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Unread 03-05-2011, 04:15 PM   #301
R. Lee
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1418, Keep your chin up & moving forward.
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Unread 03-05-2011, 10:24 PM   #302
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Katie,

When I have bad days I try to remind myself that without the bad days I wouldn't fully appreciate the good, the great days. And I so appreciate the good days spent with my daughter. Thinking of her is making me smile right now : ). Thank you for that!

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Unread 03-06-2011, 05:11 AM   #303
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Dear 1418,

Saint and Lee posted great feedback about how much you have overcome, there is no doubt in my mind you are strong person! I am sorry you are hurt and hope talking with someone face to face will help.
As far as the heartache maybe give time ..... time to do its job , spend time with your son, lean on your supports !
Sending positive thoughts your way : ) hang in there - Carly
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Unread 03-06-2011, 02:45 PM   #304
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Thanks everyone. YOu have no idea how much your support means to me! I have my good moments and not so good... but hopefully the not so good ones will fade away.

I think you all know that I need "plans"... If I have a plan for a situation, I can usually deal with it. I searched the web, "how to heal a broken heart" and believe it or not, there is an article on E-how!!! It is common sense mostly, but it is nice to have something to read/look at....

I am avoiding the radio at all costs, not watching any romantic movies, and plan to join a gym.

I am also very busy caring for my son who has the flu. Temp of 102.8 WHILE on tylenol and ibuprofen. I talked with a nurse last night. Not much I can do except love him and be patient.

Thank you again for your support.
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Unread 03-07-2011, 12:59 PM   #305
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Sending good thoughts your way!
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Unread 03-07-2011, 01:30 PM   #306
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1418,

Hope your son is feeling better today.

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Unread 03-08-2011, 10:28 AM   #307
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Hi Saint,

He is - thank you. The fever finally broke last night and he went to school this morning. I suggested he stay home for one more day and he had a fit - he wants to go back to school! He is such an awesome kid!

I had an extremely dark night last night, but I made it through. My gut, my instincts tells me that my BF loved me, but when we got into that huge fight - he shut down, instead of standing up to me and my questions. I shared these thoughts with my Mom and she is concerned I am delusional and that I am going to go crawling back to him. I am not. If he doesn't figure this out on his own, we wouldn't make it together for the long haul anyway. You must be able to disagree and fight over things without one of you backing out.

I'm really not sure if he will ever figure this out (his feelings for me, for us), but my prediction is that he will be back - and unfortunately it will likely be too late.

Time will tell if I am correct or not. If there is one lesson I continue to learn over and over is to trust my instincts. I think that is why dealing with an alcoholic is so challenging. The manipulation of feelings/situations, etc. usually results in his/her partner to doubt themselves.

Not anymore for me. Time will tell.

Take care,
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Unread 03-08-2011, 03:53 PM   #308
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1418,

Glad to hear your son is feeling better. Children are so resilient at times it amazes me : ).

Yes, trust your instincts 1418, they have served you well.

I wish you well,
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Unread 03-08-2011, 08:35 PM   #309
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I think I have figured out what has led to the break up, and ironically enough, it is alcohol related.

I drink too much when I am with my BF. New Years, his company party, Mexico. I am anxious drinking when I am with him. He has had to "carry me" as a result, and I think that freaked him out to no end. I think it reminded him deeply of his ex wife.

We may not be good together... I don't know. But I do know one thing - I do not recognize the person that I have been acting like, and I want to figure out why, so that it doesn't happen again.

Thanks for listening.
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Unread 03-08-2011, 10:27 PM   #310
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1418, I'm glad that you are thinking about your drinking. My best to you.
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Unread 03-09-2011, 06:01 PM   #311
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Thanks R. Lee. I didn't even realize that I was likely using alcohol to sooth my anxiety. BAD IDEA. It doesn't work and I really don't like drinking all that much anyway! I wish I would have been consciously aware of just
how anxious I was.

I slept last night for the first time in a very long time. I felt like a new person this morning. As I catch up on my sleep, I'm looking forward to feeling like myself again.

Thanks again,
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Unread 03-09-2011, 08:35 PM   #312
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You are welcome. Keep posting.
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Unread 03-10-2011, 12:45 PM   #313
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Just found out that my ex continues to hang out at the bar (friends of my parents saw him there last week). I'm not surprised and I'm not even disappointed.

Didnt' sleep last night. Called my doc this morning. One of my friends suggested that I thought my relationship with my BF was so great becuase he was stable, dependable, held a job, was fiscally responsible... that compared to my Ex - my BF was awesome.

I'm making a list of what was good in our relationship, and what wasn't. I hope I hit the anger stage soon of grieving. This sad stage really STINKS.
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Unread 03-10-2011, 03:48 PM   #314
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1418,

There's plenty of fish in the sea, keep on fishing ; ).

And don't spend to much time on the angry part, it's not worth all the energy in my opinion.

Take care,
Saint
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Unread 03-13-2011, 01:07 AM   #315
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Dear 1418,

How are you doing ?
Keep venting, it sounds like you are gaining insight about you. I cannot stress enough if you think you have an alcohol issue imo- deal with it now before it progresses.
Take it easy, now would be the time to take extra special care of yourself : rest, go for walks/exercise.

Hang in there and take care, Carly
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Unread 03-13-2011, 04:23 PM   #316
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Hi Carly,

Thank you for your note. I don't think I have an alcohol issue. I think I have a man/men issue. I need to figure out how I can be myself in a relationship with a man. I am a very strong person that is not very comfortable being vulnerable. When I feel emotionally vulnerable, I strike out - verbally - HARD... I also get very anxious - which in this instance I used alcohol to "sooth" my nerves, which is a complete joke. I know beter than that, and I am very confident I won't ever do that again. I don't even really enjoy drinking, and I am very confident if I can get my anxiety in check, I will be fine. I am working with a professional (Doc) on the anxiety control, so I'm not just ignoring it. Thank you for being concerned though.

I'm now still dealing with a broken heart. He asked me out for dinner last Thursday. I went. We had a nice time. I was very tense though, but we do always have fun together. There were several times when I had some good "belly laughs"... I didn't drink anything - I had not eaten much that day and I knew driving home would be dangerous. I told him that as well so he knew why I wasn't drinking.

I don't know if I will ever hear from him again. At one point he had his arm around me and asked if it I thought dinner was strange or awkward or something like that. And I said yes, becuase it was - it was different. He said something about, then why did you say yes? I told him, 'becuase I wanted to see what it would be like." At one point he said, with a great deal of pain, "I do miss you and think about you all the time." I looked at him and simply said, "Me too", and rested my head on his shoulder.

At the end of the evening, we walked out to our cars. He hugged me tight, and gave me a few slaps on the back. I said, "Thanks for dinner", in a rather flat tone without making eye contact, and got into my car and left. I didn't make eye contact because it I didn't want him to see how much pain I was in. That may have been a mistake on my part....

The next day I sent him an email, saying, "Thank you for dinner. It was really good seeing you. Goofball and ALL. I still miss you.

I should have left out the "gooball" part. His former girlfriend was really hard on him for being such a "kid"... but my point is that I like him - ALL of him, which includes him being a goofball sometimes. However, what I learned on our trip, what I do not like about him is his definition of "committed relationship." I really thought we had the same definition - but apparently his includes continuing to have conversations with a woman that he knows wants to have a relationship well after we got back together. We broke up in August. I thought it was becuase he wanted to spend time with his boys, wasn't sure about us... He broke up with me to have dinner with this woman to see if anything was there. He told me it was a mistake and he knew right away... but then why did he continue to take her calls? I don't get it. Something doesn't add up.

Insight anybody?

In the future, however, when my gut tells me something, and my anxiety levells flare up - instead of turning to alcohol, I am going to take a minute. Sit down, and try to figure out what it is. If I ask myself - what am I feelling vulnerable about - I suspect I will figure it out...
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Unread 03-14-2011, 01:51 AM   #317
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1418- It sounds like you have a lot of love to give and for whatever reasons he is not reciprocating or on the same page - relationship wise. You have invested time and emotions with this man, so I am sure it hurts.
I think you are right as you say in the future "listening to your instincts " acknowledging red flags or as you said things that just don't add up- you deserve no less than the best!
Hang in there, take care, Carly
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Unread 03-20-2011, 11:05 AM   #318
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Hello Everyone,

Well, we went out and had dinner together. It was "all cards on the table." He told me that I'm the whole package, that I have it all, but he is an empty nester, and he doesn't want to be part of a family. He told me even if I have 50/50 custody he could do it, but not with me having 100% placement.

So, there it is.

He cried. I cried. He said, "I can't believe I am giving you up." He said we had it all, great "private" life, fun together, etc... but he also said that weekends when it was the 3 of us (the two of us plus my son), that he felt resentment. That isn't okay.

I am angry. Angry that my ex is an alcoholic that continues to drink, continues to drive (wihtout a license) and will likely never be a parent to my child again. I am angry that my ex boyfriend wasn't willing to accept my son. I am angry that he hurt me so much. I am angry at myself for letting myself love him so much. I am scared becuase I think I will be alone for the rest of my life, and it was so much fun when my BF and I were together. Although I now realize he wasn't having the fun I thought he was.

He told me that he was waiting for a sign - that it either was or wasn't going to work out, but he never got a clear indication of either.

I don't understand men. I think they are very simple in that they don't understand their feelings, and also very complicated at the same time. I just don't get it. I am tired. Very, very, very tired. And sad, extremely sad.
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Unread 03-20-2011, 03:48 PM   #319
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Dear 1418,

I am so sorry, that must of been completely emotionally draining for the both you.
I definitely think your anger is justifiable, valid.... I mean It is a rotten situation and it is a SHAME that he could not accept your son who is after all an extension of you.
The devil's advocate in me says I can understand ( to a point) he is at a place and time in his life where he is not willing to put forth the effort it takes when loving someone who has a child. The resentment remark is not cool- imo.
Though I am guessing your Ex's alcohol issues play a part in his "ultimate decision" as your Ex is not getting better and he may know that it can get worse and there you are trying to do right by Everyone, keeping your son in contact with his Dad , who in spite of the issues - your son loves, not to mention working -- you must be exhausted !
All of this said , I know doesn't take the pain and anger away, but it sounds like it may be best to rip the bandaid off once and for all and handle it amicably.
One thing - what sign was he looking for , that is very curious?
1418, you will not be alone , take time for you and your son, recover from this first.
I hope you can salvage the rest of your weekend, be kind to yourself,keep us posted,
take care - Carly
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Last edited by CarlyO; 03-20-2011 at 03:57 PM.. Reason: what was the sign he was looking for ?
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Unread 03-20-2011, 04:34 PM   #320
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Best of luck 1418. We can make plans but we can't plan the outcome.
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Unread 03-20-2011, 05:43 PM   #321
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Hi Carly,

Interesting question. I don't know what sign he was looking for. I think it was more of a strong feeling, one way or the other, but I'm really not sure.

You helped me, my son IS an extension of me. Rejecting my son is rejecting me. I do understand him wanting to be "foot loose and fancy free" - I just think he is an idiot. I am a confident, independent woman, who can stand on her own two feet. I am not needy, and I love deeply. I am honest and I am trustworthy. I take care of myself both physcially and financially. We connected, I know we did. He even said when we had dinner the other night, that he was surprised how deep his feelings are for me, that they are deeper than he was aware of. I just don't think that comes around all that often.

Ugggg. ENOUGH. I need to focus on ME. I need to heal, so that I can be there for my son. I am going to have to force myself to work out. Tonight - 15 minnutes walking. It is a must.

Thank you for listening.
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Unread 03-23-2011, 04:58 PM   #322
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Well - I didn't walk the other night. I need to start exercising. I need that natural endorphin rush. I don't know why I'm not doing it. I know I will feel better if I do. Right now I kind of feel numb - maybe I'm scared to start feeling again - because I might feel more pain? That doesn't sound like me. I'm not afraid of pain anymore. Not after this past month of heck.

Yesterday was 3 weeks after the break up. Trying to keep it focused on me, healing, and moving forward. Somebody texted me stating, don't focus on the past - there isnt' anything you can do about it - just focus on the present becuase that is really all we can influence.

Why does my brain keep on wanting to relive the past? Why is my brain into self-torture? Craziness.
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Unread 03-25-2011, 05:29 PM   #323
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1418,

You're grieving for what could have been???? I think one lives in the past because they are not yet ready or do not want to move forward. Give yourself time....... you and your son deserve it.

Wish you the best!
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Unread 03-26-2011, 10:23 AM   #324
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Hi Saint,

I think you are correct. I am grieving for what I thought could have been. I just made a list of what was good with our relationship and what wasn't good. There were some pretty significant flaws/"bads" at the end. It certainly would not have worked long term if those weren't addressed. I'm still floored he choose to walk away from the entire thing.... I am grieving. I'm not a patient person, and there is absolutely nothing I can do to speed this up. I just have to wait, journal, reflect, try to focus on myself and my son.

Last night I took my son and 2 of his friends to a high school basektball game - my son's father is the assistant coach of the team. It is the one situation where my son can see his father doing something positive, so I forced myself to go. The team won, so they play again today. I am going to force myself to take my son again today. My parents are going to go again tonight with us, so that certainly helps.

My son is amazing. I told him that this morning. His two friends slept over last night. This morning they were all packed up and ready to leave when I woke up. I made them breakfast, and then their father showed up 1 hour earlier than planned. Since my son had them get everything all packed up - they were able to finish their breakfast, their father and I enjoyed a cup of coffee and then they headed out. I told my son that I am very proud of him and that he is becoming an amazing young man. He looked at me and in a funny voice said, "Puberty!" He knew what I meant, he was just fooling around.

I love my son. He is amazing!!!!
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Unread 03-28-2011, 10:14 PM   #325
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1418,

Have a goal in mind and move forward, one step at a time. It's as simple as that and at times just as hard. Push on. You've learned what worked and what you want in the future. That's a great place to start from!

Be good to yourself, life is short.
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Unread 03-29-2011, 12:16 AM   #326
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I read thru this whole post, I think you are pretty amazing yourslef.

I know it hasn't been easy, you were strong, and made good choices for you and your son. The sacrifices you have made now, will pay off later in so many ways.

Be proud of yourself!

vhappy
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Unread 03-29-2011, 11:35 AM   #327
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Hi VHappy,

First - thank you for reading through my pages of postings! And thank you for your very kind post. You made my day.

I am focusing on Truths, which for me are things in my life that have been consistent:
-love for my family
-love for my child
-friends that know everything about me and still friends with me anyway!
-exercise is good for you, but it takes a great deal of effort for me to do it.
-my faith in a higher power
-listening to myself is important. If I take the time, eventually the noise will quiet and I will hear what my heart and head are saying. When they aren't aligned - I know I am wrestling with something.
-You can't live in the past - there is absolutely nothing you can do about the past. It is over. Today is it - sometimes you just need to take things one day at a time.
-Working with data/facts is easier for me than making up answeers in my head.
-You can't make anybody do anything. You can't make a drunk stop drinking. You can't make somebody love you. You can't change people. You can only take care of yourself.

Again - thank you for your kind post!
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Unread 03-29-2011, 11:50 AM   #328
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1418,

Good for you!

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Unread 03-29-2011, 02:40 PM   #329
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1418,
NO, thank you,

Your words of wisdom are going to carry me thru my day today. I am in a similar situation with my 5 year old grandson. His father has custody while my daughter is away at school. His father drinks and abuses drugs. Because Grandparents have no rights, he has to be in his father's custody until she gets out of school in Aughust. It makes no sense to any sane person, but we must tip toe around him so he will leave my grandson with us...most of the time.

Your post gave me courage, my own family has also been thru alcoholism, and I have been in your shoes. I could understand everything you did and why. You are a strong brave women, and your son will be proud when he grows up, that you took the courage to give him a better life! He may not understand it all today, but he will one day.

vhappy
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Unread 03-31-2011, 10:15 PM   #330
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So over the past weekend, my ex boyfriend sends me an email, telling me how much he misses me and that I am constantly in his thoughts. He sent me a document expressing some of his thoughts. Some of them were just obervations (like that I aspire to be a great cook, but I'm okay not being there yet) and some were "deep" such as, "I was relaxed just being in your arms" and "You seemed to understand my feelings better than I did at times". He told me I am a wonderful person, a wonderful mother, and that he was happy when he was with me.

WHY did he send that to me? WHY? It is absolutely killing me. I really think my drinking too much really frightened him. Shoot - it frightened me too. I guess that means we aren't meant to be????

I don't understand. He sent me 43 thoughts about me/us that were absolutely incredible. It wasn't a "booty call"... they were very caring and thoughtful statements.

My hearts is killing me. When am I going to start to heal? This is absolutely awful. Why did he send that to me?

I did respond to hiim after 3 days. I thanked him for the incredible 43 thoughts about me/us.... and yet he still thought of me as a consolation prize. I told him that I hope he finds somebody with 47.75 or 88 or 108.2 or whatever his magic number is.... That was mean. I probably shouldn't have sent that. But I was angry. I AM angry. How can somebody express total acceptance (from me) and then just move on? I do NOT get it. My heart is killing me. I don't want to do this again. It has been one month now. When will this start getting bett3r? I actually think I was getting better until he sent me that darn email. Now I keep checking my email ever few minutes or so... I am hurt, I am disappointed, I am disolusioned, I am lonely, and I feel like a failure. I don't think I am loveable.

My ex goes to jail tomorrow. He doesn't think i know. He is angry with me for selling the stupid dump truck for $1,000 less than I paid for it. IF the darn thing was worth so much - why didn't he sell it when he owned it? TOXIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Unread 04-01-2011, 09:17 AM   #331
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Dear 1418,
How long will your Ex be incarcerated - did you tell your son and if so how is he handling it ?
That email must have been confusing. It sounds like that email is pulling at your heartstrings - rightly so as you are trying to deal with the break up.
When you had the last talk did he express drinking as a major concern , I thought it was taking on a family again because his kids have left the nest , so to speak ?

I know having someone that loves you is a great feeling but just imo maybe weigh that against having a sense of stability, consistency for both you and your son. From what you posted your bf had been struggling with his ability or willingness to start over with a family.

If you feel like communication with him is not allowing you to heal, take a break or stop it, just tell him hey, I am working hard on moving forward, getting through this .

Whatever you decide, I hope your heart is soon on the mend, keep us posted.
Take care, Carly
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Unread 04-01-2011, 10:14 AM   #332
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Hi Carly,

I did not tell my son that his father is headed to jail. I just didn't think it was necessary. I don't know if that is the right thing or not, but I don't even know if his parents are aware of it or not.

Regarding the relationship with my BF - my drinking was an issue becuase one night he had to "take care of me" which I think reminded him of his ex - having to "carry somebody" in a relationship which freaked him out. It freaked me out quite honestly too.

I'm not buying the whole "not wanting to be in my "family" with my son thing. My former BF knows that kids become more and more independent and my son is already 11 yrs old.

You did hit the nail on the head though. Stability. Stability for me and for my son is important. We need people in our lives that we can count on - not this "in out, maybe I love you/I'm not sure, I don't want to commit but then again I'm sending you an email about how great we were together because I really don't want you to move on......." It is too much for me.

I had stability before I started dating. I can have stability after dating. I need that stability for myself and for my son. I need to be happy on my own again.

Thank you for listening. I hope that mending of my heart starts to take place sooner rather than later.
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Unread 04-11-2011, 03:36 PM   #333
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I agree with the "futurists" here, 1418. You need to just keep moving forward. Put goals in front of you, and put the past to your back. Have you tried going to groups for some support? That's where (I think) a lot of us learned about goals and moving forward. As the saying goes, one day at a time...
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Unread 04-12-2011, 09:59 PM   #334
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I am angry, very very angry. I need your help in finding the root cause. Tonight at my parent's house, I was saying (joking manner) that my boss was afraid of me. He wasn't - he just wanted to get out of my office becuase I absolutely reached my limit with people complaining. He left my office smiling and I was laughing.

My mother told me that she and my father are afraid of me. I need to check into that. I don't know if she is being dramatic or real. My son and I had a very calm heart to heart and he thinks I have been kind of crabby, but he knows I'm not unhappy with him. He patted me on the leg and said, "Yeah Mom, life can kind of mess with you sometimes." Which of course made me laugh. I told him that yes, indeed - sometimes life can mess with you, but that is when you lean on your friends and family, and you just push through it.

So I really don't think I have damaged anything with my son. At work I need to cool it, but I am sooooo sick and tired of hearing how my department sucks, how I am not good enough, blah blah blah. I am absolutely sick of it.

I am angry. I am mad at myself for chosing my ex husband in the first place. I am mad at myself for getting so close to my ex boyfriend and for loving him so much when he didn't deserve me and wasn't all in. I am angry that my ex is a drunk and I really don't see him taking responsibility for his drinking anytime in the near future. I am angry - but then as soon as the anger subsides just a little bit - I BURST into tears.

What is going on with me? PLease - any ideas? I want to just quit. I don't want to work, I don't want to deal with anything more. I have HAD IT!

What set me off this evening at dinner is that I told my father how much the insurance company is giving me to fix the damage a storm did to my house, and he launched into how that probably wasn't going to be enough and how I would have to fight them and blah blah blah. I DO NOT HAVE ANY FIGHT LEFT! I am tired. And quite frankly, I don't care about "what ifs".. I want the facts. I asked him to please stop talking about it, that I can't deal with the "scenarios" and that I will get some quotes and then deal with the insurance company - or my agent can deal with them. That is what I pay him to do.

I don't have fight left, I am tired, I am angry, and I want to sit on my butt and cry my guts out. But I have been crying for over 1 month now. ENOUGH. It sounds like a huge pity party. Maybe I should call my doctor again. I don't feel like I am making progress. I am sleeping. I"m still not eating very much...

Root cause - it is me. I don't feel like I am worth very much. I feel like the people at work are right. I feel like I stink - at everything, and that is why my boyfriend didn't want me, and that is why I will always be walking up hill in life. Becuase I will never meausre up. That is also why this break up is so difficult. I thought my BF really loved me. I thought in his eyes, I did measure up.

Why do I have such low self esteem? And how in the world do I get over it? I"m 42 years old for crying out loud. Get over it already.
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Unread 04-13-2011, 12:38 PM   #335
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1418, You are responsible for you actions.
It would be good for you to let you X husband go on with his life of drinking unless it involves your son.
Let you X boyfriend get on with his life. These things are eating you up. Let them go & stay in today. You can make plans but you can not plan the outcome.
Don't lose anything else (like a job) over thse 2 guys.
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Unread 04-13-2011, 04:58 PM   #336
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1418,

Hang in there and don't give up on yourself. Let go of the past, it's dragging you down and holding you back from healing and moving forward. Most of all give yourself time..... I have found time does heal, if you let it. Anger is wasted energy in my opinion.... I've got to go but will post more later....

Wishing you the best,
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Unread 04-15-2011, 09:14 AM   #337
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1418,
I hope you find yourself feeling better today. The sleeping to much, not eating, can be signs of depression. If you continue to feel this way please see your DR. A friend of mine just told me of a student she had who just committed suicide, she was of high school age..... Not saying this is the case with you of course but it is something worth paying attention to.

Over the years I've struggled with my self esteem, self worth, self doubt so I can understand where your at but I've come to understand and accept myself for who I am and am OK with who I am today. Am I perfect? Of course not but who is and what is perfect anyways? I've come to understand that I am accountable for who I am today. If there is something I don't like about myself it's my responsibility to work on changing that. No one else's but mine. And it can be tough to change, scary in fact because we are creatures of habit. It can be hard to move out of one's comfort zone but that is where personal growth comes from. You've mentioned you have low self esteem. That's step one. Congratulations!!! That's a big one, identifying what you see as a flaw. Now it's up to you to change that and work on it. Step out of the box we all place ourselves in and take a chance on yourself. I think you're worth it and more importantly so does you son!!!

The anger you mention is self destructive in my opinion and only holds you back from moving forward. I know your heart is heavy..... and these words may sound hollow to you right now but the old adage is true, "it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all".

Be kind to yourself, give yourself time, and don't forget your strengths!!!!!!!!!

Regards,
Saint
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Unread 04-15-2011, 10:52 AM   #338
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Hello Saint,

Thank you for your words of wisdom. I agree with you - my weakness are my responsibility. If it is a drunk's responsibility to change him/herslef, then it is also our/my responsibility to change whatever I don't like about myself. It goes both ways.

I am seeing a doctor to help me with the depression, not sleeping, etc. I see him again at the end of the month. The anger is exhausting, and I am working through it as best I can.

I am performing at work - thank you R. Lee for your strong words. You are correct - I need this job, I need to perform, etc. I felt in over my head for a few weeks/1.5 months.... It was just all too much for me, but thank my support/friends on this site, my support/family, and friends at work - I am working it through.

I am proud of myself. My old BF send me an email asking if I would meet him out for dinner and/or drinks this week becuase he misses me. I didn't receive the email becuase he sent it to a wrong account, becuase then I did receive the second email where he forwarded his first email, where it stated that he noticed he sent his first email to a yahoo acount so didn't know if I recived it, and "I'd still be interested in see you. Let me know."

That part about "still be interested" just struck a cord with me. Was I supposed to be excited that I held his interst for an entier 24 hours? I replied by stating that, "I'm not really sure why I would do that. I'm not into being strug along. And you have made it clear what your priorities are. No thank you."

I haven't heard from him since, nor do I think I will hear from him again. If I were to go out with him, it would be like trusting a drunk again, "I promise, this time I won't drink anymore..." Rights - unless a person commits to getting help and making a change - it won't happen.

Maybe that is why I was so angry - becuase it felt so similiar to my ex and being disappointed in him?

I don't nkow. All I know is that I love my son, I have fantastic friends and family, and the power of prayer does more than I realized.

What you learn on this site helps and applies to more than just an alcoholic. It applies to many situations in life.

Thak you for your support and for listening. I'm not out of the woods yet, but I am starting to heal, because I choose me, and I choose my son.
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Unread 04-15-2011, 10:25 PM   #339
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1418, Yes give yourself a chace to heal. You deserve it.
As an active alcoholic I knew how to manipulate the people in my life. I was always looking out for myself.
I hate to see it happen to people like you. I only respond to you because I care. I never cared for anyone else except me while I was drinking. I don't want to beat you with my responce. I only hope that you can heal.
I know I come across in a direct manner. It is how I deal with working with new recovering alcoholics. I don't sugar coat them. I come across with the straight facts. Because this disease not only can take down the alcoholic. I know what damage they can do to others.
Please keep venting.
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Unread 04-16-2011, 02:40 PM   #340
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Hi R. Lee,

I think you do have strong words. And I value them very much. They don't hurt. I wouldn't put it that way - but they do snap me back into harsh reality sometimes, but that is also what I need. Your perspective is unique, and helps me understand things. I don't take your postings as if you are trying to beat me down. Your postings are usually quite practical - combined with critical insight as to how an alcoholic thinks and will manipulate, etc. I value your input.


I don't think I've expressed myself very well, but bottom line - I appreciate your input and I know you come from a place of wanting to support and help me.
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Unread 04-16-2011, 10:09 PM   #341
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1418, You expressed yourself in a most reassuring way. Thank you.
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Unread 04-17-2011, 02:36 AM   #342
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1418,
You have been through alot this year, don't be so hard on yourself. Look at all you have accomplished. Everything was all new, now you are settling into "your life". Only you can determine what that life will be. You have lot's of life left and many wonderful times ahead. Now that your son is older, do you ever think of going back to school for something you would enjoy? Do something just for you. How about a vacation or a road trip with your son? Just trying to think of something to get you out of this rut and something you will be looking forward to.

Remember summer is coming!

vhappy
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Unread 04-17-2011, 04:56 AM   #343
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Dear 1418 and all -
I re read the thread and while I know 1418 is going through the wringer lately, I am so impressed and not to get all mushy but proud of everyone's feedback and care - it is so amazing imo !

1418, of the anger, I remember being told in therapy that depression can be anger turned inward that morphs into various symptoms, for me it was always indescribable self loathing for which I would make worse by self medicating. Now I see someone who works with me on all issues( addiction specialist) am back in meetings and have met some great people.
Like VHappy said you HAVE been through a lot and as others who care give yourself a break. Maybe you are feeling the finality of the relationship with the email ? It hurts! NO doubt about it.
I know I have said this but your experience is so similar to my friend, she does not mind me sharing her story if it would help. Her ex husb is now incarcerated again . lost count.
she has a daughter who she has not told either. Sadly he has been mostly out her life since age 2 but she has grown into a such smart child and Mom and Child also have a tight bond. Alas she has done the dating, a few broken hearts, and we have had many marathon phone calls! She is ok not dating now, as a new job and being a parent keeps her very busy.

That is so sweet what your son said it absolutely melted my heart !
As far as the other issues with the ex husb, the professional should be able to advise.
Family erhaps consider they have NOT lived through what you did, day in/out, working, raising a child, - as my friend says they have no clue how rough it was for her even though they are caring parents! She Esp. feels judged by her mother, many times she has said she just wants someone to listen, not judge or hit the panic button ! IMO Families see a side of side us that no one else does, parents worry for their children, no matter what age. - in the long run Imo they truly care .
Office Politics:
Office Politics, Ugh I think they are most everywhere - Saint shared what I think a lot of us feel. Ditto re: Lee, he knows this disease is deadly imo and gives back what was freely given to him !

1418, I guess the crux is that we all share similar experiences and the best we can do is support each other, push on and know that you will make it through the tough times. ( sorry for the novel )

Take care 1418 ! = be well/kind to yourself ! C.
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Unread 04-18-2011, 09:12 PM   #344
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Hi EVeryone,

I heard from somebody that I used to work with. He gently, but firmly told me to "knock it off" and to get over this guy already! He told me I was having a more difficult time getting over this guy than my divorce. I don't necessarily agree with that - but I agree it has been very challenging.

I must admit, I really thought after I sent the "no thank you" email, that I would receive a response... but there it is again - the codependent/whatever - hoping I can change him and that he will finally see the light. WHAT IS THAT???? Craziness. I think on some level I was hoping...

In any event, you have all given me great support and great advice. I am going to continue to press forward. I know some days will be better than others, but we all have our challenges.

I am also really enjoying time with my son. He is amazing and never ceases to amaze me every day.

Thank you!
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Unread 04-18-2011, 10:50 PM   #345
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1418,

Thank you!
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Unread 04-19-2011, 12:49 PM   #346
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1418, Keep moving forward.
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Unread 05-10-2011, 09:54 PM   #347
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Hello Everyone,

Last night my son had his band concert for school. My X starts the day saying he will be there. Then he calls at 4:00 pm saying he probably won't make it. The concert started at 7:30 pm

He arrived at 7:55 and my son's grade was finished at 8:00. He heard one son. That is fine HOWEVER - he stunk - of rum and coke. I don't know if he took a bath in it or what.. but he smelled awful. And he was slurring his words.

Our son came and sat down right behind us (picture theater seating) and the X kept on leaning backwards - saying things in a loud voice to our son, while the next grade was doing their concert. I just gritted my teeth.

We walked out - the three of us. When my son and I got in the car, he asked me if I thought his father was back together with "T" - his former girlfriend - with parents that own the bar that he loves to frequent. I said yes, I do think they may be together because he called me from her phone. My son then stated that he thought he could smell alcohol on his father and wanted to know if I did as well. I told him yes, that I definately did smell it. My poor son said, "but it only seemed like a little bit - just a little bit Mom." I said that I really didn't know how much he had to drink - a little or a lot - but either way, I smelled it. That night my son did some sleep walking - which he does when he is extremely anxious.

The next day, I called my X and told him in a calm voice that he shoudl know that our son stated he could smell the alcohol on him (my X), and that I could as well. My X immedaitely stated, "I only had one." I stated I don't care how much he drank - that isn't why I am calling. I told him that it makes our son extremely anxious when I have a beer, and if he thinks that you (X) are drinking - it really bothers him a great deal. My X said that he would be more careful next time.

It wasn't hard deciding if I should call him or not - I asked myself - what do I need to do to protect my son... and I knew I had to call my X and tell him.

He is headed down a bad path again. I thought after the house arrest he would possibly see things differently...

Thanks for listening.
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Unread 05-11-2011, 11:38 AM   #348
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1418, Your X is an alcoholic acting like an alcoholic. In his mind he deserves to act however he likes.
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Unread 05-11-2011, 06:30 PM   #349
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Hi R.Lee,

That is an interesting comment. Why would an alcoholic think he/she "deserves" to drink? Because they are a "victim" in their minds? The victim mentality (the world has done them wrong therefore they deserve to drink)?

Thank you for your insight.
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Unread 05-13-2011, 10:13 PM   #350
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1418, Sorry for not getting back sooner. I was out of town visiting my daughter. I moved out of the house on this daughter's 7th birthday. She is now 36. This is an example of how the alcoholic thinks of themselves first. I was not drinking that day. I just could not take any more grief from my 2nd wife so I left. Poor me. I will crap on my daughter to get out of a situation. Is this action insanity or what?
Your X will say yes I will be there for my son's concert, then when he has the urge to drink he might call & say I probably can't make it. Then he drinks enough that he does not care who knows he drank including his son.
The alcoholic 1st drinks because he wants to. Then they will drink because their body craves it. Most drinkers can control their drinking. The alcoholic can't control their drinking.
I can never have a drink again because one drink is too much & 50 are not enough.

Last edited by R. Lee; 05-13-2011 at 10:27 PM..
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