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Unread 03-24-2008, 04:43 PM   #1
Trapped
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I need help. I'm married with three school age children. We live in a small town where my husband grew up. He was offered a job in his field so we left our home in a beautiful city where we had lived for 10 years. We also left behind my family, friends and job, so my husband could be a partner in this company. I looked at it as an adventure and was happy to support his dream. I love my family and would do anything for them. Including giving up my needs and wants at the time. Well, my husband is an alcoholic. All he cares about is his friends and his drinking. He gets drunk and expects my 16 year old to drive him home or to drive my husbands friends home. He has friends that drink as much if not more than him. His number one priority is to drink. He will pick a sport if there is drinking involved. He picks friends by how much they drink. The more they drink the better the friend. He has totally shut me out of his life as well as our children. If we plan anything, it has to be what he wants, he will not compromise. If he does, he will let you know that it's stupid or boring. However, if he has to keep his friends waiting then he will usually drive himself. The kids and I will just meet him later. Yes, everything we do has to include his drinking buddies. He sees all of our faults, but none of his own. I am at my wits end and don't know where to turn. Like I said we live in a small town and almost everyone here sees him as a 'Superstar'. The people in this town don't see any problems because his drinking hasn't affected his work or his health. He usually can't remember anything he said or did the next morning. However, the kids and I are the ones he yells at or insults. He doesn't seem to have a hang over either. I feel so alone. Help. Trapped
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Unread 03-24-2008, 05:34 PM   #2
jerryg
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Sad to hear of your situation. He is presenting alcoholic behavior, the drinking lifestyle has the center of his universe.
I would say writing him a letter about your concern and unhappiness could be a start.
Remind him that it is adversely affecting his children, they may want to write letters of their own.
Get educated, and if there is anyone you can talk to that can keep your confidence, do so. Though that may be a challenge in a small town.
If this is a town where he grew up, does he have family there that you can talk with and feel safe?
You are likely not the only one who sees the problem.
Stay in touch here, you will find the support you may be lacking at this time.

All the best
Jerry

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Unread 03-24-2008, 06:26 PM   #3
Trapped
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jerryg,

Thank you so much for commenting. I have tried talking to him about his drinking, but he tells me that he doesn't have a problem. When I tell him of what he did or said the night before to me or the kids, he says 'he doesn't think he did or said that'. He refuses to believe that he did or said anything he can't remember. But the fact remains...he doesn't remember. One night he screamed and yelled at my son for sleeping. My son was 15 years old at the time and it was 2:30 am. My daughter woke up hearing her father scream at her brother and asked me the next day about Dad. My son never said anything to me. I asked my son what happened and he said 'Dad's an idiot'. I told my husband about his behavior, he denied it and he never apologized to my son. He has also yelled at my daughter when she has had friends over. He yells about things that never happened. It makes no sense. Should we write a letter explaining our experiences when he's drunk or write a letter stating he needs help. I'm not sure where to start. I love him and don't want to push him further away. Trapped
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Unread 03-24-2008, 09:53 PM   #4
jerryg
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Trapped,

Given what you say, give the letter a lot of thought. Be careful to not allow your anger to be expressed untempered, or to appear overly critical and judgmental.

What you describe is your husband's denial and it will not be easy to get through to him about your concerns. Because of your husband's behavior the household is under the effect of distorted logic. Including you. It can be hard to express your feelings with getting in an argument or left feeling everything is your fault. Until you realize it is happening you may often get sucked in.
Have you read some of the info here on this site? Do you have any questions.
Go to Amazon and do a search for Craig Nakken, he has several books about addiction that are informative and accessible.

Hope this helps
Jerry
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Unread 03-25-2008, 02:14 AM   #5
hb222
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I don't know if it's possible, or how he'd react, but you might think about videotaping, or at least audio recording one of his episodes. Tapes don't lie...maybe something like this would be a wake-up call? Just a thought.
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Unread 03-25-2008, 06:53 AM   #6
sassy1
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I can really sympathize with you and what your family is going through. It sounds like me twenty years ago before it got as bad as it has now become. I hope you have a good support system in place and if not, now is the time to get one in place. I would advise you to plan for the future, make sure you are able to live financially apart from him if he refuses help for even though you maybe think it can't get any worse, I'm here to tell you it can and you must ask yourself if you want this to be the rest of your life. I didn't plan ahead but kept hoping he would change and all would be well with us and I poured my entire income and self into my marriage and now am left with no finances and nowhere to go. I have tried many times to get my husband to see how badly he needs help and even went to alcohol treatment with him several times, only to watch him play a game with those trying to help him but as the saying goes, "you can lead a horse to water but you cannot make him drink." I pray this is not the case for you and your family, I hope your husband will come to his senses and get the help he needs so healing can begin for you all but in the meantime please do not do as I did but plan for the future. I suddenly woke up and realized I couldnot live like this anylonger but I feel a little too late.
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Unread 03-25-2008, 07:29 PM   #7
Trapped
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Wow, you really nailed it when you said 'distorted logic'. That's exactly how our lives have been and how he thinks. He is extremely arrogant when he has had a few to many and it gets worse with each drink. He feels no guilt what so ever, which really amazes me. The last time he yelled at my daughter and her friend, my daughter told her dad what he did and how mad at him she was and he didn't respond and didn't apologize. It's like he didn't hear her at all. He didn't feel bad. I talked with my daughter to let her know that her feelings are important and that she did not do anything wrong. I'm really tired of explaining 'Dad's' behavior to the kids and apologizing for it and at the same time accepting it.
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Unread 03-26-2008, 11:25 AM   #8
SLynn
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Trapped

You will drive yourself crazy if you try to rationalize his irrational behavior. That may not make it easier, but at least you will learn to pick your battles. In his mind, all that he is doing and saying in the truth so you can't aruge or try to tell him differently.

You should try to get in to talk with someone or seek some meetings. An outlet to vent with live people is rewarding. Are you financially able to live on your own if need be??

Here is an intersting topic to read, as well.

http://www.alcoholanswers.org/alcoho...f-syndrome.cfm

Let us know how things are.

SLynn
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Unread 03-28-2008, 09:39 PM   #9
jerryg
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Trapped,
How are things going?
Jerry
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Unread 03-30-2008, 12:02 AM   #10
sassygirl
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Get yourself some help.there should be alanon in your area.There is also a alanon-chatters sponsered by yahoo join the online meetings.In alanon you learn to accept the things you cannot change. find courage to change the things you can and wisdom to know the difference.You cant control the alcoholic problem or the alcoholic. Sassygirl
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