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Unread 01-06-2009, 12:02 AM   #1
quilla
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Hi all, I am new to this forum though I’ve been reading the threads and resources, which I find very informative and helpful, as time permitts over the last two weeks. I'm so glad I heard about this site!

About a week after I’d been perusing this site I was in a game room and a few comments were made about drinking and what a waste it was. I usually just play the games and not join in the gibber jabber but did this time and said I was an alcoholic and wanted to quit. The conversation went on for awhile then after I sent “drinking is ruining my life”, I got a private invite to chat and accepted. Long and short of it, he has liver cancer, had 50 some lbs of fluid extracted from his body and has been sober for 4 years. Our conversation really got me to think more about what I was doing to myself and how much I needed to quit.

The next day, Jan. 2, I didn’t stop at the liquor store on the way home as usual. Today is day 4, 8:32 p.m., soon to be day 5, without drinking. I’m amazed, I feel pretty awful, shaky, extremely jumpy, scatter brained, very emotional and some things I can’t put into words but I am not experiencing too many urges. Maybe it’s the Wellbutrin I’ve been on for almost 3 months (to quite smoking) that’s helped. I just hope to continue w/o giving in. I know it will get harder as time goes on because I've taken a few breaks, as brief as they were. This time I have/need/want to stay off the booze and never return to it.

Below is something I started writing before I quit but I’d like to share it anyway. It’s kind of choppy since I didn’t finish it all at once. This is quite lengthy and I apologize in advance, though it has helped me somehow by putting all this down in black and white…

Much of what is posted here is a reflection of my addiction. I drink tequila (thus my nick) and sometimes beer or wine while drinking tequila as a mask, if you will, to hide the tequila consumption from my son and others. I hide the bottle in various places but always have one in my bathroom so I can sneak away to take a gulp or two.

When I started hiding my drinking is got worse. My on again, off again b/f let me know he doesn’t like my drinking, even though he drinks with me or buys it for me, in fact, he’s the one who got me on tequila but that’s a whole other story. So it started that when he’d leave the room I’d sneak a gulp, even if it were early morning. Then I started keeping empty pints, I’d fill them and strategically place them around the house. Thus the game of hide and seek began.

My drinking has caused problems with my two boys and I regret it terribly! The youngest still lives with me and we argue and fight on the weekends sometimes due to me being drunk. I don’t remember asking him something, so when I ask him the same thing again the next day it infuriates him. But that’s not all of it, he’s lost (both boys actually) respect for me and it shows. It makes me want to cry.

The stupid thing is I feel so coherent and just know I’ll remember things but I don’t. In the mornings I flip through the phone to see whom I might have talked to. It’s really embarrassing when someone from work, or anyone for that matter, called and I don’t remember a blessed word that was said.

I turn down invitations to go out with friends because I’d rather stay home with my friend Jose. Dang thing is, it’s not even fun anymore like it was once upon a time.

I started wondering if I was an alcoholic over 10 years ago. Sure wish I would have done something about it then, everything would be so different now, the relationship with my boys most of all.

Most Mondays my hands shake and it is not so easy putting on mascara while holding a mirror, so now I lean over the counter and use the large mirror.

My kidneys started aching months ago. My ex is a heavy drinker so I asked him if his hurt, to which he said yes. I let/allowed his admission twist my mind and give me the false conception that if he's been drinking for X years more than I, I should be okay.

Last night I didn’t drink a drop, though I have a case of beer and bottle of wine readily available. I am hopeful to make it through the day w/o indulging, yet it is so tempting and I give in to myself. The hurting kidneys and shaky hands were the motivation to abstain. It’s now 3 P.M., my hands aren’t shaking too bad but my kidneys (I think) still hurt and I’m a lil jumpy.

I heard about this site on the radio and am glad I did! I know I need help.

quilla
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Unread 01-06-2009, 12:39 AM   #2
jerryg
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quilla,

Welcome.
Your post sends the message that you are looking to make some changes. The first step is identifying what is not working. Good to hear you are wanting to quit drinking, and smoking too. Excellent. It sure isn't easy at times is it? And I'm talking about the smoking!

Anyway I want make a serious point. If you have been sneak drinking then I assume you may have been drinking quite a bit. If you have been drinking every day regardless of amount, though I know it varies, you really should talk to a doctor.
Withdrawal from alcohol is serious business. It is best to seek medical supervision. Seriously. I don't know in any way how much you have been drinking but if you drink with any regularity, those shakes are major sign you should get help.

Try checking this out...

http://www.alcoholanswers.org/alcoho...withdrawal.cfm

We whole heartedly support you in your efforts to stay sober. And it is good that you are here. There is much that you will find helpful here.

May I ask you a few questions?

Are you involved with any type of therapy or counseling? Is your doctor aware of your situation? And Are you familiar with any self help groups?

Think about these things and stay in touch.

Later,
Jerry
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Unread 01-06-2009, 10:01 AM   #3
quilla
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Jerry,

Hi and thanks for responding. I live in a small community, everyone knows everyone, though I keep pretty much to myself, which now may change but I'll have to be careful. We have a local addiction recovery facility but I am reluctant to go for several reasons. I did call last week and spoke with a gal who said I may be able to arrange a phone consultation, but I havent' called...yet.

My regular doctor knows I drink, I told her I drink way too much and wouldn't tell her how much. Last Wed. my kidneys hurt so bad and my blood pressure was higher than the high it's been (which I've been monitoring daily) so I called but she was booked but suggested I come in and give urine because she suspected a urinary tract infection, well I don't have one.

I made an appt. with an internalist for tomorrow and will tell her I quit drinking, not sure I'll tell her how much I was drinking though, but I drank liquor everyday for about three years, now that I think of it, with an exception here or there. I've been drinking and getting plastered on the weekends for 10 to 15 yrs. but not drinking every single day during the week. Tequila became my drink of choice 5 to 6 yrs ago but it started with doing shots while drinking beer.

quilla
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Unread 01-06-2009, 03:33 PM   #4
CarlyO
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Hi Quilla,
Thank you for sharing what it has been like and what you want out of life of now. Recognizing, accepting that you need help is a huge first step! Please do not regret the past, you have a chance NOW to get help.

Jerry is right about the withdrawals, it is dangerous and why be miserable with withdrawals if you do not have to? Hopefully the internist will be able to give you some medication to help you through withdrawals or refer you to someone who can help you.
Please - in the meantme - if you feel bad go to the ER asap, no one will judge, they will be glad that you getting the care you need, I think sometimes we cannot stress this enough.

You mentioned that the alcohol has stopped working, I was posting about this to another member,imo- it is inevitable, people in support groups talk about it, it happened with me, and many people I know, the progression turns into sheer maintanece or trying in vain, or great detriment to our health, to re-capture the initial "good feelings" however, in all honesty, imo - they are futile efforts in the end, but at least it has brought you to this point : wanting to stop : )

I do not know how you feel about support groups, I live in a smallish town, had the same fears as you do, but most people are very supportive, know your struggles, and you will be surprised who you see in there, maybe just think about it.
What about one-one counseling? And you always forums like this one.
Please keep us posted and good luck with your appointment tomorrow.

Congrats on taking this step- it is so worth it !! Take care, Carly
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Important disclaimer: Any information in this post is not and does not constitute medical advice under any circumstances. Addiction Survivors, Inc. does not warranty or guarantee the accurateness, completeness, adequacy or currency of the information contained in or linked to the Site. Your use of information on the Site or materials linked to the Site is entirely at your own risk. NEVER take any online advice over that of a qualified healthcare provider. Any information contained on AddictionSurvivors.org should only serve to inspire further investigation with credible, verifiable references sources such as your physician or therapist.
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Unread 01-06-2009, 11:44 PM   #5
dave53190
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quilla,

Thank you for helping me to stay sober one more day. Reading about what you are going through makes me a little more grateful that I am sober today. I wish I had a magic little pill or could say just the right thing that would remove the obsession to drink from you, but I don't. But seeking help through this forum and admitting that you have a problem is a very good beginning. Hang in there and, remember, don't drink, no matter what!
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Unread 01-07-2009, 12:41 AM   #6
jerryg
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Dave,

That's a good thing to hear.
Thanks for sharing.

Jerry
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Important disclaimer: Any information in this post is not and does not constitute medical advice under any circumstances. Addiction Survivors, Inc. does not warranty or guarantee the accurateness, completeness, adequacy or currency of the information contained in or linked to the Site. Your use of information on the Site or materials linked to the Site is entirely at your own risk. NEVER take any online advice over that of a qualified healthcare provider. Any information contained on AddictionSurvivors.org should only serve to inspire further investigation with credible, verifiable references sources such as your physician or therapist.
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Unread 01-08-2009, 02:02 AM   #7
mrsr
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Quilla, I can relate. I drink vodka everyday and drink wine (which now makes me gag) to mask the vodka from my hubby and anyone else around.
I also never do anything with friends or family anymore b/c I'd rather be home drinking.
I too hide vodka bottles- strategically around the house where I hope my husband wont find them but I am constantly stressed that he will find them. And now that the bottles have accumulated, as they always do- I dont know how to discreetly discard of all of them.
Also, I have gained about 40 lbs in the past 2 yrs. I must admit that I had a baby a year ago, so being 40 lbs heavier is due in part to being pregnant and them starting do drink a lot again after having the baby, so I lost a LITTLE of the baby weight but now have gained even more I suspect from drinking. Help!
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