report to my Dr and proposed a plan of action. Their primary concern was my "non eating", and believe i may have developed a disorder around that. I have had that many blood tests recently i can honestly say i feel drained!! I am being given huge doses of "goodness" of which, and this shocked me to the core, my body had an allergic reaction to VITAMINS!! Yup. Eyes were swollen, my whole body covered in welts, rashes, spots, tongue swelling up etc, off to hospital i went. They asked the usual, "taken any drugs?, new washing powder etc etc" and eventually a lovely person came and sat on my bed and said, "your body has tried to reject vitamins". i said "but can the body be allergic to goodness????", she said, "the body can react to anything it is not used to, and this is a marker of how much attention you need to give to that thing that hangs down from your neck....it's called your body.....and it needs looking after right now"

So i am in a state of shock, at the shock of the state i'm in quite frankly.

My eyes have always served me well. My instincts have always been right. Therefore i have always "seen" what i need to do. Since i have engaged with this unit it has at least allowed me to "open my eyes" that i thought were never shut, and perhaps my heart is beginning to get a look in.

I have an appointment tomorrow afternoon with a new keyworker. I have had 2 sessions with a Psychiatrist who wrote the report to GP and whatnot, and this fellow is going to walk with me through the detox process and plans of beyond.

I used to sail. Those in the know will know what i mean by "laser". It's a 1 person boat with just a mainsail. It travels very fast across the water and being so light, balance is everything. I was constantly fighting, "sneaking up on" and "stealing the wind", to make my boat perform at it's maximum. The changing wind constantly a challange.

I am on a course right now, i really hope the wind does not change direction.

A special thanks to Saint, R Lee and CarlyO and Jenm, and i can see others following my journey. Thank you all for your support and thoughts.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all.
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Unread 10-30-2012, 02:24 PM   #133
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Tryntryagain, Good luck on you journey remember it is the 1st drink that will get you.

Controled drinking sounds awful to me. I would no more start drinking that 1st drink & wonder where the next one was. A few drinks never appealed to me.
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Unread 10-30-2012, 05:05 PM   #134
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Dear Tryn,
Good to see an update from you and that you are working towards finding your way. In regards to your health, take care of yourself... as in the mind, body, spirit connection. We often encourage people who have recently stopped their substance(s) of choice to get a thorough physical to rule out possible medical/psychological issues that substances can mask or aggravate. Glad that that you are addressing these issues. Any step towards harm reduction is a positive one and I hope that you and your team will continue to make progress. Keep us posted - Take care, Carly
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Unread 10-31-2012, 10:36 AM   #135
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Tryntryagain,

Glad to hear you are getting the good care and support you deserve. For me I no longer dread 'looking back' at who I was. I have made peace with it, accepted it, learned from it, and grown as a person. It is, afterall, a large part of who I am today. For me, I don't want to ever forget!! And I'm OK with that.

It is also OK to reach out for support when the winds of change do come. You can't do all things by one's own self. Trust in the capabilities of others. It is unsettling and uncomfortable to live outside one's comfort zone but that is where personal growth comes from. Learn about yourself, but be kind to yourself. Remember, you're not the first to travel this path and unfortunately, will not be the last.

I will also echo Lee's sentiments regarding controlled drinking. It is not for me. One drink was never enough.

Stay safe,
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Unread 11-01-2012, 10:37 AM   #136
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Hello everyone, and one again thank you. I hear your words R Lee and Saint, and if it means anything to you Re controlled drinking....i entirely agree. I have what i consider to be wonderful news. At last....i am getting detoxed!!! HOORAY!!!!! I have an appointment on Wed 14th November. The detox will last 10 days and i am to attend everyday for those 10 days and then i shall be moving onto an aftercare package to another project.

My friends i am over the moon. When one talks of "light at the end of the tunnel"...i can see it, smell it and even feel it falling across my heart and my spirit. I am, well, so, so, so very relieved and so, so very grateful to have this opportunity. I simply can not wait to get sober. It's a bit like Christmas in that i am so looking forward to "opening up" all those presents and wondering what could be inside them. To have the chance to find out about myself, learn to accept (as Saint was alluding to) and finding ways of moving forward and staying safe. I am soooo excited.

I was congratulated in the work i have done on myself over the last 3-4 weeks. I have substantially reduced my intake, i have been to my Dr's to carry out the action plan, and actively addressing my issues including my eating. I was told that the detox could now be offered to me as i had shown motivation and action in my desire to change.

Dear Lord, i am going to be sober!!! It's all i ever really wanted. I now have a chance to make my dreams come true, free from the "mafioso" influence of this wretched poison.

When i look back over the weeks and the months only serves to flag up the enormous amount of support i have had from this forum, how incredibly important it has been for me to have that, and how it has enabled me through some really tough times for me, to keep believing, to keep wanting sobriety and to keep trying for it.

Thank you everyone. x

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all.
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Unread 11-01-2012, 11:16 AM   #137
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Tryntryagain,

Congratulations on your progress!!

Your positive attitude will serve you well. You have your goal, work towards it each and every day. Should you find yourself struggling or doubting yourself, reach out, someone will be there.

Yes indeed, for us alcohol is a poison.....


Very happy for you for the opportunity you have before you, you're worth it!!


Stay healthy my friend.

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Unread 11-01-2012, 03:30 PM   #138
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Tryntryagain, Good luck on your detox & your new journey!!
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Unread 11-01-2012, 07:57 PM   #139
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Hi Tryn!

I can feel your excitement and I can read your HOPE. Isn't it amazing?

It is never too late. I would beat myself up horribly for a relapse and it would just send me spinning down. No one can be harder on me than me. My friend Melissa would tell me that she chooses not to participate in my pity party. What I know now is that I have had to go through absolutely everything that I have gone through (good or bad) to get where I am today.

I am so happy for you. We are all here for you. You do not have to do this thing alone! I agree with the others about the controlled drinking.....why bother just having one? I never understood my non-alcoholic friends who would leave part of their drink in the glass and be ready to leave. Who does that?

I am so proud of you. Read back over this whole post and just take a look at your progress. Continue to take care of you! Jenm
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Unread 11-03-2012, 04:58 PM   #140
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Hello everyone, and thank you R Lee, Saint and Jenm, i have only one thing to say, (well sing really), and when you read this i want you to all sing along, .....

Zippidi doo dah zippydi day, my oh my what a wonderful day.., plenty of sunshine coming my way, zippidi doo dah zippydi day x

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all.
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Unread 11-03-2012, 08:53 PM   #141
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Tryntryagain, You are welcome. Stay motivated!!!
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Unread 11-05-2012, 09:24 AM   #142
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Hi Tryn!

I sang that song out loud and even danced a little and my almost 4 year old son thought I was nuts. Keep on doing it! Jenm
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Unread 11-06-2012, 10:55 AM   #143
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Hello everyone. Glad to know you had a dance about and a good sing Jemn! I have spent years running music therapy groups, one of the greatest of healing mediums when the sound created comes from ones fingers accompanied by ones heart. The "wandering hands" of this disease seem to retreat at such signs of individuality. I call them "purple patches". Those are times, (they may only last minutes), where i am "me". Aspiration, motivation, inspiration, creativity, self belief can pour as easily as water from a jug into a glass. There you are....right there, laid bare. Your abilities breathtaking, your weaknesses dibilitating, therein lies the struggle.

At the risk of sounding like an old hippy, this forum has taught me something new. I thought love was given and received. I had no idea it just "existed". I feel it all around me on this site, almost to the point of looking over my shoulder, thank you all.

Still on track. Waiting to hear from my "move on" after detox, (hopefully 14th), so still have a week to hear from them, get an assesment and Bob's yer Uncle.

I wonder what i "will be like?". I mean....do you know what i mean?......what on earth does one do, when used to feeling for others, a lifetime of looking out for others, looking out for "myself"? What does it mean to "look after oneself?" I know i'm exposing myself as a bit thick and naive, but i know how to heal your leg, i never thought to fix my own. Now i am, i feel "toothless and tool less". It surprises me that the desire to "look at myself" is so weak. One would have thought that's all i would want to do, but i don't know where to start. I've done my time in rehabs, and had relentless CBT groups, i have done the big book, i have met the most extraordinary people within treatment. I have done harm reduction, learnt how not to stand on your head reduction, learn how to walk in a straight line reduction, and even how to get on a bus without falling off it reduction, what's different now?

I don't want it anymore. I don't wan't it anymore. I can't wait to be sober. There is no way i've got to here out of sheer luck. I grant you, much of it was. But there must be something in there that is worth exploring. I do believe that would be "me".

How's this for "confusing nonsense"....i don't believe in a God, but then i would ask those that do, to pray for me? Hedging one's bets? Coward? What say you?

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all.
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Unread 11-06-2012, 02:45 PM   #144
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Tryntryagain, My suggestions is to surrender & keep it simple. We are complicated people from all walks of life that like to complicate things.
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Unread 11-06-2012, 03:38 PM   #145
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Thank you R Lee for your thoughts. No i will not. I will not "surrender". What i will do however is take responsibility for my actions, my behaviour and the consequences of such. My desire to become sober is so very real i can feel it. I do not believe that i have to "give in to give up". I believe the way i have chosen, which is to accept that alcohol is not something i get along with, alcohol is something that will destroy my life and eventually kill me, that i know, but i will not "give in to it"....i will "stand up to it", use who i am, what i believe i want to acheive, as my springboard to a sober life. I just don't get this "powerlessness"stuff. It is within my power as a human being, as an individual to learn to manage and cope. Handing that responsibility to a higher power, simply beyond me. Indeed we are all complicated people, handing over, giving in, surrendering, makes things all the more complicated for me. Nope, taking responsibility, learning how to make wise choices, adrift from alcohol, is what i am looking for. That to me is simple. Juggling new beliefs because it makes things "easier", handing over my struggles to an entity undefinable to me, unrealistic. I think it was Saint who said to me "you want to be sober on your own terms", absolutely. I want a sobriety devoid of fear, a sobriety that i chose for my life, not a sobriety that is prescribed and "right for me". Sobriety is right for me, although i feel my sobriety lies within me. Spiritual awareness, means a great deal to me. Being told how to make my spiritual awareness work for me?, is to deny what individual spirituality is.

I may die trying, but sobriety to me means overcoming my weaknesses, being aware of them yes, R Lee, the complicated things that we are, my salvation lies in myself learning to know and like myself. Trying to deny that we "are all complicated", and somehow "surrendering" to our illness the way out? Do you think those with other illnesses "give in"? or do they fight? How many times in your life have you heard of those that have overcome their illnesses through positive thinking and belief in their lives and their belief in themselves? Before i "surrender" i would like to fight. I have no doubt you have an expression that says, "he'll learn", i do hope so. After a lifetime of this, knowing nothing else, i still believe I can overcome this because i sooo want to.

I don't want to "look up" to find my answers, i will find them inside me, at least i hope so. If i am wrong my epitaph will say so. But i am absolutely sure i have the answers to my addictions inside me, accessing that my treatment program.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all.
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Unread 11-06-2012, 11:23 PM   #146
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tryntryagain,

Do what works for you. Sobriety means to me - Don't drink. It's that simple and that complicated! You will learn things about yourself on your road to sobriety if you are open and receptive. Case in point... while I was seeing a counselor for my drinking eventually she determined I no longer needed her support. I would have agreed with her but when I actually heard the words from her mouth I felt unsettled, off centered, if you will. Subconciously I relied on our meetings more than I consciously admitted. Yes we are complicated but we should be open to the suggestions of others if what we have tried in the past has not worked for us. One can't see the forest for the trees as it were. It would seem you have the answers before the problem has been solved... Yes fight for your sobriety, stay positive, but also be receptive and open to the suggestions of others. Look outside of yourself, some of your answers will lie there also. I do not need to know why I can't drink, I just know if I do the downward spiral will commence once again. I don't live in fear of that, I accept that will happen should I drink again and today remain committed to doing whatever it takes to stay sober. So yes fight the disease, learn about the disease, and learn about yourself. I accept the fact I cannot control my alcohol intake. I am at peace with that fact today, at this moment.

We do not have all the answers nor do I think we should. But that does not mean we should stop trying to find those very same answers. That is where our personal growth comes from...consciously moving away from that which makes us content today. Not easy to do but can be very rewarding.

Regards,
Saint
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Unread 11-07-2012, 02:17 PM   #147
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Trntryagain, Good luck!
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Unread 11-09-2012, 09:40 AM   #148
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tryntryagain,

Just wanted you to know I've been wondering how you are today. Hope you are well. Stay safe.

Regards,
Saint
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Unread 11-13-2012, 01:48 PM   #149
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tryntryagain,

Hope things are going as good as they can for you. Hang in there!

Stay Strong,
Saint
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Unread 11-13-2012, 05:03 PM   #150
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TaTA-
I agree with others, you must do what works for you. I did not follow a specific protocol to get my recovery in order. I just learned as much as possible and melded together what would work best for me. In my life, accountability to my family was very important because growing up I had no one to be accountable to. Now, I have a loving family and I do not want to lose that. They are just a portion of an overall program of recovery for me. The only one thing I would add is that having complete willingness to do what it takes is important. I have no doubt that you will get to the place you wish to be. Keep fighting!
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