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Unread 11-28-2010, 04:23 PM   #1
Chipper
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Unhappy Feelin' Low and Cheap

Hi all,
I just got off the phone with my sponsor who has been with me the past 2 years and to whom I have lied to many times about my use/abuse of methadone. He has stuck by me even when I feel he wants to pull his hair out. Anyway, I just told him I started taking suboxone this past Monday because I was abusing the methadone again (I take it for chronic pain...and to get high) after weeks of lying and telling him I was doing OK with it.
He shared with me how he really felt . I listened, thinking this time he was going to throw me away. He didn't. We will continue, for now.
I have 6 days clean on sub. I am grateful for that. I still feel like a piece of crap emotionally for the lies and deception with my friend.
When I was 15 years clean and sober if someone had told me that in a few years I would be one of those poor souls who just can't seem to get it I would have laughed. I am not laughing. This is not fun. Chronic pain or not, (yes, I have looked into and tried many, many alternative pain mgmt. methods) I must live clean. I hate the person I have become. I still go to meetings and am still involved in helping others and still not really clean. Until now. Today I am clean.
Thanks for letting me get all that out. God , I need my sponsor and all of you who are on this path.
Sincerely,
Chip
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Unread 11-28-2010, 05:59 PM   #2
tlg
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Chip~
We all know the people we become when we're in active addiction. We lie, cheat, and steal, but we can't help it b/c we aren't ourself. Congrats on taking the step in getting off the 'done you were abusing, and starting on Suboxone! Have you tried Suboxone before?

Your sponsor, being your sponsor and knowing you so well was probably onto the fact that you were possibly abusing your meds, but we often wait until others are ready to come to us with their problem instead of jumping in and accusing. The thing you need to focus on is staying in remission and doing the things you know you need to do to keep it that way. I am not suprised your sponsor didn't give up on you. He is there to help support you and help you get thru those hard times! We never know when we are gonna slip up, but if/when we do, we have to take that and learn from it! If we sit and beat ourselves up about it, it doesn't do us any good. We take it as a learning point and grow. You are back on the right track now, and that's great! Take it one day at a time, and when you wake up in the morning you just tell yourself "for today, I am not going to use my DOC and I will get thru this day just fine" and that really all you can do! Keeo your head up, and try not to beat yourself up about this slip up. We have a horrible disease that can turn on us anytime, anywhere.
Trina
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Unread 11-28-2010, 09:48 PM   #3
Chipper
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Thank you so much Trina. I just woke up from a horrible nightmare after falling asleep too early and came right to this site with your post. You cannot believe how much I needed to hear your kind words at this moment. I am convinced God is real.
I am going to try and go back to sleep now.
Thank you again.
Chip
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Unread 11-28-2010, 10:27 PM   #4
tlg
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Chip~
Glad I could help. Sometimes we just need little reminders like that to realize that it'll all be ok, and no one is perfect! I hope you sleep better without anymore nightmares, and continue to move forward with your progress Take care!
Trina
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Unread 01-15-2011, 02:47 PM   #5
missaimz
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for real man
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Unread 01-27-2011, 05:01 PM   #6
Carlos
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Chip

My guess it that you are lieing to him, because you know that he is not likely to accept anything that you are going to say to him. He will get piss off because he most likely feels that you are not doing what he wants to you to do. Which is to stop abusing Methadone. They will say that you are resistant.

What I would do is find out what is it that you want to do. My guess is that because you call it abuse is because you are using a lot more than you think you should. If you think that is not in your best interst then do you best to do less all the time and stop playing with yourself. It is you how is making you feel fairly bad, low and cheap.

Perhaps if you would have know that most would have been acceptable to you, you wouldn't have lied. It you have chronic pain you need to start managing your pain. You surely do not want to hurt.

I understand it would be hard to find someone to be totally confortable with whatever you do. Probrably does not exist. As I am writing this I realize and wonder if you was my friend and I cared about you if I would be willing to be understanding or at least not critical. It is a bitch when one want to be unconditionally acceptable and loved of the other persons but know that the other person have expectation and values that might bother the shit out of you.

I wouldn't kick myself in the ass for too long. Consider your self a fallible person like the rest of us and do not abuse this concept too much. Do it one more time and get it over with, that way you do not have too feel you are missing something. Have a good time thinking you are a low and cheap kind of dude. Then look yourself in the mirror and tell your self you will be peeeeeeeeeerfect until the next time you **** up. Life sometimes does that all by itself. Think that you are no good worthless piss of shit. We actually do not need much help from that. You most know you are probably your worse critic.

I do not know what you mean that you hate what you have become, but it looks to me that you are fairly bright guy and you are probably trying to measure yourself unrelisticallly and without defects.

Take it easy. I think suboxone is a superior medication. but I also know people who take methadone and do not abuse their dose. They have bettere things with their lives. Dont kick yourself too much, shit you probably not that bad of a guy anyway.

Last edited by Carlos; 01-27-2011 at 05:06 PM..
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Unread 01-27-2011, 06:31 PM   #7
vhappy
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Chip,
I see you as already on the right path, making positive changes to improve your life. You identified to yourself at least you were abusing methadone and made changes. Not liking who you have become, sounds like active addiction to me. sometimes we want to please people more than we want to lie, unfortunatly that's what we end up doing.

You are off to a fresh start, so why not have a good sit down with your sponser, and tell him what you told us here. He may well already know that you have not been being honest, but didn't want to call you out on it, for fear he may lose you to active addiction again. One of the best things my daughter did when she left rehab and got her life straight over a year ago, was gave me permission to call her out on her bull****. Not that she was using, but reverting back to some of her old behavior's like lying, not be open and honest about what she was really feeling. Being around people that were not good for her recovery things like that. She does get a little defensive at first and then I remind her that she asked me to do this. Don't be ashamed of things and feel that you can't tell your sponser, you need to be honest with yourself #1. You seem to already have a good grasp on that, and then honest with your sponser to progress with your recovery. Remember you are not a bad person, just a person with a disease that needs treatment.

Good Luck with everything!

vhappy
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Unread 02-14-2011, 10:06 AM   #8
zapato
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Good luck with the switch and know that you are most likely the only person that feels how you feel about yourself. I had to ask some people what they liked about me at first to break the negative self image I was and still suffer from. Most of us are IMO very capable and good people but we constantly are hating a person that only exists in our head. Good luck.
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Unread 02-23-2012, 07:18 AM   #9
Sunny1
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I think you can do it. You sound like you want to be honest and you want to get it off your chest and be truthful. It's not easy to admit to others, who might be judging, but the impression I get from your post is that more than anything you want to be able to confide and tell others what is really going on. It's really hard to do when worrying how you will be viewed. Just keep going forward, tell the truth, be true and you will feel whole. Others can judge that you are on suboxone, but if they don't understand, let it go, fine, ok, you know, but you know yourself so don't let it get to you. Stay strong!!!!
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