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Unread 11-16-2011, 11:38 AM   #1
brandonkiker
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Smile Almost 2 years after my relapse

It is so difficult to try and pick myself up and start over. I was sober for almost 2 years before and I had quite a circle of friends in my community. After I had relapsed and tried and tried and tried again to get back into it I couldn't. This morning is my third morning free of heroin and boy do I feel a new sense of hope. I beat myself down to almost nothing this time. I was living on the streets and had no one. I remembered the part in the book that talks about knowing loneliness as few do and being at the jumping off point. Heroin had become my master. Once again a crushing blow!!! I am meeting with my new sponsor for the first time and I am scared. The reason I write this is becaused I wonder if anyone who has suffered a relapse can say how they put the knowledge they had of the program aside to learn again. I did all sorts of studies and groups that really got into the big book and the 12 and 12. I was one of those guys who can quote pages and so on. How do I go back in without acting like I know the book so well. Is this pride? I don't know if I am being understood here, but good morning peers.
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Unread 11-16-2011, 01:37 PM   #2
littlescared
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I wanted to say I understand how you feel. I used to sponsor women, go bring meetings into jails & institutions and speak at meetings. My whole life was NA. I made a decision to move and slowly I stopped going to meetings and doing all the things needed to do to stay clean. I used. It is hard when on one level you do know but spiritually we must have been missing something because we used. Good luck to you. I am on suboxone and the meetings around me are not ok with that at all. You are not allowed to share in a meeting or are considered clean. I am hoping to go back someday because I miss all my friends.

Good luck today meeting with your sponsor. You are making a wonderful step towards your recovery. I know it is hard to go back but you can do it!!!
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Unread 11-22-2011, 12:59 AM   #3
sub hi
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LS, I take subs and I want let nobody tell me I'm not clean. That's bullshit, theirs only one person that can judge me and that's God. AA/NA members have absolutely no right to give us doctors advice. Who knows how many people in the program take drugs for multiple reasons. I seen people with broken bones take pills by the script and their still clean. I just talked to my higher power and he gives me the answer if I clean or not, certainly nobody in the program will start giving me doctors advice!!! Just my opinion.
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Unread 11-22-2011, 09:07 AM   #4
deedle
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you have so much knowledge already....just look at it as a tool....use your relapse as a lesson not a shameful event. always be humble but not ashamed of your as/NA knowledge ...you have A LOT to offer many people ...don't forget that kid.
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Unread 11-25-2011, 11:30 AM   #5
brandonkiker
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Thanks. Here's my update..... I'm doing well. 11 days sober today. Im pretty sure I'm no longer the talk of the town so to speak. I'm doing fair. Taking three 8 mlg subs a day still. Thanks for the support family.
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Unread 11-26-2011, 09:14 AM   #6
littlescared
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I am glad to hear you are doing well. I am sure you are correct and not the talk of the town, it is probably somebody elses turn. This has been a great support for me so hopefully you will stick around this site and get support too.
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Unread 11-26-2011, 10:06 AM   #7
deedle
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that's great to hear...you help us too you know. waking up to read posts like that make us all inspired.
so thanks kid...keep it up.
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Unread 12-04-2011, 08:36 PM   #8
alanw
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Yea good stuff, boy aint no joke. And if you cant beat that you can and will do anything that you want. Prove everybody wrong and be the person that youve always set out to be and dont let anyone stop you!! Congratulations and keep moving forward!!!

Goodluck

Alan w
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Unread 12-21-2011, 02:17 AM   #9
FuzzyBunny
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Greetings! I haven't been online for a while but I read your post and it was my story---and more than once! I've been within a month of 5 years twice and gone back out, and both times it took me a long time to get back. Right now with the help of suboxone and---in my case, absolutely essential---anti-depressants, along with a pretty rigorous program, I have over 2 1/2 years again. I won't let anybody tell me that I'm not clean, but in the small town I live in everybody knows everybody's business, and they have quite a few MedFeds, as I call them, in NA. I decided to stick with AA this time, even though I haven't drank for years. I was an alcoholic first, though, so nobody gives me a hard time, and nobody cares whether I take medication or not. Only a few people I'm close to know I take Sub, but most people don't know anything about it and consider medication an outside issue. I am quite open if asked about taking anti-depressants, which has also been an issue some places I've lived.

You don't ever forget everything you've learned just because you go out. I still remember and use everything I learned the first times I was in recovery. Also, some of the work I did the first times I worked the steps stayed with me. I'd been a very angry person before I got clean the first time, bitter, hated the world, and had been a career criminal. When I worked a 4th Step on my hatred---resentment is too tame a word for how I felt and lived---it actually performed something like a magical healing and complete transformation of my character. And even though I returned to using for some time, that rage never came back.

Also, I completely lost the craving to stick a needle in my arm, which I'd had for decades. When I relapsed the last time, it was strictly on prescription drugs and even with oxycontin I didn't have the temptation to shoot them. However, I don't think that without Suboxone I could have stayed clean from them, and I'm sure that given time, the rest would have returned as well. Hope that helps!

Fuzzy
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Unread 11-27-2012, 08:21 AM   #10
gotitang
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You ask if it was pride. The answer is yes. Recovery is not about what anyone thinks of you. The knowledge you gained (and obviously applied for some time) saved your life. That book is the answer to walking amongst them....a free man (or women)....no longer a slave to anything! Why then...would you worry about pride?
All my life, I just wanted to be normal. I didn't understand why I was the only one who woke up fighting there head. I felt alone in a crowded room of people. Either better than or less than. Paralyzed in fear at every turn. The Fellowship lead me to a sponsor, who lead me through the steps that lead me to God. God and those steps taught me how to suit up and show up for whatever life has to offer. No longer alone in the universe.
Suboxone has nothing to do with how I walk through my life. It is a tool. No different than the blood pressure pills I have to use to keep from having a stroke.
In the old days I would just have excuses to cause road blocks to my recovery. Today I just apply what i've learned and stay connected to others who face life "one day at a time" ..... Ohhhhh and whewwwwwwww ....Am I grateful.
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