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Unread 10-01-2010, 09:55 AM   #1
MaJaBe
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Default Starting Step 4 - Scared

Hey all. Any advice for me when I start step four? I've read the step in the Green & Gold, and downloaded the help sheet for step 4 from na.org. I'm just really nervous. I know I'm not the only one who's done horrible things in their active addiction.
Most of my fear comes from this:
When I start writing down the things I've done, I am pretty sure I will then remember MORE things, things that I've forgotten about or blocked. (I'm a SUPER blocker, lol)
I fear the depression that may come with looking at these things in black and white. I know that it's a step toward forgiving myself, and that it's necessary. Logically, it makes sense, but who said I'm logical? lol
I know the things that I've done that I'm ashamed of. I already have a huge amount of shame and guilt, and I know that this process will help with that. I'm just afraid of the additional shame and guilt that will come with remembering more as I write down the things I do remember. I've blocked all that stuff for so long, even in my recovery. I'm not looking forward to the flood.
Any experience, strength and hope would be appreciated.
Thanks!
Jackie
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Unread 10-01-2010, 12:49 PM   #2
monsterkitty
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hi jackie; i have done a few 4th steps in my life and it's not really that bad. all of the fear comes from the unknown, we think we are going to freak out when we write that first one and we don't! you'll be just fine, i promise.

there were additional things that came up when i wrote my first 4th, but i would feel the emotion over that, then go on to more writing. by the time i came across something else i had buried deep, i had already released the emotions from the prior stuff. unless you are an extremely psychotic person, there isn't going to be too much gunk buried in you. i hope this is making sense, i'm not sure how to convey it over the internet.

the 4th and 5th step made me feel part of society again, i no long felt like i was so seperate from others, my sponsor helped me through it and told me about similar secrets from her own past. we've all done pretty much the same 'stuff', lol.

once you start to write, you will continue on. just remember to take your time, don't be in a hurry and don't beat yourself up!
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Unread 10-04-2010, 12:13 PM   #3
MaJaBe
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I had plans to go over step three w/ my sponsor on Saturday night, but with everything that happened, it just didn't work out. So I have to wait until we go over 3, then I'll be able to start four.
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Unread 10-04-2010, 01:47 PM   #4
OhioMike
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I agree totally with MKitty! ........ you know, first look at it this way, you are going to be writing about the one thing you know best, you!
Second, try to focus on the inner healing which can take place from letting the past out!

Finally, please don't worry about trying to get everything on your first time with step 4. I think that is impossible to do. Relax and just let it flow, write about what comes to mind, don't let it beat you up, let it help relieve the past for you!

As with Kitty I have repeated that step many times, as life keeps moving forward, so will step 4 and other steps. You can always revisit it, any time you wish!

Mike
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Unread 10-11-2010, 09:39 AM   #5
MaJaBe
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STILL waiting to go over step three w/ my sponsor so I can get started on 4. Things just keep happening. Kids being sick, etc. (Our kids go to the same daycare, so they're always sick at the same time) But we now have plans for Tuesday, (tomorrow) no matter what. We have a meeting that day, and we often meet up before it to do stepwork. So I'll hopefully be able to do some work on 4 this week. I'm going to take my stepwork on the camping trip, but I doubt I'll have time to do any of it, as they have lots of activites planned. But I'll take it, just in case.
I"M SO EXCITED ABOUT THIS TRIP!! (have I mentioned I'm excited?) LOL.
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Unread 10-11-2010, 10:46 AM   #6
monsterkitty
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hey jackie; good for you going camping! go and have a good time, don't worry about the 4th if you don't get any done right now. you obviously are willing to work the steps, you will have time after the trip.

working the steps gives us the feeling that we are progressing, even if we don't get any immediate benefit from it in the beginning. going over your third with your sponsor is progress, so maybe on your trip you can get a little closer to the God of your understanding. nature always brings the Spirit of God forth. have fun on your trip!
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Unread 10-11-2010, 12:11 PM   #7
MaJaBe
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I just found out the trip isn't until next weekend! I'm so bummed!
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