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Unread 03-30-2017, 05:46 PM   #5301
Millie
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I'm so glad you're being good to yourself today. And I'm so very sorry you had a bad night. Please feel better.
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Unread 04-02-2017, 06:00 AM   #5302
Tryntryagain
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Good morning everyone. Bright blessings to you all.

My dearest Alexis, my dear, dear R Lee and my dearest Millie, thank you for your kind well wishes. I have a hosiptal appointment on 24th April, and the Drs next week. I can do little else than manage.

I hope Millie is feeling more confident after a difficult personal time of it lately o be fair. Our dear Alexis away for the weekend, which along with our dear Lost Dog camping i think is good timing for them both. I worry that mine and our dear, dear R Lee may at times feel quite, quite lonely, and that can make day to day a "different" challenge. I may also be totally wrong. It is just a feeling i get.

The things that are not quite top notch at the moment with my health i feel are sooner rather than later going to need some fairly drastic action. I may have little choice soon other than to succumb to my greatest fear and that is being alone in hospital. For me that is the stuff of nightmares. However, day to day at the moment isn't much fun either.

We shall see.

I feel like water. The more my health trys to confine me, so i find another crack to seep through so i can tend to the flowers that are within me. I mean today is such a beautiful dear ole Blighty Spring day. The wind is light, more blue than clouds, more warmth than chill. The stained glass in my little home comes alive, the colours festooning and fanning out across a sleeping Rolo's coat. My recent decorating, proud, clean and looking at its best as the sun streams through the kitchen window.

About 25 years ago something very simple, something anyone could do, began to change my life.

For a myriad of reasons, growing up on the street means you adopt many behaviours you are unaware of. 1 of them is "looking".

It did not take me long to realise whose eyes you could meet, and whose you could not. Often the very weather meant your eyes were best just looking at the pavement.

I did not know it yet i spent years and years and years, looking at, and following my feet. Never looked anyone in the eye, and once i had appraised my surroundings to be safe, saw nothing else.

I entered daily treatment. The group started 2pm-3pm. You could attend on the basis you had not had a drink that day. I found it almost impossible. They stuck with me, kept my "place open" when others were not so lucky. 1 day, made it, and i made it for the next 3 days. 4 whole days.

You know what?........for almost entirely those 4 days i was banging on about what was around me. How beautiful things were. It was like seeing the birds in the trees for the first time. Now, when once i looked as far as i could to the horizon to gauge the approaching weather, it is out of beauty, not necessity.

I think, somehow i have been pretty good at keeping my head up on my journey, yet 25 years ago i learnt to keep my eyes up too. Other than this family, it has been the greatest source of not just my journey to sobriety, yet the components that make me, and sobriety possible.

My work with Milan enables me to revisit my places of total destitution, yet this time, we both have a sack. We wander about the ruins of the still smouldering experiences, and gather up the treasure, the value, and the strength that it also contained.
Sometimes we really do throw the baby out with the bath water without realising it. I believe all of you individually are so very strong, so very diverse, yet what belongs to us all is that our struggles made us the beautiful people we are, not the times we get annoyed when it was taking too long to clean your yacht.

So, as usual, Tryns ridiculously long winded way of saying, in a strange way i accept the beauty of this day as graciously as i accept my health. The Great Man is with me and has sent me such the most beautiful day to enjoy on his day, and so be it.

The ole fella, who bless him has struggles of his own, is my rock as i am his. The Great Man may have gone....yet nothing has changed. How quite wonderful.

A gentle and loving Sunday awaits. All i have, and the ole fella has is, as i write, winging its way across the ocean to you. Give it half hour, you'll feel it soon enough.

Have a grand day.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all.
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Unread 04-02-2017, 09:50 AM   #5303
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Hope you are enjoying your special day Tryn - lovely weather up here. Hope its nice for you too.

Love and kisses xx
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Unread 04-02-2017, 05:52 PM   #5304
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Your gratitude is so inspiring. hope you feel well this whole week.
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Unread 04-03-2017, 03:25 PM   #5305
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I hope you're having a good day, Tryn. And I do hope that despite your fear of the hospital, you'll get the help you need when you need it. Take us with you. We're happy to keep you company. Maybe your kids can take turns too?

Hugs!
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Unread 04-05-2017, 05:24 AM   #5306
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How you doing Tryn?? xx
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Unread 04-05-2017, 08:24 AM   #5307
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Have a grand day back at you!
Xxxxxx
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Unread 04-06-2017, 03:21 AM   #5308
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Please write when you can. I'm worried you haven't popped up and I'm wishing the best for you -a peaceful joyful day.
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Unread 04-06-2017, 05:48 AM   #5309
Tryntryagain
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Good morning everyone. Bright blessings to you all.

My dearest Alexis, my dearest Lost Dog, my dearest Millie and my dearest Soapdish, thank you for popping in and spreading your love, understanding and strength with me.

Ummmm.....proper ****ed off this morning. My downstairs stuff as you know has been causing more and more problems, and now....(you couldn't make this up)....my ****ing toilet is blocked! I can't go. I've rung my landlords, (Housing Association), they are being totally fantastic as they know what issues i have, and someone is hot footing it over to mine to help me out as a "top priority". I have literally EVERYTHING crossed, that it happens soon. They are doing their best for me to get here i know that.

Dear, dear, dearie me. What a palava. It can't go on this. You know what?......It will though. The muscles in my lower back are so "shot now" that i have to stoop to walk. It worrys me...i am getting closer and closer to the ****ing ground.

Tell you what....it is a stunningly beautiful day in my dear ole Blighty. The dear ole fella and myself were out to help the sun up this morning, both of us "stooping" ourselves along the way. We now have various "stopping points" where we both take a breath or 2, have a jolly good look around, and off we go again. It is a veritable mission our walks now. It makes them all the more rewarding.

So my dearest Lost Dog, Tryn is always here until he is not, yet "popping up" as regularly as i used to is now perhaps not as easy as it has once been. I know EXACTLY what is happening for you, and all my other brothers and sisters. The relationship you all have with each other is something that gives me strength.

To read how you love each other so is like going to an art gallery each and every day, and the pictures, the paintings that are there, awe inspiring, touching, gentle, true, raw, painful, joyful, beautiful. Each day, there are new paintings....each day becomes more and more expressive and loving. This family knows no bounds. It is what makes us......us.

Have a gentle and thoughtful day.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all.
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Unread 04-06-2017, 06:29 AM   #5310
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Hi my dear little brother, earlier in the week you mentioned a doctor appointment next week, what day is it? I hope it's early in the week because of how badly you're feeling.

I hope they get there soon to fix your toilet.

Big hugs to you and many skritches to dear Rolo.

Your Big Sis
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Unread 04-06-2017, 07:19 AM   #5311
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Hey Tryn, i hate to hear you feeling so poorly. Please make a doctors appointment when you can??

Take us with you. We love you so much xx
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Unread 04-06-2017, 08:35 AM   #5312
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Good afternoon everyone. Bright blessings to you all.

My dearest, most wonderful Big Sis and my dearest Alexis.....i can tell you this......there are quite the most wondrously kind human beings that belong to this heating seeking missile we call planet earth so there are.

It was not a comfortable conversation to the fellow who turned up, shining armour and all, to do....well....what none of us would.

You have to think of the fellow.....don't you?.....and so it was.....

DING DONG......(Rolo goes bananas)

"HELLLLOOOOO MY FRIEND!! Have you come to save my life?"..

"Mr Tryn?...."

"The very same"....

"If your unblocked toilet which i believe might save your life, i am most certainly your man"....

"Let me show you the way".

Now Tryn is made up of 2 things...Scottish and Italian. I look Italian, do not sound Scottish, and as there are " 2 sides to every coin". There are also similaritys to both sides. The Italian in me will not allow ANYONE to come into my little home and leave without a meal. If i know i have a gas engineer or whatnot coming round, i will make sandwiches. The Scottish in me is very...very....very upfront. And so....

"My friend i would offer you a cuppa and something to eat, and i would normally shake your hand. I ain't touching you....you understand me?"

He laughed and "got to work"....."eeewweee"....

I had to ask.....

"My friend?.....is this all you do all day....everyday?"

"Errrmm, yup. Pays the bills"

"Does it indeed. eerrrr.......Ever thought of doing something else that would pay the bills....just perhaps mukka?"

My dear brothers and sisters, the older we get the more we realise we know nothing. For sure, you can pop your head down on your pillow at night and know that, however you need to "see it"...believe it.

After i had profiteered that his job must be quite dreadful, daily, and why not do something else.....

"Ohhh Mr Tryn....you don't understand. If i did not do this....who would?"

The pride contained in his rather large framed unit wrapped up in dungeries, incredibly impressive. What a lovely man.

No i did not shake his hand.

I cancelled the Drs appointment yet will still be off to the hospital when it is my turn.

My dearest Millie asked about maybe the kids helping out with loneliness in hospital.

My initial answer is no. I would never ask, and after all, they are grown up now, and not "really" my children.

I know by now they will have issues around who their real fathers may or may not have been, and i know that they got me.

All i can say is that, from nowhere, i have had txts from both the girls and the boys over the last couple of months, simple, loving, yearning. None will know the others are doing so, it comforts me when i try to throw off the very heavy duvet of depression.

I suppose in some ways i might be seen by this family as a positive ole soul. I am for sure. However i have the cancer of depression. It seeps into all my extremity, it does not hide within me like strength does, it festers and accumulates.

I want you to imagine a shopping trip.

You are single.....and you have to carry back home what you need. Your fingers hang on to the swinging bags, stopping to shake those fingers to get blood back in......and as you are able to scream into the wind so noone will hear, you do so.

You wonder why you have to carry sooooo many bags. You wonder if you could do without "that one....or this one"?

It is life.

We "carry" so much burden. For me this family, growing towards sobriety, engaging with sobriety and learning to live with sobriety, is about only carrying what we need to. The space it frees up is where i believe we regrow, relearn and relive.

I could do with a hug folks.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all.
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Unread 04-06-2017, 09:08 AM   #5313
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Tryn i am hugging you and im not letting go.

I promise, ill never let go, unless you want me to... You are so special to me. I know you understand how i love you so.

You know i have the disease that is severe depression too, but you show me the way, to be more positive and loving and kind. You make me a better person, and i thank you for that.

Love, always, from me and Jackson and Socks xxx
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Unread 04-06-2017, 09:33 AM   #5314
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My dear Little Brother, I am sending you the biggest hugs. Now and always.

Your Big Sis
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Unread 04-06-2017, 01:21 PM   #5315
Millie
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With all due respect, Tryn, I think you're underestimating your kids' love for you. From what you've said, you're every bit as much their family as they are yours. Please don't forget you have them, and that you are not alone. With them, and with us.

And yes, we do see you as positive -- in your day to day notes, and the ways in which you often react to the curve balls that life hands you. But we also (at least I do) realize that you're much more complex than that, of course. We all have our layers and swings of the pendulum, and all points in between. And we did know you had the depressive streak too -- I think many of us here do. We don't come to substance abuse via chronic contentedness, after all...

I'm sorry you're feeling this way, and boy do I wish we could help. Know that I for one am sending so much love, it'll make your hair stand on end, to both you and Rolo.

Actually, before I go, I want to tell you a story, just because it happened. String players, and non-piano players, singers... we use vibrato to make the tone prettier and more interesting. It generally succeeds at both of those. I was at orchestra rehearsal last night, playing Brahms's gorgeous German Requiem (the end of the second movement is one of the most beautiful and tear-jerking passages of music ever ever written, but I digress...). The conductor said that throughout the whole piece -- the whole seven movements, he wants no vibrato.

He said it would create space in the music. It was actually hard to do. We're all trained as string players to move our wrists and make that tone pretty, but we had to do it only using the bow hand, and without vibrato, your notes have to be exactly in tune. There's no wiggle room. Literally!

Well, it *did* create space in the music. It was the strangest and most beautiful thing. I can't describe it. What happened, really, was that once we stopped trying to sweeten every little note as we were trained, once we just let each note play and be itself and come together into the whole, as pure as it could possibly be, it created an entirely new picture. No filigree, no unnecessary chatter, not even any individuality. Just ... living each note on each note's terms.

Anyway. I really do hope you feel better, and I'm SO glad you got your plumbing problem fixed. Big, big, big hugs to you.

Last edited by Millie; 04-06-2017 at 01:24 PM..
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Unread 04-06-2017, 05:18 PM   #5316
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Very very big hugs
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Unread 04-06-2017, 07:40 PM   #5317
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Big hug and bigger hug from me and all of us. I can speak for everyone, your name gives us hope and love. Yes it does. We long to hear your words. They are quite magical. Take care, feel like you want me to feel all the time. I wish the best and pray for you each day.
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Unread 04-07-2017, 04:27 AM   #5318
Tryntryagain
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Good morning everyone. Bright blessings to you all.

It is 9am in my dear ole Blighty and i am getting picked up to go for a meeting at 10am so can not be long. I simply had to drop you all a line after receiving your letters from yesterday.

My dearest, gifted Alexis, my wonderful Big Sis Nancy, my dearest Soapdish and my dearest Lost Dog. I feel your hugs, your strength and your prayers. My gratitude has no words.

My dearest Millie, as you know Tryn is 1 lucky fella so he is. The reason i refer to you all as "brothers and sisters" has no religious connotations, it is simply because not having brothers and sisters of my own, i imagine what you all share with me constitutes being just that. If i did not see you as my sisters, and the boys as my brothers, i wouldn't listen to you. Only family could love me in the way you all do.

Your analogy, bearing in mind i like to knock out a few tunes myself, you must have known would have brought me in tears. And so it has.

I thank you for your insight and wisdom. I am grateful for your eloquence that could only have come from the heart, and i do take on board what you say about the children.

I watched the Great Man die over 20 months. There was not 1 single day i was not with him. It very nearly took me with him. I have had some challenging months on my journey, those 20, certainly nothing has come close.

I know i did, yet at no point did i feel of any "use" to him. I could not take his pain away, i could not make him better, i could not stop him dying.

12 months before he died, it was 3am and he had been taken back into hospital with infection at about midnight. His bed was "high" so when i sat down next to him our eye levels were exactly level. He reached out his hand and held mine, told me how much he loved me, what a good man he thought i was and simply said, "goodbye my beauty". I never saw Larry cry before, or as it transpired ever again. It was the only time i felt of any use....just dabbing his tears away and telling to "stop being silly".

For all of me, i left in tears, "fleeing from the scene"...i could not handle losing him. Of course he went on to live for another year, yet the "die had been cast" so it had. Each and every day i was waiting for him to die. Nothing i could do could change that.

You know what my dear Millie?......i wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy.

I am a stubborn, stoic and an immensely private man.

What i share with the family here, should you know me in my day to day life, you would not recognise the Tryn you know now. No one knows ANYTHING about me other than what they can see, (which is obvious i am not well) and what i chose to tell them for the purposes of supporting others. I am seen very much as a "dark horse". I most certainly have various reputations, yet when i am met i confuse folk as i am not what they expect. My reputation lends folk to feel they have to give me an unusually wide birth, however when they meet me they gravitate towards me. It is at that very place my desires for supporting others, lives.

I can be no more than the weakest link in my chain. I try so hard to see my difficulty's and challenges merely to overcome.

For as much as i eulogise about loneliness, i have to accept that in a round about way, i have chosen that path.

I simply could not allow my children to see me in this way. The impression of me they have, a strong, no-nonsense/don't **** about with chap. A fellow that stands up for what he believes...strong...strong....strong.....i could not handle them passing me some water because i am now too weak to do so for myself.

Can't have that girl.

Anyhew i gotta get myself together, lift will be here soon.

The 1 thing i want you to hear, all of you today is....

"Thank you"

Thank you for being here for me, thank you for listening, deciphering and caring for my words. All of them come from my heart.

Off we go.

Thank you Millie.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all.
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Unread 04-07-2017, 06:44 AM   #5319
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Hello Tryn, just about good morning

Whats the meeting for? One of your community things??

Hope it goes welll!

Just a little thought, to me, my dad is the strongest man out there, but if he was weaker and needed me, i would want him to be honest about that, and let me help him.

Just a quick thought, im sure your kids would want to be there for you when you need them, regardless of your reputation.

Love you millions, have a great day xxx
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Unread 04-07-2017, 08:14 AM   #5320
Tryntryagain
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Good afternoon everyone. Bright blessings to you all.

Awww, my dearest Alexis, what a lovely, lovely letter. Thank you for sharing your compassion and honesty with me.

Yes, indeedy dear Alexis, this morning i had a little meeting around the residents association, and 1 of the fellows there was the chap that is finding me funding for 1 thing or another. I felt much better this morning than i have of late, mind you, i spent 2 days preparing for an hours meeting! It is what it is and i will do what i need to to so i can make a difference.

It was lovely to get out, to be a part of what is going on. To have already received an e mail from them to say "thank you for being so purposeful and lively!" really does make me feel good about how i am managing.

I have realised i only have "so much in the tank" for purpose and direction. So i kinda "save it up" for when it is needed and then sorta...."let go of it" in the right environment. It means i can give all i can, in the right place, to the right people.

It is also heartwarming that they all fell over themselves to offer me any help they could. That is so very nice and kind of them.

My dear Alexis Re the children, it is so hard to know the right way forward. I call them "the children", the youngest Jakey Boy coming out in November is 24. The girls all in their 30's. They are not children, just in my heart. Both our dear Millie and your good self....what i have heard for me....is to give them individuality and credit for actually being well grown up adults. However, it is impossible for me to look at any of them in the eye without seeing my children. My instinct to always keep them safe, and to shield them from the "nasty bits of life" as best i can.

I have also learnt from your letters that there is lot of "ego" going on for me. I did not realise it until you shared what you did.

I do not like to feel vulnerable infront of anyone, not least the children. I do not like to feel vulnerable to myself.....yet i do.

I think Tryn needs to "suck it up", drop the ego, (it is not intentional....it "came about") and maybe reach out in ways i have never done.

You see?.......The older one gets.....the more there is to learn.

Thank you my dearest, gifted Alexis.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all.
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Unread 04-07-2017, 12:37 PM   #5321
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Tryn no problem at all, all i wish is to help you whenever i can. So im glad you took my letter positively. It is good that we can share our points of view. You as a father, me as a daughter. Like i said, if my dad was struggling i would want to know.

We shared a really emotional time when i was home, he told me how proud he was of me, and how even though i struggle with my mental health, i work hard and put on big exhibitions etc I cried a little. and hugged him.

I just wish i could physically hug you too Tryn. Well we do really dont we...i hold your hand and go on nice little walks with you and Rolo

What are your plans this weekend?

Love you xxx
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Unread 04-07-2017, 04:04 PM   #5322
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Yep it is a good idea to drop the ego Tryn. I am working on mine. Sent with love. Hugs!
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Unread 04-07-2017, 04:51 PM   #5323
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Hi Tryn,

When my dad was in hospital in February it was a great indignity for him at first. Like you, a stoic, private man, he didn't want the nurses helping him, he took massive risks trying to do stuff independently, and most of all he certainly didn't want me to see him that way. But I went anyway and I just said, "dad, you know, it's no big deal. Really it isn't. I'm much stronger than you think and I just want to be here with you. Please let me" and that was true. He's my dad and I wanted to be with him. I think we're both really glad now that I did. We're closer too, I'd say. These are the things that bring people closer together.

more hugs
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Unread 04-07-2017, 04:56 PM   #5324
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Just another little input Tryn, Sorry to go on about it....my dad has cancer and he is very private about it, and he doesnt want to discuss it with me and my sister as he doesnt want to seem 'weak' in front of us. But the moment he started to be more open, we became closer. We ARE closer. We have so much fun when together. We always have really but i think going through a crisis has really cemented that love.

I love him more than anything and cant even think about him not being here but for now he is stronger and thats because he has me and my sister with him.

You never know, you may feel stronger with your kids around.

Just give them a chance to be there for you.

LOVE YOU Tryn, so glad i know you xxx
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Unread 04-08-2017, 06:14 AM   #5325
Tryntryagain
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Good morning everyone. Bright blessings to you all.

My dearest, gifted Alexis, my dearest Soapdish, your heartfelt love so graciously accepted by me. I am so grateful that you have chosen to open your hearts and experiences to help me along my way.

My dear, dear R Lee, yup for sure, my ego is not something i have ever seen as a negative.

My journey meant i had no guidance and the influences around me darn right dangerous. So a handful of decades later i know i have arrogance about me, i have an ego, yet i had always seen them as "my only strengths"....my shields in times of distress and confusion. An internal belief that i will survive over and above anyone else.

Of course that is load of hogwash, and i am learning with my dear Milan quite how much my "learnt security systems".......for sure do not allow anyone else in....yet i struggle to "get into myself"......myself! So tight is the security i have built around me.

And so it is with my health. My total weirdness around not letting anyone physically touch me, i struggle feeling comfortable even hugging the children and grandchildren. I think as a child to be violated so often and in so many ways leaves a "stain" deep within you that makes you feel for ever "dirty". You wish to touch or be touched by no other incase "they catch it".

For as much as i long for a love, a touching gentleness to share my life, if she transpired, i simply would not allow her anywhere near me, as much as i would want to.

So you see my dear, dear R Lee, as i wrote in an earlier letter, in a strange way i have chosen this pathway. Invited loneliness upon me. I have chosen to be on my todd with my pooch, even though my heart wishes it were different.

Arrogance, self congratulation, ego when you are entirely on your own, are the bedfellows that stave off the horrors of whom you actually feel like.

I do not purposely have an ego.....as i said...."it came about"....i am only now recognising, a great part down to this beautiful family, quite how much it now gets in the way. It is no longer my friend. It no longer helps me along my way.

The love i have had from our dear Alexis, Millie, Lost Dog and our Soapdish has truly touched me.

R Lee, like all our brothers and sisters i imagine you being with me in person. When you write to me, you may as well be standing right infront of me. I can see your eyes, shake your hand, and then wrap my arms around you. It is as real as that to me.

There are some that wish to wrap their arms around me and never let me go, when i put my arms around you, i never let you go.

My dear ole Blighty is "basking" my beautys. There is not a single cloud in the sky. It is set to be "summer temps" this afternoon. A little warning light for the breathing, yet myself and the ole fella will cope. I have made some sandwiches, and got a really rather groovy "dog travelling water bowl".....so we shall have a very, verrryyyyyyy slow wander into the sunshine, find a spot, and have a sit and a natter. (Oooohhh that reminds me, must take some crisps.)

My redecorating i was unable to totally complete, so some bits and bobs over the weekend to do, and i have had some really lovely e mails from those in the residents association. I got an e mail from the chairperson last night who said i "was the glue that held it together"......if passion is what you mean! Never saw myself as a glue sniffer to be fair! THERE'S the arrogance....THERE'S the addict!>>>> right there!

I am the worlds worst "DIY" fellow i have discovered.

I want a load of "different lights" in my little home...on the ceiling, that sort of thing.

So....for normal people, no problem. Just need to do a bit of "re-wiring"....and Bobs yer Uncle and Nellie's yer Aunt.....the light then would be the light i wish to spread around my little home.

I struggle to rewire a plug. Sope...no can do.

As addicts.....we are all individually....rather impressive "houses/homes". We have everything we need to make a loving home. All of you ooze with love and wisdom. So what's the problem hey?

Ahhhh......."re-wiring".....that is proper difficult for an addict. The way we think, where we put our lights, and what they actually illuminate.

This family for me is about shining light into dark places, taking on fear....head on, knowing that "running for the hills" is what we all feel like doing, and then finding the strength in the fact that as a family....none of us run for the hills.

We stand and fight together. Together we can not be defeated......

Arrogant?

Yer damn ****ing right.

It is going to be such a glorious day in my dear ole Blighty. Come with me.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all.
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Unread 04-08-2017, 07:11 PM   #5326
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well, I don't know what to write. I get behind in reading, but I hope you are doing well today and little Rolo is asleep or playing with his tail.
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Unread 04-09-2017, 04:22 AM   #5327
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Hi,

Do you know Tryn, my dad never ever hugs, kisses, shows affection...only to the dog!
At Christmas or on my birthday he sometimes offers his hand for me to shake. That's him being affectionate. He has never said "I love you". He squirms in his seat if I say it. I tend to say "take care" instead but he only ever replies "bye".
But he once wrote me a letter. Before his triple bypass operation he wrote me a letter. He tells me he likes me and is proud of me. Those words were his way of hugging me and loving me.

I hope you have a great Sunday and Rolo likes his new portable water bowl.
Hugs and kisses
Sending you sunshine from your ancestral Italy...

Xxxxxxxx
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Unread 04-09-2017, 05:44 AM   #5328
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How was your picnic Tryn? Another beautiful day, and im thinking of you extra hard today, on your Special Sunday xx
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Unread 04-10-2017, 08:21 AM   #5329
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Good afternoon everyone. Bright blessings to you all.

My dearest Lost Dog, so good to have you home. My dearest Alexis and my dearest Soapdish thank you.

Yes my dear Alexis, we did our little meander, found a cherry blossom to sit under and had a cuddle and a natter.

My dear Soapdish i am a bit of a funny ole sausage in that my children are told almost daily how much i love them. I constantly tell them how proud i am of them....and why. I was exactly the same as they were growing up. I am "so over the top loving" that of course they want to cuddle me. It is then, and only then i feel dreadfully uncomfortable. It is the legacy left by the abusers on me. Don't get me wrong, i DO huggle the children, it just does not feel "right". I wish it did.

Today has been a day that belongs with gratitude to the help and support you have all given me, and our dear Alexis knowledge of the DWP systems and its damn assessments. Well my dearest, gifted Alexis i got my decision this morning. I am to stay in the support group for the next 36 months, which is the maximum the law allows. So in a huge way, THAT was one hell of a result....and quick. Next stop....PIP.

I can continue working with dear Milan, and it should go some way with helping and supporting my PIP claim. We shall see. It is a huge relief to me, perhaps only Alexis really understanding the complexity's, and therefore how relieved i feel.

It has taken so very much out of me as also our dear Alexis explains it does to her too, yet to have a decision so very soon, the decision i wanted, i real fillip to me at the start of the week. (And i have dear Milan tomorrow morning!).

I do not want to waffle today......it is a simple letter.

Thank you all for your support over this last couple of months with my fear around my income. You gave me strength to fight, to share and communicate what i needed to, so i could get the right outcome for me.

Thank you so very much everyone.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all.
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Unread 04-10-2017, 08:25 AM   #5330
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Hi my Little Brother, phew! That's such great news!

Giant hugs and many skritches to Rolo,

Your Big Sis
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Unread 04-10-2017, 11:26 AM   #5331
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Great news on your health care Tryn. Have a great day.
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Unread 04-10-2017, 11:45 AM   #5332
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I am so happy and joyful for you. That sounds so good for you!
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Unread 04-12-2017, 01:32 PM   #5333
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Big hugs, Tryn!
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Unread 04-12-2017, 01:48 PM   #5334
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Brilliant Tryn, really really pleased for you. Great news. You have made my day (i only just saw your letter)

FIngers crossed mine comes through soon....

How are you today? Love you lots xxx
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Unread 04-12-2017, 02:28 PM   #5335
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Good evening everyone. Bright blessings to you all.

Thank you all so much for your positive love and thoughts.

Ummm...i'm not sure how i feel right now......can't quite believe was has happened in the last couple of hours.

Let's try.

Tryn is up to his eyeballs in debt, and what would tide me over nicely would be if a "couple of hundred quid", (£200) dropped out of the sky!....Oohhhh i can dream.

As you know i live in a city next to a very busy "freeway". At the bottom is a huge junction peppered with small shops for passing trade and 2 "ATM" machines you can withdraw cash. So fearsome is the dual carriageway, one takes ones life in their hands trying to cross it.

Accidents happen. Like dropping your wallet.

So me and the ole fella....(i've been here over 4 years and can "read the traffic flow" so as others "leap for their lives" Rolo and myself trot gently across with the waves.

We walk down a central reservation....very narrow so he walks infront of me. He stops....stoops....and there....lays a wallet. I snatch it up from the street kid in me, do not open or look at it, deposit it in my back pocket and head for home. Another 30 minutes away. All the time my excitement growing to find out what my "bounty will be".

I get home, Rolo's treat done, and find out "what i do got".....

OMG!!!!

£200. 10 x 20 in notes.

My prayers have been answered.

I ransack the wallet for more........and i find a driving licence.

His name was ***** ********, he was 48, a bricklayer, (his business cards), i saw his face on his licence, his address.. his wallet not a rich mans wallet, and had obviously just withdrawn the money and dropped his wallet.

I tried to separate the money from the wallet. I haven't seen £200 for a very long time. Ohhhh what that could do for me.

Well that's it then......tough luck "whoever you are"....more fool you!.

.........he only lives round the corner........it ain't my money as much as i want it to be.

I rang the mobile number on his business card. He answered and had NO IDEA, he had lost his wallet. He lives only 5 mins from me. With a "twitchy hand" i went round and gave him his wallet with a stern warning.

I do not think i have ever seen a fellow fall apart with gratitude quite so much to be fair. His wife was crying, it was surreal.

So how do i feel about it now?, (it is only an hour over)....i need £200. I also need what i just got far....far more than i need £200. What lovely people.

They insisted i took a "gift of money" out of the £200. However when i told them my insistence that i didn't, would far far outweigh theirs hands down, that they now knew i lived nearby, have invited me round for supper when i can.

My thinking was, "give it all back, or nothing".

Today i have been touched by angels. Something quite extraordinary happened, and "all i am" was challenged.

I could have paid my gas and electric for now......or have a new source of friendship and growth.

This is not a "higher than thou" letter.....**** me....i can not count...the many times i counted....that money. My brain was "abuzz" with "what it was going to do with it". Come on!....it fell out of the sky!

No it didn't. It fell of some poor fellows pocket.

Alas my beautys......doesn't matter how you dress it up, it wasn't mine.

Tonight i wonder when i shall pop over for theirs for supper, and i love to cook, if that goes well, inviting them round to mine for my hospitality.

I found a wallet, found it's owner, and maybe found a friend.

Isn't life quite wonderful?

Anyhew, 2 tired boys, 1 with a tail, bid you all a relaxing and gentle evening. I shall be dreaming about money falling from trees.

Darn this "morality lark".......certainly don't make you rich!

Makes you friends though.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all.
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Unread 04-12-2017, 02:40 PM   #5336
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Oh, dear Tryn. Thank you for returning it.

I once had my purse stolen from my car as I was carting my bass into my apartment. A couple of weeks later I received a phone call saying that this fellow had found my driver's license and checkbook on his lawn, miles away. He agreed to meet and give them back to me, and I told him karma would be good to him.

Months passed, and I was standing outside of my office building waiting for my husband to pick me up after work, and this same fellow saw me and stopped, and said he remembered what I said, and that after he returned my stuff, he found a great new job, and a wonderful girlfriend, and that he was so glad I'd sent him good energy.

Coincidence? Maybe. But good deeds can do wonders, and I bet your lost-wallet fellow will never think twice about what to do if he ever finds one. I hope a couple hundred quid really does fall out of the sky for you.

More hugs.
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Unread 04-12-2017, 02:42 PM   #5337
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Tryn, you did the right thing, i remember not so long ago, i was in the queue at the shops and an elderly lady dropped £20. Wow i thought, picked it up, pocketed it....£20 doesnt seem like a lot but my god, i needed it.

Anyway, right away i started to wonder if this lady was poor like me...i ran after her and handed it back. She cried. She must be poor too.

You are a good man Tryn. I love you. And Rolo xxx
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Unread 04-13-2017, 08:09 AM   #5338
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Great job Tryn. If you had been drunk I doubt you would have returned the wallet. Have a great day.
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Unread 04-13-2017, 10:36 AM   #5339
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How are you today Tryn? Crappy weather here, hope its better in Bristol! xx
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Unread 04-13-2017, 02:15 PM   #5340
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Hey Andy!

I wish I could hug you right now, a giant bear hug it would be. I cannot tell you how powerful your deed was and how potent the impact on me as I read of your experience.

Good God, I wish I could see you, meet you, give you that hug. We might have to wrestle over the dough I stuffed into your pocket. Not a fortune, not even a lot---but some money, just to see you through this tough passage.

I'm quite sure you'd pin me, but that's not the point, is it? Ha!

You did such the right, good and decent thing, Tryn'! You did indeed.

Hugs to you, Andy---from Sherman Oaks to your beautiful home somewhere in glorious Blighty.

Love!

sam
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Unread 04-14-2017, 07:38 AM   #5341
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Good...ummm where are we?, 12.05pm in my dear ole Blighty....good afternoon everyone. Bright blessings to you all.

My dearest Millie, my dearest, gifted Alexis, my dear, dear R Lee and my gorgeous Sam, how ****ing smug do you think i feel eh what?

I am SOOOOOOOO GLAD i didn't take that money. So very glad. My dear R Lee is so right.

I think the journey into sobriety and the most important/difficult part is the sustaining of it. In order to do that i believe as an alcoholic, we must change the way "we are wired to think". Only time without alcohol can give us the chance to really be ourselves.

Re money my gorgeous Sam?.......whom among us is not struggling to pay the bills? Do you think the fellow that lost his wallet was struggling to pay his bills too?

It is vital for my love to be real to you for you to accept that each time you share and write to me, you stuff my pockets full of everything i will ever need.

It does not mean Tryn has not had a "narrative" going on in my head. There is a huge part of me that overwhelmingly says......

"Muppet?........you just looked a gift horse in the mouth"......the other side of me......

"Nope....i returned something that did not belong to me to its rightful owner"

"GGGGGGGGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRrrrrrrrrrrrrr"...... ..

2 days on....i feel fantastic. Up to my eyeballs in debt, yet have had the sweetest of txt's from these new people. I think after it "sunk in", they were almost more wanting to say thank you. They have tried to communicate what it means to them, and as English is not their first language, makes their txts all the more sweet.

The whole episode for me has been an experience of luck. I am here today to write to you because i, as i all keep telling you, am the luckiest man alive.

The reason luck works, is if it is shared.

The luck i have had on my journey, "came from nowhere" and would always include the kindness of a stranger.

I did not want to steal this bricklayers luck.....i wanted to provide it for him.

Anyhew, i most certainly made someones day. There is not a better feeling on earth.

My Schmoo has passed her 3rd exam, which means her pay goes up and was so excited to tell me, the dear love was trotting on the spot so she was! I can not express my pride for her.

I have had the privilege and honour to bring up 4 girls and i have been on my own for a very, very, very long time. All their lives. As they grew, bless'em they have always tried to "set me up" with someone.

Now Lou txt me yesterday to say that the pharmacist at the chemist, a 52 year old lady had seen my pic, (Lou has shown her more like) and thought i "looked lovely". Schmoo helped my cause no end by saying,...."yeah he's lovely and lonely!" dearie, dearie me.......it just so happens that "Maria", (she is Spanish), is a tad lonely too.

Now this txt messaging was protracted and ended up with Lou saying she will be bringing round Maria "sometime over the Easter weekend" to meet me. (If anything needs re-erecting eh?....Did i say that out loud?)

I would love to meet someone special. Someone who wanted to get everything they could out of their journey.

I truly believe there is the right person for us all. None of us are unlovable, and all of us know, extremely well, how to love.

So Rolo is going to be in a suit and tie to answer da door, while i hide behind it.

Funny ole world.

Have a wonderful day.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all.
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Unread 04-14-2017, 08:34 AM   #5342
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Hi my dear Little Brother, ooooooooh lala! A set up! Can't wait to hear how that goes. She better be good enough for my Little Brother.

Maybe contacting the wallet's owner will have the same impact as with the man who found Millie's license and checkbook. "Months passed, and I was standing outside of my office building waiting for my husband to pick me up after work, and this same fellow saw me and stopped, and said he remembered what I said, and that after he returned my stuff, he found a great new job, and a wonderful girlfriend, and that he was so glad I'd sent him good energy."

Hugs to you and skritches to Rolo as always.

Your Big Sis
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Unread 04-14-2017, 08:34 AM   #5343
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oooh Tryn im all excited and giddy for you Let us know how it goes!!! You deserve this. I hope it goes well.

Love you lots as always xx
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Unread 04-14-2017, 11:25 AM   #5344
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I think the journey into sobriety and the most important/difficult part is the sustaining of it. In order to do that i believe as an alcoholic, we must change the way "we are wired to think". Only time without alcohol can give us the chance to really be ourselves.!

I couldn't agree more! Such an important message. Thank you.

Not taking £200 is more admirable than you realise, Tryn. You are a good GOOD man.

Lots of love and hugs
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Unread 04-14-2017, 11:31 AM   #5345
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You made a friend and that far outweighs cash; you'll get some money soon. I just know it!
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Unread 04-14-2017, 05:42 PM   #5346
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Wow, Tryn, how fun! I love the idea of you having a special friend.
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Unread 04-15-2017, 05:06 AM   #5347
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Good morning everyone. Bright blessings to you all.

Awwwweee.....how lovely of you all.

My dearest Big Sis Nancy, My dearest, gifted Alexis, my dearest Italiano Soapdish, sweet, dearest Lost Dog and magical Millie, thank you so much for your thoughts, your love and your wishes.

Love, relationships, a special friend is almost entirely down to luck. Attraction can come in a shopping mall, or an arranged meeting. Neither 1 nor the other is more or less likely. Of all the things life is, "what will be will be" belongs almost exclusively to love and friendship.

Intimacy does not just belong between the sheets, it resides in the heart and the chemistry between people. To share time, and tide....and in love and romance it does seem to wait for all men. Such is the energy of being close.

Tryn is properly knackered. It is 9.30am in my dear ole Blighty. It is extremely overcast....a proper chill in the air and this morning so far i have delivered 200 leaflets. I started at 6.30am. I have another 500 of my allocation to do which i shall gently do over the next couple of days....., perhaps.

It is a consultation leaflet. As we are a new and growing community by the day, (another 7,000 homes in the next 2 years) so together with my housing provider and the council we have put together a leaflet asking folk about themselves, and what would empower them. (Things like access to public transport/training opportunity skills/physical/emotional health/confidence....ohh loads of questions.) We will then collate all the answers and try to find any common threads and any "needs" that leap out at us. My "re a PEER" support group is also included so i have a vested interest in getting these bloody things out! I have chosen the Easter weekend to do it as the new folk in the community will more than likely be out in the gardens sorting out their new homes and whatnot so it gives me a good chance of "catching folk in" so i can have a natter and get to know a few of them. We shall see.

Rolo is really slowing down now bless him. He is happy at home and is more and more reluctant to go out. We take it very slowly, there is nothing wrong with him, he just an ole fella. I do love him so. I do absolutely all i can to make everyone of his days a happy one.

I actually heard from his previous owners fairly recently enquiring about him and they expressed that they did not like the fact i had changed his name. His name was Leon......of course i changed it to Rolo. I haven't responded to them simply because they will not want to hear what i think about.....what they think. They were prepared to put him down, yet are cross i changed his name?....How the **** does that work when it's at home then?

Anyhew, he is fast asleep on my side of the bed as i write.

The rest of the morning a bit of recovery from this early morning exploits, then i think i will go out again and do a load more. I do not know if it is an addict's trait, yet when something needs to be done, i just have to do it until it is! Again, we shall see.

There is much going on for you all in your lives. It is lazy writing to say "at the mo" simply because life never stops, never waits, never shows mercy. All those things WE do on our way. I hope this Easter break you all take just a little time to check in on yourselves. To recognise the goodness in all of you as we all recognise it in each other. See it for yourselves in peace and harmony with you. Care for and love those that are near and dear to you and remember "being on top or struggling" is all in the mind.

Whatever you are doing, do it with all you have got.... and have a wonderful, wonderful day.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all.
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Unread 04-15-2017, 10:08 AM   #5348
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Hey Andy!

For what it's worth. Those previous "owners" of Rolos? Fud 'em! Seriously, they have NO business asking for an explanation for what you did with your dog. Your family member. Not theirs now. Never theirs again.

I've always abhorred the idea of calling we humans the dog's "owners." I know, I might be taking that a little too far.

Yet to so many people, their dogs are more property than family. Slaves to their position as Master. Bullshyte!

When Ruby came to live with us, one of the first things we did was change her name. To their credit, her previous humans, foster humans, had no problem with it.

Don't even reply back to them, IMO---less said the better. I confess, maybe I'm again taking their "insult" too far. Maybe. Maybe not.

In any case, what does it matter? Rolo it is now and will be tomorrow. And every day thereafter.

Rolo lives. Rolo lives with Andy. Rolo and Andy are family. The prevision caretakers? Merely that, with nothing to say about it today.

Just sayin'.....

sam
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Unread 04-15-2017, 11:49 AM   #5349
lostdog
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You can change his name you help him daily, they just want some control. I wasn't sure of how you originally got Rolo? and wanted to put him down, just a few days is better with a good life then none, I'm so glad Rolo has you.
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Unread 04-15-2017, 01:14 PM   #5350
R. Lee
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Tryn, You sound busy. Give the previous owners of Rolo no space in your head. You sound very good in your new sober life. Have a great day.
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