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Unread 05-06-2015, 12:11 AM   #251
gmasusie
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Millie,

We are all human. Welcome to the human race!!! Not one person is perfect. "Progress, not perfection."
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Unread 05-06-2015, 01:33 PM   #252
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Thanks, gmasusie and R. Lee. Last night was better. Had a burrito for Cinco de Mayo and caught up on Mad Men. And (for the millionth time) realized what a pleasant night of non-excitement and non-alteration that can be.

If only I could remember that all the time.
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Unread 05-06-2015, 01:36 PM   #253
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Millie,

Don't be hard o yourself. You only have to do it one day at a time.

Keep plugging away!

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Unread 05-07-2015, 03:57 PM   #254
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Good evening Millie. Bright blessings to you.

Oi, oi......oh my goodness...i missed it!

Susie has shattered my dreams. You are human after all.

I am aware you share your name as it is your dog, and although i adore dogs.....you made me believe that infact it was your dog at the keyboard. To have suddenly found out that infact it was a "you" and the keyboard leaves me finding an "unexpected item" in my process of "shopping for a better life", means you are human. (It went bleep and had to be swiped. If you are swiped, you are good to go)

So what next?

Non alteration? Marvellous being with someone you have meant to catch up with. Especially when it is yourself.

Be peaceful, be gentle and be strong. Loveness to you Millie
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Unread 05-07-2015, 04:35 PM   #255
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Well if two of you say I'm human it must be true. Sigh... See... I'm not overly fond of humans and their capacity for unkindness. So while I of course agree with you, and realize you were talking about vulnerability, I'm not terribly happy with that association. It's sometimes hard to tease out the good in people when there's soooo much evidence to the contrary.

And while I like myself well enough, the world says the quest for kindness and gentleness is weakness. That can be hard to live with and witness day after day.

I've thought about why I might've done what I did, and it relates. Last weekend I was out gardening (before I slipped up), and in pulling weeds and putting down bark mulch and digging holes to plant herbs, I was aware that I was destroying whole entire worlds for the bugs and spiders who were running so terrified from me. I want nothing but peace for every being, but I also can't let my yard look *completely* unattended. So it was painful. I have always had a special sympathy for animals, and it goes down that small.

I know all we can do is our best, and I do try to cause as little harm as possible. It doesn't ever seem like enough. Sorry to ramble. Just feeling the weltschmerz especially today... being human is overrated.
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Unread 05-07-2015, 04:38 PM   #256
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Too true!
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Unread 05-07-2015, 06:37 PM   #257
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I often wish I could opt out of being human, Millie. Oddly, I would prefer to be a bird or a squirrel than a wolf or a tiger. We are all here with you. Xxxx
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Unread 05-08-2015, 10:31 AM   #258
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Hi Millie, hope you are doing well and have a nice weekend.
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Unread 05-08-2015, 11:56 AM   #259
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Millie,

Dear soul. I, too, sometimes wish I were not human. Imperfection, unfortunately, is indemic to the human condition. That's why I hold on to the Serenity Prayer. There is so much in this world that we have no control over. The concept of Yin and Yang is one that we in the West seldom contemplate.

I think that is why folks say, "Progress, not perfection!" Perfection is impossible.

But, here we are, in this world. We can only hope to change ourselves a little bit. Remember, "the breath of a butterfly can change the world;" so, don't give up!

Remember Malala.
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Unread 05-08-2015, 11:18 PM   #260
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Keep it simple Millie. Think through that next urge
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Unread 05-09-2015, 03:50 PM   #261
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Millie - hope things are going well...have a good weekend and stay sober friend.
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Unread 05-10-2015, 01:55 PM   #262
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Millie,

We are here if you are. Have a good Sunday.
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Unread 05-11-2015, 02:45 PM   #263
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Good evening Millie. Bright blessings to you.

I do believe your last letter points to the fact you may be human.

Whatever gave you that idea? Whatever did, that was a quite beautiful post. It really was.

Being human is only over rated by humans. Our dogs, our cats, they love us. I do get your drift.

In my experience i have met 3 types of alcoholics. Alcoholics who are desperately sad, alcoholics that are dreadfully angry, and alcoholics that are just "hurt".

Millie i know that is an outrageous comment, but i wager you know what i mean. Don;t be so hurt Millie.

"While i like myself well enough".......ergo....."while i put up with myself....and put everything else first.....".

Well that's all fine a dandy, although why does your dog, cat, fish, birds, mouse, hamster, badgers, and the most endearing of them all bugs and whatnot..(you serious??) love you?

Because you have a connection with them. You wish, and do, give to them with a compassion that you wish we all were the recipients of.

Millie, i have to let you into this secret.

I had a spider in the bath. I, like you can not do all the nasty stuff. I got a piece of newspaper, (always plenty of that around), and scooped the chap/chappess up, took said spider to the front door, it looked at me as i laid it down on the grass, and it said,

"Tell that Millie to look after herself too will you?". (I am a chap that uses my hands to communicate alot, i suppose it's the Italian......imagine the convo with the spider!....we ended up hig8ting it and a "lift on the slide"......oh yes.)

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to you Millie
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Unread 05-11-2015, 05:27 PM   #264
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Thanks for your responses, everyone. You guys are so very awesome.

Tryn, I was indeed serious about bugs and whatnot. For the most part I think of most life as equal (though I do have my preferences!). Even beyond pets, all of them. I had a spider living in a corner of my bathroom for nearly two years - her name was Geranium. She just hung out in her little corner, and I said hello to her every day. We had people over for New Year's Eve last year, and I had to warn everyone that Geranium was a resident and they weren't to "take care of it for us." My friends, thankfully, were cool enough that nobody had any problem with this.

The "live and let live" thing is ingrained very deeply somewhere in my being. There's a personality trait outlined by Elaine Aron, called the Highly Sensitive trait. I am off the charts with it, and I am certain it's a huge part of why drinking has been a problem. It may seem childish or naive, but it can actually be very profound and painful. I know this makes me weird, and I'm sorry... It's just who I am.

And thank you Tryn for taking the spider outside instead of killing it. I tell people it's bad luck to kill a spider, that usually works...

Anyway, enough of that. My weekend was pretty good, but I came down with some sort of icky virus and have been sick. With a very very busy week coming up, I'm hoping it'll help me continue with the kickstart I have had into staying drink-free.

gmasusie, thank you for mentioning the yin and yang thing. I have a yin/yang bracelet I wear sometimes as a reminder. Maybe I should put it back on.

And R. Lee, "Keep it simple." Perfect. Thank you.

Thanks again to all of you. Big hugs to everyone!
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Unread 05-11-2015, 09:59 PM   #265
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Big hugs to you, Millie (Erika)! Hope you feel better.
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Unread 05-11-2015, 11:13 PM   #266
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Feel better Millie.

Alcoholics will always have no problem drinking, regardless of the labels attached.

We are what we think. Stay vigilant.
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Unread 05-12-2015, 02:49 PM   #267
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Thanks, Saint and gmasusie.

The cold/flu medicine seems to be working to keep me from being completely incapacitated, but I have this terrible cough... I had to leave my editing class last night for a few minutes to go have a coughing fit.

I am playing in an orchestra for a ballet for the rest of the week, and I'm going to be in an orchestra pit. That's a room under the stage that they stuff all of the musicians into, so you can hear them but not see them while you watch the dancers. Being a bassist, I am going to be wedged into a far corner at the back of the pit, likely with no quick exit route.

So! If I start coughing, which is likely, I'm going to just have to do so in the presence of everyone. And this isn't just dainty belle coughing, this is like the guy you move away from on the bus because you're afraid he's going to give you tuberculosis, and it just keeps going and going and going...

This kind of embarrassment is mortifying to me. Not sure why I'm telling you guys this, but it's on my mind so there you go. I'm taking cold/flu meds at night that have sleepy stuff in them, so I haven't had any lawnmowers at all. That has been a nice respite at least.
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Unread 05-12-2015, 05:17 PM   #268
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Good evening Millie. Bright blessings to you.

....."like the guy you move away from on the bus?....."........have you been on a bus at the same time as me? Really there is no need to be like that. Next time you are on a bus and want to "move away from that guy we all know on the bus"....hey say hello......I might not bite.

How absolutely wonderful...gosh you must be good. My advice around coughing, (it was the coughing that did her in and the coffin they carried her away in)....is do it in rhythm. Thumb string....a good ole hack...ectera, ectera, ectera!

Talking of lawnmowers....you know that saying, "if you sit in a barbers long enough you'll get your haircut?".....Re lawnmowers?....Hmmmm.

All joking aside Millie, the very best of luck this week with this. You make light out of an obvious gift, and yes i remember you telling us about your frustration that the bass needs others. I know a handful of bassists, they would vehemently disagree!

Not only is Geranium quite the most splendid name for a spider, but notice how dear Geranium had a "place in the corner"......just like dear Millie.....play for Geranium.

Serious advice?....Have a hanky handy or a bassoonist infront of you with long hair.

What?

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to you Millie
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Unread 05-12-2015, 05:26 PM   #269
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Thanks for making me laugh, Tryn. I needed that.
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Unread 05-14-2015, 03:46 PM   #270
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After being so sick for a week (and still apparently in the thick of it), I'm realizing how similar these flu symptoms are to a really bad hangover.

And I am appreciating sobriety in ways I don't think I ever have before.
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Unread 05-14-2015, 07:51 PM   #271
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Get well soon, have you got any good medicine to kick it? When I get so sick , I have to go to the Dr. ugh and then I finally get well. Hey, I'm in your stage listening to you in another audience of course, but I luv ballets and symphony music. I go to the University recitals ( students getting their masters degree,etc.) sometimes by myself and listen. It is so relaxing. I wish I could play, but they never had that around in my old schools. Hope you feel better in no time.
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Unread 05-14-2015, 10:32 PM   #272
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Millie get well soon.
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Unread 05-15-2015, 06:13 AM   #273
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I feel im getting the flu (probably just a cold really) sore throat, sniffly nose, coughing.

Its not nice!!

Hope you feel better soon xx
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Unread 05-16-2015, 05:53 AM   #274
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Wishing you a speedy recovery, Millie. Xxxx
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Unread 05-17-2015, 01:34 PM   #275
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Hey Millie hope your weekend is going good...with no alcohol weekends are so much better...needless to say the baggage of damage control and hangover comes with it...hope you are enjoying the benefits...
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Unread 05-17-2015, 11:00 PM   #276
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Hope you're feeling better Millie. ...Rest up

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Unread 05-18-2015, 07:30 AM   #277
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Good morning Millie. Bright blessings to you.

I am really hoping on our miserable Blighty Monday(!) you are feeling better than of late as i know you have quite a week ahead.

I made be able to make you feel a little better with my little tale.

Tryn is early to bed and early to rise. Last night i had my bath and waddled into my bedroom and sat on the edge of my bed to dry what i have left of my barnet. (To our brothers and sisters in the big place, "your barnet" means your hair).

As i was doing so, a small, must have been a baby spider scuttled from under my bed. My natural reaction to hit the ceiling then slide across said ceiling and out of the door was instinctual for sure. It stopped and all i thought of was "MILLIE!!!"

I can confirm that said spider has now got "the freedon of Tryns house", and as it is the first spider i have had as a co tenant, i have given him the most splendid name of Zorro. (If you ask my why i have not the slightest idea, he just looked like a Zorro to me)

So thank to you Millie, i now have a new friend, and they live with me! Wonders will never cease.

Get well soon.

Be peaceful, be well, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to you Millie
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Unread 05-19-2015, 11:32 AM   #278
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Millie,

How are you? It's been a few days and we haven't heard from you. I hope all is well. If you find yourself struggling, remember, you are not alone.

Regards,
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Unread 05-21-2015, 02:08 PM   #279
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Thank you for your posts. I've had a very unfortunate week.

My husband's mom passed away on Sunday, and I used it as an excuse to hit the bottle. I feel just terrible about it. I don't know why I do this! It didn't need to happen, and I would have dealt with it so much better if I hadn't. I'd like to say lesson learned, but I don't know that it was. Today, sobriety is the most important thing in the world to me, but I don't know if it will stick.
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Unread 05-21-2015, 02:09 PM   #280
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And Tryn, thank you for being nice to that spider. That made my day.
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Unread 05-21-2015, 04:00 PM   #281
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I am so sorry to hear about your loss, Millie, be easy on yourself and know that you are a caring, wonderful person. Sometimes, we get lost in the surroundings, but know that you know now that sobriety is the most important thing for you. Nix that last sentence in your mind and make drinking no debate. Just tell that voice, not today, sucker.
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Unread 05-21-2015, 04:02 PM   #282
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Good advice. Thank you, lostdog.
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Unread 05-21-2015, 05:34 PM   #283
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Millie, You drink because you are probably an alcoholic. Pick yourself up dust yourself off & start over. You are worth it.
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Unread 05-21-2015, 07:38 PM   #284
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Millie,

If you think you can't do it you are right. Don't set yourself up for failure. Maybe you have more drinking to do.

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Unread 05-21-2015, 08:20 PM   #285
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Thank you Saint and R.Lee.

Saint, you're absolutely right. I am just doubting myself. I'm not interested in having more drinking to do. I scared myself this week.
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Unread 05-21-2015, 09:25 PM   #286
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Hi Millie,

sorry about your loss...I think you should just take one day at a time...

hope you feel better and get back on the track...
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Unread 05-22-2015, 05:15 PM   #287
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Thanks, Iamtrying.

I realize you are all probably rolling your eyes at me by this point. I do know I can do this right. I just need to do it and remember one moment, one day, at a time.

Sam, what you said in Alexis's thread struck me. I think I'm afraid of peace because I'm afraid of losing it. I'm afraid of success because I'm afraid of failure. So I self-handicap. I recognize it and hate it, and wish it was easy to just stop. It *seems* that simple.
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Unread 05-22-2015, 05:29 PM   #288
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No rolling eyes here. I totally understand you and you are very brave to stand accountable.
I like Sam's post and think I'm like that too.
Milllie, it is ok, don't beat yourself up, take care and a big HUG!
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Unread 05-22-2015, 06:57 PM   #289
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Millie,

I'm pretty sure nobody is rolling their eyes at you. I've been where you are, I get it. Hey I drank pretty much every day of my adult life. I gave up on myself, told myself " **** it, what does it matter" and popped another beer to start another cycle, another day of the same. I can't tell you how many times "I quit" the morning after only to start right in again in the evening. I told myself I would stop drinking when my daughter was born. Hughh!
She was 10 before I was finally so sick and tired of being sick and tired that I finally stopped drinking. Talk about feeling like a failure!

The message, you don't have to continue living like this. Make sobriety the most important goal in your life. Once totally committed to a sober lifestyle it became 'easy'. Don't give up on yourself, learn from the others here and Never, Never doubt yourself. You will do this! Believe!

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Unread 05-23-2015, 07:59 AM   #290
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Millie we love you xxx
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Unread 05-23-2015, 10:24 AM   #291
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Millie, A lot of great advice. Keep it simple. You can do it.
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Unread 05-23-2015, 11:33 AM   #292
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Good afternoon Millie. Bright blessings to you.

Well, ......shall i?..... shall i not?...... Will i,..... won't i?....... Should i?...... Shouldn't i? Could i.....would i?

Can i?

I am talking about alcohol, love, work, relationships, family, prospects, my health...or my future?

Hmmmm?

Trust, dear Millie. In alcohol, love, work, relationships, family, prospects, my health or my future?

I needed to trust me.

If i was born utterly perfect, not even a suggestion of trouble in my life, at some point that "perfect person" will "F*** up" perfection. We are all human, and by accepting what that really means, doors fling open inside, sure challenging, but it is the depths of ourselves that "trusting ourselves" comes from.

So this "massive journey" to find those depths?.....Of course not. As a musician you know you can find those depths at the stroke of a finger, embellished feelings stream like huge plumes blasting from the surface of the sun through your hands.

When i have guests and they say, "go on Tryn...play something". I don,t think....."oh shit...i hope i can do this".....i TRUST i can.

T.....Troubled
R.....Resilient
U.....Understanding
S.....Strong
T......Tenacious

I looked to people i could variably wrap around my finger, but only ended up being wrapped around theirs.

I came here, really the first home i have ever had to myself, and found me waiting here for me.

It was awful. In the silence of my own life i must have spent half my time crying and the other half kicking off. My best friend in my fridge a supply of "drugs"....cans, and when i knew, "this was it", CarlyO didn't so much "open the door", but scooped me off the floor once i had poured myself through Addiction Survivors letterbox.

In reference to your "you are all probably rolling your eyes at me at the moment" contention. The only alcoholic that will ever roll their eyes at you when you are struggling, are pissed.

This family is looking at you square in the eyes and saying...."we know dear Millie".

Feel no shame, make it an experience you can turn into a stronger defence.

Tell you what?.....Answer this and this familys troubles are over.

"Do you trust me Millie?"

Presumably, knowing what you do about me, "well of course".....

"Would you trust me around alcohol, or under the influence of alcohol Millie?"

"No i would not".

I can trust me sober.....i wouldn't touch me with a barge pole with drink on board.

Soooo...give yourself that chance. The deal i was given was....."try 2 weeks and if you don,t like it....you can always drink again".

I'll have some of that i thought, did 48 hours, thought , "well i gave it a go...this is B******s".....and nearly died.

ANY alcoholic that does 2 weeks sobriety......has it in their blood to fall over....the right side of the line.

Do you think you could love you Millie?

I got a monkey on it. Don't let me down!

The only reason i can let the sunshine i create to warm my soul, has come from learning if i can be supported, cared for and loved in the way so many in this family do, well...it's a process of deduction?

Back in the day at some rehab or another i got told this.

"If 1 person calls you a donkey.....tell'em to sling their hook. If 2 people tell you are a donkey, tell'em to follow his mate.......if 3 people say you are a donkey?.....buy a saddle".

People from all over the world say, we love you.

There is a good reason for that.

(Oh and by the way....you can do this YAY!)

Be peaceful, be healthy and be loving to yourself. Loveness to you Millie
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Unread 05-23-2015, 11:48 AM   #293
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Wow! Tyrn...

Millie - we are with you...no rolling of eyes or judgement here...it's not a sprint it's marathon, taking one step at a time matters...and try to make sobriety lifeathon.....I am scared and afraid too, i might slip, I might mess up but all I do is live in today and i am trying.

Peace friend
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Unread 05-23-2015, 01:49 PM   #294
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Wow, thank you so much. Tryn, Iamtrying, R.Lee, everyone.

I only have a minute right now but there's a lot to chew on here, and your kindness has made me cry. Overwhelming.

Thank you. I'll write more later, but I can't thank you enough.
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Unread 05-26-2015, 02:59 PM   #295
Millie
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Now that I've taken over the whole board, I guess I'll post in my own thread.

I had a good weekend. Today is day 6, and I'm happy with that. No urges at all so far, which I understand means I need to be especially vigilant. I'm still feeling some effects from that flu, sleepy, dizzy, but managed to run 10.5 miles yesterday nice and slow. While I'm super sore today, it was really good to know my body can still do that after almost two weeks of not exercising.

I would like some advice, if anyone has any. I've mentioned this before, but obviously (to me), I'm still dealing with it.

My best friend and I started the sobriety journey together, about three years ago. When we first met, we both drank a lot. Him daily, me not quite, but almost. We have had periods of abstinence together, and periods of non-abstinence together, but mostly... together.

Right now, he has insisted that he wants to try moderation. And I know I NEED to be abstinent. Because he seems to be able to be moderate (which, well, I know alcoholics can lie very well, so I am not sure that's actually the case), I have tried to convince myself of the same. I know that I cannot be moderate. That has been the root of my current little benders. Trying to still do this together. But I absolutely, absolutely need to be abstinent.

I feel like I am losing a part of our friendship. We do have other things in common of course, and other things we bond over, but that was a big one. And he is my closest friend (other than my husband of course), so I am not going to stop being close to him. It's creating this tug in me, and I'm not sure quite how to deal with it.

I suspect that if he *is* actually drinking moderately, he will ramp up and join me in abstinence eventually, but I am not sure. I guess I just feel like in real life, where I had a buddy in this struggle before, I am now alone. I have a fair amount of social anxiety, so a group is not for me. What I do know is that while that is painful, it is more important for me to be sober than it is to have that "together" thing. I guess I just need to accept this and mourn it appropriately as the loss that it is? Or am I just whining?
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Unread 05-26-2015, 03:32 PM   #296
Alexis
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Millie, im glad you are here and im glad you are on day 6!

You are not whining, you are expressing what is troubling you, this is the place for that so dont worry.

Im not sure i can help much, because i dont have any friends who have trouble with alcohol. All my friends drink moderately, can just have one or two or just get drunk now and again.

But i do understand the feeling that you are losing a friend due to trying not to drink. I have turned down nights out and other social situations and i sometimes feel ill get left behind. All my friends are understanding and would be very happy if i was there and didnt drink, but i definitely dont trust myself to not drink if im there.

Its very difficult and i feel im sort of in your boat with you.

I suppose it comes down to what is more important? I struggle to decide...

Just know im with you, thinking of you and hoping to get some relief from the stress and worry xx
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Unread 05-26-2015, 03:39 PM   #297
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Millie, Congratulations on 6 days with out alcohol. In answer to your questions. Sobriety has to be the most important goal in your life. It comes down to changing people, places & things when it comes to alcohol. So I think that your friend will interfere with your sobriety.
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Unread 05-26-2015, 04:09 PM   #298
Millie
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Thanks R.Lee and Alexis.

I agree, R.Lee, that he has the potential to interfere with my sobriety, *if* I let that happen. To be clear, he would never encourage me to drink as he knows I'm abstinent. He takes that seriously, and he won't drink at all around me. So he won't interfere in that way. It's all about what's going on in my own head. We will be friends, and he is an inspiration to me, in that way and others, so I won't give that up. He's actually one of the most supportive people in my life about this, so losing contact would be even worse.

It's just that one part of the relationship, the not actually *doing* this together part, and dealing with that loss -- possibly even temporarily. Maybe I'm answering my own question and the answer is to just deal with it.
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Unread 05-27-2015, 03:54 AM   #299
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Millie,

I have found that sobriety is also a lifestyle. I don't spend time or consider spending time where the sole purpose is to drink. I think you will adjust to doing different activities to bond over with your friend if the desire is there from both people. Socializing does not have to mean drinking. Yes there will certainly be change in your life as you adjust to a sober life and with change comes uncertainty and feelings of loss. Change will also bring about a better you as long as you choose the right path for you and put the work in.

Keep your eye on the prize, keep working towards your goal and let the chips fall where they may. You may be surprised how well things eventually turn out.

And ummm NO, you are not whining!

Think sobriety. We move towards and become that which we think about!

Saint
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Unread 05-27-2015, 09:40 AM   #300
lostdog
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sometimes you change friends when you don't drink. it's juist not that interesting anymore for us to sit and watch others drink etc. And it gets sad, but I think things may change for him. He may decide not to drink again. Just protect yourself, don't drink and don't worry about what he thinks he's your true friend.
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