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Unread 04-29-2016, 04:54 PM   #1251
Alexis
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how are you feeling Iam? missing you xx
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Unread 04-29-2016, 11:32 PM   #1252
iamtrying
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Hi All,

Thanks for kind words....

i am planning for separation now, probably divorce later...working on details...we live in a big house and has lot of stuff and maintenance cost...
i am working on details...it's not easy...any advise is appreciated...

i am depressed and devastated..and drinking...i will quit after sometime...i need sometime...

at any cost i want to retain the house...my son wants that...i can never give up on that...either i buyout or my would be ex...

at the same time i feel liberated and feel peaceful..i felt for a long time we were not meant for each other...i want to start over again and see where it goes...

never knew this day would come...but i will enjoy the time and day i will live i ever imagined...

get the bit..h out of my life...though i respect her for being mom of my son..but she ignored us for almost six months when i took care of my son very much, he has special needs...now i know what was going on

btw i gave her shit about all the pleading and falling to feet and shit...and still denial...after i showed phone records ..

one sad day at a time..

thanks all...love you all...

Last edited by iamtrying; 04-29-2016 at 11:45 PM..
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Unread 04-30-2016, 07:37 AM   #1253
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Hi iamtrying, do you have someone you can confide in? Have you looked into counseling. If you go to church, some people use their pastor/priest/rabbi or whatever as a counselor. I think it would be beneficial since this is such a life-changing thing for not only you, but also your son. You need to be as strong as you can emotionally.

As I know you know, alcohol is a depressant. Please think about quitting again. You need to be fully there for your son. And also, I fear that if your wife knows that you are drinking, she will use it against you in any separation/divorce proceedings.

Sending you a big hug.

Nancy
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Unread 04-30-2016, 09:19 AM   #1254
Tryntryagain
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Good afternoon dear I Am Trying. Bright blessings to you.

This is a massive thing happening for you. As dearest Nancy says, it would be grand if you have someone to confide in. It can be a hugely lonely time and one can feel "disconnected" from events, almost as a protection mechanism.

It feels as if even if there is someone to share with, it is difficult to know what to say. Such ultimacy, endings unforeseen.

You may know that i have struggled with drink lately. How alcohol is not only a depressant, it will not finish with you until it has completely ****** you up. Thankfully for me it lasted this time but a couple of days. Apart from those days lasting a lifetime, in those days i found anger a companion, resentment his mate and self destruct comforting.

Along the way i chucked my anger at the person i love the most. It is this that creates fear in those who see alcohol as a complete and utter disabler.

It is "natural" to me to turn to drink.....or so i thought. Actually it is simply, "all i have ever done"....not natural at all. I had made it that way. Today, it does not have to be that way. It does not have to be for you either.

My heart is with you. Keep talking to us, whatever comes to mind.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to you dear I Am Trying.
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Unread 04-30-2016, 12:21 PM   #1255
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iamtrying, Even though you are drinking please stay in touch.
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Unread 05-01-2016, 05:48 AM   #1256
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Iamtrying,

I haven't been around here much the past few months but I want you to know you aren't alone going through this. People are here for you, don't lose sight of that. You be received some great feedback and support, please check in regularly,stay in touch. Our disease often causes us to isolate ourselves from those that would help us, support us. Know your loved here.

You asked for suggestions re your separation/ divorce/ assets...
Most states have some sort of a Marital Master who works with both parties to devise a parenting plan, redistribution of assets, and child support monetary arrangement which the court will usually accept as its final order of divorce. I used such a program during my divorce. We both agreed upfront to do what was in the best interest of our daughter. For us that was to divorce without any further hostility.

Do check in and let us know how you are day to day.

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Unread 05-01-2016, 06:11 AM   #1257
Tryntryagain
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Good morning dearest I Am Trying. Bright blessings to you.

How are you getting along today? If you are coping let us know. If you are proper down in the dumps and struggling hard, let us know. If you are smashed and don;t what to do next, let us help.

We are your family and we love you.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to you dearest I Am Trying
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Unread 05-02-2016, 03:20 PM   #1258
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Hi Iamtrying.

I agree with what the others say -- whatever's going on, please know you're not alone. And you don't have to drink. Remember, that's a choice. Numbness is not progress.

Hang in there, and yes, please do check in. I'm worried about you.
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Unread 05-02-2016, 04:25 PM   #1259
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Iam, where are you? Missing you and worrying xx
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Unread 05-03-2016, 07:04 AM   #1260
Tryntryagain
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Good morning dearest I Am Trying. Bright blessings to you.

I am worried about you. I am so because i, and i know all my other brothers and sisters have faltered, picked up again and we know what difficult, dark and lonely place that is. When i turned back to drink in just a couple of days i was "back to where i once was"....just....like.....that.

Thankfully this amazing does not judge, we all know and understand. We also know that none of us want to drink, it is the disease, yet we CAN OVERCOME IT together.

please, it would be so good to hear from you, whatever the state of play for you. We just want to support and love you.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to you dearest I Am Trying
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Unread 05-03-2016, 12:28 PM   #1261
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Iamafraid that iamtrying is drowning his sorrows in alcohol. He knows better.
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Unread 05-03-2016, 03:28 PM   #1262
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Come on back, please, Iamtrying. You know we will not judge you, whatever is going on.
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Unread 05-03-2016, 06:50 PM   #1263
Tryntryagain
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Good evening Dearest I Am Trying. Bright blessings to you my friend.

I have just written you the longest letter you ever did see, i am sitting on my lividness!, (wrong button. Tryn really needs his galsto...nope...glazier...nope...gleam...nope...ah ....glasses...there we go)

I suppose my thrust of my letter was this.

In my cosy home, i have my desktop, it is frankly the dogs bollocks.

Above me i have 2 small posters. I put them there 3 years ago on purpose. I think it pertains to you right now.

The top one says....

"You have the right to remain silent"...

The one underneath says.....

"You also have the right to speak out"...

And how Tryn has used the latter.

I do so, because you know what?....whatever we are not...whatever we are.....we have our voices.

When we are struggling, in dark places...no one is there, if they are you want them to **** off....here...we will not **** off.

We are here not to exercise your right not to speak out, but to encourage you that you have the right to speak out, whatever you need to say.

Over my time here I Am Trying, (getting passionate now), it would take me a month to tell you how many people have kept me if not sober at times, helped me get on the right path again.....my family did not give me my sobriety...they give me the tools, the confidence. the love, the understanding through listening, and all that adds up to gives Tryn, Andy, more than a good chance.

Take your right to speak out. Do it to us.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to you dearest I Am Trying.
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Unread 05-03-2016, 09:41 PM   #1264
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If you can go for over a long year without drinking, you can do it again. No dumb lady is worth drinking over. I'm a lady so I can say that. take care, I understand how you feel, if you don't want to post just write on others so we know your ok, no judgement here at all, take care!
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Unread 05-04-2016, 08:04 PM   #1265
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Thank you all for your support.

I am Ok..just not feeling good...I have been drinking on and off...keeping my feelings to myself. I feel devastated, we built this house brick by brick...to see it go away just like that hurts...

trying to remain calm...at times i am angry, confused, in pain, not sure what I am doing...and sometimes trying to act normal. It's hard. Things keep coming back in my head, feelings of letting down, cheating on me, dishonesty, lieing...really hurts.

Nevertheless, I will grow up out of this...the process is going to take lot more time because of the nature of all the stuff....she pleads every day to reconcile and work it out...right now i am moved into a different room in my house all by myself. My son needs me so i am around here, otherwise i would have moved out. I checked couple of places in the weekend, myself and my son went on drive for house hunting, he was excited. Believe it or not he is supporting me a lot , at that age i didn't know how to tie shoe laces...he has grown mature so fast...also, he has seen all the stuff going around...it bothers me.

I read several articles around kids in this situation and how to handle. I guess we need to remain calm...i am trying hard. I need sometime to be myself...i am thinking where I went wrong, what I could have done or it's not my fault. More I think more I feel unsure. The most that hurts me is not telling me the truth...I don't look at her in the same way....I am just hanging here because of my son.

I admit i am drinking only beer not hard drinks, that doesn't make me less or more...but i am trying to numb my pain. I know that is wrong, I feel lonely and i comfort myself. I have not talked to anybody other than her sister and her sister's husband. They are advising to take time and reconcile..not to waste so many years of marriage and for the kids shake. I am taking time, more i think, i am not going to be happy and not going to trust. We have dispute of who wants to keep the house. She wants it she is going to get all that money ... and i might have to wait...this could take months or yr. I can become more aggressive and kick her out..but i am holding back for my son...I am going to take time and reflect...but we are two different unknown people living and raising a child at this point.

My work is going alright, i was not myself at work for a while, very detached and by myself. i felt like telling to my colleague but I didn't..

That is my state for now...but i will keep posted.

sorry for drinking, and i will stop and things will comeback i am just holding back...i need sometime to clear my head and myself.

love you all.
IamStruggling.

Last edited by iamtrying; 05-04-2016 at 08:16 PM..
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Unread 05-04-2016, 08:11 PM   #1266
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It will be ok, do what you need to do in your heart. Always here for you.
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Unread 05-05-2016, 10:29 AM   #1267
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iamtrying, Does the drinking help you cope? With me when Cindy left drinking was not an option.

Time heals so take time before you do something. With me I would always be wondering when the shoe would drop again.
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Unread 05-05-2016, 01:40 PM   #1268
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Iamtrying, it sounds like you're still in a reactionary phase. Just a tiny bit of advice here, that you probably already know...

Time may not heal this, but it will help you to find clarity, so it's best not to make any decisions for a while regarding divorce, etc. And of course, especially not to make any decisions while you're drinking. After some time, you may be able to gain some clarity about the big picture and what's best for you, your wife, and your son.

I'm glad you were able to talk to someone, your in-laws. Is there a chance that once the initial anger subsides a little, you might be able to see a couples counselor who can get to the bottom of things and help you sort it all out?

I used to work for a psychologist who did parent evaluations in divorce cases, and advised the court on custody and visitation issues. People got so angry, so vicious... and 10 times out of 10, it was the kids who suffered. If only people had just sought help to sort things out before the anger festered so much, I think so much of that suffering (and spending, omg, the spending -- parenting evaluations cost thousands and thousands of dollars) could have been avoided.

Anyway, my point is, it's totally normal to feel bad some days, and not be able to hide it. You're in a super tough situation. Anyone would be miserable. But you don't have to do this alone. There are resources, and I hope you won't be afraid to use them.

Hang in there, and remember that alcohol is a depressant...

Hugs, Iamtrying.
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Unread 05-05-2016, 04:44 PM   #1269
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Good evening I Am Trying. Bright blessings to you.

Gosh, is this not the most wonderful family?

Love pours out of everyone of us. It flows gently between us all. We are the rocks that guide the running water into the channels that shape the world around us. The streams and rock pools of love never stagnate.

Put it down.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to you dearest I Am Trying.
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Unread 05-07-2016, 05:21 PM   #1270
Alexis
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How are you Iam? Keep talking, it helps xx
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Unread 05-09-2016, 04:00 PM   #1271
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How are you, Iamtrying?
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Unread 05-12-2016, 09:54 AM   #1272
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I just wanted to send a message of HOPE for you. You came a long road and had over a year of sobriety with bright messages to us each day as an inspiration. I hope that now we can inspire you and lift you in the direction of peace for yourself and sobriety. You deserve a good life.
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Unread 05-12-2016, 01:41 PM   #1273
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Hear, hear dearest Lost Dog.

Loveness and my love to you dearest I Am Trying.

Be well. Be here. Loveness
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Unread 05-15-2016, 11:09 PM   #1274
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Love you all..

i am Ok...dealing with this one day at a time

-- Iamtrying
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Unread 05-16-2016, 09:53 AM   #1275
Tryntryagain
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Good afternoon dearest I Am Trying. The most excited of bright blessings to you.

So, so, so good to hear from you. I am so grateful you are about. I miss you so much. I bet you do not believe a word of that do you?

Tough. It's true.

The strength that you consistently showed is such a part of you. So it makes getting our of this hole easy then right?

Of course it doesn't. We know that. Don't over-think.

Seriously, breakfast to brunch. Then brunch to lunch.

Half a day at a time. Keep it as simple as you can until you find your feet. We will help you get up.......here...grab my hand...>>>> oooppppuuuuuuppppp....there we go.

How's that feel? Grab some thing to eat and find some calm. Just feel. Do nothing else. Let this horrid time wash through, and over you. React in the moment. Cry, let go, completely.

Before you do that for yourself, make sure you have in place your restful place to go to.

My thoughts, love and strength with you I Am Trying.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness and warmth dearest I Am Trying
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Unread 05-16-2016, 10:27 AM   #1276
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iamtrying, Think through that next urge to drink. Live life on life's terms. Instead of why me, try why not me.
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Unread 05-17-2016, 03:34 PM   #1277
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Hang in there, Iamtrying...
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Unread 05-17-2016, 06:09 PM   #1278
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Thanks for stopping by Iam. Please keep sharing what you can with us, we are here for you always xx
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Unread 05-23-2016, 05:58 PM   #1279
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Hey there Iamtrying...

Hope you're doing okay. Please feel free to check in when you can. We're here for you.
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Unread 05-23-2016, 06:02 PM   #1280
Tryntryagain
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Good evening I Am Trying. Bright blessings to you.

I have no answers, not even any questions, i have a thought though.

I KNOW you "I Am Trying".....as i say just a thought, how about thinking, "Trying Am I?"

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to you Trying I Am.
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Unread 06-02-2016, 01:37 PM   #1281
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Thinking of you, hoping you're okay.
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Unread 06-02-2016, 02:13 PM   #1282
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hope you are ok, I know it is hard for you at this time. When you posted before it was very positive and even though you may be down, you can share your feeling good or bad here, no pressure. Just take small steps....
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Unread 06-04-2016, 04:04 PM   #1283
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Hi All,

Thanks for all the kind words and advise , means a lot to me.

Been over a month now, I have gone thru a lot of stress and i feel i am in kind of depression, haven't been eating well...drinking on and off...i want to stop drinking and come back on track...i am working on it....

Right now, i am staying in same house in a different room...talking about separation and divorce....it is going to be a long process...thinking of using mediator....

I met counselor myself and poured all the details and expressed to her what i was carrying in my heart and head...felt little better after that. I asked my wife to come to the counselor she said yes and in the last moment she denied...she was scared...well, i want her to take responsibility for what she has done...I guess in my mind it doesn't matter a whole lot as we go separate ways....finances are going to take *hit...but i will be peaceful...

The other thing is we had planned this trip in Aug which is all booked...i am wondering how ugly that is going to be...I cannot bear to be in the same room with her...for my son's shake i have to put on happy face and get it over....

Lot of lessons learned in this past month...Life can rock in no time...and suffer for someones else fault...Life at work has been tough...mentally i am not there...but slowly it is coming back...

I am feeling little clear in my head and probably will plan myself going back on sober path soon....

Please feel free to give any suggestion or advise that you can think....

Love u all...
iamtrying...
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Unread 06-04-2016, 04:21 PM   #1284
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Iam, im so sorry you are struggling, thanks a lot for posting, we miss you.

We want you around, whether you are drinking or not, but we would prefer you to be sober. Im glad you want that too, one step at a time, youre the one who did the 'one day' thing so so well.

Regarding advice, im not sure im qualified to give it, im younger than the others so not sure where you should turn. I would say im glad you saw a counselor. that can be a big step in the right direction.

Keep talking to us Iam, we love you very much xxx
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Unread 06-04-2016, 06:33 PM   #1285
Tryntryagain
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Oh how lovely to hear from you.

Good evening dearest I Am Trying. Bright blessings to you.

Firstly i know, i am sure most of our/your brothers and sisters know that one.

I am talking the "naugjhty night" when you have to sleep in the spare room, i am talking when the wheels have come off, the steering wheel no longer steers, and the whole shebang has "lost it", gone out of control, and here you are both now...stuck in the car, wondering what to do in the most emotianally difficult circumstances.

At this point my brother i have to declare a "conflict of interest". I am a trained mediator. I have a piece of paper that says i am. It meant i passed the exams. I ALWAYS found it very difficult not to take sides. I felt too much.

HOWEVER...

The other mediators around that i know are quite wonderful.

You have 2 people who once loved each other, and probably do in their own way, yet they have lost their channels of communication with each other.

Within that is usually an immense amount of hurt. It is human for those 2 people to want to blame the other. Hurt will always come out.

So the practical stages is that your local mediation service would like to meet with you separately. Take all the time needed to listen and take on board, what is being shared. Then we see the other human being, and do the very same. If you are both in agreement, we will all meet up, and there will actually be "rules". It is the job of the mediators to facilitate very difficult circumstances, so that there is the likelihood of a positive outcome.

The dynamics of each intervention are as so diverse, as is hard to describe. Mediation is a structured progress. My limited experience has shown it works far more than it does not.

Your circumstances, and probably that of your wife, are almost untenable. Certainly for those that drink is a crutch.

If you have the strength, move forward by changing the circumstances around you.

My brother?....there were times when, not a finger click away, you gave strength on very, very cloudy days.

When my great man was dying, and then dead, i have not the words for how you pulled me up by my bootstraps.

You are an execptional human being, feeling like you are not an exceptional human being.

You are.

Write soon...pleeeaaassee?

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to you dearest I Am, Trying.

(PS, only YOU can stop drinking my brother)
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Unread 06-04-2016, 11:47 PM   #1286
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Nice to hear from you, I know times are tough for you, be gentle with yourself, enjoy yourself and life with each day of being present and capturing the simple moments of a sunrise, your son, or walking in nature, Try and get peace, don't ever blame yourself. I think counseling helps, lots, it helps someone take on the burden to help you life it off your shoulders.
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Unread 06-05-2016, 11:55 AM   #1287
R. Lee
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iamtrying, Time will heal. Stay in contact.
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Unread 06-06-2016, 04:25 PM   #1288
Millie
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Hi Iamtrying. Thank you for checking in.

Please do continue to let us know how you're doing. We do care. I'm sorry you're continuing to have a rough time. The only piece of advice I have, and you know this too, is that alcohol will not help depression. It makes it worse. That's proven.

There are things you don't have control over, and things you do. Alcohol is in that latter category. But I'll step off that soapbox.

I read a thing the other day that struck me, something along the lines of "pain is inevitable, suffering is optional." It's sort of all in what we do with it. I'm going to think about that one a lot...
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Unread 06-17-2016, 10:28 PM   #1289
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Hi All,

Just checking in...

Thank you for all the kind words...

Rlee, millie, tyrn, susie, alexis, sam, lostdog, saint, nancy, jenm and others if i missed...I think of you all everyday...you are my support behind my mind all the time...

some things that resonate in my mind...

rlee said why not me
millie said pain is inevitable but suffering is optional...
saint said no hostility for shake of kid...
Tyrn picked my finger up to get up...
Sam, Jenm , nancy, susie and alexis encouraged me...
and many more...

love you all..

My days have been Ok...and so ..so...
days i feel very sad and frustrated...but trying to get back on my feet and to be myself...

i have been drinking on and off..restricting myself to beer, i know that is not an excuse ...but soon i will be off that...

i have become more strong ....doing well at work...i am focusing on what is best for me and my son...

that's all i got to say for this beautiful Friday evening...

Love you all...have a great weekend.

hugs
iamtrying...
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Unread 06-17-2016, 10:38 PM   #1290
Tryntryagain
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Our dearest I Am Trying. Bright blessings to you.

"You are becoming more strong", my brother as you have shown yourself, and your family here, you have always had the strength.

Life gets in the way.

The sadness and frustration is within you. It may be because of your journey, it may be for what is happening for you right now, yet my brother, the strength you feel and have found now, is also happening to you to.

Go with that. It is you.

YOU, are worth it. Not the saying.....you.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to you dearest I Am Trying
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Unread 06-18-2016, 06:38 AM   #1291
NancyB
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Hi iamtrying, so good to hear from you. So good to see you are trying and you feel your strength returning. You will get there. Keep that focus on you and your son. Sending hugs back to you.

Nancy
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Unread 06-18-2016, 12:16 PM   #1292
R. Lee
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Thanks for checking in. You can do it when you are ready.
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Unread 06-18-2016, 06:06 PM   #1293
lostdog
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Glad your better, with your strength, you can do anything!
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Unread 06-18-2016, 10:17 PM   #1294
Millie
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Thank you for checking in. Sounds like you're being thoughtful about drinking, and being patient with yourself. You do sound better, from here.

Hang in there, dear Iamtrying.
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Unread 06-19-2016, 09:44 AM   #1295
jenm
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Hi iamtrying!

I am so happy that you checked in. Please continue to do so. I am praying for you. I have been exactly where you are right now. I absolutely know how it feels. Please take care! Love, Jenm
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Unread 06-19-2016, 03:37 PM   #1296
Alexis
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Hey iam, keep with us, we will help all we can.

x
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Unread 06-23-2016, 10:37 AM   #1297
gmasusie
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Dearest Iam,

I cannot believe you have been suffering for these 2 months or more and I did not even know it. I have been so wrapped up in my own life that I lost touch with some of the most important people in my life. It is a danger. Don't go away from us. If you are drinking, so be it. You are important to us. Telling us about your life and your drinking can help you through it.

My love, Susie
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Unread 06-25-2016, 04:12 PM   #1298
Saint
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Iamtrying,

You sound better... You will get through this my friend. Life has a way of jumping up and grabbing us at times. We are never truly in control of events but we can work on how we react to those events. Something I heard here a long time ago has always stuck with me.

"Progress, not perfection".

Hang in there my friend. Tomorrow is a new day.

Saint
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Unread 07-13-2016, 08:15 AM   #1299
Tryntryagain
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Good afternoon dear I Am Trying. Bright blessings to you.

Where are you at my brother? Are you lost? Please don't be. You are in all our thoughts and hearts. If you can, write, share, tell, be.

I miss you.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to you dear I Am Trying
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Unread 07-25-2016, 03:06 PM   #1300
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Iamtrying,

Just stopped by to see how you are. Please let us know how you are. We've all been where you are / were in some shape or form. Be well my friend and know you're not alone.

Peace,
Saint
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