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Unread 04-23-2013, 10:58 PM   #451
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Frank,
Thank you for coming back and sharing with others!!! It means so much to those strugglingand as Lee says it helps me stay sober. For the longest time I never understood what he meant, lol. Today it reminds me that nomatter how long sober I am one drink away from the insanity of alcohol abuse. One drink away from falling into a black hole and not returning.
Frank I understand how you feel about just putting one foot in front of the other. It does get easier and don't forget how far you have come. For me it became a lot easier when I accepted I have a disease called alcoholism. Once I wrapped my head around that everything became so much easier. I don't need drinks to have fun, enjoy life. I have found I enjoy life so much more sober!!!!! And I have bad days. I choose not to drink but instead deal with whatever is going on sober.

Yes we have all grown in sobriety. As Carly would say,"progress, not perfection".

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Unread 04-24-2013, 10:52 AM   #452
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Tryn,

I am no longer afraid of dying.

I was afraid of dying as an active alcoholic.

As you go through your day sober, stay in the moment if you need to. Think through that first drink.

Wishing you the best Tryn,

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Unread 04-24-2013, 10:57 AM   #453
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Hi Tryn!

It is so good to hear from you. I totally understand the "race" that you refer to. I would do everything that I was supposed to do each day, yet I was living as just a shell.

I believe in you. We all believe in you. Trust me, I did not "get" sobriety the first time. Or for awhile. I liked what Michael said. I got back up and kept going. You are SO worth it, Tryn! Take care, Jenm
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Unread 04-24-2013, 03:14 PM   #454
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Tryn, as Active Alcoholics we live for Alcohol. In order to be Sober and Happy people, we must find other things to live for that keep us Sober and make us Happy. We cannot take out the one thing that we lived for for so long, and expect it to stay out of our lives. We must replace it with many positive things so that when it attempts to return to our lives, there is simply no room for it. Blessings!

Michael
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Unread 04-25-2013, 04:44 PM   #455
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Tryn,
How have you been??? Let us know how you're day went when you have a moment. Sending good thoughts across the pond.

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Unread 04-26-2013, 03:34 PM   #456
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Hello everyone, and thank you for your kind thoughts.

My words would be empty tonight as i am still struggling. This fellow that can move mountains can't put a xxxxxxxxx drink down. Most days i am now on my own in my new flat, gorgeous it is, i just don't get it. I just don't.

Tomorrow is another day. Goodness me.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all.
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Unread 04-26-2013, 03:50 PM   #457
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There is one last mountain to move. Keep chipping away, keep working it. You know what you need to do.

Have a safe weekend,
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Unread 04-26-2013, 05:58 PM   #458
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Facing your giants is hard. Living with them bullying you around for the rest of your life is miserable. Blessings.

Michael
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Unread 04-26-2013, 07:32 PM   #459
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Tryn!

We are on your side. You want this. Keep it simple. Just keep it simple - one minute at a time. Thinking of you. Take care, Jenm
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Unread 04-26-2013, 11:04 PM   #460
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Tyrn, Think through that next drink.
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Unread 04-27-2013, 09:00 AM   #461
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Hello everyone and thank you for your words of encouragement.

I just wanted to pop in and say that i HAVE thought through that first drink today and i have not taken one. It is half way through the day, i have not had a drink, i am just staying in the moment. I have a couple of my daughters with my grandkids coming this afternoon, i simply can not wait. The love i have for them is the purest thing i have experienced in my life. Knowing they are coming fills me with a "christmas feeling", i am so excited. I feel good that this afternoon i will be without alcohol. I know this is a tiny, tiny step, but so far today i am dry. I truly hope that i can keep to this. It feels good to be dry. It makes me feel as if i am stronger than i give myself credit for. I can do this. Hour by hour, day by day, i can do this.

I really did think through that first drink today. My responses were different, my heart true to me, and i have followed that. I asked myself the "point" of the first drink, there wasn't one. I am dry.

Thank you R Lee. Physically i have enourmous ears!, one would have thought i would hear every last word, but eventually when i thought of you, Saint, Jemn, Michael, Frankie, Nan et al, it really wasn't difficult to think through that first drink this morning, i just needed to WANT to think through it. Today i have.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Lovenes to all
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Unread 04-27-2013, 11:28 AM   #462
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Hello tryn, Yippee!! Enjoy the day with your kids and grandkids. It is so true, spending time with the little ones sure can bring lots of joy! Merry Christmas!

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Unread 04-27-2013, 03:29 PM   #463
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Tryn,

So glad you are thinking through that first drink..... glad you want to think through that first drink. We all believe in you Tryb, continue to believe in yourself. You are worth it. Reach out if you find yourself struggling. We're here for you.

Enjoy your grandkids!

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Unread 04-27-2013, 04:21 PM   #464
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Hello everyone.

Well the kids have come and gone, i do love them so. Being my first day back on the wagon it has been a "shaky" day. A few trips to the bathroom while the kids were busy. I just keep getting "waves" of nausea, it's horrible, but it won't last long. I have made it through the day and will grab a shower then have an early night. I am not thinking of what lies ahead, or what has gone before me, just now, this moment, 1 moment to the next for now. I have no "plan" other than to stay dry.

Thank you everyone.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all
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Unread 04-27-2013, 04:29 PM   #465
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That's a beautiful plan Tryn! You got this!
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Unread 04-27-2013, 08:42 PM   #466
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Tryn,
That's what it takes, a moment at a time if needed. Glad you enjoyed your day.... other than the nausea you experienced. I hope you have a restful sleep. Try not to isolate yourself in the days ahead.

Always wishing the best for you,
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Unread 04-27-2013, 09:03 PM   #467
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Hello again, and thank you Saint and Michael.

Well, it's the middle of the night, i hasten to dd that i am still dry but in that kind of surreal place, where i feel gripped by a fear, yet i do not know what the fear is. My brain now free of alcohol is a cacophony of noise and memories. Fleeting regrets poignant, and the more i try to push them out of my mind, the more restless i become. So i have decided to write a few words, to stay focussed, to accept that this is not easy, but difficulties will come and go and at times like this is to remain calm and allow these horrible feelings to wash over me.

Saint i hear you when you suggest that i don't isolate myself over these coming days, i have no doubt now, in hindsight, that in the past i have got to here but have not taken on board that i also need "outside" support and help with this. It has humbled me of late to accpet that i can not do this on my own.

Crikey i feel wobbly now. I shall go and try again for some sleep. I would like to drop you all a line in the morning to help me focus on the upcoming day. I can do this, i really can do this.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all.
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Unread 04-27-2013, 09:31 PM   #468
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Tryn,

We all know exactly how you feel. It is OK to not have to do it alone. Actually I think it is the best thing for us to learn to lean on people as much as we need to when we're struggling. It's hard for us to do, for me to do, but it is OK. Engage with others Tryn, it will help you heal!

Take care,
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Unread 04-27-2013, 11:45 PM   #469
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Hey Tryn. I know the emotions that you are feeling right now are raw, and it sucks. I am still in early recovery myself, so know that there is somebody that is feeling them right alongside you. This week, try to find something that you love to do and begin to make a habit of doing it everyday. I promise it will help.

BTW, I had the same issue with not being able to sleep well after I quit drinking. I have found that a cup of Chamomile Tea (I use 2 teabags) with honey right before bed helps me fall asleep, and greatly increases the quality of my sleep.

Have a great day tomorrow my friend. Blessings!

Michael

Last edited by michaelc232; 04-27-2013 at 11:51 PM..
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Unread 04-28-2013, 07:23 AM   #470
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Hello everyone, and thank you Michael, i shall try that. It has also been suggested that perhaps i put some lavender on my pillow, again something i shall try.

It is morning time now. Over my time i have been unfortunate enough to have had several operations. Any of you out there that have been anaethetised may recall that feeling when you "come round". It is very much that feeling i awake with today. It feels as if i have been "out cold" for such a long time, being dry is almost like learning to walk again. It is so very odd and i know you all have experienced or are experiencing the same thing. Just like coming round after an op, it takes a while to find your feet and start feeling more like yourself again. It is this i need to be patient with. I feel no presuure and i am purposely trying not to put pressure on myself. I am mindful that i am in quite a delicate state but i equally know each day that goes by i will become stronger and have a stronger constitution to overcome this.

I know now it is vital to balance out finding quality things to do and seeking out some meetings to support me moving forward and staying focussed.

Today is another day, and today i will take each hour as it comes. I got through yesterday which tells me that i can get through today.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all.
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Unread 04-28-2013, 12:18 PM   #471
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Tryn,

You can do this!

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Unread 04-28-2013, 03:06 PM   #472
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Tryn, Your on the road to recovery. Keep it simple. You can do it. Think through that next drink because if you drink you will be back where you were.
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Unread 04-28-2013, 04:29 PM   #473
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Hi Tryn!

Just take small steps. I remember feeling exactly like you are now. Also knowing that the further I was away from that last drink, the better I would feel physically. It is hard to do much when our bodies aren't feeling well. I have been reminded of this recently as I am literally unable to get over sinus infection, ear infection, and upper respiratory infection. I am thankful that this too will pass, and I will be better again.

I am very proud of you for staying sober for a day. That's a long time for those of us (well, me) who could not put together 24 hours sober for such a long time. I have been released from that self-induced prison, Tryn, and you have been too. Please hang on to us, to outside help, put sobriety first and foremost. Do whatever it takes today to not take a drink. Just today. We can deal with tomorrow later - how about tomorrow? Take care, Jenm
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Unread 04-28-2013, 04:48 PM   #474
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Hello everyone, thank you Saint and thank you R Lee.

Simple has turned into my "watchword" at the moment. I am still dry, just had a lovely shower, i have eaten and i am again having an early night. I know i said last night i could not sleep, but i shall keep to my little routines, and keep perservering. I am a great one for "explaining" why 2=2, i have a desperate "need" to find a reason "why" for everything. I am not interested in "anything" at the moment quite frankly, and just doing my hour by hour. I have got through 2 days now, and i do actually feel so much better tonight. I have found a meeting to go to tomorrow at lunchtime. I am looking forward to it.

Usually i now launch into some sort of flowery explanation of "where i am at", you all know. There is no need. I feel humble right now, lucky, grateful and will do my best to use this opportunity i have decided upon.

That being the case i would like to share something that i have ommitted whilst being that far up my own backside. Michael who is starting out on his journey and knowing you are all on yours, i do feel for you all, i do care. I know my struggles are the same as yours and for whatever it is worth from someone in my position and my "newness" with being dry, i wish you all the love and well being i possibly can. Thank you for supporting me, when you yourselfs are doing what it takes. Maybe in time i will be able to share goodness, life and future, i will be able to give to others what i am getting now. I am so very grateful.

Be peaceful, be healthy, and be strong. Loveness to all.
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Unread 04-28-2013, 05:18 PM   #475
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Tryn, your outlooks on life are already shifting over into the positive! That is a great sign! I am only a little over a month sober, and helping others beat this thing has become vital to my own sobriety. Sharing the emotions that you are going through right now, and the hard work you are having to put in to stay sober is very helpful. It especially helps those who have been sober for a long time remember why they stay sober. Keep posting. Your gonna beat this thing! Blessings!

Michael
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Unread 04-28-2013, 06:56 PM   #476
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Tryn,

I am glad to hear you are eating and trying to sleep. Get as much rest as possible early on. You're body will be adapting to life without alcohol. I also had trouble sleeping early on. I also felt tired all the time. So much so I would usually try and take a short afternoon nap. As much as you may not feel like physically moving around you may find it helpful to go outside and walk for a bit. I know there are times I don't feel like running but after a mile or two I settle in and feel so much better after the run than before.

Try and break up your routine.... find some other activity to do during the times when you would be drinking. When I would come home from work the first thing I did was pull out a couple of beers from the 12 pack that always lay at the door. When I first stopped drinking I would grab a diet coke from the same spot where the beer would lay. I drank a lot of diet coke during that first year sober. The can felt the same in the hand, and the 'pop' of the top was also similar. It certainly helped me because I would have always had a beer in hand or nearby.

Hope you sleep well. Continue to stay in the moment and take care of yourself.

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Unread 04-29-2013, 06:45 AM   #477
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Good morning everyone.

Jenm i missed your post earlier, and did not thank you, thank you jenm.

Another restless night, but i am ok, truly. This is my third day now. For some reason today i feel a bit stronger. I am going to a meeting tonight and then going on to stay with a friend afterwards as it would be difficult to get back to here. I thought itbest to "get straight onto" sorting a meeting out as last time i dragged my feet and in no time at all i was back to my old ways. So it is really important to me this time.

Do you know what? Even the sun is shining!!!

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all.
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Unread 04-29-2013, 10:49 AM   #478
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You're making good choices Tryn. Glad your feeling better!

Keep us posted,
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Unread 04-29-2013, 11:56 PM   #479
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Tryn, Way to go. Keep it simple. Think through that 1st drink & take it one moment at a time. So glad you are not trying to do this alone.
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Unread 04-30-2013, 10:50 AM   #480
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Hi Tryn!

I am so happy to hear that you are keeping it simple. I feel like it took me forever to learn to "stay in today". I was like a hamster running on his wheel.
Today I feel so grateful. Grateful for you, my sons, everything. I am praying for you and I believe that prayer is powerful. Take care, Jenm
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Unread 05-01-2013, 06:00 AM   #481
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Tryn,
Hope you are well. We have all been where you stand today. . Think through that first drink.

Saint
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Unread 05-03-2013, 03:50 PM   #482
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Hello everyone.

R Lee my thoughts with you.

Thank you Saint and jenm. I have popped in because i do not want you to worry. I am struggling, but i am ok.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all.
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Unread 05-03-2013, 05:34 PM   #483
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Tryn,

Thanks for the update. Please don't struggle alone or do this by yourself. We have been where you are and understand what you are going through. Now is the time to be with those that can support you in your time of need. Please let us / them do so. Isolation, doing things by ourselves is what we do. We need to break the chain, reach out, lean on others... some things just can't be done by ourselves. AND THAT IS OK. Vent, post here. Sometimes just putting the words down on paper / posting can help.

You had mentioned seeking out meetings? Have you taken the opportunity to attend some since you posted last?

Wishing you the best Tryn.

Stay safe,
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Unread 05-03-2013, 08:31 PM   #484
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Tryn,

Thanks for checking in. Please do not disappear. Here is what we alcoholics do best. We drink. Also, we lie. We isolate. We blame our childhoods. We blame our circumstances. We overthink. We are better than. We are smarter than. We are "this" or we are "that". But the bottom line is, we drink because that is the only thing that we know how to do to erase and hide and we do it well.

After getting three college degrees, finally getting my Master's degree, I thought I had "it". I got a 4.0 in my Masters program, while being pregnant with and having my first two sons. I thought I had it all! None of that matters, Tryn, none of it. I have had my rounds with addiction since that time, and I can only thank my higher power that I am still alive to raise my three boys. My 3rd child was born as a result of my addiction(s), his father has never chosen to see him, I have raised him alone, and I am absolutely positive that I made the right choice.

You have shared a lot of your story, most here don't even know the beginning or even half of mine. Believe me when I tell you that it is possible to get sober, no matter what you have been through. No matter what. Think about that. I have currently, and have had, family members die of this disease because you know what? They knew it. They had educated themselves. They were smarter than this disease.

Tryn, this is from my heart. Please get real. Take care, Jenm
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Unread 05-03-2013, 11:33 PM   #485
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Tryn, Thank you.

So much honesty being put out from everyone including you.

Don't stop trying.
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Unread 05-04-2013, 05:32 PM   #486
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Tryn, remember, Life is Beautiful just the way it is, you just can't see it all yet. The blindfold of Alcoholism is slowly removed as we work our way into sobriety. Find one thing about yourself that is better because you stopped drinking. Focus on, and celebrate that thing. Enjoy the fact that you are getting better, even if it is a slow process. Blessings my friend.

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Unread 05-06-2013, 10:50 AM   #487
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Tryn,

Thinking of you and hoping the day finds you well.

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Unread 05-07-2013, 08:17 AM   #488
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Tryn, I'm thinking of you today. Give us an update soon. Blessings.

Michael
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Unread 05-07-2013, 10:24 AM   #489
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Thinking of you Tryn! I hope that you are doing well. Jenm
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Unread 05-12-2013, 06:00 PM   #490
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Tryn,

Thinking of you and hoping the best for you! Miss your posts.

Stay safe,
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Unread 05-13-2013, 09:23 PM   #491
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Hello everyone. Everyone thank you for your encouragement and honesty. I miss you all, and the place that we all belong.

It's a place i continue to struggle for, R Lee will tell me im not ready, Nan will boot me up the backside till tomorrow, Jenm will be straight to the point, Michael i feel guilty talking too, (i do not want my weakness to impinge on your newness), by the way, what you are acheiving is amazing, and Saint, words don't cover what i try to learn from you, Goodness knows what Frankie will say, what does Tryn say?

My eloquence and explanation, no use. Drink = die, don't = won't.

It has all been said, you know where i am at. I could rant? But i spent years doing that. Just shame. I could provide you all with a breath taking rendition of a human being, but it wouldn't last very long. One trick pony.

You know the worst thing? You know in sports when a team is trying to "stay up". They get to the stage when "others results" will determine their outcome? If you are going with me on this, then you'll know what i mean when i say, it's still in my hands.

Can someone take one of those hands and clip me round the ear? (Nan prohibited)

Somehow i have created a wonderful oasis. My new place cost a fortune to sort out, but it is just how i would wish it to be. I have forgiven myself about the drunken accident. Although nobody was hurt, i still feel it was breathtakingly selfish, fool hardy, not cutting any mustard. I could not have "rebuilt" any better.

BUT

I can barely write. I am in my "beautiful rebuilt" place, beautifully frightened. My attitude is positive, but it is constantly fighting against odds i readily supply. The only friend i dont have is me. I am so very lucky. There are only so many shaking heads that you care about, before you have to deal with stuff on your own, I know folk advocate opening up, but when you have, and you accept others have their own issues, as needy as one feels, you have to back off. You have to be with it and deal with it yourself.

Hand on heart, all of you, on a good journey now, you got to do it yourself? I know that, and i know the love of your friends can help you on your way, but you all know there is a point you have to do it for yourself? It is why i am intermittent of late, all of you are on your journeys, i have been around for yonks, and really do struggle. As much as i respect the concept of recovering alcoholics supporting users, i feel there is a point where the user has to do it for themselves.

Juggling sanity with insanity is insane.

It feels like a pressure cooker. It feels like holistic eruptions, never being able "to put your finger" on an issue.

Some of you may know the poem, "The Man in the Glass", those that do, i can squarly look at everyone in the eye. But i still can not even brush my "whats left of hair" in the mirror. I have covered every base, with backup. It won't last. I can not stop drinking.

I don't want to keep coming here to say it again and again. The effort you have all put in to helping me find solutions and pathways, i feel embarrassed and disrespectful not to have found one. It is so shameful, i have a problem with that.

New day tomorrow, thank you everyone, so much.

Be Peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all.
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Unread 05-13-2013, 11:35 PM   #492
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Tryn I quote you "i feel there is a point that the user has to do it for themselves" You are so right.
R. Lee will not tell you you are not ready.
Think through that next drink. Maybe you do have have more drinking to do. I don't know.
Keep comming back & let us know how you are doing. We are all alcoholics here. We have that in common. We care for you but we can not carry you to the gates of sobriety. You by your own words know you have to do it. We can only support you. Which we do.
Take care my friend.
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Unread 05-14-2013, 12:43 AM   #493
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Tryn, I am not going to clip you round the ears-no, I am putting my arms around you and sending you the strength and the clarity to do what you know you really can do. Please shed the shame and just continue to be honest with yourself and us, as you have been. It surely is very hard work, but it will be so worth it. You have value to yourself and others-allow yourself the peace of finding the right answers for you. You are right, you alone have the power to change-we can just be the support and encouragement, and that we shall continue to be. I am so sorry that you are feeling so sad, it doesn't need to stay that way. Happy to hear from you!

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Unread 05-14-2013, 12:31 PM   #494
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Tryn,

How I've missed you....

"The man in the glass", an iconic poem for people such as ourselves. In a nutshell it resonates with the alcoholic does it not? How many years could I not look at myself in the mirror for I knew I was living a lie. Yes I too felt the embarrassment, the shame because I could not look myself in the eye. To do so was to acknowledge what I tried to hide. It meant I was less than all I purported to be. How can one have any sense of self worth and live a double life.... I couldn't. The disease destroys us slowly from the inside out. It takes the thing we hold most dear.... our identity. We slowly become a shell of our former self. We know what we want to be, alive.....on the inside...... but we can't seem to ever find our way. I know of the despair of which you speak for I am you my friend. I feel your pain.

I feel you giving up Tryn. I would ask you not to but I have no control over your desire to stop. You must want to do it for yourself. Do you ever stop to listen to what we say to ourselves in our minds? Are your words to yourself positive or negative? Do you tell yourself you are less than? Are you yet sick and tired of being sick and tired?

If so resolve to move forward, to give it your best. TO NOT GIVE UP! The sun is always shining regardless off the storms within. It is not about casting off the disease, for me it is about accepting the disease, making peace with it. My disease is me, a part of me, not all of me any longer, but will always be with me 'till the day I die. And I'm OK with that. Today I have made peace with my disease.

Today I am now able to look at myself in the mirror, and I like what I see.

Don't give up Tryn.

We love you.

I wish you the peace of spirit you so truly deserve,
Saint
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Unread 05-14-2013, 05:50 PM   #495
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Hi Tryn, glad to see you posting, and as you know it took me a few years of hearing the advice, letting it trickle in a drop at a time for it to even begin to stick. You're here and posting, and that says something.

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Unread 05-20-2013, 12:17 PM   #496
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Tryn,

It's easy to get lost in our disease . We give up. The drinking increases, sometimes slowly, sometimes very quickly in a short period of time. I used to say "**ck it, what does it matter anyways" to myself. I used to say it all the time. And so I drank.... for years, and years, and years. Sounds familiar right? But it does matter. It matters if we want peace, serenity, love in our lives. Don't give up, don't give up on yourself.

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.

Stay safe my friend,
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Unread 05-24-2013, 03:14 PM   #497
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Hello everyone. I am so sorry for not posting for a while. I know all of you that have given me so much support over this time for me would have been concerned. I can only explain it by saying that it pulled me under the water again. Luckily i held my breath long enough and now i have surfaced and i am gasping for air, for life. Got to stay alive. Got to stay alive. I am trying again. I do not know where it comes from, but somehow i have found my luck again and survived this latest nightmare. No harm done to any others, just me. No trouble, just the experience of what it is like to die slowly, alone. My "new place" gorgeous of course, got all i need. I do not want it to turn into my coffin. I have jumped out, before the last nail went in.

Barely able to function i am now at a friends. The fact i know i can barely function is infact a step forward. Gawd.

Aa daft as it seems, i pray that your recoveries are working for you all in a way that is managable. If any of you found recovery by falling over and hitting your head, tell me where you fell, i'll pay the airfare and fall in exactly the same place.

I have missed you all.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all.
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Unread 05-24-2013, 03:35 PM   #498
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Gosh i have realised a freudian mistake! not "Aa as daft as it seems", i meant "as daft as it seems", If i touch it right now, i will get it wrong. Apologies for any offence!

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all.
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Unread 05-24-2013, 05:36 PM   #499
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Tryn, Sorry you have not been able to think past that 1st drink or called someone for help before you drank.

I fell into the arms of a support group (recovering alcoholics) when I had had enough.

Good luck.
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Unread 05-24-2013, 06:13 PM   #500
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Tryn,

Keep fighting! Our disease will swallow us whole if we let it. Break the cycle, move outside yourself. There is a better way my friend. By taking a chance on others you are taking a chance on yourself. Break the chains that bind. Sometimes it is the security we love that holds us back from healing and growth.

Glad you surfaced, stay safe!

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